COLD OPEN

INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

JERRY:
You think they ever get backed up at
the gates of Heaven? Too many people
die at once, it just overwhelms the
system? It’s gotta be like the DMV on
a Friday. “Everyone take a number,
you’ll be judged in the order you
slipped the surly bonds of Earth.”
God’s angry at St. Peter. “What’s
going on? Keep the line moving!” “I’ve
got three angels on vacation - what do
you want?!” All these poor souls just
standing around, reading old
magazines. “This is taking an
eternity. I could’ve been in Hell by
Now!”

END OF COLD OPEN

ACT I

INT. NIJISANJI CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

SONNY AND OTHER VTUBERS STAND AMONG NYPD AND FDNY. MR.
WILHELM STANDS BEFORE THE ROOM NEXT TO A FIRE CAPTAIN. A
BANNER READS “UNITED WE STAND - THANK YOU, HEROES!”.

MR. WILHELM:
We have all been shaken by last
Tuesday’s horrific events. But through
the darkness of September 11th, the
light of our brave firefighters and
police officers shines through.

SONNY IS IN THE CROWD NEXT TO A LARGE FIREFIGHTER. HE LOOKS
UP AT THE MAN WITH A BEAMING SMILE.

MR. WILHELM (CONT’D):
These selfless men and women are
heroes to us all.
SONNY NODS HIS HEAD TO THE FIREFIGHTER AND PATS HIM ON THE
BACK. THE FIREFIGHTER IS SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

MR. WILHELM (CONT’D):
And I could not be prouder to thank
them on behalf of the entire Nijisanji
Family!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE. SONNY GRABS THE FIREFIGHTER’S
HAND TO SHAKE IT AND GOES IN FOR A HUG. IT’S TOO MUCH.

MR. WILHELM (CONT’D):
Now please, help yourselves to coffee
and pastries!

SONNY GETS IN LINE FOR THE SPREAD BEHIND A POLICE OFFICER
AND A FIREFIGHTER WITH HIS ARM IN A SLING.

SONNY:
PLEASE! After you, Sirs.

POLICE OFFICER:
Thank you.

SONNY:
Literally the least we could do.
Unless you wanted us to do less. If
you truly wanted less, I’m sure we
could find a way.

THE FIREFIGHTER AND OFFICER NOD. “WHAT IS THIS GUY?”

SONNY (CONT’D):
So, an INTERESTING week.

FIREFIGHTER:
These have been the worst four days of
my life.

SONNY:
Horrible, horrible. And yet, it must
be just a bit exciting.

POLICE OFFICER:
Excuse me?

SONNY:
Well, men in your profession - you
want to save lives, face danger head
on. If ever there was a time…

FIREFIGHTER:
Buddy, I watched the South Tower
collapse on half of my engine. You
saying I wanted that to happen?

SONNY:
No no, I’m just SUGGESTING -

POLICE OFFICER:
Suggesting WHAT?

FIREFIGHTER:
You’ve got a big mouth, you son of a
bitch!

HE SWINGS AT SONNY WITH HIS GOOD ARM. SONNY DUCKS AND THE
FIREFIGHTER FALLS FORWARD ONTO THE TABLE, COLLAPSING IT. HE
MOANS. THE ROOM IS STUNNED.

MR. WILHELM:
SONNY!

INT. MONK’S - DAY

JERRY AND SONNY IN THE BOOTH. EACH TABLE HAS AN AMERICAN
FLAG. JERRY’S MOUTH IS AGAPE. SONNY IS ALMOST IN TEARS.

SONNY:
WHAT?!

JERRY:
It must be EXCITING? EXCITING? “Hey,
I’m sorry you watched thousands of
people die, but boy! That must have
got the old adrenaline pumping!”

SONNY:
They don’t know how good they have it!
My whole life I’ve wanted to be a
hero. Here it just falls into their
laps, and they don’t even appreciate
It!

JERRY:
One of these days I’m gonna sell your
brain to a medical school. They’d
discover fifty new complexes. It could
be the key to all mental illness!

ELAINE ENTERS AND SITS NEXT TO SONNY.

ELAINE:
Hey.

JERRY:
Hey.

ELAINE:
(to Sonny)
What’s wrong with you?

JERRY:
Everything.

ELAINE:
Jeeze, can you believe how quickly
they got this place cleaned up? This
entire block was covered in dust!

JERRY:
I know, it’s immaculate! It’s like
they made a blood sacrifice to Mr.
Clean. Hey, by the way, I am so, so
sorry about that guy you were seeing.

ELAINE:
Brian? Meh.

JERRY:
Meh? What do you mean, meh? He was
murdered by terrorists.

ELAINE:
I was gonna break up with him anyway.

JERRY:
I thought you liked him.

ELAINE:
He was nice, but in conversations he
was just so... animated. It was like I
was dating a radio sound effects guy.
Anyway, saved me an awkward dinner.

JERRY:
Well as long as it worked out for you.

KRAMER ENTERS AND RUSHES TO THE TABLE, SITTING NEXT TO JERRY.

KRAMER:
You remember my crazy friend Mo Atta?

