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<i>Keep it going
for the next performer,</i>

3
00:01:11,620 --> 00:01:14,200
<i>my man, Mr. Kumail Nanjiani.</i>

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00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:19,380
<i>Hello.</i>

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00:01:19,790 --> 00:01:22,130
<i>Um, I'll tell you about myself.</i>

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00:01:22,460 --> 00:01:24,380
<i>I grew up in Pakistan.</i>

7
00:01:24,460 --> 00:01:26,010
<i>And people are always asking me,</i>

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00:01:26,090 --> 00:01:27,130
<i>"What was that like?"</i>

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00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:30,970
<i>Really not that different
from here.</i>

10
00:01:31,810 --> 00:01:32,890
<i>I mean, we played cricket,</i>

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00:01:32,970 --> 00:01:35,930
<i>which is just a spicier version
of baseball.</i>

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00:01:36,730 --> 00:01:38,100
<i>And we prayed a lot.</i>

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00:01:38,190 --> 00:01:40,360
<i>Well, not a lot.
Just five times a day.</i>

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00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:44,110
<i>And we marry someone
our parents find for us,</i>

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00:01:44,190 --> 00:01:45,650
<i>arranged marriage, you know?</i>

16
00:01:46,110 --> 00:01:48,030
<i>But, for me, it was probably
that we got episodes</i>

17
00:01:48,110 --> 00:01:50,280
<i>of</i> Knight Rider
<i>a little bit later.</i>

18
00:01:50,370 --> 00:01:51,570
<i>And by "little bit later, "</i>

19
00:01:51,660 --> 00:01:54,080
<i>I mean, we just got episode two.</i>

20
00:01:55,290 --> 00:01:57,660
<i>But other than that,
it was exactly the same.</i>

21
00:02:02,290 --> 00:02:06,130
<i>♪ Somethin's wrong
'cause my mind is fading ♪</i>

22
00:02:06,210 --> 00:02:10,010
<i>♪ And everywhere I look
there's a dead end waiting ♪</i>

23
00:02:10,340 --> 00:02:14,180
<i>♪ Temperature's dropping
at the rotten oasis ♪</i>

24
00:02:14,260 --> 00:02:17,850
<i>♪ Stealing kisses
from the leprous faces ♪</i>

25
00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:23,820
<i>♪ Got a devil's haircut
in my mind ♪</i>

26
00:02:23,900 --> 00:02:27,740
<i>♪ Got a devil's haircut
in my mind ♪</i>

27
00:02:27,820 --> 00:02:31,320
<i>♪ Got a devil's haircut
in my mind... ♪</i>

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00:02:31,570 --> 00:02:35,030
So, these are
my real journals, honestly.

29
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:37,160
And this is the woman
who wrote them.

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00:02:37,250 --> 00:02:38,710
Poor gal.

31
00:02:38,790 --> 00:02:41,250
Yeah. She... She has
no idea that, like,

32
00:02:41,330 --> 00:02:43,330
giant titties
are about to sprout

33
00:02:43,420 --> 00:02:45,880
and change her life
dramatically.

34
00:02:46,170 --> 00:02:47,550
So, uh, thank you, guys...

35
00:02:47,630 --> 00:02:50,090
There's no bad crowds, dude,
only bad comedians.

36
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,760
You complain about the crowd,
like, all the time.

37
00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:53,600
Yeah, like, that's when
they're really bad.

38
00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:55,480
That's, like, 90% of the time
they're really bad.

39
00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:57,230
Look, will you just watch
and give me notes tonight?

40
00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:58,140
All right?

41
00:02:58,220 --> 00:02:59,440
If we both give each other
notes, I think it helps.

42
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,310
Your notes are just,
"Add more fucks into the bit."

43
00:03:01,390 --> 00:03:03,070
- That doesn't help anybody.
- Hey, fuck's a funny word.

44
00:03:03,150 --> 00:03:04,440
It's soft on the top,
and it's hard on the end.

45
00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:05,570
That was truly horrible.

46
00:03:05,650 --> 00:03:06,650
- That was so bad.
- What happened?

47
00:03:06,730 --> 00:03:08,400
- Just watch.
- I'll watch, give you notes.

48
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:09,700
- All right. Thank you.
- Hey, that was great.

49
00:03:09,780 --> 00:03:11,570
No, he didn't
even crack a smile.

50
00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:13,450
- I thought I was gonna puke.
- Who?

51
00:03:13,700 --> 00:03:14,820
Bob Dalavan.

52
00:03:15,620 --> 00:03:16,620
Who's Bob Dalavan?

53
00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:19,410
Bob Dalavan works
for the Montreal Comedy Festival,

54
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,040
you fucking doof.

55
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:22,170
- He's here?
- Yes.

56
00:03:22,250 --> 00:03:23,450
Don't you want to get noticed?

57
00:03:23,670 --> 00:03:24,750
Don't you want
to move to L.A.?

58
00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:26,880
Hang out with Elijah Wood,
and shit?

59
00:03:27,300 --> 00:03:28,340
Nobody's on stage?

60
00:03:28,420 --> 00:03:29,590
No.

61
00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:32,970
He might've been doing cocaine.

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00:03:33,050 --> 00:03:34,800
Was he doing cocaine
recreationally?

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00:03:34,890 --> 00:03:35,890
True cokehead.

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00:03:35,970 --> 00:03:37,210
- Cocaine.
- I wonder if he was.

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00:03:38,770 --> 00:03:40,350
Now, before I bring out
the next guy,

66
00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:44,440
you guys know tonight
is Jell-O shot Tuesday!

67
00:03:46,150 --> 00:03:48,440
And we all know what happens
after eight Jell-O shots.

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00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:51,530
We urinate all over
ourselves and puke.

69
00:03:51,610 --> 00:03:53,360
Okay, so I'm gonna
bring up the next comic.

70
00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:55,570
- Confidence. Poise.
<i>- You know this man.</i>

71
00:03:55,660 --> 00:03:56,990
<i>Give it up
for Mr. Chris Jones!</i>

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00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:58,950
Smile.

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00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,080
<i>- Chris!</i>
- He's like if a serial killer

74
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:02,960
fucked an inspirational speaker.

75
00:04:03,670 --> 00:04:06,170
He's like Daniel Day-Lewis,
except he sucks.

76
00:04:06,420 --> 00:04:07,710
I've tried his warm-up.

77
00:04:07,790 --> 00:04:09,220
- It does not work for me.
- So unsettling.

78
00:04:09,300 --> 00:04:10,920
Just bought a laser printer.

79
00:04:11,010 --> 00:04:13,260
Printed out, like,
six lasers so far.

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00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:15,130
- Maybe.
- Hey, DODD.

81
00:04:15,220 --> 00:04:16,430
Uh, Dalavan's
in the crowd tonight.

82
00:04:16,510 --> 00:04:18,010
- Can I do ten?
- No, five minutes.

83
00:04:18,260 --> 00:04:19,680
You put out chairs,
you do five minutes.

84
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,140
- You know the deal.
- Come on, man.

85
00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:22,600
I'll double it up next time.
Come on.

86
00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:23,730
What are you gonna do in there?

87
00:04:23,810 --> 00:04:25,060
I'm making up
next week's schedule.

88
00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:26,190
Okay, cool.

89
00:04:27,110 --> 00:04:28,110
I was in bed with my girlfriend,

90
00:04:28,190 --> 00:04:32,030
and I was trying to mansplain
to her that, you know, we...

91
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:36,820
We are on one little rock
orbiting one star in a galaxy

92
00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:39,160
of a billion stars
in a universe...

93
00:04:39,740 --> 00:04:41,490
full of a billion galaxies.

94
00:04:42,830 --> 00:04:44,330
You know, so I forgot
your birthday.

95
00:04:44,410 --> 00:04:45,590
Who gives a shit?

96
00:04:45,670 --> 00:04:48,920
Like, you are cosmically
overreacting to this.

97
00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:51,750
Honestly, you are being
super selfish.

98
00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:53,630
You're right,
but you're selfish.

99
00:04:57,510 --> 00:04:58,800
Hey.

100
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:02,180
Have you guys heard of this
drug cocktail called cheese?

101
00:05:02,270 --> 00:05:05,100
Uh, I saw these news reports,
so I looked up what cheese is,

102
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:06,270
and cheese is a mixture.

103
00:05:06,350 --> 00:05:11,070
Cheese is Tylenol PM and heroin.

104
00:05:12,690 --> 00:05:15,030
So, really, it's heroin.

105
00:05:15,740 --> 00:05:17,780
Heroin's doing
the heavy lifting.

106
00:05:18,660 --> 00:05:20,910
Just do the heroin.
It's very powerful.

107
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,370
You already have heroin.

108
00:05:24,660 --> 00:05:26,410
Is Pakistan in the house?

109
00:05:28,420 --> 00:05:31,090
Really?
You're not from Pakistan.

110
00:05:31,420 --> 00:05:32,840
I would've noticed you.

111
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:36,340
- Are you kidding me?
- Mmm.

112
00:05:36,420 --> 00:05:38,510
He just gave you Montreal?
Like, you don't have to

113
00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:39,930
showcase or audition
or anything?

114
00:05:40,010 --> 00:05:41,850
No. It was too easy, almost.

115
00:05:41,970 --> 00:05:44,220
Like, I wanted to struggle.
I wanted... I wanted a story

116
00:05:44,310 --> 00:05:45,640
to be able to tell
on talk shows,

117
00:05:45,730 --> 00:05:46,930
and instead, like...

118
00:05:47,230 --> 00:05:49,270
You guys don't know how tough
it is not to struggle.

119
00:05:49,350 --> 00:05:51,900
It's... It's a struggle
succeeding effortlessly.

120
00:05:52,020 --> 00:05:54,860
- Did he say anything about me?
- Sure.

121
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:57,820
- What about me?
- He... They, both of you.

122
00:05:57,900 --> 00:06:00,570
He said,
"Those guys performed."

123
00:06:01,700 --> 00:06:03,330
I truly hate you, actually.

124
00:06:03,410 --> 00:06:05,040
We all hate you.

125
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,120
- Hi.
- Hi.

126
00:06:08,210 --> 00:06:09,670
- Hello.
- Um, my name's Kumail.

127
00:06:09,750 --> 00:06:10,750
Yeah, we know.

128
00:06:10,830 --> 00:06:12,250
Yeah, we saw you perform.

129
00:06:13,210 --> 00:06:15,460
Now that the niceties
are out of the way, um,

130
00:06:15,710 --> 00:06:17,840
I have to tell you
that when you yelled at me,

131
00:06:18,050 --> 00:06:19,050
it really threw me off,

132
00:06:19,180 --> 00:06:21,800
and, uh, you really shouldn't
heckle comedians.

133
00:06:21,890 --> 00:06:23,050
It's so rude.

134
00:06:23,850 --> 00:06:25,060
I didn't heckle you.

135
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:28,390
I just whoo-hoo'd you.
It was supportive.

136
00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:29,880
Okay, that's a common
misconception.

137
00:06:30,020 --> 00:06:32,020
But yelling anything
at a comedian

138
00:06:32,310 --> 00:06:33,360
is considered heckling.

139
00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:35,070
Heckling doesn't have
to be negative.

140
00:06:35,780 --> 00:06:37,650
So, if I...
If I yelled out, like,

141
00:06:37,740 --> 00:06:39,070
"You're amazing in bed!"

142
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:41,030
That'd be a heckle?

143
00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:43,160
Yeah. It would be
an accurate heckle.

144
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:44,240
- Cool.
- Whoa.

145
00:06:45,700 --> 00:06:46,540
Bye.

146
00:06:46,620 --> 00:06:48,000
- Oh.
- Don't go.

147
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:49,080
- No, you can...
- I'm going.

148
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:51,790
You scared my friend off now.

149
00:06:52,210 --> 00:06:53,250
What's your name?

150
00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:54,590
Emily.

151
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:56,380
Emily. Here...

152
00:06:56,670 --> 00:06:58,710
I want to show you
something, Emily.

153
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:05,640
This is your name in Urdu.

154
00:07:06,180 --> 00:07:07,560
Oh.

155
00:07:10,730 --> 00:07:12,150
Does this move work?

156
00:07:12,690 --> 00:07:14,440
I've had some minor success
with it.

157
00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:15,650
Bullshit.

158
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,030
So, you just
came to a comedy show

159
00:07:19,110 --> 00:07:20,150
with your friends?

160
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:24,370
Yeah. We're all grad students
at the University of Chicago.

161
00:07:24,450 --> 00:07:25,750
What are you studying
at grad school?

162
00:07:25,830 --> 00:07:28,160
I study psychology.
I'm going to be a therapist.

163
00:07:28,370 --> 00:07:30,410
Oh, so you're gonna sit
on a couch, and, like,

164
00:07:30,500 --> 00:07:32,290
ask people, like,
"How does that make you feel?"

165
00:07:32,370 --> 00:07:33,830
I mean, eventually, yeah.

166
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,630
Right now I'm just
doing fieldwork

167
00:07:35,710 --> 00:07:36,920
with this group of guys

168
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,630
who are convicted
of domestic violence.

169
00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:40,840
- Jesus. Oh, wow.
- Cheers to that.

170
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:43,550
No, don't cheers to that.
To you being a therapist.

171
00:07:43,970 --> 00:07:46,140
Great. To me getting
my master's.

172
00:07:46,220 --> 00:07:48,380
We'll start there, and then
we'll go to the rest of it.

173
00:07:53,270 --> 00:07:55,440
So, my roommate Chris
is probably on the couch.

174
00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:57,480
He's gonna want to try
and start a conversation.

175
00:07:57,770 --> 00:07:59,780
So, do not engage.

176
00:08:00,110 --> 00:08:00,940
Okay.

177
00:08:01,030 --> 00:08:02,030
Let's go.

178
00:08:04,070 --> 00:08:05,700
- Hey, pals.
- Hey.

179
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:07,660
Hi.

180
00:08:14,580 --> 00:08:17,460
Good for him. Good for him.

181
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:22,670
Do you want to watch a movie?

182
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:24,550
- Sure.
- Okay.

183
00:08:26,220 --> 00:08:28,510
Should I just, like,
put my stuff down or...

184
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:30,310
Yeah, I would say it's safe.
You know what?

185
00:08:30,390 --> 00:08:32,850
That area's...
Go for that area.

186
00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:36,150
I cleaned that earlier
this year, so...

187
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,650
Should I take my shoes off
or is this a shoes-on bed?

188
00:08:40,070 --> 00:08:41,320
No, it's a shoes-off bed.

189
00:08:41,570 --> 00:08:43,440
I have... I have strict rules.

190
00:08:43,530 --> 00:08:44,570
Cool. Cool.

191
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:46,110
Oh, wow.

192
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:50,200
That is totally, uh,
an inflated mattress.

193
00:08:50,830 --> 00:08:52,170
Yeah. Well, did you think
it was gonna be

194
00:08:52,250 --> 00:08:53,660
a flat, inflatable mattress?

195
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:56,830
I did think it might be
an actual mattress,

196
00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,000
but you know.

197
00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,340
Well, air mattresses
are actual mattresses.

198
00:09:00,420 --> 00:09:02,170
You're being bigoted...

199
00:09:02,260 --> 00:09:03,860
- Okay. Uh-huh.
- towards air-based...

200
00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:04,840
Uh-huh.

201
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:06,920
- Towards air-based mattresses?
- comfort items.

202
00:09:08,050 --> 00:09:09,510
<i>Night of the Living Dead?</i>

203
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,430
Sure, I haven't
ever seen that movie.

204
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:15,270
Okay, so, basically,
the dead start rising.

205
00:09:15,350 --> 00:09:18,690
- Mmm-hmm.
- And the good guys, um...

206
00:09:28,410 --> 00:09:30,030
Text Lauren.

207
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,910
You up, girl?

208
00:09:32,990 --> 00:09:34,290
No, fuck, no.

209
00:09:35,910 --> 00:09:37,580
<i>What do you want
to say to Warren?</i>

210
00:09:37,670 --> 00:09:39,710
She...

211
00:09:40,420 --> 00:09:41,510
<i>What do you want to say to...</i>

212
00:09:41,590 --> 00:09:43,750
You up, period.

213
00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:45,840
Send.

214
00:09:46,260 --> 00:09:47,850
<i>That may be beyond
my abilities at the moment.</i>

215
00:09:47,930 --> 00:09:49,800
Fuck. No.

216
00:09:57,100 --> 00:09:58,560
What are these scars?

217
00:10:00,310 --> 00:10:03,980
Oh, they're, uh,
smallpox vaccination.

218
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:05,990
I thought only old people
had those.

219
00:10:06,070 --> 00:10:07,110
Well, I'm from Pakistan,

220
00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:09,320
and we're still fighting
some battles

221
00:10:09,410 --> 00:10:10,700
you guys have already won.

222
00:10:11,070 --> 00:10:12,660
What were you like
in high school?

223
00:10:12,950 --> 00:10:14,490
Were you, like, super funny?

224
00:10:14,580 --> 00:10:16,040
Were you really smart?

225
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:17,120
Were you...

226
00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:19,040
I was very shy.

227
00:10:19,580 --> 00:10:21,420
They called me <i>Chashmullee.</i>

228
00:10:21,670 --> 00:10:22,750
What is that?

229
00:10:23,460 --> 00:10:25,500
It roughly translates
to "dweeb."

230
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,510
I'll show you a picture.

231
00:10:28,340 --> 00:10:30,590
Of you in high school?
Oh, my God.

232
00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:32,300
- Boom.
- No.

233
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:34,810
And I'm thinking
I'm killing it right now.

234
00:10:34,890 --> 00:10:37,350
- What inspired this haircut?
- Hugh Grant.

235
00:10:37,430 --> 00:10:38,930
- No.
- Yeah.

236
00:10:39,190 --> 00:10:40,600
- Oh, no.
- Big fan.

237
00:10:40,690 --> 00:10:42,230
- And you're so serious, too.
- Okay.

238
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:44,360
I read an interview
with Hugh Grant.

239
00:10:44,690 --> 00:10:47,440
- He said he doesn't smile.
- No. That's not real.

240
00:10:47,530 --> 00:10:49,410
'Cause it makes his face
look fat, so I didn't...

241
00:10:49,490 --> 00:10:51,700
I didn't smile
in pictures for many years.

242
00:10:52,370 --> 00:10:53,780
What were you like
in high school?

243
00:10:53,950 --> 00:10:55,030
Um...

244
00:10:55,700 --> 00:10:59,000
Were you, like, voted, like,
most sexy?

245
00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:01,710
No. I was voted
most noticeable.

246
00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:05,460
- That's good.
- No, it's really not good.

247
00:11:05,710 --> 00:11:09,010
I, uh, had acne,
and I was a goth, and...

248
00:11:09,090 --> 00:11:11,590
I had this terrible perm.

249
00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:15,180
Um, yeah, the kids
called me Beetlejuice.

250
00:11:15,260 --> 00:11:16,260
I don't know why.

251
00:11:17,430 --> 00:11:19,270
Actually, I do know why.

252
00:11:19,350 --> 00:11:21,600
It's because they thought
I looked like Beetlejuice.

253
00:11:21,690 --> 00:11:23,600
I think I'm done
with this subject.

254
00:11:23,690 --> 00:11:25,440
In fact,
I think I'm gonna go home.

255
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,900
Wait, wait. We haven't even
had sex again yet.

256
00:11:28,230 --> 00:11:29,660
Yeah, I'm just not
that kind of girl.

257
00:11:29,740 --> 00:11:31,320
I only have sex once
on the first date.

258
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,030
- Wow.
- Plus a hand job.

259
00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:35,240
Okay, well,
I haven't had that, so...

260
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,660
You don't get that
because you made fun of me.

261
00:11:37,870 --> 00:11:39,620
What is happening?
What are you doing?

262
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:41,080
I'm changing under this blanket.

263
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:42,830
I've seen everything.
Do you remember?

264
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,380
We were just having sex.

265
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,670
Yeah, but we were, like,
in the throes of passion then,

266
00:11:47,750 --> 00:11:48,750
and...

267
00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:51,170
Listen, I had
a really nice time.

268
00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:52,430
Thank you very much.

269
00:11:52,510 --> 00:11:56,010
I'm just gonna, like,
call an Uber, go home,

270
00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:58,140
and I hope...

271
00:11:59,850 --> 00:12:01,930
Just...

272
00:12:02,850 --> 00:12:04,190
Your driver will be ready

273
00:12:04,270 --> 00:12:06,060
as soon as he puts on his pants.

274
00:12:06,940 --> 00:12:09,320
Were you available for rides
while we were fucking?

275
00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:11,360
Yeah, but I only looked
a couple times.

276
00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:16,740
So, maybe I'll, uh, run into you
at the club sometime,

277
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:18,830
and we can grab a drink?

278
00:12:20,660 --> 00:12:23,000
Um, I'm not...

279
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:24,290
I know this sounds like a line,

280
00:12:24,370 --> 00:12:25,790
but I'm not really, like...

281
00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:29,170
I'm not really dating
right now. I just...

282
00:12:29,380 --> 00:12:32,170
I've got a lot of school
and work and...

283
00:12:32,260 --> 00:12:33,680
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Just a lot on my plate.

284
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:36,090
Yeah, no, I get it. Totally.

285
00:12:36,550 --> 00:12:38,390
That's perfect 'cause I'm not...

286
00:12:39,510 --> 00:12:40,640
dating right now, either.

287
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:41,850
- Okay.
- Yeah.

288
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,600
And I actually have
a pretty strict two-day rule

289
00:12:44,690 --> 00:12:48,860
where I can't see someone
more than two days in a row.

290
00:12:48,940 --> 00:12:51,320
So, since we hung out
for two days,

291
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:52,860
even if I were to see you again,

292
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,410
which I won't 'cause
you're not dating,

293
00:12:54,490 --> 00:12:55,780
I'm not dating,

294
00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:57,990
I wouldn't be able
to see you till Monday.

295
00:12:58,070 --> 00:12:59,530
We haven't hung out
for two days.

296
00:12:59,620 --> 00:13:01,020
We've hung out
for about five hours.

297
00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:02,790
- Yeah, but...
- Just to be totally clear.

298
00:13:02,870 --> 00:13:05,920
Yesterday and today
'cause it's after midnight.

299
00:13:06,170 --> 00:13:08,330
So, today is actually tomorrow,

300
00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:10,630
earlier tonight was yesterday,
so two days.

301
00:13:10,710 --> 00:13:12,840
You see,
I don't date time-nerds,

302
00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:16,180
so that really takes you
off the table.

303
00:13:16,260 --> 00:13:17,220
That works out

304
00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:19,850
'cause I am
a hardcore time-nerd.

305
00:13:19,930 --> 00:13:20,850
Yeah, I can tell.

306
00:13:20,930 --> 00:13:24,430
I'm, like, very strict
about a.m./p.m. stuff and...

307
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,850
So, wait.
So, just to establish,

308
00:13:27,940 --> 00:13:28,940
what did we decide?

309
00:13:29,270 --> 00:13:31,480
We decided we aren't ever
gonna see each other again.

310
00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:32,770
Great.

311
00:13:33,610 --> 00:13:35,320
I'm glad we're on the same page.

312
00:13:43,410 --> 00:13:44,790
Look at my jeans, Kumi.

313
00:13:44,870 --> 00:13:46,830
They're
from Citizens of Humanity.

314
00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:48,170
- That's the brand's name.
- Oh.

315
00:13:48,250 --> 00:13:49,300
They're so soft.
Touch them.

316
00:13:49,380 --> 00:13:50,460
I don't want
to touch your jeans.

317
00:13:50,540 --> 00:13:51,670
- Come on, touch them.
- I'll touch them.

318
00:13:51,750 --> 00:13:53,070
They're like sweatpants,
you know.

319
00:13:53,340 --> 00:13:55,180
You should be stylish
like your father, you know.

320
00:13:55,260 --> 00:13:56,840
It's not very difficult.
Just observe me.

321
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,930
- Get some Daddy style.
- Yeah.

322
00:13:59,050 --> 00:14:01,180
Kumi, why don't you
grow a beard?

323
00:14:01,470 --> 00:14:03,060
Not like Naveed's,
just a small one.

324
00:14:03,140 --> 00:14:04,350
- Not like his.
- Maybe like mine.

325
00:14:04,430 --> 00:14:05,470
Small, cool, and stylish.

326
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:06,560
Kumi, I've been thinking.

327
00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:09,350
You know, why you don't
enroll for LSAT now?

328
00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:12,400
Yeah, sorry, Ma,
I haven't done it yet.

329
00:14:12,650 --> 00:14:13,900
I like that you bring it up

330
00:14:13,980 --> 00:14:15,610
as if you've never
brought it up before.

331
00:14:15,690 --> 00:14:17,190
How's the stand-up
coming, <i>Bhai?</i>

332
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:22,660
It's going fine.
Thank you.

333
00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:24,790
Yeah, since when
are you someone to stand up?

334
00:14:24,870 --> 00:14:26,790
You know who I think
should stand up is Malala.

335
00:14:26,870 --> 00:14:28,000
- She has something to say.
- Malala, yeah.

336
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:29,460
- Ooh, I love Malala.
- She has something to say.

337
00:14:29,540 --> 00:14:31,790
- Malala.
- Yeah. I know.

338
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:33,420
She does open mics,
and she crushes.

339
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:35,710
A lot of ethnic material,
which I think is a crutch,

340
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:38,090
and that one story gets
a lot of play, but...

341
00:14:38,630 --> 00:14:39,840
You should be on that show.

342
00:14:40,050 --> 00:14:41,300
<i>- Saturday Night Live.
- SNL.</i>

343
00:14:41,390 --> 00:14:42,810
That's a great idea.
I should e-mail them.

344
00:14:42,890 --> 00:14:44,310
I don't know why
I hadn't thought of that.

345
00:14:44,390 --> 00:14:45,680
You know, I hacked
into your cousin.

346
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:46,970
Rehan's Facebook account.

347
00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:48,150
- You hacked into it?
- Oh.

348
00:14:48,230 --> 00:14:49,810
Yeah, they were not accepting
my friends request,

349
00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:50,940
- so I had to hack into it...
- Okay.

350
00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:53,520
and I discovered that he
and that white woman

351
00:14:53,610 --> 00:14:55,770
that he's living with
are having a baby.

352
00:14:55,860 --> 00:14:57,820
- They're married.
- Yeah, whatever.

353
00:14:57,900 --> 00:14:59,870
And then I hacked into Tumblr,
and I discovered that

354
00:14:59,950 --> 00:15:02,240
they have named
the baby Da-vé.

