Thread 85: Stories 1-15

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 >Applejack
"Celestia"
~~~

>Hey, Tia? Got a question.

"And I have THE POWER OF THE SUN!"

>MAH EYES!

"AHAHAHAHAH!...."

>OW! GADDANG IT!

"I just realized I actually am waiting for my cake to be delivered, so I can't run away."

>SWEET JUICY APPLES IT HURTS SO MUCH!

"Can you run away instead? Perhaps in terror of that happening again?... No?"

>WHEN AH' SEE YA'LL AH'M GONNA TEAR YER' FAT SUNNY CUTIE MARK RIGHT OFF!

"...Hrm. I can either easily escape her while she is blind, or wait and possibly get my cake and then run off. There's a certainty with one, but no cake. There's maybe cake with the other, but uncertainty... choices choices..."

>WHY DO AH' TASTE COPPER!? DID YA'LL GIVE ME CANCER OR SOMETHIN'!?

"...Choices... choices..."

>AH' HATE YOU!

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inspired by:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aY1XpTzLn0A
>AJ
"Spike"
'DT'

DEFINITELY non-canon

~~~
One day...
'Holy crap, Stalliongrad's attacking!'

>Everyone, time ta introduce mah mainline Appletanks!

Another day...

"Applejack, Neighzis u-boats are attacking the shipping lanes in the oceans!"

>Deploy tha Apple Submarines, loverboy!

And then...

>Saddle Arabian Terrorists attackin'? Not on mah watch! Apple Corps, go!

'Okay, seriously, what's with the apple-themed stuff lately?'

>Whaddya'll mean?

"Well, there's the Apple Corps, apple submarines, apple tanks. Then there's your apple planes, apple drones, apple flamethrower for kids..."

>Ah, that... Well try not to laugh, but Ah'm tryin' ta beaty Fawntine by gettin' a name brand out.

'Huh?'

>Yep, an militarty stuff's jus' tha beginning, Twiligh's helped me make a new line o' personal computers for everyone in Equestria, it's got its own operatin' system too to compete wit' Wind-Does.

'No...'

>Try it, Spike!

'Stop!'

"Hey, this is pretty good."

'You're turning into...'

>Like it? We got music players, tablets, the works!

'HIPSTERS!!!!!!!'

Applejack and Spike are suddenly wearing glasses and thrift store scarfs. And in Spike's case...

'Wait, where's Charity?!'

"Huh? Oh, I traded her for a less main stream gun, you've probably never head of it, it's pretty obscure."

'NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!'

