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- Pumpkin Pie
- By IceMan
- >Night Nightmare Night in Equestria.
- >You are Anonymous.
- >You are an orange fruit of the genus Cucurbita.
- >In other words, you are a pumpkin.
- >You can’t see, can’t hear, can’t feel, can’t really do anything.
- >It really sucks being a sentient pumpkin.
- >But, if you were alive, you’d have quite a lot to say.
- >You know a surprising amount for a squash.
- >And, then, you felt something.
- >For the first time since you were grown, you felt something.
- >It was sort of a tingly feeling, like someone was pricking you with a bunch of needles.
- >And then...
- “Ugh, God that’s bright!”
- >“Twilight! You brought the jack-o-lantern to life!”
- “I’m alive?”
- >In front of you are two creatures: one a purple unicorn, the other a purple dragon with green spikes.
- >“Hello, Mr. Pumpkin,” the unicorn begins, “My name is – ”
- “Food. I need food.”
- >“Well, okay then... just, wait – be careful!”
- >You roll yourself to the edge of the table you were sitting on and plop onto the floor, then continue towards the doorway.
- >“I told you giving life to inanimate objects was a bad idea,” you hear.
- >Reaching the kitchen, you feebly attempt to hop onto the counter, until once again you feel that tingly sensation around your body.
- >“Here, what do you want?” the unicorn asks.
- >You pause and think for a moment.
- >You know of so many different types of food, but you also know that you do not want to bother your conjurer with a difficult request.
- “I’ll have... a peanut butter and jelly sandwich,” you finally decide.
- >Twilight walks over to the fridge and pulls out a container of peanut butter, a jar of jelly, and a loaf of white bread.
- >She then assembles your meal while you mutter all the various words and phrases you know.
- “Jellyfish... ooh, that’s fun to say... and turkey leg! I would love to try a turkey leg or a Franciscan friar... but that’s not food. But it is alliterative... so many words to hear, so many feelings. Like this candle currently burning into my back, I guess that would be... heat!
- >“Spike, get that candle out of his mouth! He’s going to catch fire!” Twilight suddenly shouts, noticing the plume of smoke escaping from your orifice.
- >The little lizard thing grabs the candle out from the jauntily-cut whole in your front side.
- “No! Put that back! I need to experience the burning!” you plead.
- >Spike shoots you a quizzical look.
- >“Well, here’s your sandwich, Mr. Pumpkin,” the unicorn states, laying it in front of you on plate.
- “Delicious. Now to eat it.”
- >You attempt to open your mouth as wide as you can, but your miniscule musculature prevents this.
- “Uh, if you could, Miss Twilight, was it? Could you stick that sandwich in my mouth? I can’t seem to... reach it.”
- >Twilight telekinetically lifts the sandwich and stuffs it in the hole in your face.
- >You carefully begin chewing on it.
- “Mmm... better than I imagined it would be. It’s very hard not having whatever is allowing me to do all these things right now.”
- >“Right... So, do you have a name, Pumpkin?” Spike asks.
- “Well, I took to calling myself Anonymous because I don’t really have a name. So I guess you can call me that. But a better question would be what am I doing here? What is my life purpose? Why am I here, at this spot, right now?”
- >“Well, I cast a level 2 rejuvenation spell on you. I was hoping to entertain some fillies for Nightmare Night, but I didn’t expect you to be so...”
- “Ravishing, handsome, intelligent, quick-witted –”
- >“Talkative.”
- >You frown.
- “Say, do any of you know what communism is?”
- >Both the unicorn and the dragon shake their head.
- “Oh, that’s too bad. I was hoping I would have someone to finally have a discussion of the pros and cons of communism with, but I guess I’ll just have to tell you what that it is. You see, communism is a system of government in which all property is owned by the working class, or proletariat, who will inevitably overthrow the corrupt, oppressive bourgeoisie in a glorious revolution. Thousands, maybe even millions might die, but the dream of equality for all will never perish. Hahahaha!”
- >“Uh... okay then...” Twilight replies.
- >You blink a few tears from your eyes and stare at the moon.
- “Hey, I just thought of something... what if, and hear me out on this, you were falling in an elevator going at the speed of light... hold on, I need to do some calculations. In my head. ”
- >You briefly think for a moment, considering all the knowledge you know, all the facts you have scooped from the primordial ether.
- “Yes! I’ve got it! Matter curves space-time, and this produces the effect that we know as... Why am I tingling again?”
- >“I guess the spell is wearing off,” Twilight states.
- “Well, do it again! I don’t want to go back to the dark place where I only have my thoughts and no feelings or words to hear!”
- >“Sorry. You were by far the most annoying pumpkin we brought to life, I will give you that, Anonymous. I mean, you were also the first one, so I guess there isn't much to compare you to.”
- “No! I’ll – I’ll gnaw your legs off, you bitch! Don’t let me die!”
- >You roll of the table and bite down on Twilight’s leg.
- >You attempt to say “Don’t let me die” again, but it only comes out as “Mmmf mm munff mfff!”
- >Twilight merely gives you a deadpan glare.
- >You spit out Twilight’s leg.
- “Please, don’t make me –”
- >The tingling increases in rate; you can no longer feel your base.
- “No. No! NO!”
- >And once again, you see nothing, feel nothing, hear nothing.
- >Being a pumpkin really sucks.
- >“Well, Spike. Go grind that one up. We’re going to need a lot more pumpkins for the world’s largest pumpkin pie."
- >“Why do you insist on bringing all these pumpkins to life before we smash them? And carving jack-o-lantern faces into them so they can speak and see?”
- >“For science.”
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