355
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:04,780
- Can you imagine?
- Dave.

356
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,080
- Dave?
- It's probably Dave.

357
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:08,790
Oh. Oh, Dave. Dave.

358
00:15:08,870 --> 00:15:10,630
- Nobody's named Da-vé.
- It's very, very, very sad.

359
00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,710
No one is going to visit
that baby, and that baby,

360
00:15:12,790 --> 00:15:14,790
mark my words,
will grow up without a family.

361
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,710
It's like he's dead or worse.

362
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,960
It is very sad. Kumi,

363
00:15:19,050 --> 00:15:21,720
go and pray now, so then
we can eat ice cream. Go.

364
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:23,430
- Go. Please, go.
- Yeah, Ma, I need to finish.

365
00:15:23,510 --> 00:15:25,470
Hurry up, <i>Bhai.</i> Ice cream.

366
00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:26,890
And then we'll eat ice cream.

367
00:15:26,970 --> 00:15:29,520
Stop, stop.
Janamaz is downstairs. Go.

368
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:31,480
Stop.

369
00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:33,400
What is this?

370
00:15:58,670 --> 00:15:59,510
I don't know, I think...

371
00:15:59,590 --> 00:16:00,920
My mother used to
make best kulfi.

372
00:16:01,010 --> 00:16:02,550
- Your grandmother.
- Oh, yeah?

373
00:16:02,630 --> 00:16:04,140
I think ice cream
is better than kulfi.

374
00:16:04,220 --> 00:16:05,640
No, no, no.

375
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:08,220
Oh. I wonder
who that could be.

376
00:16:08,310 --> 00:16:11,230
- Yeah.
- Let me check. I don't know.

377
00:16:11,310 --> 00:16:13,640
I'm guessing it's a young,
single Pakistani woman

378
00:16:13,730 --> 00:16:15,650
who just happened
to be driving by our house,

379
00:16:15,730 --> 00:16:16,730
which is on a cul-de-sac.

380
00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:17,940
- Well...
- And I'm also guessing

381
00:16:18,020 --> 00:16:19,940
that the phrase "dropped in"

382
00:16:20,030 --> 00:16:21,610
will be said
in the next ten seconds.

383
00:16:21,860 --> 00:16:23,280
- Ten.
- Ten, nine...

384
00:16:23,780 --> 00:16:25,950
- eight, seven...
- Quiet.

385
00:16:26,030 --> 00:16:28,580
Everyone, this is Zubeida.

386
00:16:28,830 --> 00:16:30,620
- She just dropped in.
<i>- Salaam.</i>

387
00:16:32,250 --> 00:16:33,910
- Come, please. Sit.
- Mmm.

388
00:16:36,290 --> 00:16:39,210
Oh, here, Kumail,
for your files.

389
00:16:39,750 --> 00:16:41,590
- Thank you.
- Your <i>X-Files</i> because...

390
00:16:41,670 --> 00:16:43,720
- Thank you.
- that's your favorite show.

391
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:44,800
Huh?

392
00:16:46,140 --> 00:16:47,340
Thank you so much.

393
00:16:48,220 --> 00:16:50,180
"The truth is out there."

394
00:16:52,980 --> 00:16:54,890
- Uh-huh.
- It's from the show.

395
00:16:56,650 --> 00:16:57,860
Thank you.

396
00:16:58,400 --> 00:16:59,690
- Thank you. Yeah.
- Bye.

397
00:16:59,770 --> 00:17:01,780
- Bye.
- I hope you come back.

398
00:17:03,570 --> 00:17:06,700
Kumi, there's not just going
to be a magic spark, okay?

399
00:17:06,780 --> 00:17:09,490
You have to work at it.
You have to stay open.

400
00:17:09,870 --> 00:17:11,700
- Okay, Ma. Okay. Yeah, yeah.
- Okay. Good.

401
00:17:11,790 --> 00:17:13,700
I just wish you were
better at it, you know?

402
00:17:13,790 --> 00:17:15,750
I mean, you've had so much
practice, and you're still...

403
00:17:15,830 --> 00:17:18,000
- You're not that good at it.
- Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

404
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:19,250
Brought your A-game
with NAVEED,

405
00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:21,550
but with me, you're just
phoning it in a little bit.

406
00:17:21,630 --> 00:17:23,630
Again with the comedy,
the comedy.

407
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:26,380
All the time with the comedy.
Be serious sometimes.

408
00:17:26,470 --> 00:17:28,390
I am serious.
I want to help you get better.

409
00:17:39,150 --> 00:17:41,110
<i>So, are you ever gonna
let me sit in the front seat?</i>

410
00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:42,690
<i>No, I'm a professional,</i>

411
00:17:42,780 --> 00:17:44,280
<i>and you're paying for this ride.</i>

412
00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:45,740
I don't want
to pay for this ride.

413
00:17:45,820 --> 00:17:47,950
It's surging right now.

414
00:17:49,030 --> 00:17:51,240
Yeah. Sorry.

415
00:17:51,330 --> 00:17:52,910
You shouldn't have
typed in the number.

416
00:17:53,660 --> 00:17:57,370
Okay, the year is 1969.

417
00:17:57,710 --> 00:17:59,630
MGM has had
a string of failures,

418
00:17:59,710 --> 00:18:03,960
so it turns to its most
bankable star, Vincent Price.

419
00:18:04,050 --> 00:18:05,880
Is this your compatibility test?

420
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:09,130
Like the way some people are
with Vonnegut or <i>Big Lebowski?</i>

421
00:18:09,220 --> 00:18:11,890
No, just watch the movie
and take it seriously

422
00:18:11,970 --> 00:18:13,020
- because it's very serious.
- I'm gonna love it.

423
00:18:13,100 --> 00:18:15,060
I love it when men
test me on my taste.

424
00:18:15,140 --> 00:18:16,730
I just want to share
this movie with you,

425
00:18:16,810 --> 00:18:18,310
so I don't know why
you're reading into...

426
00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:21,020
How many women
have you showed this movie to?

427
00:18:22,310 --> 00:18:23,310
Zero.

428
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,610
How many women have you
shown a "B" horror movie to

429
00:18:26,690 --> 00:18:27,990
on, like, a third date?

430
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,200
This is not a "B" horror movie.

431
00:18:33,450 --> 00:18:34,580
Okay, are you ready?

432
00:18:34,910 --> 00:18:37,580
Just close your eyes
'cause when the menu comes on,

433
00:18:37,660 --> 00:18:39,000
there's some spoilers
in the menu.

434
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:40,620
- Okay?
- I'm ready, I'm ready.

435
00:18:40,710 --> 00:18:41,750
Okay, I'll hit play.

436
00:18:43,210 --> 00:18:44,210
Okay, go.

437
00:18:58,890 --> 00:19:00,230
Watch.

438
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,230
- I'm watching.
- Shh.

439
00:19:02,310 --> 00:19:03,810
Watch this part.

440
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:07,820
- No.
- What?

441
00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:09,420
If you're tired,
we can watch it later.

442
00:19:09,610 --> 00:19:11,490
Sorry.
Just have that weird, like,

443
00:19:11,950 --> 00:19:13,450
yawning thing that happens

444
00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:15,530
when you're watching
a really boring film.

445
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,870
It's not boring.
Just wait for it to kick in.

446
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,540
- The plot kicks in really soon.
- Okay.

447
00:19:21,620 --> 00:19:26,460
<i>Your loss. Nine times nine.</i>

448
00:19:27,050 --> 00:19:29,050
<i>Nine killed you.</i>

449
00:19:29,340 --> 00:19:30,420
That was fun.

450
00:19:30,510 --> 00:19:33,840
Uh, thanks for the ride home,
but we got to stop doing this.

451
00:19:33,930 --> 00:19:35,850
- Yeah.
- I know I've said that before,

452
00:19:35,930 --> 00:19:37,100
but I really do mean it.

453
00:19:37,180 --> 00:19:38,850
I can't be doing this right now.

454
00:19:38,930 --> 00:19:42,140
I know, I know.
Totally. One hundred percent.

455
00:19:43,190 --> 00:19:44,440
I agree with you.

456
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,360
- So, don't call me again.
- I won't.

457
00:19:47,110 --> 00:19:48,400
I promise.

458
00:19:48,730 --> 00:19:50,570
Good luck
on all your future endeavors.

459
00:19:50,650 --> 00:19:52,030
Oh, yeah, thank you.

460
00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:53,660
Hey, can we have an awkward hug

461
00:19:53,740 --> 00:19:55,740
before we part forever?

462
00:19:57,410 --> 00:19:58,740
- Okay.
- Okay.

463
00:19:59,910 --> 00:20:01,160
Uh...

464
00:20:06,420 --> 00:20:07,630
- Bye.
- Bye.

465
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:25,350
Uh, you just promised
never to call me again, so...

466
00:20:26,230 --> 00:20:28,150
It's really cold out here.

467
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:30,860
It's so cold.

468
00:20:30,940 --> 00:20:32,650
You make a pretty good point.

469
00:20:32,740 --> 00:20:34,320
It is a lot warmer in here.

470
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,070
It is warmer in here.

471
00:20:36,660 --> 00:20:38,080
You know,
it's really nice upstairs.

472
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:39,160
Is it?

473
00:20:41,580 --> 00:20:43,500
Whoa... Whoa!

474
00:20:44,670 --> 00:20:46,750
What are you doing? Okay.

475
00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:48,210
Just trying to get comfy.

476
00:20:49,420 --> 00:20:51,250
Oh, let me see.
Who could that be?

477
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:58,760
Oh, I wonder who that could be.

478
00:21:06,270 --> 00:21:07,310
Uncle.

479
00:21:08,270 --> 00:21:09,860
Oh, let me see who is that.

480
00:21:12,030 --> 00:21:13,490
Emily, so has Kumail told you

481
00:21:13,570 --> 00:21:15,400
that in addition
to being an Uber driver,

482
00:21:15,490 --> 00:21:18,280
he also has a one-man show?

483
00:21:18,780 --> 00:21:20,330
No, he did not tell me that.

484
00:21:20,410 --> 00:21:22,580
- Do you really?
- Oh, it's really nothing.

485
00:21:22,660 --> 00:21:24,420
It's just something
I'm fiddling around with.

486
00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:26,920
How is a one-man show
different from stand-up?

487
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,050
- It's really not.
- I guess it's because

488
00:21:28,130 --> 00:21:31,290
there's lots of, like,
wigs and costume changes.

489
00:21:31,380 --> 00:21:32,840
And there's a lot
of acting in it.

490
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:35,510
Mmm. And then, like,
at the end of it,

491
00:21:35,590 --> 00:21:38,090
you've got this very awkward
conversation where you go,

492
00:21:38,470 --> 00:21:40,050
"I really liked it."

493
00:21:40,300 --> 00:21:42,140
But I thought
you really liked it.

494
00:21:42,220 --> 00:21:44,430
I really liked it.

495
00:21:44,890 --> 00:21:47,350
- I can't wait to see this show.
- Oh, yeah.

496
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:49,070
Okay, you will never see
the show because it's...

497
00:21:49,150 --> 00:21:50,190
- Oh, you have to see it.
- You have to.

498
00:21:50,270 --> 00:21:51,440
- It's not ready. It's not...
- You have to...

499
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,900
- You will love the acting.
- You have to see it.

500
00:21:53,980 --> 00:21:55,530
They're fucking with you.
It's not really like this.

501
00:21:55,610 --> 00:21:57,070
They're fucking with me
or with you?

502
00:21:57,150 --> 00:21:58,200
It's actually very significant.

503
00:21:58,280 --> 00:21:59,800
It seems like they're
fucking with you.

504
00:22:01,950 --> 00:22:04,200
I'm 12 years old, and this...

505
00:22:05,870 --> 00:22:07,080
This is home.

506
00:22:08,670 --> 00:22:10,250
Feels like I never left.

507
00:22:11,170 --> 00:22:12,420
Do you smell that?

508
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:16,260
That's my mom cooking
the <i>murgh rogan josh.</i>

509
00:22:17,170 --> 00:22:19,130
- Fuck.
- Do you hear that?

510
00:22:19,470 --> 00:22:22,100
That's my father watching
cricket on the telly.

511
00:22:23,140 --> 00:22:24,720
Do you feel that?

512
00:22:25,060 --> 00:22:27,930
That's the weight
of Pakistan's history.

513
00:22:28,020 --> 00:22:30,020
Pakistan was formed
when it separated

514
00:22:30,100 --> 00:22:34,270
from its biggest rival, India,
on August 14th, 1947.

515
00:22:34,940 --> 00:22:36,940
Six runs.

516
00:22:37,030 --> 00:22:39,030
Silly mid on.
Short mid-wicket.

517
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:40,950
Mid-wicket.
Deep mid-wicket.

518
00:22:41,030 --> 00:22:44,700
Mid on. Long on. Long off.
Bowler. Mid off.

519
00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:46,200
A googly is when a...

520
00:22:46,290 --> 00:22:47,540
I have to leave
as soon as the show's over.

521
00:22:47,620 --> 00:22:49,330
- I can't stay. Okay.
- Okay.

522
00:22:49,410 --> 00:22:51,460
So, if you get
a silly mid-on fielder,

523
00:22:51,540 --> 00:22:53,710
you know you're getting
a yorker soon.

524
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:57,710
So, to review,
Pakistan's biggest exports

525
00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,970
- are cotton and...
- Concrete.

526
00:23:01,300 --> 00:23:02,720
- Kill me.
- That's right.

527
00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:05,060
<i>Eid Mubarak.</i>
That's our Christmas.

528
00:23:05,140 --> 00:23:07,390
Except instead
of the traditional Christmas ham,

529
00:23:07,470 --> 00:23:08,730
we serve <i>mithai,</i>

530
00:23:08,810 --> 00:23:11,980
which my <i>khansamah,</i> Chris,
will serve to you right now.

531
00:23:12,310 --> 00:23:14,940
<i>Khansamah</i> is Urdu
for "servant."

532
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:16,610
If you want to make it at home,

533
00:23:16,900 --> 00:23:19,030
the main ingredients
are condensed milk,

534
00:23:19,110 --> 00:23:20,610
sugar, and love.

535
00:23:20,860 --> 00:23:22,610
At least,
that was my mom's recipe.

536
00:23:22,820 --> 00:23:24,950
Hey, you look like
a children's toy from Malaysia.

537
00:23:25,030 --> 00:23:25,870
Now would you all please rise

538
00:23:25,950 --> 00:23:27,370
for the Pakistani
national anthem?

539
00:23:29,910 --> 00:23:33,830
<i>Pak sarzamin shad bad.</i>

540
00:23:34,170 --> 00:23:37,590
<i>Kishwar-i hasin shad bad.</i>

541
00:23:39,300 --> 00:23:40,260
Hey.

542
00:23:40,340 --> 00:23:41,550
Hey. So, what'd you think?

543
00:23:41,630 --> 00:23:44,010
- Um, I thought it was great.
- Yeah?

544
00:23:44,090 --> 00:23:45,300
I never knew that Pakistan

545
00:23:45,390 --> 00:23:47,680
had the world's largest
irrigation system.

546
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,060
Yeah, something
like 14 million hectares

547
00:23:50,140 --> 00:23:50,980
are being irrigated.

548
00:23:51,060 --> 00:23:52,730
Like, as soon as I read that,
I was like,

549
00:23:52,810 --> 00:23:54,010
"Oh, that's going
in the show."

550
00:23:54,100 --> 00:23:55,110
- Totally.
- Hi, Emily.

551
00:23:55,190 --> 00:23:56,190
- Hey.
- Hi, guys.

552
00:23:56,270 --> 00:23:58,900
Hey. Dude, that was...
You were in the zone, man.

553
00:23:58,980 --> 00:24:00,490
That was... That was
the best one we've seen.

554
00:24:00,570 --> 00:24:04,870
Yeah, that was
so honest and good.

555
00:24:05,530 --> 00:24:07,120
And you know what
I realized halfway through?

556
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:09,080
- You're from Pakistan.
- Yes.

557
00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:10,710
- Cool, good to see you, Emily.
- Yes. Okay, bye, guys.

558
00:24:10,790 --> 00:24:12,540
- Great. Bye, guys.
- Keep up the...

559
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,960
- They seemed to like it.
- They're so nice.

560
00:24:16,710 --> 00:24:19,800
So, really, what'd you think?
Like, it's a work in progress.

561
00:24:20,050 --> 00:24:23,380
I really liked it.
I learned a lot about Pakistan

562
00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:26,010
and cricket,
all those positions.

563
00:24:26,140 --> 00:24:28,600
But I just wish that I had
learned more about you.

564
00:24:29,100 --> 00:24:30,680
- Does that make any sense?
- Yeah.

565
00:24:53,410 --> 00:24:55,580
- Hey.
- Oh, hi.

566
00:24:57,330 --> 00:24:58,540
It's 3:00 a.m.

567
00:24:58,630 --> 00:25:02,380
Is that, uh, diner
around the corner open?

568
00:25:02,710 --> 00:25:04,010
It's 24 hours.

569
00:25:04,090 --> 00:25:06,970
Why, you want an old
lemon meringue pie?

570
00:25:07,140 --> 00:25:08,720
You're so funny.

571
00:25:09,350 --> 00:25:12,970
No, actually, um, I just,
I really need to, um,

572
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:14,600
get a cup of coffee.

573
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:16,020
I can make you coffee.

574
00:25:18,020 --> 00:25:21,440
I love diner coffee.
I just love that burnt taste.

575
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:22,440
All right, I'll come with you.

576
00:25:22,530 --> 00:25:24,360
No, no, no, no, no.
No, why would you do that?

577
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:25,490
It's a bad neighborhood.

578
00:25:25,570 --> 00:25:27,030
I'm not gonna let you
go on your own.

579
00:25:27,110 --> 00:25:28,370
- Why? 'Cause I'm a woman?
- Okay.

580
00:25:28,450 --> 00:25:29,830
Seriously, that's the most
misogynous thing

581
00:25:29,910 --> 00:25:30,780
I've ever heard.

582
00:25:30,870 --> 00:25:32,250
- Why are you being so weird?
- Fuck you.

583
00:25:32,330 --> 00:25:33,790
- I'm not being weird.
- You're being so weird.

584
00:25:33,870 --> 00:25:35,750
You're being weird.
You're being so weird.

585
00:25:35,830 --> 00:25:36,880
How am I weird?
I want to sleep

586
00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:38,300
- while it's sleep time.
- This is normal.

587
00:25:38,380 --> 00:25:40,210
Girls go to get coffee
in the middle of the night.

588
00:25:40,290 --> 00:25:41,460
Have you never had
a girlfriend before?

589
00:25:41,540 --> 00:25:43,130
- This is what it's like.
- Are you okay?

590
00:25:43,210 --> 00:25:45,170
Everything is not okay.
Everything is not good.

591
00:25:45,260 --> 00:25:47,010
Hey, hey, hey.
You could tell me anything,

592
00:25:47,090 --> 00:25:47,970
you know that, right?

593
00:25:48,050 --> 00:25:49,140
You could tell me anything.

594
00:25:49,220 --> 00:25:51,180
I have to take a shit, okay?

595
00:25:53,850 --> 00:25:56,390
I have to take a huge,
fucking dookie.

596
00:25:56,560 --> 00:25:58,650
I can't poo in your bathroom

597
00:25:58,980 --> 00:26:00,230
because you don't
have any matches,

598
00:26:00,310 --> 00:26:01,570
and you don't have
any air freshener.

599
00:26:01,650 --> 00:26:02,900
What kind of person
doesn't have any matches

600
00:26:02,980 --> 00:26:04,200
or air freshener
in the bathroom?

601
00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:06,950
The walls are so thin,
and Chris is right out there.

602
00:26:07,110 --> 00:26:09,780
Please, stop laughing.
Please, please, please.

603
00:26:09,950 --> 00:26:11,830
Okay. I have an idea.

604
00:26:22,630 --> 00:26:24,960
Hey. How are you?

605
00:26:25,050 --> 00:26:27,130
I do not want to talk about it.

606
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:35,060
Watch and learn, <i>Bhai.</i>

607
00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:38,230
It's all about shifting
the weight and the torque.

608
00:26:38,810 --> 00:26:39,890
Oh, Christ.

609
00:26:40,060 --> 00:26:41,900
Oh. Okay.

610
00:26:45,860 --> 00:26:48,490
Hey, you're like
a Pakistani Sammy Sosa.

611
00:26:49,650 --> 00:26:51,820
<i>There you go, honey.
Yeah. That's it.</i>

612
00:26:51,910 --> 00:26:53,870
He's pretty good.
Just do what he's doing.

613
00:26:54,950 --> 00:26:56,200
<i>Okay, great.</i>

614
00:26:56,910 --> 00:26:57,910
Mine.

615
00:26:58,120 --> 00:26:59,420
Come on, man, just let me...

616
00:26:59,500 --> 00:27:01,580
Mine.
Mine, mine, mine, thank you.

617
00:27:01,670 --> 00:27:03,420
- Why do you get the Chana?
- You go on that... No.

618
00:27:03,500 --> 00:27:04,500
Mmm.

619
00:27:05,250 --> 00:27:06,590
This cookie's really good.

620
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:08,340
They're biscuits.
Listen to yourself.

621
00:27:08,420 --> 00:27:09,920
You hardly sound Pakistani.

622
00:27:10,180 --> 00:27:11,340
"Cookies."

623
00:27:11,590 --> 00:27:13,140
Sound like
Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

624
00:27:14,180 --> 00:27:15,390
Such a burger.

625
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:17,190
- I'm not a burger.
- Yes, you're a burger.

626
00:27:17,270 --> 00:27:18,310
- I'm not a burger.
- You're a big, fat burger.

627
00:27:18,390 --> 00:27:20,100
And biscuit is
actually a British term.

628
00:27:20,190 --> 00:27:21,400
Oh, thank you
for all the information

629
00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:22,400
I don't give a shit about.

630
00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:24,280
And you should listen to Mom
and grow a beard.

631
00:27:25,110 --> 00:27:26,650
Gets really itchy. I've tried.

632
00:27:26,730 --> 00:27:27,700
- It's all patchy.
- Oh, is it itchy?

633
00:27:27,780 --> 00:27:29,490
- I know I sound like a baby.
- Well, try being a man

634
00:27:29,570 --> 00:27:30,990
and conditioning like I do.

635
00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:32,580
What's the whole thing
with Muslims

636
00:27:32,660 --> 00:27:33,660
growing beards, anyway?

637
00:27:33,740 --> 00:27:35,120
It's such
an arbitrary thing, right?

638
00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:37,580
Like, who decided that,
"Oh, we have to have beards."

639
00:27:37,660 --> 00:27:39,540
Oh. But you'll do...
So, there's a billion of us,

640
00:27:39,620 --> 00:27:41,160
and you're the only one
with the truth.

641
00:27:41,290 --> 00:27:42,710
Is that right?

642
00:27:42,790 --> 00:27:45,210
So, the sun is just
shining down on you right now.

643
00:27:45,290 --> 00:27:47,500
It's just parting.

644
00:27:50,050 --> 00:27:53,510
You know, I have to tell
you something, <i>Bhai.</i>

645
00:27:55,140 --> 00:27:56,850
Here we go. Yeah.

646
00:27:59,310 --> 00:28:01,270
I've been dating this girl.

647
00:28:02,310 --> 00:28:03,560
- She's white.
- Oh.

648
00:28:03,730 --> 00:28:04,730
I thought you were gonna say

649
00:28:04,810 --> 00:28:06,190
you were involved
in a hit-and-run

650
00:28:06,270 --> 00:28:07,860
or you got caught
forging some checks,

651
00:28:07,940 --> 00:28:09,860
but a white girl?

652
00:28:09,940 --> 00:28:11,360
I mean, that's such a cliché.

653
00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:12,700
It's okay,
and we hate terrorists.

654
00:28:12,780 --> 00:28:14,200
- It's...
- Just... sorry.

655
00:28:16,370 --> 00:28:18,120
Listen, I understand.
You're in America,

656
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:19,490
and you want to mow a few lawns

657
00:28:19,580 --> 00:28:20,870
and see what it's like, but...

658
00:28:21,370 --> 00:28:24,540
Eventually, you have
to marry a Pakistani girl.

659
00:28:24,620 --> 00:28:25,670
Like...

660
00:28:26,290 --> 00:28:28,250
Like, I hung out
with other girls,

661
00:28:28,500 --> 00:28:30,130
but then I married Fatima.

662
00:28:30,340 --> 00:28:32,010
And we hardly spoke
two words to each other

663
00:28:32,090 --> 00:28:34,590
in the first few months,
but now, Kumi,

664
00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:36,640
- she's like my best friend.
- I know.

665
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:38,430
You have to break up with her
immediately.

666
00:28:39,890 --> 00:28:42,230
If I find someone
who's as good for me

667
00:28:42,310 --> 00:28:43,600
as Fatima is for you,

668
00:28:43,890 --> 00:28:45,350
Mom would understand, right?

669
00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:47,900
I mean, she wouldn't
love me less.

670
00:28:47,980 --> 00:28:49,520
Oh, she'd definitely
love you less.

671
00:28:50,020 --> 00:28:51,150
Slowly, it'd sort of...

672
00:28:52,110 --> 00:28:54,570
What's the word when guys
stop returning girl's calls?

673
00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:56,530
- Ghosting?
- Yes.

674
00:28:56,610 --> 00:28:59,450
You have to end it now,
or Mom will fucking ghost you.

675
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:01,290
Now, come on.

676
00:29:02,290 --> 00:29:03,540
Batting.

677
00:29:11,130 --> 00:29:13,800
I am getting, like,
a lot of bright fruit.

678
00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:15,340
I'd say it's very
fruit-forward.

679
00:29:15,430 --> 00:29:18,180
Mmm-hmm. It tastes like
grape juice that's gone bad.

680
00:29:18,260 --> 00:29:19,140
- Like...
- Yeah.

681
00:29:19,220 --> 00:29:20,580
Why do you know
so much about wine?

682
00:29:21,810 --> 00:29:24,230
Um, because,

683
00:29:24,850 --> 00:29:26,310
uh...

684
00:29:27,100 --> 00:29:29,770
I was pretty unhappy
in my first marriage,

685
00:29:29,860 --> 00:29:31,320
and I drank a lot,

686
00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:34,280
and, uh, one way to cover
drinking a lot is to just,

687
00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:35,700
like, know a lot about wine.

