#arena: Poenas vs Flintbrow, Laoz vs Beetledung

09:14:11 <@B****> It looks like I already set up the fight between Poenas and Mr. Flintbrow, so they'll open up tonight's show.
09:14:18 <M****> u smell like the big poo
09:14:53  * j** rubs his hands together like a greedy poop hobo.
09:15:29  * M**** slides some lubricant between j**'s hands to make this process easier
09:15:52  * N******* gives both M**** and j** a tissue to clean up their mess.
09:16:09 <M****> We're going to need a lot more tissues.
09:17:05  * j** does a pre-fight show with his lubed hands and M**** to warm up the crowd.
09:17:30 <M****> j** is a professional gladiatorial show fluffer.
09:18:33 <M****> Quote of the week... two years ago.
09:19:03 <j**> It's been the Quote of the last ~104 weeks.

09:19:07 <@B****> Mr. Flintbrow rides into battle on an alligator against the Giant, Poenas.
09:20:22  * j** roars and beats his hands against the railing to encourage Poenas, spraying lube everywhere.
09:20:25 <@B****> The two competitors make their approach and the dwarf attempts to bite through the giant's copper armor. He is unsuccessful.
09:20:49 <@B****> Mr. Flintbrow's alligator begins to panic and tries to flee! The dwarf starts fucking screaming at him.
09:21:21 <j**> The alligator has the right idea! Nobody wants to fight Big Poenas!
09:22:06 <@B****> The alligator scurries away, taking the dwarf out of the arena towards the lava bridge. Poenas follows behind.
09:22:12 <j**> Oh, god.
09:22:33 <N*******> They're toast!
09:22:44 <N*******> Sorry.
09:22:55 <@B****> Mr. Flintbrow attacks the giant, who jumps away to dodge!...
09:23:05 <M****> dot dot dot.
09:23:06 <j**> (ノ'o`し)
09:23:29 <@B****> Poenas lands in the lava! The fucking dirty little dwarf rubs his hands together like a poop hobo. Did he plan this from the start?
09:23:42 <j**> (ノ'n`し)
09:24:13 <j**> Poenas can fucking take it! He's going to do it like in that Giant Mario video.
09:24:25 <V*****> Love is over.
09:25:01 <j**> (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoqwDAdGVFc)
09:25:14 <@B****> Mr. Flintbrow leans over and tries to take bites out of the burning giant.
09:25:51 <@B****> A mist of lava covers both competitors. The alligator scurries away to escape it.
09:26:39 <j**> That sick Dwarf is trying to eat him before he's properly cooked!
09:27:10 <@B****> As the smoke begins to clear... the crowd gasps. Mr. Flintbrow was killed by the lava mist.
09:27:17 <j**> Excellent!
09:27:34 <N*******> The giant needs to be healed.
09:27:35 <@B****> Arena officials struggle to remove Poenas from the lava.
09:34:17 <M****> Instructions unclear, stuck poenas in lava
09:34:51 <j**> Heh.
09:34:52 <@B****> A rock wall was hastily constructed for him to climb on to. Arena officials doused him with water as soon as he emerged, but it immediately turned to steam.
09:35:02 <j**> That's hardcore.
09:35:21 <@B****> His condition is declared stable.
09:35:27 <j**> [Rumour] His attacks now deal +5 fire damage.
09:37:39 <N*******> Hot beans.
09:37:53 <@B****> I put Poenas in his hotel, but in an unprecedented move he immediately climbed out to kill Mr. Flintbrow's alligator.
09:38:13 <M****> He's back for more!
09:38:21 <j**> LOL
09:38:23 <N*******> Such a blood knight.
09:38:45 <V*****> Sounds like he's got some roid rage to me.
09:38:45 <j**> Poenas is a giant who doesn't like to leave things unfinished. He wants to get his Nut.
09:40:06 <@B****> This is a much more lean and cut giant since the fight. The fat on most of his body was burned off in the fire.
09:40:30 <@B****> That might mean less protection against attacks, but maybe he has less pain receptors as well.
09:40:57 <N*******> He's become numb.
09:41:00 <V*****> https://jcarsonreviews.files.wordpress.com/2015/05/fewer.gif
09:41:03 <j**> Is it possible to enlist the services of a Necromancer?
09:41:22 <N*******> There is no way Babar can lose now. XD
09:41:32 <j**> It sounds like he's on his way to Giant Lichdom.
09:41:52 <@B****> You can buy him some health insurance for 15 ***Bucks.
09:42:10 <M****> *'UCKS
09:42:12 <j**> Still no word on what that FUCKING does?
09:42:22 <M****> I think I know what it does...
09:42:27  * B**** shrugs.
09:42:32 <M****> I will keep silent for 15 f'ucks.
09:42:35 <j**> What do you think, M****?
09:42:43 <M****> I will say what I think for 10 f'ucks
09:42:48 <j**> Hahha.

