Strife

>You are accosted by a friendly NUDIST CANINE.
>WHAT DO YOU DO?
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Apply sunscreen

>CUM ON DOG
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>You misinterpret the command and blast out a few SUGARY-SWEET BABYROPES onto her glistening nude body.
>Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to appreciate being treated like an anime figurine. Uh oh...
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>pet the dog reassuringly
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>SUCCESS! Though she is still covered in an entire food drive's worth of CREAM OF NUT SOUP, you tender ministrations and assurances that she is a GOOD GIRL YES SHE IS SHE'S SUCH A GOOD GIRL! Have calmed her immediate spaceborne wrath.
>Your HEADPAT REPERTOIRE: COMFORTING CARRESS is now Rank: Hoplite
>You have gained three AFFECTION SCRIP(s).
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>offer her a massage as compensation
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>Now that you've made peace with your goddess, you offer her both a SCENTED MOIST TOWELETTE THAT YOU KEEP ON YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT WEIRD as well as a nice massage. After all she's probably got a lot of pent up stress from being constantly shat on by the writing team.
>She happily accepts, she's got a lot of tension that needs untensioning.
>Your MASSEUR PITCHER is one-third full.
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>grope that boob, any of them
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>With a dual HONK you take a handful of some FAT TIDDY. You couldn't just pick one breast, in the same way you couldn't just pick one pasta at an OLIVE GARDEN. Not that you're sexually attracted to things at Olive Garden. Anymore.
>Your companion of course, enjoys the attention.
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>proceed with boob massage, squeeze them nips
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>You start going to town on her MASSIVE MUTT MAMMARIES, tweaking them and fondling them like they're a joystick controller and you're fighting the HARDEST BOSS on some SICK NEW VIDEOGAME, the kind of boss you'd eventually give up on and just ask your older brother to beat. This metaphor is going to places you don't like.
>Jade is clearly getting way too hot and bothered by it. And here you thought girls getting off to nipple play was just a myth told around campfires to scare middle schoolers. She grabs your hand to better guide you.
>You have gained five BOOB FONDLING EXPERIENCE.
>Total experience: 5 EXP.
>You have also unlocked one NIPPLENIGMA. Purchase HussieCoins in the Homestore(TM) to unravel it!
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Prepare for dicking
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Unable to augment your lacking skill, you turn instead to the old fashioned ways of your ancestors with some good ole-fashioned foreplay. You can't prep the dog for fucking in the normal, professional way as you don't have enough WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE for that, but you've watched enough Food Network to do it by hand. Admittedly using Food Network to learn SEXUAL TECHNIQUES is probably why your skills are LACKING. She's happily receptive to the fingerbanging though; as you're starting to realize who screws the pooch is just as important as how they screw the pooch.
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>Jade: Pull out a steak and offer to share it.
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>You are now JADE HARLEY.
>So far today you've been nutted on, wiped down, and now rubbed up. Other than the unexpected nutting you're in a really good mood, the kind of mood that leads to a lot of CUTE LITTLE PUPPIES down the line if you're not careful (or if you're really lucky, and you're feeling lucky).
>Of course now your companion responsible for all of this is going on about wanting to fuck the Food Network and something about using worcestershire sauce? You decide to show him how much you like him by making a very close and personal gesture, one that takes a lot of opening-up and personal vulnerability on your part.
>You eject from your sylladex one PIPING HOT T-BONE STEAK and ask him if he'd like to shove his face deep into your steak. You don't have worcestershire sauce however. You also adorably mispronounce the word 'worcestershire', because come the fuck on you were raised by a dog, you mispronounced the word 'the' wrong until you were 13.
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What, does she just have a bunch of random meat in her sylladex?

You know how much Jade loves random meat
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>You DO carry around random meat in your sylladex you say, pulling out a cheeseburger to demonstrate. Its timeless nature makes it ideal for storing perishable things: food, ice, your semen, volatile nuclear material, things with a battery life. You know.
>He asks you what that middle one was. You mean the ice?
>You're getting off topic though. Your offer was for the steak; the cheeseburger was just to demonstrate. You might be willing to have him BUST AN EPIC NUT inside you so great that John will feel like he's been knocked up, but there are lines you'll never cross. The burger is for you, and you alone.
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>decline the steak eat ass instead
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You're really not hungry for steak, you'd rather EAT ASS. Thus, the t-bone is captchalogued back into Jade's sylladex for consumption at a later date. Preferrably over a romantic candlelight dinner.
>DAVE: Attempt to eat ass.
>Your attempt was an overwhelming success.
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>First, be Jade. Then, overpower Dave and sit on his face
>You are now Jade, Dave has just shoved his face into your crotch like it's a HOT TOWELS fresh out of the dryer. You do this to HOT TOWELS because you think it's a good substitute for REAL HUMAN AFFECTION.
>You're making existence sad, but either way if this blonde twink thinks he knows how to shove his face in your doggy ass, he's got another think coming.
>You quickly and easily overpower him, and your suitor suddenly finds himself pinned to the sandy floor with over 20 pounds of HARLEY ASS on his face. He doesn't move. Uh....
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>==>
>Oh okay, he's fine
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Jade: gobble the bone in your direct vicinity.
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>However, the shoving of your big ole butt in his face has shoved a similarly enticing bodypart into your immediate vicinity. Nobody's going to fault you for wanting to suck a BIG FAT COCK, right?
>You lean down closer to catch up with your OLD FRIEND. Hello Mister Dave's Penis, how are things? Still into spelunking and trying to be a family man?
>Mister Dave's Penis doesn't respond. He's shy, so evidently you'll have to make the first move.