688
00:29:35,780 --> 00:29:37,320
Wait. I'm sorry.
What did you just say?

689
00:29:37,410 --> 00:29:39,780
That knowing a lot about wine
covers for drinking a lot.

690
00:29:39,870 --> 00:29:42,120
Uh, no, I mean
the huge piece of information

691
00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:43,880
that you're trying
to just blow right past.

692
00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:46,370
Yeah. Yeah, I was married.

693
00:29:46,460 --> 00:29:47,710
- You were married?
- Um... I was.

694
00:29:47,790 --> 00:29:48,880
I was married.

695
00:29:49,420 --> 00:29:51,840
Do you want to talk
about something else or...

696
00:29:52,210 --> 00:29:54,090
Yeah, 'cause I don't really
have any questions.

697
00:29:54,170 --> 00:29:55,340
- No.
- Other than...

698
00:29:55,470 --> 00:29:57,760
When did you get married?
When did you get divorced?

699
00:29:57,840 --> 00:29:59,590
What's his name?
How tall is he?

700
00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:00,890
Did you love him?

701
00:30:00,970 --> 00:30:02,350
I guess I have
a couple questions.

702
00:30:02,430 --> 00:30:03,430
Uh-huh.

703
00:30:04,220 --> 00:30:08,270
Um, his name was... is Ryan.

704
00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:10,020
We met in college.

705
00:30:10,900 --> 00:30:13,230
Everyone I knew was getting
married super young,

706
00:30:13,320 --> 00:30:19,490
so we did, and, um, one day
I was at a restaurant,

707
00:30:19,660 --> 00:30:22,580
and I saw
this couple making out.

708
00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:26,040
And I thought,

709
00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:28,750
"Huh. I don't think about
my husband like that.

710
00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:30,210
"But that's okay."

711
00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:32,840
And then another part
of my brain was like,

712
00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:35,590
"No, that's not okay.
This is your life."

713
00:30:36,210 --> 00:30:37,800
I feel like this is
freaking you out.

714
00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:40,180
- Is this freaking you out?
- It's not freaking me out.

715
00:30:41,890 --> 00:30:43,970
I don't want to put
pressure on you.

716
00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:46,640
And I know it's only been
a few months,

717
00:30:47,140 --> 00:30:49,560
but I just wanted to tell you,
I...

718
00:30:50,980 --> 00:30:54,020
am... overwhelmed by you.

719
00:30:55,150 --> 00:30:57,030
It's the last thing
I was expecting.

720
00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:02,780
This is also the last thing
I was expecting.

721
00:31:03,620 --> 00:31:06,870
And I also feel completely
overwhelmed by you.

722
00:31:09,540 --> 00:31:11,620
- That's a weird thing to say.
- Why?

723
00:31:11,710 --> 00:31:14,130
I just said what you said,
exactly what you said.

724
00:31:14,210 --> 00:31:16,670
Yeah, it wasn't weird
when I said it.

725
00:31:18,720 --> 00:31:21,130
- No...
- It's okay.

726
00:31:29,890 --> 00:31:31,810
So, listen, my parents are going

727
00:31:31,890 --> 00:31:34,730
- to be in town this weekend.
- Oh, that's great.

728
00:31:34,810 --> 00:31:36,850
Will you maybe want to come
and meet them for lunch?

729
00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:40,990
Oh, we can't 'cause
of the two-day rule, right?

730
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:43,740
Well, you'll come to Mary's
party Friday night, right?

731
00:31:43,820 --> 00:31:45,160
And then we'll probably
spend the night,

732
00:31:45,240 --> 00:31:47,450
so I won't be able
to see you till Monday, so...

733
00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:51,960
Okay. Well, I would love
to meet your parents.

734
00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:53,580
They live in the city, right?

735
00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:57,130
Well, they live in the suburbs,

736
00:31:57,210 --> 00:31:59,010
and, uh, you know,

737
00:31:59,090 --> 00:32:00,420
I don't really see them
very much.

738
00:32:00,720 --> 00:32:02,050
Have they asked about me?

739
00:32:02,130 --> 00:32:03,720
- What do they think?
- Oh, um...

740
00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:05,180
Do they...
Do they want to meet me?

741
00:32:05,260 --> 00:32:06,510
My parents want to meet you.

742
00:32:06,600 --> 00:32:08,560
Of course, of course.
They're dying to meet you.

743
00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:11,100
- Ow. Oh, my God.
- Whoa, you okay?

744
00:32:11,180 --> 00:32:13,060
- Yep.
- What happened?

745
00:32:13,310 --> 00:32:14,350
- Do you...
- Totally fine.

746
00:32:14,730 --> 00:32:15,560
Do you need...

747
00:32:15,650 --> 00:32:16,990
No, I think I just
tweaked my ankle.

748
00:32:17,070 --> 00:32:17,940
assistance?

749
00:32:18,020 --> 00:32:21,610
I took this stupid hip-hop
dance class last weekend.

750
00:32:21,900 --> 00:32:23,370
You should get it looked at.
Do you want ice?

751
00:32:23,450 --> 00:32:24,580
- I don't need anything.
- I can get you a bag of ice.

752
00:32:24,660 --> 00:32:26,160
Look, I'm walking on it.
I'm totally fine.

753
00:32:26,240 --> 00:32:27,870
- I can carry you.
- Kumail, seriously, stop.

754
00:32:27,950 --> 00:32:28,870
I can carry you
the rest of the day.

755
00:32:28,950 --> 00:32:29,950
Stop.

756
00:32:33,670 --> 00:32:35,500
Hey, I liked your friends.

757
00:32:36,210 --> 00:32:37,880
That Craig guy?

758
00:32:38,710 --> 00:32:39,920
Or was it Greg?

759
00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:42,220
You know, I can never tell
with those names.

760
00:32:43,130 --> 00:32:44,970
I'm glad I like him 'cause
I don't want have to, like,

761
00:32:45,050 --> 00:32:47,050
come up with excuses
to avoid him, you know?

762
00:32:47,140 --> 00:32:50,930
Like... Like, "Oh, no.
I have kite-surfing tonight."

763
00:32:51,810 --> 00:32:55,140
You know, in the UK,
Craig is pronounced Crayg,

764
00:32:55,730 --> 00:32:58,360
which is good 'cause that's
how it's written, right?

765
00:32:58,730 --> 00:33:00,980
Anyway, he's a great guy.

766
00:33:03,950 --> 00:33:05,610
I was gonna tell you about that.

767
00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:09,530
Are you judging <i>Pakistan's
Next Top Model</i> or something?

768
00:33:09,620 --> 00:33:11,990
- No.
- Seriously.

769
00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:14,040
- Who are these women?
- Okay, um...

770
00:33:14,370 --> 00:33:16,580
You know how we have
arranged marriage in my culture?

771
00:33:18,460 --> 00:33:19,750
These are those women.

772
00:33:20,380 --> 00:33:23,130
These are women in Pakistan
who want to marry you?

773
00:33:23,460 --> 00:33:24,670
They're not in Pakistan.

774
00:33:25,300 --> 00:33:26,300
You've met these women?

775
00:33:26,380 --> 00:33:29,300
Just with my parents and
stuff, but we haven't, like...

776
00:33:29,640 --> 00:33:31,720
But you're not serious
about this, are you?

777
00:33:31,810 --> 00:33:34,560
It's my mom's thing.
I just go along with it.

778
00:33:35,810 --> 00:33:38,150
So, what does your mom
think about you and me then?

779
00:33:41,820 --> 00:33:43,610
She doesn't know about me,
does she?

780
00:33:45,610 --> 00:33:46,700
No.

781
00:33:54,870 --> 00:33:56,330
- Emily, just...
- Fuck!

782
00:33:56,410 --> 00:33:57,690
Five fucking months
of red flags.

783
00:33:58,250 --> 00:33:59,500
Oh, my God, I'm so stupid.

784
00:34:01,130 --> 00:34:02,590
You ducking my parents.

785
00:34:02,880 --> 00:34:05,050
Oh, my God, the two-day rule.

786
00:34:05,130 --> 00:34:06,390
No, that had nothing
to do with it.

787
00:34:06,470 --> 00:34:08,130
Seriously.
Red flag after red flag.

788
00:34:09,470 --> 00:34:11,970
You're such a liar.
You lied to me.

789
00:34:12,050 --> 00:34:13,510
You lied to your parents.

790
00:34:14,310 --> 00:34:16,020
And those are just
the people you like.

791
00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:18,480
Is there someone that
you're not lying to?

792
00:34:18,810 --> 00:34:20,820
I'd love to meet them because
then I could tell them

793
00:34:20,900 --> 00:34:22,650
- what a fucking liar you are!
- You know what?

794
00:34:22,730 --> 00:34:24,610
You didn't tell me about
your divorce until recently.

795
00:34:24,690 --> 00:34:26,530
So, you were hiding
fucking something, too.

796
00:34:26,650 --> 00:34:30,450
My divorce does not mean
that our future is impossible.

797
00:34:30,530 --> 00:34:32,160
It actually means
the direct opposite.

798
00:34:32,370 --> 00:34:34,700
I'm not hiding anything
from you. Okay?

799
00:34:34,950 --> 00:34:36,200
I'm an open fucking book.

800
00:34:36,290 --> 00:34:38,330
You want to know
what's in my cigar box?

801
00:34:39,120 --> 00:34:40,120
Stickers.

802
00:34:40,580 --> 00:34:41,500
Stickers and stamps.

803
00:34:41,580 --> 00:34:43,260
Aren't you a therapist?
Aren't you supposed to be good

804
00:34:43,340 --> 00:34:45,660
- at handling this kind of...
- Where are my fucking shoes?

805
00:34:46,630 --> 00:34:48,840
Aren't you supposed to be,
like, able to deal with this

806
00:34:48,930 --> 00:34:50,590
better than you are right now?

807
00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:52,680
I am expressing myself!

808
00:34:55,220 --> 00:34:58,060
You know what we call arranged
marriage in Pakistan, Emily?

809
00:34:58,350 --> 00:35:01,350
Marriage. Okay?
We just call it marriage.

810
00:35:01,730 --> 00:35:02,650
There's another type
of marriage.

811
00:35:02,730 --> 00:35:04,070
It's called love marriage,
and that's bad.

812
00:35:04,150 --> 00:35:05,530
My cousin Rehan
married an Irish woman,

813
00:35:05,610 --> 00:35:07,190
and he was kicked
out of the family.

814
00:35:07,280 --> 00:35:10,240
Nobody is allowed
to talk to him.

815
00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:11,620
Why didn't you tell me
any of this?

816
00:35:11,700 --> 00:35:13,410
Because I didn't think
you'd fucking understand,

817
00:35:13,490 --> 00:35:14,830
and I was fucking right.

818
00:35:15,370 --> 00:35:16,290
You don't think that I could

819
00:35:16,370 --> 00:35:17,330
fathom your life
in any fucking way?

820
00:35:17,410 --> 00:35:18,670
Oh, you think you could
understand me?

821
00:35:18,750 --> 00:35:20,580
I'm fighting
a 1,400-year-old culture.

822
00:35:20,670 --> 00:35:22,460
You were ugly in high school.

823
00:35:22,540 --> 00:35:24,380
There's a big
fucking difference.

824
00:35:26,670 --> 00:35:27,920
I'm sorry.

825
00:35:31,340 --> 00:35:32,800
I can't lose my family.

826
00:35:38,470 --> 00:35:40,850
Can you imagine a world in w...

827
00:35:42,770 --> 00:35:44,560
In which we end up together?

828
00:35:48,820 --> 00:35:50,030
I don't know.

829
00:35:55,240 --> 00:35:56,370
I have to go.

830
00:35:57,490 --> 00:35:59,080
Don't fucking call me.

831
00:36:03,370 --> 00:36:06,500
Multigrain, pumpernickel,

832
00:36:06,710 --> 00:36:11,130
pita bread, hot dog bun,
croutons.

833
00:36:11,300 --> 00:36:12,880
I can't eat any of it.

834
00:36:14,430 --> 00:36:15,640
<i>I don't want kids.</i>

835
00:36:16,050 --> 00:36:19,430
People say, "Sam,
you're gonna love it.

836
00:36:19,640 --> 00:36:20,900
"This kid...
You're gonna have a kid,

837
00:36:20,980 --> 00:36:22,270
"he's gonna be
your best friend."

838
00:36:22,480 --> 00:36:24,230
A best friend that...

839
00:36:24,350 --> 00:36:26,480
that pukes on you
and shits everywhere

840
00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:27,610
and is constantly screaming.

841
00:36:27,690 --> 00:36:29,570
I already have friends
like that.

842
00:36:29,730 --> 00:36:31,450
People say, "Sam..."

843
00:36:31,570 --> 00:36:33,330
I know you're bummed,
all right, but, like...

844
00:36:33,650 --> 00:36:35,530
Emily's a good person.
I'm not saying she's not.

845
00:36:35,620 --> 00:36:37,120
All I'm saying is,
this is the universe

846
00:36:37,200 --> 00:36:39,450
telling you, "Seize your moment.

847
00:36:39,540 --> 00:36:41,370
"Be a little selfish
and pursue your career."

848
00:36:41,540 --> 00:36:43,250
Bob Dalavan's gonna be here
on Thursday.

849
00:36:43,330 --> 00:36:44,710
If you get the Montreal
Comedy Festival,

850
00:36:44,790 --> 00:36:46,330
it would change things for you.

851
00:36:46,830 --> 00:36:48,260
You don't want to get stuck
in Chicago, right?

852
00:36:48,340 --> 00:36:50,340
You don't want to end up
like Sam Highsmith,

853
00:36:50,420 --> 00:36:52,380
who's been doing
the "People say Sam" bit

854
00:36:52,470 --> 00:36:53,550
since '03.

855
00:36:53,630 --> 00:36:55,180
I don't like kids.

856
00:36:55,260 --> 00:36:56,840
- People say, "Sam..."
- See?

857
00:36:56,930 --> 00:36:58,140
- Is that what you want?
- It's like...

858
00:36:58,220 --> 00:36:59,480
Is that what you want
for your life?

859
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:01,890
It's amazing.
And it's the same material.

860
00:37:01,970 --> 00:37:03,520
- What do people say?
- Sam.

861
00:37:03,600 --> 00:37:04,900
- People say what?
- Sam.

862
00:37:04,980 --> 00:37:06,690
I'm Sam Highsmith.
Thank you very much.

863
00:37:06,770 --> 00:37:08,110
You know what,
I'm gonna tell him...

864
00:37:08,190 --> 00:37:09,820
- He's a hack.
- how I feel about it.

865
00:37:09,900 --> 00:37:10,900
- Fucking tell him.
- Never writes anything new.

866
00:37:10,980 --> 00:37:12,150
- I'm gonna tell him...
- It's fucking bullshit.

867
00:37:12,230 --> 00:37:13,700
- Great set, dude.
- I'm feeling it, bro.

868
00:37:13,780 --> 00:37:15,740
- Killing me, man.
- Crushing. Love the new stuff.

869
00:37:17,070 --> 00:37:18,120
We should be ashamed
of ourselves.

870
00:37:18,200 --> 00:37:19,450
We're weak. We're weak.

871
00:37:19,780 --> 00:37:21,790
<i>I wouldn't call it an obsession,</i>

872
00:37:21,870 --> 00:37:23,450
but I'm pretty good at magic.

873
00:37:23,580 --> 00:37:25,290
Yeah.

874
00:37:25,710 --> 00:37:27,330
Can you make
his belly disappear?

875
00:37:27,420 --> 00:37:29,210
- Oh.
- Come on.

876
00:37:29,290 --> 00:37:30,670
I'm too happy with my belly.

877
00:37:30,750 --> 00:37:31,800
Does anyone have a dollar?

878
00:37:32,170 --> 00:37:33,710
- I will give you something.
- Okay.

879
00:37:34,760 --> 00:37:37,050
Twenty? Big spender.

880
00:37:37,510 --> 00:37:38,970
All right. Andrew Jackson.

881
00:37:39,050 --> 00:37:41,060
Don't you think
he would look cool

882
00:37:41,140 --> 00:37:42,770
with a pair of sunglasses?

883
00:37:43,930 --> 00:37:46,100
Yeah, I really...

884
00:37:47,560 --> 00:37:50,400
- Okay. Mmm.
- Okay.

885
00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:52,400
- Oh, he's... Okay.
- Right?

886
00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:55,070
- Okay, stylish.
- Yes. Mmm-hmm.

887
00:37:55,740 --> 00:37:56,650
Okay.

888
00:37:56,740 --> 00:37:58,660
And now we sprinkle
the magic dust on.

889
00:37:58,860 --> 00:37:59,910
Just a little bit.

890
00:37:59,990 --> 00:38:01,540
Yeah, you can't do it
without the magic dust. Yeah.

891
00:38:01,620 --> 00:38:03,330
No, yeah, I need it.
All right.

892
00:38:04,620 --> 00:38:06,160
- Abracadabra.
- Okay.

893
00:38:07,250 --> 00:38:09,420
- Watching carefully.
- Mmm-hmm.

894
00:38:13,130 --> 00:38:14,170
That is amazing.

895
00:38:14,550 --> 00:38:16,630
And he does look better
with glasses.

896
00:38:16,720 --> 00:38:17,970
- Right?
- He does.

897
00:38:18,050 --> 00:38:18,880
How did you do that?

898
00:38:18,970 --> 00:38:20,760
Oh, no, a magician never
reveals her tricks.

899
00:38:21,970 --> 00:38:23,510
Here's your 20 back,
Mr. Nanjiani.

900
00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:25,980
Do you think I can use this
$20 bill now to buy something?

901
00:38:26,060 --> 00:38:27,440
It look better now, right?

902
00:38:32,400 --> 00:38:34,650
I was watching this
monster movie with my friend.

903
00:38:34,860 --> 00:38:36,300
And he turned to me,
and he was like,

904
00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:38,280
"What would you do
in that situation?"

905
00:38:39,070 --> 00:38:41,870
I'm never gonna be one
of the last guys alive.

906
00:38:42,070 --> 00:38:43,950
I'm gonna be
the first guy to die.

907
00:38:44,370 --> 00:38:47,000
I die so the other characters
get to find out

908
00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:48,750
that something weird's going on.

909
00:38:49,290 --> 00:38:51,250
I go off alone to find the cat.

910
00:38:53,590 --> 00:38:56,670
I never even find out
that there were monsters.

911
00:38:57,170 --> 00:39:00,470
To me, the plot of the movie was
we're at a research facility

912
00:39:00,550 --> 00:39:02,140
and the cat's missing!

913
00:39:02,510 --> 00:39:03,810
The end.

914
00:39:03,890 --> 00:39:06,970
Denise, this...

915
00:39:07,770 --> 00:39:09,190
is your name in Urdu.

916
00:39:09,270 --> 00:39:11,230
Wow, that is so cool.

917
00:39:12,520 --> 00:39:14,440
- Kumail?
- Hey.

918
00:39:14,520 --> 00:39:17,280
- Hey, Bob Dalavan.
- Yeah. I know you.

919
00:39:17,860 --> 00:39:21,700
Some very interesting premises
in your set tonight.

920
00:39:21,780 --> 00:39:23,200
- Oh, thanks.
- Yeah.

921
00:39:23,280 --> 00:39:24,910
I just wanted you to know.
I'm about to take off.

922
00:39:24,990 --> 00:39:27,790
But you made it to the finals
for the Montreal showcase.

923
00:39:27,870 --> 00:39:29,370
Oh, my God. Thank you.

924
00:39:29,460 --> 00:39:30,830
- You, too, Mary.
- Oh!

925
00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:32,460
- Okay.
- Okay.

926
00:39:33,000 --> 00:39:34,290
So we'll see you guys up there.

927
00:39:34,540 --> 00:39:35,720
- Yeah.
- We'll be in touch.

928
00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:38,130
- Well, what about C-Dog?
- Who's that?

929
00:39:39,090 --> 00:39:40,470
Uh, me. What about me?

930
00:39:40,550 --> 00:39:41,800
Oh, you know what?

931
00:39:43,010 --> 00:39:44,260
Funny stuff, okay?

932
00:39:49,430 --> 00:39:50,770
I'll walk you out.

933
00:39:52,900 --> 00:39:55,940
Hey, do you want
to go somewhere?

934
00:39:56,440 --> 00:39:57,940
Yeah, let's go somewhere.

935
00:40:16,630 --> 00:40:17,630
Hello?

936
00:40:17,840 --> 00:40:19,380
<i>Kumail, it's Jessie.</i>

937
00:40:20,590 --> 00:40:21,800
Hey. Who?

938
00:40:22,090 --> 00:40:24,050
<i>Jessie.
I'm in school with Emily.</i>

939
00:40:24,300 --> 00:40:25,390
<i>Listen, Emily's in the hospital.</i>

940
00:40:25,470 --> 00:40:26,950
<i>She has a really bad flu
or something.</i>

941
00:40:27,640 --> 00:40:28,470
What?

942
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:30,060
<i>Could you just go, please?</i>

943
00:40:30,140 --> 00:40:32,270
<i>We need someone there.
We have exams tomorrow,</i>

944
00:40:32,350 --> 00:40:33,940
<i>so nobody else can go.</i>

945
00:40:34,190 --> 00:40:35,440
<i>She's still in the ER.</i>

946
00:40:35,770 --> 00:40:36,980
<i>Could you just go
and sit with her,</i>

947
00:40:37,060 --> 00:40:38,300
<i>and then drive her home, please?</i>

948
00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:39,900
<i>I was there
for as long as I could,</i>

949
00:40:39,980 --> 00:40:41,320
<i>but I had to leave.</i>

950
00:40:54,920 --> 00:40:57,290
Hi. I'm looking
for Emily Gardner.

951
00:40:58,460 --> 00:41:01,550
Um... Emily Gardner.
She was checked in...

952
00:41:30,910 --> 00:41:31,910
Hey.

953
00:41:34,210 --> 00:41:35,330
What are you doing here?

954
00:41:35,410 --> 00:41:36,960
Um, Jessie called me

955
00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:40,540
and wanted me to make sure
you were okay.

956
00:41:43,800 --> 00:41:44,970
- So how are you doing?
- Fine.

957
00:41:45,050 --> 00:41:46,880
I'm totally fine.
Never been better.

958
00:41:46,970 --> 00:41:48,590
A 1,000% fine.

959
00:41:48,970 --> 00:41:51,220
Just, like, fainted a little
at work.

960
00:41:52,010 --> 00:41:53,470
I didn't have breakfast
this morning.

961
00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:56,600
Breakfast, the most important
meal of the day.

962
00:41:56,690 --> 00:41:57,690
You know that.

963
00:41:59,190 --> 00:42:01,900
Ms. Gardner, your room
will be ready soon, okay?

964
00:42:01,980 --> 00:42:03,980
Oh, no, no, actually,
I would just love to go home

965
00:42:04,070 --> 00:42:05,110
and sleep in my own bed.

966
00:42:05,190 --> 00:42:07,570
Sir, can you step outside
for a moment, please?

967
00:42:08,320 --> 00:42:10,410
If you want to stay, you have
to go to the security desk

968
00:42:10,490 --> 00:42:11,330
and get a pass.

969
00:42:11,410 --> 00:42:12,890
All right.
Where is the security desk?

970
00:42:13,080 --> 00:42:14,700
It's downstairs,

971
00:42:15,160 --> 00:42:17,540
exactly where you walked in
at the security desk.

972
00:42:18,170 --> 00:42:21,090
The security desk is
at the security desk. Got it.

973
00:42:23,050 --> 00:42:24,290
Can I get you something?

974
00:42:24,420 --> 00:42:27,590
Water? Juice? Coffee?

975
00:42:30,930 --> 00:42:32,550
May I speak with you
for a second?

976
00:42:34,520 --> 00:42:35,560
I'll be right back.

977
00:42:37,770 --> 00:42:39,690
There's a massive infection
in her lungs,

978
00:42:39,770 --> 00:42:41,270
and all her vitals are elevated.

979
00:42:41,520 --> 00:42:42,980
Does she have HIV?

980
00:42:43,650 --> 00:42:45,150
What? No. I mean, she...

981
00:42:45,230 --> 00:42:47,440
- Are you her husband?
- No.

982
00:42:47,610 --> 00:42:49,070
Oh, we need to intubate her
immediately.

983
00:42:49,150 --> 00:42:50,570
I need a family member
to sign this.

984
00:42:50,660 --> 00:42:53,120
So I'm gonna ask you again,
are you her husband?

985
00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:54,740
What does, uh, "intubate" mean?

986
00:42:54,990 --> 00:42:56,670
We have to put her
on a respirator, and to do that,

987
00:42:56,750 --> 00:42:58,790
we need to put her
in a medically-induced coma.

988
00:43:00,500 --> 00:43:01,960
- Coma?
- Yes.

989
00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:04,250
To stabilize her so we can
work on the infection.

990
00:43:04,340 --> 00:43:06,170
And it needs to happen
right now.

991
00:43:06,260 --> 00:43:08,840
So, I'm gonna ask you
one last time,

992
00:43:09,170 --> 00:43:11,050
are you her husband?

993
00:43:18,640 --> 00:43:19,980
What's going on?

994
00:43:20,350 --> 00:43:22,560
- What's going on?
- You're gonna be okay.

995
00:43:22,650 --> 00:43:24,450
- Just relax and...
- Where are you taking me?

996
00:43:36,330 --> 00:43:37,870
You should call her family.

997
00:44:02,940 --> 00:44:04,350
Sorry.

998
00:44:22,750 --> 00:44:24,370
Hey, Mrs. Gardner, um,

999
00:44:24,460 --> 00:44:26,210
this is Kumail, Emily's friend.

1000
00:44:26,290 --> 00:44:28,210
Uh, sorry to call you so late.

1001
00:44:28,380 --> 00:44:30,260
Um, Emily's... Emily's fine.

1002
00:44:30,340 --> 00:44:32,510
Just want to get that
taken care of. She's fine.

1003
00:44:32,630 --> 00:44:36,050
Um, she is at City View
Hospital in Chicago

1004
00:44:36,760 --> 00:44:37,890
in a medically-induced coma,

1005
00:44:37,970 --> 00:44:39,430
but the doctors say that all...

1006
00:44:41,180 --> 00:44:42,730
Yes, I did say "coma."

1007
00:45:31,400 --> 00:45:33,610
Hey. I'm Kumail.

1008
00:45:37,070 --> 00:45:38,410
We know who you are, Kumail.

1009
00:45:38,820 --> 00:45:40,160
Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,

1010
00:45:40,240 --> 00:45:41,950
the doctors would like
to see you now.

