the fact that Trump wants to take cover away from 630,000 Ohioans who took up Obamacare last year, and if he gets away with it, some of those poor souls are possibly going to die, the fact that I’m glad we’re not on Obamacare, genocide, femicide, the fact that I will never see Mommy again, or Abby, or Bathsheba, or Pepito, and these are permanent sadnesses, the fact that I never liked the idea of anything being permanent, scars and wounds and such, chipped tooth, “never since the loss of her dear mother,” Anne Elliott, Do The Macarena, doing the dab, “A little dab’ll do ya,” the fact that Anne Elliott thinks about her mom every time she plays the piano, and that’s how I feel, I mean without the piano, the fact that it’s how I feel all the time, the fact that I haven’t felt loved since Mommy got sick, well, apart from Leo, that is, and Abby, and maybe Phoebe and Ethan, but they’re far away, and Daddy, and Chuck maybe, and Nanya, I suppose, or Anat sometimes, and the chickens, the fact that at least the chickens really do love me, the fact that we kill fifty or sixty billion chickens a year, not me, other people, the fact that Mommy’s illness wrecked my life, the fact that it broke me, the fact that I am broken, heartbroken, heart operation, heart scar, broke, Yueyaquan, Leo, the fact that that mean doctor gave me antibiotics for bronchitis, but so reluctantly, the fact that he seemed to hate me, and I never knew why, but that was years ago, the fact that I sure can hold a grudge, the fact that once in a while I remember too much maybe, Persuasion, plainsong, Schubert part songs, Pleasantville, Plainfield VT, taking the rap, the fact that the best way to tackle grouting is to apply all your frustrations to the task, all your humiliations too, all your flops and failures, flop sweat, slap happy, force, fork, torque, work, energy, statics, dynamics, stress analysis, the fact that statics is the study of bodies in equilibrium, civil engineering, civil rights, civic duty, “Buck up,” the fact that I hate it, the fact that I just slump when Leo’s not here, but there are boarlets, the fact that boarlets exist, the fact that even now, somewhere on earth, there must be some boarlets, sweet boarlets with horizontal stripes in black and brown and white, and tiny, little, miniature-sized trotters, the fact that I just think those horizontal stripes of theirs make life worth living, the fact that my mouth is dry and I’m getting a pimple on my chin, the fact that I still get zits, at my age, the fact that we still have about thirty sealed packing crates in the attic and I have no idea what’s in them, the fact that Stace and I moved in here ten years ago, but I’m too scared of hurting my back lugging all that stuff around, and I’m too busy,the fact that Trump wants to get mining and oil drilling going in all the National Parks, MAGA, MSM, the fact that next he’ll get somebody to shave off Abe Lincoln’s beard at Mount Rushmore, the fact that I always thought Mount Rushmore just came like that, when I was a kid, the fact that I thought it was a natural phenomenon, the fact that I was a pretty dumb kid, the fact that it really took me a long time to figure that out, Santa too, but finally I got it all straight, or I think so, somewhat straight, Gutzon Borglum, the fact that there is no Santa and geology didn’t come with portraits of our presidents, the fact that it had help, “Rapid Sssitty, Sssouth Dakota,” James Mason, Trump Tower, beauty pageants, sexual harassment, “ssssexual harassssment,” George Washington, the fact that Roger Ailes was born in Warren, Ohio, Teddy Roosevelt, Thomas Jefferson, Roger Ailes, but other people come from there too, the fact that I like the way people gesticulate when they’re giving directions, I just love it, Self-Taught Two-Year-Old Drummer, the fact that in my opinion, if you haven’t gesticulated you haven’t really given directions, the fact that the girls in Stacy’s Morning Routine videos gesticulate an awful lot, but they’re just out of control, the fact that I don’t like “exuberant,” or “exude” either, the fact that they’re almost as bad as “extrude,” excruciating, the fact that Daddy once asked this guy Gavin how school was, and Gavin said “excruciating,” which embarrassed me but Daddy loved it, the fact that I bet Daddy wished I had a vocabulary like Gavin’s and could say things like “excruciating,” the fact that Gavin was a new boy, the fact that I hardly even knew him so it was kind of galling that