notkickass222urmom

wai-wai pt 2

May 11th, 2014
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  1. There are a lot of things I could do on a fine evening like this. I could go out, have a drink, or sit inside, playing games, watching movies or listening to music. Knowing my part of town, there's probably even a party nearby I could get into.
  2. However, none of those things are going to happen. Because instead, I'll be reading and riffing horrible fanfiction as long as I can without giving myself permanent braindamage. All I have to assist be is a bag of chips and the entire 1969-1974 discography of Yes and the Curse of Darkness OST.
  3. Let's do it.
  4.  
  5. A short summary:
  6. The author, Andre, is German.
  7. John Price, 18, our hero, is a microchip assistant (with a assistant) who seemingly without any education creates a revolutionary new microchip. The chip has "synthetic intelligence", and is in the span of 4 months and 8 days implanted into more or less everything electronic, even the control systems for nuclear missiles. "No one knows if it was an good idea to do that but no one thought about the risks.", to quote the fic.
  8. Then the ISS unleashes it's nuclear missiles on the US, killing 2/3 of the population.
  9. Surviving terrible the terrible complaining and gastric pain inflicted by the missiles, John is blown away by the nuclear blastwave.
  10. John is found by Rainbow Dash, and wakes up in the Ponyville hospital, where he is nursed back to health in a single day by a talking nursery.
  11. He befriends the mane 6, and stays with Twilight, who is even more socially inept than she was in S1.
  12.  
  13.  
  14.  
  15. She and John also shouts a lot.
  16. Apple Jack talks about apples, Fluttershy is barely there, Pinkie fills me with homicidal rage, Dash is the love interest and Rarity makes him clothes and a fucking dollar chain. John be hustlin'.
  17. Humans suck 'cause 9/11. They have a party and John dreams about a shitty red and black Dark Brotherhood OC. He then shares Twilight's bed.
  18. He uses Twilight's toothbrush, puts on his fucking dollar chain, and goes to see Pinkie. With some clever literary analysis, we discover that John has Barth syndrome.
  19.  
  20. Chapter 5: Lot to do (continuation)
  21.  
  22. >"Do you want some muffins or cakes I have already bake some." said Pinkie Pie and jumped up and down and break the law of physics.
  23. Pinkie is so one dimensional that parties, pastry and a blatant disregard for physics is everything there is to her character. Also, how the fuck is jumping breaking the law(s) of physics? Andre could at least try to show instead of tell.
  24.  
  25. >"Oh I already had breakfast sorry but thanks for that Pinkie Pie." said John nervously.
  26. >"Oh that's not a problem I understood..." yelled Pinkie Pie.
  27. Why is John nervous? Why is Pinkie retarded. She's not Twilight, but she's more intelligent than this.
  28.  
  29. >After eating the muffin and saying good bye to Pinkie Pie, John left Sugar Cube Corner and walked direction to Fluttershys House.
  30. So that entire scene served no purpose?
  31.  
  32.  
  33.  
  34. >John moved three steps back after seeing a bear. On his world were bears very aggressive.
  35. >"Oh ... H-h-hey John don't worry, he is fine ..." said Fluttershy and look to the bear.
  36. Now, I shouldn't say anything, as I've written my share of shy, stuttering bugpone, and am guilty of this error many times myself, but I dislike it when people think that you write dialogue for shy character by making them stutter a lot.
  37.  
  38. >"Hey Fluttershy I am here to visit you and maybe to find a new pet." explained John her.
  39. Please don't sing.
  40.  
  41. >"Yes on our kind a dog calls "Mans best friend" too." said John
  42. You've just got to stop once in a while and admire prose like this.
  43.  
  44. >"Here, his name is Zeus, he is maybe a half year old and very cute and fine." she explained.
  45. Zeus. Like the Greek god. She named a dog after a god that doesn't exist in this universe. And before any of you go "But there's Greek monsters and creatures in the show"; yes, that's true, but there's no reason to assume the ponies have ever worshipped Zeus.
  46.  