1011
00:45:43,200 --> 00:45:44,620
I'll be right back.

1012
00:45:55,760 --> 00:45:57,890
Uh, listen, the doctor
will be here any minute.

1013
00:45:57,970 --> 00:45:59,510
She's just running
a little late.

1014
00:46:00,800 --> 00:46:03,270
Don't read anything into this
being the bereavement room.

1015
00:46:03,600 --> 00:46:05,230
It's the only room
we had available.

1016
00:46:05,430 --> 00:46:07,730
- Okay. Thank you. Okay.
- Okay.

1017
00:46:18,820 --> 00:46:20,700
- Terry, Terry, I... I...
- It's...

1018
00:46:20,780 --> 00:46:22,780
- It's driving me insane.
- Yes, I know, I know,

1019
00:46:22,870 --> 00:46:23,990
but it makes me feel better.

1020
00:46:25,160 --> 00:46:26,290
I just...

1021
00:46:27,210 --> 00:46:29,920
Hello. No. Please sit.
Please sit.

1022
00:46:30,210 --> 00:46:33,000
I'm Dr. Cunningham,
Emily's attending.

1023
00:46:33,550 --> 00:46:35,260
I'll be coordinating
all the doctors

1024
00:46:35,340 --> 00:46:37,380
and orchestrating
her treatment strategy.

1025
00:46:37,670 --> 00:46:39,220
All the doctors?
How many are there?

1026
00:46:39,300 --> 00:46:40,590
- Five.
- Five?

1027
00:46:40,930 --> 00:46:42,770
Why so many? I mean, is that...
is that normal?

1028
00:46:42,850 --> 00:46:45,180
Yes. It's standard
for patients in the ICU.

1029
00:46:45,600 --> 00:46:47,020
We come at it
from many angles, we confer...

1030
00:46:47,100 --> 00:46:47,940
<i>After assessing her,</i>

1031
00:46:48,020 --> 00:46:50,270
we immediately initiated
orotracheal intubation.

1032
00:46:50,350 --> 00:46:52,230
Thankfully, it hasn't affected
her heart at this point.

1033
00:46:52,310 --> 00:46:54,350
We don't know the exact
nature of the infection yet,

1034
00:46:54,650 --> 00:46:56,570
but we got her on a broad
spectrum of antibiotics.

1035
00:46:56,650 --> 00:46:57,820
battling critical infection

1036
00:46:57,900 --> 00:46:59,280
centering around
the costodiaphragmatic recess.

1037
00:46:59,360 --> 00:47:01,410
Our theory
is methicillin-resistant

1038
00:47:01,490 --> 00:47:02,450
staphylococcus aureus.

1039
00:47:02,530 --> 00:47:03,750
Staphyl...
Hold on. That's a "P"?

1040
00:47:03,830 --> 00:47:04,660
Yeah.

1041
00:47:04,740 --> 00:47:05,620
That's an "F" or a "P-H"?

1042
00:47:05,700 --> 00:47:07,250
P-H. No.
It's staphylococcus...

1043
00:47:17,760 --> 00:47:19,720
That was very reassuring,
wasn't it?

1044
00:47:22,090 --> 00:47:25,310
Apparently, there are good
and bad comas,

1045
00:47:25,390 --> 00:47:28,060
and the kind
that they put her in,

1046
00:47:28,140 --> 00:47:29,980
the medically-induced coma,
are definitely, like,

1047
00:47:30,060 --> 00:47:31,770
the good kind of coma.

1048
00:47:37,150 --> 00:47:40,320
Like... You know how
there are good and bad carbs?

1049
00:47:46,660 --> 00:47:48,830
Gremlins.
Those can be good or bad.

1050
00:47:48,910 --> 00:47:50,580
Listen, Kumail... Uh...

1051
00:47:52,000 --> 00:47:54,460
We're gonna handle things
from here, okay?

1052
00:47:54,540 --> 00:47:55,750
You've been very helpful.

1053
00:47:56,290 --> 00:47:59,170
Thank you for...
For signing the thing, and...

1054
00:47:59,260 --> 00:48:00,470
Yeah, my pleasure.

1055
00:48:00,550 --> 00:48:02,090
But, uh, you can go now.

1056
00:48:03,220 --> 00:48:05,100
- Okay. Um...
- All right?

1057
00:48:05,350 --> 00:48:06,350
All right.

1058
00:48:09,100 --> 00:48:10,560
Peace in the Mideast.

1059
00:48:17,520 --> 00:48:18,490
What about this?

1060
00:48:18,570 --> 00:48:20,440
I saw a sniffer dog
at the airport.

1061
00:48:20,690 --> 00:48:21,820
He had a boner.

1062
00:48:21,900 --> 00:48:23,780
Does that mean drugs or bombs?

1063
00:48:24,660 --> 00:48:25,660
That's good. What if...

1064
00:48:25,740 --> 00:48:27,450
What if instead of it
being at the airport,

1065
00:48:27,830 --> 00:48:30,580
you quit comedy and never
do comedy ever again?

1066
00:48:30,660 --> 00:48:31,500
Yeah.

1067
00:48:31,580 --> 00:48:32,870
Fuck you!
It's a good bit.

1068
00:48:32,960 --> 00:48:33,790
That's a funny bit.

1069
00:48:33,870 --> 00:48:35,420
Just for the sake of the public
that they wouldn't have

1070
00:48:35,500 --> 00:48:37,300
to look at your face
or hear your words. That's...

1071
00:48:37,380 --> 00:48:39,170
Hey, it's okay
that I'm not there, right?

1072
00:48:40,420 --> 00:48:43,220
Like... I don't need
to be there, right?

1073
00:48:43,630 --> 00:48:44,840
What's up? What happened?

1074
00:48:45,220 --> 00:48:46,800
He put his girlfriend in a coma.

1075
00:48:46,890 --> 00:48:48,060
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

1076
00:48:48,260 --> 00:48:50,140
- You know, the way you do.
- She's not my girlfriend.

1077
00:48:50,220 --> 00:48:51,400
He didn't, but he signed

1078
00:48:51,480 --> 00:48:53,890
a paper that allowed doctors
to put...

1079
00:48:54,270 --> 00:48:55,270
He suggested it.

1080
00:48:55,560 --> 00:48:56,610
She's gonna be fine.

1081
00:48:56,690 --> 00:48:58,780
She's gonna be fine. They said
she's gonna be fine, so...

1082
00:48:58,860 --> 00:49:01,030
They're gonna be fine.
Doctors know medical stuff.

1083
00:49:01,110 --> 00:49:02,030
Mmm-hmm.

1084
00:49:02,110 --> 00:49:03,950
That's what doctors do.
They're good at medical stuff.

1085
00:49:04,030 --> 00:49:05,950
This is a medically-induced
coma.

1086
00:49:06,030 --> 00:49:07,490
This is their specialty.

1087
00:49:07,570 --> 00:49:08,450
Maybe.

1088
00:49:08,530 --> 00:49:09,790
You know,
it might be a good thing.

1089
00:49:09,870 --> 00:49:11,420
Like, she might wake up
with a new skill.

1090
00:49:11,500 --> 00:49:13,410
Like, my cousin, uh,
blacked out once, and then,

1091
00:49:13,500 --> 00:49:15,750
when he came to, he thought
he knew a different language.

1092
00:49:16,170 --> 00:49:17,880
- Did he?
- No. Apparently, it was...

1093
00:49:17,960 --> 00:49:19,670
It was just gibberish
that he made up.

1094
00:49:19,750 --> 00:49:20,960
It was brain damage.

1095
00:49:24,380 --> 00:49:25,840
I got another Taco Bell one.

1096
00:49:42,690 --> 00:49:43,820
Did you forget somethin'?

1097
00:49:44,900 --> 00:49:46,860
- Is she up yet?
- No, she's not.

1098
00:49:46,950 --> 00:49:48,910
And, uh, they won't
tell us anything.

1099
00:49:49,780 --> 00:49:51,370
We've been here all morning.

1100
00:49:52,330 --> 00:49:54,660
I know you guys said
that you don't need me to stay,

1101
00:49:54,750 --> 00:49:56,830
but I think I'm just
gonna wait anyway.

1102
00:49:56,920 --> 00:49:58,000
You guys broke up.

1103
00:49:58,080 --> 00:50:00,920
I'm not sure why you're here.

1104
00:50:03,590 --> 00:50:05,170
You don't have to worry

1105
00:50:05,260 --> 00:50:06,900
about being committed
to anything, Kumail.

1106
00:50:07,090 --> 00:50:08,510
You didn't want to
when she was awake.

1107
00:50:08,590 --> 00:50:10,890
There's no need to do it
when she's unconscious.

1108
00:50:11,350 --> 00:50:13,060
It's more complicated than that.

1109
00:50:13,140 --> 00:50:15,730
Is it? 'Cause I know
about the two-day rule.

1110
00:50:16,430 --> 00:50:18,560
I know about the head shots
and the secrets.

1111
00:50:19,190 --> 00:50:20,520
She tells us everything.

1112
00:50:20,860 --> 00:50:23,780
You really don't
have to stay, Kumail.

1113
00:50:23,860 --> 00:50:26,360
You have already done a lot.

1114
00:50:28,280 --> 00:50:30,070
I'm just gonna stay
for a second.

1115
00:50:32,620 --> 00:50:34,660
Is this seat... Okay.

1116
00:50:51,300 --> 00:50:53,810
Is... Is that lady
still looking at me?

1117
00:50:59,480 --> 00:51:00,650
Oh. Hey.

1118
00:51:06,820 --> 00:51:09,110
<i>Mr. Cuevas,
please see Dr. Toscado.</i>

1119
00:51:09,820 --> 00:51:11,780
<i>Mr. Cuevas,
please see Dr. Toscado.</i>

1120
00:51:12,370 --> 00:51:13,330
Yeah.

1121
00:51:13,410 --> 00:51:15,790
Yeah, come on.
There's no reason, uh...

1122
00:51:16,790 --> 00:51:18,960
Should eat there by yourself,
right, hon?

1123
00:51:19,330 --> 00:51:20,580
It's a free country.

1124
00:51:26,960 --> 00:51:28,130
How's your sandwich?

1125
00:51:28,800 --> 00:51:30,510
Best fuckin' sandwich
I ever had.

1126
00:51:33,430 --> 00:51:34,720
Mine's good.

1127
00:51:36,010 --> 00:51:38,140
Tuna's always a gamble, but,

1128
00:51:38,770 --> 00:51:39,980
you know,
we're not by the water.

1129
00:51:40,060 --> 00:51:42,690
Well, we are by the water.
But it's a lake.

1130
00:51:43,940 --> 00:51:45,570
There's no tuna in the lake.

1131
00:51:47,530 --> 00:51:49,900
Whatever.
I... I threw the dice.

1132
00:51:51,400 --> 00:51:54,240
I got the sevens, I guess.

1133
00:51:54,410 --> 00:51:56,410
Whatever... Whatever
the good dice number is.

1134
00:51:57,040 --> 00:51:58,200
So, uh...

1135
00:51:59,410 --> 00:52:00,620
9/11.

1136
00:52:03,710 --> 00:52:04,830
No, I mean...

1137
00:52:05,290 --> 00:52:07,670
I've always wanted
to have a conversation with...

1138
00:52:08,210 --> 00:52:09,210
About it.

1139
00:52:09,340 --> 00:52:13,300
With... people.

1140
00:52:14,140 --> 00:52:16,510
You've never talked
to people about 9/11?

1141
00:52:16,850 --> 00:52:19,470
No, what's your...
What's your stance?

1142
00:52:20,770 --> 00:52:22,770
What's my stance on 9/11?

1143
00:52:23,560 --> 00:52:25,020
Oh, um...

1144
00:52:26,730 --> 00:52:27,730
Anti.

1145
00:52:28,320 --> 00:52:29,610
It was a tragedy.

1146
00:52:30,820 --> 00:52:33,070
I mean,
we lost 19 of our best guys.

1147
00:52:33,360 --> 00:52:34,490
Huh?

1148
00:52:36,700 --> 00:52:38,410
That was a joke.
Obviously.

1149
00:52:39,120 --> 00:52:41,120
9/11 was a terrible tragedy,

1150
00:52:41,830 --> 00:52:44,460
and it's not funny
to joke about it.

1151
00:52:44,540 --> 00:52:46,920
<i>Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,</i>

1152
00:52:47,000 --> 00:52:48,750
<i>please report to the ICU.</i>

1153
00:52:49,460 --> 00:52:50,880
<i>Mr. and Mrs. Gardner...</i>

1154
00:52:50,960 --> 00:52:52,920
- All right. Come on.
<i>- To the ICU. Thank you.</i>

1155
00:52:53,010 --> 00:52:54,130
Hey, can I come?

1156
00:52:54,220 --> 00:52:55,430
- No.
- Yeah.

1157
00:52:56,390 --> 00:52:57,510
Yeah.

1158
00:52:58,390 --> 00:52:59,600
Whatever.

1159
00:53:00,600 --> 00:53:01,930
Hello, come in.

1160
00:53:02,140 --> 00:53:03,560
Please, have a seat.

1161
00:53:09,650 --> 00:53:11,530
I know this isn't the news
you were hoping for,

1162
00:53:11,860 --> 00:53:14,070
but we aren't ready to bring
Emily out of the coma yet.

1163
00:53:14,150 --> 00:53:15,150
Oh.

1164
00:53:15,490 --> 00:53:17,320
Why? Uh, what happened?

1165
00:53:17,410 --> 00:53:19,500
The antibiotics aren't doing
what we'd hoped they would,

1166
00:53:19,580 --> 00:53:20,910
and we don't want
to mess around,

1167
00:53:21,080 --> 00:53:23,120
so tomorrow morning,
we're gonna perform surgery

1168
00:53:23,200 --> 00:53:24,210
to remove the infection.

1169
00:53:24,290 --> 00:53:26,210
Oh, wait one second.

1170
00:53:26,290 --> 00:53:29,090
Dr. Spellman told us that
the antibiotics would work.

1171
00:53:29,170 --> 00:53:30,000
Yeah.

1172
00:53:30,090 --> 00:53:31,970
I mean, he didn't say
anything at all about surgery.

1173
00:53:32,050 --> 00:53:34,090
So what does that mean?
Surgery? What kind of surgery?

1174
00:53:34,170 --> 00:53:36,630
It's called thoracentesis.
It's a very common procedure.

1175
00:53:36,720 --> 00:53:40,060
We're gonna go in between the
ribs and remove the infection.

1176
00:53:40,140 --> 00:53:41,980
How do you spell that,
please? And what is it?

1177
00:53:42,060 --> 00:53:43,230
What's the name?
What's the last part?

1178
00:53:43,310 --> 00:53:44,600
- Thora...
- And the infection is... is...

1179
00:53:44,680 --> 00:53:45,690
- On the lung.
- "Thora" what? "Thora" what?

1180
00:53:45,770 --> 00:53:46,640
- And we're going to remove it.
- What is it?

1181
00:53:46,730 --> 00:53:49,150
Thoracentesis.
C-E-N-T-E-S-I-S.

1182
00:53:49,230 --> 00:53:50,990
- And what's the risk?
- It's a common thing

1183
00:53:51,070 --> 00:53:52,490
- that they do?
- Low. Yes.

1184
00:53:52,570 --> 00:53:53,650
My advice to you

1185
00:53:54,320 --> 00:53:57,030
is that you go home,
you get something to eat,

1186
00:53:57,660 --> 00:53:59,070
and try to relax.

1187
00:54:26,480 --> 00:54:28,100
She left the lights on, huh?

1188
00:54:29,940 --> 00:54:31,650
My favorite sweater.

1189
00:54:37,150 --> 00:54:39,530
- I'm gonna do some research.
- Oh, hey.

1190
00:54:39,610 --> 00:54:41,120
That's the book I gave her.

1191
00:54:41,740 --> 00:54:42,990
No, I gave her that one.

1192
00:54:43,080 --> 00:54:45,790
Hey, do you have that little
notebook from the doctor's?

1193
00:54:47,460 --> 00:54:48,880
- This is the book I gave her.
- Uh...

1194
00:54:48,960 --> 00:54:50,840
I'm just gonna clean up
Emily's room real quick.

1195
00:54:50,920 --> 00:54:52,130
No, I... I remember.

1196
00:54:52,210 --> 00:54:53,920
I met her at the Falafel place,

1197
00:54:54,000 --> 00:54:55,590
and then we went
to that bookstore

1198
00:54:55,670 --> 00:54:57,760
that's hardly ever open,
and I bought it for her.

1199
00:54:57,840 --> 00:54:59,880
You're not the only one
who gives her things.

1200
00:54:59,970 --> 00:55:00,970
What's up with you?

1201
00:55:01,050 --> 00:55:02,350
I'm just tired of you thinking

1202
00:55:02,430 --> 00:55:03,600
you're the only one
who gives her things.

1203
00:55:03,680 --> 00:55:04,760
I gave her that book.

1204
00:55:05,180 --> 00:55:08,520
- Look at the inscription.
- No. No, that's stupid.

1205
00:55:39,920 --> 00:55:41,260
- Hey, uh, Kumail.
- Hey.

1206
00:55:42,140 --> 00:55:43,720
Oh. Hey. Sorry.

1207
00:55:43,890 --> 00:55:45,140
Didn't mean to surprise you.

1208
00:55:45,850 --> 00:55:47,600
I was just wondering,
are we gonna do anything?

1209
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:49,930
- You got any parlor games?
- I... I don't...

1210
00:55:50,020 --> 00:55:51,230
What are parlor games?

1211
00:55:51,560 --> 00:55:53,480
Card games.
Word games.

1212
00:55:53,770 --> 00:55:54,860
Play any word games?

1213
00:55:54,940 --> 00:55:56,980
- Um, no, I've never...
- You ever play...

1214
00:55:57,780 --> 00:56:00,240
- You Can't Rhyme It?
- How does that go?

1215
00:56:00,610 --> 00:56:02,280
It's... Eh, basically,
you know,

1216
00:56:02,450 --> 00:56:04,490
you try to find out a word,
a real word,

1217
00:56:04,570 --> 00:56:06,410
- that nobody can rhyme.
- Okay.

1218
00:56:06,740 --> 00:56:07,830
- And then...
- Stonehenge.

1219
00:56:10,040 --> 00:56:11,330
Yeah, see, you would win.

1220
00:56:11,410 --> 00:56:12,890
- Ah. Hmm.
- Yeah. That'd be a winner.

1221
00:56:13,960 --> 00:56:15,960
I don't play board games.
I play, like...

1222
00:56:16,670 --> 00:56:18,170
- I play video games.
- That's the thing.

1223
00:56:18,250 --> 00:56:20,050
Everybody now needs, like,
you know, a Nintendo.

1224
00:56:20,130 --> 00:56:22,680
A game thing. The thing.
Electronics. $1,000.

1225
00:56:22,970 --> 00:56:25,260
When I was a kid,
piece of chalk and a pavement,

1226
00:56:25,350 --> 00:56:26,720
and that's your entertainment.

1227
00:56:26,850 --> 00:56:28,720
Hopscotch. Tic-tac-toe.

1228
00:56:29,020 --> 00:56:30,660
Throw the chalk at Jimmy.

1229
00:56:30,890 --> 00:56:32,440
There you go.
Three games right there.

1230
00:56:32,520 --> 00:56:33,650
Jimmy was a real guy?

1231
00:56:33,730 --> 00:56:36,020
Yeah, well, I mean,
there was no particular Jimmy.

1232
00:56:36,110 --> 00:56:37,440
You know, whoever got hit
with the chalk,

1233
00:56:37,520 --> 00:56:39,280
he was the Jimmy.

1234
00:56:39,360 --> 00:56:40,360
Uh...

1235
00:56:40,650 --> 00:56:43,240
I'm just trying to figure out,
you know, what to do.

1236
00:56:43,320 --> 00:56:45,370
Yeah. I...
Tonight's no good for me.

1237
00:56:45,450 --> 00:56:46,740
I'd love to, but, um...

1238
00:56:47,280 --> 00:56:51,000
I'm actually, uh...
I'm actually gigging tonight,

1239
00:56:51,080 --> 00:56:52,870
which is, like,
an industry word we use

1240
00:56:52,960 --> 00:56:55,210
for when we do,
like, shows and stuff, so...

1241
00:56:55,290 --> 00:56:56,880
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1242
00:56:56,960 --> 00:56:59,500
There's a big Montreal Comedy
Festival audition coming up,

1243
00:56:59,590 --> 00:57:02,670
and, um... I'm actually
headlining tonight, so, yeah.

1244
00:57:02,970 --> 00:57:04,010
Oh, wow. Hey.

1245
00:57:04,090 --> 00:57:05,640
I should... I should...
Run on out.

1246
00:57:05,720 --> 00:57:07,350
Wow, that's cool. I haven't
been to a comedy club since...

1247
00:57:07,430 --> 00:57:09,760
Oh, boy.
Since the '80s, right?

1248
00:57:09,850 --> 00:57:11,560
Rita Rudner over at Caroline's.

1249
00:57:11,640 --> 00:57:13,560
- Remember that, hon?
- Christ. I...

1250
00:57:13,640 --> 00:57:16,980
A pleural effusion
of the empyema.

1251
00:57:17,150 --> 00:57:18,610
Maybe we should go, huh?

1252
00:57:18,690 --> 00:57:20,280
Maybe we should go to Kumail's
show. What do you think?

1253
00:57:20,360 --> 00:57:21,860
- Wouldn't that be fun?
- Oh, my God!

1254
00:57:22,280 --> 00:57:25,200
- These... pictures are horrible.
- Okay, listen.

1255
00:57:25,280 --> 00:57:26,780
Why don't we go
to the comedy club with him?

1256
00:57:26,860 --> 00:57:28,950
And this... It'll take our
mind off of things right now.

1257
00:57:29,030 --> 00:57:31,080
I don't want
to take my mind off it, Terry.

1258
00:57:31,330 --> 00:57:33,000
Our daughter's having
surgery tomorrow.

1259
00:57:33,080 --> 00:57:34,040
Please.

1260
00:57:34,120 --> 00:57:35,960
- That's a fair point.
- Please, please listen.

1261
00:57:36,330 --> 00:57:37,580
I need the distraction.

1262
00:57:38,080 --> 00:57:39,670
- Well, then why don't you go?
- No.

1263
00:57:39,750 --> 00:57:41,000
I want you to come with me.

1264
00:57:41,210 --> 00:57:42,210
I don't want to go alone.

1265
00:57:43,920 --> 00:57:46,970
Okay.
But I'm bringing my iPad.

1266
00:57:47,050 --> 00:57:48,300
Ah, it's sold out.

1267
00:57:48,760 --> 00:57:50,220
I should have said it

1268
00:57:50,310 --> 00:57:52,850
before you guys
had the whole discussion.

1269
00:57:53,140 --> 00:57:54,480
It sold out, like,
super quickly.

1270
00:57:54,560 --> 00:57:56,270
They were shocked
at how quickly it sold out.

1271
00:57:56,350 --> 00:57:58,730
- Like...
- Well, you can get us in.

1272
00:57:59,520 --> 00:58:01,320
You're the headliner, right?
That's what you said.

1273
00:58:01,400 --> 00:58:02,400
I mean, if you're the headliner,

1274
00:58:02,480 --> 00:58:03,360
you can get two more in, right?

1275
00:58:03,440 --> 00:58:05,190
- That's a good point.
- Yeah.

1276
00:58:05,950 --> 00:58:08,030
We'll sit in the back, right?
We'll sit in the back.

1277
00:58:08,160 --> 00:58:09,320
They got food there?

1278
00:58:09,660 --> 00:58:12,200
Yeah, they've got
waffle fries and, um...

1279
00:58:12,620 --> 00:58:13,700
Yeah.

1280
00:58:16,160 --> 00:58:17,590
The hospital
had the waffle fries, too.

1281
00:58:17,670 --> 00:58:18,670
Right.

1282
00:58:20,540 --> 00:58:22,920
I... I actually have
never been to Pakistan.

1283
00:58:23,000 --> 00:58:24,430
My parents moved here
for grad school,

1284
00:58:24,510 --> 00:58:26,050
and then they just stayed here.

1285
00:58:26,510 --> 00:58:27,840
I've never even been to Canada.

1286
00:58:30,640 --> 00:58:33,560
So, um, when is Kumail coming?

1287
00:58:33,640 --> 00:58:35,430
He's coming.
Right, NAVEED?

1288
00:58:35,680 --> 00:58:37,100
- Ah. Huh.
- Traffic.

1289
00:58:37,190 --> 00:58:39,650
I heard there's, uh,
bumper-to-bumper traffic

1290
00:58:39,730 --> 00:58:41,110
on the Dan Ryan Expressway.

1291
00:58:41,190 --> 00:58:42,820
- That's weird, because...
- You know, rush hour.

1292
00:58:42,900 --> 00:58:45,190
I took the Dan Ryan
Expressway here.

1293
00:58:48,280 --> 00:58:50,700
What is your dad's sister's

1294
00:58:50,990 --> 00:58:54,040
favorite kind of music
to dance to?

1295
00:58:54,370 --> 00:58:56,460
- Emily's parents are here.
- Aunts, aunts, aunts, aunts.

1296
00:58:56,540 --> 00:58:58,250
- Tonight? Why?
- Get it? 'Cause it's "aunt."

1297
00:58:58,330 --> 00:58:59,540
It's "aunts." It's "aunts."

1298
00:58:59,620 --> 00:59:00,960
All right, forget it.
All right.

1299
00:59:02,000 --> 00:59:03,440
Uh, is anybody here
from out of town?

1300
00:59:04,880 --> 00:59:06,170
All right, a few, a few.

1301
00:59:06,300 --> 00:59:07,760
What's your name, sir?

1302
00:59:08,170 --> 00:59:09,180
Uh, Terry.

1303
00:59:09,340 --> 00:59:11,430
Terry. And, uh, who's this
lovely lady next to you?

1304
00:59:11,510 --> 00:59:13,050
Oh, my God.
That's Emily's dad.

1305
00:59:13,140 --> 00:59:14,850
Is that cloth?
Little terry cloth?

1306
00:59:14,930 --> 00:59:16,890
It's Beth.

1307
00:59:16,970 --> 00:59:18,810
Beth. That's pretty close.

1308
00:59:18,890 --> 00:59:20,100
Why would he do this?

1309
00:59:20,190 --> 00:59:21,520
Terry, Beth,
where you guys from?

