Thread 21: Stories 31-45

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Chrysalis
"Applejack"
'77'
{Cheerilee}
~~~~

>...GASP!

"If ya'll don't stop doin' that every few minutes, Ah'ma have ta' deck you one."

>First off, this is a very harrowing tale, filled with many a dramatic twist and turn. Gleaming Shield's affair with the Empress is getting very... intense.

{Right!?}

"..."

{...It's pretty good.}

>Second, go ahead and try, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't actually feel it.

"Ya' felt it from 32."

>...Yep. Guess you're right. Guy must've figured out a way to do more damage to a Changeling than expected. Guess I'll just have to be more careful in the future, no? Can't have anyone else learning our weakpoints.

"Guess Ah' could just go ask him."

>Hey, apparently he's Twilight's prisoner now, you can do whatever you want with the guy. Feel free to go chat him up as much as you want, not that you would need my permission for that, right?

{...Sweetie, are they always... like this?}

'I don't know, I don't get to watch them interact all that often. This is fairly enlightening.'

>Anything else? Because I want to get back to-OH BULLSHIT!

"What now?"

>TITANIA WAS NOT SOME POOR TORTURED SOUL! SHE WAS A BITCH!

'Titania was a real Changeling?'

>What? Yes! Of course she was real! She was the one who killed Milipeeda and her sister!

{He put a disclaimer at the bottom.}

>...And why the hell does she have Chitania's growth powers? Hers was that fuckin armor thing...

"Did he know about her?"

>Well, no, but still-

"Well, maybe ya'll should tell him, eh?"

>Are you insane!? He'd tell...

"..."

>...Plplplplp....

"Mature."

>...Not mad he killed her off, though, just that he made it so self-sacrificing. I was happy when she died. She was a bitch.

"Is there any one who WASN'T a bitch? Pretty sure they're all terrible."

>TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER LIKE THAT AGAIN, I DARE YOU!

"...Fine, no takin' pot-shots at the folks."

>GOOD!

'Out of curiosity, how did she die?'

>... made another Queen mad, let's just say. Pissed off the wroooong au-... er, Queen.

{Are you okay? You're going a little glassy eyed.}

>Yeah... I'm fine.

{'"..."'}

>..So, how much longer do you think it'll be till they get out?

"...Guess it don't matter. When they do..."

Playfully, 77 tossed his bone knife into the air, and deftly caught it.

'We'll be waiting.'

>...GASP!

"AH' WILL END YOU!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Spike
"Blueblood"
'Rarity'
~Rekulk~
~~~~~

>...So, first they lure in the prey with that glowy tail thing, then they snap it up and digest it by shoving it inside their blobby heads... huh...

"What are you doing?"

>Documenting. I promised Twilight I'd take notes about what's down here, so I'm sketching as well as I can...

"..."

>...Yeah, kind of sucks.

'Oh darling, why didn't you say so? Let me do this, I'm far better suited for the magic of artwork. Just handle all of the notes.'

>...Wow, that is pretty accurate.

'Well, if one wants to learn to design something as complicated as a dress, she must know how to put her mind to paper.'

"Pfft, complicated."

'Yes, you uneducated twit. Complicated. It means to be more complex than the little blocks you stacked together in highschool.'

"I will have you know I was an amazing student in Celestia's school for gifted unicorns!"

'Oh of course, I so do believe you didn't just coast through that schooling.'

"My business sense funded an entire robot invasion with not a single bit from my previous bank account nor help from Mumsie or Daddums, thank you!"

'Oh really, I'm just soooo impressed.'

>Will you shut up, Blueblood? I'm trying to watch how it moves from-oh dear sweet Celestia's mom that is disgusting.

"UGH! Is it using it's...'

~Hah ha! Indeed friend! The jigglingsnapper has only a single limb left to move! To my shame, I admit I cannot pull off the same feat, but that has never been a problem for my mates, eh?~

"...W-... why are you doing that at me?"

~...Are you not female?~

"...NO!"

~...My confusion to your species deepens.~

>...PFFFTHAHAHAHAH!