  47. >"Yea bye Fluttershy and thanks for that nice dog again." said John and left Fluttershys house.
  48. He doesn't bring the dog with him however, as he can't buy it right now.
  49.  
  50. >Ok next station Apple Jacks Apple Farm:
  51. I wonder what interesting apple-related activities Jack is currently doing.
  52.  
  53.  
  54.  
  55. >"Hey Sugar how are you? Oh I see you are watching my apple trees right?" she asked John and smiled.
  56. Is... is that innuendo? I hope it is.
  57.  
  58. >"Eeyyup." answered Big Mc.
  59. >"Nice to meet you John." said Bic Mc and shook Johns hand.
  60. I want to know who these OCs are. Big Mc, judging by his name is a DJ or MC of some sort. His line, however, is a blatant Big Mac ripoff.
  61. Bic Mc is probably Big Mc's brother or something. He talks a lot more though. I wonder what two MCs are doing at the farm. I might have to ask Andre.
  62.  
  63. >"Hey Apple Jack, hey Bic Mc and WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHT IS THAT THING?" shouted the yellow pony and hide behind Apple Jack.
  64. Are we back to shouting now? And yes, the yellow pony is Apple Bloom. I wonder where Big Mac is.
  65.  
  66. >"Don't worry Apple Bloom that's John Price. I told you about the human yesterday." explained Apple Jack Apple Bloom.
  67. "Ya know, the big, hairless, faintly green-glowing monkey that dropped out of the sky the other day". Also Andre makes no attempts at writing accents.
  68.  
  69. >"Your Cutie Mark that's something witch everypony gets when he finds out which personal qualify he have." explained Sweety Belle John.
  70. I think we all know by now that John's only talent is surviving nuclear explosions. Which, while cool, doesn't qualify him to do a whole fucking lot.
  71.  
  72.  
  73.  
  74. >"Ehm no humans haven't got a Cutie Mark sorry. Humans can have a lot of talents." explained John the three ponies.
  75. Mark is such a cutie. And yes, humans can have tons of talents. They actually get 1 extra feat at 1st level, and 4 extra skill points at 1st level and 1 extra skill point at each additional level.
  76.  
  77. >"WHAT MORE TALENTS? WOW." and the eyes of the three ponies wide out.
  78. They just became so shocked that their eyes actually widened out of their sockets. This is just in tune with the blood, gore, dismemberment and flesh-melting that took place in John's not at all fucked up dream.
  79.  
  80. >"Now we are still trying to find out which personally talent we have to get our Cutie Mark." explained Scootaloo John.
  81. We can only assume Scootaloo John is a relative of Apple Jack.
  82.  
  83. >"Yes because I got so many of you Apples, sweets, clothing, a place to sleep a pet...
  84. Might as well just add Andre to this fucking list:
  85. http://thisrecording.com/today/2009/8/3/in-which-these-are-the-100-greatest-writers-of-all-time.html
  86.  
  87. >"Come one you are new here you have no idea how you entered Equestria and you are a very good guy for a unknown race." said Apple Jack and put her hoof to Johns shoulder.
  88. "Ah would be all over your hot monkey dick if it wouldn't send mah soul to Tartarus. Granny says incest and bestiality is a sin."
  89.  
  90.  
  91.  
  92. >OK next station Raritys Boutique:
  93. So yet again, this entire scene didn't really give us a whole lot.
  94.  
  95. >But after hearing Johns voice Rarity entered the room immediately.
  96. You're not going to... not going to make John do anything to Rarity, are you Andre? Please don't. Take Dash instead.
  97.  
  98. >"Oh that's not a problem you pay me with your clothing because I can extended my collection with you. What should I do for you?" she asked.
  99. "As a female character, I'm only here to serve and quite possibly have sex with you. Besides, I needed human clothes for my collection of pony clothes. Because something called 'the plot' demands it".
  100.  
  101. >"I hope that's not to much ... ehm maybe another Jacket some T-Shirts, maybe 3 trousers, socks and so one." said John with an weird feeling and a red face.
  102. "And a sandwich while you're at it".
  103.  