1310
00:59:21,600 --> 00:59:24,440
- We're from North Carolina.
- Ooh.

1311
00:59:24,520 --> 00:59:27,110
North Carolina.
Tar Heel state.

1312
00:59:27,190 --> 00:59:28,360
- Stop. Stop it.
- Oh.

1313
00:59:28,440 --> 00:59:30,640
Home of Krispy Kreme donuts.
What brings you to Chicago?

1314
00:59:31,740 --> 00:59:32,990
Our daughter's in a coma.

1315
00:59:39,910 --> 00:59:42,250
Yeah, uh, how... What, uh...
Where are you from?

1316
00:59:44,500 --> 00:59:45,920
Okay, it's getting late.

1317
00:59:46,000 --> 00:59:47,340
- I should go.
- No, no, no.

1318
00:59:47,420 --> 00:59:48,840
<i>- Betho, betho.</i> He will be here.
- Hold on, hold on.

1319
00:59:48,920 --> 00:59:50,960
I think I should call him up.
I'll just call him up.

1320
00:59:51,050 --> 00:59:52,340
Hello? <i>Kum-beta?</i>

1321
00:59:52,970 --> 00:59:54,220
What do you mean, who's calling?

1322
00:59:54,300 --> 00:59:55,430
This is your father.

1323
00:59:56,060 --> 00:59:57,220
Okay, okay, okay.

1324
00:59:57,890 --> 00:59:59,020
He will be here any moment.

1325
01:00:04,520 --> 01:00:07,150
I... I think I should
make something clear. Um...

1326
01:00:37,390 --> 01:00:39,850
I want to name my kid Void,

1327
01:00:40,180 --> 01:00:42,770
so he won't be able to cash
any of his paychecks.

1328
01:00:44,350 --> 01:00:46,690
"I'm sorry, sir,
this says 'Void' on it."

1329
01:00:47,110 --> 01:00:49,070
"But that's my name.

1330
01:00:49,690 --> 01:00:52,030
"Curse you, Father!"

1331
01:00:53,200 --> 01:00:55,110
I work on the second floor
of the bank

1332
01:00:56,570 --> 01:00:59,740
- in this fantasy scenario.
- Go back to ISIS.

1333
01:00:59,990 --> 01:01:02,150
Did he just say that?

1334
01:01:02,870 --> 01:01:04,460
Toast is a really strange food.

1335
01:01:04,540 --> 01:01:05,630
What... What did you just say?

1336
01:01:05,710 --> 01:01:06,750
You put bread,
and you make it...

1337
01:01:06,830 --> 01:01:08,030
It was nothing.
Come on.

1338
01:01:08,250 --> 01:01:10,380
I said he should
go back to ISIS.

1339
01:01:12,550 --> 01:01:14,100
- Toast is the only food...
- No, I mean,

1340
01:01:14,180 --> 01:01:16,090
that is a really confusing
position.

1341
01:01:16,180 --> 01:01:18,050
I mean, do you want
ISIS to have more people?

1342
01:01:18,260 --> 01:01:19,640
No, I was saying that...

1343
01:01:19,720 --> 01:01:21,800
Guess what, everybody?
We got an ISIS recruiter here.

1344
01:01:22,980 --> 01:01:24,740
All right, glad we got
to the bottom of that.

1345
01:01:25,060 --> 01:01:26,100
Toast is like a...

1346
01:01:26,190 --> 01:01:27,690
What is it about him
that made you say that?

1347
01:01:27,770 --> 01:01:29,730
I think we know what
the answer is. I don't...

1348
01:01:29,820 --> 01:01:30,820
Lady, I wasn't talking to you.

1349
01:01:30,900 --> 01:01:31,980
What is it about him?

1350
01:01:32,070 --> 01:01:32,900
We don't have to
go down this path.

1351
01:01:32,990 --> 01:01:33,820
We know
what's at the end of it...

1352
01:01:33,900 --> 01:01:35,150
'Cause of how he looks.

1353
01:01:35,610 --> 01:01:37,450
There it is.

1354
01:01:37,820 --> 01:01:38,990
That is like saying

1355
01:01:39,080 --> 01:01:41,830
that all frat boys
wearing country club hats

1356
01:01:41,910 --> 01:01:43,250
and Hawaiian shirts

1357
01:01:43,330 --> 01:01:44,810
have shriveled-up,
tiny, little dicks.

1358
01:01:46,000 --> 01:01:47,460
Okay, actually...
Actually, Beth,

1359
01:01:47,540 --> 01:01:49,710
this is a bad way for you
to find out, but he's right.

1360
01:01:49,880 --> 01:01:51,550
I actually am a terrorist.

1361
01:01:52,260 --> 01:01:54,130
I just do stand-up comedy
on the side

1362
01:01:54,220 --> 01:01:55,510
to keep a low profile.

1363
01:01:55,590 --> 01:01:58,010
Fuck you.

1364
01:01:58,470 --> 01:01:59,930
First of all, very clever.

1365
01:02:00,180 --> 01:02:03,430
What? Did you...
Did you write that at home?

1366
01:02:06,060 --> 01:02:07,060
Toast...

1367
01:02:07,140 --> 01:02:08,060
- is a very strange...
- Fuck you!

1368
01:02:08,150 --> 01:02:09,690
- Fuck you.
- No, fuck you.

1369
01:02:09,770 --> 01:02:10,780
You're a bitch, you know that?

1370
01:02:10,860 --> 01:02:12,650
Fuck you!

1371
01:02:14,570 --> 01:02:16,110
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

1372
01:02:16,200 --> 01:02:18,410
Hey, no. No, no, no, no.
No. Listen.

1373
01:02:18,660 --> 01:02:20,200
Fucking kill you!

1374
01:02:20,450 --> 01:02:22,490
What's your
fucking phone number?

1375
01:02:25,250 --> 01:02:26,410
Sorry, everybody.

1376
01:02:26,660 --> 01:02:28,500
I'm sorry.

1377
01:02:28,750 --> 01:02:32,130
I... I'm not sorry, actually,

1378
01:02:32,210 --> 01:02:34,460
'cause you're a terrible person.

1379
01:02:35,670 --> 01:02:37,970
I don't want to kick your ass
here in front of everybody.

1380
01:02:38,260 --> 01:02:39,840
Yeah, that's right.

1381
01:02:40,260 --> 01:02:42,050
I got levels, motherfucker.
Okay?

1382
01:02:42,390 --> 01:02:44,600
This elevator goes
all the way fucking down,

1383
01:02:44,680 --> 01:02:45,890
you fucking prick!

1384
01:02:56,740 --> 01:02:58,070
I think I'll make tea.

1385
01:03:00,620 --> 01:03:02,240
Actually, I'll open
a bottle of wine.

1386
01:03:03,490 --> 01:03:05,870
Actually, um,
does Emily have whiskey?

1387
01:03:06,330 --> 01:03:07,540
On top of the fridge.

1388
01:03:09,080 --> 01:03:11,460
So, uh, Cubs doing good, huh?

1389
01:03:12,710 --> 01:03:14,800
I don't know anything
about baseball.

1390
01:03:15,000 --> 01:03:16,130
No? Hmm.

1391
01:03:16,670 --> 01:03:18,220
I'm so sorry about that.

1392
01:03:19,260 --> 01:03:20,550
That was...

1393
01:03:22,720 --> 01:03:24,260
I just sort of lost control.

1394
01:03:24,850 --> 01:03:26,640
- I thought it was sexy.
- Me, too.

1395
01:03:28,310 --> 01:03:29,810
Not like sexy,

1396
01:03:29,940 --> 01:03:34,230
but like cool sexy,
not like aroused sexy.

1397
01:03:35,780 --> 01:03:37,360
I'm gonna not say
"sexy" anymore.

1398
01:03:37,780 --> 01:03:39,460
Hey, you guys want
to get something to eat?

1399
01:03:41,280 --> 01:03:42,410
I know you guys got a formula.

1400
01:03:42,490 --> 01:03:43,370
You know, I've been
to a couple shows now.

1401
01:03:43,450 --> 01:03:44,530
So is it always like that?

1402
01:03:44,780 --> 01:03:46,700
- Oh, like tonight?
- Yeah.

1403
01:03:46,790 --> 01:03:49,330
No, usually a different mom
comes in to help me.

1404
01:03:50,580 --> 01:03:52,120
I'm joking. No, it's...

1405
01:03:52,210 --> 01:03:54,250
It's not always like that.
I'd quit if it was.

1406
01:03:54,340 --> 01:03:56,460
- Here's a joke. No.
- No. Terry, don't.

1407
01:03:56,800 --> 01:03:58,800
Terry's about as funny
as a fart at a funeral.

1408
01:04:00,680 --> 01:04:02,140
No. This is funny.
This is a funny one.

1409
01:04:02,220 --> 01:04:03,390
- Okay.
- All right.

1410
01:04:04,100 --> 01:04:06,100
A giraffe walks into a bar,

1411
01:04:06,430 --> 01:04:10,690
and he says to the bartender,
"Highballs on me."

1412
01:04:13,480 --> 01:04:14,520
You get it, right?

1413
01:04:14,900 --> 01:04:16,360
Oh, that was
the end of the joke?

1414
01:04:16,440 --> 01:04:17,530
Yeah, of course it was.

1415
01:04:17,610 --> 01:04:18,570
- That was the whole joke?
- That's the joke.

1416
01:04:18,650 --> 01:04:19,940
That's the beauty of it. Boom.

1417
01:04:20,030 --> 01:04:21,820
- I thought there was more.
- But you get it?

1418
01:04:21,950 --> 01:04:23,780
He's giraffe, he's tall,

1419
01:04:24,570 --> 01:04:28,950
so it would stand to reason,
his testicles are high.

1420
01:04:29,040 --> 01:04:31,290
- Yeah.
- And a highball is a drink.

1421
01:04:32,040 --> 01:04:34,580
And you ruined it by saying
I wasn't funny first.

1422
01:04:34,670 --> 01:04:36,380
- That's what it was.
- No. No.

1423
01:04:36,460 --> 01:04:37,920
No, it's good.
I like my jokes,

1424
01:04:38,000 --> 01:04:39,300
like, thoroughly explained.

1425
01:04:39,380 --> 01:04:41,140
You're just busting...
You're bustin' my highballs.

1426
01:04:41,220 --> 01:04:42,260
Yeah.

1427
01:04:44,180 --> 01:04:46,600
Hmm. Mmm-hmm.

1428
01:04:46,680 --> 01:04:48,470
Complex finish,
flamboyant mouth-feel.

1429
01:04:49,180 --> 01:04:50,310
Good. How about you?

1430
01:04:50,390 --> 01:04:51,680
- My turn?
- Yeah.

1431
01:04:54,150 --> 01:04:55,190
Mmm-hmm.

1432
01:04:55,560 --> 01:04:56,560
Fruit-forward.

1433
01:04:56,650 --> 01:04:58,650
Good term, absolutely.
Fruit-forward.

1434
01:04:58,730 --> 01:04:59,780
- Yeah. No.
- I'm impressed.

1435
01:04:59,860 --> 01:05:00,690
This one...
It's in the front seat.

1436
01:05:00,780 --> 01:05:02,900
- It's driving the wine car.
- Exactly. It is.

1437
01:05:02,990 --> 01:05:05,780
I like wine 'cause of the buzz.

1438
01:05:06,160 --> 01:05:08,910
Mmm. She's a bit
of a lightweight, Beth.

1439
01:05:08,990 --> 01:05:10,870
- So is Terry.
- Come on.

1440
01:05:11,000 --> 01:05:13,160
He'll be passed out on the sofa
in less than an hour.

1441
01:05:13,250 --> 01:05:15,710
Aah. That's nonsense.
You know that's not true.

1442
01:05:15,920 --> 01:05:18,210
<i>♪ You don't want
to see me hangin' on... ♪</i>

1443
01:05:18,290 --> 01:05:20,510
You weren't supposed to be
on the show tonight, were you?

1444
01:05:20,590 --> 01:05:21,710
Oh, me, on the show tonight?

1445
01:05:21,800 --> 01:05:23,340
Yeah, I was.
I was the headliner.

1446
01:05:24,220 --> 01:05:26,550
<i>♪ You said I was
a complicated boy ♪</i>

1447
01:05:26,640 --> 01:05:27,680
Okay.

1448
01:05:29,510 --> 01:05:30,810
I lied about the show

1449
01:05:30,890 --> 01:05:32,560
to get out of hanging out
with you guys,

1450
01:05:33,640 --> 01:05:35,230
and then I lied about headlining

1451
01:05:35,730 --> 01:05:37,060
to impress you guys.

1452
01:05:37,310 --> 01:05:38,690
Well, that didn't work.

1453
01:05:40,690 --> 01:05:43,110
Also, I think I screwed up
with your daughter.

1454
01:05:44,900 --> 01:05:46,110
Yeah.

1455
01:05:47,030 --> 01:05:48,200
You did.

1456
01:05:49,120 --> 01:05:52,080
I don't know how people do it
when their family's sick.

1457
01:05:52,500 --> 01:05:54,710
My Uncle Lew, he got cancer.

1458
01:05:54,790 --> 01:05:57,540
Then he had a stroke,
then a heart attack.

1459
01:05:58,290 --> 01:05:59,420
Then he had a recurrence
of the cancer.

1460
01:05:59,500 --> 01:06:00,550
But you know what killed him?

1461
01:06:00,630 --> 01:06:02,170
- Cancer?
- Car accident.

1462
01:06:03,130 --> 01:06:04,340
We think maybe
it was a heart attack

1463
01:06:04,420 --> 01:06:07,180
while he was driving, and
he did still have cancer, too.

1464
01:06:07,260 --> 01:06:08,340
And you know what?

1465
01:06:09,300 --> 01:06:10,970
He ate sprouts
his whole fucking life.

1466
01:06:12,220 --> 01:06:13,890
Hadn't had a yolk in 30 years.

1467
01:06:16,480 --> 01:06:19,020
<i>♪ Then I won't
stand in your way ♪</i>

1468
01:06:19,150 --> 01:06:21,150
I don't know how
I'm gonna sleep tonight.

1469
01:06:22,610 --> 01:06:24,070
You want to stress eat?

1470
01:06:24,440 --> 01:06:25,780
Fuck, yeah.

1471
01:06:27,070 --> 01:06:28,200
Oh, my God.

1472
01:06:28,280 --> 01:06:30,830
I know.
"Most noticeable."

1473
01:06:32,370 --> 01:06:33,660
Oh, now, now, hold on, hold on.

1474
01:06:33,790 --> 01:06:35,290
There's more. Look.

1475
01:06:36,460 --> 01:06:39,710
The legendary cemetery
photo shoot.

1476
01:06:39,790 --> 01:06:41,630
Oh. Oh... My God.

1477
01:06:41,920 --> 01:06:44,760
- Nah!
- Oh! Wow!

1478
01:06:44,840 --> 01:06:46,760
Oh. I laughed so hard
when I saw these,

1479
01:06:46,840 --> 01:06:48,470
she got so... So mad at me.

1480
01:06:48,760 --> 01:06:49,890
You're gonna wake him up.

1481
01:06:50,050 --> 01:06:52,100
Are you kidding? He could
sleep though anything.

1482
01:06:52,180 --> 01:06:54,100
- Hey, Terry!
- Shh!

1483
01:06:54,600 --> 01:06:55,980
How did you and Terry meet?

1484
01:06:56,480 --> 01:06:59,810
I was, um, going
to East Carolina University.

1485
01:07:00,230 --> 01:07:03,110
And I was, um, waiting tables,

1486
01:07:03,190 --> 01:07:04,570
and, you know,
we met at this coffee shop.

1487
01:07:04,650 --> 01:07:05,690
I was waiting on him,

1488
01:07:05,780 --> 01:07:07,110
you know, and I liked his hair.

1489
01:07:08,780 --> 01:07:10,360
He was a teacher already,
you know.

1490
01:07:10,780 --> 01:07:12,240
Thick New York accent,

1491
01:07:12,320 --> 01:07:14,660
like... like nobody
I'd ever met, you know.

1492
01:07:14,990 --> 01:07:16,330
Totally wrong for me.

1493
01:07:16,620 --> 01:07:18,330
So, naturally, we fell in love.

1494
01:07:18,790 --> 01:07:20,960
My family could not stand him.

1495
01:07:21,330 --> 01:07:23,880
We're all military people.
Army pilots.

1496
01:07:23,960 --> 01:07:25,420
All my brothers played football.

1497
01:07:25,500 --> 01:07:26,820
Terry couldn't even
change a tire.

1498
01:07:27,550 --> 01:07:29,680
My father got so mad at me,

1499
01:07:30,970 --> 01:07:32,510
he broke every dinner plate
we had.

1500
01:07:32,600 --> 01:07:36,140
Now back then, um,
you go to the gas station,

1501
01:07:36,220 --> 01:07:37,980
you fill up your tank,
you get a dinner plate.

1502
01:07:38,060 --> 01:07:38,890
Oh.

1503
01:07:38,980 --> 01:07:40,400
But just one at a time,
like cup, saucer.

1504
01:07:40,480 --> 01:07:42,980
It took a year of fill-ups
to get the whole set back.

1505
01:07:43,400 --> 01:07:45,520
And Terry...
Terry just stuck around.

1506
01:07:46,150 --> 01:07:47,320
Eventually,

1507
01:07:47,780 --> 01:07:49,200
they just all got over it.

1508
01:07:50,360 --> 01:07:52,160
- They just got over it?
- Mm-hmm.

1509
01:07:52,910 --> 01:07:53,910
How?

1510
01:07:54,070 --> 01:07:55,700
Lots of fucked-up dinners.

1511
01:07:57,330 --> 01:07:58,790
How'd your parents meet, Kumail?

1512
01:08:00,210 --> 01:08:02,250
So we have arranged marriage,
as you know,

1513
01:08:02,330 --> 01:08:05,630
and a big group got together
to go see a movie,

1514
01:08:05,710 --> 01:08:07,550
but really
it was just a set-up

1515
01:08:07,630 --> 01:08:09,340
so my mom and my dad could meet.

1516
01:08:10,340 --> 01:08:11,630
What movie did they see?

1517
01:08:12,930 --> 01:08:14,180
I have no idea.

1518
01:08:15,050 --> 01:08:16,260
I never asked.

1519
01:08:19,640 --> 01:08:21,940
- She's great, you know?
- Yeah.

1520
01:08:23,060 --> 01:08:24,150
I know.

1521
01:08:25,110 --> 01:08:26,730
I feel good about the surgery.

1522
01:08:27,730 --> 01:08:30,610
Yeah. Me, too. These doctors
know what they're doing.

1523
01:08:30,690 --> 01:08:31,820
No, they don't.

1524
01:08:33,360 --> 01:08:35,240
They're just winging it
like everybody else.

1525
01:08:47,500 --> 01:08:51,050
Oh... fuck.

1526
01:09:01,270 --> 01:09:02,310
<i>Hey, it's me.</i>

1527
01:09:02,390 --> 01:09:05,650
<i>So, um, I tried making
some Pakistani food,</i>

1528
01:09:05,730 --> 01:09:09,110
<i>uh, to surprise you,
and either I'm a bad cook</i>

1529
01:09:09,190 --> 01:09:11,940
<i>or all
Pakistani food is terrible.</i>

1530
01:09:12,030 --> 01:09:13,900
<i>I don't know yet. Bye!</i>

1531
01:09:18,200 --> 01:09:21,080
<i>Hey, it's me. Um, if you just
want to come over</i>

1532
01:09:21,160 --> 01:09:23,790
<i>and, like, kiss me
for two seconds,</i>

1533
01:09:23,870 --> 01:09:25,790
<i>I'd really love that tonight.</i>

1534
01:09:25,870 --> 01:09:27,840
<i>Okay, bye.</i>

1535
01:09:31,420 --> 01:09:34,300
<i>Hey, it's me. So, uh, did you
want to meet at the gallery?</i>

1536
01:09:34,380 --> 01:09:36,260
<i>Oh, my God!</i>

1537
01:09:36,340 --> 01:09:37,390
<i>Oh, my God!</i>

1538
01:09:37,470 --> 01:09:39,680
<i>Oh, my God! A bird
just hit me in the head!</i>

1539
01:09:39,970 --> 01:09:41,430
<i>Oh, my God! I'm not kidding!</i>

1540
01:09:43,230 --> 01:09:46,690
<i>I'll call you right back.
Oh, my God, is it okay?</i>

1541
01:09:52,280 --> 01:09:54,530
The infection around the lungs
has been removed.

1542
01:09:55,110 --> 01:09:56,530
We should be able
to pull her out soon.

1543
01:09:56,610 --> 01:09:58,780
Oh, boy! Whew.

1544
01:09:58,870 --> 01:10:01,040
Oh. Well, how soon?

1545
01:10:01,120 --> 01:10:03,120
She should be up by tomorrow
morning at the latest.

1546
01:10:03,540 --> 01:10:04,410
Oh, wow.

1547
01:10:04,500 --> 01:10:06,920
We'll also test the pleural
fluid from the thoracentesis

1548
01:10:07,000 --> 01:10:09,340
to create a more targeted
antibiotic strategy.

1549
01:10:09,920 --> 01:10:13,170
- So this is good news?
- It's very good news.

1550
01:10:13,260 --> 01:10:14,470
- Yeah.
- We'll just hold on to her

1551
01:10:14,550 --> 01:10:16,550
for a few more days, and then
you can have her back.

1552
01:10:16,630 --> 01:10:18,340
She's a fighter, right?

1553
01:10:18,800 --> 01:10:19,800
Yes.

1554
01:10:22,310 --> 01:10:23,350
I was so worried.

1555
01:10:23,520 --> 01:10:25,350
We saw on the news
that a train derailed,

1556
01:10:25,430 --> 01:10:26,770
and we thought that
you were on the train,

1557
01:10:26,850 --> 01:10:27,940
and you had died.

1558
01:10:28,020 --> 01:10:29,690
Nobody died on that train, Ma.

1559
01:10:29,770 --> 01:10:31,090
But did they look
under the train?

1560
01:10:31,270 --> 01:10:33,200
So where were you last night?
What were you doing?

1561
01:10:33,280 --> 01:10:35,150
Nothing.
I wasn't doing anything.

1562
01:10:35,440 --> 01:10:38,530
- Kumail?
- All right, I'll tell you.

1563
01:10:38,610 --> 01:10:40,660
- Tell.
- I was...

1564
01:10:41,580 --> 01:10:42,990
I was studying for the LSAT.

1565
01:10:44,240 --> 01:10:46,290
- Really?
- Yup.

1566
01:10:46,500 --> 01:10:51,500
I signed up, and if I pass,
I'm going to go to law school

1567
01:10:51,670 --> 01:10:53,050
and become a lawyer

1568
01:10:54,340 --> 01:10:55,630
and do law.

1569
01:10:55,710 --> 01:10:57,300
Hmm.

1570
01:10:57,380 --> 01:10:59,180
Oh, let me see
who that could be.

1571
01:10:59,590 --> 01:11:01,350
- Really, Dad?
- What?

1572
01:11:01,430 --> 01:11:03,180
You said that nobody was going
to come, it was just...

1573
01:11:03,260 --> 01:11:04,520
- Gonna be just us.
- Kumail, do you know this guy?

1574
01:11:04,600 --> 01:11:05,680
People say Sam!

1575
01:11:06,350 --> 01:11:07,730
People say Sam!
Do you know him?

1576
01:11:08,140 --> 01:11:08,980
Yeah, I know him.

1577
01:11:09,060 --> 01:11:10,360
He should be on
<i>Saturday Night Live.</i>

1578
01:11:10,440 --> 01:11:11,270
<i>SNL.</i>

1579
01:11:11,360 --> 01:11:12,530
People don't say "Sam."
They say <i>salaam.</i>

1580
01:11:12,610 --> 01:11:14,110
Everybody, you remember Khadija?

1581
01:11:14,610 --> 01:11:15,860
She just dropped in.

1582
01:11:15,940 --> 01:11:17,490
She was just
in the neighborhood.

1583
01:11:17,570 --> 01:11:21,070
And these are her parents,
Rahan and Tina.

1584
01:11:21,950 --> 01:11:23,450
They also just dropped in.

1585
01:11:35,460 --> 01:11:38,220
I've just been on
so many of these appointments,

1586
01:11:38,630 --> 01:11:40,970
and I just never have anything
in common with the guys.

1587
01:11:41,050 --> 01:11:41,890
Yeah.

1588
01:11:41,970 --> 01:11:44,220
You know, when girls at work
complain to me about dating,

1589
01:11:44,300 --> 01:11:46,310
I just...
I want to body-slam them.

1590
01:11:46,390 --> 01:11:47,810
They have no idea.

1591
01:11:47,890 --> 01:11:49,140
- Right.
- I don't know.

1592
01:11:49,230 --> 01:11:52,770
My mom says I'm becoming
like the bruised apple

1593
01:11:52,860 --> 01:11:54,610
at the bottom
of the apple bucket.

1594
01:11:54,690 --> 01:11:56,570
- No. No, no, no, you're not.
- Yeah.

1595
01:11:56,650 --> 01:11:57,990
- I am.
- No, you're not.

1596
01:11:59,650 --> 01:12:01,660
So, do you want
to hang out sometime?

1597
01:12:02,610 --> 01:12:04,240
Like, without our parents.

1598
01:12:04,620 --> 01:12:06,120
Have you been to the Cat Café?

1599
01:12:06,200 --> 01:12:08,000
The cats just come up to you

1600
01:12:08,120 --> 01:12:11,080
and nestle in your lap,
and you just pet them.

1601
01:12:12,170 --> 01:12:13,540
I don't think
that's a good idea.

1602
01:12:13,790 --> 01:12:15,540
You don't like... cats?

1603
01:12:15,630 --> 01:12:17,460
I mean...

1604
01:12:17,630 --> 01:12:20,720
I don't think it's a good idea
for us to hang out again.

1605
01:12:21,550 --> 01:12:22,890
It's not you.

1606
01:12:23,220 --> 01:12:25,300
You're fantastic.

1607
01:12:25,600 --> 01:12:27,720
I just can't do this
arranged marriage thing.

1608
01:12:28,140 --> 01:12:29,640
With anybody.

1609
01:12:30,480 --> 01:12:31,980
So why did you meet me?

1610
01:12:33,350 --> 01:12:35,060
It wasn't my idea.

1611
01:12:40,690 --> 01:12:42,240
I'm just really tired.

