Eng Crash Pad (2017)

1
00:00:34,667 --> 00:00:36,201
Bullshit!

2
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:37,603
No.

3
00:00:37,605 --> 00:00:39,371
Since when?

4
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:42,741
Since 15 years ago.

5
00:00:43,643 --> 00:00:45,077
Bullshit.

6
00:00:45,079 --> 00:00:46,111
No, it's not.

7
00:00:46,113 --> 00:00:48,147
Where's your ring?

8
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,118
Ha! I know a cracker Jack prize

9
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,087
when I see one.
Where is he, then?

10
00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:56,522
He is in la
with a client right now.

11
00:00:56,524 --> 00:01:00,626
Okay, well, where's your
wedding-type snapshots

12
00:01:00,628 --> 00:01:04,563
and, you know, pretty photos
of you and this husband?

13
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:06,098
We host a lot of parties here,

14
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:09,568
and Grady thinks that personal
artifacts are tacky, so that's why...

15
00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:10,636
G... Grady? Yes.

16
00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:12,104
His name is Grady? Come on.

17
00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:14,740
Yes... yes, Stensland,
his name is Grady.

18
00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:19,411
Bullshit! Ha! Nice try.

19
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:22,181
Jesus, I can't
believe you, Morgan.

20
00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:23,482
Where... where are you going?

21
00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:26,185
To expose the lack of man
clothing in your closet

22
00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:28,654
and prove that
you're bullshitting.

23
00:01:29,622 --> 00:01:31,690
What the fuck!

24
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:34,226
I'm married!

25
00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:37,229
Tell me you don't have kids.
Were they watching us?

26
00:01:37,231 --> 00:01:40,265
No. I don't... Why would I
have my kids watching...

27
00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:41,333
I don't have any kids.

28
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:43,202
You don't have kids
because he's a violent drunk.

29
00:01:43,204 --> 00:01:44,470
No, we just... He'd beat them.

30
00:01:44,472 --> 00:01:46,705
Each other is all we've ever
really wanted or needed,

31
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,507
so we don't have kids.

32
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:53,712
"Was." so, you'll be
separated soon, right?

33
00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:55,547
No.

34
00:01:56,249 --> 00:01:58,750
Then what the fuck is this?

35
00:01:58,752 --> 00:02:01,720
You held my hand
in the cab yesterday!

36
00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:04,323
That isn't the action of a woman
just looking for great sex

37
00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:10,229
behind her hubby's back, that's a
woman looking for doctor Zhivago!

38
00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:12,197
This...

39
00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:16,602
He cheated on me, okay?

40
00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:17,769
He cheated on you?

41
00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:21,807
And I held your hand yesterday
because I like you, Stensland.

42
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:27,412
Aw. You know, I'm still...
I'm still crushable.

43
00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:29,548
"Crushable"?

44
00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:33,418
You can't even say
the word "love," can you?

45
00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:36,188
You know, you can...
You can free the penis now.

46
00:02:36,190 --> 00:02:37,856
I mean, I've seen you naked
for the past two days.

47
00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:41,894
You've been seeing me naked under
sheets and in limited light.

48
00:02:41,896 --> 00:02:44,363
I've got very wide hips
that make my unit

49
00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:46,298
look a lot smaller
than it actually is.

50
00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:47,900
So it's like
an optical illusion?

51
00:02:47,902 --> 00:02:50,669
Yes! I've got bitch hips.
Leave it be.

52
00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:54,206
Okay, listen.
This was so much fun.

53
00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:54,940
And so, thank you.

54
00:02:54,942 --> 00:03:02,281
But this is the last time that we
will be seeing each other, okay?

55
00:03:02,815 --> 00:03:06,585
Good. I was testing you.

56
00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:08,487
Oh, phew!

57
00:03:08,489 --> 00:03:10,255
What a load off my mind.

58
00:03:10,257 --> 00:03:12,858
Oh, you know, my biggest fear,

59
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,693
since we started
hookin' up, baby,

60
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:18,564
was that you would think this was
something more than fucking,

61
00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:20,532
like, god forbid, love.

62
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,201
Love, love, love. Listen, I...

63
00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:26,205
I didn't want to hurt you.
I'm really sorry.

64
00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:28,340
You're sorry?

65
00:03:30,276 --> 00:03:31,410
As for these...

66
00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:35,814
Something tells me they're
due for a dry cleaning.

67
00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:37,482
Oh... what are you doing?

68
00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:39,418
What is wrong with you?

69
00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:40,452
Good day, madam.

70
00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:43,956
Oh. Oh, that was real mature.

71
00:04:10,283 --> 00:04:11,817
What?

72
00:04:14,487 --> 00:04:16,455
"Crushable"?

73
00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:19,258
How dare she?

74
00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:20,692
All right, the usual.

75
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,695
One pink scone,
one strawberry milk.

76
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:24,963
So $4.53.

77
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:28,734
You, uh... you doing
all right, Stensland?

78
00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:34,406
Could someone let me
borrow 53 cents?

79
00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:55,994
Sweet Christ, not now.

80
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:58,664
Woman, I don't know
what you're saying!

81
00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:00,432
No, not a single
decipherable word!

82
00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:04,303
It's the same
puzzling dance every day!

83
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:06,705
Shut up!

84
00:05:12,712 --> 00:05:16,415
You're not the smartest,
you're not the coolest,

85
00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:17,582
you're not the best-looking,

86
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:20,352
but god damn it,
you are something.

87
00:05:20,354 --> 00:05:22,921
You've got something
that attracts people.

88
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:26,425
You've got something
that attracts the ladies.

89
00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,994
They don't know what it is,
you don't know what it is,

90
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:34,599
but it's there, cocooned,
growing and learning.

91
00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:38,704
And one day, you'll bloom
into a big, beautiful condor

92
00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:41,840
that people
will respect and fear.

93
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:46,812
"I can't believe that used to
be Stensland," they'll say.

94
00:05:46,814 --> 00:05:51,516
"I can't believe
that used to be Stensland."

95
00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:16,441
Hello, old friend.

96
00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:24,716
Go ahead.

97
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,118
Oh, great episode.

98
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:29,955
Stensland? Oh, you are here.

99
00:06:30,957 --> 00:06:32,157
Hey.

100
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:33,024
Hey.

101
00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:34,092
Nah, I'm... I'm good.

102
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:36,828
I thought you said you were going
to stop smoking during the day?

103
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:39,030
Oh, look, my dead mom's back.
Great.

104
00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:41,733
My god,
what's the matter with you?

105
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:44,703
Morgan dumped me, okay?

106
00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:46,104
She's married.

107
00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:48,140
Is that the older lady you
met at the furniture store?

108
00:06:48,142 --> 00:06:51,143
Don't make her sound like Jessica Tandy.
She's in her July.

109
00:06:51,145 --> 00:06:55,113
Whatever, man. At least you
got sex without strings.

110
00:06:55,115 --> 00:06:56,548
I want strings.

111
00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:59,451
I want commitment
and mutual adoration.

112
00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:01,920
I want to pass the bong
to someone with boobs.

113
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:04,856
I want the danger
of forgetting anniversaries

114
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:06,425
and the pain of holding in farts

115
00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:07,692
because someone
is sharing my bed.

116
00:07:07,694 --> 00:07:11,062
I want a girlfriend, Lyle.
I know, I know.

117
00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:12,631
I'm sorry to change the subject,

118
00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:15,734
but you noticed
the cardboard boxes, right?

119
00:07:15,736 --> 00:07:16,768
Did you drink and eBay?

120
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:20,038
No, I started
moving over to Linda's.

121
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:21,173
Already?

122
00:07:21,175 --> 00:07:23,708
You need to find
another roommate, man.

123
00:07:23,710 --> 00:07:25,110
Is this mine?

124
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,011
I like you.

125
00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:30,549
I like you, too, buddy, just not
as much as Linda. I love her.

126
00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:31,917
All right, well, I'm out of here

127
00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:33,952
a week from tomorrow,
next Monday.

128
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:37,756
So find another roommate, Stens.

129
00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:39,791
God damn it.

130
00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:45,630
...life imitating
art imitating life?

131
00:07:45,865 --> 00:07:50,535
...and maybe, you know,
it's not part of the plan.

132
00:07:50,537 --> 00:07:52,037
Then again, I never thought that

133
00:07:52,039 --> 00:07:55,674
losing you was part
of the plan, either.

134
00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:56,475
Oh...

135
00:07:56,477 --> 00:07:59,978
I think sometimes you have
to lose somebody completely

136
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:03,849
before you can figure out
what they really mean to you.

137
00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:08,220
Oh, d-dog,
laying down the truth.

138
00:08:08,222 --> 00:08:10,522
Hi, it's me...

139
00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:11,756
Oh, Jesus!

140
00:08:11,758 --> 00:08:13,091
Morgan, would you please
call me back?

141
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:15,894
I worry I'm beginning
to look desperate.

142
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:18,597
Phew! It smells bad in here.

143
00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:19,998
What are you doing?

144
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,166
Oh...

145
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,702
I'm, uh, relaxing.

146
00:08:23,836 --> 00:08:25,203
What about work?

147
00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:27,072
Oh, I'm on leave.

148
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:28,540
You're not in the Navy.

149
00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:30,108
You work six-hour shifts
at an antique shop.

150
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:32,043
Why do you need a leave?
My breakup!

151
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:34,613
For Christ's sake, man.
Was the sex that good?

152
00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:36,982
Good? It was transcendent, Lyle.

153
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:40,519
My spiritual self
is still making an o-face.

154
00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:41,920
But I'm not mourning the sex.

155
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:43,588
I'm mourning what
we might have been.

156
00:08:43,590 --> 00:08:47,025
That tiny taste of affection
has made it very evident to me

157
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,727
that something's
missing from my life.

158
00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:53,198
Okay. I'm just surprised the store
gave you this much time off.

159
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,032
Well...

160
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:59,004
This is more like one of those
self-allotted time-out leaves, you know?

161
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:00,005
What? Go to work!

162
00:09:00,007 --> 00:09:02,674
Stensland! I'm going to be
totally moved out tomorrow.

163
00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:04,042
You said I had till Monday.

164
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,277
Tomorrow is Monday, man.

165
00:09:05,279 --> 00:09:09,214
Tomorrow's Monday? Tomorrow's Monday.
Come on.

166
00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:13,852
Shit. This Chiba is unforgiving.

167
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:53,692
Ah, Mr. Laframboise.

168
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:57,796
I was just mulling a froyo break.
You want one?

169
00:09:58,064 --> 00:09:59,164
This is the last check.

170
00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:02,334
You don't showing up one week,
no call, no nothing!

171
00:10:02,336 --> 00:10:05,904
Wait a minute, are we doing a
scene from the pawnbroker?

172
00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:09,874
Mr. Laframboise, are you back
in acting class? That's great.

173
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:11,843
Get out! Oh, okay, all right.

174
00:10:11,845 --> 00:10:14,079
You're a passionate bear,
you're upset, I get it.

175
00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:17,082
I need to work on my communication
skills, that's clear.

176
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:19,951
But I'm pretty sure I was
already due a vacation week,

177
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:22,120
so can we just sit back, relax,

178
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,089
I'll put on some
Jasmine tea, chill out...

179
00:10:24,091 --> 00:10:25,256
Sir? What?

180
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:26,891
I think this varnish
may have turned,

181
00:10:26,893 --> 00:10:31,696
and I would hate to compromise the
honesty of that Victorian end table.

182
00:10:31,698 --> 00:10:34,099
Sorry, am I interrupting?

183
00:10:35,034 --> 00:10:36,635
Who the fuck is this?

184
00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:37,402
New stensland.

185
00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:41,106
There's no other stensland.
How could you say that?

186
00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:42,273
Um, my name is Pierce.

187
00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:45,744
Mr. Laframboise, your
assumption that my absence

188
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:48,179
is barren of a logical
explanation offends me.

189
00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:50,749
We're closer than this.
No, we're not.

190
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:52,350
Okay, look,
here's what happened.

191
00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:55,720
I was sideswiped by a nasty
cyclone known as "woman."

192
00:10:55,722 --> 00:10:59,924
Lost aimlessly in her deceit,
and it stung like a biatch.

193
00:10:59,926 --> 00:11:04,963
So, please, just give me
another chance.

194
00:11:05,297 --> 00:11:07,332
Fuck you!

195
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:20,979
Morgan!

196
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:27,085
Morgan!

197
00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:28,820
Hey! Hey, asshole!
Come back here!

198
00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:31,456
- Morgan!
- You can't go in there.

199
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,391
Morgan!

200
00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:35,326
Stensland.

201
00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:38,196
She remembers my name. Shocker.

202
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,197
I'm calling security.

203
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,433
No, no. No, it's okay.
No, it's okay. We're okay.

204
00:11:41,435 --> 00:11:42,434
You know this guy?

205
00:11:42,436 --> 00:11:44,069
Yeah, no, no. I'll handle it.
It's okay.

206
00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:47,072
Moneypenny, could you order us
up some sandwiches and lemonade?

207
00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:48,139
This'll take a while.

208
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:49,741
- No, it won't.
- Yes, it will.

209
00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:51,443
Thank you, Hannah. Thanks, honey.
I got this.

210
00:11:51,445 --> 00:11:54,012
Yeah, no, no, this is,
um... stensland.

211
00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:57,949
It's not a thing at all.
It's just a, um...

212
00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:00,919
Okay. Thanks, honey.

213
00:12:02,188 --> 00:12:04,255
What do you want?
"What do you want?"

214
00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:05,356
We made love a week ago.

215
00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:08,359
I'm no dildo you wipe off
and put back in the drawer.

216
00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:10,395
Why haven't you called me back?

217
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,731
Because that was it.

218
00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:14,165
It was a one-time thing.

219
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:15,834
I don't care
if you're married, Morgan.

220
00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:18,837
I still love you. You love
me, it's just... What?

221
00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:20,405
What does that even mean?

222
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:23,208
It means let's keep on
keepin' on.

223
00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:26,377
Let's ride this
naughty little secret.

224
00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:27,178
No.

225
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:30,782
Why? Isn't he cheating
on you, too?

226
00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:32,417
I don't know.

227
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:33,251
Oh...

228
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,754
Now you don't know!

229
00:12:42,061 --> 00:12:43,995
Is that him?

230
00:12:44,063 --> 00:12:45,764
Yes.

231
00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:47,932
He has a moustache?

232
00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:49,534
Yes.

233
00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:55,940
I want $15,000,
or I'm gonna tell him.

234
00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:57,342
Mmm?

235
00:12:59,311 --> 00:13:00,345
I'm sorry.

236
00:13:00,347 --> 00:13:03,882
I'm sorry, you're... You're
gonna have to repeat that.

237
00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:05,450
What?

238
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:08,353
I demand you pay me $15,000,

239
00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:13,224
or I'm gonna find Grady
and tell him everything.

240
00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:17,896
What the hell
are you doing, Stens?

241
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:21,800
"Stens," she says! Using the
abridged pet name to disarm me.

242
00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:23,434
You're scared. Really?

243
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,370
Grady's a criminal
defense lawyer.

244
00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:28,406
I doubt he will believe
that I slept with you.

245
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:29,207
Okay?

246
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:30,875
Oh, he'll believe me, all right.

247
00:13:30,877 --> 00:13:34,045
Why? Did you
record us or something?

248
00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:37,348
No, but I have
evidence of passion.

249
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:38,283
Remember this?

250
00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:42,453
"Kiss me between my shoulder
blades, stensland."

251
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:43,454
And remember this?

252
00:13:43,456 --> 00:13:47,859
"Rub my ass like this when you're
going down on me, stensland."

253
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,060
And what about this?

254
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:50,361
Will this be evidence enough

255
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,997
when I explain to Grady
in graphic, carnal detail

256
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:57,435
that shaky little twitch
dance you do when you come?

257
00:13:57,437 --> 00:13:59,437
How does the chirp go?

258
00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:09,848
You don't get it, do you?

259
00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:10,615
What?

260
00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:13,084
I already told him.

261
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:14,586
Bullshit.

262
00:14:14,588 --> 00:14:16,354
No, I did.

263
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,623
You see, I was...

264
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:21,426
I was looking for someone
to have an affair with,

265
00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:23,127
so I could throw it in his face

266
00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:27,265
to show him that I'm not just
gonna sit here and smile

267
00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:28,600
while he tunes out our marriage

268
00:14:28,602 --> 00:14:31,236
and does god knows
what he's doing out there.

269
00:14:31,238 --> 00:14:33,238
Mm-hmm, and, uh,
what did he say?

270
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:36,875
He said a lot of stuff
that's none of your business.

271
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:38,543
But we're gonna work it out.

