Life & Streaming

If you care about me, even just slightly, I suggest reading this.


March/April, 2015

After 4 years of working my ass off to try and make it somewhere in the music industry, I had lost thousands of dollars, and I had lost friends. I was in a bad spot mentally and I was convinced I would be a failure, forced to work a job that would hinder my musical endeavors. I was depressed and losing motivation to practice. In fact, I started playing video games a lot more because it was the only way to stop my mind from thinking about very dark things. (This still happens to me to this day.) When I found Twitch, I knew it was going to help me. It was one the greatest thing I had ever experienced, and I could not get enough of it. The games, the personas, the gimmicks, the positivity, the real talk, the niche streams, and the general feeling that I got when I realized I fit in so well with so many communities. I was spending a lot of time on Twitch and I decided I should give streaming a shot.


June, 2016

A year later, I had already put in 2000 hours of streaming every day. Became a Twitch Partner, and ran Jet Set Radio at SGDQ. I was pushing myself very hard to accomplish all of this in a short amount of time, because I knew I could really make it on this platform. (Which is extremely hard, considering the content and hours that I stream. Hence me pushing myself so hard.) The feeling of success after so many years of making something I love my job, brought me true joy and happiness. It was something I had never felt, and it is exactly what kept me going so strong throughout 2016. I met amazing people at Twitchcon, who still inspire me to be the best that I can be. I was so motivated, striving to continue growing and providing good content every day of the week.

If only I knew what I was actually doing to myself at this point.


December, 2016

I am way underweight, my stress levels are peakin, stomach issues, breathing issues, not getting enough sleep or sleeping 10 hours, lazier than ever... after a year and a half, I realize my daily routine that made me so happy, is literally killing me.

When I got back home from AGDQ17 in January, I suffered from the first real panic attack I've ever had. It was odd. I didn't tell anyone. I forced myself to stream that night anyways.


March, 2017

Resident Evil 7 is out and the boys and I are going to WORK on this game. 300+ viewers, pushed all the way to 350 subs, tons of new people finding my channel. Things were going so well, but I was not doing what was needed to take care of myself. The "Killing Myself To Live" routine was still going strong. I was so obsessed, I didn't even listen to my owm family when they tried to help me. In April and May, I suffered other panic attacks and strange mental problems related to the "dark thoughts" I mentioned earlier. One of these panic attacks made me miss my flight to Californithon, and I STILL lied to everyone and told them it was because of traffic. (i'm sorry)


July, 2017

My healthy serving of success the past few months also came with a healthy serving of suffering. Friday The 13th came out and I was PUMPED! We pushed all the way to 420 subs, got new emotes, and streams were extremely fun. I got to SGDQ and had an amazing week with some of the most amazing people I've ever met. Yet, I come home and boom: another attack. I tried really hard to stay calm during this one but I simply had to see my parents. I was very cold and afraid and they comforted me. I told them I was just feeling ill, because I am a stubborn ass of a man.

Then I realize I've dropped 100+ subs the week I was gone. That's 1/4 of my sub count, gone. I was in shock at such a drop. It was saddening. So, as usual, I forced myself to stick to the stream and try to get back to where I left off before SGDQ. The more and more I streamed in July, the further the sub count would drop. It was exhausting. I felt like I was being taken for granted, to be quite honest. I stream more than some people who ARE full-time, financially stable, healthy, independent individuals. 3x MORE! Hell, I stream more than some of the biggest names on Twitch. So when I leave for a week to relax and see friends, it feels pretty crappy to come back to 100+ people cancelling their subs. (It's not even about the money, it's about my future, and the amount of people who unsubbed made me feel like I wasn't worth the one week wait.) Yet, I did the best I could to not let it affect my content, and I continued the grind.


Now

Despite my mental health being a bit better after July, it wasn't so long until I had another moment. As I called up a ride to take me to Smash The Record, I had the worst panic attack of my entire life. This time, I could not breathe properly for a while. I completely broke down, and I was alone. My chest was so heavy and my heart was racing. This was the moment where I realized I could not keep this information a secret anymore. My sister helped me out and I was able to recover over the course of the day.


I'm writing this up now to tell everyone what I should have said a long time ago. I am Maxy, and I am killing myself to live the life of a full-time streamer. I am putting Twitch, other people, and my subs, before my own personal health. I need help and I am going to take the necessary steps to leading a healthier life.

All I ask is that those of you who read this... I need you to be patient, and I need your support more than ever. I love you all very much, and trust me..  I'm not going anywhere.