ELAINE:
The guy you fish-sit for when he goes
to Florida? What about him?

KRAMER:
Look at this!

KRAMER HANDS ELAINE A NEWSPAPER. SHE READS.

ELAINE:
“The leader of the hijackers has been
identified as Egyptian-national
MOHAMED ATTA.” GET - OUT!

ELAINE SHOVES KRAMER FROM ACROSS THE TABLE.

KRAMER:
You know he was always talking about
how evil America was? Eventually I
told him, “Why don’t you do something
about it?” I thought he’d write to his
Congressman!

JERRY:
Kramer, he just crashed a plane into
the World Trade Center! He slit the
pilots’ throats with a box-cutter!

KRAMER:
Not “a” box-cutter - MY box-cutter. He
borrowed it last week!

ELAINE:
(even more intense)
GET - OUT! You have to do something!

KRAMER:
Oh, you’d better believe it! I’m
getting that box-cutter replaced.

JERRY:
(to Elaine)
Is this it? Is this how the world
ends?

KRAMER:
Jerry, this was a Matsuyama - the
finest parcel opener produced in all
of Hokkaido prefecture! Triple
reinforced grip. When you’re slicing
with that baby, oh Mama! You feel like
a grocery clerk on Christmas morn!

KRAMER RISES FROM THE BOOTH.

KRAMER (CONT’D):
We may have lost our neighbors, but
the bleeding stops here.

KRAMER RAISES HIS HAND AND SALUTES. HE EXITS AS THE WAITRESS
DROPS OFF JERRY AND SONNY’S PLATES. ELAINE’S CELL RINGS. SHE
ANSWERS.

ELAINE:
Hello? - This is she. - WHAT?! WHEN?! -
YES, I’LL BE RIGHT THERE!
(hangs up)
BRIAN’S ALIVE. THEY PULLED HIM FROM
THE RUBBLE. HE’S IN THE HOSPITAL!

JERRY:
OH MY GOD!

SONNY:
So you’re back together.

ELAINE DEFLATES.

JERRY:
Get him a card in the gift shop. “Glad
you’re alive! It’s not you, it’s me!”

ELAINE RISES.

ELAINE:
That’s VERY clever. You should write
for Hallmark.

JERRY:
Nah, I like my job.

SHE EXITS. JERRY GOES IN FOR A BITE OF HIS SANDWICH BUT
STOPS. HE NOTICES SOMETHING.

JERRY (CONT’D):
What is this?

SONNY:
What?

JERRY DABS HIS FINGER ON THE BREAD AND EXAMINES IT.

JERRY:
I think it’s dust.

SONNY:
Dust?

JERRY:
Like DUST dust.

SONNY:
Eat around it.

JERRY:
I can’t eat around this. This could
have been a person. Hey, Larry? Could
I get another sandwich?

LARRY, THE MANAGER, COMES OVER.

LARRY:
What’s the matter?

JERRY:
This one... has a little dust on it?

LARRY:
Dust? Three-thousand people are dead,
you know.

JERRY:
I know, I just -

LARRY:

This whole city has dust on it. Our
HEARTS are covered in dust. You’re
gonna eat that sandwich or you’re not
eating at all.

LARRY GOES TO THE COUNTER AND POINTS OUT JERRY TO THE
WAITRESSES.

LARRY (CONT’D):
He doesn’t get ANYTHING until he eats
that sandwich. Thinks he’s too good
for dust. That dust is AMERICA.

JERRY:
(to Sonny)
Come on, let’s go.

SONNY:
What about my lunch?

JERRY:
I’ll buy you another one.

THEY GET UP AND WALK TOWARDS THE REGISTER.

SONNY:
Hoo boy. Can’t enjoy a pastry, can’t
enjoy a sandwich...
(throws his hands up)
THOSE TERRORISTS REALLY DID IT!

SONNY ACCIDENTALLY BUMPS INTO A PASSING WOMAN. HE GRABS HER
SHOULDERS TO KEEP HER FROM FALLING.

WOMAN:
That touch. I know it.

SHE CARESSES SONNY’S FACE. HE AND JERRY ARE CONFUSED.

WOMAN (CONT’D):
...My God. You’re the man who saved me
from the World Trade Center!

SONNY CONSIDERS THE OPPORTUNITY. HE TURNS TO JERRY FOR AN
OPINION, WHO SHAKES HIS HEAD. “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!”

SONNY:
Yes. I am.

THE WOMAN EMBRACES SONNY.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

ELAINE SITS AT BRIAN’S BEDSIDE AS HE RECOUNTS HIS TALE.

BRIAN:
I was just sitting at my computer,
typing away…

ELAINE NODS AS HE MIMES TYPING AND MAKES KEYSTROKE SOUNDS.

BRIAN (CONT’D):
When I heard this whirring sound,
WHIIIIIIIIRRRR…

ELAINE TRIES TO HIDE HER ANNOYANCE
.
BRIAN (CONT’D):
And then - BOOM! PKSHRGHGH!
FWAAAAAAH!!!

ELAINE:
Mmm. Fwah.

BRIAN:
FWAAAAAAH!!!

INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - DAY

A BANNER READS “TERRORISM VICTIMS CLAIMS ADMINISTRATION”. A
VOLUNTEER PASSES OUT COFFEE DOWN THE LINE. KRAMER TAKES A
CUP, WINKING. HE TURNS TO A SAD MAN BEHIND HIM.

KRAMER:

The mood is dead in here. What’re you
here for?

SAD MAN:
Tower 7 fell on my dog.

KRAMER IS TAKEN ABACK AND GIVES THE MAN A PAT ON THE
SHOULDER. THE ADMINISTRATOR CALLS FROM THE TABLE IN FRONT.

CLAIMS ADMINISTRATOR:
Next!

KRAMER:
Yeah, I’d like to make a claim.
Property loss.

CLAIMS ADMINISTRATOR:
(filling out form)
Estimated value?

KRAMER:
Twenty.

CLAIMS ADMINISTRATOR:
Twenty-thousand, okay.

KRAMER:
No no, twenty dollars.

CLAIMS ADMINISTRATOR:
Excuse me?

KRAMER:
Mohamed Atta borrowed my box-cutter. I
want a replacement.

CLAIMS ADMINISTRATOR:
Mohamed Atta borrowed your box-cutter?
You realize we’re all here because of
your damn box-cutter? We ain’t giving
out box-cutters. You don’t go to the
burn unit to bum a cigarette!

KRAMER:
Hey, how ‘bout a little compassion?

CLAIMS ADMINISTRATOR:
(to the room)
This guy gave Mohamed Atta his box-
Cutter!

BOOS FROM THE ROOM. SHOUTS OF “TRAITOR!” AND “TERRORIST!”

KRAMER:
I’m a victim here!

CLAIMS ADMINISTRATOR:
You’d better get your box-cutting
behind outta here before I cut it
Myself.

KRAMER:
(pointing)
This isn’t over. Oh no.

THE CROWD THROWS PAPER AND COFFEE AT KRAMER AS HE EXITS.

INT. SUPPORT GROUP MEETING ROOM - DAY

SONNY SITS AMONG A DOZEN SURVIVORS.

MALE SURVIVOR:
We thought you must have died in the
collapse. How did you get out?!

SONNY:
Well you see, as the ground gave way
beneath me, I jumped at a moment JUST
SUCH that as I fell I floated between
the floors, ultimately landing softly
atop the rubble. I would have said
good bye, but by then I was quite
tired.

FEMALE SURVIVOR:
Carrying twelve people down eighty
flights of stairs. We couldn’t even
make out your face through all the
smoke. I can still hear you coughing
and sneezing.

SONNY:
Yes, the coughing, the sneezing. The
wheezing.

MALE SURVIVOR 2:
A brave cough. And a very distinctive
sneeze.

FEMALE SURVIVOR 2:
The sneeze stood out to me as well.

AGREEMENT FROM THE ROOM. “YES. THE SNEEZE.”

FEMALE SURVIVOR:
It was the sneeze of a hero.

SONNY:
(feigning modesty)
Well... yes.

MALE SURVIVOR 2:
(raising his coffee cup)
TO SONNY BRISKO!

INT. JERRY’S SAAB - NIGHT

JERRY IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT NEXT TO BECCA, HIS DATE.

BECCA:
I had a great time tonight. It’s so
nice to forget about this tragedy for
a few hours.

JERRY:
You’ve been volunteering at Ground
Zero all week; even the search dogs
deserve a night out. Send ‘em to Le
Cirque - I’ll pay!

BECCA:
You’re really sweet. See you soon?

JERRY:
Definitely.

BOTH SMILE AND LEAN IN FOR THE KISS UNTIL JERRY FREEZES. FROM
JERRY’S POV WE SEE A SPECK OF DUST IN BECCA’S TEETH. BECCA
OPENS HER EYES, CONFUSED, AS JERRY RECOILS.

BECCA:
...What?

UNSURE, JERRY AWKWARDLY MOTIONS TO HIS TEETH.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - DAY

JERRY AND ELAINE.

ELAINE:
You wouldn’t kiss her because of DUST?

JERRY:
It was all I could see! It was coming
at me like a 747! She said she
couldn’t date someone so petty.
What am I supposed to do? The entire
city is filthy now!

ELAINE:
This is NEW YORK you’re talking about.

JERRY:
This dust isn’t like other dust - this
is different dust.

ELAINE:
There’s no different dust.

JERRY:
Of course there’s different dust! This
isn’t subway dust or under-the-bed
dust, not even creepy-haunted-house
dust.

ELAINE:
What’s the difference?

JERRY:
IT’S DIFFERENT!

ELAINE RUNS HER FINGER ACROSS THE TABLE AND BLOWS THE RESIDUE
AT JERRY. HE FLINCHES AND PULLS HIS COLLAR UP AS A SHIELD.

SONNY ENTERS WEARING A FLASHY NEW BLAZER.

JERRY (CONT’D):
But then, why should I fear dust when
the real monster stands before us?

ELAINE:
Where’d that come from?