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>Rarity
"Pinkie"
~~~~

>...Is that a boat with little gripper on the side?

"It's so Fluttershy can help the hurt is fishes swim. Costs... A lot."

>...

"Is that a painting made by that really expensive and famous artist?"

>More expensive than famous, even.

"...You think we're overdoing this?"

>You could stop.

"NEVER!... You could too."

>...

"That's what I thought. Need help carrying that stuff?"

>Would you?

"Of course! Pinkie is always on the case to help her friends!"

>Oh, thank you, you're a darling.

"...But I'm still gonna win."

>BRING IT!

"...Have you not been paying attention? I don't know how much harder I can do this..."

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>Spike
"42"
~~

>Sooo... what's the plan?

"Well, I was thinking I could go to the Shine-Shack first, get a diamond cutter tip polished for Diamond Tiara to stick on one of her missiles, then I was going to go over to the croquet place and get Seventy Seven some new clubs, then-"

>That is not what I meant. What's the plan with... you know, Cadence?

"I was thinking I needed to go get the venom from a Stone Snake's teeth so I could mix it together with the drops of the Bugbear's honey for a coat shining mixture."

>...

"Too much? I could just get her a card instead... but I really want to punch a bugbear..."

>Okay, Forty Two? Oblivious you time is before you admit you're in love with my brother's wife, not after. After is 'what you want to do about it' time. This is that time.

"Oh."

>...

"...I just wanted someone else to know, that's all."

>...That's all.

"Yes. That is the extent of what I planned to do."

>You don't wanna... tell her, maybe?

"Oh sweet mother in the Hivemind, no. I'll be much, much happier if I die and she never finds out, that would be the best."

>That's... dark.

"What is dark about hoping that you will live your life in service to them with them never knowing of any deeper feelings before one day being put to rest content in the knowledge that they never knew of said feelings, and it never changed anything?"

>...What part of that isn't dark?

"Oh, you're just overthinking things."

>Because thinking in situations, that's exactly what you don't do!

"Paranoid."

>I'm serious here, you don't want her, or anyone, to know? This can't be healthy.

"Noooo, what's not healthy was the fact I kept hitting my own brain to make it stop, and yet it wouldn't."

>...

"..."

>...See, this is the non-healthy part I was talking about.

"Oh, like you would know about healthy relationships."

>Hey! Whoa now!

"PIN CUSHION! Literal PIN CUSHION! You didn't even have to be! Literally anything else would have worked! A stick of wood would have worked!"

>It would have dulled the needle...

"And dragon scales wouldn't?"

>...Fiiiine, I'm not the best to be talking about this. So uh... maybe just go get someone else?

"I don't want THESE irregular brain patterns in the first place! If I could just go after Crumbles instead and make them stop, I WOULD! But surprise surprise, it doesn't fucking work!"

>Okay, can we please stop referring to 'a crush' as 'irregular brain patterns'? You make it sound like you have cancer.

"...Oh, hey! Maybe all of this is just a brain tumor! That would make a ton of sense."

>...You sure I can't tell someone else? I feel like I need someone to look at with a 'did she just say that' look everytime you say something like that.

"NO! NOBODY CAN KNOW! NOBODY! This is my horrible, disgusting secret I am taking to my grave after a lifetime of making sure both of them are SAFE, and HAPPY, and PROTECTED AS BEST I CAN! THE END!"

>...

"..."

>Shaking me was not necessary.

"AND ON THAT NOTE...Do you think Twilight would be willing to look for the tumor if you asked? I don't want to ask, it would look suspicious."

>...how... how would that...

"It's easy. You say there's something wrong with your head, go in to get scanned with whatever machine, then I throw down a flashbang and you and I switch out at the last second! It's foolproof!"

>...Couldn't you just disguise yourself at me?

"See? Overthinking things."

>Look, Forty Two? As your friend? This is... really bothering me. You're obviously not happy, overly stressed, and this is eating you alive from the inside out. Pretending it's not a thing isn't going to help anyone.

"Except everyone except me. Everyone wins!"

>...Except you.

"Meh... want to go Hearth's Warming shopping now?"

>...You can't be-

"Let's go shopping."

Without waiting, she rushed out the door at top speed, gone in a second.

>Well, that's not-

'Um, Spikey Wikey?'

>............................

'Yeah, try not to leave Charity on next time.'

>.....Fuck.

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>Chrysalis
"???"
~~~~

On most days, Chrysalis was quite a happy sort. With plenty of things to enjoy and plenty more things to be excited about. She was used to smiling.

However, it was rare that she was trying her very best not to smile in the slightest, not to grin from ear to ear in an unsettling sight that would no doubt betray her giddy internal feelings. It was rare she looked perfectly, utterly at ease, when inside she was nothing less than a bubbly volcano of joy.

If any had known, they probably would have been quite unsettled that these feelings were directly aimed at the one she had just so happened to stumble across in the road of Canterlot.

None other than her favorite unlucky changeling..

"M-my Queen!

>Thirteen, how wonderful to see you finally.

Her voice was smooth as a viper's stomach, as cool and slick as a freshly frozen lake. She was the very picture of relaxation, an opposite to the barely hidden discomfort on the changelings face.

"You look... good."

