Untitled, Chatper 1

>>34020190
>>34020627
(This is my first time writefagging. Sorry if you don't enjoy it.)

I sit rigid on the couch, knees touching and grabbed by my hands, in Twilight Sparkle's home. I'm not sitting like this out of need; the piles of books on either side of the couch are not crowding me. I'm anxious because of the reason I am here. I had been taking my usual /nightwalk/ around Ponyville, and it was much later than usual. With nopony around, I began to show my real emotions. Just my luck that Twi heard me crying outside her house, then pressured me inside.

"I-it really was just some dust in my eyes." Twilight Sparkle gives me a hurt, almost angry look. She moves the books to the right of me off the couch and sits down.

"Anon, you were crying too much for it to be dust. What's wrong?"

I stare at my trembling hands. Heat rushes to my face and my chest constricts. I can feel her hoof brush against my shoulder before resting on my back. I flinch at her warmth. The warmth disappears, and my eyes begin to water because I know I just hurt Twi.

She finds a spot on the cushion to put her hoof, "Please, tell me what's wrong. I'm your friend, Anon. I want to help you."

I really don't want to face her. I feel like shit for troubling her with my dumb problems. Wiping away my tears with my hoodie's gray sleeve, I think about what I'm going to say, and how I'll manage to say it with the burning scratch at the back of my throat. I don't want to start crying again.



My speech is stilted and filled with pauses as I catch sobs in my throat and beat them back, "I'm just a burden on everyone. That's what's wrong."

"That's not true at all! Everypony likes you. You're a great guy to be around."

"I can't do anything right. I fail at every job I take, and I always let everypony down. It doesn't matter what I do or how many times I try."

"You're great at plenty of things! Like..."

I lower my head as the pause transforms into silence, burying my face into my hands. Even Twi can't think of anything I've succeeded at. I tried baking cakes only to burn them, I was too weak to help out on the farm, I couldn't relax around the animals, which just made them anxious, I don't have a creative bone in my body... and I don't even want to think about when Rainbow Dash talked me into trying to become a personal trainer. And now I'm making one of my friends fix my problems for me. I'm the worst.

"Y-You're too hard on yourself, Anon. You just need to keep trying. You'll find something you can do eventually! Everypony has something they're good at."

"Yeah, every *pony.* That doesn't apply to humans. We don't get cutie marks. We don't get the luxury of knowing we're born to do something."

"We have to discover on our own what our cutie marks are, and that journey of self-discovery makes us who we are. I'm not just my talent, I'm Twilight Sparkle!"

"Do you know a single grown-up pony with a 'blank flank'?" I know humans and ponies are different. I know I'm being unfair. I know I'm being difficult, but I can't help myself.

"Actually, I have read about the Curious Case of-"

"I don't care, so stuff it. I'm not a pony. I'm a human!" I'm so frustrated. So impatient. She's just trying to help.



I meet her face for the first time, and the frown she has breaks my  heart. I'm garbage. "Twi, I didn't mean... Dammit. I'm leaving." I stand, staring at my shabby trainers. I don't trust myself to look her in the face again.

"Wait. Anon, may I say something?"

"..." I don't trust myself to speak, either. I nod.

"I'm going to find a solution. Please, be patient."

I walk towards the door and leave without saying anything. I run home, a small shed the residents built for me when I first came here, and curl up under the covers.

***

It's been several days since then. I've cooped myself up for most of that time, dreading the possibility of even going outside. I've barely eaten, and I have not showered at all. Just laid in bed and dug my head beneath the pillows every time there's a knock on my door. I let the letters pile up, and when I'm dumb enough to look at the slot they drop through, I can see envelopes with party balloons and rainbows on them. All of Ponyville must know I'm a wreck now. I was hiding it so well before. Guess it had to come out sooner or later.

Now the old cycle is going to repeat itself. Just like when I was home. People worry about me, and they try to help me, and I fuck it up, and they just keep trying, and I keep fucking up so I push them away so they stop wasting their  time on me, and they realize I'm a lost cause and do something worth their while instead. Like mowing the lawn, or clipping their toenails.

It's late at night when Twilight Sparkle pokes her snout through the mail slot, "Anon, I've found a solution! Come to my house, hurry!"

"..." I roll over on the bed and stare at the purple nose lifting the brass flap of the mail slot. My voice croaks when I talk, "I need a shower."

"That's fine, take all the time you need to get ready. But hurry!" The slot closes with a clatter. My stomach's forming knots as I dig old, but less smelly clothes out of the hamper and turn on the shower.




"... and this will all take place in the span of only a few hours!" Twi is beaming at me with hints of bags under her eyes between disorderly stacks of books that have, no doubt, all been read just because of me. My hair sticks to my forehead, stuck fast by a cold sweat. She's gone on for the past twenty minutes talking about a spell she found, but I haven't been able to concentrate on anything she's said. My ears prickle with blood pumping through them, blocking every other word she says.

"S-So, what's the spell again? You mentioned dreaming?"

