Pumpkin Pie

Aug 6th, 2013
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  1. Pumpkin Pie
  2. By IceMan
  4. >Night Nightmare Night in Equestria.
  5. >You are Anonymous.
  6. >You are an orange fruit of the genus Cucurbita.
  7. >In other words, you are a pumpkin.
  8. >You can’t see, can’t hear, can’t feel, can’t really do anything.
  9. >It really sucks being a sentient pumpkin.
  10. >But, if you were alive, you’d have quite a lot to say.
  11. >You know a surprising amount for a squash.
  12. >And, then, you felt something.
  13. >For the first time since you were grown, you felt something.
  14. >It was sort of a tingly feeling, like someone was pricking you with a bunch of needles.
  15. >And then...
  16. “Ugh, God that’s bright!”
  17. >“Twilight! You brought the jack-o-lantern to life!”
  18. “I’m alive?”
  19. >In front of you are two creatures: one a purple unicorn, the other a purple dragon with green spikes.
  20. >“Hello, Mr. Pumpkin,” the unicorn begins, “My name is – ”
  21. “Food. I need food.”
  22. >“Well, okay then... just, wait – be careful!”
  23. >You roll yourself to the edge of the table you were sitting on and plop onto the floor, then continue towards the doorway.
  24. >“I told you giving life to inanimate objects was a bad idea,” you hear.
  25. >Reaching the kitchen, you feebly attempt to hop onto the counter, until once again you feel that tingly sensation around your body.
  26. >“Here, what do you want?” the unicorn asks.
  27. >You pause and think for a moment.
  28. >You know of so many different types of food, but you also know that you do not want to bother your conjurer with a difficult request.
  29. “I’ll have... a peanut butter and jelly sandwich,” you finally decide.
  30. >Twilight walks over to the fridge and pulls out a container of peanut butter, a jar of jelly, and a loaf of white bread.
  31. >She then assembles your meal while you mutter all the various words and phrases you know.
  32. “Jellyfish... ooh, that’s fun to say... and turkey leg! I would love to try a turkey leg or a Franciscan friar... but that’s not food. But it is alliterative... so many words to hear, so many feelings. Like this candle currently burning into my back, I guess that would be... heat!
  33. >“Spike, get that candle out of his mouth! He’s going to catch fire!” Twilight suddenly shouts, noticing the plume of smoke escaping from your orifice.
  34. >The little lizard thing grabs the candle out from the jauntily-cut whole in your front side.
  35. “No! Put that back! I need to experience the burning!” you plead.
  36. >Spike shoots you a quizzical look.
  37. >“Well, here’s your sandwich, Mr. Pumpkin,” the unicorn states, laying it in front of you on plate.
  38. “Delicious. Now to eat it.”
  39. >You attempt to open your mouth as wide as you can, but your miniscule musculature prevents this.
  40. “Uh, if you could, Miss Twilight, was it? Could you stick that sandwich in my mouth? I can’t seem to... reach it.”
  41. >Twilight telekinetically lifts the sandwich and stuffs it in the hole in your face.
  42. >You carefully begin chewing on it.
  43. “Mmm... better than I imagined it would be. It’s very hard not having whatever is allowing me to do all these things right now.”
  44. >“Right... So, do you have a name, Pumpkin?” Spike asks.
  45. “Well, I took to calling myself Anonymous because I don’t really have a name. So I guess you can call me that. But a better question would be what am I doing here? What is my life purpose? Why am I here, at this spot, right now?”
  46. >“Well, I cast a level 2 rejuvenation spell on you. I was hoping to entertain some fillies for Nightmare Night, but I didn’t expect you to be so...”
  47. “Ravishing, handsome, intelligent, quick-witted –”
  48. >“Talkative.”
  49. >You frown.
  50. “Say, do any of you know what communism is?”
  51. >Both the unicorn and the dragon shake their head.
  52. “Oh, that’s too bad. I was hoping I would have someone to finally have a discussion of the pros and cons of communism with, but I guess I’ll just have to tell you what that it is. You see, communism is a system of government in which all property is owned by the working class, or proletariat, who will inevitably overthrow the corrupt, oppressive bourgeoisie in a glorious revolution. Thousands, maybe even millions might die, but the dream of equality for all will never perish. Hahahaha!”
  53. >“Uh... okay then...” Twilight replies.
  54. >You blink a few tears from your eyes and stare at the moon.
  55. “Hey, I just thought of something... what if, and hear me out on this, you were falling in an elevator going at the speed of light... hold on, I need to do some calculations. In my head. ”
  56. >You briefly think for a moment, considering all the knowledge you know, all the facts you have scooped from the primordial ether.
  57. “Yes! I’ve got it! Matter curves space-time, and this produces the effect that we know as... Why am I tingling again?”
  58. >“I guess the spell is wearing off,” Twilight states.
  59. “Well, do it again! I don’t want to go back to the dark place where I only have my thoughts and no feelings or words to hear!”
  60. >“Sorry. You were by far the most annoying pumpkin we brought to life, I will give you that, Anonymous. I mean, you were also the first one, so I guess there isn't much to compare you to.”
  61. “No! I’ll – I’ll gnaw your legs off, you bitch! Don’t let me die!”
  62. >You roll of the table and bite down on Twilight’s leg.
  63. >You attempt to say “Don’t let me die” again, but it only comes out as “Mmmf mm munff mfff!”
  64. >Twilight merely gives you a deadpan glare.
  65. >You spit out Twilight’s leg.
  66. “Please, don’t make me –”
  67. >The tingling increases in rate; you can no longer feel your base.
  68. “No. No! NO!”
  69. >And once again, you see nothing, feel nothing, hear nothing.
  70. >Being a pumpkin really sucks.
  72. >“Well, Spike. Go grind that one up. We’re going to need a lot more pumpkins for the world’s largest pumpkin pie."
  73. >“Why do you insist on bringing all these pumpkins to life before we smash them? And carving jack-o-lantern faces into them so they can speak and see?”
  74. >“For science.”
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