'O-OH MY GOODNESSSHAHAHAAHHAHA!'

"Stop it!"

>I-I C-CAN'T BREEEAAAATHAHAHAHA!

'Make it STOOOOPPPP!HAHAHAHAHAH!'

~...I am good with the jokes?~

>'AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!'

~....Huzzah!~
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>AJ10
"Fanfic changeling"
{BBB}
~~~~

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO!?"

>Uhhh... BBB? How many ways can I mean that?

{BZZZT! PROCESSING!.... PROCESSING!.... POSSIBLE MEANINGS OF PHRASE: 1! IN THE NEGATIVE SENSE TO HIS INQUIRY!}

>See that? Most camera ponies freak out if you ask them where the bathroom is, but not my guy! My guy is awesome!

"But... I need the exposure!"

>Sorry, it's just I try to only include facts with my paper, I don't publish fiction. Gotta know how it is and not just how they think it is!

"..."

>...Me and BBB are brainstormin' slogans, we're workin' on it. It's slow goin', though. Slogan making is not BBB's strong suit.

{BZZT! RANDOMIZER PROGRAM PROVED INEFFICIENT!}

>It did. We kept commin' up with stuff like 'purple things poo in far niceties.' Not really eye catchin', ya' know?

"But... my work needs to be seen! It's my master stroke!"

>Reviews on ya' are actually pretty mixed...

"BAH! The nay sayers just do not understand my brilliance!"

>Okay, the fedora's makin' more sense now. But sorry, ponies and Changelings and Gryphons and Buffalos and Saddle Arabians come ta' me for facts, hard hitting no fluffing facts! And that's what I deliver everyday!

"Fine! Your loss! I'll have you know you're missing out on something beloved by OUR QUEEN!"

>...Isn't she also a big fan of 'Romantical 2, this time it's romantic'?

"...BAH I SAY! BAAAAH!"

>...BBB, what do ya' make of that?

{BZZT, ERROR! REFERENCES SHOW CHANGELINGS CANNOT GROW BEARDS ON THEIR LOWER NECKS!}

>Yeah, that confused me too.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Shining Armor
"Cadence"
'Discord'
~~~
"WHAT BULLSHIT IS THIS?!"

>Honey, what's wrong?

"The latest issue of Power Ponies!"

>Honey, I thought we agreed not to read that anymore...

"I know but... Argh! Luminous Shield RAPED Masked Matterhorn! That's just! I WANT TO KNOW WHO WRITES THIS CRAP?!"

Meanwhile...

'Hmmm... My Fluttershy senses are tingly. She needs me... Welp, better just send this draft off to the editor then and... Viola! Issue 56 is complete!'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Celestia
"Applejack"
'Chrysalis'
[77]
-42-
~various changelings~
~~~
"Howdy, Princess!"

>Hey, how's the vigil going?

'Intense! Gleaming Shield and the Empress are having second thoughts because it turns out they also both love Cadenza as well! Got my hooves crossed for a threesome ending.'

-It better, the author's been hinting since Chapter 1-

[42, a thought I just had... If I'm here... and you're here... And our queen is here?]

"... Who's watchin' tha changelin's?"

Silence...

['-OH SHIT!-']

Meanwhile...

~today is a historic moment for our people that will do our queen proud! Today we have collected enough gunpowder to launch ourselves into space, and the hive shall spread out amongst the stars!~

~~~~~YEAH!!!~~~~~

+This old trick? You guys know this has been done before right?+

~Buffalo shit, there's no way anyone else could collect this much gunpowder!~

+No really, it's been done. I was there, changelings flew past the moon, we all had a good laugh afterwards, or at least, one of me did.+

~Well that's just great, now what are we going to do with 15 tons of gunpowder?~

+Seasoning?+

~Nah, it gives you major gas, like the blowing holes in walls kind of gas.~

+Pity, i guess you could dump it in a hole somewhere and hope nobody notices.+

+Oh, before i forget, you have about 2.3 minutes before 42 comes through the door and see's the giant pile of black powder in the middle of the room, toodles!+

~OH FUCK SHE'S GOING TO KILL US!~

~WORSE, SHE'LL REMEMBER SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING US DO DRILLS THIS WHOLE TIME!~

~I'M TOO LAZY FOR THAT!~

~Wait! I have an idea, numbers 14 through 20, unroll that giant rug that's conveniently leaning against the wall!~

>2.5 minutes later

-So let me get this straight, you guys went out, bought a giant lumpy rug for the ballroom and decided to sit on it in silence for hours?