272
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:42,180
You're going to work it out?
Yeah.

273
00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:45,950
Kid, I hate to crush
your spirit here,

274
00:14:45,952 --> 00:14:49,087
but you're forcing me to.

275
00:14:49,922 --> 00:14:51,155
You're my pawn.

276
00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:56,127
You're like my
little revenge marionette.

277
00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:03,101
You haven't told him
diddly squat, have you?

278
00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:06,337
Stensland holds all the cards.

279
00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:07,405
15 grand, sweetheart,

280
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:11,242
or me and Grady are going to
sit down and talk Turkey.

281
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:13,311
Good day, madam.

282
00:15:13,679 --> 00:15:15,346
Oh, look!

283
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:21,286
Uh-oh. The little pitcher has big ears.
Yenta, yenta.

284
00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:24,255
Who the fuck is that?

285
00:15:28,460 --> 00:15:31,095
Hey. Are you all right?

286
00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:32,563
Yeah, no, I'm good. Um...

287
00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:36,301
How much of that did you hear?

288
00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:37,535
None of it.

289
00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:39,370
Oh, okay.

290
00:15:39,471 --> 00:15:40,638
A little.

291
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:44,042
Okay, I heard everything.

292
00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:45,243
You slept with that guy?

293
00:15:45,245 --> 00:15:47,278
Oh, Hannah, I was in the
store, and I was depressed,

294
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:51,349
and I was thinking about, like,
"who the hell is Grady?"

295
00:15:51,351 --> 00:15:54,018
And, "why the hell
am I in the store?"

296
00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:55,153
And then this kid comes up

297
00:15:55,155 --> 00:16:00,058
and starts flirting with me like
I'm Princess grace or something.

298
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:01,392
Now I have a stalker.

299
00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:04,362
It's like, of course I sleep
with the one guy on the planet

300
00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:09,701
who's pissed off that his one-night
stand isn't just a one-night stand.

301
00:16:09,703 --> 00:16:12,103
Don't sweat it, okay?

302
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:15,206
You already told Grady, so...

303
00:16:15,274 --> 00:16:18,543
No. You haven't told Grady?

304
00:16:19,545 --> 00:16:22,013
Yeah, you're screwed.

305
00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:31,689
Balls of wonder,
balls of might...

306
00:16:35,027 --> 00:16:37,528
Law offices of Dott and Rosen.

307
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:38,563
Grady Dott, please.

308
00:16:38,565 --> 00:16:41,199
I'm sorry, he's out of the office.
Would you like his voicemail?

309
00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:43,668
No, no, no, patch me through
to his personal cell.

310
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,036
This is an emergency.

311
00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:46,671
Your name? Stensland.

312
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,740
Please hold. Mmm-hmm.

313
00:16:48,742 --> 00:16:51,642
Mr. stensland,
what's this concerning?

314
00:16:51,644 --> 00:16:55,279
Uh, I fucked his wife
many times?

315
00:16:55,281 --> 00:16:58,182
Please hold. Uh-huh.

316
00:16:58,550 --> 00:17:01,119
Yeah, no baloney. Come on.

317
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:02,754
This is Grady Dott.

318
00:17:02,756 --> 00:17:05,156
Mr. Dott, my name is stensland.

319
00:17:05,158 --> 00:17:08,059
I'm a 29-year-old, unemployed
diamond in the rough

320
00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:10,261
with no foreseeable
opportunities for financial

321
00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:11,696
or personal success
until my death.

322
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:16,100
It's my sad duty to inform you that
I met your wife, Morgan, last week

323
00:17:16,102 --> 00:17:17,535
in soft solutions
fine furnishings,

324
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:20,571
whereupon she took me back to
your home and made love to me.

325
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,640
At no point over the weekend
did she inform me

326
00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:24,809
that she was maritally
or otherwise spoken for...

327
00:17:24,811 --> 00:17:27,278
Stensland? Yeah?

328
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,380
She told me.

329
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:30,148
Oh.

330
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:34,519
Now I'm going to find you,
and I'm going to kill you.

331
00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:55,540
You need to find yourself
a girl your own age.

332
00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:58,576
One who hasn't already been
fucked up by some other asshole,

333
00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:03,214
so you can fuck her up your own
damn self, your own damn way.

334
00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:06,284
Ella, Internet dating
has turned you cold.

335
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:09,353
She's right.
This Morgan's a mess.

336
00:18:09,355 --> 00:18:10,421
Stay sane, stay away.

337
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:13,491
Spend that love on a woman
who wants it. Amen.

338
00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:15,493
That's right.

339
00:18:16,128 --> 00:18:17,495
Hit me with it straight, Denise.

340
00:18:17,497 --> 00:18:20,631
Coast is clear. No one's
outside your apartment, doll.

341
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:23,634
Typical. That chump
ain't gonna fight for her.

342
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:26,504
Ladies, let's get shit-faced.

343
00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:55,266
You've fucked
your last wife, stensland.

344
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:56,134
Stensland?

345
00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:58,136
No, no, no. Sir, my
name isn't stensland.

346
00:18:58,138 --> 00:19:00,805
My name is Grady.

347
00:19:01,406 --> 00:19:02,507
Wrong.

348
00:19:02,509 --> 00:19:03,508
Oh, god!

349
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:06,410
Don't! God...

350
00:19:12,618 --> 00:19:13,918
Oh, god...

351
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,787
Hey, guy, the gun was
just to fuck with you.

352
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,289
So you're not gonna kill me?

353
00:19:18,291 --> 00:19:21,225
No. My receptionist was listening
in when I threatened you,

354
00:19:21,227 --> 00:19:22,727
which means I'd have
to kill her as well.

355
00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:26,564
And there's no way I'm breaking
in a new receptionist.

356
00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:27,331
No, sir.

357
00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:31,836
I am, however, going to kick the
ever-loving shit out of you.

358
00:19:32,638 --> 00:19:33,671
No, please...

359
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:38,342
Please don't kick the
ever-loving shit out of me.

360
00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:39,477
What are you doing?

361
00:19:39,479 --> 00:19:41,646
I just... I bruise so easily.

362
00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:43,681
Come on.

363
00:19:45,384 --> 00:19:46,184
Huh...

364
00:19:46,186 --> 00:19:47,919
Just don't... You've
urinated in your shorts.

365
00:19:47,921 --> 00:19:52,190
Yes! You pointed a gun at my
face, and I already had to go.

366
00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:54,192
Jesus, Morgan!

367
00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:56,227
This is bullshit.

368
00:19:56,229 --> 00:19:57,595
She really knows
how to pick 'em.

369
00:19:57,597 --> 00:19:58,896
She picked you to cheat with?

370
00:19:58,898 --> 00:20:01,566
Yes. Are you still
kicking the shit out of me?

371
00:20:01,568 --> 00:20:05,503
Yes, so just sit there
and shut up.

372
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,575
Jesus Christ,
your apartment looks like

373
00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:13,311
the cargo hold of a pirate ship.

374
00:20:13,313 --> 00:20:13,978
Thank you.

375
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:15,613
It's not a compliment, dumb-ass.

376
00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:17,982
This is literally a shit hole.

377
00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:18,849
It stinks.

378
00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:20,818
What is that, beef
chow mein from last week?

379
00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:23,254
And your bong water
spilled everywhere?

380
00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:26,257
And now it smells
like your cowardly urine.

381
00:20:26,259 --> 00:20:27,291
It smells like man.

382
00:20:27,293 --> 00:20:31,295
Don't call yourself that
in front of me.

383
00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:35,733
Huh.

384
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:37,501
I'll be damned.

385
00:20:37,503 --> 00:20:39,770
I didn't realize
they still made those.

386
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:42,840
"Shanty. Irish mulligan stew."

387
00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:43,841
Hey, don't rag it.

388
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:47,245
That is a hearty bouillon
at an affordable price.

389
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:48,246
I know what it is.

390
00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:51,382
It's all I ate when I was
poor and pathetic like you.

391
00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:54,919
Well, the tradition continues.

392
00:20:58,690 --> 00:21:00,958
What happened in your shorts?

393
00:21:01,026 --> 00:21:03,327
It's a twosie.

394
00:21:05,464 --> 00:21:07,698
Mmm, mmm.

395
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:10,601
Mmm, that was good.

396
00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:12,303
Okay, so level with me.

397
00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:14,972
Did Morgan pay you
to tell me you had sex?

398
00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:19,844
No. And I didn't know
she was married either.

399
00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:20,578
Yeah.

400
00:21:20,580 --> 00:21:24,282
Hey, why did you cheat on her?

401
00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:27,952
I didn't cheat on her. God...

402
00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:31,455
She picked up a scent of
perfume on one of my shirts,

403
00:21:31,457 --> 00:21:32,757
so that got her to thinking,

404
00:21:32,759 --> 00:21:35,860
and you know what happens when
vexed women start thinking.

405
00:21:35,862 --> 00:21:38,663
Civilizations fall, son.

406
00:21:38,665 --> 00:21:39,764
You can bank on that.

407
00:21:39,766 --> 00:21:41,732
So after a couple
of business trips ran long,

408
00:21:41,734 --> 00:21:46,404
the logical conclusion to her
irrational female intellect

409
00:21:46,406 --> 00:21:49,707
was that I was in fact cheating.

410
00:21:49,709 --> 00:21:50,641
Typical women.

411
00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:54,312
A brother can't even
be late and tired.

412
00:21:55,915 --> 00:21:56,914
That's for sure.

413
00:21:56,916 --> 00:21:58,416
Oh, we give them our hearts,

414
00:21:58,418 --> 00:22:01,986
our penises, and still
they do not trust us.

415
00:22:05,424 --> 00:22:06,991
That was a good one.

416
00:22:06,993 --> 00:22:08,993
The old shower vomit.

417
00:22:08,995 --> 00:22:11,095
Yeah, I miss those days.

418
00:22:12,332 --> 00:22:14,899
Yeah, I mean, after
15 years of marriage,

419
00:22:14,901 --> 00:22:15,933
it's not so hot anymore.

420
00:22:15,935 --> 00:22:18,969
Do I get the urge to mess
around with other women?

421
00:22:18,971 --> 00:22:19,937
Of course I do.

422
00:22:19,939 --> 00:22:22,940
You can't control what goes
through this mastermind.

423
00:22:22,942 --> 00:22:23,641
No.

424
00:22:23,643 --> 00:22:27,078
That'd go against the very nature of
man, the very essence of evolution.

425
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:30,114
When I get the desire
to bang some strange,

426
00:22:30,116 --> 00:22:33,718
I just go find
a quiet place, rub one out.

427
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,486
Hence, desire quenched.

428
00:22:35,488 --> 00:22:37,855
Hey, you don't have
to tell me about quenches.

429
00:22:37,857 --> 00:22:41,859
I desire my quench
all the fuckin' time.

430
00:22:41,993 --> 00:22:43,694
But you don't hate me?

431
00:22:43,696 --> 00:22:45,830
No, I don't hate you.

432
00:22:45,832 --> 00:22:48,532
Morgan's a beautiful woman.

433
00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:50,835
What are you gonna do?

434
00:22:50,837 --> 00:22:53,104
Ah, don't worry about me.

435
00:22:53,106 --> 00:22:55,606
Just get some rest.

436
00:23:39,751 --> 00:23:41,852
What the...

437
00:23:48,059 --> 00:23:53,197
Ah, there's the ol' lush,
sleeping in.

438
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:56,434
Oh, I hope you don't mind, I took
a couple of hits off the bong.

439
00:23:56,436 --> 00:24:00,704
I hadn't gotten high since the
stones' "bridges to Babylon" tour.

440
00:24:00,706 --> 00:24:03,541
Yeah. How do you like your eggs?

441
00:24:03,543 --> 00:24:04,608
Um...

442
00:24:04,610 --> 00:24:05,709
Scrambled?

443
00:24:05,711 --> 00:24:06,677
Scrambled it is.

444
00:24:06,679 --> 00:24:08,579
Four out of five American men
prefer scrambled.

445
00:24:08,581 --> 00:24:12,750
Over there in Europe,
they're all about the poach.

446
00:24:12,752 --> 00:24:15,820
Those guys are such pussies.

447
00:24:15,921 --> 00:24:17,188
Bacon?

448
00:24:17,190 --> 00:24:18,889
Uh, sure.

449
00:24:18,891 --> 00:24:20,758
I had bacon? And eggs?

450
00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:23,828
No. I went out and
picked up a few things.

451
00:24:23,830 --> 00:24:26,030
Yeah, including some luggage.

452
00:24:26,032 --> 00:24:28,899
No, that was in the car.

453
00:24:29,634 --> 00:24:32,036
So, you left her.

454
00:24:32,038 --> 00:24:35,673
Temporarily. She'll feel
more guilt that way.

455
00:24:35,675 --> 00:24:38,008
Ooh! Ah...

456
00:24:38,010 --> 00:24:41,078
There she is. "Decline."

457
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:44,682
Oh, you know what? I saw this
article on the refrigerator.

458
00:24:44,684 --> 00:24:49,119
Piqued my curiosity.
"Men's life crisis at age 25."

459
00:24:49,121 --> 00:24:51,088
Yeah, that's what's
wrong with me.

460
00:24:51,090 --> 00:24:54,191
There is now a life crisis
before the mid-life crisis

461
00:24:54,193 --> 00:24:58,496
that experts are calling
the "early-life crisis."

462
00:24:58,498 --> 00:24:59,530
Oh, that's clever.

463
00:24:59,532 --> 00:25:01,732
Yeah. I've been
stuck in one of those.

464
00:25:01,734 --> 00:25:02,867
Yeah? For how long?

465
00:25:02,869 --> 00:25:04,568
Just over eight years.

466
00:25:04,570 --> 00:25:05,569
Close to a decade.

467
00:25:05,571 --> 00:25:08,138
I'm suffering from over-ambitious
aspirations for myself,

468
00:25:08,140 --> 00:25:11,175
so I worry about
getting a better job,

469
00:25:11,177 --> 00:25:12,710
I desire a nicer place to live,

470
00:25:12,712 --> 00:25:15,179
and swankier clothes to wear,
and hotter girls.

471
00:25:15,181 --> 00:25:19,917
And I want to attain all of this
while I'm eradicating my debt.

472
00:25:19,919 --> 00:25:21,085
It's ridiculous.

473
00:25:21,087 --> 00:25:23,654
"Should adopt
more realistic ambitions"

474
00:25:23,656 --> 00:25:25,823
"to feel happier
and less stress."

475
00:25:25,825 --> 00:25:27,258
That's easy for them to say.

476
00:25:27,260 --> 00:25:30,961
They have an awesome job
at a magazine.

477
00:25:31,663 --> 00:25:33,230
Dickheads.

478
00:25:38,604 --> 00:25:41,005
I'm moving in here for a while.

479
00:25:41,606 --> 00:25:42,606
What? Yeah.

480
00:25:42,608 --> 00:25:46,577
Morgan's faithlessness
has emboldened me

481
00:25:46,579 --> 00:25:48,879
to take a vacation from her,

482
00:25:48,881 --> 00:25:52,249
from our marriage,
from my career.

483
00:25:52,251 --> 00:25:53,784
Yeah. I want to spend it here.

484
00:25:53,786 --> 00:25:57,221
You said it looked like a pirate
ship and smelled of beef noodles.

485
00:25:57,223 --> 00:26:02,159
And you said it smelled of
man, and you were right.

486
00:26:02,294 --> 00:26:03,561
I... I was?

487
00:26:03,563 --> 00:26:05,863
Yes. What the fuck
am I going to do?

488
00:26:05,865 --> 00:26:07,665
I'm going to lay around
a swanky hotel

489
00:26:07,667 --> 00:26:12,303
swimming pool in a fluffy robe with
a slice of cucumber in my water?

490
00:26:12,305 --> 00:26:15,072
Order caviar-topped potatoes?

491
00:26:15,074 --> 00:26:16,006
Get massages?

492
00:26:16,008 --> 00:26:18,742
I started making a little
bit of money as a lawyer

493
00:26:18,744 --> 00:26:21,912
and turned into George Hamilton.

494
00:26:21,914 --> 00:26:23,047
I don't know who that is.

495
00:26:23,049 --> 00:26:26,750
Morgan is largely responsible
for me becoming fancy.

496
00:26:26,752 --> 00:26:30,955
The flat screen had to be
moved out of the bathroom.

497
00:26:30,957 --> 00:26:34,191
Can't eat any food anywhere
near the Italian bed linens.

498
00:26:34,193 --> 00:26:38,796
She's even got me wearing pink
Polo shirts on the weekend.

499
00:26:38,798 --> 00:26:39,930
Pink is sometimes nice.