09:42:48 <@B****> It's time for the event you've all been waiting for.
09:42:59 <@B****> A battle two years in the making...
09:43:10 <M****> Has it been so long...
09:43:11 <N*******> No Half Life 3 jokes.
09:43:27 <M****> ...Literally no one here would make half like 3 references but you
09:43:30 <M****> >_>
09:43:51 <N*******> Yeah.
09:46:38 <@B****> Bets are still open for John Beetledung versus Laoz.
09:46:50 <@B****> M****, what are your thoughts going into this historic matchup?
09:47:38 <M****> "I can't remember anything about either of these guys"
09:47:43 <j**> Hahah.
09:48:40 <@B****> John Beetledung, the Original Superstar, is carrying an adamantine dagger.
09:48:52 <@B****> Laoz, the young Challenger, wields an adamantine sword.
09:48:52 <M****> Only the Best for Johnny boy.
09:49:14 <N*******> Let's see how this will go.
09:49:30 <@B****> But will it be enough? It seems the Booker is favoring Laoz for this fight.
09:49:39 <M****> He's just RACIST
09:50:06  * j** flashes several golden teeth at the camera as it briefly zooms in on him.
09:50:09 <@B****> Controversial opinions in the arena here tonight.
09:50:12 <N*******> For the love of god. I hope Laoz wins since I do not want Babar to become Champion.
09:50:19 <@B****> It looks like the match is ready to begin.
09:50:41 <@B****> Only one fighter will walk out of this arena the grand champion... fight!
09:50:52 <V*****> Go John! Stab the FUCK out of him!
09:51:11 <N*******> Laos needs to make it quick, clean, and easy.
09:51:18 <N*******> Laoz.
09:51:22 <M****> John needs to make it slow, messy, and hard.
09:51:30 <j**> Oh, my.
09:51:34 <M****> :)
09:51:51 <N*******> Seriously. I've got no ill feelings towards any of you. O.O

09:52:15 <@B****> John Beetledung begins this matchup with a cheeky pommel strike to the head. Some might say this would be the worst possible use of an adamantine dagger, but Beetledung is clearly playing a psychological game here.
09:52:33 <@B****> Laoz's helmet deflects the blow.
09:53:07  * j** chortles heartily, his thick, gaudy jewellery clinking.
09:53:10 <M****> John knows what he's dewing.
09:53:20 <@B****> The human comes in with a counter but the old goblin deflects with his dagger.
09:53:28 <M****> old.........
09:54:06 <N*******> Well shit. He'll die of old age and Babar becomes Champion by default if Laoz loses. O.O
09:54:18 <N*******> That's even worse.
09:54:18 <@B****> Goblins are immortal.
09:54:25 <M****> Why would Babar become champion if John is still alive, you freak
09:54:46 <N*******> Because he'll fight him next and tusk him. .-.
09:55:24 <j**> Don't worry: Poenas is coming 4 Babar, too.
09:55:30  * M**** screams from the stands, 'STAB HIS LEGS OFF!!!'
09:55:42 <@B****> Laoz stabs into John Beetledung's right gauntlet, drawing first blood as that adamantine blade cuts into the goblin's skin.
09:56:07 <M****> Fuck no
09:56:35 <@B****> John Beetledung is unfazed. He unleashes a powerful thrust with his dagger...
09:57:22 <@B****> John's dagger cuts cleanly through Laoz's iron helm and lodges itself in the human's skull! The crowd gasps!
09:57:29 <j**> Oh dear!
09:57:29 <M****> OH MY GOD
09:57:30 <N*******> Oh my.
09:57:40 <M****> How can he reach so high!
09:57:42 <N*******> Nice hit.
09:57:45 <M****> Look at those arms!
09:57:52 <@B****> ...THE HUMAN IS STILL UP!
09:58:02 <V*****> Oh my gooooooood!
09:58:06 <j**> It must have missed his brain!
09:58:48 <j**> (Not that brain injuries are necessarily fatal.)
09:58:50 <@B****> John Beetledung pulls his dagger out of the human's bleeding head. Never has he faced an opponent as determined as this...
09:59:38  * V***** starts humming "Determination".
10:00:15 <@B****> John lunges forward with another stab--this time slipping past Laoz's armor and lodging itself deep in his upper arm.
10:00:30 <M****> Oh God! Look at how Fast and Lithe and Supple that Goblin is!
10:00:43 <@B****> But while John struggles to pull out his blade, Laoz swings low...
10:01:10 <@B****> Laoz slices off the goblin's foot!
10:01:16 <N*******> Shit.
10:01:34 <j**> That's going to be hard to walk off!
10:01:46 <M****> It's fine, just keep stabbing, we'll buy you a crutch later!
10:02:04 <@B****> John Beetledung has never taken such a severe injury before. He has got to be feeling nervous now...
10:02:53 <M****> Or, you know, extreme pain
10:03:09 <@B****> John Beetledung stabs at the human's leg, trying to bring this fight to the ground.
10:04:10 <@B****> Laoz strikes again... this time hewing off the goblin's arm.
10:04:16 <@B****> John's buckler falls to the floor.
10:04:30 <@B****> Could this be the end?...
10:05:12 <@B****> John Beetledung cries out, "I've been injured badly... there is no hope!"
10:05:42 <j**> This music starts playing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wNyc-1-3uU
10:06:30 <@B****> As the human recovers from his heavy swing, the goblin thrusts his dagger into his exposed sword arm.
10:07:00 <@B****> The blade lodges itself deep in the human's arm... and he drops his sword!
10:07:00 <M****> j**: what the fuc
10:07:08 <M****> Yes! Take his sword!
10:07:09 <j**> Damn!
10:07:14 <N*******> Oh my.
10:07:20 <V*****> YES! YES!
10:07:44 <@B****> The crowd is silent as John Beetledung pulls out his dagger...
10:07:50 <@B****> And Laoz falls unconscious next to him.
10:08:30 <@B****> One last stab to the head finishes Laoz's career.