>I tend to bounce back quickly. You as well seem a touch more... mature?

"I'm... kind of surprised you recognized me."

>Oh, as if I could forget such a uniqueness as yours.

Out of the blue, her horn ignited, catching what would have been a wave of snow mysteriously shaken free from the roof above, and easily deflecting it away from the changeling. Unmoved, suddenly the wall beside the other Queen must have become very interesting.

"...Have you spoken with her yet?"

>Hm? Who do you mean?

"I-I'm sorry, but... you know who I mean."

>Ahhhh, my favorite Aunt. No, Thirteen... I'm afraid me and her have not had the chance to speak since your shocking reveal.

"...We came to try to see you, several times, but you were always unconscious."

>Yes, love-burnout is quite the problem. No matter, I'm quite fit and prim, back to one hundred percent and perhaps a little more, and more than happy to have a discussion with both you and her if you would like.

"T-that would be good... thanks."

The Queen's eyes shifted, seeming to take on an edge to them as she looked to the other changeling.

>You are acting strange... is she threatening you?

Her head jerked up, denials already on her tongue, only to be cut off by the decisive, booming royal voice.

>Make no mistake, Thirteen, you have nothing to fear from her, and you owe her nothing if she is not as she was. I have grown quite a lot stronger since we last fought, if she still threatens you, I will be able to defeat her with minimal damage to anything else. I saved you from her wrath once before, do not think for a second I could not again. You do not need to lie if you are being threatened-

"N-NO!"

Desperation, mixed with a bit of fear in there as well, allowed the slightly taller looking changeling to finally look back to her completely.

"Thank you My Queen, for... but no, she's not... she's trying, she's trying as best she can to make up for everything that happened, she's not... she doesn't want to lose me again. I think it would..."

She didn't say it. Didn't need to, either.

>...Very well. Does this mean you wish to rejoin her Hive?

She winced, a painful look as if she were struck renting across her face.

"D-d-do... is that what you wish, your Majesty? Do I have to... choose?"

Chrysalis, in body at least, was not technically related to a viper. One would never know that from the way she always knew when to strike.

>Do not be silly, of course not.

She started, looking up in confusion at the Queen as she approached her. Gently, almost playfully, a much larger hoof came to rest on her head.

>There is room for you to have a life beyond merely where we live, after all. Why, several of them have sought out and done exactly that, no?... But no matter where they roam, this is their hive, and I am their Queen. I merely wished to make sure your mother has not vocalized a desire to replace either of those.

"N-no... no of course she wouldn't."

>Then I see no problems. Until such time that she seeks otherwise, the Hive shall accept you with welcome arms... and perhaps a punch or two. By all means, spend as much time as you wish with your mother, I would not dream of forcing anything else.

She chuckled, the easy, almost matronly voice putting Thirteen at ease just as it always had before.

"D-does... does that mean.."

>Hm?

"...Can I... bring her with me?"

That same easy, light voice grew even lighter as thoughtful look crossed the Queen's face.

>Oh? What do you mean?

"...Can she come too? When I go and..."

She made it look like she was thinking, made it seem this was something she actually debated, dragged it out just long enough for Thirteen to start looking worried.

>...Well, I suppose if Jugglejack can bring in that annoying idiot friend of his, why would I be so cruel as to deny you introducing your mother to them?... Though I expect they will want an apology.

She looked as though she had been granted the perfect gift, the elation on a childs face that grew as they tore off more and more wrapping from the paper.

"O-of course! She'll say sorry if she does! So... so she can..."

>Thirteen?

She paused, unsure about the sudden, serious voice.

>...That is your hive, and I am your Queen, correct?

"...Yes."

>Then you deserve the chance to bring in someone important to you, if you feel like it. I will stop any who disagrees.

"Not... necessary. T-thank you... again."

>No need to thank me, I merely am doing my duty, as any would be expected to.