Daddy took such a shine to him, the fact that finding dead leaves where you didn’t expect them to be, like in our vestibule, sundogs, dogwhistles, whistleblowers, gesticulate, reticule, vestibule, residue, fibula, investiture, the fact that what I call the vestibule, I think Leo just calls the inner door, or hall door, the fact that I can’t actually remember what he calls it, the fact that there are some things on which couples just can never agree, the fact that it depends on the way you were brought up, the fact that does that mean incestuous brother-and-sister or sister-and-sister or brother-and-brother couples agree on more stuff, since they were brought up the same way, the fact that if you have a son by your dad, your son is also your brother, the fact that he’d be both your dad’s son and his grandson, weird, the fact that nobody ever talks about these things, but this stuff probably goes on all the time and there’s nothing anybody can do about it, exude, extrude, exeunt, exit, pursued by a bear, lychgate, the fact that Leo doesn’t think our vestibule is big enough to deserve the word “vestibule,” the fact that he thinks a vestibule is like the porch of a church, the fact that OoJ stands for obstruction of justice, which is something Trump gets up to all the time, fiddlehead ferns, podding peas, home-canning, the fact that somebody should really do something about that whole problem, sort it out once and for all, I mean “affect” and “effect,” not OoJ, the fact that it’s okay when you’re just talking, because nobody can tell you don’t know how to spell them, spelling bee, quilting bee, crochet bee, family tree, Mommy, sassy as can be , the fact that the Senate could just declare that it’s always going to be “effect” from now on, and never “affect,” and just dump affect entirely, and that would be the end of it, Imitation of Life, Lifting As We Climb, the fact that Abby was a queen of housekeeping, whereas I’m a slob, a slugabed, “Divorced, broke and sloppy,” the fact that she was so punctilious that even her attic and her basement were orderly, which seems sort of unnatural to me, but nice and all, of course, the fact that I loved the smell of old pine in her attic, tsunami, tater tots, deep-fried cheese curds, straight line winds, cyclone, the fact that she’d be horrified by our attic, Alec Baldwin, but I don’t know, attics and basements kind of cry out for anarchy, I think, and maybe it’s not right to thwart them, old junk, old papers, papers, the fact that an attic’s better for jelly bean hunts if it’s all messy, the fact that Abby ran a tight ship, that’s for sure, sore hip, flip, bug, fly, itch, pimple, dear Abby, “Dear Abby,” Skippy Peanut Butter, Skip to my Lou, my darlin’ , humpback trunks, humpback whales, those poor little terrapins, the fact that our attic’s still full of Aunt Sophia’s junk, that she left to Leo’s parents, the fact that I shouldn’t call it junk, the fact that they’re heirlooms, “expelled heir from vagina,” now how did I, why did I, dear me, back, sac and crack, for Pete’s sake, what is with me today, the fact that we ended up with it all, the heirlooms, Family Owned Since 1946, like Aunt Sophia’s cherry corner cupboard, the press back rocker, the banjo clock, the Shaker chair with the nice drawers on the side, the wicker high chair Jake’s grown out of now, all that Bavarian china, the rag rugs that aren’t half as nice as Abby’s, the guns, bullet molds, candle molds, the moose head that scares kids at Hallowe’en, Aunt Sophia’s old butter churn, an ornate cream skimmer, the fact that I think there are some old, old Amish toys in one of the trunks, pretty fragile now, and then there’s the ox yoke, the fact that we’ve got Aunt Sophia’s parents in our room, the framed photo, not the parents, and the locket with the pressed four-leaf clover, the fact that that’s in my jewelry box along with Aunt Sophia’s hard-earned watch pendant, commemorating forty years of playing bridge at her bridge club, the fact that it has a weird, thick, square gold chain, the fact that Trump called Melania a “monster” when she was pregnant, and maybe she is a monster, but he’s one to talk, big fat bully, “grab ’em by the ——,” the fact that the idea of a makeover scares the heck out of me, the fact that I’m too shy for that kind of thing, the fact that the same goes for manicures, or personal shoppers, the fact that the first time I even heard of personal shoppers I was horrified, the fact that I can’t imagine