SONNY:
You like it? My survivors bought it
for me. Apparently I tore mine off and
used it as a tourniquet on one of
their legs. Debbie. No, maybe it was
Jan.

JERRY:
So strange that you’d forget.

KRAMER ENTERS.

JERRY (CONT’D):
Any luck?

KRAMER:
Nada! They kicked me to the curb like
an orphan begging for soup. See this
is how it starts, Jerry. An attack or
two, SURE, but the terrorists - they
make the country tear itself apart
from the INSIDE.

NEWMAN SPOTS KRAMER FROM THE HALL AND ENTERS WITH A FULL
POSTAL SACK.

NEWMAN:
Did you get it?

KRAMER:
They’re stonewalling me!

NEWMAN:
But I’ve got a fresh haul, ready to
go! Hello, Jerry.

JERRY:
Hello, Newman. What’s all this?

NEWMAN:
Castaways - from the Island of Misfit
Postage.

JERRY:
You’re opening people’s mail?

NEWMAN:
A Postal Officer would never dream of
it! We uphold a sacred vow to deliver
all parcels to their destination, or,
barring that, return them dutifully to
their origin. But, should the address
be illegible and no return sender made
known, well... MWAHAHAHA!

ELAINE:
You ever get anything good?

KRAMER:
Oh yeah. Last Easter we found an
envelope with 650 loose jelly beans.
That’ll keep your mojo flowing.

NEWMAN:
I’ve got a good feeling about this
lot. Open one.

KRAMER ATTEMPTS TO OPEN A BOX WITH HIS HANDS. HE FIGHTS THE
TAPE TO NO AVAIL, HIS BODY TWISTING UNTIL HE FALLS BACKWARDS
TO THE FLOOR. HE RISES AND SLAMS THE PACKAGE ON THE TABLE.

KRAMER:
THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!

NEWMAN:
Just use a key!

KRAMER:
What, are we BARBARIANS?! This box
doesn’t open until I have justice.

SONNY:
What are you gonna do?

INT. JACKIE CHILES’ OFFICE - DAY

JACKIE ON THE PHONE.

JACKIE:
A box-cutter? For cutting boxes?

INT. PHONEBOOTH - CONTINUOUS

KRAMER IN THE BOOTH.

KRAMER:
And they REFUSE to give me a new one!

INTERCUT JACKIE & KRAMER

JACKIE:
Why can’t YOU buy another box-cutter?
I can see three stores from my window
that sell box-cutters. Pharmacy -
bodega - HOME DEPOT!

KRAMER:
It’s the principle of the matter!

A LIKELY WIDOW BANGS ON THE GLASS AND HOLDS UP A PICTURE OF
A BANKER.

LIKELY WIDOW:
Please! Please, have you seen my
husband?!

KRAMER:
(deeply uncomfortable)
YEAH, NO ENGLISH!

JACKIE:
What’s that commotion? Where are you?

KRAMER:
A phone booth in TriBeCa.

JACKIE:
A phone booth? Whose phone booth? Why
are you calling me from a phone booth?

KRAMER:
In case my home wire’s tapped - I
don’t know how far up this goes!

JACKIE:
You’d better believe I don’t need that
kind of trouble, Kramer. It could be
detrimental - pernicious - INJURIOUS!

KRAMER:
C’mon, Jackie, I need you!

INT. JACKIE CHILES’ OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

JACKIE:
You’re on your own on this one,
Kramer. You call me again, you’re
getting slapped with a restraining
order. God Bless America.

JACKIE HANGS UP AND TURNS TO THE CLIENTS IN HIS OFFICE.

JACKIE (CONT’D):
My apologies, Gentlemen. Now, you say
you carried out certain services for
the United States Government?

THE TWO SAUDI SHEIKS SITTING ACROSS FROM JACKIE NOD.

MONTAGE - VARIOUS

ALAN JACKSON’S “WHERE WERE YOU” PLAYS.

A) INT. SUPPORT GROUP MEETING ROOM - DAY - SONNY COMFORTS
AND HUGS TEARFUL SURVIVORS.

B) INT. SUPPORT GROUP MEETING ROOM - LATER - THE SURVIVORS
PART TO ALLOW SONNY FIRST PICK OF COFFEE AND PASTRIES.

C) INT. SUPPORT GROUP MEETING ROOM - LATER - SONNY IS DRAPED
WITH A SASH READING “NYC’S GREATEST HERO”.

D) EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY - PASSERSBY APPLAUD SONNY AS HE WALKS
DOWN THE STREET, STILL WEARING THE SASH.

E) INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY - THE CLERK OFFERS SONNY A
COMPLIMENTARY TUB OF POPCORN AND, FROM UNDER THE COUNTER, A
XXX VHS.

F) INT. BAKERY - DAY - THE BAKER REFUSES PAYMENT FROM SONNY
FOR A BOX OF PASTRIES.

G) EXT. FIREHOUSE - DAY - THE FIREFIGHTER IN A SLING FROM
YANKEE STADIUM WASHES HIS TRUCK AS SONNY WALKS PAST. SONNY
SMILES AND TIPS HIS COFFEE AND PASTRY IN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AS
THE FIREFIGHTER LOOKS ON BEMUSED.