500
00:26:39,932 --> 00:26:41,332
Yeah, it's nice
on birthday cakes.

501
00:26:41,334 --> 00:26:46,103
But it doesn't belong on a
rough-riding son of a bitch like me.

502
00:26:46,105 --> 00:26:46,937
Or you!

503
00:26:46,939 --> 00:26:51,809
This whole man-shed experience has
brought me back to a blissful time

504
00:26:51,811 --> 00:26:53,377
when I was emotionally unformed

505
00:26:53,379 --> 00:26:57,681
and completely devoid of a
woman's redecorating tips.

506
00:26:57,683 --> 00:27:01,018
All I did in those days
was follow my pecker around.

507
00:27:01,020 --> 00:27:04,822
I didn't give a fuck
about anybody or anything.

508
00:27:04,824 --> 00:27:07,324
Here. What I need is here.

509
00:27:07,326 --> 00:27:09,026
I can do anything.

510
00:27:09,028 --> 00:27:12,262
I can freeball
on this ugly couch.

511
00:27:12,264 --> 00:27:13,230
Don't say that.

512
00:27:13,232 --> 00:27:16,166
I can eat chili fries
in that filthy shower.

513
00:27:16,168 --> 00:27:21,405
I can binge-drink without
judgment anytime I want.

514
00:27:21,407 --> 00:27:25,409
I appreciate you making
my man-shed sound poetic,

515
00:27:25,411 --> 00:27:29,046
but why don't you just
get your own private flop?

516
00:27:29,048 --> 00:27:31,348
Why do you need
to share with me?

517
00:27:31,350 --> 00:27:32,783
That's the genius part.

518
00:27:32,785 --> 00:27:39,857
This is the ice cream on top of
the pie, on top of the candy bar.

519
00:27:40,258 --> 00:27:42,393
You don't see it, do you?

520
00:27:42,994 --> 00:27:43,827
I don't.

521
00:27:43,829 --> 00:27:46,864
Morgan's fucked us
both over, correct?

522
00:27:47,432 --> 00:27:48,365
Very correct.

523
00:27:48,367 --> 00:27:52,069
Do you know how batshit crazy
she is gonna go

524
00:27:52,071 --> 00:27:56,006
when she finds out
that we're living together?

525
00:27:56,708 --> 00:27:57,274
Ooh.

526
00:27:57,276 --> 00:27:58,976
I'm going to pay the rent.

527
00:27:58,978 --> 00:28:00,277
I'm gonna pay for utilities,

528
00:28:00,279 --> 00:28:04,114
groceries, weed,
booze, whatever.

529
00:28:04,182 --> 00:28:06,917
I'm going to pay for everything.

530
00:28:08,688 --> 00:28:11,422
Rent's due on the first.

531
00:28:13,925 --> 00:28:18,128
And the first variation
is to lean to one skate.

532
00:28:18,130 --> 00:28:20,264
This is a really good
stretch for your side.

533
00:28:20,266 --> 00:28:24,268
Okay, go ahead and come up,
square your shoulders.

534
00:28:24,270 --> 00:28:27,304
Try to reach
for your other skate.

535
00:28:28,340 --> 00:28:30,174
Shit, that's a cop knock.

536
00:28:30,176 --> 00:28:32,943
No, that's a muumuu knock.

537
00:28:33,946 --> 00:28:36,246
Wait, this could
be the weed talking,

538
00:28:36,248 --> 00:28:37,448
but there's a cow at the door?

539
00:28:37,450 --> 00:28:42,219
No, it's our indecipherable
landlord who only wears guess what?

540
00:28:42,221 --> 00:28:45,856
Sorry about
the noise last night.

541
00:28:46,491 --> 00:28:47,391
She sounds sexy.

542
00:28:47,393 --> 00:28:50,060
Yeah, she's got charm for days.

543
00:28:50,062 --> 00:28:51,495
Lyle, my old roommate,

544
00:28:51,497 --> 00:28:55,399
he thinks she runs guns
out of the laundry room.

545
00:28:57,402 --> 00:29:00,370
What are your plans for the
rest of the day? Hmm...

546
00:29:00,372 --> 00:29:04,842
These leg lunges supersede any plans
I had for the rest of my life.

547
00:29:04,844 --> 00:29:07,244
Lean into it.

548
00:29:07,246 --> 00:29:08,412
Don't forget to breathe.

549
00:29:08,414 --> 00:29:12,382
You know where I've always
wanted to have lunch?

550
00:29:15,220 --> 00:29:17,187
How's it going
with that hangover?

551
00:29:17,189 --> 00:29:18,489
I think it's getting worse.

552
00:29:18,491 --> 00:29:22,359
Well, damn it, boy, hit it
with another engineer beer.

553
00:29:22,361 --> 00:29:25,262
Or some of that
choo-choo chicken.

554
00:29:25,330 --> 00:29:26,396
Look at this.

555
00:29:26,398 --> 00:29:28,198
We had breakfast,
like, an hour ago.

556
00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:31,301
Slow down. You're going to
give yourself a heart attack.

557
00:29:31,303 --> 00:29:32,903
Get used to my gluttony.

558
00:29:32,905 --> 00:29:36,073
I tend to eat a lot on vacation.

559
00:29:36,075 --> 00:29:39,042
Did... that... did...
What the fuck?

560
00:29:39,044 --> 00:29:43,347
That guy just took the last
of the piggyback potatoes!

561
00:29:43,349 --> 00:29:45,082
Shh.

562
00:29:45,183 --> 00:29:46,517
Shit.

563
00:29:46,519 --> 00:29:48,252
That's why I'm here.

564
00:29:48,254 --> 00:29:52,189
Oh, I am gonna have an excellent
bowel movement tomorrow.

565
00:29:52,191 --> 00:29:53,524
Guaranteed.

566
00:29:53,526 --> 00:29:55,459
So, what are
your new aspirations

567
00:29:55,461 --> 00:29:59,396
now that the antiquities
industry has shit-canned you?

568
00:29:59,398 --> 00:30:02,366
Okay, um...

569
00:30:02,368 --> 00:30:05,035
To own my own company
that makes me a lot of money.

570
00:30:05,037 --> 00:30:06,970
What that company does,
I'm not really sure yet.

571
00:30:06,972 --> 00:30:10,040
I'd like a vintage Cadillac
with original leather interior.

572
00:30:10,042 --> 00:30:13,210
House on the water. Winter
home in the Virgin Islands.

573
00:30:13,212 --> 00:30:16,046
I'd like a wife,
hot, preferably Asian...

574
00:30:16,048 --> 00:30:17,848
I'm gonna stop you there. Yeah?

575
00:30:17,850 --> 00:30:20,851
I'm gonna recommend that you
adopt more realistic ambitions

576
00:30:20,853 --> 00:30:25,455
because it sounds like you're a
bit of an unrealistic dreamer.

577
00:30:25,457 --> 00:30:26,290
Guilty.

578
00:30:26,292 --> 00:30:27,524
I'm Pisces, so I view the world

579
00:30:27,526 --> 00:30:29,259
through Rose-tinted spectacles.

580
00:30:29,261 --> 00:30:32,596
Oh, that stung all the
way to my brain stem.

581
00:30:32,598 --> 00:30:33,964
You gotta be kidding me.

582
00:30:33,966 --> 00:30:35,299
If you want to pick up a girl,

583
00:30:35,301 --> 00:30:37,835
you gotta infuse your vocab with
a little bit more testosterone.

584
00:30:37,837 --> 00:30:41,171
Words like "tits"
and "big tits."

585
00:30:41,173 --> 00:30:43,941
Listen, Cadillacs
and beach houses,

586
00:30:43,943 --> 00:30:48,612
those are the dreams
of stupid, naive people.

587
00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:51,014
That's not you, right?

588
00:30:53,351 --> 00:30:54,451
Grady?

589
00:30:54,453 --> 00:30:55,619
Yeah.

590
00:30:55,621 --> 00:30:59,022
They put out
more piggyback potatoes.

591
00:30:59,024 --> 00:31:00,557
What?

592
00:31:00,559 --> 00:31:01,291
When?

593
00:31:01,293 --> 00:31:03,560
I find it a little
strange, actually,

594
00:31:03,562 --> 00:31:06,496
that you blame
"extreme muff deficiency"

595
00:31:06,498 --> 00:31:07,998
as the root of my problems,

596
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:12,569
when the last muff I was in
belonged to your wife.

597
00:31:13,071 --> 00:31:14,571
Thank you. Thanks.

598
00:31:14,573 --> 00:31:16,139
Let me ask you a question.

599
00:31:16,141 --> 00:31:19,509
If a fat guy diets, exercises,

600
00:31:19,511 --> 00:31:21,912
takes vitamins
two weeks out of the year,

601
00:31:21,914 --> 00:31:26,516
does that necessarily make
him a healthy person?

602
00:31:26,518 --> 00:31:27,517
I get your point.

603
00:31:27,519 --> 00:31:29,586
So how come you're not out
there closing some ass?

604
00:31:29,588 --> 00:31:34,324
How? Where? I hate going out.
I hate going to bars.

605
00:31:34,326 --> 00:31:36,126
The music's always so loud.

606
00:31:36,128 --> 00:31:37,461
I can barely hear myself speak,

607
00:31:37,463 --> 00:31:39,496
let alone the lady
I'm trying to connect with.

608
00:31:39,498 --> 00:31:41,198
So it becomes this
choreographed routine

609
00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:45,335
of two people just leaning into each
other all night, saying, "what?"

610
00:31:45,337 --> 00:31:47,304
"What? What? What?"

611
00:31:47,306 --> 00:31:48,605
Well, that's your problem.

612
00:31:48,607 --> 00:31:50,574
Bars are not made for talking.

613
00:31:50,576 --> 00:31:52,376
That's why the music is so loud.

614
00:31:52,378 --> 00:31:54,611
You only need to be concerned
about two questions,

615
00:31:54,613 --> 00:31:59,049
"what are you drinking?"
And, "where are we humping?"

616
00:32:00,085 --> 00:32:02,486
Could you see that on a t-shirt?
I just made that up.

617
00:32:02,488 --> 00:32:06,924
Unfortunately, yes, I can
see that on a t-shirt.

618
00:32:07,593 --> 00:32:09,192
Are you okay to drive?

619
00:32:09,194 --> 00:32:11,395
No. Definitely not. Get in.

620
00:32:12,264 --> 00:32:16,300
What if you woke up
and you were 15 again?

621
00:32:16,302 --> 00:32:21,505
The funny thing is,
I don't feel that way anymore.

622
00:32:21,507 --> 00:32:26,176
Oh... that was
a delightful bubble bath.

623
00:32:26,178 --> 00:32:27,311
Whose Mr. bubble is this?

624
00:32:27,313 --> 00:32:29,479
Who else lives here
apart from you?

625
00:32:29,481 --> 00:32:31,682
I thought it might've been
your old roommate's.

626
00:32:31,684 --> 00:32:35,085
No, when people move out,
they bring their Mr. bubble.

627
00:32:35,087 --> 00:32:36,353
That's how it works.

628
00:32:36,355 --> 00:32:39,156
Oh, well, you're out
of Mr. bubble.

629
00:32:39,158 --> 00:32:39,990
What?

630
00:32:39,992 --> 00:32:41,591
Jesus Christ,
that was a new bottle.

631
00:32:41,593 --> 00:32:44,594
You're only supposed
to use a capful. A capful!

632
00:32:44,596 --> 00:32:49,533
It really smelled good,
so I just kept pouring it in.

633
00:32:50,101 --> 00:32:51,735
What are you watching?

634
00:32:51,737 --> 00:32:55,005
Ah. It's Dawson's creek.

635
00:32:56,107 --> 00:32:57,174
Is this VHS?

636
00:32:57,176 --> 00:33:01,378
Yup. I have every episode recorded
on their original air date.

637
00:33:01,380 --> 00:33:03,680
I got them on eBay from
this woman in Delaware.

638
00:33:03,682 --> 00:33:09,052
She sent them in this awesome
casket she made, too. Look.

639
00:33:09,153 --> 00:33:11,021
Seriously,
what is this show about?

640
00:33:11,023 --> 00:33:12,756
It's about
an ambitious young man

641
00:33:12,758 --> 00:33:14,224
named Dawson leery
and his friends

642
00:33:14,226 --> 00:33:18,161
as they learn all about love and
life in capeside, Massachusetts.

643
00:33:18,163 --> 00:33:22,165
Romantic entanglements and
growing pains are aplenty.

644
00:33:22,167 --> 00:33:25,035
You are going to love it.

645
00:33:26,671 --> 00:33:31,208
That sounds like the worst fucking
TV show I've ever heard of.

646
00:33:31,210 --> 00:33:32,309
No. Yeah.

647
00:33:32,311 --> 00:33:33,343
We're not watching this.

648
00:33:33,345 --> 00:33:37,481
Come on, find a sporting event
or something with car crashes.

649
00:33:37,483 --> 00:33:39,182
Do you bite off
Morgan's head like this

650
00:33:39,184 --> 00:33:41,218
every time she wants to watch
her favorite programming?

651
00:33:41,220 --> 00:33:44,321
We don't watch
television together.

652
00:33:44,323 --> 00:33:46,590
Never? No.

653
00:33:46,592 --> 00:33:48,592
I always thought
the best part of marriage

654
00:33:48,594 --> 00:33:50,160
would be settling in every night

655
00:33:50,162 --> 00:33:52,062
to watch television
with your life partner.

656
00:33:52,064 --> 00:33:55,198
You know, making fun of
the weatherman's hair,

657
00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:59,336
shouting out answers
during family feud.

658
00:33:59,470 --> 00:34:00,537
Not even top chef?

659
00:34:00,539 --> 00:34:04,741
No, not even top chef,
whatever the fuck that is.

660
00:34:04,743 --> 00:34:08,478
We have jobs,
and we work most nights.

661
00:34:08,746 --> 00:34:09,646
That's sad.

662
00:34:09,648 --> 00:34:12,215
What would you know
about it, stensland?

663
00:34:13,184 --> 00:34:16,653
Get me the Doritos
and a tumbler of scotch.

664
00:34:16,655 --> 00:34:19,556
Come on, come on, come on.

665
00:34:19,558 --> 00:34:21,291
We don't have tumblers.

666
00:34:21,293 --> 00:34:22,659
I'll put it in a jelly jar.

667
00:34:22,661 --> 00:34:24,227
You don't have
jelly jars either.

668
00:34:24,229 --> 00:34:26,163
I threw them all out
this morning.

669
00:34:26,165 --> 00:34:28,465
God damn it.

670
00:34:29,368 --> 00:34:32,636
Hey, that's a muumuu knock. You
want me to grab that, roomie?

671
00:34:32,638 --> 00:34:33,837
No, I'll get it.

672
00:34:33,839 --> 00:34:37,240
Sorry, we'll keep
the fucking noise...

673
00:34:37,242 --> 00:34:39,342
Good, you're alive.

674
00:34:39,344 --> 00:34:40,243
What are you...

675
00:34:40,245 --> 00:34:43,146
Grady said he was coming over here
to kill you last night, so...

676
00:34:43,148 --> 00:34:44,281
You were worried about me.

677
00:34:44,283 --> 00:34:48,385
No, I was worried
about instigating a murder.

678
00:34:48,387 --> 00:34:49,286
Good night.

679
00:34:49,288 --> 00:34:54,658
Hey, stens! I'm very high,
and I cannot feel my feet.

680
00:34:57,728 --> 00:35:00,464
Grady! Oh, shit!

681
00:35:00,565 --> 00:35:02,432
Whoa, what are you
doing here, man?

682
00:35:02,434 --> 00:35:06,636
Um, you said you were going to
come here and kill him last night.

683
00:35:06,638 --> 00:35:08,171
She was worried about me.

684
00:35:08,173 --> 00:35:11,541
I was not worried
about you, okay?

685
00:35:11,642 --> 00:35:12,742
What are you doing here?

686
00:35:12,744 --> 00:35:15,145
I thought you checked into
the Sorrento last night.

687
00:35:15,147 --> 00:35:19,149
Nope. Nope,
I live here now, woman.

688
00:35:19,217 --> 00:35:20,750
What?

689
00:35:21,619 --> 00:35:25,489
That's a joke, right?

690
00:35:25,491 --> 00:35:26,189
No.

691
00:35:26,191 --> 00:35:28,692
Stensland and I have bonded
over the mutual hatred of you.

692
00:35:28,694 --> 00:35:30,594
Oh, well, "hatred"
is a strong word.

693
00:35:30,596 --> 00:35:32,629
See, unlike you
and your sisterhood

694
00:35:32,631 --> 00:35:34,197
of catty, hair-pulling harpies,

695
00:35:34,199 --> 00:35:37,634
men can move past their
mistakes and form a fellowship.

