I turned this into a Nicolas Cage simulator very quickly:

"My name is Duck Newton," you say. "And this is my friend".
He nods and walks over to you.
"This is John Wilkes Booth," he says. "We're going to rob the Treasury Building".
Booth smiles and waves at you

> Summon nicolas cage

You call Nicolas Cage to you and he appears in front of you. He holds his hands
 out to you and you grab them both. Cage grins and takes the offer.

> Ask John Wilkes Booth "whats in it for me"

"Nothing," he replies. "Just be careful".

> Throw nicolas cage at him

You toss Nic Cage's pistol at Booth. The gun flies through the air and hits Booth
 square in the chest. He falls backwards as if shot.

> Run away with nicolas cage

You run off with Nic Cage in hand. You run up an alleyway and duck down behind
 some barrels. Suddenly Nic Cage grabs you by the arm and throws you into the
 wall. You hit the ground hard and scream.

> Go get ice cream with nic cage

You head back to the Treasury Building where you find Nic Cage sitting on a bench
 eating ice cream. He gives you a look that tells you its not worth getting mad
 about.

> Attempt to steal the declaration of independence

You try to take the Declaration of Independence from Nic Cage but he catches
 you and shoves you against a barrel.

> Steal nic cage's ice cream

You take Nic Cage's ice cream and leave. You don't know why you're doing it,
 but you feel like you should do something. You think about how you could use
 this declaration of independence to get revenge on the Redneck Rebellion

> go to town

You decide to go to town and see if there's any trouble. You walk around town
 and see nothing. You also notice that the people here seem to be more friendly
 towards you than they used to. You wonder if all the violence has died down.

> Steal something

You decide to steal something. You grab a can of beer and run out of the bank.
 You hear a lot of noise outside so you hide in a dumpster. When you emerge you
 realize that the town isn't nearly as bad as you thought it would be

> start a noise band

You decide to start a noise band. You pick up a guitar and begin playing. People
 stop talking and just listen to you play. They're really enjoying themselves.
 Soon you have a crowd of fans. You even get a few girls singing along to your
 songs

> Drink the beer

You decide to drink the beer. You put the can in your mouth and suck on it. You
 enjoy the taste and the feeling of alcohol in your system. You continue drinking
 until you pass out.

> Dream about nicolas cage

You wake up to a very familiar voice. It's Nic Cage.

> Invite nic cage to my noise band show

You agree to Nic Cage's request and set up a show for him. You tell the audience
 that they'll meet Nic Cage later, but first they need to buy tickets to the
 concert.

> Practice making noise

You practice making noise for hours every day. Eventually you get good enough
 that Nic Cage invites you to join his noise band.

> Accept offer

You accept Nic Cage's invitation and become part of his noise band. You soon
 learn that Nic Cage is a bit of a loose cannon. His shows often end in chaos
 and he doesn't care one way or another about the people he's hurting. But he
 sure does love music

> Thank nic cage

You thank Nic Cage for giving you a job and telling you to follow your dreams.
 Then you kiss him goodbye and walk away.

> Perform noise band with nic cage

You perform a noisy show with Nic Cage. Everyone loves it and you even get a
 couple of girls dancing to your songs. A week passes and you receive a letter
 from Nic Cage. It says that he wants to marry you.