  104. >Rarity eyes shined. "OW OF COURSE DARLING."
  105. Caps mean shouting, right? Why is Rarity shouting?
  106.  
  107. >On John world they would say "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?"
  108. If your tailor shouts that at you when you're ordering clothes, you have a shitty tailor. Taking the swearing into account, John must once have gotten a letter wrong and tried to order clothes from a sailor.
  109.  
  110. >"Take care of you." said Rarity and started with her work for John.
  111. That's Rarity's version of "Take care of yourself". God, Andre's English sucks.
  112.  
  113.  
  114.  
  115. >OK last station Rainbow Dash.
  116. Ah yes, the love interest. We're in chapter 5 now, and I've put all my imaginary riffing bux on John touching some rainbow tail before chapter 14 is over.
  117.  
  118. >She has a nice face and an amazing trained body for a 16 years old young pony girl.
  119. I... I don't like where you're taking this Andre. I really fucking don't. Andre, you're 19, assuming you aren't lying. Your Gary Stu, John, is 18. Please don't fuck a 16 year old girl. I live in Europe, I have a car. I can come fite u IRL. Making the mane 6 16 years old is pretty fucking retarded. They are pretty clearly portrayed as older than that. At age 16, you're still a child. Hell, tons of people aren't even proper adults at age 20. I'm not trying to say that 16 year olds having sex is bad, because it usually isn't (unless you're dumb and get yourself preggers), but making Dash clearly attracted to your shitty OC and the rest of the mane 6 generally all in favour of that "hot monkey dick", and then making them all 16 year old girls is sort of... creepy. I know it's escapism and self-insertion, but making a 18 year old Gary Stu who wears sneakers and a fucking dollar chain, and who also is all over that 16 year old horse ass, is kind of fucking bad.
  120.  
  121. I don't dislike clop, I don't dislike romance. But this is fucking pathetic.
  122.  
  123.  
  124.  
  125. >"Hey I saw your moves and I have to say there are really nice. They are all ... absolutely great full." explained John Rainbow Dash.
  126. Since I can't travel back in time and punch some sense into Andre, we're going to have to watch this trainwreck unfold. At least just stick your meat pole in that cyan horsepussy. Leave the rest of them alone.
  127.  
  128. >Why does her face every time blush when I commend her? Asked John himself.
  129. Because she has a bestiality fetish.
  130.  
  131. >"Wait a town in the clouds that's unpossible?" said John with an crazy countenance.
  132. Yup, it doesn't exist outside of fantasy, just like talking horses, magic and Andre's social skills.
  133.  
  134. >"WHAT NO ONE REALLY?" But that must be boring or isn´t it?" asked Dash.
  135. People do not talk like that Andre. Not even Germans. You should try to talk to more people than your Mom before you try to write dialogue.
  136.  
  137. >"Yes there are machines to promote things or humans to one station to another station around the world you know but these are not so fast as jets. Jets are very fast. My father flew on of them. He was on the Military and a pilot. A jet is a smaller version of a plane. They are very fast, faster then you and every Pegasus Pony in Equestria I think.
  138. I didn't know that jets were just smaller planes. Thanks for teaching me Andre. And I had no idea that the purpose of planes was to promote people. That's what bosses do.
  139.  
  140.  
  141.  
  142. >"Oh I think they are faster because they can break the sonic barrier and they can fly maybe 4.000 to 5.000 Kilometre per hour.
  143. >"WHAT THEY CAN BREAK THE SNOIC BARRIER AND FLY OVER 5.000 KILOMETRE PER HOUR??" said Rainbow Dash shocked and said every single world clear.
  144. I hope that's a typo, and that they can in fact break the stoic barrier. I also love how Dash's job is to repeat what he said to make it seem more important/effectual, but also said it wrong. Just fucking great. At least he's using a sensible standard for measuring distance.
  145.  
  146. >"Sometimes humans use wing suits maybe I can ask Rarity to make some if she can do something like that, there are very fast and quick too but of course not so fast like you Dash." said John to Rainbow Dash and she got red again.