"To put it basically," Twilight begins as she shuffles through floating notes, "I've read quite a lot about pony psychology, and I've deduced that what you need most is self-confidence. But, you're too anxious in the real world to relax long enough to build it. I've researched a spell that will put you into a deep sleep, and you will face your fears there. You'll also have your memories of all of your friends here to help you out and face them!"

"Magically-induced sleep? Isn't that really risky?" My thumb's been tearing apart my fingernails since the conversation began. I put one in my mouth when it starts to bleed. Twi's too wrapped up in her explanations to notice.

"It's the safest thing in the world! After all, it's just a dream. I have also researched a spell that is sure to wake you if you've been asleep too long."

"I don't know, Twi..."

"You said before you tried everything. Have you tried magic?"

"No, but..."

Twilight walks up to my side and puts her hoof on my knee, "I promise you, as your friend, that nothing will go wrong." She smiles.

"I-I... don't...," it's getting hard to breathe. Could this be it? Can a dream really fix all of my problems? Even if it's magic, it's just a dream. But it is magic, so maybe... "Okay. I'll try it."

Twi's smile grows, "Perfect! Lie down on the couch, and I'll begin the spell."




Reclined on the couch, my head elevated by the armrest, I close my eyes, knitting my fingers together over my stomach. Twi begins casting the spell. I feel a sudden fatigue wash over me, as if I had just ran a marathon, my legs and arms too heavy to move. I breathe out a groan, and before I know it, I awaken.

My sight is greeted by feathered cirrus stretched across a peach sky. The sun rises with the meadowlark's morning scales, pleasant and thin notes complimenting the swells of tall bluestem, their gentle rustle carried by a swift wind. Getting up to my feet, I recognize the meadow I'm in. It's where I first found myself in Equestria, and a quiet patch of peace for cloud-watching and contemplation in those rare moments I found myself alone with too much to think.

I'm not sure what I'm meant to do. The movements on the horizon are flocks of birds taking flight, and herds of deer walking the treeline of the meadow, dipping out of it to sample the grass that will be their morning meal. My feet begin walking as I retreat into my mind, wondering exactly what Twilight meant by having me 'face my fears' in a dream. Speaking of, since this is a dream, I should be able to control it, right? Flying would be cool.

I spread my arms out and imagine myself flying through the air as the pegasi do. I jump in place, then flap my arms. Do I need to get enough speed first? I begin to run through the grass, flapping my arms and hopping, trying to convince my dream that I can fly. Birds scatter as I run up a hill, the wind at my back fighting for supremacy of my hair with the air I push through as I crest the hill. The top is far more narrow than I thought it would be, and I pick up speed as I begin running, then falling, down the hill. I roll to a stop at the bottom, unscathed. I pinch myself; no pain. My chest heaves as I gasp for air. Is no pain a good thing? My muscles burn from running, but it's mild.

A shadow passes overhead.



"Um, excuse me, but... what were you running for?" The shadow hangs over me is one I recognize. Yellow fur, pink hair, and a timid voice. Fluttershy flies over me with a worried look, her right hoof to her mouth in a display of concern as she checks me out, but all she sees is dirt and grass stains from my tumble.

I stand, wiping the worst of it off my hoodie and jeans, "I was trying to fly."

"O-Oh... I-I didn't know you could fly." She alights from her flight, neck craned back to look me in the eyes, "I-I don't want to be rude, but, uhm, what..."

"I'm a human, not from around here. And, no, I can't fly. I was trying to because..." wait. Fluttershy is off, here. Isn't she supposed to be from my memories? She doesn't seem to recognize me, and her timid peeks at me are just like when we first met. Should I tell her this is a dream? If I do, will that make it harder for me to gain self-confidence? Maybe I should try to play it off as a joke. But I'm not funny, and this is her first impression of me, so maybe...

"Because...? Oh no, d-did you lose your wings? Are you trying to see if you can fly without them?" She walks around me, trying to find my 'wings.'

"No, I was just napping and wasn't fully awake yet, hah. Thought I was still dreaming." I turn as she rounds my back, my sudden movement making her jump.

"Ah! O-Oh, okay... w-well, you don't look hurt. H-Humans must be, uhm, tough, t-to not get hurt from a fall like that. M-My name is Fluttershy!" She squeezes her eyes shut as she forces out her name, her wings spreading. Her pose makes me think of a statue of a griffon, poised to leap.

"Hi, Fluttershy. I'm Anon." I scratch the back of my head. It feels really awkward to introduce yourself to someone you've known for months. "Nice to meetyou."

"L-Likewise." She bows her head and relaxes. "U-Uhm, since you're new to Ponyville, w-w-would you like me to s-sh-show you around?"



"Sure. I'd like that." I'm surprised. Fluttershy was a lot more timid around me before. Must be my memory making it this easy to talk with her. And, perhaps, my memories have changed Ponyville, too. Troubling her with a tour isn't too bad, and she did offer to do so first. But that's an offer under false pretense so maybe...