anything worse than being told what to wear by a stranger, hijab, the fact that some manicurist got run over by a customer who refused to pay, the fact that I don’t know how you can enjoy your nails after you killed your manicurist, the fact that what Stace doesn’t get is that I’m just a manual laborer, and the one good thing about being a manual laborer is that it’s not practical to get all dolled up to go to work, the fact that I hope Stacy never has to find this out the hard way, glamorpuss, closure, zip code, 43832, NASCAR racing, doily, dolly, Dilly, willy-nilly, folkloric, the fact that a female police officer led a double life for nine years, Horror Movie Hotel, the fact that nobody knows exactly what she got up to, but don’t all police officers lead a double life, like when they’re off-duty, Good Cop, Bad Cop, cancer cluster, the fact that how do you bear it if your kid dies from cancer because your town’s polluted, the fact that that Nickel Mines book talked like the Amish are all just supposed to accept that their kids might get killed at school any day of the week, but no mother can accept that, nobody can, the fact that they must be crazee, the fact that I don’t care how religious a woman may be, the fact that you don’t just get over that sort of thing, the fact that it’s not just my outfits that bug Stace though, the fact that it’s everything I do, or don’t do, the fact that, boy, she keeps a beady eye on me, the fact that it starts to feel like she’s been glaring at you all day long, from dawn to dusk, creepy, crepuscular, muscular, muscle man, the fact that she really seems to watch my every move, waiting for me to do something she can get me for, or maybe just so she can feel even more disgusted with me, the fact that she makes me so nervous, the fact that she’s got me so spooked and frazzled I’m scared of all young women now, because when I look at them I see another potential mother-hater, the fact that I always wonder now how they treat their own moms, the fact that I avoid young women whenever possible, the fact that they frighten me, they do, the fact that I probably wouldn’t be too great about things if Leo was a philanderer, because I’m the jealous type, boy am I jealous, like even if he even has a glass of wine without me I’m jealous, but some men are honorable, the fact that they’re not all Bill Clinton, or Trump, giving everybody French smackeroos on the mouth the first time they meet, the fact that Bill Clinton’s always trying to bite women’s lips, the fact that he couldn’t take his eyes off Melania at the inauguration, even though she was wearing that blue straitjacket dress, the fact that I shouldn’t be so judgmental, but I don’t know if coat-dresses ever really work, dear me, what’s the matter with me, the fact that being married to Bill Clinton’s a whole different ball-game, that’s for sure, campaign hat, hat campaign, scenario, “I did not have sex with that woman,” the fact that Leo thinks Bill must’ve promised Hillary the presidency to make up for all his shenanigans, but then she didn’t win, so now what, the fact that George Bailey offers Mary the moon in It’s a Wonderful Life, the fact that they didn’t have much money, Shirley Jackson and whatshisname, what with his teaching and book-reviewing and flirting and all, the fact that he sort of bullied her into writing, to help make ends meet, what was his name now, infidelities, the real deal, the fact that we’ve still got autumn leaves in the corners of the basement, the fact that Hillary must have known Bill was no picnic when they got married, the fact that I don’t like her much but there was nobody else to vote for, free country, Hyman, the fact that Shirley Jackson’s husband was called Hyman, hymen, silkworms, starfish, toilet paper, little pillow, the fact that Grandma would hardly let me out of her condo for one minute, even though I was nineteen or something, and she wouldn’t even let me have a glass of beer, the fact that it was really hot out, and her fridge was well-stocked with beer, but it was only for men, like repair men or Uncle Bud Bar, the fact that I’ve never quite forgiven her for not giving me a beer, and that’s silly, the fact that am I going to go to my dying day worrying about that, Grandma’s dark, windowless kitchen, the fact that she held me practically a prisoner in her condo for what felt like a whole week, waiting and waiting for her ninetieth birthday party to happen, red tide, the fact that I guess she felt