1612
01:12:43,280 --> 01:12:45,700
Do you ever want
to just be in a relationship

1613
01:12:45,780 --> 01:12:49,040
so you can just finally relax?

1614
01:12:50,250 --> 01:12:51,370
I'm sorry.

1615
01:12:55,040 --> 01:12:56,670
You deserve better than me.

1616
01:12:58,250 --> 01:13:00,050
People always telling me
what I deserve.

1617
01:13:01,090 --> 01:13:02,170
It's bullshit.

1618
01:13:03,470 --> 01:13:06,090
And stop being so sorry
about everything.

1619
01:13:08,560 --> 01:13:09,850
I'm gonna go.

1620
01:13:11,520 --> 01:13:13,690
And do you know what?
I watched <i>The X-Files.</i>

1621
01:13:14,020 --> 01:13:17,360
Like, three whole episodes,
and it's a bad show.

1622
01:13:30,240 --> 01:13:31,580
Wow, they should
call this web site,

1623
01:13:31,660 --> 01:13:33,750
"everything is cancer
dot-com."

1624
01:13:33,870 --> 01:13:37,170
Whatever symptom you put in,
it could be cancer.

1625
01:13:37,790 --> 01:13:40,000
Hiccups could be cancer.
Come on.

1626
01:13:40,550 --> 01:13:42,050
Take the fun out of hiccups now.

1627
01:13:42,300 --> 01:13:45,720
But, you know, this is the
17th best hospital in Chicago?

1628
01:13:46,800 --> 01:13:49,430
- Really? Out of how many?
- I don't know.

1629
01:13:50,140 --> 01:13:51,850
But Northwestern's number one.

1630
01:13:52,560 --> 01:13:53,640
How do they rate,

1631
01:13:53,730 --> 01:13:55,520
- or what's the methodology?
- I don't know, Terry.

1632
01:13:55,600 --> 01:13:57,270
But 17th is bad.

1633
01:13:57,730 --> 01:13:59,860
It's not great.
Unless the sample size is...

1634
01:14:00,150 --> 01:14:01,360
You know, that all depends.

1635
01:14:01,480 --> 01:14:02,690
Here, look at the comments.

1636
01:14:03,240 --> 01:14:04,620
This is why I don't want
to go online

1637
01:14:04,700 --> 01:14:05,820
'cause it's never good.

1638
01:14:06,110 --> 01:14:07,990
You go online,
they hated <i>Forrest Gump.</i>

1639
01:14:09,160 --> 01:14:10,490
Frickin' best movie ever.

1640
01:14:13,200 --> 01:14:14,710
Yeah, I know.

1641
01:14:14,790 --> 01:14:16,540
Well, it, no,
it hasn't been that long.

1642
01:14:17,960 --> 01:14:19,630
Like, three hours, maybe.

1643
01:14:20,290 --> 01:14:22,170
Oh, hey, I... I...
All right, I got to go.

1644
01:14:23,840 --> 01:14:25,300
- Terry, hi.
- Hey.

1645
01:14:25,380 --> 01:14:26,720
- Can we talk?
- Yeah, yeah.

1646
01:14:26,800 --> 01:14:27,800
Okay.

1647
01:14:28,550 --> 01:14:30,140
We got the biopsy results.

1648
01:14:30,470 --> 01:14:32,430
They are, unfortunately,
inconclusive.

1649
01:14:33,060 --> 01:14:35,140
Uh, we're concerned
because it is also...

1650
01:14:37,810 --> 01:14:39,770
Well, wait, wait,
what does that mean?

1651
01:14:39,860 --> 01:14:42,320
It means it's aggressive.
It means that...

1652
01:14:51,490 --> 01:14:53,160
<i>I mean, they...
They couldn't find out what</i>

1653
01:14:53,240 --> 01:14:54,700
the disease was or where the...

1654
01:14:55,120 --> 01:14:56,920
Where the virus came from,
the bacteria, whatever.

1655
01:14:57,000 --> 01:14:58,090
But they took out the infection,

1656
01:14:58,170 --> 01:14:59,460
- so it shouldn't matter.
- I know. That's what I said.

1657
01:14:59,540 --> 01:15:01,340
But, uh,
her vitals didn't normalize.

1658
01:15:01,420 --> 01:15:02,790
And now they say, the infection,

1659
01:15:02,880 --> 01:15:05,670
it's continuing to spread.
It's in her kidneys now.

1660
01:15:05,920 --> 01:15:07,760
But the kidneys are
so far from the lungs.

1661
01:15:07,840 --> 01:15:08,680
I know.

1662
01:15:08,760 --> 01:15:11,510
It's an aggressive infection,
and they said

1663
01:15:11,600 --> 01:15:13,270
what they got to do now is
they just got to figure out

1664
01:15:13,350 --> 01:15:14,350
what this mystery disease
actually is.

1665
01:15:14,430 --> 01:15:18,100
Uh-huh, uh-huh,
uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

1666
01:15:19,390 --> 01:15:20,810
I'm calling Northwestern.

1667
01:15:20,980 --> 01:15:22,480
- Just hold on, hold on.
- Terry, Goddammit...

1668
01:15:22,560 --> 01:15:23,770
I think we should talk about...

1669
01:15:23,860 --> 01:15:24,690
Shut up.

1670
01:15:24,780 --> 01:15:27,190
I'm sick of this shit, Terry.
We're getting her out of here.

1671
01:15:27,530 --> 01:15:28,740
They're in the middle of the...

1672
01:15:28,820 --> 01:15:30,240
Of the whole process
of elimination.

1673
01:15:30,320 --> 01:15:32,490
So you're saying Northwestern
can't take that information

1674
01:15:32,570 --> 01:15:33,780
and continue the search?

1675
01:15:33,870 --> 01:15:35,450
This place is a shithole.
I'm sorry.

1676
01:15:35,540 --> 01:15:36,870
Anna, could I have that?

1677
01:15:37,080 --> 01:15:38,750
Will you just stop
for a second, all right?

1678
01:15:38,830 --> 01:15:39,750
They are the doctors.

1679
01:15:39,830 --> 01:15:40,750
You act like you know
what you're talking about.

1680
01:15:40,830 --> 01:15:42,380
- Doctors are not the same.
- You don't.

1681
01:15:42,460 --> 01:15:43,920
I can't find my cell phone.

1682
01:15:44,000 --> 01:15:45,090
- You got a phone?
- Yeah.

1683
01:15:45,170 --> 01:15:46,170
Don't give her the phone.

1684
01:15:46,380 --> 01:15:47,430
Don't...
You don't need a phone.

1685
01:15:47,510 --> 01:15:49,220
You don't need to call anybody
right now. The...

1686
01:15:49,300 --> 01:15:51,050
They're doing it. They're
the experts here, and...

1687
01:15:51,130 --> 01:15:52,640
- And I trust them.
- One, five...

1688
01:15:52,720 --> 01:15:53,550
Oh, well, that's very nice,
but I don't.

1689
01:15:53,640 --> 01:15:54,760
Can you unlock that thing?

1690
01:15:55,100 --> 01:15:56,560
There... There's a reason
they're number 17

1691
01:15:56,640 --> 01:15:57,890
and Northwestern's number one.

1692
01:15:57,970 --> 01:15:59,730
And that's not because people
trust them. Thank you.

1693
01:15:59,810 --> 01:16:01,650
Wait, you think
you're smarter than me.

1694
01:16:01,730 --> 01:16:02,690
You say big sentences.

1695
01:16:02,770 --> 01:16:04,150
Okay, well, you're not.
You're not.

1696
01:16:08,320 --> 01:16:09,570
I don't think
I'm smarter than you.

1697
01:16:09,650 --> 01:16:11,330
You just don't think
you're as smart as I am.

1698
01:16:11,410 --> 01:16:13,570
- That's not my fault.
- Right, it's...

1699
01:16:13,660 --> 01:16:15,910
It's never your fault.
Everything's my fault.

1700
01:16:15,990 --> 01:16:18,120
Oh, there are some things
that are definitely...

1701
01:16:18,870 --> 01:16:20,370
just your fault.

1702
01:16:22,330 --> 01:16:24,250
Okay, that's...
That's bullshit.

1703
01:16:24,500 --> 01:16:26,880
You need to stop freaking out
and calm down.

1704
01:16:26,960 --> 01:16:28,550
And you need
to stop being a coward.

1705
01:16:30,380 --> 01:16:31,430
Right.

1706
01:16:32,220 --> 01:16:33,800
The greatest hits comin' back.

1707
01:16:33,890 --> 01:16:35,640
Okay, you can just...
Well, you can stop.

1708
01:16:35,720 --> 01:16:38,270
I'll... I'll replay
the rest of this from memory.

1709
01:16:41,810 --> 01:16:43,730
Yeah, don't... Listen to me...

1710
01:17:09,590 --> 01:17:11,880
Oh. You're giraffe-ing it.

1711
01:17:11,970 --> 01:17:13,380
It's the biggest thing they had.

1712
01:17:13,680 --> 01:17:15,300
I don't even know
if she likes giraffes.

1713
01:17:15,640 --> 01:17:16,970
We never talked about...

1714
01:17:18,430 --> 01:17:19,680
giraffes.

1715
01:17:20,430 --> 01:17:21,930
Hey, do they know
what they're doing?

1716
01:17:22,020 --> 01:17:23,810
'Cause they don't tell us
anything.

1717
01:17:24,350 --> 01:17:25,980
Like, uh, Lyme disease.

1718
01:17:26,060 --> 01:17:27,730
You know, the girl
on <i>The Real World</i> had it.

1719
01:17:27,810 --> 01:17:29,980
- Did you guys look for that?
- Yes, we did.

1720
01:17:30,070 --> 01:17:31,450
You know,
she gets hurt all the time,

1721
01:17:31,530 --> 01:17:34,070
and she messed up her ankle
recently. Could that be lupus?

1722
01:17:34,150 --> 01:17:36,450
Listen,
we're looking into everything.

1723
01:17:36,950 --> 01:17:38,870
We're not holding anything
back from you.

1724
01:17:39,160 --> 01:17:42,330
We're still just
eliminating possibilities.

1725
01:17:43,040 --> 01:17:45,330
'Cause Beth wants
to move her to Northwestern.

1726
01:17:45,500 --> 01:17:48,000
No. Emily should not be moved.

1727
01:17:49,380 --> 01:17:50,880
The hospital will approve it

1728
01:17:50,960 --> 01:17:53,090
because it'll get the
liability off their hands.

1729
01:17:53,470 --> 01:17:55,380
But we put her in a coma
for a reason,

1730
01:17:55,630 --> 01:17:57,050
to stabilize her.

1731
01:17:57,220 --> 01:17:59,720
Moving her
could be very dangerous.

1732
01:18:00,760 --> 01:18:04,060
Trust me, she is fighting this,
and so are we.

1733
01:18:08,650 --> 01:18:10,770
Hey, Terry,
I was just talking to the...

1734
01:18:11,860 --> 01:18:13,240
- You okay?
- Yeah.

1735
01:18:13,320 --> 01:18:15,110
Yeah, of course.

1736
01:18:15,950 --> 01:18:17,240
Fine. Totally fine.

1737
01:18:17,320 --> 01:18:20,120
Just, uh... Beth went
to Emily, so, uh...

1738
01:18:20,910 --> 01:18:23,370
I'm gonna wait here till
they kick me out, you know?

1739
01:18:25,790 --> 01:18:26,960
Just keep an eye on her.

1740
01:18:32,050 --> 01:18:33,590
Do you want to crash
at my place?

1741
01:18:34,510 --> 01:18:36,590
- You got Golf Channel?
- No.

1742
01:18:37,720 --> 01:18:38,840
That wasn't funny, right?

1743
01:18:39,050 --> 01:18:41,350
Oh, I didn't... I thought
that was a serious question.

1744
01:18:42,260 --> 01:18:43,470
Let's get the fuck out of here.

1745
01:18:49,650 --> 01:18:50,730
So...

1746
01:18:51,270 --> 01:18:52,690
This is the place.

1747
01:18:52,770 --> 01:18:54,400
Huh. Wow.

1748
01:18:55,900 --> 01:18:57,150
This place is terrible.

1749
01:19:02,490 --> 01:19:05,540
Hey, uh, I talked to Nurse Judy,

1750
01:19:05,870 --> 01:19:07,500
and she was saying that, like,

1751
01:19:07,580 --> 01:19:09,620
moving Emily
could be a bad idea.

1752
01:19:10,420 --> 01:19:11,250
Really?

1753
01:19:11,330 --> 01:19:13,340
Yeah, she said
it could be dangerous.

1754
01:19:16,090 --> 01:19:17,260
Like, something...

1755
01:19:17,340 --> 01:19:19,010
Yeah, I hear you.

1756
01:19:20,300 --> 01:19:22,140
And... Hmm.

1757
01:19:22,220 --> 01:19:25,180
I just...
I'd give anything just to...

1758
01:19:26,220 --> 01:19:27,680
trade places with Emily.

1759
01:19:27,890 --> 01:19:28,890
You know?

1760
01:19:30,190 --> 01:19:33,150
Being a parent, it's...
It's a nightmare.

1761
01:19:33,860 --> 01:19:36,900
Loving somebody this much sucks.

1762
01:19:38,190 --> 01:19:39,650
Yeah.

1763
01:19:40,320 --> 01:19:41,450
And, uh,

1764
01:19:41,700 --> 01:19:43,530
I guess you've noticed
the tension

1765
01:19:43,620 --> 01:19:45,700
between Beth and me.

1766
01:19:47,410 --> 01:19:48,830
Uh, not really.

1767
01:19:49,080 --> 01:19:50,870
Uh, it's none of my business,

1768
01:19:50,960 --> 01:19:52,670
- so I don't try to...
- Yeah, well, it's...

1769
01:19:52,750 --> 01:19:53,920
Uh, it's there.

1770
01:19:54,790 --> 01:19:56,250
Big-time.

1771
01:19:57,960 --> 01:20:00,380
It's getting really late.
We should go to sleep.

1772
01:20:09,180 --> 01:20:10,480
I cheated on her.

1773
01:20:11,730 --> 01:20:12,980
Fuck.

1774
01:20:13,060 --> 01:20:14,150
I did.

1775
01:20:16,150 --> 01:20:17,650
It was just a one-night stand.

1776
01:20:17,730 --> 01:20:19,530
- Okay.
- We met at some bar

1777
01:20:19,610 --> 01:20:20,650
in Cincinnati.

1778
01:20:20,740 --> 01:20:23,110
They... They have
these teacher conferences.

1779
01:20:24,370 --> 01:20:26,580
Who goes to a math conference
to get laid?

1780
01:20:27,290 --> 01:20:28,580
Math teachers?

1781
01:20:28,660 --> 01:20:29,910
Yeah.

1782
01:20:30,660 --> 01:20:32,960
I... I think I was depressed.

1783
01:20:33,040 --> 01:20:35,170
- That's what it was.
- Yeah.

1784
01:20:35,500 --> 01:20:36,920
Let's talk about it tomorrow.

1785
01:20:37,710 --> 01:20:38,760
Get a full night's sleep,

1786
01:20:39,050 --> 01:20:40,220
tackle it fresh
in the morning...

1787
01:20:40,300 --> 01:20:43,260
She just smelled so... good.

1788
01:20:45,720 --> 01:20:47,060
It was horrible, too.

1789
01:20:47,140 --> 01:20:50,390
As soon as I was finished,
as soon as I'd finished,

1790
01:20:50,480 --> 01:20:53,310
I was like,
"What did you fucking do?

1791
01:20:53,940 --> 01:20:56,690
"What did you just do?

1792
01:20:58,900 --> 01:21:00,440
"What did you do?"

1793
01:21:02,240 --> 01:21:03,950
You know, that... that, uh,

1794
01:21:04,490 --> 01:21:08,370
moment of clarity you get,
right after an orgasm.

1795
01:21:09,580 --> 01:21:10,750
Yeah.

1796
01:21:11,710 --> 01:21:13,290
I told Beth right away.

1797
01:21:13,500 --> 01:21:14,580
I had to.

1798
01:21:16,380 --> 01:21:17,750
She was devastated.

1799
01:21:18,590 --> 01:21:19,960
And now she hates me.

1800
01:21:21,090 --> 01:21:23,220
She might be mad at you, but...

1801
01:21:23,720 --> 01:21:24,880
But she doesn't hate you.

1802
01:21:25,050 --> 01:21:27,100
Should've heard the way
she was talking about you.

1803
01:21:27,180 --> 01:21:28,180
Mmm.

1804
01:21:29,430 --> 01:21:30,850
Hey, can I ask you something?

1805
01:21:33,690 --> 01:21:34,690
Why'd you tell her?

1806
01:21:34,850 --> 01:21:35,980
Oh, I had to.

1807
01:21:36,060 --> 01:21:37,270
I'm no good with guilt.

1808
01:21:39,270 --> 01:21:40,400
Do you guys talk about it?

1809
01:21:40,480 --> 01:21:41,570
Not anymore.

1810
01:21:42,860 --> 01:21:45,490
She said she forgave me,
but... but, no.

1811
01:21:46,780 --> 01:21:47,870
She hasn't.

1812
01:21:49,990 --> 01:21:51,700
Let me give you some advice,
Kumail.

1813
01:21:54,370 --> 01:21:56,670
You're gonna know the woman
that you want to spend

1814
01:21:56,750 --> 01:21:58,000
the rest of your life with

1815
01:21:59,250 --> 01:22:00,590
when you cheat on her.

1816
01:22:01,090 --> 01:22:04,800
When you cheat on her
and you just feel like shit.

1817
01:22:06,890 --> 01:22:09,300
So to fully know I love someone,

1818
01:22:09,390 --> 01:22:11,470
I have to cheat on them?

1819
01:22:13,480 --> 01:22:15,440
Out loud, it sounds stupid.

1820
01:22:17,850 --> 01:22:19,980
Eh, it's...
Yeah, that's terrible advice.

1821
01:22:22,320 --> 01:22:23,320
Love...

1822
01:22:23,440 --> 01:22:25,150
Love isn't easy.

1823
01:22:26,650 --> 01:22:28,320
That's why they call it love.

1824
01:22:29,530 --> 01:22:30,910
I don't really get that either.

1825
01:22:30,990 --> 01:22:33,620
I know. I thought I could just
start saying something,

1826
01:22:33,700 --> 01:22:35,120
and something smart
would come out.

1827
01:22:55,180 --> 01:22:56,560
Hey, did you see Terry?

1828
01:22:56,940 --> 01:22:58,520
Yeah, I heard him leave
this morning.

1829
01:22:58,810 --> 01:23:00,360
I'm going to Subbies.
You want anything?

1830
01:23:00,440 --> 01:23:01,820
Nah, I'm good. Thank you.

1831
01:23:01,900 --> 01:23:03,400
You don't want a hot dog
or nothin'?

1832
01:23:03,480 --> 01:23:04,900
Dude,
it's 8:30 in the morning.

1833
01:23:05,030 --> 01:23:07,200
Okay. No hot dog.

1834
01:23:09,530 --> 01:23:10,660
Oh, hi.

1835
01:23:10,740 --> 01:23:12,370
Oh, yeah, you can go right in.

1836
01:23:14,540 --> 01:23:16,370
We just spoke
to Khadija's parents.

1837
01:23:16,450 --> 01:23:18,790
- What are you doing here?
- What is wrong with you, Kumi?

1838
01:23:18,870 --> 01:23:20,460
Nothing is wrong with me.
I'm sorry.

1839
01:23:20,540 --> 01:23:22,250
Sorry? That's all you have
to say?

1840
01:23:22,340 --> 01:23:23,340
Okay, I... I don't...
I wasn't that into her.

1841
01:23:23,420 --> 01:23:24,630
- Into her?
- Yeah.

1842
01:23:24,710 --> 01:23:25,760
Do you know how difficult it is

1843
01:23:25,840 --> 01:23:27,050
to get an appointment with her?

1844
01:23:27,130 --> 01:23:28,550
She's in very high demand.

1845
01:23:28,630 --> 01:23:30,300
- Okay, so?
- So?

1846
01:23:30,390 --> 01:23:32,180
Can we please talk about this
another time? I... I...

1847
01:23:32,260 --> 01:23:35,770
No, no, Kumi.
We will talk about this now.

1848
01:23:35,930 --> 01:23:38,480
We have sacrificed everything
for you.

1849
01:23:38,560 --> 01:23:40,150
I know. Okay?

1850
01:23:40,650 --> 01:23:42,190
We have left our family.

1851
01:23:42,270 --> 01:23:43,860
We have left our home.

1852
01:23:43,940 --> 01:23:46,820
I have missed the birth
of my sister's daughter.

1853
01:23:47,400 --> 01:23:51,530
I have not seen my mother
for 15 years.

1854
01:23:51,910 --> 01:23:55,950
Your father, he had to do
his graduate school again.

1855
01:23:56,080 --> 01:23:57,910
He had to give exams again.

1856
01:23:58,160 --> 01:23:59,960
I was in my mid-50s.

1857
01:24:00,870 --> 01:24:03,750
They were in 20s. They used
to call me Father Time.

1858
01:24:03,840 --> 01:24:06,550
Okay, okay. I know that.

1859
01:24:06,630 --> 01:24:09,970
And I... I really appreciate
everything you did for me.

1860
01:24:10,260 --> 01:24:13,180
But can we talk about this
another time?

1861
01:24:13,390 --> 01:24:16,350
Kumi, if you don't want
to be a lawyer, fine.

1862
01:24:16,640 --> 01:24:18,980
If you want to do
the stand-up comedy

1863
01:24:19,060 --> 01:24:21,810
and embarrass us as a family,
fine.

1864
01:24:22,190 --> 01:24:23,400
There is only one thing

1865
01:24:23,480 --> 01:24:25,520
that we have ever
asked for you, Kumi,

1866
01:24:26,070 --> 01:24:27,530
that you be a good Muslim

1867
01:24:27,610 --> 01:24:29,360
and you marry a Pakistani girl!

1868
01:24:29,440 --> 01:24:31,320
That is it! One thing!

1869
01:24:33,030 --> 01:24:34,280
Can I ask you something?

1870
01:24:34,530 --> 01:24:36,240
Something that has
never made sense to me.

1871
01:24:36,330 --> 01:24:38,040
Why did you bring me here
if you wanted me

1872
01:24:38,120 --> 01:24:39,700
to not have an American life?

1873
01:24:40,000 --> 01:24:42,580
We come here, but we pretend
like we're still back there.

1874
01:24:43,500 --> 01:24:44,540
That's so stupid.

1875
01:24:44,630 --> 01:24:46,130
Don't you talk
to your mother like that.

1876
01:24:46,210 --> 01:24:47,300
You don't care what I think.

1877
01:24:47,380 --> 01:24:49,130
You just want me
to follow the rules.

1878
01:24:49,420 --> 01:24:52,260
But the r... the rules
don't make sense to me.

1879
01:24:57,220 --> 01:24:58,600
I don't pray.

1880
01:24:59,600 --> 01:25:00,770
I don't.

1881
01:25:01,020 --> 01:25:02,890
I haven't prayed in years.

1882
01:25:04,190 --> 01:25:05,730
I just go down there,

1883
01:25:06,110 --> 01:25:07,400
and I play video games.

1884
01:25:07,690 --> 01:25:08,820
You don't believe in Allah?

1885
01:25:08,900 --> 01:25:10,570
I don't know
what I believe, Dad.

1886
01:25:10,650 --> 01:25:11,950
I don't know.

1887
01:25:15,110 --> 01:25:17,240
And I can't marry
someone you find for me.

1888
01:25:17,990 --> 01:25:19,370
And why not?

1889
01:25:21,370 --> 01:25:23,210
Because I am in love
with someone.

1890
01:25:24,750 --> 01:25:25,750
I am.

1891
01:25:26,040 --> 01:25:27,420
Her name is Emily.

1892
01:25:27,710 --> 01:25:29,670
And she's gonna be a therapist.

1893
01:25:29,920 --> 01:25:32,170
And right now she's very sick.

1894
01:25:32,260 --> 01:25:33,760
But I couldn't tell you that.

1895
01:25:34,130 --> 01:25:37,180
It makes me so sad that I
couldn't tell you any of that.

1896
01:25:40,180 --> 01:25:43,140
I really appreciate everything
you've done for me.

1897
01:25:43,230 --> 01:25:46,060
I truly, truly, truly do.
I really do.

1898
01:25:46,730 --> 01:25:49,320
And I know Islam
has been really good for you,

1899
01:25:49,400 --> 01:25:50,820
and it has made you good people.

1900
01:25:51,530 --> 01:25:53,740
But I don't know what I believe.

1901
01:25:55,910 --> 01:25:57,530
I just need to figure it out
on my own.

1902
01:25:58,660 --> 01:26:00,240
You're not my son.

1903
01:26:02,620 --> 01:26:04,750
Kumail.
You're being selfish,

1904
01:26:04,870 --> 01:26:06,460
you're not thinking about us.

1905
01:26:06,920 --> 01:26:08,500
You're not thinking
about Khadija, in fact,

1906
01:26:08,580 --> 01:26:09,630
you're not even thinking about

1907
01:26:09,710 --> 01:26:11,090
that girl you are in love with.

1908
01:26:11,670 --> 01:26:14,130
You think American dream
is doing just about

1909
01:26:14,220 --> 01:26:16,720
whatever you want and not
thinking about other people?

1910
01:26:16,800 --> 01:26:17,800
You're wrong!

1911
01:26:18,340 --> 01:26:20,260
You are wrong!

1912
01:26:25,270 --> 01:26:26,940
Excuse us, please.

1913
01:26:27,020 --> 01:26:28,060
Sorry.

1914
01:26:28,150 --> 01:26:29,470
What's wrong with you, man?

1915
01:26:30,360 --> 01:26:31,900
- CHRIS Hey.
- Hey.

1916
01:26:32,190 --> 01:26:34,280
I, uh, never went to the store.

1917
01:26:34,360 --> 01:26:36,700
I was just listening
at the door.

1918
01:26:39,120 --> 01:26:42,540
Hey... My mom kicked me out
for dealing weed at 16,

1919
01:26:42,620 --> 01:26:43,950
so I get it, man.

1920
01:26:57,260 --> 01:26:58,800
- Hey.
- Hey, um, so,

1921
01:26:58,890 --> 01:27:00,520
wh... when are we gonna talk
to Beth about this thing

1922
01:27:00,600 --> 01:27:01,770
- that we talked about?
- We... we... we...

1923
01:27:01,850 --> 01:27:03,180
We're gonna move her,

1924
01:27:03,260 --> 01:27:04,390
is what we're gonna do.