"O-Okay, then please follow me." Fluttershy begins flying over the plains eastward, towards Ponyville. Her altitude hangs around my head, and she keeps looking backwards at me as we walk. I wave to her. She blushes and keeps her head forward. "W-Why did you, um, decide to visit Ponyville? You must have come from very far away if you had to take a nap in the middle of a field..."

"I guess you could say I'm here to, er... find peace." I wince at my words. That sounded so corny, she's gonna laugh at me. It is Fluttershy, though. She might actually like it.

"Oooh... s-so you've had a h-hard life? Eep, s-sorry, I don't mean to pry." Shy speeds up, making me jog to keep pace with her.

"It's fine. I'm the one to blame for it. I just hope that coming here works." Maybe being a bit more open will help? It's just a dream, but the burning at the back of my throat is already starting. The pressure of my tear ducts pushes my eyeballs forward, and I close my eyes, concentrating on my breathing to calm down. "I'm going to work on it myself, so don't worry about me." Even if it is a dream, it still feels wrong to burden her with my problems. I'm here to learn self-confidence. How can I do that if other people start trying to fix my problems for me?

"O-Oh..." We travel in silence for a few minutes before she speaks again, "I-If you're too hard on yourself, i-it'll be hard to find peace, so... p-please, use me if you need anything, Anon."

"I appreciate the offer. I'll keep it in mind." Soon, we would be in Ponyville. I can already see the smoke from Mrs. Cake's bakery... wait, that's too much smoke. "A fire."



>>34028147
>>34028150

(Continuing)

I'm already ahead of Fluttershy, running up the hill blocking Ponyville from view. "F-Fire?" Shy squeaks as I rush by her. I stumble on the incline and climb the rest of the way. Fluttershy beats me to the top. She gasps and covers her mouth, shaking her head as she repeats to her self, "Oh no, oh no."

I grab clumps of grass to pull myself forward, and push off the ground where it levels off to stand on my feet. Ponyville lays a few hundred yards from the base of the hill, and I can hear the clamor even while upwind. The tower atop Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie Pie's home, is in flames. Her loft is coughing thick and black smoke that brings beating embers upon the thatch roofs of nearby homes. Pegasi are desperately shuffling dark rain clouds from roof to roof, wearing masks and goggles as they fly through the smoke to save homes around Sugarcube Corner. Lines of ponies are passing water-sloshed buckets to a team of pegasi lead by Rainbow Dash. They perform bombing runs, dumping water as they peel right past the tower, but it doesn't seem do be doing anything.

I turn sideways to descend the hill, the sides of my feet digging into the brush and dirt for grip, my right hand steadying against the hillside for support. "Fluttershy, hurry! We have to help them!"

"W-Wait, Anon!" Fluttershy blocks me from going further downhill, "I-It's too dangerous for you to go down there. T-The tower might fall over onto you, o-or you could inhale smoke and get sick! S-so, please s-stay here wh-while I go." She's giving me puppy-dog eyes. I understand her concern, but...

"No, Fluttershy, I have to help. I can't keep to the sidelines anymore." And it's for Pinkie Pie. A genuine friend. I flatten myself against the hill and push myself underneath her, then force myself upright into a run. I begin to lose my balance as I gain speed, and I flail my arms counter-clockwise, desperate to not waste time by falling down again.



Fluttershy keeps up with me, flying beyond my wild arms as she pleads, "A-Anon, p-please don't d-do anything rash. I don't want to see you get hurt."

"I'll be fine. Humans are tough, remember?" I jump over a rock in my way at the bottom of the hill, and break out into a sprint. Sugarcube Corner's fire is growing more intense, and the pegasi water-bombing it are starting to focus on drenching the downwind homes to keep the fire from spreading. The noise of everypony shouting drowns out Fluttershy's worrying, bucket lines calling out when they have water ready to go, pegasi coordinating on where to move the rain clouds, the omnipresent crackle of my friend's home burning to the ground. My heels jolt as I hit the cobblestone roads, looking for anywhere that I can be useful. The air stings my eyes, an acrid and cloying smell of sugar-glazed timber caught in a raging inferno coats my nasal passages all the way to the back of my throat. I cover my face with the hem of my hoodie, coughing too hard to run any longer.

I double over, hands on my knees as I go into a coughing fit. The other ponies in the market square cough, too. The smoke is spreading out as the fire travels down the loft to the roof of Sugarcube Corner. Buckets start getting dropped, precious water spilt over the street. Everypony is sweating. I take off my hoodie and drop it on the ground, but it's still too hot. Some begin shouting at the ones who dropped their buckets, while the leader of the bucket line, Twilight Sparkle, tries to keep everyone working. "Don't argue! Everypony's -cough- trying their best! Keep the water flowing!"

Right when I start for Twilight, somepony tugs on my belt from behind. "What the- Shy, please! Go help the other pegasi!" She's flapping her wings for extra strength, pulling me towards her with all her might.

"Yuu cahn't, A-Anon! Ish dangerish!"