H) EXT. STATEN ISLAND FERRY - TWILIGHT - SONNY LOOKS UP IN
AWE FROM THE DECK AS THE FERRY PASSES THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.
UPON FINISHING HE PASTRY, HE WIPES HIS MOUTH WITH THE SASH.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

ELAINE AGAIN AT BRIAN’S BEDSIDE, SLOUCHED IN HER CHAIR.

BRIAN:
They had me in surgery last night to
put steel rods in my legs. I woke up
in the middle of it.

ELAINE:
OH MY GOD!

BRIAN:
I couldn’t feel anything, but I HEARD
Everything!

ELAINE:
Oh my God.

BRIAN:
There must have been a drill. VZING-
VZING! ZEEEEEeeeen. VZING-VZING-VZING!

ELAINE:
Look, Brian, I am OVERJOYED that you
survived this HORRIFIC event.

BRIAN:
Me too!

ELAINE:
But I’ve been thinking -

BRIAN:
Hold on, I wanna see this.

BRIAN TURNS UP THE TV.

TV REPORT - EXT. GROUND ZERO - CONTINUOUS

A REPORTER INTERVIEWS SONNY’S SURVIVORS.

MALE SURVIVOR:
We were trapped behind the flames,
praying for a quick death.

INTERCUT HOSPITAL ROOM & TV

BRIAN:
Hey! Those are my coworkers!

FEMALE SURVIVOR:
We’re only alive because of Mr.
Brisko.

SHE THRUSTS SONNY BEFORE THE CAMERA.

REPORTER:
Sonny, these people have called you
the bravest New Yorker to ever live.

SONNY:
Well, that’s not for me to decide…

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

BRIAN:
Wait a minute. That must be the man
who saved me!

EXT. GROUND ZERO - CONTINUOUS

AS THE REPORT WRAPS UP, A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, RACHEL, WALKS
OVER. SHE HOLDS A SINGLE ROSE.

RACHEL:
What you did was extraordinary.

SONNY:
Please. I really didn’t do anything.

RACHEL:
My husband died in the attacks.
(handing the rose to Sonny)
I’m Rachel.

INT. SONNY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

SONNY AND RACHEL KISS PASSIONATELY IN BED. SHE BREAKS.

RACHEL:
I’m sorry, I just can’t stop thinking
about what it must have been like
inside the towers. The smoke, the
flames. I can’t imagine.

SONNY:
Neither can I.

RACHEL:
...but, you were there.

SONNY:
...which is why I can’t “imagine.” I
can only “know.”

RACHEL:
I never thought I’d be with someone so
soon. I wonder if this is what Richard
would want.

SONNY:
We can never know for sure. But I DO
know he’d want you to be very happy.

RACHEL:
You’re a good man, Sonny Brisko.

THEY KISS PASSIONATELY.

END OF ACT I

ACT II

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - DAY

SONNY BEAMS FROM EAR TO EAR ACROSS THE KITCHEN ISLAND AS
JERRY LOOKS AT HIM SLACK-JAWED.

JERRY:
Come here.

SONNY LEANS IN. JERRY RUNS HIS HANDS OVER SONNY’S HEAD AND
LOOKS CLOSELY.

SONNY:
What?

JERRY:
There’s gotta be a hole or a flap
where your soul escaped. If we find it,
we can seal it while there’s still
something left.

SONNY:
I’m making people happy!

JERRY:
SHE’S A WIDOW! WE’RE PROBABLY
BREATHING IN HER HUSBAND RIGHT NOW!

ELAINE ENTERS.

SONNY:
Hey-hey!

ELAINE
(beaming ear-to-ear)
HI!

ELAINE SWINGS HER PURSE AND KNOCKS SONNY IN THE HEAD. HE
FALLS BACK ON THE COUCH.

SONNY:
WHAT THE HELL?!

ELAINE:
YOU STUPID, SNIVELING LITTLE HERO!
YOU’RE THE ONE WHO SAVED BRIAN’S LIFE!

SONNY:
What are you talking about? I didn’t
do anything!

ELAINE:
But the saint of a man you’re
PRETENDING to be did. Brian told me
the whole story. You were crawling on
your hands and knees -
(sound effects like Brian’s)
KERSH, KERSHHH - DRAGGING him through
FLAMES, when the building began to
shake. DUUUUUUUUGE. You both KNEW this
was it. Brian was terrified, but you
comforted him - like a JACKASS! You
told him he was going to make it and
that he had to promise to live every
day to the fullest, without an OUNCE
of fear or regret. He told me this
while lying in a hospital bed - IV’s
in his arms and steel in his legs. He
was crying. I WAS CRYING. THE ENTIRE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS CRYING.
And when a man who, by the grace of
God, survived the deadliest terror
attack in our nation’s history
PROPOSES TO YOU USING HIS HOSPITAL
WRIST BAND AS AN ENGAGEMENT RING,
(she raises her hand to show)
YOU DON’T SAY NO. YOU CAN’T SAY NO.
BECAUSE YOU. ARE NOT. A MONSTER!

