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Here Be Giants

Dec 3rd, 2016
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  1. >"PUT ME DOWN!"
  2. "No."
  3. >"I DEMAND THAT YOU PUT ME DOWN RIGHT THIS INSTANT, YOU RUFFIAN!"
  4. "No."
  5. >"YOU KNOW YOU'RE ONLY MAKING THIS WORSE FOR YOURSELF! WHEN THE PRINCESSES HEAR OF THIS, THEY'LL SEND THEIR GREATEST WARRIORS AND THEY'LL--"
  6. >You sighed to yourself
  7. >There was a pony under your arm
  8. >This pony was a stallion; a unicorn stallion to be more exact
  9. >He looked like a noble, what with his fancy vest, his hair, and that weird monocle that he had been wearing before it had fallen somewhere along the path
  10. >He had loudly complained about it, but threatening to eat him had shut him up
  11. >For about five minutes
  12. >"I HAVEN'T THE FOGGIEST IDEA WHY YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH THIS, YOU DISGUSTING GIANT, BUT I PROMISE YOU THAT YOU WILL NOT! I HAVE VERY POWERFUL FRIENDS IN COURT, AND THE MOMENT THAT THEY--"
  13. >Usually, when you coltnapped a stallion, it was a breeze
  14. >They didn't try to fight like the mares did, they didn't get into everything like the colts and fillies
  15. >All you needed to do was growl and they'd pass right out
  16. >Then you'd be able to carry them back to your cave, tie them to a rock, and wait until another pony came asking what you wanted for their return
  17. >You didn't know WHY
  18. >You had lived in this part of the Everfree for almost two hundred years
  19. >This wasn't the first time that you had stolen a careless stallion from the road
  20. >And it wasn't like you changed your demands
  21. >All you wanted was some sweets, a few thousand nails, and a couple cats that you could snack on
  22. >You weren't like that other giant near Foggy Bottom
  23. >You were reasonable in what you wanted from the ponyfolk
  24. >The stupid, stupid ponyfolk who wouldn't move their roads even after all of these years
  25. >The fucking plebs
  26.  
  27. >"EW! EW! WHAT IN CELESTIA'S NAME DID I JUST TOUCH! WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT WAS THHHHHAT?!"
  28. >The club in your other hand-- a giant, thick thing that you had made out of an ironwood oak-- tapped against a tree as your grip on it tightened
  29. >It seemed that you had gotten unlucky today
  30. >The stallion in your hand hadn't passed out
  31. >No, you had gotten a rowdy one
  32. >And worse than that, you had gotten a rowdy one that liked to talk
  33. >A lot
  34. >A lot, a lot
  35. >You could feel the stallion squirming as hard as he could in your grasp while he shouted and screamed and caused a general ruckus
  36. >You didn't care for his screaming
  37. >Or his crying
  38. >Or his demands or threats
  39. >You also didn't very much care for all the piss that had gotten onto your leg when you had first snatched him up
  40. >...That was usually unavoidable for this kind of thing, sure, but that didn't mean that you liked it
  41. >"I AM COUNT FANCY PANTS, YOU IGNORANT BARBARIAN. I AM A POWERFUL, STRONG-WILLED STALLION THAT WILL NOT--!"
  42. >Why couldn't you have gotten some frail, pure as the driven snow colt?
  43. >You used to get them all the time a few years back
  44. >They were great
  45. >A little food, water, maybe something warm to sleep on and they'd be happy
  46. >Sometimes they'd even go out and collect berries for you or something like that
  47. >But now all you've been getting were stallions like this
  48. >Loud, angry little things that screamed and complained until they were red in the face and your ears were ringing
  49. >It was bullshit!
  50. >Your job was already hard enough, what with the adventurers and knights always trying to murder you and cut off your cock for some reasons
  51. >But with THIS added onto it?
  52.  
  53. >It made your already hard job even harder
  54. >...
  55. >Maybe you should have been a shepherd of the forest like your mother wanted
  56. >The hours might have been shit, but at least the job was relatively stable
  57. >And you could hit on all of the qt wood nymphs that you wanted...
  58. >"I'M TIRED! WHERE ARE WE GOING? I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!"
  59. >While what most of what the stallion had said went in one ear and out of the other, hearing the word bathroom got your attention
  60. >You might not want to stop but you also didn't want to get pissed on
  61. >Again
  62. >You stopped, looking around
  63. >The trees of the forest were all around you
  64. >No animal was within earshot
  65. >The forest said nothing of intruders
  66. >You and this irritating stallion were alone
  67. >Alrighty
  68. >Without a second thought you let go of the little colt
  69. >"OHMYBUCKING--OMPH!"