"-cough- Flu- -cough- Fluttershy!" Twilight Sparkle sees us, "What are you doing? Rainbow Dash needs all the help she can get! We need more clouds for a rainstorm!" I look up at the tower. I can't even make it out from the flames anymore. It's a streak of rioting orange. It feels like the hair on my face is being burned off. I'm sweating hard. Mucus clogs my throat as I begin coughing again, disgusting phlegm rolling up my throat into a ball that I almost have to vomit out. What am I supposed to do? I look down at the yellow mare biting my belt. There are tears in her eyes from the smoke.

"I-I-I... I was... uhm, I'll be going now... if that's okay..." Taking Twilight's admonishment to heart, Fluttershy leaps into the air. She turns to look at me, "P-Please, Anon. Be safe," then flies out and into the sky, curving around the billowing smoke towards Cloudsdale.

Water isn't working. Everypony knows it isn't, but they're still using the bucket lines. What else can they do but wait for Cloudsdale to make enough rain clouds for a real storm? It doesn't matter if they help the bucket line or not. Sugarcube Corner's tower... Pinkie Pie's loft is gone. Everything. Her bed, her props. And the fire's spreading down as timbers inside crash through the floor, so even the bakery is going to be be badly damaged. It's a lost cause.

I sit down on the ground and shield my face from the heat with my hands. No, I'm hiding in my hands. Same thing I always do, whether reality or dream. I just run away from my problems because they're insurmountable. These ponies can't stop the fire any more than I can fix myself. Fuck.

The cracking of the timber finally stops the bucket brigade. "Everypony, please evacuate to outside of Ponyville! It's too dangerous to be near the fire any longer!" Twilight Sparkle orders the ponies on the ground, directing them to safety with a magically-projected purple arrow. I remain seated.



I watched the tower fall. I sat there when Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy helped the Wonderbolts push a giant stormcloud over Ponyville, and let myself become drenched by the pouring rain. Fluttershy spotted me and flew down next to me. I'm glad that the rain hid my tears. "Oh," I croak. "Hi."

Fluttershy's mane is matted down by rain. She pulls the hair covering her eyes behind her ear and frowns, "Y-You're going to get s-sick if you stay out here in the rain." The fire still burns behind her. The tower fell sideways, Pinkie Pie's loft breaking through the roof over the entrance. It looks like nopony was injured. That's good. "U-Uhm, Anon?" A hoof touches my shoulder, and I snap out of my reverie.

"Sorry." I'm not sure who that apology is meant for. I crane my neck back and let the rain wet my face, "I just... I wanted to help." It's painful for me to get to my feet. I don't deserve to stand. I should just lay down here and let the storm drown me, for all the good I've done. Even in my dream I can't do anything. I'd like to wake up now, Twilight. I'd really, really like to wake up.

"..." Fluttershy shakes her head, slowly. Beads of water rappel down her cheeks and strands of hair, and the motion shakes them off. Pinkie Pie is her friend, too. She must be feeling even worse than me. "Y-You need to dry off... I-I have, um, a house, s-so, if you'd like to... you know..."

She's shivering. If either of us are going to be getting sick, it's her. "Okay." I start walking in the direction of her house. Then I remember, and pause, "Which way...?"

She smiles to herself, "O-Oh, it's this w-way." She flies in front of me, looking back to make sure I haven't suddenly fallen over with a fever, or tripped in a puddle. You care too much about everypony, Fluttershy. Especially a loser like me.



When we walk past Sugarcube Corner, I hear hissing from inside the burning tower. It doesn't sound like the kind of hiss that water makes when it hits a campfire on a cool fall night. It's more like the noise a beardie makes when you get it upset. I remember a friend showing his off to me when I went to his birthday part, back in sophomore year. He would keep poking it until it hissed at him, to show the hiss off to me, and he was laughing right up until his finger got bit. The hissing grows louder. "Shy, do you hear that?" I stop and study the burning tower, barely able to see its smoking base over the edge of the roof.

"U-Uhm, d-do I hear what? The rain?" Her ears flick. She twists her head, scanning. She follows my gaze to Sugarcube Corner's burning, smoking crater in the roof.

"There's something hissing inside the tower." While I debate what to do in my head, my feet are already on their way to the door into Sugarcube Corner. The falling tower took the door off its hinges when it crashed through the roof of the customer area, and I can see flames licking the doorway only to retract from the rain carried in by the wind. I hook the bottom of the door with my heel and pull it open.

I'm face-to-face with a giant lizard. Its tomato red scales flicker and dance with blue flames, two eyes as large as my head twist in different directions, the hide around each cracked like old coal with white ash flaking off from the burning iris in the center. The jaw, as wide as its car-sized shovel-shaped head, opened wide, black smoke blowing out like diesel fumes. Its tongue lashed out at me, tying around my waist. The tongue's skin was mottled white, cracked and glowing just like its eyes. My hands shot out to grab ahold of something, anything to keep me from being eaten. I was too slow and cracked a nail from clawing at the door frame.