10:08:32 <M****> OhHhHh mY gOd
10:08:38 <N*******> Congrates.
10:08:46 <j**> The music changes to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZEKlp-H6FE
10:08:47 <V*****> Go John! Walk it off, buddy. Er --
10:10:00 <N*******> John can't get a crutch. He's lost an arm and a leg.
10:10:36 <@B****> The goblin has more pressing matters to worry about.
10:10:39 <@B****> https://i.imgur.com/nvlBH65.png
10:10:57 <@B****> The crowd cheers for their Grand Champion. But will he survive these gruesome wounds?
10:11:02 <V*****> D:
10:11:18 <N*******> !url https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y983TDjoglQ
10:11:19 <P******> Title: How Could This Happen To Me (with lyrics) [Duration: 03:20; Channel: Jozacharyia; Description: "I do not own this song, How Could This Happen to Me. This song belongs to Simple Plan."; .../watch?v=y983TDjoglQ]
10:11:33 <M****> Can I spend some F'Ucks to buy some Medical Attentions
10:12:43 <N*******> M****: Good match though.
10:12:58 <@B****> The only medical attention I can offer under the constraints of the game is Amputation.
10:13:16 <@B****> Or you can buy health insurance with your winnings from this match.
10:13:22 <N*******> You wouldn't want as it would make John practically useless.
10:13:34 <N*******> The amputation.
10:13:52 <@B****> j**: can you show me the equipment list I gave you?
10:14:57 <j**> B****: this one? https://pastebin.com/KRZKRaYp
10:16:52 <@B****> M****: you have 29 ***Bucks to spend on John Beetledung. If you wish, you can buy health insurance right now for 15 ***Bucks if you think he won't survive this.
10:17:14 <@B****> I mean life insurance. I think I called it life insurance.
10:17:44 <V*****> I'm pretty sure "bleeding to death" counts as a pre-existing condition.
10:17:48 <@B****> Hahahaha.
10:17:55 <@B****> The General Manager can pull some strings.
10:18:16 <M****> Very well. 15 Ftucks for health insurance. As well I would like an adamantine helm and a wooden crutch..........
10:18:31 <@B****> Very well.
10:18:43 <M****> Unless he can't use the dagger... I suppose
10:19:07 <N*******> He can do fine if he can dodge on the ground.
10:19:14 <N*******> His speed would be reduced.
10:20:00 <N*******> Like I said, congrats.
10:20:04 <M****> It is mY champion my decisions >:C
10:20:13 <@B****> He should be able to use a crutch, but he wouldn't be able to use the dagger along with it, no.
10:20:43 <V*****> By Azura! By Azura! By Azura! It's the Grand Champion!
10:20:49 <@B****> You could give him a crutch made out of a heavy metal to use as a weapon, if you desired.
10:21:28 <N*******> Babar will beat him despite me not wanting it to happen.
10:21:43 <M****> The problem is that he has no 'crutch' skill...
10:22:12 <@B****> M****: yes. To be honest, with his arm missing too, he's probably best off fighting from the Floor.
10:22:18 <@B****> As shameful as that is.
10:22:57 <N*******> He wouldn't be effective without that dagger.
10:23:05 <@B****> Arena officials declare John Beetledung's condition stable.