INT. HARDWARE STORE - DAY

KRAMER PERUSES A SHELF UNTIL HE COMES ACROSS A BOX-CUTTER.
HE EXAMINES IT AND PUMPS HIS FIST IN SILENT DEFEAT - “THEY
GOT ME!” HE APPROACHES THE FRIENDLY CASHIER.

HARDWARE STORE CASHIER:
Box-cutter, huh?

KRAMER:
Oh yeah. You wouldn’t believe what
happened to my last one.

HARDWARE STORE CASHIER:
Go ahead - try me!

KRAMER NODS. HE’LL GIVE IT A GO.

EXT. HARDWARE STORE - DAY

KRAMER IS TOSSED TO THE CURB, FALLING INTO A PILE OF TRASH.

HARDWARE STORE CASHIER:
BURN IN HELL, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

KRAMER:
UNITED WE STAND!

INT. DRY CLEANERS - DAY

JERRY HANDS ALL OF HIS CLOTHES TO THE ATTENDANT.

ATTENDANT:
All of them?

JERRY:
All of them. What’s your deepest
clean?

ATTENDANT:
Deep Clean.

JERRY:
Anything deeper than that?

ATTENDANT
There are... ways, BUT BE WARNED -
your clothes will pay a terrible
price.

JERRY:
Let’s go with that.

A GROUP OF DUST-COVERED FIRST RESPONDERS WALKS IN.

ATTENDANT:
How are you, Gentlemen?! Please, right
to the front!

JERRY:
(nervous)
What’s going on?

ATTENDANT:
Free cleaning for all first
responders. The least we could do!

THE MEN DROP LOADS OF DUSTY CLOTHES RIGHT ON TOP OF JERRY’S
PILE. THEY TAKE OFF THEIR DUSTY JACKETS, BUMPING INTO JERRY
AS THEY DO. JERRY PANICS AND BACKS OUT THE DOOR.

ATTENDANT (CONT’D):
Hey, your ticket!

JERRY:
KEEP ‘EM!

INT. STEINBRENNER’S OFFICE - DAY

SONNY ENTERS, STEINBRENNER AT HIS DESK.

SONNY:
You wanted to see me, Sir?

STEINBRENNER:
Yes, Sonny, come in, come in. I have
to tell you, Sonny, I’m furious.
You’ve lied to us.

SONNY:
No, no Sir!

STEINBRENNER:
Dammit, Sonny, that’s another lie!
Here you are, pretending to be one
thing when you’re not it at all. You
should be ASHAMED!

SONNY:
(in tears)
You’re right. I’m sorry. I’M SO SORRY!

STEINBRENNER:
Sorry’s not gonna cut it, Sonny. Not
when you’re A HERO!

SONNY:
...huh?

STEINBRENNER:
I heard what you did at the World
Trade Center.
This whole time we thought you were
some sort of low-life, sniveling rat
person - the kind who’d cut another
man’s foot off to find the penny
inside. But look at you!

SONNY:
Well…

STEINBRENNER:
You know, I always knew you had a big
heart. Not too big, mind you,
reasonably big. You don’t want a heart
too large - that’s why we had to cut
Darryl Strawberry. Cocaine makes the
chest swell. Like my face this time I
went to Red Lobster. I’m not allergic
to shellfish - a bee stung me in the
restroom. That’s why we have such good
pest control in the stadium. No bugs
in the bathroom, Sonny! Hey, that
would be a good nickname for me. No-
Bugs-In-The-Bathroom-Sonny! We should
get T-shirts made. People love T-
shirts. You know, I’m not sure why we
do those T-shirt giveaways - we’re
losing money. I’m gonna reverse it.
Pay For Your Own T-shirt Day!
INT. MONK’S - DAY

JERRY WEARS A HOODIE, AVIATORS, SURGEON’S MASK, AND LEATHER
GLOVES. ELAINE WATCHES AS HE ADDS CREAM TO HIS COFFEE.

ELAINE:
Do you miss it?

JERRY PULLS DOWN HIS MASK.

JERRY:
Miss what?

ELAINE:
Peeing in jars on the top floor of
your casino.

SONNY ENTERS AND SITS NEXT TO ELAINE.

SONNY:
You are not going to believe this!
(turning to Elaine)
Hi.

ELAINE RECOILS AT SONNY’S TOUCH. SONNY EXAMINES JERRY.

SONNY (CONT’D):
What’s his deal?

ELAINE:
Who? OJ Kaczynski?

JERRY:
Dust.

SONNY:
Sure. Anyways, Steinbrenner calls me
into his office, tells me how proud
Nijisanji is of me.
He and Giuliani and planning this
banquet tomorrow night to honor the
heroes. He wants ME at the HEAD TABLE!

JERRY:
No, Sonny, NO! This has gone too far.
I’m putting an end to this!

ELAINE:
Alright, I’m in.

SONNY:
You are?

ELAINE:
I have to call off a fake engagement
because of you. I’m at least meeting
the mayor.

SONNY:
She’s in! Bring Brad along, too; he’s
had a rough week.

ELAINE:
Brian.

