plans

- build up stream again a little bit after break
- start vanilla hundo
- reset hundo until run is good and i am satisfied
- finish hundo

as some of you might be aware i failed my last hundo at 79 hours with every required card drop already obtained.  due to making a quick decision that was only required because of my poor living situation, i lost all of my progress, lost all of my motivation, and had no remaining time to restart and try again.  i then dropped from the hundo relay due to mental stress and dealing with a bunch more awful things at home that i couldn't deal with.  but i would have had to leave after the relay anyway because i was completely broke and wouldn't be able to afford expenses for the next month.

so i ran from home, slept in my car for almost a month, and after 3 weeks of working i quit yet another job because i couldn't handle it due to all the mental stress i deal with.  i was able to earn a bit of money in that time at least so i'm just going to come back here and stream as many days as possible and try to finish a hundo quickly so i can at least get that pain out of my mind from the previous attempt.  i really do think about that run every day and it was extremely painful to lose it.  doing this hundo is probably going to result in me being screwed in life even more than i already am but it is something i feel like i care about more than everything else.

so basically:
- i'm almost completely broke
- i have a living situation that i desperately need to get out of
- i do not leave my room and have some very unhealthy and disgusting habits
- i'm dealing with a lot of bad thoughts due to trouble with relationships and friendships
- i'm unable to work and hold a job due to all the mental and emotional stress
- i can't get any kind of good job that gets me enough money to improve my situation
- i'm hurt more inside by not being able to finish the past hundo as well as other failures

i'm going to stream as many days as possible and finish this stupid thing so that i can say i did it.  i really hope i can stay strong throughout it.  then once i am able to finish a vanilla hundo i have no future plans worked out yet and hopefully i will be able to keep being here and stream occasionally because i have a lot of things i would still like to do.  but nothing is immediately important other than hundo so that i can make up for past failures.  so i may not stream again after i finish it.  i have no idea.

if you do want to be able to have me stay streaming for longer you can donate or subscribe or support me financially.  i never ask for it because i would need an unreasonable amount and with how small my stream audience is i would never get close to that.  so by that measure it means giving me money is pointless.  i would need around $1000 a month just to break even and pay my expenses here.  and i definitely do not want to be at my current place.  i would need probably $2000 a month if i can get into my own apartment by myself later on. but if i want to get that apartment i need a significant amount of savings before then so let's say $3000 a month could get me on track toward being able to get my own place and support myself as soon as possible.  this is a completely unreasonable amount to get from anyone so this is why i never ask for any financial support.  but with how much money i actually need in order to do what i think will improve my life situation, i need to work way too much since i can't get any decent paying job that isn't awful.  which means no time for streaming or for anything really which means more mental stress since i'm unable to do the things i want.  i don't have any path out of this situation at all so it's safe to say the amount of time i will be able to still be here is limited.

don't really have anything positive to say, i'm just stuck in an inconvenient situation that i'm not strong enough to get out of.  i'm sorry if i act sad or annoyed or frustrated at times, i'm trying to be stronger but my mind gets the best of me most of the time.  if you're still here reading this and still watching me i really appreciate the support but please realize there's a good chance i won't be here for much longer and let's make the most of everything while we still can.

~ Syura