~Yep!~
~Sure let's go with that.~
~Totally~
~Would we lie to you oh mistress of pain?~
~Perish the thought!~
~Such heresy!~
~Such a 'ling is no brother of mine!~
~Ahem~
~Or sister?~
~Thank you.~

-I cant decide whether you lot need to stay inside or get out more-
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Pinkie
"Applejack"
'Chrysalis'
[77]
{Cheerilee}
~~~~

>Special delivery!

"Awww, Pinkie. Ya' didn't have ta' bring us cakes."

'I heartily disagree-OW!'

>NO! You get these ones!

'But... Those are the small ones!'

>Exactly!

'...I will laser blast you.'

>Hah! Go ahead! I'll just warp reality and then be totally fi-

*THOOM!*

*CRACK!*

'...HOLY SHIT!'

"PINKIE!"

[Majesty why!?]

{She was just bringing cakes!}

'She said she'd be fine! You all heard her!'

"She didn't actually mean shoot her in the face!"

'She specifically said go ahead!'

"IT'S AN EXPRESSION!"

'An expression that means 'do it'! SPECIFICALLY THAT!'

"Pinkie!? Speak ta' me!"

>...I-...I kind of brought that on myself... f-first rule of comedy... d-don't... tempt... fa....

"PINKIE!? PINKIE NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

'...'

"PUT THAT CAKE BACK!"

'No.'

"YES! THAT ONE'S MINE!"

'I don't see your name on it in a language I recognize as official, and I insist that those three apples resembling your cutie mark is merely a coincidence.'

"..."

'...FIIIINE.'

"Thank you."

'You worried about your friend?'

"Nah, she'll be fine in the next few seconds. Better eat this before she gives tries ta' take my cake ta' feel better....HRK!"

*THUMP!*

'ACK!'

>Ooooh, what happen-APPLEJACK!? OH NO! CHRYSALIS DIDN'T EAT YOUR CAKE!? OH NO! NO NO NO NO NO! THE WHOLE PLAN IS FALLING APART! IT'S A SNAFU! THIS WHOLE OPERATION IS BLOWN! CHEERILEE, WE GOTTA CHEESE IT! GET IN THE CART!

{HOOF IT!}

*SLAM!*

[...W-what just happened?]

'...I have no idea.... you gonna eat the rest of that?'

"HRKL!"

'...I'll take that as a no.'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>SA
"Cadence"
~~~~~

>...

"..."

>...It's quiet...

"...Too quiet..."

>...Chrysalis still in Canterlot?

"Yes. 42 is too."

>...2's in kindergarten...

"...18 is still in her office..."

>...Mane-iac is over in Canterlot too...

"...Can we have-"

>NO! DON'T SAY IT! Hold up... I need to pull a Pinkie on this one... A-hem... BOY! SURE IS TOO BAD THAT EVERYONE IS OVER THERE, AWAY FROM US! WE SURE AREN'T ALL THAT INTERESTING ON OUR OWN, BETTER CUT BACK TO THEM!

"...Dear, what are you doing-"

>SHHH!... YEP! NOTHING INTERESTING HERE, IN THE CRYSTAL EMPIRE! ME AND MY WIFE WILL DO NOTHING OF INTEREST FOR THE NEXT FEW HOURS!

"..."

>...The minute this cuts to black I'm jumping...

"...Shiny, I think we need to have you go see someone."

>...CUT TO BLACK GOD DAMN IT!

"...I'm going to go get my hoofs done, if you don't mind."