  147. Yes. This is a great idea. Have a horse make a wingsuit, something she doesn't know what is, and is usually made of materials that don't exist in Equestria, for a creature she has barely even seen. Then throw yourself off a cliff. To be honest, you can probably even skip the wingsuit. Do it faggot.
  148.  
  149. >John explain Dash a modern Wing suit:
  150. pic related
  151. What is this? CoD?
  152.  
  153. >"But now I have to got goodbye Dash." said John.
  154. I've said it before, and I've said it again, but I'm convinced that when they make a movie out of this, Tommy Wiseau is going to play John.
  155.  
  156.  
  157.  
  158. >"John?" said Dash.
  159. >"Yes?" answered John.
  160. >"Do you like me too?" ask Dash John.
  161. Normally, I'd say that Dash John was probably a relative of Apple Jack and Twilight John, but let's not. Let us all take it in over ourself that Andre thought this was a good idea. That he things "Rainbow Dash falls in love with a human in the course of like 2 hours of knowing each other" was a great idea. If nothing else, she's a bit like 16 year old girl.
  162.  
  163. >"Yea of course I think you are my best friend of all cause you are very cool Dash." winked John and left.
  164. This prose if an assault on my mind. And this fic has a sex tag. We're going deeper than just friendshipping. John is going to plunder at least one Treasure Island with his Long Dong Silver before long. I can't wait for the sex scenes.
  165.  
  166. >Dash got red again and said to herself: "HE LIKES ME, HE LIKES ME."
  167. This is going to be romance so shallow it might even rival LtD. Though I doubt it will become as atrocious as that fic.
  168.  
  169.  
  170.  
  171. >"Hey I am Spike and you must be John right? Didn't see you all the time but come in Twilight wait." said the Dragon
  172. Just try to say this line.
  173.  
  174. >"Wait you can use magic?" John watch shocked.
  175. John has been here for two days, yet haven't seen a single unicorn use magic yet.
  176.  
  177. >"MOOOOOAP." Spike got a letter out of his mouth.
  178. It's exactly like the sound he makes in the show!
  179.  
  180. >"How do you get your message?" asked Spike.
  181. "Straight from the horse's mouth, rather than the dragon."
  182.  
  183. >"Now we get them per Computer or mobile phone like via Facebook, WhatsApp, Line, ICQ, Twitter, SMS, MMS, E-Mail Bluetooth and so one. We can phone to each other with smartphones like this." John watched Spike his smartphone. "And we can send message with pictures or videos in only less one second worldwide or we can watch the news on TVs big flat screens." explained John.
  184. Sure John, explain it to them by throwing out tons of words they don't understand. How did John's smartphone survive? I don't even know what WhatsApp, Lina and ICQ are.
  185.  
  186. >"Aha sounds like a very modern high-tech kind?" asked Twilight.
  187. "Based of this cascade of words I have never heard before, and that shiny thing in your hand, I'm going to make a assumption about the tech level of your world."
  188.  
  189.  
  190.  
  191. >"We can build machines and computers which can thing itself." explained John Spike.
  192. And that worked out so well, didn't it John? With your microchip? I mean, your K/D rating is at least 250 000 000/0, right?
  193.  
  194. >"Hey John I told you about Princess Cilestia and Princess Luna right? Today we want to visit her in Canterlot." she smiled.
  195. But the last chapter ended with it being evening. And this chapter started as a direct continuation of that. It should be night soon.
  196.  
  197. >"WHAT?" asked John. He knows if the princess find out who he is and how brutal they human kind is she will ban him out of Equestria.
  198. Then don't tell them about the violent nature of humans you dimwit.
  199.  
  200. >"But we have to hurry because it´s late our friends must coming soon." she said and run to the bathroom to get some nice clothes.
  201. Twilight is a princess. She doesn't need to dress up for Celestia.
  202.  
  203. >It bells on the door.
  204. No comment.
  205.  
  206. >"Everypony come inside." said Twilight.
  207. I suspect coming inside everypony was John's plan all along.
  208.  