She ruffled her fin-like hair one more time, leaving the changeling just a little unsure about the final words she had spoken.

"...Of course, as any would."

>Good. Now, if you don't mind-

"Will you speak to her?"

She paused, smiling once again.

>...Yes. I think that's a fine idea.

"Thank you..."

>Oh, no need...

She left the smiling, elated changeling behind, looking light as air and floating without a care.

>...I'd have done it anyway.

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>Spike
"???"
~~~~~

>Okay, so, step one, find Rarity. Step two, put something in her mouth to keep her from blabbing about Forty Two's secret, perhaps indefinitely. Just a nonstop barrage of me jamming something in her mouth over and over and over and why do my scales feel funny-

A loud screech of metal cut off his thoughts, seconds before a train flew past.

>...

"COME BACK HERE YOU JERKS- OH CRAP!"

BLAM!

Those other thoughts were also cut off by a tackle.

>...

"...Hi Spike!"

>Hi, Fifty Five.

"...You doing okay?"

>There's a changeling on me, and he is on fire.

"Oh no! That usually hurts!"

>...

"Oh, wait, you meant me. Sorry."

>...Why were you chasing a train?

"A bunch of bandits stole all the presents I was delivering to Ingrid's grandmother's orphanage! Just... out of the blue! It was so weird!"

>...Annnd.

"OH! RIGHT! I should probably go after those."

>...

"Do you have any fire? I think the snow put me out."

>...

"No? I understand, fire is hard to keep on you sometimes."

>...Fifty Five? Can I come with you?

"OH! Sure! Yeah! You're a hero guy too! That'll work. You wanna team up?"

>Team up, make sure you don't accidentally hurt anyone... we'll go with whatever.

"AWESOME! But where are we going to get some fire-"

FWOOOSH!

"...Oh hey! You can breath fire! OF COURSE!"

>Just let me hop on.

"Aren't you worried you'll get burned? Ingrid has to be careful when she rides me."

>You know what, I think I'll manage.

"Okay! AHAHAHAHAH! AWAYYYYYY!"

With a clack of chains and a flare of flame, they were off.

And Spike tried his best to ignore those previous words, and that same funny scale feeling.

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>2
"Applebloom"
'Sweetie Belle'
[Scootaloo]
~~~~

>So, what're ya' gettin' fer' Hearts Warmin'?

"It's HEARTH'S Warmin'. Hearth."

>What's a hearth?

"...Pfft, can't believe ya'll don't know that. Sweetie, will ya' tell her?"

'Er, I would, but Scootaloo has a really funny Hearth joke, she should tell it.'

[What? No I don't.]

'Are you sure? I could have sworn you told me once... try to make one up!'

[You're the one that knows the joke.]

'I uh... forgot?'

[But you just mentioned it!]

'It's really easily forgettable. You know what? Just tell her, I'll try to remember it while you do.'

[You tell her!]

'Can't, thinking of jokes.'

"She's thinkin' bout a joke, Scoots, stop tryin' ta' rush her. Comedy takes time."

[Fine, then you tell her!]

"Ah' would, but Ah'm just really invested ta' see what she comes up with, and am focusin' mah attention over there. Ya'll have this."

[You just don't know what it is!]

"WHAAAAA!? Me!? That there is right insultin'! Ah'm insulted!"

'Scootloo how could you!? Being so mean to your friend!'

"HRMPH! Ah'm not talkin' ta' you fer' the rest of the day!'

'I'm joining you in sold... solideers... me too!'

[...]

"..."
'...'

[...It's the floor of a fireplace.]

"'I KNEW THAT!"'

>So, wait, why's it called Hearth's Warming then? None of them had fireplaces yet.

"'[...]"'

"Don't question it and just enjoy yer' presents."

>Done and done!

[...Were we ever that naive?]

'YAYYYY! PRESENTS!'

"..."

[Nevermind.]

