[F4M] [F2L] From Makeover To Makeouts

From Makeover To Makeouts
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Hey, buddy! Thanks for letting me invite myself over. I know, I know, I was really cryptic on the phone, but trust me. When have I ever let you down before?

OK, take me to your bedroom.

Jesus, your face. I didn't mean THAT. Your bedroom is where your clothes are, right? Right! So it's makeover time.

Don't give me that look. We're both single for the first time since we met, and I am determined to get you laid. You've been single for two months and there's loads of girls out there withering on the vine, awaiting you to.... pluck them?

Yes, I know, I'm hilarious. You LOVE my wordplay!

Whaddya mean you don't need a makeover? Oh, man. I'm here to tell you, you most certainly do. Look, man, I love you. You know that. But you put zero effort into looking attractive.

Yes, yes, I know I know. "Uhhhh, errrrrm, I want a girl who loves me for MYSELF!" That's nice, Romeo, but why not increase your chances by at least looking RESPECTABLE?

Ohhhh no. No no no. You wearing the same jeans for two weeks and what would appear to be an endless supply of t-shirts with punk band logos on 'em is not "respectable". I'm not saying you have to dress in a linen suit all the time, but I AM saying you can put a MINIMUM OF EFFORT into it.

Look at it this way: Right now, you have a pool of potential smooch-buddies out there who are OK with you being the real-life version of Pig Pen from the Peanuts comics. That pool isn't empty, but it is pretty shallow. But if you dressed better and took care of yourself, that pool would get deeper because you'd be noticed by more people. That's just MATH, stupid.

Oh puh-leeeeeeeeeze. "But I don't care what girls look like! I like smart, funny women!" Look, I'm not saying that's not true - I've known you long enough to know that you absolutely value intelligence and senses of humor in your partners. Well, maybe not the LAST one. Sheesh, she was as dumb as a bag full of Republicans. Anyway, she's gone and good riddance. Dumb cow. Remember when she loudly told the whole party that she didn't think Citizen Kane was THAT good of a movie? Ooooh, settle down, Miss Edgelord! I can't handle these mind-blowing opinions based on nothing!

Sorry, where was I? Oh, right, making fun of you. OK, let me guess what smart, funny girls you like. Brie Larson? Ellen Page? Zoey Deschanel? THOSE ARE ALL HOTTIES, YOU DOOFUS. Oh, and by the way, fuuuuuuuuck Zoey Deschanel. Seriously! She's responsible for the word "adorkable"! She's a monster with a human face. Shit do you know how LONG I had bangs and nobody ever gave a shit and then she shows up and everybody's like "ooooo, ooooo, I love bangs!" Ugh, and "Zoey"! Whatta stupid name. Who are you, the protagonist of a Salinger short story? In your DREAMS.

YES I'M RILED UP. Admit to yourself that you like girls that are PRETTY as well as smart and funny. ADMIT IT or I'll punch you in the shoulder and then punch you again!

There, THAT wasn't so hard was it? You fucking dick. And, sure, I get it. You think you're ugly. You don't HAVE to say it, dummy. I'm your best friend. I can see it in everything you do. Deep down you think finding a woman attractive just based on her looks is somehow insulting. Right?

I KNEW IT! Dude, that's the dumbest fucking thing.... Is there no difference in your mind between LOOKING and CATCALLING? Do you know that in the proper context - like on a FUCKING DATE WITH YOU - she might actually WANT a sex muffin like you to look at her? Or even just say "Mmmmm your body's hecka-slammin"? Yes, shut up, all hot guys in my mind talk like Prince in 1987.

Holy shit, remember when we did that double date one time? The girl, can't remember her name, was throwing everything she had at you. YES SHE WAS! One time she literally giggled and bit her pinkie finger playfully like a coy little sex bunny or whatever . AT THE TABLE. She did everything except make a sign saying FUCK ME with an arrow pointing at her crotch.

