Here Be Giants

>"PUT ME DOWN!"
"No."
>"I DEMAND THAT YOU PUT ME DOWN RIGHT THIS INSTANT, YOU RUFFIAN!"
"No."
>"YOU KNOW YOU'RE ONLY MAKING THIS WORSE FOR YOURSELF! WHEN THE PRINCESSES HEAR OF THIS, THEY'LL SEND THEIR GREATEST WARRIORS AND THEY'LL--"
>You sighed to yourself
>There was a pony under your arm
>This pony was a stallion; a unicorn stallion to be more exact
>He looked like a noble, what with his fancy vest, his hair, and that weird monocle that he had been wearing before it had fallen somewhere along the path
>He had loudly complained about it, but threatening to eat him had shut him up
>For about five minutes
>"I HAVEN'T THE FOGGIEST IDEA WHY YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH THIS, YOU DISGUSTING GIANT, BUT I PROMISE YOU THAT YOU WILL NOT! I HAVE VERY POWERFUL FRIENDS IN COURT, AND THE MOMENT THAT THEY--"
>Usually, when you coltnapped a stallion, it was a breeze
>They didn't try to fight like the mares did, they didn't get into everything like the colts and fillies
>All you needed to do was growl and they'd pass right out
>Then you'd be able to carry them back to your cave, tie them to a rock, and wait until another pony came asking what you wanted for their return
>You didn't know WHY
>You had lived in this part of the Everfree for almost two hundred years
>This wasn't the first time that you had stolen a careless stallion from the road
>And it wasn't like you changed your demands
>All you wanted was some sweets, a few thousand nails, and a couple cats that you could snack on
>You weren't like that other giant near Foggy Bottom
>You were reasonable in what you wanted from the ponyfolk
>The stupid, stupid ponyfolk who wouldn't move their roads even after all of these years
>The fucking plebs

>"EW! EW! WHAT IN CELESTIA'S NAME DID I JUST TOUCH! WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT WAS THHHHHAT?!"
>The club in your other hand-- a giant, thick thing that you had made out of an ironwood oak-- tapped against a tree as your grip on it tightened
>It seemed that you had gotten unlucky today
>The stallion in your hand hadn't passed out
>No, you had gotten a rowdy one
>And worse than that, you had gotten a rowdy one that liked to talk
>A lot
>A lot, a lot
>You could feel the stallion squirming as hard as he could in your grasp while he shouted and screamed and caused a general ruckus
>You didn't care for his screaming
>Or his crying
>Or his demands or threats
>You also didn't very much care for all the piss that had gotten onto your leg when you had first snatched him up
>...That was usually unavoidable for this kind of thing, sure, but that didn't mean that you liked it
>"I AM COUNT FANCY PANTS, YOU IGNORANT BARBARIAN. I AM A POWERFUL, STRONG-WILLED STALLION THAT WILL NOT--!"
>Why couldn't you have gotten some frail, pure as the driven snow colt?
>You used to get them all the time a few years back
>They were great
>A little food, water, maybe something warm to sleep on and they'd be happy
>Sometimes they'd even go out and collect berries for you or something like that
>But now all you've been getting were stallions like this
>Loud, angry little things that screamed and complained until they were red in the face and your ears were ringing
>It was bullshit!
>Your job was already hard enough, what with the adventurers and knights always trying to murder you and cut off your cock for some reasons
>But with THIS added onto it?