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>Chitania
"???"
~~~~~

Hrm, the Titan thought to herself, she was actually sort of feeling a little... alone right now.

Arana had scurried off to who knows where, Sweet Note and her daughter were still missing, and... that was pretty much it. That was the extent of her entire life at this point.

>Huh.

Were she the type to get depressed, she would probably find that a little sad. But she wasn't, she was more of the 'who the fuck cares' sort.

Still, this did nothing to alleviate the silence.

"Oh... it's you."

That, however, did a marvelous job.

>...You.

Now, while she was not one to mope, she was very much one to get angry.

And right now, she was very much one who was feeling angry.

That the yellow mare with her red striped mane did not run off is either a testament to her bravery or just how toothless ponies considered her nowadays. She did not know which one made her want to strike her more.

She did, at the very least, seem slightly apologetic, but not nearly enough for Chitania not to consider striking her right there and ending this right now, permanently.

>You know, if I were to crush you right now, I could pass it off as temporary insanity.

"That's a very misrepresented legal basis."

>It must work on some level, seeing as you're walking around, and I do not remember voicing my opinions on the one who blew a chunk out of me being free.

She held at least some satisfaction in that wince, that look of brief and sudden pain on the ponies face. That look that said, at the very least, that was something she truly regretted.

"I am sorry about that, for as little as it's worth. I didn't want... any of that. Nothing should have gone as far as it did."

>Things aren't going to go as they 'should' go for quite some time yet, so that is about as worthless as offering me a scone on a winters night.

She, thankfully, didn't question that one, but sadly she also didn't take the hint and leave as she should have.

"Did you reconcile with your daughter yet?"
Nor did she realize that she was seconds away from death.

>That is none of your concern.

"...This could've all been avoided if you just told me, you know. We could've just worked together and-"

>Are you actually slow? Tell me, I will feel bad if I kill a retarded child.

That glare just screamed 'squash me! Squash me like the idiot I am!" but somehow she managed to keep it in check.

>I am not even remotely close to joking right now. Are you really so utterly stupid you think anyone would ever want to work with a whiny, impulsive moron of a pony? That you ever deserved anything?... You know what, I suppose you are.

The snow crunched under her hooves when she rose. Technically, this would be appearing as if she was running, but to be frank she was about to commit a very serious crime and very little could stop her right now but the passage of space between them.

>If I had know what trouble you would cause back in that library, I would have torn your head off just as I did the one who's body you emerged from. And you know what? I would be thanked, praised for ending the moronic reign of one as stupid as you. Never look at me again, you pathetic little thing, never speak to me or I shall-

"She has the secret to Titan Magic."

Her jaw froze, opened wide and gaping, hanging like it was with cold breath leaking out like a deflated balloon. Her mind was a bundle of misfiring nerves as it slowly dawned on her the one thing she had not even considered in all the blaze of her revenge fulfilled her reuniting with her lost kin and the pain that stole away her own magic strength. She had not even considered it, not once.

But now she could think of nothing else.

"In the Empire, in the castle, there is an orb. An orb that holds all the memories of Variolus that she cut right out of my head, taking the secret from me just as she did everything else and keeping it from me just as you did. And inside of those memories... is what she stole from your friend."

Her jaw threatened to splinter, bone straining beneath crushing force as fangs clamped shut. The pain was nothing in comparison to the ringing in her head, and the fire in her chest.

"She hasn't read it yet, but it's only a matter of time. She'll have it soon enough, all of it. So, good job. You kept it from me... and you gave it to her. Good job. If you had just listened to me when you had the chance, none of this would have happened, none of this would have needed to. Only now, instead of helping all ponies, she's going to hide it and hoard it, because that's what she does. It's hers now. She's the one that, if it comes out, will get all the praise. You and me? Well..."

Red.

She was seeing nothing but red. Hearing nothing but the rush of her own blood in her ears.

"...we're just the monsters who used it wrong."

There were the initial thoughts of rage. Of tearing the head from Chrysalis's shoulders in this moment, of storming the Empire's castle herself and forcibly taking back all that was hers. There were thoughts of hate, thoughts of death, thoughts of rage.

...But more than any of that were the thoughts of her child, the one who had saved her, kept her, preserved her and protected her.

She could not.

Not to her.

"...That it? Was expecting at least a bit of screaming."

Her grunt came out more of a growl, and with head rocking from side to side she continued to walk away.

She had to clear her head, now. Before she did something she would regret...

And lost her all over again.

"...Huh..."

Sad, dim eyes followed her as she walked away, followed her until she could be seen no more, and the next words she spoke would reach no other ears.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I got it wrong."

Too late to hear, she knew.

Just as it should be.

"...Only real monster was me..."

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>Dash
"Fleetfoot"
'Soarin'
~~~~~~