  209. >"Hey everypony and hi John look I made some clothes for the visit a exquisite expensive suit with a nice tie and black shoes.
  210. It's not stated who's actually talking, but I think we can assume that it's Rarity, who hasn't done a single thing this entire fic except for making clothes for John. And how does she even know what a human suit looks like? I hope he at least removes the dollar chain.
  211.  
  212.  
  213.  
  214. >"Yes of course Darling here come on I want to see you there inside!" John went to the bath.
  215. "There inside your clothes I mean. That was all I meant darling. Nothing else. At all." Rarity started sweating.
  216.  
  217. >It looked great he wear his titan clock and put a picture of his old friend in his torso.
  218. I don't understand this sentence. I get the thing about the clock (which Rarity must have made, being the expert clockmaker that she is), but the picture? He puts a picture, that we don't know where comes from, that is of a friend we don't know who is... IN HIS TORSO. Does John embed it into his fucking ribcage? Does he rip it up and inhale it, letting it coat the inside of his lungs? What is going on?
  219.  
  220. >"John you look so ... AWESOME ON THIS SUIT." said Rarity.
  221. That's well and all Rarity, but I think it's a bit more important how he looks IN the suit.
  222.  
  223. >"Yea nice sugar." said Apple Jack.
  224. Jack is one smooth dude.
  225.  
  226. >"Oh ehm yea John you look ... very cu... nice and ... heheh yea." splutter Rainbow Dash.
  227. Splutter, verb:
  228. 1. make a series of short explosive spitting or choking sounds.
  229.  
  230. >"Look there there is Cloud stale." said Dash to John.
  231. Pic related, it's taken straight from the fic.
  232. Man, Cloud Stale has to be a shitty town to live in. The embarrassing town song and the town emblem being a piece of stale bread make life pretty shitty.
  233.  
  234.  
  235.  
  236. >After landing there was on both side 10 soldiers on the left side Pegasus ponies on the right side earth ponies and on the middle three big ponies one white with a colourful mane and a sun as a cutie mark the second one was dark blue with a shining blue mane and a moon on her flank and the third one was a pink pony maybe a princess too.
  237. Sure, that's one way to describe The Royal Sisters and Candyass.
  238.  
  239. >"Ow and this is the human boy John Price I see. Hello my friend I am Princess Cilestia this is my sister Luna and this is Princess Cadence. Twilight and their friends told me a lot about you and your kind." said Cilestia.
  240. "I am especially curious about this '/mlp/' that Twilight wrote to me about."
  241.  
  242. >"Oh really ... ehm hello Princess I am John Price I am 18 years old and I come from New York City the Unite States USA.
  243. The Unite States United States of America. That's twice the states, and twice the unification, all in the size of one America!
  244.  
  245. >"Unite States!?" said Princess Luna loud.
  246. >"Yes why?" asked John a bit confused.
  247. Because even for them, "Unite States" sound retarded.
  248.  
  249. >"The guard will show you your room for sleeping good night every pony, good night John." said Princess Cilestia.
  250. Princess Selenium, who was also giggling for no reason earlier, is at least being a good host.
  251.  
  252.  
  253.  
  254. >"Did you here where he comes from? He could be dangerous. Sister you we know his kind and we know what happened to them for so a long time ago." whispered Luna to Cilestia.
  255. Please don't make Equestria post-apocalypse Earth. That's retarded. Please don't.
  256.  
  257. >"Luna is right he could destroy us think about what Twilight wrote, humans are dangerous and evil they don't show any mercy in their heart are only evil." said Cadenca.
  258. "This one hairless monkey who has befriended the Elements of Harmony, is a serious risk for the Equestrian state, and our lives. Discord, however, is surely to be trusted and best left in the care of Fluttershy."
  259.  
  260. >"Sister are you sure think about what the humans did with this world." tired to explain Luna Cilestia.
  261. Equestria is post-apocalypse Earth.
  262.  
  263. >The room looked amazing. And he had a great watch to outside. Wonderful that mountains.
  264. >John put off his clothes and went to bed.
  265. May he never wake up.
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