slimeberry

Selfish

Jul 19th, 2021 (edited)
61
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  1. >A sharp jolt brought you out of your sleep, trembling and on the verge of tears. The room was pitch black, and the only sound you could hear was your partner still sleeping soundly next to you.
  2. >Quick swipes of your phone confirmed your suspicions. 2:13 AM.
  3. >The nightmares were getting worse and more intense.
  4. >Blaming the pills was easy, but you knew years and years of trauma and abuse had caught up with you.
  5. >You were pathetic and miserable. Your smile was just a facade that always broke with enough time and pressure.
  6. >Venting, therapy, relationships, material things, alcoholism, substances.
  7. >While everything brought moments of clarity among the fog, you still returned to the void you wanted so hard to get away from.
  8. >You'd come close to overdosing several times before. Always backing away at the last minute or deciding to down your pain away with whatever other substance you had available.
  9. >And yet by all accounts you were better off than some. You had a life to look forward to, a shitty job that despite the stress paid the bills and allowed you to keep your addiction and hobbies going, You had people that definitely loved and cared about you, who would beg you to carry on and reconsider.
  10. >You were worth more than you thought, yet it mattered little to you.
  11. >The pain was just too much to bear. You just wanted a quick and easy escape. You were very, very selfish.
  12. >You just wanted to be her in the end.
  13. >She was everything you wanted to be. Charismatic, hopeful, sociable, carefree.
  14. >You loved the attention you received as her, to be released from the stress you had to deal with every day, receiving all the love and comfort you could ask for, feeling that sensation you missed since youth where life was so full of meaning and excitement.
  15. >And she was cuter than you in every way. Trotting with an smug and confident sway that seemed to care little about not being the same species anymore. Her fluffy raspberry mane gave Pinkie a run for her money. You envied the way she wore that white and gold collar with pride, the same one you had bought a long time ago for kinky shit that you felt so awkward to even dare attempting.
  16. >Often you wondered if she was really the same person as you.
  17. >You wished she took your place once and for all, since she was better at everything you always struggled with.
  18. >All it took was just two pills, laying inside the bottle on your nightstand.
  19. >Yet you still tried to find a reason not to give in.
  20. >The rational part of your mind always tried to convince you, reminding you of the situation you'd have to deal with if you went ahead with it.
  21. >There was a lot of stigma to those who had overdosed. Whether they were still persons in the eye of the law was still something held in contempt in your shithole country.
  22. >At least they couldn't take you away, you thought.
  23. >It would be difficult for the two of you to keep your lifestyle going with just half of the income, but worst case scenario you could at least make some money either as a therapy pet or selling pictures of your ponut for other thirsty degenerates to lust at.
  24. >Wouldn't be the first time you've done it either.
  25. >No normal person presented a desire to leave everything behind and just become a tiny cartoon horse to escape from their life. It was known to be a behaviour seen in addicts like you. Everyone would blame the pills. You wanted to blame the pills.
  26. >Then again normal people would probably end up just killing themselves if they were as miserable as you. At least you had another way out. Not everyone agreed with you if it was any better though.
  27. >You've burned so many bridges before, a few more didn't make any difference to you.
  28. >The only person, the only thing in this world that could make you reconsider in the end was your partner. But even they knew and understood your pain. Every time you laid your suffering bare to them felt awful. You just didn't want to leave them the burden of having to care for you while providing little in return.
  29. >It seemed that even your selfishness had its limits in the end.
  30. >You pondered for what seemed like hours in your bed, holding your love close while you fought your impulses once more.
  31. >Every night you thought back of that dream, the last time you had a comforting sleep in what seemed like ages. You just wished they would embrace you in their wings while you nuzzled in what seemed like an endless field of grass and flowers.
  32. >If only there was a way the two of you could escape away.
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