responsible for me or something, the fact that she let me go swimming once a day but that was about it, except for the time she took me to see Howard Keel, bobbly glass of water on the side table by the couch, cinnamon roll dough, red kneading machine, the fact that she had Grandpa’s nice old glass-fronted bookshelves in her room, full of poetry and law books, the fact that nobody can tell whether Melania likes her husband or not, the fact that it’s hard to believe she does but if she doesn’t, what’s she hanging around for, the fact that Leo thinks Trump’s got her blackmailed somehow, the fact that sometimes it feels like this whole country’s got Stockholm Syndrome, like we’re all held prisoner, the fact that I wonder how many people dream about getting along with Trump, Democrats too, the fact that I’ve had dreams like that, handcuffs, strong-armed, the fact that the police use plastic handcuffs now, the fact that I think they look kind of funny, hanging off the officers’ sit-me-down-upons, the fact that they look like some kind of corsage or something, the fact that they’re white, the handcuffs, not necessarily the police, the fact that if the cuffs were black they wouldn’t look so silly, ivy patch, Ivy League, “Stay away from the Ivy League,” “Suck in your gut,” forward pass, the fact that our New Haven house had white walls and fireplaces, and big low windows, wide dark floorboards, the fact that it was really old, eighteenth century, built during the Revolutionary War, or right after anyway, revolution, #Resist, Jane Wyman’s Wedgwood fragment, the fact that it was U-shaped, our house, not Jane Wyman’s Wedgwood fragment, the fact that Mommy and Daddy’s room led on to a sleeping porch, open on three sides, the fact that it was dreamy to sleep out there in the summertime, catching the breezes, the fact that there were plenty of bathrooms, the fact that there were four on the second floor, like Myrna Loy wants in Mr. Blandings, the fact that the house had its original antique Chinese wallpaper in the dining room, and a pantry, and I’ll never live in such a nice house again, the fact that there were actually two pantries, one on the way into the kitchen from the dining room, full of plates and stuff, where Mommy fell when she first got sick, and one off the other side of the kitchen, for keeping things cool, scullery, scullery maid, milkmaid, goose girl, flower girl, flower basket, Longaberger Homestead, bathrooms, Blandings, the fact that Daddy asked if he could buy that house but Yale wouldn’t sell it, so we were just renting, and then after he died they made Mommy move out, and then they let the whole place fall to rack and ruin, that Revolutionary War house, the fact that I went to look at it once and the living room ceiling had caved in, “a gradual process, the consequence of neglect,” Benjamin Franklin, “Stay away from the Ivy League,” but that house was wasted on us anyway, the fact that we were so broken by Mommy’s illness it didn’t help to be living in a palace, well, maybe it helped a little, instead of sheep , the fact that I liked our Evanston house just as much, even though it was nothing special, staircase, banister, buttercups, diamond window-panes, the fact that Trump’s wall will impact on wildlife on both sides, but I don’t think he cares about things impacting on animals, the fact that there’s a “disconnect,” impactful, impacted wisdom tooth, a Victim Impact Statement, VIS, the wild turtles in our back yard in Rome, the fact that we used to lower a toy plastic turtle out of our third-floor window, well, I hope it was a fake turtle, UFOs, Rome, ambergris, Inuits, Zello walkie-talkie app, Walkie-Talkie Robot Man, gas up your car, let’s do lunch, the fact that last night I dreamt Stacy was about five, the fact that she’s always about five in my dreams, the fact that I was driving with her on my lap, and teaching her the alphabet at the same time, “S is for snow,” and I knew I should pull over and get her into her car-seat but it was snowing out and there was a lot of traffic and it was so hard to find anywhere to stop, the fact that then we were in some antique store and Stacy was interested in these little china mice and it was getting late and I didn’t like the mice much myself, but she did, the fact that then I dreamt I was on board a houseboat, and I was supposed to get some little kid home to his parents but I was delayed by buying an artisan sourdough, the fact that in another dream, one of Leo’s students