696
00:35:37,636 --> 00:35:40,137
A creed, if you will.
That's why we run the world.

697
00:35:40,139 --> 00:35:44,508
Oh, and what an honorable job you
frat dickheads are doing, thank you.

698
00:35:44,510 --> 00:35:45,909
Morgan,
I don't hate you, per Se.

699
00:35:45,911 --> 00:35:48,512
I'm just very upset... Wait a second.
Wait a second.

700
00:35:48,514 --> 00:35:51,414
You said she lied to you
and broke your heart,

701
00:35:51,416 --> 00:35:52,716
and you're going
to stand over there

702
00:35:52,718 --> 00:35:54,518
and kiss her ass like
you owe her something.

703
00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:57,387
Shut up. Grow some
balls, stensland.

704
00:35:57,389 --> 00:35:58,355
Stop it, Grady!

705
00:35:58,357 --> 00:35:59,523
Fucking do it! Fine!

706
00:35:59,525 --> 00:36:02,292
Morgan, I'm really
fucking pissed at you!

707
00:36:02,294 --> 00:36:05,395
You're very pretty,
but you're a liar!

708
00:36:05,397 --> 00:36:06,563
Get a load of this, sister.

709
00:36:06,565 --> 00:36:09,499
Me and this fella right here, we're
taking a long Morgan vacation,

710
00:36:09,501 --> 00:36:11,501
and if you don't like that,
then you can just head out

711
00:36:11,503 --> 00:36:14,471
and find yourself
another boy toy!

712
00:36:14,473 --> 00:36:17,340
Yeah. High-five that shit.

713
00:36:17,575 --> 00:36:20,644
Oh, this is so twisted,
even for you.

714
00:36:20,646 --> 00:36:22,279
Is it? Okay, you know what?

715
00:36:22,281 --> 00:36:24,681
Just so you know,
it's not lost on me

716
00:36:24,683 --> 00:36:27,184
how insulting
this must be for you

717
00:36:27,186 --> 00:36:29,853
that I cheated on you
with this child over here.

718
00:36:29,855 --> 00:36:31,955
Don't mind me, Morgan,
I'm just standing right here.

719
00:36:31,957 --> 00:36:33,623
Will you just shut up?
All right.

720
00:36:33,625 --> 00:36:35,525
Please? Just shut...
Sorry. Yeah.

721
00:36:35,527 --> 00:36:37,961
I'll stop talking right now.
You talk too much.

722
00:36:37,963 --> 00:36:40,297
Okay. Stop.

723
00:36:40,565 --> 00:36:43,567
What was my next move
supposed to be, Grady?

724
00:36:43,569 --> 00:36:44,901
I told you that
we were losing touch,

725
00:36:44,903 --> 00:36:47,737
that I needed more from you,
and you ignored me.

726
00:36:47,739 --> 00:36:50,907
You blew off therapy, you
drifted further away from me.

727
00:36:50,909 --> 00:36:54,544
I mean, what is someone supposed to
do when they're wandering around

728
00:36:54,546 --> 00:36:58,782
in the emotional equivalent
of the Atacama desert, huh?

729
00:36:58,784 --> 00:37:04,588
Or starving for affection like
some Brazilian street orphan?

730
00:37:07,525 --> 00:37:09,926
Is this BBC world news?

731
00:37:10,729 --> 00:37:13,830
Oh, Jesus, fuck you.
Just fuck you.

732
00:37:14,498 --> 00:37:16,633
This is our marriage, Grady.

733
00:37:16,635 --> 00:37:19,236
We need to sit down,
and we need to talk, okay?

734
00:37:19,238 --> 00:37:20,503
But I am not doing it here.

735
00:37:20,505 --> 00:37:24,407
So please go get your stuff,
and let's go.

736
00:37:25,309 --> 00:37:26,743
No.

737
00:37:29,347 --> 00:37:29,946
Sorry.

738
00:37:29,948 --> 00:37:31,581
I'm going to stay here
with stensland

739
00:37:31,583 --> 00:37:33,650
and watch an episode
of Darren's stream.

740
00:37:33,652 --> 00:37:36,453
That'd be Dawson's creek.

741
00:37:41,525 --> 00:37:43,493
You do that.

742
00:37:49,033 --> 00:37:52,736
Jesus. What's with
her cheap shots?

743
00:37:52,738 --> 00:37:53,670
Aw, forget it.

744
00:37:53,672 --> 00:37:56,673
You told her off like a man.
Didn't that feel good?

745
00:37:56,675 --> 00:37:58,341
No, it exhausted me.

746
00:37:58,343 --> 00:37:59,909
I'm going to go
to bed for a few days.

747
00:37:59,911 --> 00:38:01,845
What are you talking about?
It's not even 10:00.

748
00:38:01,847 --> 00:38:04,347
I mean, the pubs are
crawling with young bug.

749
00:38:04,349 --> 00:38:06,416
We've got to get out there,
we've got to get some.

750
00:38:06,418 --> 00:38:09,653
I've got to cash in
a "bang some strange" card.

751
00:38:09,655 --> 00:38:10,687
No. Yes.

752
00:38:10,689 --> 00:38:12,722
No. Oh, yes. Come on.

753
00:38:12,724 --> 00:38:13,823
Stensland says no!

754
00:38:13,825 --> 00:38:15,825
Two double black labels
on the rocks, please.

755
00:38:15,827 --> 00:38:18,495
You got it. Thank you.

756
00:38:18,497 --> 00:38:19,763
First prospect on the board.

757
00:38:19,765 --> 00:38:23,600
Bartenders flirt for tips,
they can't be prospects.

758
00:38:23,602 --> 00:38:24,501
Oh, come on.

759
00:38:24,503 --> 00:38:28,471
Dogs beg for milk-bones, but
they still wanna hump your leg.

760
00:38:28,473 --> 00:38:30,373
Now then,
in scouting for a prospect,

761
00:38:30,375 --> 00:38:31,908
you've got to take in
the whole field.

762
00:38:31,910 --> 00:38:34,344
You know what
a baseball scout is, right?

763
00:38:34,346 --> 00:38:35,378
I'm Irish, not Amish.

764
00:38:35,380 --> 00:38:38,682
Good. That's good.
I knew you'd be good at this.

765
00:38:38,684 --> 00:38:39,949
There you go, boys. Thank you.

766
00:38:39,951 --> 00:38:43,687
Keep that tab wide open.
Giddyup.

767
00:38:44,455 --> 00:38:46,323
See?

768
00:38:47,926 --> 00:38:49,326
Tonight we're muff scouts.

769
00:38:49,328 --> 00:38:51,394
I know, it lacks wit,
but it's real.

770
00:38:51,396 --> 00:38:54,464
So, when we're scouting quail,
what are we looking for?

771
00:38:54,466 --> 00:38:55,532
Body, face, what else?

772
00:38:55,534 --> 00:38:57,834
Intelligence,
sense of self, fashion.

773
00:38:57,836 --> 00:38:59,636
No! That's the pink
part of your brain

774
00:38:59,638 --> 00:39:01,705
that allows you
to enjoy Dawson's creek.

775
00:39:01,707 --> 00:39:03,773
The end game is to get 'em nude,

776
00:39:03,775 --> 00:39:07,043
sans fashion,
so it's never a factor.

777
00:39:07,045 --> 00:39:10,347
But what is a factor
is personality.

778
00:39:10,349 --> 00:39:13,049
And it's as easy to spot
as a panty line.

779
00:39:13,051 --> 00:39:15,952
Are they laughing?
Are they smiling?

780
00:39:15,954 --> 00:39:17,721
Are they giving off
any indication

781
00:39:17,723 --> 00:39:19,089
that they're having a good time,

782
00:39:19,091 --> 00:39:23,126
or that they're eager
to have a good time with you?

783
00:39:23,128 --> 00:39:26,996
Many of them are going to be
wearing this precious little smile

784
00:39:26,998 --> 00:39:33,837
that says, "hey, please,
please come talk to me."

785
00:39:33,839 --> 00:39:36,539
I know that little smile.

786
00:39:36,541 --> 00:39:39,476
Of course you do,
you fuckin' animal.

787
00:39:39,478 --> 00:39:41,444
That's why they're drinking here

788
00:39:41,446 --> 00:39:46,149
and not at home alone
with their kitty cats.

789
00:39:46,151 --> 00:39:49,152
Now then, survey the showroom,

790
00:39:49,154 --> 00:39:54,391
pick out a model,
take her for a sex drive.

791
00:39:54,393 --> 00:39:56,126
And for the sake of Christ,

792
00:39:56,128 --> 00:39:59,396
keep drinking the rocket sauce.

793
00:40:31,863 --> 00:40:33,997
Hey! Hey.

794
00:40:33,999 --> 00:40:35,999
What kind of drink is that?

795
00:40:36,001 --> 00:40:38,601
It's a Harlem mugger.

796
00:40:39,069 --> 00:40:40,003
What?

797
00:40:40,005 --> 00:40:41,571
A Harlem mugger!

798
00:40:41,573 --> 00:40:44,207
Oh! What's in it? Racism?

799
00:40:44,209 --> 00:40:49,746
No, no, it's got vodka, gin,
white rum, Tequila, champagne,

800
00:40:49,748 --> 00:40:51,648
and a little cranberry juice.

801
00:40:51,650 --> 00:40:52,816
Always gets me shitfaced.

802
00:40:52,818 --> 00:40:54,784
Oh, my god.

803
00:40:54,786 --> 00:40:56,753
What's a lovely girl
like you doing

804
00:40:56,755 --> 00:40:58,721
with a horrible drink like that?

805
00:40:58,723 --> 00:41:00,657
Are you a bootlegger?

806
00:41:00,659 --> 00:41:01,491
No, no.

807
00:41:01,493 --> 00:41:04,761
I ordered it because it smells
just like this anti-fungal shampoo

808
00:41:04,763 --> 00:41:07,030
I used to wash my pony with.

809
00:41:07,032 --> 00:41:08,231
Oh, is that right?

810
00:41:08,233 --> 00:41:09,232
Yeah, Gingerbelle.

811
00:41:09,234 --> 00:41:12,802
I couldn't decide between the
names Gingerbread and Clarabelle,

812
00:41:12,804 --> 00:41:14,170
so I combined them. Gingerbelle!

813
00:41:14,172 --> 00:41:16,539
That's interesting. I
loved her so much.

814
00:41:16,541 --> 00:41:20,543
Aw, gingerbelle had this fungal
skin infection called "rain rot"

815
00:41:20,545 --> 00:41:23,880
and on warm nights, I used to
snuggle up with her in the barn,

816
00:41:23,882 --> 00:41:27,984
and then the bacteria from her
infection spread onto me.

817
00:41:27,986 --> 00:41:29,018
I still can't grow hair

818
00:41:29,020 --> 00:41:31,054
in my left armpit or half
my pubic region, but...

819
00:41:31,056 --> 00:41:33,022
Bye.

820
00:41:34,492 --> 00:41:35,058
Bye!

821
00:41:35,060 --> 00:41:39,062
So the guy goes, "hey, who
put the baby in the dryer?"

822
00:41:39,064 --> 00:41:40,163
Excuse me, miss?

823
00:41:40,165 --> 00:41:42,632
Oh, man. Be right back.

824
00:41:42,634 --> 00:41:44,033
What are you doing here?

825
00:41:44,035 --> 00:41:45,535
Ugh, it's not gonna happen.

826
00:41:45,537 --> 00:41:49,105
I got talking to a girl,
but she was into animals.

827
00:41:49,107 --> 00:41:50,507
Really?

828
00:41:50,509 --> 00:41:51,241
Not like that.

829
00:41:51,243 --> 00:41:52,609
Before I even got her name,

830
00:41:52,611 --> 00:41:55,812
she tells me about this pony she
caught a bacterial infection from.

831
00:41:55,814 --> 00:41:58,081
Yeah, that's rain rot.

832
00:41:58,083 --> 00:41:59,148
How do you know that?

833
00:41:59,150 --> 00:42:00,683
I was in 4-H when I was a kid.

834
00:42:00,685 --> 00:42:03,219
Look, it's nothing.
It just makes you shed.

835
00:42:03,221 --> 00:42:04,220
It's no big deal.

836
00:42:04,222 --> 00:42:07,690
Go back out there and just
casually bring up your penis.

837
00:42:07,692 --> 00:42:09,125
This is pathetic.

838
00:42:09,127 --> 00:42:10,960
You do realize
there's not a lady here

839
00:42:10,962 --> 00:42:12,896
who can hold a candle
to your wife, right?

840
00:42:12,898 --> 00:42:17,834
Stensland!
Don't bring her up again.

841
00:42:18,602 --> 00:42:20,837
Get away from me.

842
00:42:26,277 --> 00:42:28,011
Everything okay here? Yeah.

843
00:42:28,013 --> 00:42:30,613
Can I get
another double, please?

844
00:42:30,615 --> 00:42:34,183
Oh. And a shot of Tequila.

845
00:42:34,185 --> 00:42:38,621
The shittiest, cheapest
Tequila that you have.

846
00:42:55,873 --> 00:42:57,707
Hi.

847
00:42:59,610 --> 00:43:01,578
Hi.

848
00:43:01,779 --> 00:43:06,182
Can you get the fuck up
and off my $700 jacket?

849
00:43:06,184 --> 00:43:07,884
Oh.

850
00:43:08,185 --> 00:43:10,119
I'm sorry.

851
00:43:10,754 --> 00:43:11,921
Just give it! Sorry.

852
00:43:11,923 --> 00:43:14,857
Just watch where the fuck you
sit next time, dick face.

853
00:43:14,859 --> 00:43:16,125
"Dick face"? Jesus Christ.

854
00:43:16,127 --> 00:43:21,364
Why don't you tell your whore to
watch where she drops her shit?

855
00:43:23,101 --> 00:43:23,800
Oh.

856
00:43:23,802 --> 00:43:26,069
No, I didn't say that,
he said that.

857
00:43:26,071 --> 00:43:27,303
No. No, I didn't. What?

858
00:43:27,305 --> 00:43:30,273
Listen, drink this, 'cause you're
gonna need it in about five minutes.

859
00:43:30,275 --> 00:43:32,241
Who'd you call a whore,
motherfucker?

860
00:43:32,243 --> 00:43:34,644
I believe he's referring to her,

861
00:43:34,646 --> 00:43:37,213
and, uh, he also
bet me a fish taco

862
00:43:37,215 --> 00:43:38,748
that he'd have her blowing him

863
00:43:38,750 --> 00:43:41,384
in the men's room by last call.
What the fuck are you doing?

864
00:43:41,386 --> 00:43:42,719
That is confidence.

865
00:43:42,721 --> 00:43:45,321
Oh, fuck! Okay.
Outside, right now.

866
00:43:45,323 --> 00:43:46,923
Bitch. "Bitch"?

867
00:43:46,925 --> 00:43:49,325
Bitch. "Bitch"? Jesus.

868
00:43:49,327 --> 00:43:50,760
Don't ever bring up a man's wife

869
00:43:50,762 --> 00:43:52,996
when you're on bush
patrol with him, okay?

870
00:43:52,998 --> 00:43:54,697
You couldn't deal
with a pony snuggler,

871
00:43:54,699 --> 00:43:56,132
and you dragged me
down with you,

872
00:43:56,134 --> 00:43:57,266
and that has consequences.

873
00:43:57,268 --> 00:44:00,136
Consequences that apparently
mean my death, asshole!

874
00:44:00,138 --> 00:44:02,939
Thanks a bunch! You're welcome.

875
00:44:02,941 --> 00:44:04,007
God damn it!

876
00:44:04,009 --> 00:44:05,074
Let's do this, pussy!

877
00:44:05,076 --> 00:44:07,310
I can't believe you did this. He's
gonna put me in the hospital.

878
00:44:07,312 --> 00:44:08,878
You know what,
you pissed me off,

879
00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:10,880
but now I feel
a little shitty about it

880
00:44:10,882 --> 00:44:12,348
because that fucking guy's huge.

881
00:44:12,350 --> 00:44:13,282
He's a giant.

882
00:44:13,284 --> 00:44:16,085
Do you know what? Aside from all
that, you need this, stensland.

883
00:44:16,087 --> 00:44:17,353
Oh, I need this? Yes.

884
00:44:17,355 --> 00:44:18,821
Violence is good for a guy.

885
00:44:18,823 --> 00:44:22,358
It'll cure you of the desire to watch
Dawson's creek every day. Right?

886
00:44:23,294 --> 00:44:24,961
Hey, it's an award-winner!
Best drama,

887
00:44:24,963 --> 00:44:27,230
teen choice awards! Twice!

