Naruto: unexpectedly bloatsome Gaiden

See, many decades ago I decided to use my scrap metal powers to build a small army of magitech midgets. It started out as a joke. Then I thought hey, Marvel's telekinesis scales with the rarity of the thing right? Cyborg midgets are fucking rare. And then I realised having a compact automaton with subspace capabilities (jerryrigged Poketech tweaked with some Latverian mods) is actually a pretty useful channel for Lyrium, Wakfu, alchemy circle-drawing nanites etc. And then Fate happened-

-and THEN, I was told on /a/ that one of the Otsutsuki clan's signature techniques was making legions of super-puppets.

The bottom line is: I'm pretty sure my major contribution to Konoha's founding was unleashing thousands of creepy Shinto demon-themed killer garden gnomes on the other clans. The Kage politely but firmly asked me to never speak of this incident again, especially not the other clans. In fact mostly only Orochi dared talk to me as a confidante, because after showing him the Geneforge and the Hypnos Gene he thought he finally knew what it took to get all the bloodline techniques.

Other than them, the other Sannin were almost my only friends. For my sins. Jiraiya at least shared my taste in ninja porn, and we coauthored one issue anonymously that one time (I came up with the plot, he did most of the actual drawing and writing). Tsunade got very, very good at taijutsu because I was the handiest, but-she was also the first to notice when I wasn't being a drunken loon, I kept staring blankly into the distance. Even before the war. So sometimes, she'd just keep me company (at arm's length, she wasn't a fool) silently when I'd have one of my...reminscences. There was one other guy I could tolerate on most days: Another hothead and social pariah called Might Guy. Who would later become the first man brave and desperate enough to try Orochimaru's first attempts at gene therapy.

But there was still only one guy I ever really talked much about the important stuff with.

>"Oi, you're wrong you know. It's a fruit salad"
>"Do stand still while I examine your blood. What on earth are you talking about?"
>"Uh, the key to world peace through power? You know, that thing you keep yammering on about? You gotta eat one specific fruit, then you become the God-Monarch of Bunnykind, then you have the strength to stop people squabbling"
>"It can't be that simple! All this struggle, the new sciences you've showed me-you're seriously telling me a SALAD holds all the answers?"
>"Fine. Here, I found this in a nearby dimension. It's your ticket to apotheosis. Tastes like raspberries. I hate raspberries"
>"...don't you want it?"
>"Oh, Orochi. Why do you think I spend all my time getting drunk, training, stealing other clans' shark swords, training, diving under the sea to train with mantis shrimps, training terrorising girls, training, getting punched through roofs by Tsunade and training when I know all this? This isn't my first lifetime. This isn't even my first war. The world doesn't care if there's a God or not. It'll chew you up and spit you out all the same. None of those fuckers get it. But you're alright. So seriously, bro-you wanna try and prove me wrong? You wanna use what I got to make sure what I did in this war never has to be done again?"
>"You have my fuckin' blessing"

Even back then, Orochi didn't like to show weakness but-there was a gleam in his eye that day, even as the rest of him sagged. And I went drinking again.

I hung around the town like a bad omen, but I'd go wandering off from time to time. I never really talked about that day with Orochi, but-we actually stayed pretty tight, especially when I was more than happy to give him tips on how to hide his new features. He became a world-famous miracle physician who saved thousands of lives with his medicines (and also his Cursed Seal of Heavenly Bunny-Snakes). People said he'd threatened the other Hyugas into treating their slaves kinder, and that he was the true power of reform behind the hokages. There were even rumors a foreigner with pink hair showed him some sort of mysterious, subtle genjutsu that let him soothe one of the Uzumakis' inner turmoil.

I made that journey because apparently I have a cousin on the moon who's going to drop it on us partly because he wanted to make dad proud, and partly because he's just lonely. So...I dunno, I'd like to talk him out of it, maybe check in on him from time to time to make sure he isn't going stir crazy up there? Family's family, even if family's a creepy nerd playing with dolls.

But if what I've learned is correct about what actually goes down in the main timeline is right, it's that violence will always supercede diplomacy and usually people don't actually become your friends after you beat them up.

As for how I met the OTHER two members of my team, apparently chakra can said subliminal soul-messages back and forth across time now? I'm not saying I subconsciously perved so hard I influenced some of Orochimaru's prodiges into being on the same team sometimes in the future but after I came back to Konoha, it sure was an awfully big coincidence I ended up senseing a team with Karin and Anko on it.

Well, not so surprising in Karin's case since I'd helped Orochi get her out of that village. Maybe Orochi was trying, in his own special way, to hook me up. I'd barely aged a day since my twenties, which was still an awkward age for a teenage girl to be sniffing your clothes at. At this point, people had heard so much about my rampages they just figured my chakra was fighting old age and winning-Anko certainly grew up fangirling over my brawlier tales. There would've been severe fiction. Orochi made jokes about eugenics and kept winking at me to let me know he was dead serious.

>"Hey little girls, want some fruit?"
>"Ehehehe, sensei! If you keep talking like that people will think we're doing something untoward~"
>"Back. Off, Karin. SENSEI, I know fruit is part of a balanced, healthy diet and all but...are you sure that thing's healthy to eat?"
>"Oh, it's healthy alright. It'll make you into goddesses"
>"...I actually don't get it. The joke, sensei. That's supposed to be dirty one...right...?"
>"Wait, Orochimaru-sempai said something about this to me once. He told me on the night he, um, and Anon saved me that the root of his medicines was a tree that only thrives on the battlefield"
>"You can't be serious. Okay, this is a freaking big bomb to drop on us sensei, are you SURE it's okay with we just, just-"
>"-transcend mortal limitations and become the very apex of all lifeforms? Yeah, why not. This stuff bruises faster than peaches if you leave it in the sun for too long"
>"But, why us?"
>"Let's just say a storm's coming. You're not the only gods out there"

Naruto and I still hit it off pretty well, for roughly the same reasons as Anko. Instead of malevolently thwarting Sassy K, I'd conspire to leave banana peels around which Orochi'd disguise as his shoes. Sakura probably existed too. There was a little less team friction and a lot more explosions by the time Zetsu's shenanigans nearly came to fruition-only to find someone had nicked the remains of the local world-tree early. He was still trying to figure that one out when Sauce and Nards kicked him in the face together.

And the rest, as they say, is history.