1925
01:27:04,970 --> 01:27:05,970
What?

1926
01:27:06,810 --> 01:27:08,190
- What? We're gonna move her.
- What you...

1927
01:27:08,270 --> 01:27:09,520
What are you talking about?

1928
01:27:09,600 --> 01:27:10,610
You fucking caved?

1929
01:27:10,860 --> 01:27:11,900
- I didn't cave.
- You fucking caved?

1930
01:27:11,980 --> 01:27:13,570
- I don't cave, okay?
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

1931
01:27:13,650 --> 01:27:15,150
I know you don't, you don't
cave, you don't cave,

1932
01:27:15,230 --> 01:27:16,240
you're great.

1933
01:27:16,320 --> 01:27:17,320
But we talked about this
last night,

1934
01:27:17,400 --> 01:27:18,660
- and we decided...
- I know. I know.

1935
01:27:18,740 --> 01:27:19,740
that it wasn't gonna be
a good...

1936
01:27:19,820 --> 01:27:20,870
- We're moving her.
- No. What?

1937
01:27:20,950 --> 01:27:21,950
- Yeah.
- I... I told you what

1938
01:27:22,030 --> 01:27:23,040
- the nurse said.
- She's right.

1939
01:27:23,120 --> 01:27:24,910
Hey, Beth, um, the nurse
told me that moving Emily

1940
01:27:24,990 --> 01:27:26,000
could be a very bad idea.

1941
01:27:26,080 --> 01:27:27,880
Well, Northwestern told us
it could be very good.

1942
01:27:27,960 --> 01:27:29,590
Well, they don't see her,
this nurse sees her,

1943
01:27:29,670 --> 01:27:31,000
and she told me herself.
She said...

1944
01:27:31,080 --> 01:27:32,420
That's okay, Kumail,
they don't need to see her.

1945
01:27:32,500 --> 01:27:34,130
No, it's not okay! There.

1946
01:27:34,670 --> 01:27:35,880
- That's...
- I got it.

1947
01:27:36,300 --> 01:27:38,090
That's a map of the garage.

1948
01:27:39,800 --> 01:27:40,800
Don't...

1949
01:27:40,930 --> 01:27:42,510
Wait, wait, wait.

1950
01:27:42,600 --> 01:27:44,140
You want to be responsible?

1951
01:27:44,260 --> 01:27:45,260
Huh?

1952
01:27:46,720 --> 01:27:48,020
She could die!

1953
01:27:48,310 --> 01:27:49,310
Kumail,

1954
01:27:49,520 --> 01:27:51,730
we're responsible for her
no matter what.

1955
01:27:53,230 --> 01:27:54,520
We're her parents.

1956
01:27:55,110 --> 01:27:56,780
Now, I'm sorry,
we're moving her.

1957
01:28:07,250 --> 01:28:08,580
<i>Welcome to Quick 'n Hot.</i>

1958
01:28:08,660 --> 01:28:10,160
<i>Can I take your order, please?</i>

1959
01:28:10,250 --> 01:28:13,540
Yeah, um, can I get a burger
with four slices of cheese?

1960
01:28:14,040 --> 01:28:15,550
<i>Four burgers.
Anything else, sir?</i>

1961
01:28:15,630 --> 01:28:18,170
No, one burger
with four slices of cheese.

1962
01:28:22,050 --> 01:28:23,300
One burger with four slice...

1963
01:28:23,390 --> 01:28:25,600
<i>I'm sorry, we can't do that.</i>

1964
01:28:25,680 --> 01:28:29,270
Just put four slices of cheese
on a burger.

1965
01:28:29,350 --> 01:28:30,770
<i>We can't do that.
There's no button...</i>

1966
01:28:30,850 --> 01:28:32,440
Who the fuck is this "we," man?

1967
01:28:32,520 --> 01:28:34,770
Who the fuck is this "we"?
It's me and you!

1968
01:28:34,860 --> 01:28:37,320
We're just people!
Fucking listen to me!

1969
01:28:37,400 --> 01:28:38,780
Fuck this corporate entity!

1970
01:28:38,860 --> 01:28:43,990
Put four slices of cheese
on the fucking burger!

1971
01:28:46,530 --> 01:28:48,370
<i>- We can't do that.</i>
- What the fuck?

1972
01:28:48,450 --> 01:28:50,500
You fucking idiot! Hey!

1973
01:28:51,160 --> 01:28:52,580
Hey, look at me, look at me.

1974
01:28:52,670 --> 01:28:55,170
'Cause I'm a human being, you
are a human being. Look at me!

1975
01:28:55,250 --> 01:28:57,300
Look me in the eyes
when you fuck me!

1976
01:28:57,380 --> 01:28:59,460
Look at me! Please!

1977
01:29:00,050 --> 01:29:01,170
Today's my first day.

1978
01:29:01,260 --> 01:29:02,550
Fuck you!

1979
01:29:12,940 --> 01:29:15,230
I'll just ring you up
for four burgers.

1980
01:29:18,270 --> 01:29:19,360
I'm sorry.

1981
01:29:19,440 --> 01:29:21,690
Do you want any fries
or drink with that?

1982
01:29:24,530 --> 01:29:26,070
I'll take four fries.

1983
01:29:27,410 --> 01:29:28,660
I'm sorry.

1984
01:29:42,840 --> 01:29:44,050
Fuck!

1985
01:29:51,470 --> 01:29:52,530
your life dramatically.

1986
01:29:53,810 --> 01:29:56,520
Um, so then I started
keeping this journal.

1987
01:29:56,600 --> 01:29:58,690
And the journal is,
like, you know,

1988
01:29:58,770 --> 01:30:02,490
me overcompensating
and trying to act like

1989
01:30:02,570 --> 01:30:05,530
I'm living this, like, cool,
rock-and-roll lifestyle.

1990
01:30:06,610 --> 01:30:08,820
When, in reality,
I'm in third grade,

1991
01:30:09,080 --> 01:30:10,200
crying all the time.

1992
01:30:10,330 --> 01:30:12,450
Hey, man,
Montreal Finals. You ready?

1993
01:30:13,410 --> 01:30:15,580
Oh, wait, are you getting all,
like, dark and moody

1994
01:30:15,670 --> 01:30:16,830
before your set?

1995
01:30:17,000 --> 01:30:19,840
Yeah, punish yourself
like a nasty, little baby.

1996
01:30:19,920 --> 01:30:22,590
Okay, okay, I am not
in the mood, okay, Chris?

1997
01:30:22,760 --> 01:30:24,300
I'll get you in the mood.

1998
01:30:24,420 --> 01:30:26,760
- You all right?
- I'll get you all in the mood!

1999
01:30:26,840 --> 01:30:28,800
Why is everybody saying
the same fucking thing?

2000
01:30:28,890 --> 01:30:30,060
- Yeah, I decide...
- Dude, are you all right?

2001
01:30:30,140 --> 01:30:31,180
Yeah, I'm doing great.

2002
01:30:31,260 --> 01:30:33,220
Okay, all right, dude,
I'm just checking on you.

2003
01:30:33,720 --> 01:30:35,980
It would have stuff,
like, you know, like,

2004
01:30:36,060 --> 01:30:37,600
an in-unit washer and dryer...

2005
01:30:39,560 --> 01:30:40,820
The fuck have you been, man?

2006
01:30:41,270 --> 01:30:43,070
- You're on next.
- Okay, okay.

2007
01:30:44,650 --> 01:30:46,320
Thank you, guys.
I love you.

2008
01:30:48,820 --> 01:30:49,950
Hello?

2009
01:30:50,030 --> 01:30:51,580
<i>Kumail, is that you?</i>

2010
01:30:51,660 --> 01:30:53,240
- Yeah.
<i>- It's Terry.</i>

2011
01:30:53,580 --> 01:30:55,500
<i>Uh, listen,
we're not moving her.</i>

2012
01:30:56,080 --> 01:30:57,330
<i>The doctor, they said...</i>

2013
01:31:14,180 --> 01:31:15,140
Have you guys heard of this

2014
01:31:15,220 --> 01:31:16,980
new drug cocktail called cheese?

2015
01:31:18,190 --> 01:31:20,730
Like, that's the name of it,
it's called cheese.

2016
01:31:21,020 --> 01:31:23,980
Um... I saw all these news
reports, and they were like,

2017
01:31:24,070 --> 01:31:25,860
"There's a new drug,
it's called cheese.

2018
01:31:26,490 --> 01:31:27,950
"Everyone's doing it
in the Midwest.

2019
01:31:28,030 --> 01:31:29,070
"Kids are doing it."

2020
01:31:36,750 --> 01:31:38,660
It's just really hard
to do stand-up comedy

2021
01:31:38,750 --> 01:31:40,250
when your girlfriend
is in a coma.

2022
01:31:42,840 --> 01:31:43,960
Uh...

2023
01:31:44,210 --> 01:31:47,050
Not quite sure what part
you were laughing at.

2024
01:31:49,840 --> 01:31:51,180
They say she's fighting,
but she doesn't look like

2025
01:31:51,260 --> 01:31:53,100
she's fighting,
she looks like she's just...

2026
01:31:53,640 --> 01:31:55,160
She looks like
she's just laying there.

2027
01:31:57,220 --> 01:32:00,600
I said horrible things to her,
and, um,

2028
01:32:00,810 --> 01:32:03,560
I said horrible things to her,
I h... I hurt her.

2029
01:32:04,020 --> 01:32:05,270
Um...

2030
01:32:06,070 --> 01:32:07,440
She loves birds.

2031
01:32:07,530 --> 01:32:09,070
Like, she gets excited
every time she sees a bird.

2032
01:32:09,150 --> 01:32:10,320
She's like,

2033
01:32:10,400 --> 01:32:11,700
"Look at this, it's a bird."

2034
01:32:11,780 --> 01:32:14,490
I'm always like, "Yeah,
they're all over the place.

2035
01:32:14,580 --> 01:32:15,700
"They're birds."

2036
01:32:15,790 --> 01:32:17,080
But she, like...

2037
01:32:17,160 --> 01:32:18,580
She likes that bird, you know?

2038
01:32:18,660 --> 01:32:20,540
Every bird she sees,
she sees it.

2039
01:32:25,000 --> 01:32:26,460
Her dad just called

2040
01:32:26,550 --> 01:32:29,090
and said that they can't
transfer her

2041
01:32:31,220 --> 01:32:33,640
because the infection
has reached her heart.

2042
01:32:36,140 --> 01:32:37,310
Uh...

2043
01:32:39,520 --> 01:32:40,520
Which...

2044
01:32:40,600 --> 01:32:42,650
Which means she...

2045
01:32:45,400 --> 01:32:47,150
Which means she could die.

2046
01:32:54,200 --> 01:32:56,660
I don't know if you can
hear me or not, but...

2047
01:32:59,660 --> 01:33:03,540
it would be really good
if you pulled through.

2048
01:33:05,710 --> 01:33:08,750
If you have to go,
you can go, but...

2049
01:33:10,130 --> 01:33:12,010
It would be really great
if you stayed.

2050
01:33:13,180 --> 01:33:14,220
Uh...

2051
01:33:14,470 --> 01:33:18,180
And I'm really sorry
for what I did, okay?

2052
01:33:51,130 --> 01:33:53,300
<i>Dr. Singh, to the pharmacy.</i>

2053
01:33:53,380 --> 01:33:55,590
<i>Dr. Singh, to the pharmacy.</i>

2054
01:34:15,740 --> 01:34:17,620
Mom.

2055
01:34:17,910 --> 01:34:20,450
You're getting your tears
all over me.

2056
01:34:20,830 --> 01:34:22,950
When am I gonna be able
to feel my face?

2057
01:34:23,040 --> 01:34:24,210
Hmm.

2058
01:34:24,290 --> 01:34:25,960
Hey, you gave us
quite a scare there, scout.

2059
01:34:26,040 --> 01:34:27,420
- Really.
- Scout?

2060
01:34:27,500 --> 01:34:29,050
Come on,
I call you that all the time.

2061
01:34:29,130 --> 01:34:30,460
No, not since

2062
01:34:30,540 --> 01:34:31,720
- I was a grown-up.
- Yes, I do.

2063
01:34:31,800 --> 01:34:33,050
I've been calling you that
my whole life.

2064
01:34:33,130 --> 01:34:35,220
Oh, oh, oh, oh!

2065
01:34:35,550 --> 01:34:36,930
Oh.

2066
01:34:37,010 --> 01:34:38,470
- Sorry, hon.
- What's happening?

2067
01:34:38,590 --> 01:34:40,970
- You okay? You all right?
- What is that crap?

2068
01:34:41,060 --> 01:34:42,850
We have to thicken
your liquids for a bit.

2069
01:34:42,930 --> 01:34:45,480
Your esophagus isn't strong
enough to swallow yet.

2070
01:34:45,810 --> 01:34:46,900
That shit tastes like semen.

2071
01:34:46,980 --> 01:34:48,020
That's nice

2072
01:34:48,100 --> 01:34:49,570
- for a father to hear.
- She won't have

2073
01:34:49,650 --> 01:34:50,820
any social inhibitions
until the...

2074
01:34:50,900 --> 01:34:51,980
The anesthetic wears off.

2075
01:34:52,070 --> 01:34:53,200
Seriously, Mom,
you should try this.

2076
01:34:53,280 --> 01:34:55,070
- No, wait a minute, honey.
- Stop saying that.

2077
01:34:55,150 --> 01:34:56,200
- Not the cup.
- Oh, come on,

2078
01:34:56,280 --> 01:34:57,360
come on, come on.

2079
01:34:58,110 --> 01:35:00,740
They'll charge us $48 for it,
don't worry about it.

2080
01:35:02,740 --> 01:35:03,870
Why are you here?

2081
01:35:03,990 --> 01:35:06,080
I... I haven't
heard her voice in a while.

2082
01:35:06,160 --> 01:35:07,870
He's been...
He's been here the whole time.

2083
01:35:08,370 --> 01:35:10,790
Could I speak
with you both outside?

2084
01:35:10,880 --> 01:35:11,880
Yeah.

2085
01:35:12,500 --> 01:35:14,090
- We'll be right back.
- Yeah, we'll be right outside.

2086
01:35:14,170 --> 01:35:15,260
All right.

2087
01:35:21,800 --> 01:35:23,640
Hey.

2088
01:35:23,720 --> 01:35:25,140
Emily has a rare condition

2089
01:35:25,220 --> 01:35:27,690
called adult-onset
Still's disease.

2090
01:35:28,100 --> 01:35:30,480
Kumail mentioned
Emily's hurt ankle,

2091
01:35:30,730 --> 01:35:32,610
and the swelling
still hadn't gone down

2092
01:35:32,690 --> 01:35:34,320
even after several days in bed,

2093
01:35:34,440 --> 01:35:35,780
- which is strange.
- Mmm.

2094
01:35:35,860 --> 01:35:38,990
Still's disease is when
the body thinks healthy tissue

2095
01:35:39,070 --> 01:35:41,700
is an infection,
so it tries to fight it.

2096
01:35:41,780 --> 01:35:43,030
- Uh-huh.
- It's like a big

2097
01:35:43,200 --> 01:35:44,990
biological misunderstanding.

2098
01:35:45,120 --> 01:35:46,330
- Yeah, yeah.
- So,

2099
01:35:46,410 --> 01:35:48,210
we gave her
anti-inflammatories,

2100
01:35:48,290 --> 01:35:49,870
and she stabilized within hours.

2101
01:35:49,960 --> 01:35:52,000
She's gonna take time
to recover,

2102
01:35:52,080 --> 01:35:53,710
but she'll be fine.

2103
01:35:53,960 --> 01:35:56,050
- Wow.
- Full recovery.

2104
01:35:57,210 --> 01:35:58,670
What are you doing here?

2105
01:35:59,380 --> 01:36:00,800
I was visiting someone
down the hall,

2106
01:36:00,880 --> 01:36:02,100
and I was, like,
I'll just pop in

2107
01:36:02,180 --> 01:36:03,850
- and say hi to Emily.
- Oh.

2108
01:36:03,930 --> 01:36:06,470
No, I'm joking.
I'm here for you.

2109
01:36:07,100 --> 01:36:09,940
You're an asshole,
and I don't like you.

2110
01:36:10,190 --> 01:36:12,520
I'm not an asshole.
I'm really not.

2111
01:36:12,610 --> 01:36:13,980
Oh, no, you're an asshole.

2112
01:36:14,060 --> 01:36:15,030
You have a lot of drugs in you,

2113
01:36:15,110 --> 01:36:16,780
so you're, like,
not thinking as clearly.

2114
01:36:16,860 --> 01:36:19,700
No, dawg, I'm not joking.

2115
01:36:20,070 --> 01:36:21,660
You're not funny to me.

2116
01:36:22,280 --> 01:36:23,620
You just make me sad.

2117
01:36:23,990 --> 01:36:26,120
You make me sad
inside of my heart,

2118
01:36:26,200 --> 01:36:27,870
and it makes me sad
to look at you.

2119
01:36:28,830 --> 01:36:31,370
So, I think you should
probably go.

2120
01:36:32,830 --> 01:36:35,290
Just go,
and tell my mom I want her.

2121
01:36:38,710 --> 01:36:40,720
Will you please get my mom?

2122
01:36:44,550 --> 01:36:47,060
- I'm so sorry about that.
- Yeah, it's fine. Yeah.

2123
01:36:48,310 --> 01:36:50,020
Um, Emily wants to see you.

2124
01:36:50,100 --> 01:36:51,100
Oh.

2125
01:36:53,650 --> 01:36:55,230
Um, I'm gonna head out.

2126
01:36:55,770 --> 01:36:57,230
I don't think I should be here.

2127
01:36:58,570 --> 01:37:00,320
Ah, Kumail, here's the thing.

2128
01:37:01,070 --> 01:37:03,110
Your living condition,
it's, uh...

2129
01:37:03,450 --> 01:37:04,950
It's a potential health risk.

2130
01:37:06,530 --> 01:37:08,490
And you're not that funny.

2131
01:37:09,450 --> 01:37:13,580
But you're probably not suited
to do anything else either,

2132
01:37:13,670 --> 01:37:14,960
so that's troublesome.

2133
01:37:15,040 --> 01:37:16,550
You really made it sound
like you were gonna

2134
01:37:16,630 --> 01:37:18,880
say something positive there.

2135
01:37:18,960 --> 01:37:20,670
Yeah, I guess I did, didn't I?

2136
01:37:21,340 --> 01:37:23,010
Well, you know...

2137
01:37:24,890 --> 01:37:26,220
You know I know the good stuff.

2138
01:37:26,300 --> 01:37:27,430
I know the good stuff.

2139
01:37:27,510 --> 01:37:28,890
I don't know, so you know...

2140
01:37:28,970 --> 01:37:30,470
You know how I feel.
I got to...

2141
01:37:31,600 --> 01:37:32,850
- I got to get in.
- Yeah.

2142
01:37:36,520 --> 01:37:38,190
What'd I miss?
What'd I miss?

2143
01:37:38,270 --> 01:37:40,480
Brick on top of
the grilled cheese and...

2144
01:37:40,570 --> 01:37:41,650
Yeah.

2145
01:37:41,740 --> 01:37:43,280
Yeah, I want that.

2146
01:37:43,450 --> 01:37:45,320
- Be right back.
- Bacon or something...

2147
01:37:47,490 --> 01:37:49,450
- Hey.
- Hey.

2148
01:37:50,330 --> 01:37:52,290
So you're gonna hang around
Chicago for a while?

2149
01:37:52,370 --> 01:37:53,330
Yeah.

2150
01:37:53,410 --> 01:37:55,500
- She's got physical therapy.
- Oh.

2151
01:37:56,250 --> 01:37:58,540
Did you ever think
you'd be excited

2152
01:37:58,630 --> 01:38:00,960
to have your daughter
go through physical therapy?

2153
01:38:02,670 --> 01:38:04,050
It's so strange
that we could go through

2154
01:38:04,130 --> 01:38:05,880
one of the most intense
experiences

2155
01:38:05,970 --> 01:38:07,720
of our lives together
and just...

2156
01:38:09,050 --> 01:38:10,970
Just never see each other again.

2157
01:38:11,810 --> 01:38:12,980
Maybe.

2158
01:38:17,020 --> 01:38:18,440
But I hope not.

2159
01:38:32,370 --> 01:38:33,960
threw a bird at you,
and then ran away,

2160
01:38:34,040 --> 01:38:35,250
and you're like, "Oh, crap!

2161
01:38:35,330 --> 01:38:36,460
"I own a bird now!"

2162
01:38:36,920 --> 01:38:38,750
Hi, little sad man.

2163
01:38:38,830 --> 01:38:39,920
Mopey boy.

2164
01:38:40,000 --> 01:38:40,880
Hey.

2165
01:38:40,960 --> 01:38:42,090
We have something to tell you.

2166
01:38:42,170 --> 01:38:43,510
Yes. Tell him.

2167
01:38:43,590 --> 01:38:45,470
- We're moving to New York.
- New York.

2168
01:38:45,550 --> 01:38:46,680
- What?
- Mm-hmm.

2169
01:38:46,760 --> 01:38:48,430
And we want you to come with us.

2170
01:38:48,510 --> 01:38:49,760
Are you serious?

2171
01:38:49,850 --> 01:38:51,850
You got to do it.
It's gonna suck at first,

2172
01:38:51,930 --> 01:38:53,100
but we're gonna have each other,

2173
01:38:53,180 --> 01:38:54,560
and maybe we'll eventually
get paid to write jokes.

2174
01:38:54,640 --> 01:38:55,650
- Mm-hmm.
- It's gonna be the best.

2175
01:38:55,730 --> 01:38:56,600
Come on, dude.

2176
01:38:56,690 --> 01:38:57,690
You have to come.

2177
01:38:58,150 --> 01:39:00,400
I know you did not get Montreal,

2178
01:39:00,480 --> 01:39:02,400
and that is only because

2179
01:39:02,480 --> 01:39:04,490
you did one of the worst sets
I've ever seen

2180
01:39:04,570 --> 01:39:06,150
in my goddamn life.

2181
01:39:06,360 --> 01:39:07,740
- Yeah.
- It was nonsense.

2182
01:39:07,820 --> 01:39:09,110
A living disgrace.

2183
01:39:09,200 --> 01:39:11,950
I would call it shit,
but I would be worried

2184
01:39:12,030 --> 01:39:14,120
that I'd be insulting
actual shit.

2185
01:39:14,240 --> 01:39:17,040
Yeah, it was
so bone-chilling to me,

2186
01:39:17,120 --> 01:39:19,540
I thought a ghost had
passed right through me.

2187
01:39:19,630 --> 01:39:20,630
We don't have to keep going over

2188
01:39:20,710 --> 01:39:21,790
how bad the set was.

2189
01:39:21,880 --> 01:39:22,960
I saw their faces

2190
01:39:23,050 --> 01:39:24,300
and the noises they didn't make.

2191
01:39:24,420 --> 01:39:26,140
I felt one of my eggs die.

2192
01:39:26,220 --> 01:39:27,680
Doesn't that happen,
like, every month?

2193
01:39:27,760 --> 01:39:29,380
It happens every month, Kumail,

2194
01:39:29,470 --> 01:39:31,300
but I don't always
feel it and go...

2195
01:39:36,180 --> 01:39:37,270
And that's what you made me do.

2196
01:39:37,350 --> 01:39:38,640
- Yeah.
- I...

2197
01:39:38,730 --> 01:39:41,770
I'm packing my things up,
and I'm moving to New York,

2198
01:39:41,860 --> 01:39:44,320
and guess what, baby.
You're coming with me.

2199
01:39:44,610 --> 01:39:45,650
What about Chris?

2200
01:39:45,730 --> 01:39:46,740
Have you ever seen a pigeon

2201
01:39:46,820 --> 01:39:48,360
try and pick up another pigeon?

2202
01:39:48,780 --> 01:39:50,110
He will be fine.

2203
01:39:50,200 --> 01:39:52,830
There's not enough room
in the car, probably.

2204
01:39:52,910 --> 01:39:54,330
We leave in a week. All right?

2205
01:39:54,660 --> 01:39:56,670
And I already called shotgun,
Chicago to Pittsburgh.

2206
01:39:56,750 --> 01:39:57,750
Do not fuck this up.

2207
01:39:57,870 --> 01:39:59,250
Your destiny awaits.

2208
01:39:59,330 --> 01:40:00,920
This'll be the biggest
move of your life,

2209
01:40:01,000 --> 01:40:02,920
other than the one
from Pakistan.

2210
01:40:03,000 --> 01:40:05,050
Yeah.

2211
01:40:05,130 --> 01:40:07,130
I didn't have any kind
of epiphany or anything...

2212
01:40:07,210 --> 01:40:09,260
Hey, clink, clink, clink,
clink, clink.

2213
01:40:10,180 --> 01:40:12,390
Hey, everybody. Thank you
for, uh, for coming.

2214
01:40:12,470 --> 01:40:14,100
I just want to say
a couple, uh...

2215
01:40:14,220 --> 01:40:15,430
A couple of words here.

2216
01:40:15,510 --> 01:40:17,470
Mom, why is Kumail here?

2217
01:40:18,350 --> 01:40:20,350
'Cause he was there
the whole time, you know.

2218
01:40:20,810 --> 01:40:23,730
I invited the nurses,
I invited him.

2219
01:40:24,400 --> 01:40:25,860
And, um, for...

2220
01:40:25,940 --> 01:40:27,530
Emily, come on up,
come on up here.

2221
01:40:27,610 --> 01:40:28,650
I want to say something.

2222
01:40:28,740 --> 01:40:29,950
- I want to say something.
- Dad.

2223
01:40:30,030 --> 01:40:31,160
Talk amongst yourselves.

2224
01:40:31,240 --> 01:40:33,910
This might take a...

2225
01:40:33,990 --> 01:40:36,660
Emily successfully peeled
an orange this morning.

2226
01:40:36,740 --> 01:40:38,290
- Dad!
- Yeah.

2227
01:40:38,370 --> 01:40:40,370
It was... It was a clementine.

2228
01:40:40,460 --> 01:40:42,250
Full disclosure, a clementine.

2229
01:40:42,330 --> 01:40:44,130
It's those little ones
that, you know,

2230
01:40:44,420 --> 01:40:46,550
a baby monkey could peel it.

2231
01:40:46,630 --> 01:40:48,340
But, uh, but she did it.