>...Damn it, wish this had been non-canon, nobody cares how crazy it gets in non-ca
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Chrysalis
"Applejack"
'77'
-Cheerilee-
~~~~

>...Did anyone else just hear a very loud "Fuck you!"?

"Yep."

'I did.'

-Oh dear, that wasn't just a voice in my head?-

>...Just checking.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

> Fluttershy
" Discord "
'SA'
~~~~~

>NO! BAD! NO NO NO!

"OW! I'm sorry!"

>NO! NO MESSING WITH PONIES LIKE THAT!

"But he sounds so much more intelligent!"

>It sounds acceptable when it comes out of Pinkie, but he's the straight man! You can't make the straight man meta, or the whole thing just fall apart!

"...Did... did I just get schooled in comedy etiquette?"

>...

"...I will never live this down."

'HEY! SO! WHAT THE FUCK!?'

>Sorry, Shiny! Discord was just having some fun and it got out of hoof! Here, here's a little sorry button.

'...Why do you have this?'

>In case I upset someone, I want them to know I'm sorry, so I made buttons.

'...That... huh...'

"..."

>NO!

"FINE! Spoilsport."

'Please get out of my house.'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Pinkie
"Doughnut Joe"
'Mulia'
~~~
>Deliverin' caaaaaakes! I'm just deliverin' some cakes- YOU!

"That's right, it's me! Don' think I forgot 'bout you stealin' the princesses from my services, or tha cake batter bomb!"

>The princesses wanted cakes, not doughnuts, our shops have two different specialties, the economy can handle us both!

"An' tha bomb?"

>That was supposed to be a cure for the common cold, Derpy was helping me with it! I didn't mean it I swear!

"Well either way, I had to let go of my employees and lost a lotta business thanks to you... So I'm gonna return the favor..."

>What are you planning?!

"Well, I'm just thinkin' it would be a shame alll tha sprinkles in yer shop went missin'."

>... Bastard!

Suddenly, mulia in a ninja costume!

'The job is done!'

>Where did you take the sprinkles?

"That's fer us to know... An' you to never find out! AHAHAHAHAHAH!"

Mulia tosses down a smoke bomb and she and Doughnut Joe vanish

>... this means war...
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Spike
"Blueblood"
'Rarity'
~Rekulk~
~~~

>Hey, Blueblood? How far does the pedometer say we've gone?

"...A few miles."

'Oh my, we're making fantastic time!'

>Uh... no. No we're not. This thing is most likely pretty far in, and we've wasted at least a third of our ammo at this point. Charity isn't as big a problem thanks to her magical ammo, but you guys are going to run out... well, okay, Rarity isn't because she uses magic, and... actually, you use a gun at all, do you Rekulk?

~No, friend! Rekulk is very fine with his sharpened unbreakable bone, yes he is! One of Orange and brown head would not trade for stick of fire and spear, no. Shocked when asked, even! Many things said about 'putting out eyes' and such.~

>Huh... might give you some training when we get back.

~Trading!? I love trading! Is what Rekulk is very best at, yes!~

>TRAINing, as in, you using a weapon without blowing your head off.

~Oh... can we trade as well?~

>Sure.

~HUZZAH!~

'But darling I do see your point, one of us is... a risk factor, let's say?'

"I'll have you know I am perfectly capable all by myself, thank you!"

'Oh good, we can finally leave him. Come, Spike!'

>Rarity...

'Only kidding, I swear. Would hate for the poor things down here to have to deal with him.'

"WHY YOU-... uh, Spike?"

>...Huh.

"Is that..."

'...A stocking?'

>...No, couldn't be. But hey, we're on the right track! This looks like some of the webbing that thing left behind!

'Oh good. The faster we get out of this horrible place, the better.'

~...Is not that bad.~

*SHRRREEEEEEIIIIKKKK!*

~See? Your words have upset the giant skinless sloth... or maybe you just being here is enough, I could not say...~

>OH SWEET CELESTIA IT HAS NO EYES!