888
00:44:27,232 --> 00:44:28,197
Use that anger.

889
00:44:28,199 --> 00:44:30,266
You've been bullied
your whole life, stensland.

890
00:44:30,268 --> 00:44:31,334
Do something about it.

891
00:44:31,336 --> 00:44:34,270
Put every prick's face that you ever
dealt with on that prick's face.

892
00:44:34,272 --> 00:44:37,173
You just shut up and leave me alone.
Good.

893
00:44:37,175 --> 00:44:39,208
Let do this, punk!

894
00:44:39,210 --> 00:44:40,943
Fuck! Nice shot.

895
00:44:40,945 --> 00:44:43,946
All right. Proceed.

896
00:44:44,148 --> 00:44:46,416
This will all end very soon.

897
00:44:46,418 --> 00:44:47,784
Come on, stens.

898
00:44:47,786 --> 00:44:50,687
Hey, freshman dork.
Look at those bitch hips!

899
00:44:50,689 --> 00:44:52,955
Make good handles
for your boyfriend, huh?

900
00:44:52,957 --> 00:44:54,157
Oh!

901
00:44:54,159 --> 00:44:55,725
Keep 'em up. Get 'em up.

902
00:44:55,727 --> 00:44:58,227
You either get giddy
about the antique furniture,

903
00:44:58,229 --> 00:45:00,463
or get giddy in
the unemployment line.

904
00:45:00,465 --> 00:45:03,433
Come on, Stensy.

905
00:45:03,435 --> 00:45:06,202
You're a child, stensland.

906
00:45:06,204 --> 00:45:07,070
A mistake.

907
00:45:07,072 --> 00:45:09,939
I could never
be your girlfriend.

908
00:45:18,782 --> 00:45:21,384
Keep fighting! I did it!

909
00:45:24,321 --> 00:45:26,756
Stensy?

910
00:45:28,492 --> 00:45:30,893
Stensland!

911
00:45:32,763 --> 00:45:34,430
Mmm...

912
00:45:34,865 --> 00:45:37,133
Hello, Dolly.

913
00:45:37,201 --> 00:45:39,802
Why do I have
Wilford Brimley's mustache?

914
00:45:39,804 --> 00:45:41,938
Stensland, you punched me
in the face.

915
00:45:41,940 --> 00:45:45,942
You felt that? I thought
it was only pretend.

916
00:45:51,281 --> 00:45:52,081
Whoa.

917
00:45:52,083 --> 00:45:54,417
What's your assistant doing
in the Swiss alps?

918
00:45:54,419 --> 00:45:56,185
Care for a schmoke, stensland?

919
00:45:56,187 --> 00:45:59,889
Man, she's wearing
the shit out of those hosen.

920
00:45:59,891 --> 00:46:02,058
Come, stensland. Ja, is good.

921
00:46:02,060 --> 00:46:04,794
Schmoke-ity,
schmoke-ity, schmoke-ity.

922
00:46:04,796 --> 00:46:07,530
Hmm. Ja, is good.

923
00:46:11,803 --> 00:46:14,470
I wanted a schmoke.

924
00:46:33,390 --> 00:46:37,360
Grady, you piece of shit.

925
00:46:38,462 --> 00:46:42,398
And for some reason,
she had two goats.

926
00:46:44,234 --> 00:46:46,068
You're drooling jam.

927
00:46:46,070 --> 00:46:49,872
Okay. Okay.

928
00:46:50,440 --> 00:46:52,241
So, we lived together
for three years,

929
00:46:52,243 --> 00:46:55,278
and by far the most scandalous
thing I ever saw you do was

930
00:46:55,280 --> 00:46:57,547
roll the dice on some
expired pudding cups

931
00:46:57,549 --> 00:46:59,315
you found in the
back of the fridge.

932
00:46:59,317 --> 00:47:01,484
A gamble I lost, if you remember.
I do.

933
00:47:01,486 --> 00:47:04,153
Yet, in the 48 hours
since I moved out,

934
00:47:04,155 --> 00:47:05,888
you blackmailed your mistress,

935
00:47:05,890 --> 00:47:07,290
you had a gun
stuck in your face,

936
00:47:07,292 --> 00:47:09,091
you let your mistress's
husband move in,

937
00:47:09,093 --> 00:47:12,962
and you fist-fought a man
twice your size in an alley?

938
00:47:12,964 --> 00:47:13,529
Yes.

939
00:47:13,531 --> 00:47:16,566
Why didn't you unleash any of
this radness when I was there?

940
00:47:16,568 --> 00:47:18,501
None of this is radness, Lyle.

941
00:47:18,503 --> 00:47:20,069
I need this guy out of my place.

942
00:47:20,071 --> 00:47:22,305
No, it's all radness, man. Adventure
is erupting all around you.

943
00:47:22,307 --> 00:47:26,242
And I'm hating it. No. No, you
don't realize you're loving it.

944
00:47:26,244 --> 00:47:27,910
Soldiers go to war,
and they hate it,

945
00:47:27,912 --> 00:47:29,979
yet it's all they talk about
when they get back.

946
00:47:29,981 --> 00:47:31,547
I'm a prematurely
old man who wants

947
00:47:31,549 --> 00:47:33,616
nothing more than
a comfortable place to sit

948
00:47:33,618 --> 00:47:36,352
and a diet root beer
to enjoy the silence with.

949
00:47:36,354 --> 00:47:37,486
I can't deal with all this.

950
00:47:37,488 --> 00:47:41,190
You remember final destination
and its subsequent sequels?

951
00:47:41,192 --> 00:47:42,358
The teenagers cheated death,

952
00:47:42,360 --> 00:47:44,527
and then death came
after them to finish the job?

953
00:47:44,529 --> 00:47:45,595
Great movie. Yeah.

954
00:47:45,597 --> 00:47:47,330
I think you cheated youth
in your 20s

955
00:47:47,332 --> 00:47:52,068
by denying yourself sex, and reckless
behavior, and fun in general.

956
00:47:52,070 --> 00:47:53,569
Now fun's come back
to claim your soul,

957
00:47:53,571 --> 00:47:57,406
and it's come in the form
of a middle-aged pervert.

958
00:47:57,408 --> 00:47:58,474
What if I outwit fun?

959
00:47:58,476 --> 00:48:02,478
Perform the old switcheroo to
defend my geriatric way of life.

960
00:48:02,480 --> 00:48:04,080
No, no, you can't
outwit fun, man.

961
00:48:04,082 --> 00:48:07,450
Especially when you're broke,
and fun's paying the rent.

962
00:48:09,953 --> 00:48:12,488
Thank you. You're welcome.

963
00:48:14,491 --> 00:48:16,325
Shit!

964
00:48:20,998 --> 00:48:22,431
Hannah!

965
00:48:22,599 --> 00:48:25,134
What are you doing down there?
Did you find a penny?

966
00:48:25,136 --> 00:48:28,437
No. I'm hiding
from an annoying asshole.

967
00:48:28,439 --> 00:48:29,305
Oh.

968
00:48:29,307 --> 00:48:32,108
Listen, I just want to
apologize for the other day.

969
00:48:32,110 --> 00:48:34,076
I had my panties
in a pretty tight bunch.

970
00:48:34,078 --> 00:48:38,514
I brought another apology
in the form of a warm scone.

971
00:48:38,516 --> 00:48:39,348
A scone?

972
00:48:39,350 --> 00:48:41,651
Yeah, it's from the
German term "schonbrot."

973
00:48:41,653 --> 00:48:43,152
Speaking of the old country,

974
00:48:43,154 --> 00:48:45,054
do you happen to have
any Germanic breeding

975
00:48:45,056 --> 00:48:48,257
or own a pair of exotic
lederhosen, by chance?

976
00:48:48,259 --> 00:48:49,325
Nice eye shadow.

977
00:48:49,327 --> 00:48:50,693
Oh, yeah, this is just a shiner

978
00:48:50,695 --> 00:48:53,496
from a drunken
Duke-out I had last night.

979
00:48:53,498 --> 00:48:54,630
You did? Yeah.

980
00:48:54,632 --> 00:48:58,000
Wow. You know,
that's really sexy.

981
00:48:58,002 --> 00:48:58,634
Really?

982
00:48:58,636 --> 00:49:01,037
It's the weirdest thing. I'm seeing
you in this whole new light.

983
00:49:01,039 --> 00:49:04,640
Well, you should see
the other guy. He's fine.

984
00:49:04,642 --> 00:49:06,509
I kind of want you.

985
00:49:06,511 --> 00:49:09,045
Really? No. Go away.

986
00:49:09,047 --> 00:49:10,012
Oh.

987
00:49:10,014 --> 00:49:11,480
Listen...

988
00:49:11,482 --> 00:49:13,582
I'm coming up to see Morgan.

989
00:49:13,584 --> 00:49:15,117
Can't you just leave her alone?

990
00:49:15,119 --> 00:49:17,987
She had me out drinking until
2:00 in the morning last night,

991
00:49:17,989 --> 00:49:20,122
ranting and raving
over the sick mind game

992
00:49:20,124 --> 00:49:21,457
that you and Grady are playing.

993
00:49:21,459 --> 00:49:25,461
You two jackoffs
are fucking up my shit now.

994
00:49:25,529 --> 00:49:27,463
Have you tried smoking
pot to cool down?

995
00:49:27,465 --> 00:49:30,499
It helps me unwind when I'm
stressed out, like you are now.

996
00:49:30,501 --> 00:49:34,971
Plus, it really increases my
orgasm when I masturbate.

997
00:49:34,973 --> 00:49:37,640
Oh. Oh, my god.

998
00:49:37,642 --> 00:49:38,541
You remind me...

999
00:49:38,543 --> 00:49:40,009
Of a girlish Tilda Swinton?

1000
00:49:40,011 --> 00:49:41,243
I get that all the time.

1001
00:49:41,245 --> 00:49:43,646
No, of a rash I picked up
in south America.

1002
00:49:43,648 --> 00:49:45,181
Headache, nausea,
made my skin crawl.

1003
00:49:45,183 --> 00:49:49,385
Sounds like the symptoms of love-sickness.
Maybe I'm growing on you.

1004
00:49:50,221 --> 00:49:52,555
You couldn't grow on me with all
the seeds and soil in the world.

1005
00:49:52,557 --> 00:49:54,490
Eh. Could you
tell Morgan I'm here?

1006
00:49:54,492 --> 00:49:55,458
She's in a meeting.

1007
00:49:55,460 --> 00:49:59,428
Please. We need
to talk about Grady.

1008
00:49:59,696 --> 00:50:04,166
Thanks for staying late, guys.
I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

1009
00:50:05,736 --> 00:50:06,469
Hello.

1010
00:50:06,471 --> 00:50:09,739
Ooh. Caramel macchiato.
Excellent choice.

1011
00:50:09,741 --> 00:50:11,207
Do you want me in on this?

1012
00:50:11,209 --> 00:50:13,509
Actually, yes. I do want the
restraint of a witness present.

1013
00:50:13,511 --> 00:50:16,112
Hmm, I'd prefer
a private sitdown,

1014
00:50:16,114 --> 00:50:19,248
so if you don't mind, Hannah.

1015
00:50:21,718 --> 00:50:23,219
Is he really living with you?

1016
00:50:23,221 --> 00:50:26,322
Yes, he even went
grocery shopping.

1017
00:50:27,191 --> 00:50:28,324
He's fucking unbelievable.

1018
00:50:28,326 --> 00:50:30,559
You want to know what else he's doing?
No. What?

1019
00:50:30,561 --> 00:50:34,163
Hitting on strange girls,
trying to have sex with them.

1020
00:50:34,165 --> 00:50:35,331
Gross, charmless creatures,

1021
00:50:35,333 --> 00:50:38,768
not even in your evolutionary
strain, let alone your league.

1022
00:50:38,770 --> 00:50:40,736
No, he isn't. Yes, he is!

1023
00:50:40,738 --> 00:50:41,637
Okay, relax.

1024
00:50:41,639 --> 00:50:43,506
We went out last night
"muff scouting."

1025
00:50:43,508 --> 00:50:46,375
His despicable words, not mine.
Okay, enough.

1026
00:50:46,377 --> 00:50:49,078
Do you really want
to stay with this man?

1027
00:50:49,080 --> 00:50:50,446
A man who'd use your infidelity

1028
00:50:50,448 --> 00:50:52,248
as nothing more than a...
Okay, will you stop?

1029
00:50:52,250 --> 00:50:54,083
..."Wham, bam, ram another
ma'am for free" card?

1030
00:50:54,085 --> 00:50:55,551
Okay, yeah, enough.
Out. Out, go.

1031
00:50:55,553 --> 00:50:57,420
Step inside my new kind of love!

1032
00:50:57,422 --> 00:51:00,089
Go! Go home to your boyfriend.

1033
00:51:00,091 --> 00:51:02,091
You need weed very badly.

1034
00:51:02,093 --> 00:51:03,559
Auf wiedersehen, loser!

1035
00:51:03,561 --> 00:51:06,295
German? I knew it.

1036
00:51:07,765 --> 00:51:09,799
Where are you going?
I'm going to see Grady.

1037
00:51:09,801 --> 00:51:12,835
I mean, I screwed this up,
but it's his fault, too.

1038
00:51:12,837 --> 00:51:13,769
No, Morgan...

1039
00:51:13,771 --> 00:51:15,271
He can't act like this, okay?

1040
00:51:15,273 --> 00:51:16,705
He should be
fighting for me, for us.

1041
00:51:16,707 --> 00:51:18,607
You would just be
wasting your breath.

1042
00:51:18,609 --> 00:51:20,776
He is a brain-damaged ape.
They all are.

1043
00:51:20,778 --> 00:51:24,847
As soon as they get a head full of
steam, they're impossible to control.

1044
00:51:24,849 --> 00:51:26,649
So, just let him beat
his chest, wag his dick,

1045
00:51:26,651 --> 00:51:31,220
whatever else he needs to do to
start thinking clearly again.

1046
00:51:31,222 --> 00:51:34,757
He will come
crawling back, I promise.

1047
00:51:34,759 --> 00:51:38,194
Now, come on. Worry about you.

1048
00:51:38,196 --> 00:51:40,529
Worry about this pitch.

1049
00:51:41,833 --> 00:51:46,202
I don't pay you enough, do I?
No, you don't.

1050
00:51:46,204 --> 00:51:48,537
Let's remember that.

1051
00:52:00,317 --> 00:52:03,786
There he is. You ready for
round two there, slugger?

1052
00:52:03,788 --> 00:52:06,155
It's ladies' night
at a whiskey bar downtown.

1053
00:52:06,157 --> 00:52:09,258
No, no. My head is still
throbbing from last night.

1054
00:52:09,260 --> 00:52:13,496
That's evidence of an excellent
two-fisted outing. Congrats.

1055
00:52:13,498 --> 00:52:15,231
No, I was hoping
we could stay in,

1056
00:52:15,233 --> 00:52:18,701
you know, put some ice cubes in the
bong shaft for a nice cool smoke,

1057
00:52:18,703 --> 00:52:22,805
order some Thai, maybe hit up
some easy listening on Pandora.

1058
00:52:22,807 --> 00:52:24,373
Come on, buddy, that sounds like

1059
00:52:24,375 --> 00:52:25,774
a fuckin' baby shower
in Portland.

1060
00:52:25,776 --> 00:52:27,276
We're not gonna
get laid like that.

1061
00:52:27,278 --> 00:52:29,478
Let's get a little pre-party buzz
going before the uber arrives.

1062
00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:31,747
Listen, I know you're on
vacation and everything,

1063
00:52:31,749 --> 00:52:33,482
but just because I agreed
to room with you

1064
00:52:33,484 --> 00:52:37,319
doesn't mean that I also agreed
to a nightly rat pack tribute.

1065
00:52:37,321 --> 00:52:39,188
I'm staying in tonight.

1066
00:52:39,190 --> 00:52:40,589
You're gonna do what I say,

1067
00:52:40,591 --> 00:52:42,525
and that is that
we're going out.

1068
00:52:42,527 --> 00:52:44,160
You're not the boss of me.

1069
00:52:44,162 --> 00:52:46,362
"Stopbullying.gov." visit it.

1070
00:52:46,364 --> 00:52:47,763
You know what I've got in here?

1071
00:52:47,765 --> 00:52:49,565
The private number
of every police chief

1072
00:52:49,567 --> 00:52:51,433
and circuit judge in the county.

1073
00:52:51,435 --> 00:52:52,301
Big whoop.

1074
00:52:52,303 --> 00:52:53,669
How do you think
those people would feel

1075
00:52:53,671 --> 00:52:58,507
about your attempt to blackmail
my wife for $15,000?