2232
01:40:48,630 --> 01:40:50,670
And... And, yeah, so that's all.
We just...

2233
01:40:50,760 --> 01:40:53,010
Thank you, everybody. Hey...

2234
01:40:56,260 --> 01:40:57,350
Hi.

2235
01:40:58,770 --> 01:41:00,180
I like your cane.

2236
01:41:01,230 --> 01:41:04,100
- I heard pimpin' ain't easy.
- Right.

2237
01:41:04,810 --> 01:41:06,570
Hey, could we talk for a second?

2238
01:41:06,650 --> 01:41:07,820
Sure.

2239
01:41:12,910 --> 01:41:14,950
So I've been collecting
some things, uh,

2240
01:41:15,030 --> 01:41:16,240
that are important to me,

2241
01:41:16,330 --> 01:41:17,870
and I wanted to
show them to you.

2242
01:41:18,910 --> 01:41:20,830
I call this my bag of devotion.

2243
01:41:23,250 --> 01:41:28,380
Uh, so this is, uh,
all the visitor passes

2244
01:41:28,460 --> 01:41:30,920
from when I visited you
when you were in the...

2245
01:41:31,090 --> 01:41:32,260
um...

2246
01:41:40,220 --> 01:41:42,980
So... these are the tickets

2247
01:41:43,060 --> 01:41:45,770
from when your parents
came to see me perform,

2248
01:41:46,230 --> 01:41:49,730
and, uh, I... I realized
how great they are,

2249
01:41:50,030 --> 01:41:53,450
and how great you are,

2250
01:41:53,740 --> 01:41:56,070
and how great honesty is.

2251
01:41:59,580 --> 01:42:00,740
What did you do?

2252
01:42:00,910 --> 01:42:02,750
Did you cremate someone?

2253
01:42:02,870 --> 01:42:06,080
These are the ashes
of all the Pakistani women...

2254
01:42:06,920 --> 01:42:08,000
Not the women...

2255
01:42:08,210 --> 01:42:10,590
The pictures of
the Pakistani women.

2256
01:42:11,210 --> 01:42:14,470
I thought this was a good idea,
and it feels kind of...

2257
01:42:14,970 --> 01:42:16,340
It feels a little stupid.

2258
01:42:25,690 --> 01:42:27,810
I know I was
a terrible boyfriend,

2259
01:42:29,690 --> 01:42:31,320
but I have changed.

2260
01:42:31,650 --> 01:42:33,530
And I am the person
you need me to be.

2261
01:42:33,610 --> 01:42:34,780
I really am.

2262
01:42:35,150 --> 01:42:36,570
So...

2263
01:42:38,700 --> 01:42:40,200
Will you take me back?

2264
01:42:42,540 --> 01:42:44,660
Kumail, I'm really glad
that you...

2265
01:42:46,040 --> 01:42:48,750
went through this experience,

2266
01:42:50,250 --> 01:42:51,670
but you have to understand that

2267
01:42:51,750 --> 01:42:53,840
that all happened
when I was asleep.

2268
01:42:54,880 --> 01:42:57,880
Like, you felt one way
a few weeks ago,

2269
01:42:57,970 --> 01:43:00,640
and now you're saying you feel
the total opposite way,

2270
01:43:00,720 --> 01:43:01,930
and the only thing
that's changed

2271
01:43:02,010 --> 01:43:03,310
is that I was in a coma.

2272
01:43:03,520 --> 01:43:05,310
Honestly, I... I...

2273
01:43:06,810 --> 01:43:08,850
I look at all of this,
and I just think,

2274
01:43:08,940 --> 01:43:10,560
you know,
I just can't do it again.

2275
01:43:10,980 --> 01:43:12,070
- And I can't...
- I...

2276
01:43:12,150 --> 01:43:16,030
I can't be the reason
that you don't have a family.

2277
01:43:20,620 --> 01:43:22,410
It just feels
totally different now.

2278
01:43:23,580 --> 01:43:25,410
And I can't do that again.

2279
01:43:27,870 --> 01:43:29,370
Do you understand?

2280
01:43:34,090 --> 01:43:35,260
- Okay.
- Okay?

2281
01:43:35,340 --> 01:43:37,470
Okay.

2282
01:44:48,040 --> 01:44:49,160
Sorry.

2283
01:44:49,790 --> 01:44:50,790
Ma.

2284
01:44:52,040 --> 01:44:52,870
Dad.

2285
01:44:52,960 --> 01:44:55,040
Fatima<i>. Bhai. Kya haal hai?</i>

2286
01:44:55,750 --> 01:44:57,210
Oh, there's no plate.

2287
01:45:01,130 --> 01:45:02,130
Oh.

2288
01:45:02,880 --> 01:45:05,100
Oh, I forgot, um, I've decided

2289
01:45:05,180 --> 01:45:07,100
I won't let you
kick me out of the family.

2290
01:45:07,430 --> 01:45:09,140
Since I'm a member
of the family,

2291
01:45:09,220 --> 01:45:10,980
it would stand to reason
that I would get a vote

2292
01:45:11,060 --> 01:45:12,940
in whether or not
I get kicked out,

2293
01:45:13,020 --> 01:45:15,190
and that vote would have
to be unanimous,

2294
01:45:15,270 --> 01:45:16,730
standard parliamentary
procedure.

2295
01:45:16,820 --> 01:45:19,940
So, all those in favor
of not kicking Kumail

2296
01:45:20,030 --> 01:45:21,740
out of the family,
raise your hand.

2297
01:45:24,320 --> 01:45:27,410
Great. Motion to kick Kumail
out of the family denied.

2298
01:45:27,910 --> 01:45:29,660
So, you guys can
just talk to me.

2299
01:45:31,830 --> 01:45:33,670
Okay, you're giving me
the silent treatment.

2300
01:45:34,620 --> 01:45:37,040
I figured that was
what was gonna happen.

2301
01:45:37,130 --> 01:45:38,550
I have a solution.

2302
01:45:38,630 --> 01:45:41,300
So, "Hi, how are you?"

2303
01:45:41,420 --> 01:45:43,340
That's just a real basic one.
You know.

2304
01:45:44,590 --> 01:45:47,050
"Pass the salt."
Practical.

2305
01:45:48,640 --> 01:45:50,350
"Always with the comedy."

2306
01:45:50,430 --> 01:45:53,520
Mom, made that one
specially for you.

2307
01:45:54,270 --> 01:45:57,440
"Kumail, how did you become
so much more handsome

2308
01:45:57,520 --> 01:45:59,570
"than your brother NAVEED?"

2309
01:45:59,650 --> 01:46:01,030
Bullshit.

2310
01:46:04,990 --> 01:46:06,820
I admit, this one is designed

2311
01:46:06,910 --> 01:46:08,490
to stir up some controversy.

2312
01:46:10,540 --> 01:46:12,080
"It's interesting
how you can't really

2313
01:46:12,160 --> 01:46:14,040
"kick someone out
of your family because

2314
01:46:14,160 --> 01:46:17,790
"they will always be
your family."

2315
01:46:20,090 --> 01:46:22,260
I agree with that one.
That's a good one.

2316
01:46:22,670 --> 01:46:26,640
So, I'm gonna leave these
here for you.

2317
01:46:32,100 --> 01:46:33,890
I am sorry I lied
about the girls

2318
01:46:33,980 --> 01:46:35,520
and the LSAT and all of that.

2319
01:46:35,600 --> 01:46:36,730
That was wrong.

2320
01:46:37,150 --> 01:46:38,440
And one more thing.

2321
01:46:38,560 --> 01:46:41,610
I'm moving to New York
to pursue stand-up,

2322
01:46:42,610 --> 01:46:45,860
but I am not leaving
this family.

2323
01:47:05,510 --> 01:47:09,180
<i>My parents, um, they want
me to get arrange married.</i>

2324
01:47:09,340 --> 01:47:13,140
<i>Or, as it's, uh,
called in Pakistan, romance!</i>

2325
01:47:13,220 --> 01:47:14,270
<i>And earlier today,</i>

2326
01:47:14,350 --> 01:47:15,650
<i>I told them everything.
I told them</i>

2327
01:47:15,730 --> 01:47:18,600
<i>about my life,
I told them about Emily.</i>

2328
01:47:19,440 --> 01:47:21,440
<i>They kicked me
out of the family.</i>

2329
01:47:21,900 --> 01:47:23,440
<i>I may never talk to them again.</i>

2330
01:47:24,070 --> 01:47:25,750
<i>So, that happened.</i>

2331
01:47:26,280 --> 01:47:28,070
- What is it?
- Can I come in?

2332
01:47:29,160 --> 01:47:30,320
Okay.

2333
01:47:30,950 --> 01:47:32,030
I swear, you and Dad

2334
01:47:32,120 --> 01:47:33,700
are just like
my freshman year roommate,

2335
01:47:33,790 --> 01:47:36,290
but instead of just,
like, boning random dudes,

2336
01:47:36,370 --> 01:47:38,210
you're just parenting
all the time.

2337
01:47:39,460 --> 01:47:42,500
All over the place.
In every room of the house.

2338
01:47:43,550 --> 01:47:45,260
Including right next to me.

2339
01:47:48,840 --> 01:47:50,090
We got to go.

2340
01:47:51,050 --> 01:47:52,050
Home?

2341
01:47:52,350 --> 01:47:53,390
- No.
- Yeah.

2342
01:47:53,560 --> 01:47:54,640
It's time.

2343
01:47:56,430 --> 01:47:57,850
I'm not ready.

2344
01:47:58,230 --> 01:47:59,270
Yeah, you know what?

2345
01:47:59,560 --> 01:48:00,770
You're strong.

2346
01:48:01,730 --> 01:48:02,900
And you are.

2347
01:48:06,820 --> 01:48:09,900
And we would go to the mosque
and hear graphic details

2348
01:48:09,990 --> 01:48:12,530
of religious people
being killed 1,400 years ago.

2349
01:48:12,620 --> 01:48:15,620
I mean, like,
Tarantino-esque details.

2350
01:48:15,700 --> 01:48:17,210
And everyone would be crying,

2351
01:48:17,290 --> 01:48:20,040
like, competing to see
who could cry the hardest.

2352
01:48:20,170 --> 01:48:21,960
And I could never cry.

2353
01:48:22,170 --> 01:48:23,460
And I was like,
what is wrong with me?

2354
01:48:23,540 --> 01:48:24,510
Am I broken?

2355
01:48:24,590 --> 01:48:26,050
The only time
I've cried that much

2356
01:48:26,130 --> 01:48:28,210
is during
the first 15 minutes of <i>Up.</i>

2357
01:48:30,470 --> 01:48:32,300
This is a picture of me
and my mother.

2358
01:48:32,550 --> 01:48:33,970
I'm seven years old.

2359
01:48:34,260 --> 01:48:37,180
You know people, they talk
about the... the New York water.

2360
01:48:37,470 --> 01:48:39,640
Chicago water
is very underrated, I think.

2361
01:48:39,770 --> 01:48:40,730
It's good.

2362
01:48:40,810 --> 01:48:42,060
Hey, guys.

2363
01:48:42,150 --> 01:48:44,690
I think I might
just pop out for a bit.

2364
01:48:45,150 --> 01:48:46,480
What, by yourself?

2365
01:48:46,940 --> 01:48:49,190
Yeah, just hop around the block.

2366
01:48:49,440 --> 01:48:50,950
Maybe get some frozen yogurt.

2367
01:48:51,070 --> 01:48:52,360
You okay?
Can you do it?

2368
01:48:52,450 --> 01:48:53,950
Can you walk by yourself?

2369
01:48:54,030 --> 01:48:55,280
- Yeah, Dad.
- All right.

2370
01:48:55,660 --> 01:48:56,660
Have fun.

2371
01:48:56,830 --> 01:48:59,040
If you feel a coma
coming on, call us.

2372
01:48:59,290 --> 01:49:01,080
- Dad, it's too soon.
- Right.

2373
01:49:02,290 --> 01:49:03,630
I love you,
I'll see you in the morning.

2374
01:49:03,710 --> 01:49:04,790
- Love you.
- Bye.

2375
01:49:04,880 --> 01:49:05,750
Okay. Love you. Bye.

2376
01:49:05,840 --> 01:49:07,300
- Have fun.
- I will.

2377
01:49:07,380 --> 01:49:08,800
- Got your phone?
- Yep.

2378
01:49:11,670 --> 01:49:12,640
But you liked it, huh?

2379
01:49:12,720 --> 01:49:14,390
Yeah. I mean...

2380
01:49:15,970 --> 01:49:16,970
Yeah.

2381
01:49:17,140 --> 01:49:18,430
I mean...

2382
01:49:22,190 --> 01:49:24,020
- Hey.
- Hi.

2383
01:49:26,440 --> 01:49:28,400
- What are you doing here?
- Uh...

2384
01:49:28,480 --> 01:49:29,490
I was in the neighborhood,

2385
01:49:29,570 --> 01:49:32,150
and I saw that you were
gonna be here,

2386
01:49:32,240 --> 01:49:34,820
so I thought I'd come say hi.

2387
01:49:35,620 --> 01:49:36,660
You look great.

2388
01:49:37,030 --> 01:49:38,490
How's your blood oxygen level?

2389
01:49:38,700 --> 01:49:40,870
Oh, well within range.

2390
01:49:41,040 --> 01:49:42,910
Nice.

2391
01:49:44,620 --> 01:49:48,630
Um, this is my brother, NAVEED.

2392
01:49:49,300 --> 01:49:51,130
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi. I'm Emily.

2393
01:49:51,210 --> 01:49:52,630
I've heard lots about you.

2394
01:49:52,920 --> 01:49:54,470
It's so good
to finally meet you.

2395
01:49:54,550 --> 01:49:55,590
Yeah.

2396
01:49:57,600 --> 01:50:00,930
There's actually something
I wanted to, uh, tell you.

2397
01:50:05,150 --> 01:50:07,520
Okay, well, I'm gonna just...

2398
01:50:08,610 --> 01:50:09,770
- Good-bye.
- Bye.

2399
01:50:11,440 --> 01:50:12,820
See you, <i>Bhai.</i>

2400
01:50:24,120 --> 01:50:25,420
Are you warm enough?

2401
01:50:26,250 --> 01:50:28,630
Yeah, yeah. I got
my two pairs of socks on.

2402
01:51:01,160 --> 01:51:02,580
Do you mind?

2403
01:51:04,660 --> 01:51:05,830
No.

2404
01:51:15,510 --> 01:51:17,680
I'm glad
we're going home tomorrow.

2405
01:51:18,380 --> 01:51:19,760
Me, too.

2406
01:51:20,850 --> 01:51:22,760
See? I should've
brushed my teeth.

2407
01:51:24,640 --> 01:51:25,890
I like it.

2408
01:51:27,100 --> 01:51:28,900
When something
like this happens,

2409
01:51:29,020 --> 01:51:30,520
there's this sort of expectation

2410
01:51:30,610 --> 01:51:32,650
that you're gonna
have this completely,

2411
01:51:33,020 --> 01:51:34,980
like, new lease on life, and...

2412
01:51:36,150 --> 01:51:38,150
feel totally different
about everything,

2413
01:51:38,240 --> 01:51:41,660
and, like,
cherish every sunrise,

2414
01:51:42,740 --> 01:51:44,330
and, like, for the most part,

2415
01:51:44,410 --> 01:51:46,580
I just feel like, ugh,
I can't get up that early.

2416
01:51:47,160 --> 01:51:48,710
You know?

2417
01:51:51,750 --> 01:51:52,750
I'm sorry, I feel like

2418
01:51:52,840 --> 01:51:54,130
I've been talking
about myself so much.

2419
01:51:54,210 --> 01:51:55,050
No.

2420
01:51:55,130 --> 01:51:56,130
Are you doing
a lot of stand-up?

2421
01:51:56,210 --> 01:51:58,680
- Are you...
- Yeah. I, uh,

2422
01:51:58,760 --> 01:52:02,720
bombed my Montreal
Comedy Festival audition.

2423
01:52:02,930 --> 01:52:04,100
Like, horrifically, like...

2424
01:52:04,180 --> 01:52:05,560
I saw the video.

2425
01:52:07,350 --> 01:52:08,230
Yeah.

2426
01:52:08,310 --> 01:52:09,890
- It wasn't great.
- No... No.

2427
01:52:09,980 --> 01:52:11,600
I'll be honest with you,
it wasn't great.

2428
01:52:11,690 --> 01:52:13,060
No. I know.

2429
01:52:13,270 --> 01:52:17,400
But there was a lot I liked.
Like a... like a lot I liked.

2430
01:52:22,530 --> 01:52:24,080
I'm moving to New York.

2431
01:52:26,580 --> 01:52:27,700
Really?

2432
01:52:27,790 --> 01:52:29,000
Yeah, um...

2433
01:52:30,120 --> 01:52:31,830
Mary and CJ and I are, like...

2434
01:52:34,790 --> 01:52:38,170
Just gonna drive out, and we
have a place all ready, and...

2435
01:52:40,340 --> 01:52:42,760
- When do you leave?
- Next weekend.

2436
01:52:43,600 --> 01:52:46,430
I... I'm so excited for you.
That is so great.

2437
01:52:46,680 --> 01:52:48,930
Like, you are going to just...

2438
01:52:49,270 --> 01:52:50,940
do so great in New York.

2439
01:52:54,400 --> 01:52:55,610
What were you gonna say?

2440
01:52:56,650 --> 01:52:57,690
What?

2441
01:52:58,320 --> 01:53:00,320
You said you were gonna
say something to me.

2442
01:53:01,360 --> 01:53:02,530
What was it?

2443
01:53:05,580 --> 01:53:08,490
Oh, just that I, um,
I wanted to thank you.

2444
01:53:09,620 --> 01:53:10,790
Uh, my parents told me

2445
01:53:10,870 --> 01:53:12,210
everything that you did for me,

2446
01:53:12,290 --> 01:53:13,750
and I feel like
the last time we spoke,

2447
01:53:13,830 --> 01:53:15,630
I didn't properly
thank you, so...

2448
01:53:15,920 --> 01:53:17,840
Oh. Yeah.

2449
01:53:18,340 --> 01:53:21,130
Totally fine.

2450
01:53:22,090 --> 01:53:23,550
I should probably go.

2451
01:53:23,640 --> 01:53:26,850
- Do you want to call an Uber?
- No, I'm gonna walk, actually.

2452
01:53:26,930 --> 01:53:29,520
So, this has been really great.

2453
01:53:30,020 --> 01:53:31,060
All right.

2454
01:53:31,520 --> 01:53:33,730
- Okay, bye.
- Yeah.

2455
01:53:40,280 --> 01:53:41,320
The scene is gonna be, like,

2456
01:53:41,400 --> 01:53:42,900
so different with you guys gone.

2457
01:53:43,400 --> 01:53:45,320
Well, you should come out.

2458
01:53:46,780 --> 01:53:48,580
No, I'm... I'm good here.

2459
01:53:49,040 --> 01:53:51,200
- I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you.

2460
01:53:53,210 --> 01:53:54,500
Get out of here, you assholes.

2461
01:53:54,580 --> 01:53:55,420
All right.

2462
01:53:55,500 --> 01:53:56,880
Come here, you big dummy.

2463
01:53:58,670 --> 01:54:00,050
- Bye.
- I'll miss you.

2464
01:54:06,640 --> 01:54:08,390
You're still kicked out
of the family.

2465
01:54:08,640 --> 01:54:10,560
But because we did not
get a proper chance

2466
01:54:10,640 --> 01:54:11,640
to say bye to you, so...

2467
01:54:13,310 --> 01:54:15,520
Your mother
is so angry with you.

2468
01:54:16,270 --> 01:54:17,610
She's not going to
get out of the car.

2469
01:54:17,690 --> 01:54:19,090
She's not even going
to look at you.

2470
01:54:19,730 --> 01:54:21,570
I don't believe that you kept
so much of secret

2471
01:54:21,650 --> 01:54:22,820
from me, your father.

2472
01:54:23,860 --> 01:54:24,950
Sorry.

2473
01:54:26,360 --> 01:54:27,410
Here.

2474
01:54:27,910 --> 01:54:29,330
She asked me
to give this to you.

2475
01:54:30,240 --> 01:54:31,290
Mutton biryani.

2476
01:54:31,540 --> 01:54:32,660
For your trip.

2477
01:54:32,950 --> 01:54:34,120
Your favorite.

2478
01:54:35,250 --> 01:54:38,460
She made it herself, specially
for you, with extra potatoes.

2479
01:54:40,170 --> 01:54:41,340
Thank you, Ma!

2480
01:54:43,210 --> 01:54:45,170
- Is she okay?
- Right now?

2481
01:54:45,300 --> 01:54:46,340
No.

2482
01:54:47,300 --> 01:54:48,300
I'll miss you.

2483
01:54:48,720 --> 01:54:51,140
I'm forbidden
from hugging you, so...

2484
01:54:53,020 --> 01:54:54,770
it was nice to
have you as my son.

2485
01:54:56,810 --> 01:54:58,190
Good-bye forever.

2486
01:55:00,150 --> 01:55:02,280
And do me a favor,
when you reach New York,

2487
01:55:02,360 --> 01:55:06,110
just text us and tell us that
you've reached safely, okay?

2488
01:55:07,860 --> 01:55:09,120
I will.

2489
01:55:10,450 --> 01:55:11,910
Dad, can I ask you something?

2490
01:55:13,410 --> 01:55:15,580
When you and Mom
went on your first date,

2491
01:55:16,080 --> 01:55:17,460
what movie did you see?

2492
01:55:18,920 --> 01:55:20,210
<i>Satte Pe Satta.</i>

2493
01:55:25,670 --> 01:55:26,670
Her favorite song.

2494
01:55:27,300 --> 01:55:28,340
Why you asking?

2495
01:55:29,590 --> 01:55:30,890
I was just curious.

2496
01:55:31,260 --> 01:55:32,430
Okay.

2497
01:55:50,700 --> 01:55:51,740
- Let's do it.
- Let's do it.

2498
01:55:51,820 --> 01:55:52,660
- Okay.
- All right.

2499
01:55:52,740 --> 01:55:53,790
- See you later, dudes.
- Let's do it.

2500
01:55:53,870 --> 01:55:55,200
- See you.
- Hey, we'll text.

2501
01:55:55,290 --> 01:55:56,530
- Ooh, sorry.
- Yeah, please do.

2502
01:56:01,290 --> 01:56:03,380
<i>So, the first time
I came to America,</i>

2503
01:56:03,460 --> 01:56:04,670
<i>I was, like, 14,</i>

2504
01:56:04,750 --> 01:56:06,630
<i>and I was just visiting
my uncle in New York,</i>

2505
01:56:06,710 --> 01:56:08,420
<i>and it just happened
to be Thanksgiving.</i>

2506
01:56:08,720 --> 01:56:11,090
<i>My first day in America,
my uncle took me</i>

2507
01:56:11,180 --> 01:56:13,350
<i>to the Macy's
Thanksgiving Day parade.</i>

2508
01:56:14,560 --> 01:56:17,230
<i>And I was like, "This is
every day in America!"</i>

2509
01:56:17,930 --> 01:56:19,640
<i>As advertised.</i>

2510
01:56:20,480 --> 01:56:24,070
<i>Every day, they have a party
celebrating Garfield.</i>

2511
01:56:24,820 --> 01:56:27,030
No day has lived up to that day.

2512
01:56:28,950 --> 01:56:30,950
I was, uh, lying to my parents,

2513
01:56:31,030 --> 01:56:32,820
I was telling them
I was gonna be a lawyer.

2514
01:56:33,370 --> 01:56:34,620
And they're very disappointed

2515
01:56:34,700 --> 01:56:36,370
'cause they wanted me
to be a doctor.

2516
01:56:37,450 --> 01:56:39,000
You guys are like,
why didn't you just tell them

2517
01:56:39,080 --> 01:56:40,710
that you wanted to be a doctor?

2518
01:56:40,790 --> 01:56:41,960
It's a lie anyway, and I'm like,

2519
01:56:42,040 --> 01:56:43,240
well, it has to be believable.

2520
01:56:43,630 --> 01:56:45,210
If I told them
"I want to be a doctor,"

2521
01:56:45,290 --> 01:56:46,710
they'd be like, "Bullshit."

2522
01:56:47,130 --> 01:56:49,720
If I said "lawyer,"
they're like, "Oh, okay.

2523
01:56:49,800 --> 01:56:50,720
"That's something."

2524
01:56:50,800 --> 01:56:52,300
'Cause there's
a strict hierarchy.

2525
01:56:52,470 --> 01:56:55,470
It's doctor, engineer, lawyer,

2526
01:56:55,890 --> 01:56:57,310
hundreds of jobs,

2527
01:56:58,180 --> 01:56:59,980
ISIS, then comedian.

2528
01:57:05,270 --> 01:57:07,730
Ah, I'm sorry.

2529
01:57:07,820 --> 01:57:09,900
It's very rude
to heckle comedians.

2530
01:57:10,110 --> 01:57:11,280
Oh, that wasn't a heckle.

2531
01:57:11,360 --> 01:57:12,780
I just kind of
whoo-hoo'd for you.

2532
01:57:12,860 --> 01:57:14,700
Well, see,
that's a common misconception.

2533
01:57:14,780 --> 01:57:16,280
Heckling doesn't have
to be negative.

2534
01:57:16,450 --> 01:57:19,290
So if I was like, "Oh, my God,
you're amazing in bed!"

2535
01:57:19,370 --> 01:57:21,040
That would be a...

2536
01:57:21,120 --> 01:57:22,210
heckle?

2537
01:57:22,290 --> 01:57:24,630
Yeah, and now you're getting
more laughs than me,

2538
01:57:24,710 --> 01:57:25,750
and I don't like that.

2539
01:57:25,840 --> 01:57:27,300
Do you want to come up,
do my job?

2540
01:57:27,550 --> 01:57:28,380
Let's talk about...

2541
01:57:28,460 --> 01:57:30,010
So, are you
from out of town, ma'am?

2542
01:57:30,420 --> 01:57:33,090
- Chicago.
- Ooh, Windy City.

2543
01:57:33,720 --> 01:57:35,600
And what brings you to New York?

2544
01:57:36,300 --> 01:57:39,140
- Here to see someone.
- And, um...

2545
01:57:39,390 --> 01:57:41,560
Have you seen him?
Or her? I mean, I don't...

2546
01:57:41,640 --> 01:57:43,850
I don't know
what your deal is, but...

2547
01:57:43,940 --> 01:57:45,480
Yeah, I've seen him.