~It is not that scary!~

"KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

~...I mean, yes, you should do that, but that does not mean this is all bad!~

'AHHH!'

~... Rekulks, what did that pony call them, 'real estate plans', might be in trouble.'

>"'AHHHH!'"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"So," Pommel began, "This is Tortoiga."

The pirate city of Tortoiga stood resplendent in the morning sun, nestled on the shore of a wild island, overrun with jungle lushness and rocky peaks. The clear water that came into its port was bountiful with fish of every size, shape, and color. Though all Pommel could fixate on was what the mighty pirate citadel was built upon...

"Holy hell, that's one big turtle shell!"

"Tortoise, actually," Rat corrected from beside him.

"Legend holds that four mighty pirate cap'n's found this abandoned shell embedded in th' beach," Daw explained from the other side, "They turned its inside into a port an' built a haven for us on top of th' shell."

"...but...we're in the ocean," Pommel grimaced.

"Yeh?"

"Turtles are the ones that hang out in the ocean, what's a tortoise doing there?"

"Perhaaaaps," Rat mused, "It was a very stupid Tortoise, hence its demise."

"I dunno, maybe those captains were just kinda stupid themselves," Pommel chuckled, that chuckling stopped when Rat looked the other way, Daw began inspecting the water, and he noticed the shadow looming over him.

"Oh were they now?" Captain Evergreen's voice, that infernal growl filled Pommel with dread, even as he turned.

"Well...uh...I mean, kinda...but then again, being pirates, they might have not known the differences...y'know...because they only had a shell?" Pommel gulped as he stared into Evergreen's eyes, one normal, one milky and sightless.

Then the captain smirked and laid his hook-er, hoof, on Pommel's shoulder, "Keep yer thinking quick like that, lad, and I may just keep you around after Puerto Caballo."

Pommel gulped, he did NOT want that to be the case.

"Listen up!" The captain turned to the rest of the crew, "We're here to get supplies, information, and drunk as a gryphon in an ale hall!"

The crew cheered their approval at the last item on the list.

"So keep your eyes open, your ears shop, and if I hear any of you reprobates got in a fight, I'd best hear you won it, understand!?"

"AYE CAP'N!" The crew chorused back.

"Then to port, you mangy curs," Evergreen laughed as the crew got to work, "Not you three, I've instructions for you."

Daw and Rat nodded, Pommel nervously followed suit.

"Daw, you're to see if there's any news about that infernal eel, perhaps we can pick up its trail if its not too far. The gardener is to stay out of trouble and report if he hears about anything we can use to make a profit. Rat, stay with the gardener, if he tries to cut and run, gut him like a fish."

"WHAT!?" Pommel felt the color drain from his face.

Rat laughed, "Oh c'mon lad, it won't come to that, perish the thought."

"Rat?"

"Yes?"

"You started polishing your knife halfway through that sentence."

"So I did, so I did," Rat grinned and tucked the blade away, "But I don't think I'll need it, I mean we're all friends here, aye? Let's find a lovely little tavern and drink until we need each other to stay standing!"

"Well at least I got that to look forward to," Pommel smiled as the ship neared the massive turtle/tortoise shell. Pommel and Rat set about working on the rigging as the rest of the crew carried out their own tasks, following shouted instructions from Daw. Soon they were within the great shell, the darkness all around them fought off b a legion of lanterns and candles, illuminating a mighty port arrayed in a semi-circle at the far end of the cavernous remains of the once proud leviathan...or behemoth, depending on the species.

Soon the Widow's Remorse had moored itself between two more ships and the crew charged down the gangplank, followed first by Evergreen, then Doc (muttering something about 'medicinal powders'), and finally by Pommel, Rat, and Daw.

"Right, so after I find out no one knows a damned thing about that cursed eel, I'll seek th' two of ye out, eh?" Daw said as they trotted down the docks.

"Sounds good, I figure I'll try and use this little tavern trip to see if I can pick up on something there. Captain Armor once let me play DnD with him-"

"After ye did some gardening fer him," Daw growled.

