a guest Jan 25th, 2019 64 Never
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- Hey everybody.
- So this is going to be a rant/update type post, and I will just be writing what I feel, so if you're interested in just knowing what's going on, I'll put a tl;dr (too lazy, didn't read) at the bottom, however if you're interested, feel free to read along.
- So the point of this is to address my inactivity on pokeverse, and my reasons behind so. I may repeat things, I tend to often do that, so just bear with me, I won't be going much over this twice as I just want to openly write.
- As some of you may know, I used to be a staff member on pokeverse, and that was an experience I cannot even begin to describe, because it was such an incredible opportunity, and ever since I resigned, I've known deep down that I want to become staff again, but at the time I just wasn't able to go on, mainly due to my anxiety and things happening in my own life, which was just too much for me, and at the time I was also beginning to loose interest, so it was just the overall best decision at the time. For the last 8-9 months I've been trying to still help out, but with me knowing I wasn't ready to become staff, and to be honest, I still don't know if I am, and that kind of scares me, because it's one of my dreams, and even though my rational side keeps saying "it's not as hard as you make it out to be, just go for it" I'm still just, so lost.
- Alot of you may already know this, but I suffer from autism, along with ocd, tourette syndrome and anxiety. My life is different from that of most people, I cannot handle being with alot of people for long, so my school years was very rough from 4th grade and up, and alot of the time I didn't even go to school, and I went to many different schools, I think in my entire life I've been to 5 different schools, plus home schooling twice for some time, but nothing worked too well. Back in march I was accepted onto a course for other kids with autism to be more social, to be in a place where people know how you feel, and to gain friends, and that course has been a success. I go there every wednesday and I love it, even though some of the times it's hard, I love the place. It's relatively small and just perfect for me, but at the start I was very nervous and it drained alot of my energy, and to make matters worse, before the second week, I had a very bad anxiety attack, that just blew up all of my anxiety that I at the time had very little of, which impacted my life very much. The sudden increase in anxiety lead to alot of energy being spendt, and it was ultimately what made me resign, to focus on my life and getting back up. For the last 8-9 months I have been doing so, and with the new year being upon us, I felt it was the time to turn things around for the better, so I've been working on my anxiety, and we even have found an area I can go to school at, which fits me very well, but it's not final, so I'm not sure. Point is that my life right now is still full of things, but not the same way they were when I resigned, and I think that soon I would be ready to join the staff team, but where I am right now, I fear for my future, and not just the immediate future, but for the next years, because I'll soon turn 18, and things will not be that easy. My disorders make me lack the ability to withstand a full time job, and even part time depending on the time, so I would not be able to make a natural income, to which I need help from the city hall, but that's an entirely different challenge in itself, but I won't go into details because I don't know everything myself, I just know this next year will be a fight, one which I need to face. With all of this, I really begin questioning my abilities to actually be on the team, and be the support expected, because that's what I want to do. Becoming staff is something I deeply dream for, but where I am, I'm afraid that I can't fulfill it, both due to my state of being, and my lack of interest in pixelmon overall, but if I even put aside the lack of interest, I'm very clueless about me being staff. It may be as easy as writing a few things, posting the application and seeing what happens, but I feel different, because of my prior experience.
- I don't doubt my abilities to help, as I've shown them in the past, what I really doubt is my capabilities to help the server itself, because of how my brain works. I am what I would like to call a thinker, rather than an executer, which means I think and plan alot, and have alot of ideas, but I just don't have the willpower to actually do them, which is a huge downside of me, because it means that larger scale projects, and even some smaller ones, would take me quite the time to finish, which means I'm not that great at building, and so I wouldn't be able to really build much, and that's something I feel is more or less necessary to become succesful, and again my rational side knows this is not true, but it was something that stuck with me a year ago too. When I was staff, I had quite a few projects, some of my own, and some server wise, all of which required building, and the only thing I ever did was part time work on one of the buildings for the build, and that was with the co-operation of another. That experience left me with just answering questions, which then didn't feel enough, because back then I thought what mattered was being promoted, and without my building experience, I was certain I would never reach senior moderator status. Thinking back of this, I was very naïve to think this way, as what ultimately matters is helping with what you can, no matter your rank, no matter what you can and can't do, and that's something I have now realized, and something I agree with, however my doubts are still there, and I doubt they will ever go away, because the goal of something is meant to be something ahead, not where you are right now, afterall then the challenge would be over, and it was far from over. However this is still something that affects me alot, and mixed in with my disabilities, I'm very worried that I can't be of enough help to call myself a "helper" or even more. I'm not gonna lie, my dream scenario would be staff approaching me and just inviting me onboard, aware of my disabilities, and us figuring out a way to allow me to help while still taking care of me, but I doubt that would happen, and even if it did, a straight invitation would not fly with me. I personally am very bad at taking help about things that involve me because of my disabilities, because I feel it's unfair to others, even though when you look at it, anybody that has trouble with something deserve help, no matter how much, because everybody deserves a chance in life, me included, but if I were to be invited on the team because of me having a hard time, it would feel like a slap in the face, because I don't want to be accepted out of pity, and it would feel like that, so no matter what I would submit an application and get accepted the right way, and if I knew I would immediately be accepted, it would again feel like a slap in the face, so it's very complicated. And even if all of that were to go in my favour, I still have my activity to deal with, which is surprisingly why I'm gonna be playing less, as I hope that by taking a break, I can come back later with a re-gained interest and then apply, because if I apply now and get accepted, I worry that I will resign within the next couple of months, which would just make me feel like a letdown, not only to staff, not only to players, but to the entire server. I really don't want to be known as "that one ex-staff member that applied, got accepted and resigned very quickly after" because that would just sit wrong with not only me, but any potential future staff that maybe doesn't know me as well, and would not accept me because "I would resign immediately after, or very shortly after" and I would miss my opportunity because I jumped the gun too quickly, so I will not be applying unless I feel I'm ready and dedicated, or if I knew that a special deal could be done with staff so when I apply for helper, they know my situation and they know what I can and can't do, so things would be better, and I can do my dream.
- TL;DR For those who are interested: I will not be playing as much due to my lack of interest, which I hope to get up so if I apply for staff, I can have more interest and hopefully stay, and because of where I am in life, I have things going on and things coming up, which may take alot of my energy.
- Thank you so much for reading, I really appreciate it.
- Best regards
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