Unbroken

“I just…I want to help.”
Uh-huh.
“Yeah, I don’t like seeing you like this.”
“I want you to be happy, you know?”
So you want to fix me, Hisao?
Wanna swoop in on your white charger and save the day?
Stop the nightmares, the phantom limb pains?
Restore what’s lost?
Well you can’t.
Nobody can.
Nobody will.
Look, I’m sorry.
I just…there’s these nightmares.
About the accident.
And I usually deal with them fine, because I can run.
Running clears my head like nothing else.
I don’t have to worry about anything while I’m running.
I just concentrate on breathing, on the rhythm of things.
It’s easier that way. Life’s easier that way.
Just keep moving forwards, you know? Nothing else matters, just getting around the next curve.
And then it’s the next curve, and the next, and the next, until I can’t go anymore or think anymore, or do anything but slowdown and walk until I catch my breath again.
After something like that, nothing else matters.
But I’ve been stuck in that goddamned wheelchair for too long. So, no outlet.
Today it just kinda boiled over a little.
“You could have talked to me about it, you know.”
“You didn’t have to go it alone.”
Yeah, I did. And I do.
“But why?”
“Why do you have to keep going through this alone?”
“Why can’t you just trust me enough to let me help you?”
Because, Hisao.
I’ve already had everything I knew ripped away from me once.
I don’t know what I’d do if it happened again.
So I can’t rely on you.
Or the nurse.
Or anyone else.
Just me.
That’s how it’s got to be.
“I…”
“Maybe I should go, for now.”
“I’ve got…stuff.”
Okay, Hisao.
Go take care of that stuff.
I’ll see you tomorrow.
“Hey, Emi…”
Yeah?
Hisao?
You were saying?
“…Nothing.”
“Never mind.”


That’s right, Hisao. Just fucking leave me. Leave when shit gets too real for you to deal with.

For me to deal with.

I’m used to it by now, I think. People coming and…and going in my life. I thought you would be different, Hisao. But I was wrong. You’re like all the others. You’re nothing special, Hisao! You only want me as a thing! You don’t care about me or how I feel! You’re nobody, Nakai! I made you into what you are out of PITY! Out of a favor!

And what did you do? You took me for a ride. It was fun, but that never mattered to you, did it? It was all about you, ALWAYS about you. You only feigned interest so I didn’t leave you. To see your prime fucktoy wasn’t down for the count. God help you if I got pregnant. You would have run so fast from me. You would have made the track team. You would have died in the process.

And you’d be happy you were dead! Far away from me as possible! JUST LIKE THEM! Just like Dad! He didn’t have to die, he chose to die. He stopped fighting. He stopped caring about me. He left it all behind. Just like everyone else did.

So why should I give myself to you when I know you’re going to take and leave? That’s all anyone ever does to me, is take. They take my dad, my legs, and you, you brazen bastard, you’re going for my heart. The one thing I’ll never let go of. You want to break me, don’t you, Hisao? Admit it, you want to make me cry!

But why? Why are you doing this? Did Rin put you up to this? The track captain? Did they all want to see me fall? To see Miss Fastest Thing on No legs finally lose?! It’s not like they ever liked me. Just appearances, an illusion, waiting to stab me in the back.

That has to be it. It must be their fault that you’re hurting me so, Hisao. I didn’t hurt you…ok, maybe twice, but those were accidents. Is this your payback? Their payback? Am I that much of a monster, that you have to break me like this? You won’t break me. You were never going to “fix” me and you’re never going to break me. I survived that crash, and dammit, I’ll survive you. I’m Emi Ibarazaki, the fastest thing on no legs! I can take on ANYTHING you throw at me and beat it! You hear me?! I might bleed or bruise, but you can’t stop me! You can’t hurt me, Hisao!

Not when I already hurt. It’s all the same hurt. The night terrors. The phantom pain. It’s all the same fucking pain. I’m immune to it, sort of. No, I’m not. But I know that pain and what it’s capable of. Hisao, you, you’re trying to hurt me inside. Deeper than I can go. But I won’t let you even come close. You won’t take my heart, my life away!

But…but I can take my own life away. These blades can be pretty sharp…No. I can’t think like that. I’m still alive, dammit, and I intend to fight for it! You said I could talk to you about it, but that’s not true. You don’t know the half of it. You can’t take my pain for me, Hisao, you can’t save me from my nightmares. Not like you could. It’s easier this way, Hisao. You’re trying to hurt me. To make me relive that night as if I’m not already. And for what? So I can be your perfect little waifu? Like I’m not good enough already for the Great and Powerful Hisao Q. Nakai? It was never about me. NEVER!

It wasn’t always like that, was it Hisao? You showed me, before you left, that maybe you were genuine. There was a moment where I thought you would bridge that gap, prove to me you were for real. But you didn’t. And you left. With my heart, and my hopes for an end to this nightmare.

You took it, didn’t you? My heart. It’s right here but it’s gone. You bastard. I thought I did everything right, but…I loved you. I knew I loved you, that’s why I needed you gone, so I could get my head together after you sent me spinning. It was too late, though, wasn’t it, Hisao? I admit it. You’ve beaten me. You broke me, Hisao. How can I let you fix what you haphazardly broke? Without my heart, I’m not me anymore.

I’m…not alive.

So then why am I still here? They’re just sitting there. Sharp, too, I bet. It wouldn’t take much. No one would find me, except Rin. And who would believe her? She’s Rin. She wouldn’t even know what the fuck was going on until I already rotted. It would be an end. No more nightmares. No more pain. No more tears. No more whispers about being a slut behind my back. It would all be over.
It’s kind of big and unwieldy, though. I don’t think I’d be able to do it right with these blades. They’d come and stop me and send me away somewhere. Somewhere where there’s no running. No Mom. No Nurse. No You, Hisao.

You. You’re what’s stopping me. You goddam asshole. You take away my heart and you take away my escape? How? You, you stop the hurt. You make me feel like a someone. Not just Miss Fastest Thing on No Legs. But a person. You, you made me whole, Hisao. I…I guess you did fix me, but didn’t. If you fixed me, this wouldn’t be happening. I would know what to do, what to feel.

I feel, though. I feel afraid of you, Hisao. If you could do that to me, what else could you do? Could you make life so unbearable for me, for my mom? That’s why I can’t let you in, Hisao. How can I trust you? How can I trust anyone? I’m older than you, but I’m as vulnerable inside as I was seven years ago. Why can’t you see, Hisao, that I’m scared? I want to know you aren’t here to kill me off. I want to know the fight is over. When I see you, I see my life, my future, hanging in the balance. I see a boy who could crush me on a whim. I can’t let you do that, Hisao. I can’t go on not knowing what’s going to happen.

I'm not broken, Hisao Nakai, and you're never.
Going.
To fix me.