>Hey guys, everything running smoothly over here?

"The chickens are in the coop and they're singing to the sun."

>...Oh! Right! Chickens, sun, get it, sure...

'Good to know, 'boss', because we're also skimming the milk out of the trough.'

>Well you don't want to leave your uh... milk in a trough.

"Just like you don't want to shimmy your shinies off to the buzzbee, it's gotta be to the flip floppers."

'Flip floppers charge extra for the sunshine, though.'

"Tell me it's not worth every penny! You tell me!"

>...

"What's the matter? It's all in the books, see for yourself! We wrote down every single expense."

'You have been looking at them, right? We've been spending a lot of time on them.'

>...Right! Sure! Of course I have, hahaha, don't be siiilllyyyy, why wouldn't I? That's just... irresponsible!

"Right."

'SO irresponsible.'

>Riiiiight.

"So we're approved then, right?"

>Pshh, totally, not even a thing.

'Good.'

"Good."

>...

"..."

'...'

>...Hey! Why don't you guys run some laps with the new recruits!

'Training time was two hours ago.'

>Oh, uh...

'...'

>...It's always training time?

'...You know what? I'll roll with it.'

"Can we break the bit too? Please?"

>Sure! But only because you said please.

"Seems fair."

'Totally fair.'

>...Bye!

*They leave*

>...Now... what the FUCK did they say...

~~~~

'Really? You didn't even bother to hide it with that last one.'

"And?"

'...Good point. Gambling?'

"Gambling!"

'"WOOOO!"'

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>18
"SA"
~~~~

>...soooo... shopping!

"Yaaay."

>Yay! Shopping!

"Yay."

>...Sorry. Almost done.

"Wait, what!?"

>What?

"How can we almost be done shopping!?"

>We've been out here for thirty whole minutes.

"...That's it!?"

>Is... am I boring you? I feel like you're saying I'm boring you, and it kind of stings.

"No no no! Not that! I mean... that's it!? We're almost done in just thirty minutes!? How!? We're shopping!"

>...But we got the stuff we wanted.

"...I don't know how to process this... I'm shopping... and I'm not going to be here until the morning?"

>Uh... no? I'm more about efficiency. This was the quickest route to get the most done in the shortest amount of time.

"..."

>...

"..."

>...Still having trouble?

"I need a second."

>Take your time.

"..."
>...
"..."
>...
"..."
>...
"..."
>...
"...okay! I'm good!"

>You good?

"Totally good!"

>...

"Now don't you start."

>Oh. It's just... it's just me, and you and going out and doing stuff.

"Yeah?"

>...Is this a date?

"..."

>...

"..."

>..S-

"Don't see why not."

>Really!?

"Really. Want to go get some food while we wait? We have time now... apparently... still am not used to-"

>YES! FOOD! FOOD IS GOOD!

"EEP!"

>EEEHHEEEHEEEHEEE!

"Please stop dragging me."

>NEVER!

"...Okay."

