To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern:

I don't want to alarm anyone by the nature of this pastebin. This isn't a farewell letter or anything of the sort; I just felt I needed to write down a lot of what's been on my mind lately. A lot has been happening personally lately, and a lot of it has affected me in ways from which I'm not sure I can escape, but it is killing me that I've kept so much of it to myself for so long. I've needed help badly for the last few years of my life and while I've tried taking steps personally (ie therapy + medication), I've done a lot of things to hinder any support groups that I had around me while simultaneously destroying arguably the greatest thing to ever happen to me. In all honesty I don't feel that I've been in control for a lot of this but at the same time there isn't any excuse for some things that I've done. I don't really know where this is going to go, but I do know there's going to be a lot of explaining and apologizing.

A lot of my life has been shaped by mental illness. Four and a half years ago, I learned what I thought was the extent of my mental health issues after an impulsive attempt on my life stemming from a heated argument at home. My home life has never really been great, as I've had to live up to lofty expectations while enduring rigorous/borderline abusive treatment. At the hospital, I learned of the severe depression that had been plaguing me as well as a heap of anxiety. These still massively affect my life in horrible ways, and up until this year I had never really considered just how awful it could be. That day I also was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Again, up until late last year I had accepted it and tried to handle it, but as I continued having breakdown after breakdown, I had considered that it could be something more. To this day, I truly think it's something more, and not knowing what it is has put a huge strain on me mentally. This past year has been one of the worst in my life, which sounds confusing when you consider everything that has happened.

I met the love of my life in April of last year. It was a short conversation and neither of us knew it at the time, but our lives would change dramatically. But I can't really start here. My problems stem before all of that, though it started really towards the end of last year. I was in an online relationship through September and October. I don't think I want to drop names but I know some people reading this will know. It wasn't really a healthy relationship looking back on it, but a lot of problems that I've found within myself happened then too, although some stemmed from there as well. When things were bad between us, there wasn't a lot of communication. They would make subtweets and I would feel horrible about them. But I thought I was the problem through this and I figured that I just had to be better. That I needed to try harder. I did put forth that effort because I wanted it to work, but I feel that I put myself under so much pressure that I would sink to awful lows when I felt I was failing. That's what I thought at the time, but I'll address this later since it's a defining part of this year. Needless to say, that relationship was heading south quickly. She eventually did break up with me, although in a way that felt horrible to me and, in honest hindsight, ridiculous - I had been added to a group DM with her previous ex telling us both that she was done with relationships. Not being told this privately and having to learn with people that didn't involve the relationship broke me, and I feel that conditioned me in a way moving forward; I always have this fear that if I mess up someone's going to leave my life without letting me know, and that I would deserve it somehow. Yet I didn't want to give up because I really thought that I wasn't good enough and that if I tried harder the relationship could work, so we did end up getting back together. I quickly learned that it was more or less a farce though; any emotions from before never really carried over and by the dying days of it we were barely talking. This is where I feel I messed up the most.

It's November. I decided one night to check out a stream from the girl I met in April, aliased as luma. I do feel comfortable name dropping here because I feel most people know about her, and I will directly be talking to her at the end of this. A day later, I watched again, and both days were really fun. She DM'd me after the second night thanking me and we had a conversation after, and honestly we hit it off perfectly. I, however, am an idiot. I was still in a relationship, albeit one that wasn't functioning, but I didn't know how to break it off. The problem was, I didn't know how to tell luma that I was in that relationship because I was afraid of hurting her feelings; we were flying in conversation and I felt letting her down would be downright cruel. What ended up happening is that luma found out that we were dating, and rightfully she decided not to trust me for it. In some aspects I believe what I did was cheating, and if anyone sees it as such I don't blame them; it was a horrible fault of mine for wanting to make two different people happy at once. I did end up breaking off the relationship with the aforementioned partner, and it went a lot painlessly than I thought because, well, we didn't really talk towards the end of it. It just made sense. That said, she still wanted to be friends, and it isn't really in my nature to turn that down.

Luma of course took issue with this, and I don't blame her one bit. After all, I had hidden the fact that I was in a relationship when we really started talking. At this point, though, she was comfortable dating me. Again, this was an issue of me trying to make two people happy at once, and by doing that I severely hurt Luma's trust. Come January, she was asking me to leave. She was in an awful place at the time, as she does suffer from seasonal depression among other things that I don't think I'm allowed to declassify. The way she treated me during this time period was, in her words, monstrous, but I never blamed her for it because I was the one that breached her trust and I know I deserved it. That said, I made a choice that started a trend for me. I ended up cutting off all contact with my previous partner, and I told Luma that she was the only person that I wanted to make happy in my life. That has not changed, although the circumstances now are far different.

Throughout this relationship, a lot of the lows that plagued me in my previous one happened. Frequently. At times I would self-deprecate or threaten self-harm, and she had to bear the brunt of that. In other times, I felt that I was far from good enough for her, and I was asking her to leave while simultaneously guilting her to stay. I hadn't taken action of it by June, when we were meeting each other in person for the first time. That trip.....was honestly one of the best moments of my life. Everything felt perfect with her, and it really solidified the feeling that my future was with her. Then a week after the trip, I had another breakdown. This time, it was based horribly on a lack of communication on my part and a really uncalled for blowup at her after. She promptly cut herself off from me, and I was devastated. This, however, did spur me to start therapy, and while I do think that process has been beneficial for me - notably through the medicine that I've been taking - I don't feel as if it's really helped me get to the root of my mental issues.