I scream for help. I scream my head off for help. I kick against the burning floor, punch the lizard in the tongue. It pulls me in fast. I go spread-eagle and catch its jaws, the synthetic rubber soles of my shoes melting against the lower jaw as the palms of my hands turn bright red pushing against the upper. The tongue has burned its way through my shirt, a rough and slimy inferno encircling me from my lower spine, around my kidneys, and squeezing down hard on my abdomen. The lizard is trying to pull me into its mouth to eat me, bending me until I break backwards, when my heels touch the tips of my fingernails.

I'm still screaming for help. But I'm not screaming in pain. I don't know if it's the adrenaline or the fact that I'm dreaming, but the pressure of being bent is more unpleasant than the blackening skin on my stomach. I'm somehow strong enough to keep the jaws open, but I can't do anything like this. It's taking my all just to keep the lizard's mouth open.

Fluttershy is in the doorway in seconds. It feels like it's taken her an hour to get here. "Shy! Do something!" I lock my joints, trembling all over as the lizard repeatedly loosens its jaw, then bites down hard. It's only a matter of time until I give in. "Hurry, hurry!"

"DON'T. HURT. MY. FRIEND!" Fluttershy flies hoof-first into the lizard's snout. It recoils, bringing its head inwards in pain. She shakes the smoke off of her hoof and hovers in front of its face, no doubt making it cross-eyed, and gives it The Stare, "Let Anon go."

The lizard hisses in response and releases me from its tongue's grasp. I fall out and crab-walk away as fast as I can, my hands and body covered with horrible burns. It then wraps its tongue around Shy and pulls her into its mouth. "FLUTTERSHY!"



It's difficult getting to my feet. My shoes are malformed, and bending my waist rips the skin. I ball my hands into fists and rush the lizard. He whips his head, slamming into my ribcage and sending me tumbling backwards. My fists scratch against the lizard's hide. I do nothing to it. I kick my shoes off before standing up. Something really bad is going to happen to Fluttershy if I don't get her out of there.

I'm having trouble breathing now. I feel pain, like I've been splashed with boiling water. It hurts, but it hurts much less than it should. I think I'm seriously injured. I stagger outside, leaning against the wall and scream, "HELP! FLUTTERSHY IS GOING TO DIE!" The rain is a downpour. The pegasi have been adding to the storm cloud darkening Ponyville's sky, trying to combat the lizard's unquenchable fire. I get some of their attention, "HELP!"

I use the wall to support myself. I look for anything that can help me. A stick, a brick, something to attack with. There's a mail box. I don't think I can pull it out. Maybe I could get the sign down and attack it with that. There are flower pots over there, that'd work. There are buckets scattered about, and a full trough of water with a pump next to the flower bed. That's it.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I stumble around like a drunk trying to pick up the bucket, and resort to pumping water with the crook of my elbow when I see just how badly my hands have been burned. With a full bucket, I lean against the wall, trampling the flower bed on my way back up the stairs. There are pegasi here, now. "Fluttershy's been eaten by a big fire lizard. I don't know what to do." Their words barely register as I haul the bucket of water to the lizard. I can't waste this water, so how do I get my best shot at this? If I rush it, it's going to knock me back again. I might be able to splash it. But Fluttershy needs something better than 'might'. I turn back to the pegasi outside, "I have a plan."



"Get buckets of water and pour them down the tower. Aim for the fire. That's where the lizard is. When it gets, I hope, distracted, I'm going to soak its face and get Fluttershy out." The pegasi look at me with incredulity, some with horror at my state. "HURRY UP!" I lurch back into the burning building. The floor is weakening. Timbers are breaking in half, and the lizard is growing larger. The flames on its scales are gushing out like a geyser. I can hear Fluttershy crying inside. Good. She's still alive. The pegasi should be dumping the water any second...

The lizard spasms. I try to run forward. The fire eats away at my feet. I'm so close. I raise the bucket. I move it in a hook-shaped thrust, and fall at the same time. Some of the water falls short, dousing the flames where my face meets wood. The lizard opens its mouth, hissing and thrashing, destroying everything left inside of Sugarcube Corner. Its tail rips through the walls, and its legs slam against the exhausted floor, making holes. I throw myself as I go down towards the lizard. My torso lands inside and my shoulders hit the lizard's teeth, tearing the last remnants of my shirt and drawing red lines down my chest. I see Fluttershy, and she's badly hurt. I crawl towards her.

I pull on the lizard's tongue, trying to free Fluttershy. Her coat is being burned off, and she's passed out from the pain. The tongue's grip weakens. I punch it, I pull and twist it, I fucking bite it. My animalistic rage frees Fluttershy, and I grab hold of her. I try to drag the both of us out of its mouth before I pass out.

I wake up in the Golden Oak Library. There's an intermittent breeze blowing against my cheek. I turn my head to see Twilight Sparkle's face sleeping right in front of me. Her head rests on an open book on the couch. It's difficult to read the book upside-down and backwards through my bleary eyes, but I can see magical diagrams and words like 'mindscape' and 'Servitor'.



I'm too exhausted to process anything. I replay the events from my dream over in my head. What had I accomplished? Fuck all. I probably died in that lizard's mouth, along with Fluttershy. That must be why I woke up. Was there a point to any of that? Was I supposed to have the power to alter the dream reality, or stop the fire? "What was I supposed to do?"