  70. >You weren't holding him high enough that the fall would break any bones, but from the meaty thud that he made when he hit the forest floor you could tell that he'd be feeling THAT in the morning
  71. >Heh...
  72. >You had to resist the urge to laugh as the stallion not only hit the ground but bounced before landing hard on his side
  73. >He quickly rolled to his hooves, his eyes wide and wild
  74. >"Son of a carrot!" he yelped, pain very evident in his voice. "What in Luna's name did you do that for?!"
  75. >The earth shook as you tapped your club against it
  76. >The stallion, taking your gesture as a threat, took a step backward
  77. "You wished to use the bathroom," you grumbled, your voice sounding booming and gravely even to your ears. "Go and use the bathroom."
  78.  
  79. >You waved over to a line of trees
  80. "Don't go wandering off. I'd rather not cut you out of a Cragadile."
  81. >The stallion immediately looked over toward the trees
  82. >His nose scrunched up while you leaned against a nearby tree
  83. >"And what in Celestia's name do you expect me to do HERE?!" he shrieked
  84. "I have no desire to be pissed on again, little horn-head," you said, inspecting your nails. "So if you have to--"
  85. >"In the forest?!"
  86. "Yes, in the forest."
  87. >"W-What?!"
  88. "If you don't go yourself, I'd be more than happy to squeeze the piss and shit out of you."
  89. >You'd never do that of course
  90. >The last time you tried... things happened
  91. >Bad things
  92. >MESSY things
  93. >Still, though, from the look of horror on the colt's face he took your threat seriously
  94. >"B-But... but, it's the FOREST!" he babbled. "A noblecolt like myself could NEVER go behind some dirty tree like an ANIMAL!"
  95. >You tried your hardest to roll your eyes
  96. >You failed, of course
  97. >He was too good be piss behind a tree?
  98. >Who the fuck did he think he was?
  99. >You've known forest gods that had no problem squatting behind a bush so that they could do their business
  100. >Shaking your head, you pushed yourself away from the tree and began to make your way over to the little four-legger
  101. >He took a few steps back until he just kind of stood there rooted to the ground, his knees knocking together as he looked up at you with wide, fearful eyes
  102. >It was something that you liked to call "the pone freeze"
  103. >Not a very good name but fuck off you liked it
  104. >You snorted quietly, leaning against your club
  105. >You've known FILLIES braver than this so-called NOBLE
  106. >The little scaredy cat
  107. "We are all animals in this forest, horn-head," you said, looming over him. "Now go and do your business. I want to get home before the sun sets."
  108.  
  109. >The stallion whimpered, his ears flat against his skull
  110. >You could see tears forming out of the corners of his eyes
  111. >"B-But--"
  112. >The earth shook as you tapped your club against the ground
  113. "Go. Use. The. Bathroom," you growled
  114. >He twitched, looking down at the ground
  115. >"B-But I have to go... number two," he whispered
  116. >Your nose scrunched up
  117. >Number two?
  118. >What the hell was number TWO?
  119. >Your eyes narrowed, and you thought far longer and far harder about it then you should have
  120. >Finally, it came to you
  121. >...
  122. >What in Gaia's name...?
  123. "Use leaves," you said as calmly as you could. "Green ones. If they look shiny or have a red glint, or any kind of glint to them do not touch them."
  124. >The stallion blinked
  125. >"B-But toilet paper--"
  126. >This time the trees shook as you SLAMMED your club against the ground
  127. >The stallion, with a yelp, darted off into the trees
  128. >You ignored him, covering your face with a hand
  129. >What were they teaching ponies these day?
  130. >Noblecolt or not, he SHOULD have some knowledge about the forest
  131. >SOME knowledge
  132. >Toilet paper...
  133. >What the HELL were you going to get toilet paper in a forest?!
  134. >Did he think that you were hiding it under your furs?
  135. >You shook your head, signing loudly
  136. >Back in your day ponies had a bit more sense
  137. >Not much more sense, mind you--they were PONIES after all-- but a hell of a lot more sense than this
  138.  
  139. >"A SNAKE!" the stallion roared from the behind the trees, making you jump. "IT'S A SNAKE! A BIG SNAKE! SOMEPONY, ANYPONY, HELP ME! IT'S GOING TO EAT ME!"
  140. >Concerned, you take a step toward the trees
  141. >But there was no need
  142. >After a moment you saw what was bothering the colt
  143. >A rat snake, half the size of your pinkie
  144. >...
  145. >You had a feeling that this was going to be a very long job..
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