1076
00:52:58,708 --> 00:53:00,609
Yeah, that's not good for you.

1077
00:53:00,611 --> 00:53:02,611
Here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna get dressed.

1078
00:53:02,613 --> 00:53:07,716
No hoodies, no sneakers, no
disturbingly tight shorts.

1079
00:53:07,718 --> 00:53:11,720
I want my wingman
to look like a real man.

1080
00:53:16,359 --> 00:53:21,864
So I make the mistake
of dressing as sexy gumby

1081
00:53:21,866 --> 00:53:25,401
to my Halloween office party,

1082
00:53:25,403 --> 00:53:26,669
and I'm hiding in this room

1083
00:53:26,671 --> 00:53:33,776
because my drunk, douchey boss is
always wanting to fuck me and stuff.

1084
00:53:33,778 --> 00:53:37,713
So Grady finds me all upset
in the xerox room,

1085
00:53:37,715 --> 00:53:41,584
and he just gives me
this pep talk, you know?

1086
00:53:41,586 --> 00:53:46,522
Like, about quitting my job,
and about opening my own firm,

1087
00:53:46,524 --> 00:53:50,993
and just fucking getting
life by the balls, you know?

1088
00:53:50,995 --> 00:53:56,865
So, five minutes later,
my fucker boss gooses my ass,

1089
00:53:56,867 --> 00:53:59,568
so I pick up
this bowl of hummus,

1090
00:53:59,570 --> 00:54:03,606
and I just smash it over the
fucker's head. Seriously.

1091
00:54:03,608 --> 00:54:06,342
Grady was so great
at the police station.

1092
00:54:06,344 --> 00:54:10,312
I mean, he stood
by my side, he got me off,

1093
00:54:10,314 --> 00:54:14,750
and then, you know,
he got me off.

1094
00:54:15,586 --> 00:54:19,722
And, you know, we've just
been together ever since.

1095
00:54:20,390 --> 00:54:24,426
He asked if you wanted
chicken on your nachos.

1096
00:54:27,964 --> 00:54:30,566
That's not what I heard.

1097
00:54:30,834 --> 00:54:35,404
Oh, Jesus, what is this?
It smells like a dead body.

1098
00:54:35,406 --> 00:54:36,639
Maccoinnich. What?

1099
00:54:36,641 --> 00:54:39,808
Quadruple-distilled. Drink it.

1100
00:54:42,879 --> 00:54:45,047
Oh, my god, it's burning me.

1101
00:54:45,049 --> 00:54:46,749
It's burning everything.

1102
00:54:46,751 --> 00:54:47,650
92% alcohol.

1103
00:54:47,652 --> 00:54:51,754
It's what Scottish priests would drink
whenever they were constipated.

1104
00:54:51,756 --> 00:54:52,955
Here, do another.

1105
00:54:52,957 --> 00:54:54,490
I don't really want
to do another one.

1106
00:54:54,492 --> 00:54:56,759
The second one is better. Is it?

1107
00:54:56,761 --> 00:54:58,594
Do it.

1108
00:54:59,796 --> 00:55:01,730
That actually makes me...

1109
00:55:01,732 --> 00:55:02,965
Oh, my god, it's worse.

1110
00:55:02,967 --> 00:55:07,503
Yeah. It's killing all the
tumors in your throat right now.

1111
00:55:10,407 --> 00:55:11,807
You all right? Yeah.

1112
00:55:11,809 --> 00:55:14,376
Come on. Drink another.

1113
00:55:14,378 --> 00:55:15,644
I mean, we're...

1114
00:55:15,646 --> 00:55:17,980
Down the haggis hole.

1115
00:55:21,485 --> 00:55:23,018
Yeah!

1116
00:55:31,795 --> 00:55:34,630
Hey. You wanna talk?

1117
00:55:39,669 --> 00:55:41,704
Who brought a cat?

1118
00:55:46,509 --> 00:55:47,943
How long was I out?

1119
00:55:47,945 --> 00:55:49,778
About an hour.

1120
00:55:49,780 --> 00:55:51,380
Is it midnight yet?

1121
00:55:51,382 --> 00:55:52,781
No, it's 9:30.

1122
00:55:52,783 --> 00:55:54,983
Come on, keep drinking.

1123
00:56:03,561 --> 00:56:05,527
I believe it was Hemingway
who once wrote,

1124
00:56:05,529 --> 00:56:07,629
"no man is truly
a man till he vomits"

1125
00:56:07,631 --> 00:56:10,966
"behind big Jim's
pancake house."

1126
00:56:19,476 --> 00:56:21,043
Let's go, grandpa,
fuck or fight?

1127
00:56:21,045 --> 00:56:22,711
Those are hurtful words, Jerry.

1128
00:56:22,713 --> 00:56:26,749
You know, I bluffed the da when
I had your charges dropped,

1129
00:56:26,816 --> 00:56:29,084
but I'm not bluffing today.

1130
00:56:29,086 --> 00:56:31,019
Look at that.

1131
00:56:31,021 --> 00:56:32,554
Hey, wait a second.

1132
00:56:32,556 --> 00:56:35,691
Where the fuck is everybody?

1133
00:56:38,428 --> 00:56:39,828
Stensland.

1134
00:56:39,830 --> 00:56:42,097
She's left him.

1135
00:57:02,919 --> 00:57:04,853
Grady, let me in!

1136
00:57:15,098 --> 00:57:15,898
Grady!

1137
00:57:15,900 --> 00:57:19,735
Let me in!
Grady, please let me in!

1138
00:57:20,003 --> 00:57:22,971
I have had more alcohol
than oxygen for a week.

1139
00:57:22,973 --> 00:57:28,477
I can't wait to get home and
slip into my Jimmy-jammies.

1140
00:57:28,479 --> 00:57:32,648
Cabbie, campus and 27th.
Step on it.

1141
00:57:32,650 --> 00:57:35,851
What campus? Campus?

1142
00:57:36,853 --> 00:57:40,556
Stensland! Stensland! Stensland!

1143
00:57:40,558 --> 00:57:44,693
Stensland! Stensland! Stensland!

1144
00:57:51,234 --> 00:57:52,034
Stop it!

1145
00:57:52,036 --> 00:57:55,604
I said, shut up, god damn it!

1146
00:57:57,508 --> 00:57:59,975
What's wrong with you people?

1147
00:57:59,977 --> 00:58:04,146
Has the collegiate experience
become so dull in this country

1148
00:58:04,148 --> 00:58:06,682
that causing irreversible
harm to your bodies

1149
00:58:06,684 --> 00:58:12,254
with this binge drinking is
the only way to have a hoot?

1150
00:58:13,791 --> 00:58:16,158
This isn't fun!

1151
00:58:16,160 --> 00:58:18,193
This is sadomasochism!

1152
00:58:18,195 --> 00:58:22,564
Have you never heard
of board games?

1153
00:58:22,566 --> 00:58:25,834
Scattergories is a laugh riot!

1154
00:58:25,836 --> 00:58:29,505
Whatever happened
to spin the bottle

1155
00:58:29,507 --> 00:58:33,141
and kiss-chasing on the green?

1156
00:58:33,910 --> 00:58:36,678
You're all alcoholics.

1157
00:58:36,680 --> 00:58:40,082
You need to attend meetings!

1158
00:58:40,084 --> 00:58:44,920
Well, screw it,
I'm making a stand!

1159
00:58:44,922 --> 00:58:50,792
Let's put an end to these black
Sabbaths and brain damage!

1160
00:58:50,794 --> 00:58:51,760
Join me and say,

1161
00:58:51,762 --> 00:58:58,267
"we don't have to be party
animals to be cool!"

1162
00:59:06,743 --> 00:59:10,178
Let's make him drink
from the hobo's boot!

1163
00:59:10,180 --> 00:59:11,747
Yeah!

1164
00:59:11,749 --> 00:59:15,651
Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!

1165
00:59:15,653 --> 00:59:18,820
Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!

1166
00:59:18,822 --> 00:59:21,189
Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!

1167
00:59:21,191 --> 00:59:22,024
Hobo's boot!

1168
00:59:22,026 --> 00:59:27,696
Hobo's boot!
Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!

1169
00:59:29,232 --> 00:59:30,999
How did that boot taste, buddy?

1170
00:59:31,001 --> 00:59:33,035
Like homelessness in my mouth.

1171
00:59:33,037 --> 00:59:34,603
Why did you make them refill it?

1172
00:59:34,605 --> 00:59:37,806
We didn't have enough camera
coverage for the YouTube video.

1173
00:59:37,808 --> 00:59:39,975
Hey, it was the hit of the party.
You're gonna be a legend.

1174
00:59:39,977 --> 00:59:44,279
Please tell me you found your
"bang strange" lady tonight.

1175
00:59:44,281 --> 00:59:45,314
I didn't, I didn't,

1176
00:59:45,316 --> 00:59:47,950
but Bacardi's is hosting a
pool party tomorrow night.

1177
00:59:47,952 --> 00:59:50,852
There'll be fur-burgers
grilling all night long.

1178
00:59:50,854 --> 00:59:52,120
Tomorrow? Tomorrow night.

1179
00:59:52,122 --> 00:59:54,022
I don't... Come on. Come
on, watch your head.

1180
00:59:54,024 --> 00:59:57,826
Watch your head, watch your
head, watch your head.

1181
01:00:12,208 --> 01:00:16,111
You know what? We're going
to take a quick detour.

1182
01:00:16,113 --> 01:00:16,912
Uh...

1183
01:00:16,914 --> 01:00:21,683
When you hit this stop sign,
let's go to the right.

1184
01:00:41,171 --> 01:00:43,672
My tummy hurts.

1185
01:00:45,109 --> 01:00:47,876
Uh, we'd better get going.

1186
01:01:11,167 --> 01:01:13,802
Oh, god!

1187
01:01:18,007 --> 01:01:21,076
Uh, we need to turn around.

1188
01:01:21,078 --> 01:01:23,145
He fell out.

1189
01:01:30,053 --> 01:01:32,721
Where did I come from?

1190
01:01:37,293 --> 01:01:39,194
Thank you.

1191
01:01:52,308 --> 01:01:54,009
Stensland?

1192
01:01:55,178 --> 01:01:55,977
Oh...

1193
01:01:55,979 --> 01:01:59,181
Please don't be mean to me right now.
I'm hanging on by a thread.

1194
01:01:59,183 --> 01:02:01,883
What the hell
are you doing here?

1195
01:02:01,885 --> 01:02:03,752
I'm hiding from Grady.

1196
01:02:03,754 --> 01:02:05,754
At soft solutions?

1197
01:02:05,756 --> 01:02:07,289
Yeah. It's my favorite place.

1198
01:02:07,291 --> 01:02:11,727
It's clean, comfortable,
the staff are warm-hearted.

1199
01:02:11,994 --> 01:02:12,828
Stensy!

1200
01:02:12,830 --> 01:02:16,865
Hey, Brandon,
looking svelte, hombre.

1201
01:02:16,999 --> 01:02:19,301
They're so nice to me here.

1202
01:02:19,303 --> 01:02:20,802
Oh, god, you're weird.

1203
01:02:20,804 --> 01:02:22,938
Okay, well,
I'll leave you to it.

1204
01:02:22,940 --> 01:02:24,339
No, no, no, please don't go.

1205
01:02:24,341 --> 01:02:27,209
Come on. We need to talk.
Let's square our beef.

1206
01:02:27,211 --> 01:02:31,513
Come and check out the "casual
refinement" living room set, huh?

1207
01:02:31,515 --> 01:02:34,182
Seriously? Yeah.

1208
01:02:39,255 --> 01:02:40,922
There we go.

1209
01:02:40,924 --> 01:02:43,391
Take a deep breath, relax.

1210
01:02:43,393 --> 01:02:47,362
Let the comfort and
ambiance envelop you.

1211
01:02:47,364 --> 01:02:52,000
So, madam, what brings you
to soft solutions today?

1212
01:02:52,002 --> 01:02:57,005
Are you shopping for a new
home or just browsing?

1213
01:02:57,007 --> 01:02:58,006
None of the above.

1214
01:02:58,008 --> 01:03:00,509
Returning a hideous Moroccan
throw rug for Morgan.

1215
01:03:00,511 --> 01:03:04,479
God damn it. I picked
that out for her.

1216
01:03:04,814 --> 01:03:06,848
You did?

1217
01:03:07,016 --> 01:03:08,250
You met Morgan here?

1218
01:03:08,252 --> 01:03:11,887
Yeah. In decor enrichments.

1219
01:03:11,889 --> 01:03:13,321
God, she was so beautiful.

1220
01:03:13,323 --> 01:03:17,425
I was intimidated, to say the
least, but, I don't know,

1221
01:03:17,427 --> 01:03:23,131
I got brave, we started
talking, and we clicked.

1222
01:03:24,233 --> 01:03:27,202
I just wanted a girlfriend.

1223
01:03:27,303 --> 01:03:28,069
Aw.

1224
01:03:28,071 --> 01:03:32,440
Okay, listen, let me give you a
tip as your search continues.

1225
01:03:32,442 --> 01:03:34,075
Going psycho
and blackmailing a woman

1226
01:03:34,077 --> 01:03:37,546
isn't going to change her mind
about your boyfriend potential.

1227
01:03:37,548 --> 01:03:40,348
That's fair enough. Yeah.

1228
01:03:40,350 --> 01:03:43,518
You know she really
loves Grady, right?

1229
01:03:44,987 --> 01:03:46,388
Yeah, I know.

1230
01:03:46,390 --> 01:03:49,858
God, I can't wait to get
these people out of my life.

1231
01:03:49,860 --> 01:03:51,359
Then kick Grady out. I can't.

1232
01:03:51,361 --> 01:03:54,229
I'm a blackmailer, remember?
He could have me arrested.

1233
01:03:54,231 --> 01:03:56,565
I'm his kunta kinte until
he decides to set me free.

1234
01:03:56,567 --> 01:04:00,235
That's not gonna happen until he
balances the scales with Morgan

1235
01:04:00,237 --> 01:04:01,937
and gets his revenge schtup.

1236
01:04:01,939 --> 01:04:03,471
Okay, so then what are you doing

1237
01:04:03,473 --> 01:04:05,373
to help him on this
ridiculous mission?

1238
01:04:05,375 --> 01:04:07,576
Nothing. I hate going out.

1239
01:04:07,578 --> 01:04:09,444
I'm a total curmudgeon.

1240
01:04:09,446 --> 01:04:10,579
And a whiny little bitch.

1241
01:04:10,581 --> 01:04:12,514
I wear pajama tops and
flip flops to nightclubs.

1242
01:04:12,516 --> 01:04:16,284
You have the social skills of a
truck driver with asperger's.

1243
01:04:16,286 --> 01:04:17,319
I'm a horrible wingman.

1244
01:04:17,321 --> 01:04:20,889
You're like
a colossal cockblocker.

1245
01:04:21,224 --> 01:04:22,891
Oh, my god.

1246
01:04:22,893 --> 01:04:23,525
Hannah.

1247
01:04:23,527 --> 01:04:27,195
I'm the reason Grady hasn't
pulled the dick trigger.

1248
01:04:27,197 --> 01:04:29,598
Good god, you're a genius.

1249
01:04:29,600 --> 01:04:32,901
You're just realizing this now?

1250
01:04:32,903 --> 01:04:37,072
Grady? Where are we
headed tonight?

1251
01:04:37,074 --> 01:04:39,908
I am parched for hootch!

1252
01:04:39,976 --> 01:04:41,076
Dear dumb-ass.

1253
01:04:41,078 --> 01:04:43,411
I have some work
to get done at the office.

1254
01:04:43,413 --> 01:04:44,646
Consider yourself on parole.

1255
01:04:44,648 --> 01:04:48,316
Love,
the motherfucker in charge.

1256
01:04:49,486 --> 01:04:52,921
Not on my watch, kemosabe.

1257
01:05:31,494 --> 01:05:35,096
Yeah, looking good, Stensy.

1258
01:05:39,568 --> 01:05:41,670
Keep the change, baby.

1259
01:05:42,104 --> 01:05:44,272
Get yourself something nice.

1260
01:05:47,311 --> 01:05:49,044
What was that?

1261
01:06:18,375 --> 01:06:19,574
It's checking out time.

1262
01:06:19,576 --> 01:06:21,176
What the fuck
are you doing here?

1263
01:06:21,178 --> 01:06:24,512
Put that shit away. It's Thursday
night, weekend's already started.

1264
01:06:24,514 --> 01:06:26,514
Jesus Christ,
you look like shit.

1265
01:06:26,516 --> 01:06:28,750
Is that my
Rocco Richetti pinstripe?