SONNY:
Whatever.

KRAMER ENTERS WITH A BULLHORN STRAPPED OVER HIS SHOULDER,
FOLLOWED BY KOOKS MARGE, BENNY, AND ARTHUR. THEY HOLD SIGNS.

KRAMER:
(into bullhorn)
There they are! Hey, Jerry!

JERRY:
Turn that thing off!

KRAMER:
Take a look! I’m not the only one who
had my compensation claim denied.
We’re taking on the system. Who’s with
Us?

JERRY:
Kramer, this is insane.

KRAMER:
Jerry, the real victims are being
forgotten! Marge here hasn’t been able
to concentrate on her scrapbooking
with all the sirens, and because of
the non-stop news coverage, Benny is
missing his game shows.

BENNY:
If I can’t watch Password, I’ll die.

ELAINE:
(re: Arthur)
What’s he demanding?

ARTHUR:
A full investigation, to prove that
government agents planned the attacks -

KRAMER:
Ta-ta-TA! We’re, uh, not in total
agreement on that one. But that
doesn’t mean we won’t fight for what’s
right!
(into bullhorn)
What do we want?!

KOOKS:
Justice!

KRAMER:
In what form do we want it?!

KOOKS:
Government checks!

AS THEY EXIT, KRAMER AIMS THE BULLHORN RIGHT AT THE CASHIER.

KRAMER:
What do we -

THE CASHIER RECOILS.

KRAMER (CONT’D):
(still into bullhorn)
Sorry.

SONNY:
I gotta find my tux. What are my
parents gonna say?!

INT. THE BriskoS’ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

SONNY STANDS BEFORE FRANK AND ESTELLE.

ESTELLE:
Mayor Giuliani?!

SONNY:
Can you believe it?!

FRANK GRABS PAPERS FROM AN END-TABLE DRAWER.

FRANK:
Show him my parking tickets. This
could be our one chance to have them
vacated.

ESTELLE:
What were YOU doing in the World Trade
Center?

SONNY:
...Getting lunch.

FRANK:
It doesn’t matter; our son is a hero!
Sonny, tomorrow night, I want you to
wear my helmet from Korea.

FRANK HANDS THE HELMET TO SONNY, WHO EXAMINES IT.

SONNY:
Is that blood?

FRANK:
From a lieutenant I accused of
cheating in a poker game. I was
Mistaken.

ESTELLE:
This is all very strange.

FRANK:
You’re worse than the terrorists!

ESTELLE:
Why was he getting lunch in the
Financial District at 8 o’clock in the
morning?!

FRANK:
YOU CAN EAT LUNCH WHEN YOU WANT TO IN
AMERICA. IT’S WHAT MAKES THIS COUNTRY
GREAT!

ESTELLE:
NO ONE EATS LUNCH THAT EARLY - YOU’RE
INSANE!

FRANK:
I’M A PATRIOT!

INT. SPA - DAY

A FRAZZLED JERRY, WEARING A WHITE ROBE, FOLLOWS A MASSEUSE.

MASSEUSE:
You seem a little high-strung.

JERRY:
Just a little.

MASSEUSE:
You’re here for the detox treatment?

JERRY:
Oh yeah, full detox. If it’s in me, I
want it out of me.

MASSEUSE:
You came to the right place. Let me
show you some of the products we’ll be
using. Witch hazel, grapefruit-infused
sea salt, our speciality mud mask…

JERRY:
Mud mask?

MASSEUSE:
Mmhmm! We use all-natural, local
ingredients. This mud was collected
from the shores of the Hudson River in
Battery Park this morning. Let me just
get my incense. I’ll be right back!

JERRY:
Uh-huh.

AS SHE EXITS THROUGH ONE DOOR, JERRY RACES OUT ANOTHER.

EXT. STREET - DAY

JERRY POWER WALKS DOWN THE STREET IN NOTHING BUT HIS ROBE,
BUMPING INTO PEOPLE AS HE GOES.
HE COMES TO A HALT AND GASPS WHEN HE ENCOUNTERS A WOMAN
SWEEPING HER STOOP.
HE TURNS AROUND TO FIND CONSTRUCTION WORKERS SHOVELING
GRAVEL, DUST BILLOWING FROM THE PILE.
HE LOOKS ACROSS THE STREET TO SEE THE DRY CLEANING ATTENDANT
OUTSIDE HIS SHOP. THE ATTENDANT WAVES CHEERILY TO JERRY AS
FIRST RESPONDERS THROW DUSTY COATS INTO HIS OPEN ARMS.
JERRY SCREAMS. HE SEARCHES FOR A SOLUTION. HE’S STANDING IN
FRONT OF AN OUTDOOR BISTRO. JERRY RIPS THE RED-AND-WHITE
TABLECLOTH FROM ONE OF THE TABLES AND WRAPS IT AROUND HIS
MOUTH AND HEAD FOR PROTECTION. THE RESTAURATEUR COMES OUT.

RESTAURATEUR:
What’s going on?
(pointing to Jerry)
TERRORIST!

JERRY SPRINTS AWAY AS PEOPLE SHOUT AFTER HIM. “TERRORIST!
TERRORIST!”