Remember what happened? You thought she was just being nice, didn't make a move. I had to take the poor girl to the ladies room to explain that you're just incapable of making the first move because reasons so just jump him on the way home. And she did! So YOU'RE WELCOME.

Wait, what? You.. you didn't know I thought you were hot? Jesus I said that like  five minutes ago. Come on, I've told you I think you're hot before. I must have!

I.... I NEVER have? Ummmmmm. Well, yeah. I think you're hot. Why wouldn't I? I just think you can be hotter with the tiniest amount of help. So lets start going through the closet...

Oh, hey, you wore this the night we met! This is a nice shirt. Why don't you wear it anymore. "Uhhhhhh I dunno." Weirdo. Put it on, let's make sure it still fits.... Yeah, take off your shirt, dum dum. Do you not understand how clothes work?

Well of course I remember what you were wearing when we met. Remember how we started talking at the bar and then you said you had a key to one of the buildings on campus so we snuck around after the bar closed and ended up on the roof and we talked and watched the sunrise together.

It's funny. I really thought you were going to kiss me that night. But you never did.

Yeah, I know. We were both seeing other people at the time. Still, it really felt like you were going to kiss me.

I... wanted you to. And now we're both single, and you're shirtless, and...

No, sorry. I'm being crazy. We're just friends and I somehow managed to blurt out my opinion of your hotness levels but I know you're not int--

Mmmm mmmmm mmmmmm mmmmmm oh fuck yes kiss me mmmm MMMM MMMM yes I talk to much agreed mmmm mmmmm mmmm Jesus why did we take so long to kiss each other? More please mmmm mmmmm mmmmmm

OH! My back's against the wall. You've pinned my arms above my head. I'm.... Helpless. So what do you wa-- mmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmm MMMMMM to do to me?

Oh, my neck. Ohhhhhh great idea. I'm totally on board. I want to touch you but I CANT because you won't let me. But I can... press... my body to yours. You can feel my nipples push through my shirt, can't you? I have to grind my tits against you...

Mmmmmmm yes take my shirt off....

Hey, wait! You... You used the shirt to tie my hands together! And you're leading me to the bed. Are you going to fuck me now?

Then take off my pants. See how fucking wet you make me. See how ready for you I've always always been.

That's right slide them off. My clit is fucking hard already. Do you see i-- OHHHH YOUR TONGUE FUCK FUCK DRINK ME EAT ME OHHHHHH FUCK YES I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT

Pick me up. Throw me on the bed. Do it.

Now tie my arms to the bed. Fuck do it now. There now I'm immobilized. I can't stop you from doing anything. Like grabbing my head ohhhhhh and fucking my face ohhh mmm mmmmmmmm ohhhh mmmmm mmmm yes yes let me suck it please mmmm mmmmm mmmm more please mmmmmm mmmmm mMmmmmMMMMM no don't come in my mouth not yet not for our first time.

No. Shhhh. Listen. There's two things I want. I'm serious now. Two things.

I want you to fill my pussy with cum.

And... I want to call you daddy. My daddy. My sweet hot fucking daddy. .... Can I?

Ohhh thank you! Thank you daddy! I need you to fuck me now.

Yes oh my god oh god oh god FUCK YES FUCK ME RAM THAT COCK INTO ME YES YES OHMYGOD HARDER FUCK ME HARDER HARDER! HARDER! Ohhhh I'm gonna cum yes already yes you are too yes ok are you ready for me daddy? Daddy please cum in me pleaseplease please please unnnnnnfff UNNNNNNNNGGGHHH imcummingimcummingimcumming yes fill my cunt! Fill me! Oh my god....

Oh. Oh daddy. That was so good.

...

Oh hells yes that was "good for me too" you goober. I didn't scream into your ear canal loud enough?

I'll tell you what though - I'm definitely still gonna teach you how to dress.

Don't worry. You'll be in charge of making me... UN- dress.

Hey, stop hitting me with that pillow! You LOVE wordplay!