1266
01:06:28,752 --> 01:06:31,419
Yeah. Fits like a condom, right?

1267
01:06:31,421 --> 01:06:33,254
All I'm saying is ladies' night

1268
01:06:33,256 --> 01:06:35,623
at the Trinity club
is already in progress.

1269
01:06:35,625 --> 01:06:38,760
Three floors of DJs, dancing,
and binge drinking.

1270
01:06:38,762 --> 01:06:42,130
You take all those ingredients,
put 'em in a muffin pan,

1271
01:06:42,132 --> 01:06:43,465
when they come out of the oven,

1272
01:06:43,467 --> 01:06:45,233
they're hot, sweaty,
and destined for regret.

1273
01:06:45,235 --> 01:06:49,070
Come on. Are we gonna settle
the score with Morgan or what?

1274
01:06:49,072 --> 01:06:53,108
Let's finish
what you fuckin' started.

1275
01:06:56,412 --> 01:06:59,280
You know what? You're right.

1276
01:06:59,282 --> 01:07:02,217
Fuck it. Let's do it.

1277
01:07:06,490 --> 01:07:09,324
Who is the ringleader? You're up!
You're up. You're up.

1278
01:07:09,326 --> 01:07:13,628
Who is the ringleader? You're up!
You're up! You're up!

1279
01:07:13,630 --> 01:07:17,232
Who is the ringleader? You're...

1280
01:07:17,767 --> 01:07:19,534
Wow. You guys live here? Yeah.

1281
01:07:19,536 --> 01:07:23,471
We've stripped away all the snobbery
of modern trendy furnishing

1282
01:07:23,473 --> 01:07:28,376
to create a streamlined
hidey-hole of purified partying.

1283
01:07:28,378 --> 01:07:30,311
We call it "beatnik chic."

1284
01:07:30,313 --> 01:07:31,746
Works for me. Cool.

1285
01:07:31,748 --> 01:07:34,049
Tequila! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

1286
01:07:34,051 --> 01:07:36,718
Fuck. I lasso
doublemint twins for us,

1287
01:07:36,720 --> 01:07:38,520
and you sit here like
a gassy infant? Come on!

1288
01:07:38,522 --> 01:07:41,623
What the fuck happened to you?
Burns so good, baby.

1289
01:07:41,625 --> 01:07:42,624
Ai! Yi-yi-yi-yi!

1290
01:07:42,626 --> 01:07:45,527
Was that a middle eastern war cry?
That was.

1291
01:07:45,529 --> 01:07:47,462
Where did that come from?
I don't know.

1292
01:07:47,464 --> 01:07:48,797
You get up off of your vagina.

1293
01:07:48,799 --> 01:07:51,232
You're embarrassing
yourself. Come on.

1294
01:07:51,234 --> 01:07:52,167
Fuck.

1295
01:07:52,169 --> 01:07:53,535
The next one's
for you, handsome.

1296
01:07:53,537 --> 01:07:55,637
Remember what we're doing here.

1297
01:07:55,639 --> 01:07:56,504
Thank you.

1298
01:07:56,506 --> 01:07:58,573
Are we too cray-cray
for you, Grady?

1299
01:07:58,575 --> 01:07:59,574
Yes.

1300
01:07:59,576 --> 01:08:01,209
You'll have to excuse my friend.

1301
01:08:01,211 --> 01:08:03,812
He gets bashful
around beautiful women.

1302
01:08:03,814 --> 01:08:05,447
Aw! Aw!

1303
01:08:05,449 --> 01:08:07,282
We need music. Yes!

1304
01:08:07,284 --> 01:08:10,518
Whoa... cool! Records,
just like my Nana's house.

1305
01:08:10,520 --> 01:08:13,755
The next shots are gonna
come out of my navel, boys.

1306
01:08:13,757 --> 01:08:17,292
Here, help me up, Stensy.
Ooh. Yeah.

1307
01:08:17,359 --> 01:08:20,495
I got it. Billy ocean!

1308
01:08:20,863 --> 01:08:22,097
Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

1309
01:08:22,099 --> 01:08:26,301
You know, I don't think Billy
ocean is such a good idea.

1310
01:08:26,303 --> 01:08:27,469
Who's Billy ocean?

1311
01:08:27,471 --> 01:08:28,803
What's your problem
with Billy ocean?

1312
01:08:28,805 --> 01:08:32,173
I... I just react
strangely to his music, okay?

1313
01:08:32,175 --> 01:08:34,375
I just... I just have
an emotional relationship.

1314
01:08:34,377 --> 01:08:38,513
There's a lot of history there, okay?
So, don't put it on.

1315
01:08:38,515 --> 01:08:40,115
Hmm. You hear that, girls?

1316
01:08:40,117 --> 01:08:43,651
Stensland reacts strangely
to Billy ocean's music.

1317
01:08:43,653 --> 01:08:45,687
No, no, no, elaborate.

1318
01:08:45,689 --> 01:08:48,256
No, I don't really...
Come on! Please?

1319
01:08:48,258 --> 01:08:50,258
- No, no, no, because...
- Stensy...

1320
01:08:50,260 --> 01:08:51,526
Fine, fine, okay. It's...

1321
01:08:51,528 --> 01:08:57,632
It's kind of sappy, but, uh,
it's genuine stensland.

1322
01:08:57,634 --> 01:08:58,700
All right.

1323
01:08:58,702 --> 01:09:01,236
Amber Mcginnitty
was the prettiest

1324
01:09:01,238 --> 01:09:03,238
12-year-old in
the history of 12-year-olds.

1325
01:09:03,240 --> 01:09:08,176
She loved Billy ocean, and I
loved her, so I studied him.

1326
01:09:08,178 --> 01:09:13,515
He was everything I wasn't. Suave,
soulful, fashionable, black.

1327
01:09:13,517 --> 01:09:16,551
My mother made me a little
white suit just like Billy's.

1328
01:09:16,553 --> 01:09:23,324
I put it on, locked myself in my
bedroom, and danced to his jams.

1329
01:09:24,160 --> 01:09:28,596
And then I'd cry
and feel sorry for myself.

1330
01:09:28,664 --> 01:09:29,764
Oh...

1331
01:09:29,766 --> 01:09:30,498
Aw...

1332
01:09:30,500 --> 01:09:33,201
So, anytime I hear
the sounds of the ocean now,

1333
01:09:33,203 --> 01:09:37,739
it just puts me in mind
of Amber Mcginnitty.

1334
01:09:37,741 --> 01:09:38,873
Well, did you ask her out?

1335
01:09:38,875 --> 01:09:41,676
Yes, to the tropical para-dance.

1336
01:09:41,678 --> 01:09:44,245
And she said yes?

1337
01:09:48,384 --> 01:09:49,417
Oh! Oh...

1338
01:09:49,419 --> 01:09:50,785
Oh... ooh.

1339
01:09:50,787 --> 01:09:52,820
Oh, Stensy... Oh, that's nice.

1340
01:09:52,822 --> 01:09:56,591
Hey. Hey, hey. I would
hug you, too, but, um...

1341
01:09:56,593 --> 01:09:59,561
I've got a beverage
in my bellybutton.

1342
01:09:59,563 --> 01:10:02,330
Come on. Come on.

1343
01:10:02,332 --> 01:10:04,299
Um...

1344
01:10:04,733 --> 01:10:06,634
Suck me.

1345
01:10:06,835 --> 01:10:09,571
Do it. Suck her.

1346
01:10:21,418 --> 01:10:22,784
Go, Stensy!

1347
01:10:37,399 --> 01:10:39,801
Yeah, Stensy! Whoo!

1348
01:10:44,840 --> 01:10:46,007
Whoo!

1349
01:10:47,577 --> 01:10:50,845
Whoo!

1350
01:11:32,822 --> 01:11:34,822
Fucking slut.

1351
01:11:36,293 --> 01:11:37,292
What?

1352
01:11:37,294 --> 01:11:41,629
I'm sorry.
Samantha is a fucking slut.

1353
01:11:41,631 --> 01:11:43,998
You're nice, stensland.
It's just...

1354
01:11:44,000 --> 01:11:46,634
I kind of had
my heart set on Grady,

1355
01:11:46,636 --> 01:11:48,803
and fucking bitch
Samantha does it again!

1356
01:11:48,805 --> 01:11:52,307
She just sluts it up so early
that they can't even choose

1357
01:11:52,309 --> 01:11:53,574
when it comes
time to pick rooms,

1358
01:11:53,576 --> 01:11:55,743
and then I just always get
stuck with the, you know...

1359
01:11:55,745 --> 01:11:57,879
With the what?

1360
01:11:57,946 --> 01:11:59,480
With the dorky one?

1361
01:11:59,482 --> 01:12:04,052
With the pale and waifish pity case?
The goat boy?

1362
01:12:04,054 --> 01:12:10,325
The sad sack who only watches
programming intended for teen girls?

1363
01:12:14,963 --> 01:12:17,365
I'm sorry.

1364
01:12:19,868 --> 01:12:24,806
Oh, my god! This bathroom
is disgusting!

1365
01:12:48,097 --> 01:12:48,896
What?

1366
01:12:48,898 --> 01:12:51,532
Well, I did it last night.

1367
01:12:51,534 --> 01:12:52,633
You did what last night?

1368
01:12:52,635 --> 01:12:57,505
She was young
and quite gorgeous.

1369
01:12:58,073 --> 01:13:01,909
So, how's it feel?

1370
01:13:06,015 --> 01:13:08,383
It feels awful.

1371
01:13:09,385 --> 01:13:11,686
Is there anything else?

1372
01:13:12,821 --> 01:13:14,555
No.

1373
01:13:14,557 --> 01:13:17,925
I've got nothing else to say.

1374
01:13:18,861 --> 01:13:22,964
Well, then goodbye, Grady.

1375
01:13:23,031 --> 01:13:24,966
Goodbye.

1376
01:13:30,773 --> 01:13:32,940
Oh, hey.

1377
01:13:34,076 --> 01:13:36,844
Sorry about last night.

1378
01:13:37,546 --> 01:13:39,147
Yeah.

1379
01:13:39,149 --> 01:13:41,416
Whatever.

1380
01:14:03,172 --> 01:14:04,739
Hey, stensland.

1381
01:14:04,741 --> 01:14:06,908
Good morning, Michael.

1382
01:14:09,611 --> 01:14:11,813
Thank you. Okay.

1383
01:14:22,758 --> 01:14:24,692
Excuse me, can you help me?

1384
01:14:24,694 --> 01:14:28,663
I'm sorry,
I don't actually work here.

1385
01:14:29,031 --> 01:14:32,166
Are you Billy ocean?

1386
01:14:32,168 --> 01:14:34,068
Feelin' pretty blue,
huh, Stensy?

1387
01:14:34,070 --> 01:14:39,173
Deep blue, Billy.
I fucked up, big style.

1388
01:14:39,175 --> 01:14:40,708
You sure did, my pale friend.

1389
01:14:40,710 --> 01:14:46,747
I indulged Grady's penis when it
was his heart that needed a hand.

1390
01:14:46,749 --> 01:14:49,951
Ah, this beach party
ain't over, Stensy.

1391
01:14:49,953 --> 01:14:51,052
It runs on island time.

1392
01:14:51,054 --> 01:14:54,489
What's track number six
off of love zone?

1393
01:14:54,491 --> 01:14:56,657
Track number six...

1394
01:14:56,792 --> 01:14:59,160
It's never too late to try.

1395
01:14:59,162 --> 01:15:01,162
Slip on a new pair
of boat shoes.

1396
01:15:01,164 --> 01:15:03,164
The world needs
your help, Stensy.

1397
01:15:03,166 --> 01:15:05,233
In fact, I need
your help right now.

1398
01:15:05,235 --> 01:15:06,234
You do? I do.

1399
01:15:06,236 --> 01:15:11,539
Where can I find me a love
seat impervious to cat pee?

1400
01:15:11,974 --> 01:15:13,140
What?

1401
01:15:13,142 --> 01:15:14,742
Do you know, young man?

1402
01:15:14,744 --> 01:15:17,879
I... wait, where did
your breezy suit go?

1403
01:15:17,881 --> 01:15:19,614
You're not Billy ocean.

1404
01:15:19,616 --> 01:15:21,115
Breezy suit? Focus, son.

1405
01:15:21,117 --> 01:15:23,251
I'm looking for a love seat
that won't stain

1406
01:15:23,253 --> 01:15:27,588
when my wife's crazy cat
takes a whizz on it.

1407
01:15:27,689 --> 01:15:28,856
Oh.

1408
01:15:28,858 --> 01:15:30,124
Yeah, uh, of course.

1409
01:15:30,126 --> 01:15:32,293
Well, the "home sweet home"
collection

1410
01:15:32,295 --> 01:15:35,630
has an optional
stain-resistant fabric.

1411
01:15:35,632 --> 01:15:36,564
Excellent.

1412
01:15:36,566 --> 01:15:37,798
Come right this way, sir.

1413
01:15:37,800 --> 01:15:40,601
Now, this textile has
the look and feel of cotton,

1414
01:15:40,603 --> 01:15:43,170
but totally kicks
blemishes to the curb.

1415
01:15:43,172 --> 01:15:47,008
Perfect. Does it
come in tropical print?

1416
01:15:47,309 --> 01:15:48,709
Morgan! Oh, jeez.

1417
01:15:48,711 --> 01:15:52,079
Did you eat all the bismarcks? There's
not gonna be enough for the clients.

1418
01:15:52,081 --> 01:15:55,850
I'm sorry. I'm a little
upside down right now.

1419
01:15:55,852 --> 01:16:00,221
Oh, Grady. Grady finally got
his revenge last night.

1420
01:16:00,223 --> 01:16:01,856
He what?

1421
01:16:01,858 --> 01:16:02,990
Oh...

1422
01:16:02,992 --> 01:16:04,025
Yep.

1423
01:16:04,027 --> 01:16:05,226
Who was it? I don't know,

1424
01:16:05,228 --> 01:16:08,663
but up in here, she looks like
Jessica rabbit, only sexier.

1425
01:16:08,665 --> 01:16:12,567
I'm sorry. You can't be
that surprised.

1426
01:16:12,569 --> 01:16:14,335
No, you're right, I'm not.

1427
01:16:14,337 --> 01:16:16,203
Can we look on the bright side?

1428
01:16:16,205 --> 01:16:17,238
We have more donuts?

1429
01:16:17,240 --> 01:16:20,107
No. Now,
in Grady's stubborn mind,

1430
01:16:20,109 --> 01:16:21,742
the scales have
finally been balanced.

1431
01:16:21,744 --> 01:16:23,811
He's shot his spiteful wad,
and we both know

1432
01:16:23,813 --> 01:16:27,181
what happens to guys
after they blow their load.

1433
01:16:27,183 --> 01:16:28,049
They get real.

1434
01:16:28,051 --> 01:16:29,650
It's too late
to get real, Hannah.

1435
01:16:29,652 --> 01:16:33,654
I mean, it is over. It is over
like smoking on planes is over.

1436
01:16:33,656 --> 01:16:36,324
I'm telling you, if he was
to walk in here right now

1437
01:16:36,326 --> 01:16:37,758
and get down on his knees

1438
01:16:37,760 --> 01:16:40,628
with the hope diamond,
I would not take him back.

1439
01:16:40,630 --> 01:16:42,063
Fuck him.

1440
01:16:42,065 --> 01:16:46,834
Fuck him and his...
His dreamy blue eyes.

1441
01:16:46,836 --> 01:16:51,606
Oh, god, I hope Judy in
accounting has mini-snickers.

1442
01:16:56,778 --> 01:16:58,646
Oh, hello there.

1443
01:16:58,648 --> 01:17:03,718
Just wanted to pay you
in advance for the kid's rent.

1444
01:17:03,720 --> 01:17:05,853
Just a couple of months.

1445
01:17:07,956 --> 01:17:09,890
Stensland.

1446
01:17:09,892 --> 01:17:11,792
Thank you.

1447
01:17:17,899 --> 01:17:20,201
Hey. You got a job?

1448
01:17:20,203 --> 01:17:23,971
Yeah, my new grindstone.

1449
01:17:24,272 --> 01:17:26,140
Well, you look sharp.

1450
01:17:26,142 --> 01:17:29,644
Thanks. Congratulations.

1451
01:17:29,811 --> 01:17:30,845
Where are you going?

1452
01:17:30,847 --> 01:17:34,715
Ah, get some work done, then
check into the four seasons.

1453
01:17:34,717 --> 01:17:37,251
I tormented you long enough.

1454
01:17:39,721 --> 01:17:42,890
You slept with Samantha,
I assume?