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>Cadence
"Chrysalis"
~~~~

>Hey, Chrysalis? What do you think of this knife? You think this is good for the chef?

"Oh, the things I could do with that knife..."

>...Yep. I like it too! Hrm... which cart should we get for Applejack? That one's sturdier, but that one seems to have more space.

"Space, always go with space. Sturdiness lets you hold weight, sure, but when it comes right down to it, if you have too many things you need to... disappear... size beats sturdiness everytime."

>That sounds like good idea, would never have thought of that!... Oh! Look at those torches, half off! Those would look great for a night party!

"Yeeeessss... it would be amazing for setting the world ablaze!"

>I know right!?... Is that a gun? Good lord, it's as big as my head!

"Oh ho ho, such pitiful toys, they think they're worth a thing... the fools."

>What?... Oh! You're right, it is a toy! Wow, I feel dumb.

"You're exactly as intelligent as you need to be."

>Wow, I didn't expect you to be so nice, thanks!

"...You notice you've started chewing on your hair now?"

>What?... Oh my! I have! When did that start?

"Been happening a while."

>Why didn't you say anything?

"I dunno, I got used to it. I think it would be weirder for me now if you stopped. Wouldn't even have mentioned it if you hadn't been about to chew your new perm."

>Huh... wonder what else we've gotten used to.

"It is a mystery... but then again, sometimes mysteries can be...fun..."

>I like the ones with the twist endings.

"...mwhaahah... mwahahahaha... AHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

>...

"...I do too."

>Right!?

"Right!"

>So cool!

"I'm glad we're friends."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Chrysalis
"32"

>...okay, what?

"Oh good, you saved me a trip."

>No no no, you will answer me here, what the hell are you doing with a wagon full of envelopes?

"Hm? Oh this? Hearthswarming Cards."

>...Hearthswarming Cards?

"Yes, one for every member of the Hive."

>That's it?

"Hey these things cost like five bits a pop. I had to win so many poker games at Fancy Pants' little soirees before I could even afford half."

>Hmph, did you really have to? It's hardly like we celebrate it.

"I don't know, a holiday about putting aside your differences and recognizing you need each other? I feel like-"

>Oh just give me my card.

"Fine, here."

>...is...is that? Pfffhahahaha!

"They were starting to run out, okay!?"

>'I hope this card doesn't come to you latte'!? Oh wow...and there's even a little cartoon coffee cup, what the fuck, 32?

"I thought it was the thought that counted!"

>What thought!? Oh please tell me the rest have more dumb puns.

"...noooo?"

>Gimme!

"No they're for the hive!"

>I order you to let me see your shitty Hearthswarming Cards!

"Never! Away!"

Fwoosh.

"..."

>Forgot about the fireflight?

"Forgot about the fireflight."

>Gimme.

"Never!"

>Fine.

Wham!

"Hrk!"

>I'll just take them by force.

"Get...off...me...you...cow!"

>Awww, you got one for 42-'I can't get my head around you not having a Happy Hearthswarming'? What?

"In joke."

>Oh riiight the headbutting you thing, heh, classic.

"You're going to sit on me while you read every single one of these dumb cards!?"

>You better believe it.

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Rainbow Dash"
~~~~
>Welcome to Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content doesn't matter and I occasionally serve ponies at the bar! Now for our main guest...RAINBOW DASH!!!

"Awesome bar, Pinkie."

>Thanks. Do you think you'll be able to get closer to the Wonderbolts?
She picks up a shot glass and pours herself a drink.

"Do I? Let me tell you-"

Pinkie downs her drink.
>Ahhhhh that's all for tonight. I can't keep drinking away my money problems.

"Um, are you okay? Do you need-"

>Nope, I'll be fine. The booze helps. I hope you like your drink!
RD wakes up

"...wait she never gave me a drink."