"Mmnnn..." Twi's eyes flutter open and meet mine. Her gaze lingers, pupils dilating as they adjust to the light. They swiftly contract as her eyes go wide and she realizes she fell asleep on the job. "Ah! You're awake." She stands up and trots around the book-covered table, closing the book she was sleeping on and taking it with her, "So, tell me everything that happened in your dream. I need to take meticulous notes on your progress. Princess Celestia is going to be thrilled!" She unfurls a scroll on the table and readies her ink and quill. She looks up at me brimming with high hopes for hearing how much progress I've made.

I close my eyes and sigh. It was still dark out when I woke up, and by the time I finished it was late morning. I rub my eyes and sigh again, long and low, any ego I had left deflated entirely. "I appreciate that you tried, Twilight, but this isn't going to work."

Twilight shakes her head, "No, no. Anon, you need to persevere. Just because it's magic doesn't mean it'll work right off the bat! These things take time." She sets her will back in the inkwell, coming back around the table to rub me on the shoulder, "Let's give it another chance tonight. You gave me a lot of... er, insightful information! This will be a big help." She wears a caring smile. I wish I could be so positive about this.

"I... guess I'll try one more time."

"Yay! You're not going to regret this, Anon. I promise."

"I hope so."

***

I coop myself up in my shed, replaying the dream over and over in my head. As long as Twi has faith, I'll do it, but I know I'll just be a disappointment.



>>34031911
>>34031916

(Continuing)

It's lunch time and I remain in my shed. I'm thankful I didn't run into anypony I knew leaving the Golden Oak Library. I've been staring at the ceiling for hours. The smoke lingers in my nose, and I see Fluttershy's burns every time I close my eyes. And no matter how many times I blink, no matter how much I blow my nose, I can't escape it. I wonder just how safe these dreams are after all.

My stomach rumbles. I already know there's nothing I can eat in the fridge. I let the produce spoil while I was being a sad sack of shit, and I'm not ready to go back outside just yet. I chew my mangled fingernails. I learned that's a good way to get my body to think I'm eating. I get up and cup my hands at the sink, slurping from them when they fill. Water helps trick my stomach, too.

I turn the faucet off and lean against the sink, rapping my fingers against the cool steel basin. Does Twilight have any control over my dreams? Was it the fire or the lizard one of my fears I was supposed to face? Was the numbness to pain supposed to help me? Was I meant to go in and drag the lizard out myself? Maybe I wasted too much time trying to fly when I should have been running to Ponyville. Not that I could've possibly known there was a fire there before the dream...

I turn the water on again and splash my face. Gotta do something else. Mail. I dry off, lay the towel over the faucet, and pick up the thick stacks of envelopes and folded pieces of paper that've gathered at the foot of my door. I sit on my bed and sort through them, making piles of letters for ponies that've sent me multiple letters. I work through the letters from acquaintances and friends of friends first.



They all read the same. Generic well-wishing, encouraging hope in spite of my failures for a better future, tripe. No, they mean well. I shouldn't be thinking such bitter thoughts. But my skin crawls when they tell me to be myself, to just keep trying. Do they think I haven't been trying that? Do they think they're actually helping me? I didn't ask for their fucking advice.

I uncrumple the letter I crushed and smooth it out against the headboard. I put it in the pile with the rest of them. Now I'm left with letters from the mane six. The ones that've gotten closest to me during the months I've been here, despite my reservedness. None from Twi, one each from Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy, and three from Pinkie Pie. Must be party invitations. I start with Applejack's envelope, a Christmas fragrance of fruit pie and cinnamon filling the air when I unfold the letter. I wasn't expecting that. Maybe Rarity gave her the idea?

>Hey sugarcube, I want ya to know yer a real special colt ta me, even if'n ya don't think of yerself that way. Ya may be a lil' slow at buckin' compared to us Apples, but I appreciate yer help around the farm. Them hands o' yers are real handy to have for a mare like m'self. Yer too hard on yerself fer yer own good, Anon. I wish ya realized ya got just as much ta offer as anypony else.

Hands? That's what makes me special? Every unicorn had those, and they were stronger and more versatile than mine could ever hope to be. I put the letter back in the envelope and move to Dash's.



>Anon! Quit lying around and feeling sorry for yourself. You've got more than you know goin' for you. You're always there for a mare whenever she needs it, and that's sayin' a heck of a lot more than you think! Remember when you distracted me by bein' such a lousy trainer and I crashed into that tree and my wing got banged up? I was fine, really, but you went through all the hassle of takin' me down to Nurse Redheart to make sure my wings were in perfect condition for flying! So stop your pity party and come on out. It's great weather for flying, and I need someone to witness me breaking records.

I was just doing what anypony would do, human or not. It was even my fault. You're really reaching far for this, Dash. Did Fluttershy force you to write me a letter? She didn't proof-read it, though. That tells you a lot right there. At least you're honest about what I am, Dash. An incompetent. That's refreshing. Rarity's up next. Are these real gems on the cover?