1455
01:17:45,060 --> 01:17:48,929
No, I didn't. I couldn't.

1456
01:17:51,334 --> 01:17:54,235
Well, you know,

1457
01:17:54,302 --> 01:17:56,837
the heart pumps blood
into the penis,

1458
01:17:56,839 --> 01:17:58,205
but when that heart is broken...

1459
01:17:58,207 --> 01:18:01,375
Oh, god, give me a break.
...The penis...

1460
01:18:01,377 --> 01:18:04,145
My penis wasn't the problem,
dumb-ass.

1461
01:18:04,147 --> 01:18:06,247
And if you're so smart
about this stuff,

1462
01:18:06,249 --> 01:18:08,783
why did she fuck around
on me to begin with?

1463
01:18:08,785 --> 01:18:10,251
With you! I don't know.

1464
01:18:10,253 --> 01:18:14,422
Isn't marriage supposedly
harder than pole vaulting?

1465
01:18:14,424 --> 01:18:18,392
My parents lasted for four
years and threw in the sponge.

1466
01:18:18,394 --> 01:18:21,128
You and Morgan prevailed for 15.

1467
01:18:21,130 --> 01:18:22,697
But after 15 years of anything,

1468
01:18:22,699 --> 01:18:25,733
even something good is bound
to Fritz a little, right?

1469
01:18:25,735 --> 01:18:29,136
I don't know if it's been good
for a long time, stensland.

1470
01:18:29,138 --> 01:18:31,272
Whose fault is that,
do you think?

1471
01:18:31,274 --> 01:18:35,076
I'm sorry, but why don't
you just go home?

1472
01:18:35,078 --> 01:18:35,943
To Morgan.

1473
01:18:35,945 --> 01:18:38,713
You know she's sorry!
You are too!

1474
01:18:38,715 --> 01:18:41,782
Because everything
has changed, that's why.

1475
01:18:41,784 --> 01:18:44,452
No, look, your love
has just been tested.

1476
01:18:44,454 --> 01:18:46,087
Like Aladdin in
the cave of wonders,

1477
01:18:46,089 --> 01:18:51,225
or when wonka's golden ticket-holders
got everlasting gobstoppers.

1478
01:18:51,227 --> 01:18:53,794
You passed the test, Grady.

1479
01:18:53,796 --> 01:18:55,229
You still love each other!

1480
01:18:55,231 --> 01:18:58,032
Sometimes, you have
to lose somebody completely

1481
01:18:58,034 --> 01:19:02,269
before you can figure out
what they really mean to you.

1482
01:19:02,271 --> 01:19:05,973
Why don't you go
and tell her that?

1483
01:19:06,274 --> 01:19:10,778
I appreciate you caring.
It's not that simple.

1484
01:19:10,780 --> 01:19:12,513
Goodbye, stensland.

1485
01:19:12,848 --> 01:19:15,282
Your butch ego
is getting in the way

1486
01:19:15,284 --> 01:19:18,352
of your happiness, you asshole!

1487
01:19:18,354 --> 01:19:20,821
You're really not going to her?

1488
01:19:20,823 --> 01:19:24,225
No, I am not going to her.

1489
01:19:24,227 --> 01:19:28,829
Okay. Well... I am.

1490
01:19:28,831 --> 01:19:32,800
You wanna know why she cheated on you?
The truth?

1491
01:19:32,802 --> 01:19:33,968
It's because of me.

1492
01:19:33,970 --> 01:19:36,337
I'm the romantic
and sensitive type of man

1493
01:19:36,339 --> 01:19:38,172
Morgan knows
she should've married.

1494
01:19:38,174 --> 01:19:41,208
All I had to do was pay her
one gooey compliment,

1495
01:19:41,210 --> 01:19:44,912
and those waterlogged
panties hit the floor.

1496
01:19:44,914 --> 01:19:46,447
Ker-splash.

1497
01:19:46,449 --> 01:19:48,115
Your wife is the finest piece

1498
01:19:48,117 --> 01:19:50,117
of ass and boobs
I've ever tasted,

1499
01:19:50,119 --> 01:19:53,420
and I'm going right back
to her office, right now

1500
01:19:53,422 --> 01:19:55,356
to get me some more!

1501
01:19:55,358 --> 01:19:57,124
Son of a bitch. Stensland!

1502
01:19:57,126 --> 01:20:01,262
My tongue is gonna be in her
vagina so long, it'll pickle!

1503
01:20:01,264 --> 01:20:03,264
I'm gonna make her go...

1504
01:20:06,234 --> 01:20:07,401
All over again!

1505
01:20:07,403 --> 01:20:10,037
Come on.
I'm gonna fucking kill you.

1506
01:20:10,039 --> 01:20:11,372
You don't deserve her! I do!

1507
01:20:11,374 --> 01:20:14,909
I'm gonna bury you, dig you
up, and kill you again!

1508
01:20:14,911 --> 01:20:16,544
I'm killing you.

1509
01:20:16,546 --> 01:20:18,846
Hey, girls.

1510
01:20:19,181 --> 01:20:20,347
Sorry.

1511
01:20:20,349 --> 01:20:22,983
I owe you one.
No problem, sweetheart.

1512
01:20:22,985 --> 01:20:25,820
Stensland, you little prick!

1513
01:20:26,188 --> 01:20:27,121
Ooh.

1514
01:20:27,123 --> 01:20:28,155
Must be the husband.

1515
01:20:28,157 --> 01:20:30,991
I guess so.
Mm-hmm. I'd tap that.

1516
01:20:36,999 --> 01:20:39,200
Not now, muumuu!

1517
01:20:40,302 --> 01:20:42,236
Stensland!

1518
01:20:46,341 --> 01:20:47,942
Ooh!

1519
01:21:00,856 --> 01:21:03,591
Stay! Stay! Stay!

1520
01:21:03,593 --> 01:21:05,025
Stay! Stay, stay!

1521
01:21:05,027 --> 01:21:08,362
What the... those are
$2,000 pants, asshole!

1522
01:21:08,364 --> 01:21:09,997
Morgan needs a fresh young buck,

1523
01:21:09,999 --> 01:21:12,566
not a bitter old Nelly!
Fuck you!

1524
01:21:12,568 --> 01:21:14,468
Son of a bitch.

1525
01:21:18,073 --> 01:21:19,640
What the hell do you want?

1526
01:21:19,642 --> 01:21:22,109
Stensland!

1527
01:21:23,211 --> 01:21:25,246
Hey! Hey!

1528
01:21:25,248 --> 01:21:28,282
Come back here, you little shit!

1529
01:21:35,156 --> 01:21:37,057
Son of a bitch!

1530
01:21:39,995 --> 01:21:42,429
Where the fuck...

1531
01:21:43,131 --> 01:21:44,331
Counselor? Tiny!

1532
01:21:44,333 --> 01:21:45,966
Carrot-top,
half-pants, which way?

1533
01:21:45,968 --> 01:21:48,168
Through the house. Want a knife?

1534
01:21:48,170 --> 01:21:49,503
No, I'm good. Thanks, tiny.

1535
01:21:49,505 --> 01:21:53,340
Re-draw hearing Tuesday! Judge's chambers!
Don't be late!

1536
01:21:53,342 --> 01:21:56,343
That's my lawyer.

1537
01:22:01,216 --> 01:22:04,051
I'm gonna put my Willy in her!

1538
01:22:04,053 --> 01:22:06,086
Son of a bitch!

1539
01:22:08,690 --> 01:22:10,357
Fuck you!

1540
01:22:10,359 --> 01:22:11,992
Die, fucker.

1541
01:22:11,994 --> 01:22:14,228
Taxi! Sorry.

1542
01:22:20,435 --> 01:22:23,938
So, where to, gentlemen?

1543
01:22:28,343 --> 01:22:30,010
Okay.

1544
01:22:32,415 --> 01:22:35,549
Going up, in her vagina.
You little bitch.

1545
01:22:37,386 --> 01:22:38,953
So, what impact does traditional

1546
01:22:38,955 --> 01:22:41,055
earned media have
in the marketplace?

1547
01:22:41,057 --> 01:22:42,222
Well, I'm going to tell you.

1548
01:22:42,224 --> 01:22:44,992
Oh, shit.

1549
01:22:44,994 --> 01:22:47,161
Call the paramedics!

1550
01:22:47,996 --> 01:22:50,297
Now you're going to get
the ass-kicking you deserve.

1551
01:22:50,299 --> 01:22:52,199
Could you just free my windpipe?

1552
01:22:52,201 --> 01:22:54,501
No. I'm getting an erection.

1553
01:22:54,503 --> 01:22:56,303
Call security, please.

1554
01:22:56,305 --> 01:23:00,074
I'm really sorry,
everyone. Um...

1555
01:23:00,141 --> 01:23:01,475
I apologize.

1556
01:23:01,477 --> 01:23:07,548
We are going to have to reschedule this.
I'm so sorry.

1557
01:23:07,983 --> 01:23:08,582
So...

1558
01:23:08,584 --> 01:23:13,354
Okay, folks. I'll call you
tomorrow to reschedule. Thank you.

1559
01:23:14,122 --> 01:23:18,359
Sorry. The pitch
was blown anyway.

1560
01:23:19,427 --> 01:23:21,729
Thank you. Grady.

1561
01:23:22,197 --> 01:23:23,697
Hannah.

1562
01:23:23,699 --> 01:23:27,368
Four weeks, I've been working
on that presentation.

1563
01:23:27,370 --> 01:23:30,604
Morgan, he's come to apologize.

1564
01:23:30,606 --> 01:23:35,175
Wait, hang on.
Yes, you did, Grady.

1565
01:23:36,711 --> 01:23:38,212
Morgan,

1566
01:23:38,214 --> 01:23:39,446
you should've seen
how he reacted

1567
01:23:39,448 --> 01:23:42,549
when I told him I was coming
here to fuck you again.

1568
01:23:42,551 --> 01:23:47,054
He was transformed
into a violent love werewolf.

1569
01:23:47,056 --> 01:23:49,490
Cursed not by the bite
of another love wolf,

1570
01:23:49,492 --> 01:23:56,397
but by his ferocious, undying
love for you, his luminous bride.

1571
01:23:56,399 --> 01:23:58,332
This romance has teeth, people.

1572
01:23:58,334 --> 01:24:04,738
Your saga puts me in mind of
Napoleon and Josephine in many ways.

1573
01:24:04,806 --> 01:24:07,074
Despite adultery and...
Stensland.

1574
01:24:07,076 --> 01:24:09,410
Yeah? Oh.

1575
01:24:15,150 --> 01:24:17,418
Come on, Grady.

1576
01:24:21,790 --> 01:24:23,390
We wouldn't have
burst in like this

1577
01:24:23,392 --> 01:24:26,093
if I'd known that, you
know, the pitch was today.

1578
01:24:26,095 --> 01:24:29,163
Oh, but how would you have
known about this pitch?

1579
01:24:29,165 --> 01:24:31,365
It didn't involve you.

1580
01:24:31,599 --> 01:24:32,599
It doesn't matter.

1581
01:24:32,601 --> 01:24:36,103
Hannah's right. It was
screwed from the beginning.

1582
01:24:36,105 --> 01:24:36,737
Really?

1583
01:24:36,739 --> 01:24:39,406
But you're the best powerpoint
player in the game.

1584
01:24:39,408 --> 01:24:40,541
Yeah, well, you know what?

1585
01:24:40,543 --> 01:24:42,242
Not on the day that
my husband calls me

1586
01:24:42,244 --> 01:24:44,478
to tell me he screwed
someone else.

1587
01:24:45,747 --> 01:24:47,381
Right.

1588
01:24:47,682 --> 01:24:49,483
He's gonna fuck this up.

1589
01:24:49,485 --> 01:24:50,417
No, he won't.

1590
01:24:50,419 --> 01:24:53,320
Come on, Grady,
give her the straight shit.

1591
01:24:53,322 --> 01:24:56,090
Listen, Morgan, I, uh...

1592
01:24:56,691 --> 01:24:58,392
I lied about that.

1593
01:24:58,394 --> 01:25:01,195
I didn't sleep with anybody.

1594
01:25:01,197 --> 01:25:04,531
I tried, but I didn't.

1595
01:25:04,632 --> 01:25:05,466
Why not?

1596
01:25:05,468 --> 01:25:09,536
Because I couldn't stop
thinking about you.

1597
01:25:10,505 --> 01:25:12,573
And about us.

1598
01:25:13,475 --> 01:25:15,409
That's good.

1599
01:25:16,644 --> 01:25:20,347
I owe you an apology,
and I get that now.

1600
01:25:20,349 --> 01:25:21,448
Grady, what do you get?

1601
01:25:21,450 --> 01:25:25,419
That I'm the one that
screwed up our marriage.

1602
01:25:25,421 --> 01:25:29,423
I neglected you,
and I abandoned us.

1603
01:25:29,425 --> 01:25:33,127
And your firm took off,
and my career took off...

1604
01:25:33,129 --> 01:25:37,431
I tried. I was trying
so hard, Grady.

1605
01:25:37,433 --> 01:25:38,332
I know you did.

1606
01:25:38,334 --> 01:25:41,602
I saw it. But I was stupid,
and I was lazy,

1607
01:25:41,604 --> 01:25:46,573
and I took you, the only woman
I've ever been in love with,

1608
01:25:46,575 --> 01:25:50,544
I took you for granted,
just like a...

1609
01:25:50,546 --> 01:25:52,880
An asshole.

1610
01:25:53,448 --> 01:25:55,682
And I'm sorry, Morgan.

1611
01:25:56,317 --> 01:25:58,585
But assholes can learn.

1612
01:25:58,587 --> 01:26:03,724
And I think, in a positive
way, our love has been tested.

1613
01:26:03,726 --> 01:26:08,695
Not unlike Aladdin
in the thunder cave,

1614
01:26:08,697 --> 01:26:14,568
or even Willy Wonka
when he was giving food away

1615
01:26:14,570 --> 01:26:16,503
to the homeless. What?

1616
01:26:16,505 --> 01:26:19,706
He's getting Wonka all wrong.

1617
01:26:21,609 --> 01:26:25,812
Oh, Grady. I'm sorry, too.

1618
01:26:28,683 --> 01:26:30,584
Look, I do know one thing.

1619
01:26:30,586 --> 01:26:34,488
Sometimes you have to
completely lose somebody

1620
01:26:34,490 --> 01:26:39,359
before you can really appreciate
what they mean to you.

1621
01:26:42,330 --> 01:26:44,231
Fucker.

1622
01:26:44,233 --> 01:26:47,234
I'm almost impressed right now.
Oh, don't be.

1623
01:26:47,236 --> 01:26:49,803
Grady subconsciously knew
what I was doing.

1624
01:26:49,805 --> 01:26:50,904
You think? Yeah.

1625
01:26:50,906 --> 01:26:53,207
He's too mule-headed
to come see her on his own,

1626
01:26:53,209 --> 01:26:55,342
so I just gave him an
excuse rooted in an emotion

1627
01:26:55,344 --> 01:26:59,780
he's comfortable expressing.
Blind, vengeful fury.

1628
01:26:59,782 --> 01:27:00,547
Hmm.

1629
01:27:00,549 --> 01:27:03,850
On second thought, that is pretty
impressive. Admire me accordingly.

1630
01:27:09,491 --> 01:27:14,795
Well, as Mary Poppins and a
paraphrased Jesus once said,

1631
01:27:15,296 --> 01:27:17,698
"my work here is done."

1632
01:27:18,600 --> 01:27:20,667
Goodbye, Hannah.

1633
01:27:21,402 --> 01:27:21,969
Bye.

1634
01:27:21,971 --> 01:27:24,905
You're welcome. What?

1635
01:27:34,816 --> 01:27:36,316
Hey!

1636
01:27:36,318 --> 01:27:36,883
Oh.

1637
01:27:36,885 --> 01:27:38,752
We wanted to thank him.

1638
01:27:38,754 --> 01:27:40,520
Yeah, well, it'll have to wait.

1639
01:27:40,522 --> 01:27:44,691
He's on to his next adventure.
Or whatever.

1640
01:27:44,693 --> 01:27:49,830
He seems different somehow.
Like, I don't know.

1641
01:27:49,832 --> 01:27:52,299
Like a big, beautiful condor

1642
01:27:52,301 --> 01:27:55,769
that people will
respect and fear.

1643
01:27:55,771 --> 01:28:00,307
"I can't believe that used to
be stensland," they'll say.

1644
01:28:00,309 --> 01:28:04,745
"I can't believe that
used to be stensland."

1645
01:32:55,603 --> 01:32:57,237
That is delightful and witty.

1646
01:32:57,239 --> 01:32:59,306
I know.