[A4A] Baby Naming Blues

Hey babe, whatcha doing?

*laugh* I'm just curious. You're so focused on your phone.

Babe, come on. You're missing tart week. Don't you want to watch Paul rank all the mini pear pies?

Ok, what's up? Great British Bake Off is your favorite.

Wait, that's reddit.

*goan* Honey, you're not looking at that awful Name Nerds subreddit again, are you?

Babe, the last time you went on there I had to spend two weeks convincing you not to name our son 'Ansel Basil'.

...And that look on your face tells me that you're still considering it.

Honey, no. We can't do that to the poor boy.

(laughing) I know we watched Baby Driver the night he was conceived, but I'm pretty sure that Ansel Elgort won't mind if he doesn't get a credit. He was kind of only a background player in the whole baby making process.

Anyway, Ansel is also the name of a condom brand in Australia.

I know that we're not in Australia. But you never know where the kid will end up. What if his life ambition is to move to the outback and start an emu farm? Do we really want our poor naming choice standing in the way of our child's dream?

(laughing) I know. I know. I'm being a little ridiculous. I just really want him to like me, you know?

(pause)

*kiss* Thanks.

I know that you're nervous. But I'm sure he'll like you too, babe.

I promise. Any little boy would be lucky to have you as parent.

*kiss*

But can't promise that he'll enjoyed being named after a condom brand. So, let's maybe rule out a few names, okay?

Besides, condoms were definitely not involved the night the he was conceived. And we don't want him growing up think he was an accident.

So, no condom names?

Although, I actually do like the name 'Trojan'.

What? It's not just a condom brand. The name has a long history. The Trojans were great and mighty warriors. The name symbolizes strength and valor.

(pause)

Yeah, the Trojans were the ones who fell for that whole 'wooden horse' trick.

And we don't want people thinking our kid is stupid....or named after a condom brand....

Okay, back to the drawing board.

So, did you find anything better on Name Nerds than 'Ansel Basil'?

Matthew? Uh...Maybe?

No, it sounds fine. But we know like 20 people named Matthew.

I never said that we had to be original. I just think that it might get a little confusing.

Because my best friend is named 'Matthew'. And your boss is named 'Matthew'. And your cousin just had a baby and she named it 'Matthew'.

Babe, it's just too many Matthews. I'll never be able to keep up.

And he might look up to the other 'Mathews' as role models! I have no idea how your cousin's kid will turn out, but isn't your boss the one who tried to eat a tide pods for some reason?

Trust me, the kid doesn't need anymore bad influences. He's already got me.

(laughing) Don't worry. I'm not going to encourage him to eat tide pods. I'm just going to encourage him to trick all the other kids into eating tide pods.

9laughing) Hey, I'm kidding! I'm kidding!

Um, let's see...maybe something more unique. Like...oh, Horatio!

He's a character from Hamlet.

What? It's not that pedantic. A lot of people name their kids after Shakespeare characters. There are plenty of little girls named 'Juliet'.

Oh, 'Horatio' is not that much worse than 'Juliet'. Anyway, we could always shorten it if people had trouble pronouncing it. You know, like how people sometimes shorten 'Juliet' to 'Julie' or 'Jules'.

Although, I guess the shortened version of 'Horatio' is just 'Hor'.

Yeah, that's not great...

Ok, we'll cross that one off the list too.

(laughing) Okay, you suggest one if I'm so bad at this.

Peter?

I don't know babe. The kid who used to beat me up in middle school was named Peter.

(indignant) I'm not still bitter about it! I'm just staying that name doesn't really have a good history.

Just think about it for a second. Have you ever met a decent 'Peter'?

(pause)

Even one?

See, 'Peter' just not a name with a good conation. When I hear 'Peter', I either think 'child throwing a tantrum in the middle grocery store' or 'guy standing a girl up on a second date'.

And, hopefully, neither of those will be our kid. He's going to be too awesome to be a 'Peter'.

(pause)

Oh, how about 'Jack'?

*laugh* Wait, you actually like that one too?

Great! Let's just name him 'Jack'. It's perfect!

See? That wasn't so hard.

(pause)

Wait, what?

Um, yeah, I did once warn you that everybody in my family thought that the name 'Jack' was cursed. But that's just a silly superstition.

*kiss* Trust me, it's fine. I'm pretty sure that my Great Uncle Jack would have still gotten into that tractor accident regardless of what his name was.

No, he wasn't a bad driver or anything. A tractor just came out of a field and hit him head on. He never even saw it coming.

Oh, he was fine. It only took him a decade or so to fully recover. Anyway, he's only one person. He doesn't prove that the name is cursed.

(pause)

Well, my second cousin Jack died when his scarf got caught in a train door. And....my brother-in-law Jack had to go the hospital because a lava lamp exploded next to his head...And...

Okay, okay. We won't name the kid 'Jack'. You're right. It's too risky. As much as we would try to protect him, we can't exactly forbid him from ever going near lava lamps.

*sigh* We'll just have to find a better name.

(pause)

Aw, babe. It's okay. Don't worry. We've got plenty of time to decide on a name. The kid is not even going to be here for another couple months.

*kiss*

Shh. I promise we'll figure something out. We still have a lot of time and a lot of options.

*kiss*

I know you're a little scared. I am too. But that's okay because we're in this together.

And I doubt we'll ever be perfect parents, but we're going to try our best. That at least makes us decent parents.

So, try not to worry too much. Our baby is going to be fantastic no matter what we name him. And I know we'll both love him no matter how he turns out.

Although, I hope he doesn't inherit either of our decision making skills.

*chuckle* What? You know I'm right.

Besides, it got you laugh.

*laugh* Yes, that was the goal.

*kiss*

Here, why don't we go through that Name Nerds subreddit together? It will be fun. We can laugh at all the horrible names.

*laugh* Yes, we can look for good names too. And you never know. Despite ourselves, And maybe, just maybe, we'll the find the perfect name tonight.

*kiss*