Jump 400: Kingsman

Jump #400: Kingsman
>Ten of Cups (Satiety), reversed: Taking one's good fortune for granted.
I can think of a couple people who take their good fortune for granted, indeed. McDonalds. Really.
>Identity: Kingsman (-400)
Four hundred points for an origin? Jesus. I guess the extra points to items balances this, or something, but jeez.
>Well Dressed (Free, Kingsman)
It's always helpful to ensure that any useful devices I have will remain useful even if being used a bit improperly.
>Unflappable Manners (500, Kingsman)
As though I don't already have this down pat by now, but hey, never hurts to have it reinforced.
>Manners Maketh Man (100, Kingsman)
This isn't so much adding new skill so much as refining it. Not only can I deal with things efficiently, but I can make sure it looks good.
>Always On Tap (50)
Product placement is good for you.
>All Seeing Spectacles [550]
Honestly, these aren't bad. I don't know how often I'll use them, but having them means I can replicate them.
>The Watch To Observe [350]
Come to think of it, I've been relying on my own innate perfect sense of time to know when everything is. At least now I can make an act of looking at a watch. And it is a very nice watch.
>A Knight In Stylish Armor [0]
At least when I'm not wearing my armor, I've an outfit that will keep me dressed to the nines.

There's really a great deal of things that an outside element disrupts, by being unafraid to step in. Certainly I'm going to do things by the book, but ... well, this means that I end up being in a church full of morons when it's time to go kill crazy. There's just one problem: when a jumper goes kill crazy, they generally shift forms to something more suited to the task, meaning shifting to Kryptonian for the sake of eye lasers stopped me from having murderous intent, and the end result of that was a display of martial arts that knocked out every single person. Every last one of them suffered no lasting damage. I walked outside, to the awaiting ambush.

"What did you do? I had nearly no restraint. I almost killed all of those people; they all tried to kill each other. Everyone went mad."
>"Well, in simple terms..." Insert treknobabble here.
"Free sims cards were too good to be true. Pity that Galahad was out sick today, he might have enjoyed that. Now what?"
>"You know what this is like? It's like the old movies I love - now I'm going to tell you my whole plan-"
"Why would you?"
>"Exactly. This ain't that kind of movie."
The gunshot echoed as my head rocked back as my glasses shattered and the uplink was destroyed, the force sending me rocking backward for a long moment... before I stood upright again, lifting a hand to my eye and digging out a flattened lead bullet. "So you want to change genres, do you?"
>"Wh-what the f-fuck-!" Valentine stuttered, as Gazelle stepped up beside him to pull him back.
I flicked the bullet at one of his two bodyguards, and it buried itself in the man's skull as he crumpled to the ground. The other brought his gun up and fired on full-auto, bullets soaring through the air. I lifted a hand, letting most of the bullets ping away harmlessly. A few were grabbed in my hand; with a negligent wave, they were thrown and quite permanently neutralized the other guard.
>Gazelle stood in front of Valentine, who was still trying to form words, an oppressive fear rooting them in place. "Who- what- what is this?"
I lifted a hand and wagged a finger. "You decided we aren't in a spy thriller anymore, I can go with the flow. So what would you like? We've got superhero drama-" I unbuttoned my jacket to show off a familiar red-and-yellow sigil straight from the comic books.. "-or we've got action-comedy." I paused for a few moments, waiting, before I inclined my head and let my arms drop.
"Oh, I see. You were wanting to use these cards on more people than me. Maybe even kill off everyone in the world, right?"
>"How did you-"
"That means we're in a horror film."
>"I... oh, shit. Oh, SHIT."

Abruptly I shed my form, my suddenly massive body launching forward from my shadow toward them, shrieking teke-li! teke-li!, as tentacles coated with needle-sharp teeth tore into the both of them.

The test audiences didn't seem to like this alternative to the church massacre, but quite frankly fuck test audiences, they ruin movies. Besides, I was too busy having fun to care, and if physics is going to be go out to lunch whenever it's convenient, then the stars must be right and I'm going to do as I feel fits.

Eggsy followed through with the rest, and oddly, both Valentine and Gazelle were still there in the end. Though the color of their blood seemed to be rather... off. A too-bright shade of red, almost cartoonish, and their behavior was not quite right either. As well, it turned out that some last-minute change that Valentine made caused a bug that kept the sim cards from actually activating, though nearly everything else happened as it otherwise might have. Not to mention Galahad never ended up having a breakdown after surviving a gunshot wound to the head, because he never killed a church full of people.

Also, apparently someone decided to try to blow up the Kingsman headquarters a few years later. Except the joys of precognition include preemptively dealing with such threats because... seriously, some of this is just too silly to be true outside of Austin Powers.

Wait, tell me I didn't just jinx myself...