>Darling, you simply must come out of there and chit-chat with me. I'll have you blooming like Sweet Apple Acres before you know it! Oh, and I could use your help with some cleaning up around the house. My basement could use a very thorough dusting, and your hands would be a great help with some interior decoration I've been meaning to do for quite some time now. Afterwards, we'll have ourselves tea and biscuits. You're more desirable than you think. Ciao!

Hands again. Ponies seriously overestimate my manual dexterity. I'm also not surprised Rarity thinks her wanting me to do menial labor for her is supposed to cheer me up. I guess that's the only thing she could think of that I'd be able to do.



I stare at Fluttershy's envelope. It has a hand... mouth-drawn finch singing notes in the lower-left corner. Looks like it's the opening notes from the music cartoons always played during a beautiful morning. Fluttershy enjoyed it when I whistled half-remembered human tunes for her, and she would compose her own versions of them. I wish she wouldn't thank me so much for being able to whistle someone else's music for her. I didn't have any part in making it. I was just the CD that stored the music.

I don't want to read her letter. She's so kind that I know it's going to feel like a knife being twisted in my stomach and dragged lengthwise up to my heart. She's so earnest. I already feel like I should just lay down and rot for worrying her. I put her letter to the side and look at the stack Pinkie Pie sent me.

Sure enough, two of them are party invitations, dated on the second and third days of my seclusion. I rub my temples. I think about the streamers and signs that she must've hung, the cake and cookies she prepared drying out and going stale as the clock ticks towards midnight without me showing up. The apples I was meant to bob for growing nasty in the stagnant tub. Sitting there and waiting for me to show up so she could yell surprise and come out of my pants-leg or some other crazy place like she always did whenever I showed up. And my absence at this party to cheer me up had to happen not once, but twice. My heart clamps down, refusing to pump enough oxygen to my body. Breathing becomes difficult the longer I ruminate. I pick up her third letter and read it, force my brain to pay attention to something else.



>N~ONN~Y~~~! You need need NEED some cheering up, pronto! Don't worry, the Ponyville Party Professional, Pinkie Pie, is planning the best, happiest, funnest personal party for her favoritest person plopped on the planet! There'll be cake and ice cream and cupcakes and balloons and streamers and your PFF!! There'll be a ton of fun games and trivia about you, and I'm going to perform my newest musical masterpiece, 'Nonber One! I'll be super duper sad if you don't come!

I flop down on the bed, not caring about the crinkling coming from beneath me. At least being sick to my stomach masks the hunger. I roll over and stare at the wall. Seeing dream-Sugarcube Corner burning down was less painful than reading that. Hell, that letter might be hurting me more than seeing Dreamshy getting burned. At least I know Dreamshy is a dream. She's not real. Pinkie, the Pinkie that wrote this letter, is.

I wish I could erase myself from everypony's memories and fade away. A knocking on the door interrupts the sweet air the thought of oblivion breathes into me. I hold my breath and listen for a clue as to who it is. "Nonny?" Nope. I'm not answering the door for her. I can't. I've already ignored her for three days. It's too painful. She'll stop knocking and learn to let go.

The knocking persists, "Nonny~! I know you're in there. I saw you leave Twilight's house this morning! You haven't come out all day! I brought you lunch!" Please stop. Please go away. Just leave me alone. You have no idea how much stress you're putting me under. I'm going to vomit. I'm seriously going to puke. My thumbnail squirts as an incisor breaks the nail. The copper blood coats my mouth. "A-ha! I knew you were in here!" Pinkie Pie's voice suddenly sounds a lot less muffled. I roll over and see her squeezing in through the mail slot. This fucking pony.



The puffy pink pony wriggles her butt into my shed, holding a basket by the handle in her mouth. She hops over to my bedside desk and lays the basket down, tugging the checkered cloth atop it off with a flourish. Freshly baked fist-sized oatmeal-raisin muffins, half a baker's dozen. Is it six, or seven in there? The geometry of the arrangement is messing with my head. Pinkie grabs one and stuffs it into my mouth, settling my non-euclidean dilemma and my hunger in one motion, "Eat up, Nonny! You're practically skin and bones!" She pulls on her face, stretching the skin over the contours of her skull, an imitation of my gaunt cheeks. My hunger forces me to eat the dense, sweet muffin in record time. Pinkie giggles at my piggish display, "So, so, so? Good, right? Great? Best muffin you've ever had?"

I nod with muffin-stuffed cheeks. Pinkie squeals, "Great! You know, Nonny, I was getting super duper worried when you hid from everypony like that. I almost thought that you didn't want to be friends with me anymore!" She jumps onto my bed, "But of course that would never happen. Nonny and I are like crow's feet and pie!" Her incredibly elastic body wraps her forelimbs around me in a powerful hug. She relents when I start coughing.

"-cough- Pinkie, I'm -cough- I appreciate your concern." Her smile widens, "But I'd... I'm going through a difficult time, so I would like to be alone." Her smile shrinks.

