I’m not sure if you’ll read this or not, but now that four months has gone by, I would like to sincerely apologize for my wrongdoings towards you. I’ve done a ton of reflecting for the past couple months in particular. I have a much clearer grasp of my emotions and thoughts now, and I’ve organized them below.

In regards to my emotions:

It was absolutely silly of me to rush things and hope that we’d be able to get over it in that month. In retrospect, I was probably the one who needed distance the most, but I had constantly let my emotions get the best of me. I deluded myself several times into thinking that I was alright, that I was over it, that I had the best of intentions. I was wrong on all of those fronts, so when I kept pushing you to talk to me, it was incredibly counterproductive and frankly, super disrespectful on my part. We both needed time and distance away from each other - you understood that, but I didn’t, and for that, I sincerely apologize. The way I feel now is undoubtedly far more composed and clear than how it was before. I feel like things would’ve turned out better if I had accepted the distance at the time, because the way I am now is almost incomparably different than how I was before. Heck, I feel like even four months still isn’t enough time, but I digress.

In regards to my actions:

I don’t have any romantic feelings for you now, and I suspect they were never “real” in the first place. But because of that, I ended up putting you on some kind of pedestal. I had unreasonably high expectations of you precisely *because* I was infatuated with you, so when you didn’t “meet” these expectations, I ended up lashing out at you. This is what I reflected upon and still reflect on the most, and I regret this the most. It was completely wrong of me to have said the things I said, and to have even placed those irrational expectations on you in the first place. I know I said time and time again that “you [should] do you”, but I didn’t let you do that back then. Honestly, I feel like an abuser and it makes me sick to my own stomach. Ultimately, I’ve chosen to apologize to you because I feel like it’s just something you do when you’ve done something wrong. So I’m sorry for what I said and what I did, and I’m sorry for bringing this whole thing up again.

So, why now?:

As I mentioned above, I’m writing this now to apologize to you properly now that I have far more clarity regarding my own feelings at the time. I was silly, irrational, unreasonable and frankly, downright wrong. I thought I was over it within a month, and tried to (albeit failing *miserably*) sweep it under the rug, but ironically, I was also the one that kept digging my emotions back up. I had unreasonably high expectations of you as a person, and I know some part of me still wanted to make things work romantically *despite* everything falling apart at the time. That was so incredibly disrespectful to you, and I don’t even think a thousand apologies could even begin to express how I feel about that. I’m so, so sorry for causing you all of that hurt and trouble.

The other reason why I’ve written this is out of selfishness. I’ve mulled over it a lot, and I’ve still decided to spit all of my feelings out like this even if it meant bringing all of those bad memories back up. Once again, I’m really sorry. I thought about it, and I sought advice from a friend (who isn’t involved in any way and doesn’t know you or any of our mutuals). At first, I couldn’t understand why I was still lamenting over all of this. I can confidently say I don’t need any closure from you, and I could live my whole life without you, but my friend pointed it out to me: it doesn’t hurt because I *need* you or anything. It sucks because I’d rather have you as a friend than not, and I very well know that you may not feel the same, but this friendship was (and is) important to me.

So while half of the reason why I wrote this is to sincerely apologize to you (with more clarity on my emotions), the other half is simply because I just miss you - that’s all there is to it. I completely understand if you don’t feel the same, or if you’re indifferent to me now. That’s honestly fine. But if you feel like this rocky, broken friendship can somehow be mended, shoot me a message. I’d like to work things out by talking it out and laying everything on the table, but only if you are on board. Otherwise, please accept my sincerest apologies. I have hurt you, and I was wrong. I hope this serves as adequate closure to you, although I apologize in advance for my selfishness if it isn’t what you wanted or needed.

Finally, PLEASE do not feel obliged to reach out to me or say anything if you don’t want to. “No.” is a full sentence, and you have no need to justify anything to me. Don’t feel bad if you don’t want to repair the relationship. It is what it is. If you simply want to talk things over (if you have any questions) without wanting to patch things up, that’s fine too.

P.S. While we’re talking about closure, the real reason why I left Bonsai Garden was because from a while ago, I felt like I didn’t really “belong” for some reason. This was probably back in like January or so. Our falling out had a little to do with it, but it was mostly because I had a final push from Andrew that I finally left. Nobody else knows this except for Andrew.