>It made your already hard job even harder
>...
>Maybe you should have been a shepherd of the forest like your mother wanted
>The hours might have been shit, but at least the job was relatively stable
>And you could hit on all of the qt wood nymphs that you wanted...
>"I'M TIRED! WHERE ARE WE GOING? I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!"
>While what most of what the stallion had said went in one ear and out of the other, hearing the word bathroom got your attention
>You might not want to stop but you also didn't want to get pissed on
>Again
>You stopped, looking around
>The trees of the forest were all around you
>No animal was within earshot
>The forest said nothing of intruders
>You and this irritating stallion were alone
>Alrighty
>Without a second thought you let go of the little colt
>"OHMYBUCKING--OMPH!"
>You weren't holding him high enough that the fall would break any bones, but from the meaty thud that he made when he hit the forest floor you could tell that he'd be feeling THAT in the morning
>Heh...
>You had to resist the urge to laugh as the stallion not only hit the ground but bounced before landing hard on his side
>He quickly rolled to his hooves, his eyes wide and wild
>"Son of a carrot!" he yelped, pain very evident in his voice. "What in Luna's name did you do that for?!"
>The earth shook as you tapped your club against it
>The stallion, taking your gesture as a threat, took a step backward
"You wished to use the bathroom," you grumbled, your voice sounding booming and gravely even to your ears. "Go and use the bathroom."

>You waved over to a line of trees
"Don't go wandering off. I'd rather not cut you out of a Cragadile."
>The stallion immediately looked over toward the trees
>His nose scrunched up while you leaned against a nearby tree
>"And what in Celestia's name do you expect me to do HERE?!" he shrieked
"I have no desire to be pissed on again, little horn-head," you said, inspecting your nails. "So if you have to--"
>"In the forest?!"
"Yes, in the forest."
>"W-What?!"
"If you don't go yourself, I'd be more than happy to squeeze the piss and shit out of you."
>You'd never do that of course
>The last time you tried... things happened
>Bad things
>MESSY things
>Still, though, from the look of horror on the colt's face he took your threat seriously
>"B-But... but, it's the FOREST!" he babbled. "A noblecolt like myself could NEVER go behind some dirty tree like an ANIMAL!"
>You tried your hardest to roll your eyes
>You failed, of course
>He was too good be piss behind a tree?
>Who the fuck did he think he was?
>You've known forest gods that had no problem squatting behind a bush so that they could do their business
>Shaking your head, you pushed yourself away from the tree and began to make your way over to the little four-legger
>He took a few steps back until he just kind of stood there rooted to the ground, his knees knocking together as he looked up at you with wide, fearful eyes
>It was something that you liked to call "the pone freeze"
>Not a very good name but fuck off you liked it
>You snorted quietly, leaning against your club
>You've known FILLIES braver than this so-called NOBLE
>The little scaredy cat
"We are all animals in this forest, horn-head," you said, looming over him. "Now go and do your business. I want to get home before the sun sets."

>The stallion whimpered, his ears flat against his skull
>You could see tears forming out of the corners of his eyes
>"B-But--"
>The earth shook as you tapped your club against the ground
"Go. Use. The. Bathroom," you growled
>He twitched, looking down at the ground
>"B-But I have to go... number two," he whispered
>Your nose scrunched up
>Number two?
>What the hell was number TWO?
>Your eyes narrowed, and you thought far longer and far harder about it then you should have
>Finally, it came to you
>...
>What in Gaia's name...?
"Use leaves," you said as calmly as you could. "Green ones. If they look shiny or have a red glint, or any kind of glint to them do not touch them."
>The stallion blinked
>"B-But toilet paper--"
>This time the trees shook as you SLAMMED your club against the ground
>The stallion, with a yelp, darted off into the trees
>You ignored him, covering your face with a hand
>What were they teaching ponies these day?
>Noblecolt or not, he SHOULD have some knowledge about the forest
>SOME knowledge
>Toilet paper...
>What the HELL were you going to get toilet paper in a forest?!
>Did he think that you were hiding it under your furs?
>You shook your head, signing loudly
>Back in your day ponies had a bit more sense
>Not much more sense, mind you--they were PONIES after all-- but a hell of a lot more sense than this

>"A SNAKE!" the stallion roared from the behind the trees, making you jump. "IT'S A SNAKE! A BIG SNAKE! SOMEPONY, ANYPONY, HELP ME! IT'S GOING TO EAT ME!"
>Concerned, you take a step toward the trees
>But there was no need
>After a moment you saw what was bothering the colt
>A rat snake, half the size of your pinkie
>...
>You had a feeling that this was going to be a very long job..