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>Dadling
"Bat-mom"
'???'
[???]
~~~~

>Woooowwwww.... soooo... pprreeeeeet-

*SMACK!*

>OW!... Thanks honey.

"Why do you keep flying towards that!? WHY!?"

>It's pretty! I'm drawn to pretty things!... thought that would be obvious by how I went at you.

"...I will not daw at that you cheap monster."

>Rats! Will have to do something sweeter, she's become immune.

"Ugh... how's she been adjusting to the new crib?"

~PLPLPLPLPLP!~

>Like that. She liked her old crib.

"Yeah, because she could break her way out of it. Little devil."

~PLPLPLPLPLP~

"Don't you plubub your mother! Ugggh... why didn't you tell me their wings were functional at this age?"

>I didn't know, I don't remember what I was like as a baby.

"Dealing with these weird powers is the worst."

'PFFFT!'

"...Did someone just PFT at me?"

>They did.

"Honey, hold me back."

'Oh, dearie, I meant no offense, but I just found the idea funny.'

>...Aren't you those nice baker guys?

[Yep! And let me tell you, you two got off lucky.]

"...Seriously."

'Oh, I'm sure you think this is scary and all, but you know what's scarier? Uncontrollable unicorn magic.'

[FROM AN INFANT.]

>...Babies can use magic?

'They can fly too, apparently! And have increased strength!'

>...Uh...

[Now I want you to picture that, and remember we're both EARTH PONIES, and we have to deal with crazy uncontrollable powers.]

"...That does sound kinda bad-"

'You have NO idea! PRAY you never have to deal with lasers. You have not seen a temper tantrum until they spit LASERS.'

"...I'll keep that in mind."

'Good. Have a Happy Hearth Warming, dearie!'

[You too, Mr Changeling!]

*They leave*

>...Did he seriously just call me 'Mr Changeling'? That would be me calling him Mr Earth Pony.

"I'm more trying to think of the logistics of two non-magically endowed earth ponies giving birth to a unicorn and a pegasi. Ones with increased magical powers, at that."

>...

"..."

>...No comment.

"Smaaart."

~Giggle~

"AND NO LASERS FROM YOU!"

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 >13
"Sweet Note"
~~~~~

>This is wildly unnecessary.

"Awww, come on Sugar Bean! Don't you wanna get your mom something nice? This is the perfect place for it!"

>While I appreciate that, somehow, somewhere, she managed to find someone who would actually want to give her a gift of any kind, I have to say you're misguided. My mother, for all her fightyness, does not use weapons. They slow her down, she feels.

"We're not getting her a weapon, we're finding her something technological and cool!"

>...Seriously?

"Seriously! She goes nuts for new stuff, always 'future this' and 'future that', you'd swear she stepped through a time portal or something."

>...

"Right, right. But come on, don't you wanna get her something nice? I know she's gonna wanna get you something."

>I don't want anything.

"So? It ain't about that. You think rich ponies don't get gifts?"

>Just seems kinda pointless.

"Sugar Bean, think about it like this... okay, imagine that you're sittin' there with your girls on the line, and this reeeeal nice lookin' fellow with a big old stack of bits comes up, and outta that whole line, he looks at you and is like "You! Ya' got what I'm lookin' for and I don't want none o' those hoebags!" it's like that!"

>...

"..."

>Your life is oddly familiar to me as a changeling, and that is somehow depressing.

"No no no, it... look, there's a great big wide whole world out there, right?"

>Right?

"BUT! I bet there's only one changeling in that whole world your Ma' wants to make happy, isn't there?"

>....Huh.

"So sure, you're like "I got what I want and I don't need no more", but that don't matter to her. She ain't doin' it cause you need it, but cause she thinks you're special enough, follow?"

>.........Huh. I uh... see the point.

"And ya' want her to be happy too, right?"

>...Yeah, I guess I do?

"So lets go!"

>Yeah, sure... wow, you know a lot about this, were you and your mom close too?

"..."

>...

"....Oh look! Things! Let's go!"

>...crap.

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