was having canoe problems on the river and I had to go help him and, because of that, I missed out on a Buddhist wedding where five questions were going to be asked and now I’ll never know what the questions were, the fact that it’s time to get moving, where’s Jake gone, the fact that you can put certain herbs in when you’re making chicken stock but not parsley, never parsley, because parsley gets bitter if it cooks too long, the fact that something else gets bitter too, spinach, lettuce, cloves, too many cloves, our Christmas pomanders, pomade, pomegranates, the fact that nothing compares to the pain of losing Mommy when I was thirteen, nothing, though I didn’t exactly lose her, the fact that she lingered on for years, the fact that I watched my mom turn to mush in my arms, mush, the fact that the whole world’s based on mush, like that soggy old lemon drizzle cake, dust to dust, mush to mush, much of a mushness, charm school, and that is why I don’t like remembering things, the numbness of muted beings, Rare Tiger Captured On Film, edible bandages for bears with burnt paws, the fact that all life forms emerged from mush and will probably turn back into mush pretty soon, especially if everybody carries on voting Republican, Walmart, hurricanes, Abby’s tidy basement, but chaos rules the universe, supernova, suppertime, Happy Hour, the fact that sometimes Abby’s neighbor would come over, Marie, and we’d all play one Go-Go game after another, the fact that they were both totally addicted to Go-Go, the fact that it’s the easiest card game in the world but sort of fun, and you can talk while you play, the fact that it’s hard to be calm when ninety-three people get shot dead every day, and there are all these impatient coffee shop clients, and I have a daughter disgusted by my refusal to become vegan, and we got that guy in DC, the fact that I think he plans to just bluff his way through the whole presidency, the fact that he smells so good, Leo, not Trump, dear me, pollution, nuclear war, Nagasaki, sciatica, the fact that there was one poor man who witnessed both Hiroshima and Nagasaki, I mean both bombs, the fact that he was in Hiroshima when the first bomb hit, survived and stayed the night in a bomb shelter, then managed to get home to Nagasaki the next day just in time for the second bomb, and he survived that one too, the fact that, I mean, how awful, vow renewal ceremony, “You’d be sorry if I died,” the fact that there are all these clubs now for people to “prepare” for the end of the world, Doomsday preppers, the fact that I don’t know what they do there, just talk about how to light a fire with petroleum jelly or something, or make stone soup, the fact that they act like they’ll just have to live in the woods for like six months or so and then everything will be a-okay and they can come out in the open again and start repopulating the place or something, as if the world will still be habitable, the fact that if it’s the end of the world, bud, it’s the end of the world, well, that’s what I think anyway, the fact that I just don’t think there’ll be much point in surviving, the fact that these well-prepared types are just going to spend their remaining weeks or months or years shooting other people if they come anywhere near their survival gear, “You call this living?”, the fact that they all seem to think plants and animals will be safe to eat somehow, and all they’ll need to do is hunt and gather all day, and hide, and shoot marauders, and everything’ll be hunky-dory, as Daddy used to say, the fact that if you asked him how he was he’d say “Hunky-dory!” or “Tip top!”, until he got really sick, the fact that my only hope is that after the apocalypse people will still need pie, so I could still be of use, if I’m still alive, as long as the fruit’s not too contaminated, the fact that I might not make a living, since the money system will probably be over, but I don’t make a living now, land of the living, the fact that maybe I could swap my pies for other necessities like water and firewood, the fact that pie-making may truly be my only survival skill, self-defense book, the fact that that dog Pumpkin was starving and living with her puppy under a piece of corrugated iron somewhere until they rescued her, the fact that the puppy was too weak to be saved, the fact that Trump said Melania better lose all the baby weight within a week of giving birth, or else, Nixon, Haldeman, expletive deleted, All the President’s Men,