DEFINITIVE ZANDRONUM DML TIER LIST

Welcome to the ONLY source that is 100% based on facts and what I read on the back of cereal boxes, I've digested over the hundreds of years of my vast and overwhelming knowledge of DooM-physics and DooM-science to bring to you, you mindless puppet content consumer, a tier list of unimaginable proportions. I have my qualifications which allow me to be the epitomitizing source of all things DooM;

I have and am a Ph.D, Doctorate, Masters, Bachelors, A-Levels, GCD, Incorporated and Chartered in kicking *your* ass. But this tier list isn't about me... Infact I'm what you would rather go up against in comparison to these absolute KILLERS. What I will discuss today is the manic individuals that make you go to sleep everynight praying to your puny bronze class god "Thank you for not making me play against any of these players today... Thank you... Thank... You..." as you drift off into slumber and dream of electric soulspheres you pansy.
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WICKED SICK Tier: DoomJoshuaMAN
Main Positions: On top of your mom

This list is starting off right with the man that survives daily in the country where the battle for middle earth took place. This man is the ONLY man when people think of DooM, his calm and unnerving exterior is as strong as his supershotgun wielding skills. He can drop a fully soulsphered player from 2000 map units away, his ssg has a permanent acog attached to it because the shells know they better obey this beast of a player. If you need a one man wrecking crew, cleaning crew, building and structural crew and a maintenance crew to ensure your cushy victory is assured then get your head out of your ass and throw all of your money at DJ-EFFING-MAN.
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UNBELIEVABLE TALENT Tier: SouperZaku
Main Positions: Defense, better than the condom that broke and allowed you to exist

The hits keep on coming - Souper is next up to bat but merely by order and not in stature. This man's balls are so large they're considered the 8th wonder of the world. Every defender has wet dreams of one day being 1/10th the talent of Zaku... He embodies the spirit of the ancient roman spartans with his uncanny ability to hold off scores of the enemy team without so much as a single slip in his line. Defending his base has become such a childish game to him, he can immediately fortify any position with whatever weapon is selected... Even the chainsaw... Texas chainsaw massacre looks more like your grandmother stepping out to do some gardening compared to the sheer raw strength of SouperZaku.
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HOLY SHIT Tier: CUNT
Main Positions: Doesn't matter because he does them all better than you

On the day of Easter when Jesus Christ resurrects for the 1000th time, it is said that his first question he asks his disciples is - "Where be my flesh and blood? My son? CUNT?". A man born with the righteous fury of the heavens and the aim that would put even that bitch boy Icarus to shame arrives on the battlefield to show everyone just EXACTLY. How. It. Is. Done. When CUNT mids, he requires that his runner grab the flag and then jump onto his sprite so that it's easier for the runner to be carried back to the base, he just doesn't mess around. Teams are purely a means to an end to this beast as he marches back and forth across bases laying anyone to waste, absolutely nobody is safe from this divine retribution.
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DYNAMITE Tier: ♠Shazam♠
Main Positions: Soon as he's assigned a position, he's already won

Is he?... Is he noclipping?... No wait... He's just so fast the interpolation goes haywire and he warps in and out of reality! That's right folks, we've reached our star runner of today's show and he literally stumps physics and technological experts. In theory the only way to combat this man is to build a quantum computer that is capable of rendering his blinding speed, maybe then your feeble eyes can catch a glimpse as he carries your flag back to his base with only damage sustained from the rockets he uses to boost himself back. I assure you that he exists, and he is a terrifying thing to come up against in a dark server with no one else on the map. Don't even bother trying to fight back, just duck, cover yourself and hide quickly because ♠Shazam♠ will be putting you into the ground very shortly.
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ULTI- Uhm, What? Tier: Zakken
Main Positions: Fetal

Why is this guy on the list? He brings nothing to the table and yet here he is? Kind of a sad case this guy is... I almost feel bad being stacked up to the talent that's come before him... Poor dude has terrible luck with the ladies too, damn shame.

First Anna, bit of icymew oh and Emily

Remember Emily, Alan?

She told me all about your discussion on Skype and how tip-tip fedora m'lady you went on her, pulling out all the stops. Unfortunately for you, when you begged her to not wake me up and then also tell me about the conversations, she immediately did. At least you've earned your reputation as that one awkward and desperate Brazillian from DooM. Damn man. No one can eat shit like you can though!!

Mental health took a dive as well, Mobius really did a number on Zakken.

Zakken is strickened with paranoia and the need to exhert dominance where possible, can't let another Mobius drive him and his life no siree. Even if it means to alienate a large group at a time... At least he's efficient, folks.

Looks guys, mental health is a serious issue these days and when you see or experience it then you should seek help for it when possible. That's your PSA for this Tier list, don't end up like Zakken over here.

Tell you what though, if you need a DooM CTF league to be put on a train and ram that bitch right into 4 miles of thick concrete walls with absolutely NO survivors, Zakken has that market god-damn CORNERED and ready to supply for you!

If all else fails, use Zakken as a meat shield.

Fuck you Alan =D