"Nonny, you can't be serious! You haven't eaten," she sniffs my sleeve and covers her nose, "haven't showered," and throws the pile of letters up into the air like confetti, "and haven't been reading your mail at all! Pinkie Pie is gonna stay with you until you're better, and that's a Pinkie Promise!"

I grimace, "I appreciate it, I really do, Pinkie, but I can't-"



"Why not!?" Her snout touches tips with my nose. I lean back, and her neck stretches to follow, "You don't tell anypony anything, don't answer our letters, and starve yourself! I'm going to stay right here and make sure my bestest person friend is gonna be able to go to Twilight every night until you're better!" Her neck retracts and I'm left lying down on my pillow. I stay there and sigh, "And when I don't get better?" I ask.

"Don't be a Derby Downer, Nonny! You're sure to get better with Twi and The Pie on the case!" Her tail swishes happily from side to side, "Now, we need to clean you up and get you outside! Shower, get dressed, brush your hair, comb your teeth, and let's get this show on the road!"

***

Pinkie Pie wouldn't take no for an answer. She bounced around my home and turned the small, dingy shed into a Hallmark gift shop, because I would "be more positive" if I lived somewhere positive. The fresh paint, balloons, and party pony pattern wallpaper running around my two-room abode is so visually loud I'm afraid that I'm going to have to sleep outside. "I don't really like having my home being completely different after I step out of the shower, you know. And couldn't you wait until I was out of the bathroom to renovate?"

Pinkie Pie shakes her head, bouncing alongside me as we go 'out', although she refuses to tell me where. "I haven't seen you in three days, Nonny! This mare's got a lot of fun to catch up on. I can't waste time waiting around when I've got so much work to do for you!" She's in awfully high spirits for someone who was completely ignored for half a week.

"Why did you want to see me?"

"What a silly question! Everypony wants to see you. You're our friend!"

"You're going pretty far for a 'friend'."

"You haven't seen half of how far I can go for a friend!" She bumps her flank into my legs, "Besides, that's what friends do! They look out for each other."

"What do you see in me?"



We stand at the edge of the field where I first came to Equestria, just on the outskirts of Ponyville. Pinkie Pie rubs a hind hoof in the dirt behind her, "I see a lot in you, Nonny. You're a really good friend, are super-duper interesting to talk to, and you always laugh at my jokes! What more could a party pony ask for?"

I frown, "I don't feel like any of that's really... noteworthy. I just do what anyone else would do. If any other human had showed up here, they'd have the same knowledge as me. And I laugh at all your jokes because you're a great comedian. None of that has anything to do with me."

"If some other human came along, they wouldn't be a Nonny! And a Nonny laughing at my jokes isn't anything like another pony!" Pinkie Pie gives me a pat on the outer side of my thigh, "You always know just how to set up my jokes, too! Not everypony can be the straight colt to my funny filly!"

I frown again, "... That's what I mean by not 'noteworthy'. I don't have anything I can do that somepony else can't. I'm still living on Celestia's good will because I'm useless at any job I do. Remember when I nearly set Sugarcube Corner on fi-" Oh. Is that it? Was that what the dream was about? But what was with the lizard?

Pinkie Pie interrupted me right as my own train of thought ran off the tracks, "Nonny, you're a super duper friend. All of those little pieces add up into one big you!" She stands on her hind legs and spreads her fores out wide, confetti and streamers appearing from nowhere and showering my unamused face. I pick some colored paper off of my shirt.

"It doesn't feel that way to me. I feel like I don't have a place here in Ponyville. Or anywhere, for that matter."

"You can't go!"

"Huh?"

"Nonny, you're not going to leave Ponyville, are you?"

"N-No, I'm just saying that I don't feel like I-"



A hoof is placed over my mouth by a very stretchy pink leg, "You belong with your friends more than anywhere else! Everypony belongs with their friends."

I move her hoof away, "I'm saying I don't feel like we should be-" but it comes right back, smooshing my lower lip up until it touches my nose.

"Nonny, you're being a giant goofy goober right now."

"..." I wait for her to remove her hoof. Her stare has hardened, narrowed blue eyes searching mine. We stand like that for a long time before she removes her hoof. I sit down and look out over the fields, the familiar bluestem swells fleetingly darkened by cotton-ball clouds pushing across the sky. Pinkie Pie sits besides me, and in a remarkably rare display of self-control, stays there, quiet, until I feel ready to speak.

"I don't know if I buy it," I start. I can feel Pinkie giving me the stink eye, and a sideways glance confirms the severity of it. I continue, "but I'll be quiet about it for now. And I'm going to keep working with Twilight until I can buy it." That I deserve friends.

Pinkie Pie leans across my lap, drawing her left hoof across her fluffy chest, "Cross my heart, hope to fly..."

"... stick a cupcake in my eye." I cover my right eye.

Pinkie Pie wriggles her back against my legs, giggling, "It's a Pinkie Promise! No going back now, Nonny!"

"Yeah." No going back now. I'll go back to my shed and start planning for the dream tonight. But Pinkie and I can stay out here a while longer.