While we ended up back together and while there was some progress being shown, it was more of a two steps forward two steps backward kind of deal. Every time I would feel I was getting better, something would happen that would cause another breakdown. I think this is best captured by me telling her not to come on her flight for a second trip in October, just two days before the actual flight. She did end up coming and this trip was so much better than the last, but the actions before showed that I hadn't really figured out what was happening to me, and that lack of knowledge still plagues me now.

She's not cut off from me completely, but she can't be anywhere near me because I haven't improved. Throughout the past year, this relationship has seen plenty of manipulation and deprecation from my part. This will probably sound horrible but I truly don't believe this is completely intentional. While I do have control of my actions, I've spent the better part of a decade acting off of impulse. I've lived and still live in an environment that brings out the worst of me. These aren't excuses at all for what I've done to her, but she and I both understand that this isn't easy for me. I was supposed to be moving there with her to escape this, but between her not being able to trust me through all of my breakdowns and her having to take care of both her and myself - a task deemed impossible by her - that move was called off. Personally, being promised escape and having it stripped away, especially when I had already spent so much and put so much effort into making it happen, hurt me horribly, and I did end up taking it out on her. Whether that's fair or not isn't up to me, but it's set me back so much in terms of how I feel about myself. I'm not good enough to take care of myself or to be trusted enough to live with her. Hell, I'm horribly unfit to be the rock that she's so desired of me for so long. I know that there's so much wrong with me and I haven't done enough to tackle that and it's hurt her in the worst ways and I'm so terribly sorry for that. Writing this now, I can't stop crying because she means everything to me but I've shown her absolutely no reason to believe that, and it's not fair to her to have to endure this when she's suffering so much more than I can imagine. I've grown to be so dependent on her, up to the point where I would do anything to protect her and make her happy, but my own inability to get out of my way and to stop these horrible dips has cost me any right to be close to her right now.

If I've seen quiet the past few weeks, this is why. I've been so anxious about everything with her that it's crippled me elsewhere. Today I left a few places that I called my home for years because I'm in such a low that I'm unfit to be near them. To the people of the Mew2Kingdom, telps, and NC Melee, as well as anyone from TGH's or Shay's community that might be reading this, I am so sorry for letting all of you down. I truly love all of you and through the ups and downs of my life you've all been there for me in some way or another, but I'm not in a place mentally where I can feel as if I deserve any of your support. This is the lowest I have ever felt and I don't deserve anything for what I've done to luma. I have to become a better person for me to feel like I can be a part of any community, but I'm honestly so lost on what to do at this point. I have years of emotional manipulation burdened on me, but it's not fair to paint that as a problem of mine because of what it did to those affected. I have to overcome so much grief and guilt for so much of my life. I've been such a letdown to everyone and I want to be a better person than what I've shown. I need to get out of this toxic environment at home, but I'm not able to support myself financially. I feel guilty leeching off of other people but I know if things continue this way at home, I will not make it much further. That's what spurred the move I had in place before, but I don't have that option anymore. I don't know where to go and it scares me so much.

To luma, words can't begin to tell how sorry I am for what I've done to you. From moment one I've handled this relationship poorly, and there isn't anything that makes up for how I've treated you. Hearing today that you didn't believe that I cared for you at all broke me, but I can't fault you for saying that because more often than not I have failed to show you how much I really do care about you. Writing this has been so hard but I wanted you to be able to see how serious this is to me. I don't know if we'll ever be able to reach that future that I promised you, and frankly I don't deserve that, but whatever happens I just want you to know that you are perfect and deserve so much more than what's been thrown at you, not just by me but by life in general. I don't know where to go from here, but know that I can't ever bring myself to move on. It is of extreme importance that I get to the bottom of what's been plaguing me for so long, and I set right everything I did wrong to you. That's a promise.

Whatever is plaguing me is not normal. Whether it be some stigmatization from trauma endured from my youth or the massive failures of my life since high school, or whether it's just a part of me that stuck to me from birth, I do not know. It feels so horrible to not know what's going on in my brain and feeling helpless to stop it when it takes control. It can't be something as simple as bipolar disorder. When I hit my lows I feel like I am a completely different person while simultaneously having the self-awareness of the person I feel I really am, or should be. So much of my self-deprecation over the last year has come in these dips; I would become this horrible person while acknowledging just how much of a failure I am in that moment. I know what I'm doing is bad, but it feels impossible to stop it right now. It has affected every aspect of my life, from draining me of any motivation to be productive, from seeing me back out of job offers, to being too anxious to talk to people when it happens, to flat out taking it out on the person I love. My life is a disaster right now and I don't know how to fix it, especially when this keeps happening to me.

I don't know what I'm going to do after I finish writing this. I have so much to work on but I have no idea where to start. I have to satisfy my father by working with him even though he's the main reason why I feel the way I do about myself. I don't feel comfortable going out to events in the Melee community until I feel assured that I can put this behind me. In the same vein, I'm not comfortable being in the communities I hold dear to me, especially when they've done so much for me only to have nothing given to them in return. I don't know if I'm strong enough to make it much further, but I'm going to try my best.

To everyone reading this, I'm sorry for failing you. I have to be better.

William "Causter" Lasater