INT. BANQUET HALL RECEPTION AREA - NIGHT

A BANNER READS “HONORING OUR HEROS!” FORMAL ATTIRE. JERRY
MILLS ABOUT. HE’S APPROACHED BY UNCLE LEO.

UNCLE LEO:
Jerry! Hello!

JERRY:
Uncle Leo? What are you doing here?

UNCLE LEO:
Your Cousin Jeffrey was a hero in
Central Park! He tackled a Halal
vendor operating without a license.
You should let HIM give a speech!

KRAMER ENTERS.

KRAMER:
Hey.

JERRY:
Hey. Shouldn’t you be fighting the
Power?

KRAMER:
That’s on hold for now. Benny bought
some old Wheel Of Fortune tapes at
Coney Island.
And Arthur, well, three men in suits
walked over, PICKED HIM UP by the
shoulders, and tossed him in a black
van. We may not be seeing him for...
quite some time.

JERRY:
The struggle goes on.

INT. MAIN HALL - NIGHT

SONNYGLAD HANDS WITH SURVIVORS AND DIGNITARIES.

DIGNITARY:
Is it true you kicked through a
concrete wall while your shoes were on
fire?

SONNY:
If they say it is!

ELAINE WHEELS BRIAN UP TO THEIR TABLE. SONNY JOINS.

SONNY (CONT’D):
THERE HE IS - BRIAN!
(shaking his hand)
So great to meet you!

BRIAN:
We’ve already met!

SONNY:
SURE! We’ll talk later.

SONNY WALKS OFF. BRIAN TURNS TO ELAINE.

BRIAN:
Saved by your best friend so I could
marry you. It has to be fate.
Like God looking down on all of us.
(Heavenly revelation sound)
WAAAAAAAAAAA!

ELAINE:
Oh, it was... definitely something.

ELAINE TAKES A BIG SIP OF WINE.

INT. HALL CORNER - NIGHT

KRAMER GRABS HORS D’OEUVRES FROM WAITERS’ TRAYS. AS HE TRIES
TO REACH FOR A TRAY THAT IS PASSING HIM BY, ANOTHER WAITER
BUMPS INTO HIM, KNOCKING KRAMER THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOORS.

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

KRAMER SMACKS UP AGAINST THE WALL OF THE KITCHEN. HE SPOTS A
CHEF USING A SHARP KNIFE TO FILET SALMON. KRAMER GETS A
TWINKLE IN HIS EYE. THE CHEF NOTICES KRAMER.

KRAMER:
Howdy.

INT. MAIN HALL - NIGHT

A SPEAKER STANDS AT THE LECTERN.

SPEAKER:
While we mourn the loss of countless
lives, we celebrate the very best in
humanity that this event has brought
to the forefront. Please welcome our
first hero - Sonny Brisko!

APPLAUSE AS SONNY STANDS FROM THE TABLE. HE KISSES RACHEL,
WALKS TO THE LECTERN, AND HUGS THE SPEAKER.
KRAMER SLIDES INTO SONNY’S SEAT AT THE TABLE. HE SHOWS JERRY
THE KNIFE.

KRAMER:
Lookie what I found.

JERRY:
Where’d you get that?

KRAMER:
One of the cooks. I told him I’d get
Sonny to autograph his apron. This
oughta give the old Mastuyama a run
for it’s dinero!

SONNY:
(at the lectern)
Thank you, thank you. I probably don’t
deserve to be standing here tonight…

KRAMER PULLS A MANILA ENVELOPE FROM HIS JACKET POCKET.

KRAMER:
I brought one of the misfits along.
How bout a test drive?

JERRY:
Kramer, put it away.

KRAMER:
I wonder what’s in the mail today!

KRAMER SLICES THE TOP OF THE ENVELOPE. A BURST OF WHITE
POWDER COVERS HIS FACE. HE COUGHS. JERRY IS ALSO ENGULFED.

JERRY:
WHAT IS IT?! GET IT AWAY!

JERRY LEAPS FROM THE TABLE.

SONNY:
But if you say I’m a hero, well -

JERRY BLINDLY STUMBLES ONTO THE STAGE, BRUSHING HIMSELF.

JERRY:
GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!

JERRY BUMPS INTO SONNY, GETTING DUST IN HIS FACE. SONNY
SNIVELS AND LET’S OUT A GIANT SNEEZE.

AT THE SURVIVORS TABLE, ALL EYES GO WIDE. SOME DROP FORKS.

FEMALE SURVIVOR:
That’s not the sneeze of the man that
saved us.
(leaping up and pointing)
SONNY BRISKO IS AN IMPOSTER!

SURVIVORS STORM THE STAGE, COMING AFTER THE DUSTY SONNY.

SONNY:
NO! NO!

BRIAN LOOKS ON SHOCKED. ELAINE TAKES ANOTHER BIG SIP OF WINE
AND REMOVES HER RING, PLACING IT IN FRONT OF BRIAN.

ELAINE:
So maybe it wasn’t exactly FATE...

FADE OUT.

END OF EPISODE