"Right, yeah, after that, and taverns just seem like the place you simply go for that," Pommel nodded.

"I'd keep a lid on your gardening habits, mate," Rat said casually, "Sounds a bit too much like a certain taboo occupation, savvy?"

"Yeah, yeah I savvy," Pommel said, shrinking a bit before the evil eye he was receiving from a scarred Diamond Dog nearby in a tricornered hat.

"Then off yeh two get, I gotta see some folks about a sea snake!" Daw nodded and walked off towards a group of shacks in the distance.

"This way, mate," Rat said, leading the way up to a great wooden staircase leading to an opening with light streaming down.

"Thing of beauty, eh?" Rat said, "They say the shell was too thick for the captains' crews to just hack through, so they had the unicorns in their crews bombard it with boulders until it caved."

"Wait, if the goal is to get drunk, is it really a good idea to go up and then down a flight of stairs?" Pommel asked as they ascended up towards the daylight.

"Consider it a rather obtuse case of survival of the fittest, if you're able to stumble back down these things without breaking your neck, it's a sign you'll be free and clear of that debt before this is over, if not, well...some would say breaking your neck is preferable to slavery."

"To a camel?"

"Especially to a camel," Rat shivered at the thought.

Pommel rolled his eyes, mind awash with new visions of this horrid mysterious creature. Surely the Morlocks and what lurked below the mountain had nothing on...whatever the hell a camel was

"Almost there, lad," Rat said as he deftly dodged a staggering drunken earth pony who attempted to make his way down the creaking steps, "You'll love this place, real lazy-fair kind of town, that's the word, right? Lazy-fair? Eh, anyway, here it's do as you please and take what you want."

"Isn't that kind of opening the door to a lot of theft?"

"Nah, not at all once the thieves realize the rules mean the people they did what they pleased to can do what THEY please right back at them. Real two fisted justice right there."

"Two fisted?" Pommel cocked his head to the side as the sunlight grew ever closer.

"Old dragon term, which is weird because they're more the slashy kind, no? Aha, here we are!" Rat stepped into the light, motioning for Pommel to join him.

Squinting his eyes, Pommel's hooves left wood and met the smooth, sun-soaked surface of the turtle/tortoise shell. Before him was a scene of chaos, as brawls were openly being fought in the street, drunken patrons hung out of tavern windows whilst sloshing tankards of grog and shouting abuse at patrons of other taverns doing much the same, a gaggle of demure mares eyed it all with interest, giving come hither looks at any who caught their eyes.

"Welcome to Tortoiga, lad! Haha!" Rat's smile seemed to reach it maximum level of genuine joy, "Let's find ourselves a place that isn't TOO consumed with fightin' and whorin', aye!?"

Rat galloped off into the street, threatening to leave Pommel behind.

"Best in the world..." The unicorn muttered and ran after his friend.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________


>Ticklebug
"Rarity"
~~~

>Hah ha! My neck-snare shall grab them tight and choke the life out of them!

"Oh how cute, it looks like a little scarf! I'm taking this with me."

>CURSES!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Ticklebug
"Spike"
~~~

>Hah! Surely this trap is one they shall never escape from! It is so large and wide, they have no hope!

"Wow, this thing makes a really nice blanket... really, really nice. It's so soft and cuddly..."

>DRAT!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Chitania
"Librarian"
' children '
~~~~

>...HAH! A potential lead at last! "Oh, why are you wasting your time learning pony? You're never going to need to know pony! Nobody needs to know how to read pony!" EAT SHIT, MOTHER!

"...This is a library-"

>Try to stop me. Go ahead. I'm currently hovering on 'slightly miffed.' Lets kick it all the way up to 'angry', shall we? Go ahead. Say something. SAY ONE GODDAMN THING YOU FUCKER!

"...for children, is what I was going to say. This wing is specifically dedicated to children."

>FUCK THOSE TINY LITTLE GUTTERSUCKING GRUBS!

'...Mommy, what's a guttersucking grub?'

>YOU!

'Can I have my book back?'

>NO!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________