the blogger formerly known as nydwracu sighed dramatically. nothing was going right. his day had been terrible. first work, which was terrible. then a train, which was terrible. then a train caught on fire, which was kind of cool, but also delayed everything, which was terrible. and now he was stuck on a bus in the middle of nowhere, which was very definitely terrible.
and then everything started to spin etc etc. some magic bus shit happened and the blogger formerly known as nydwracu ended up in middle-earth somehow, it doesn’t really matter how, the point of the story is just the blogger formerly known as nydwracu + legolas = adorable
the blogger formerly known as nydwracu crawled out from under burnt flakes of fallen bus, because manwe had a soft spot for really hot humans and/or really terrible humans and so he personally saved him from the crash that had reduced the bus and everyone else on it to a smoking pile of ash. manwe had plans to kill the blogger formerly known as nydwracu later in a spectacularly beautiful and creative way, but that’s a story for another time.
the blogger formerly known as nydwracu heard the sounds of very nearby battle as he sauntered casually away from what would have been the corpses of the people he’d spent the last hour with if there were any corpses left. since he was a noble and valiant warrior he immediately dashed in the direction of the clash, ready to save the day. 1.6 seconds later he burst into a gloomy, shadowed clearing where giant spiders surrounded a group of cowering elves.
“help!” the elves shouted (the blogger formerly known as nydwracu was totally able to understand them because manwe, in his great wisdom and lust, had blessed him with the gift of tongues or like something). “help us! our prince, the only one of us who stands a chance, was kidnapped in his sleep, and without him we will surely all perish!”
“haha chill,” said the blogger formerly known as nydwracu. he nodded at the vaguely humanoid lump of web dangling conveniently above the clearing. “sup, prince.”
he held out his hands and immediately the two best elves tossed him their swords. “thx” he said, and ran up a tree, stabbing lightly at any spiders nearby. he leapt agilely from branch to branch as the elves watched in awe (while they were being ripped apart by giant spiders), ascending like some sort of angel. the single ray of sunlight in that clearing followed him like a spotlight, tracing the stunning contours of his form as he moved and highlighting his flowing hair with gold.
when he reached the humanoid lump of web, he deftly cut prince legolas loose with a motion so graceful birds fell out of the sky from sheer jealousy. they locked eyes for one long, deep moment, each staring into the other’s very soul. legolas’s soul was very blonde and beautiful and for the blogger formerly known as nydwracu, it was like staring into a really pale, small sun. legolas couldn’t find a soul to stare at, but that was what his script said to do, so he tried really damn hard and did an excellent job of looking fantastic while he did it. then they simultaneously looked down at the cowering elves who were now in many pieces and hopefully dead, then back at each other, and this time they locked eyes knowing they shared the bond of the being the only competent people in a world full of cowering elves. sighing and smirking, each gracefully gripped a strand of web and slid down like they do in the movies.
they landed like angels, and if any of the cowering elves had been left alive, their souls would have instantly departed their bodies because the grace of that landing was just too much for the elven mind to behold. swords flashing dramatically in the only light there, they whirled around the clearing, slashing spiders as easily as dancing.
when all the spiders were dead, they were still so caught up in the excitement of the battle that they found themselves fighting each other in the most graceful duel imaginable—no, in a duel so graceful it was beyond all imagining. legolas was like a living beam of sunlight, shimmering gold, dancing faster than the eye could follow in a spectacular pattern of light, his lithe body bending dramatically but never so much it was disturbing. the blogger was like his mirror image, a dark shadow illuminated by just a sliver of reflected light. he darted quickly from attack to attack with smooth, precise motions, fluidly graceful and deadly as a shark (at least when it’s in water).
their swords tangled, their steps synchronized, they dueled until the sun began to set. finally, after hours of beautiful battle, legolas disarmed the blogger. the orange glow of sunset traced the path of his sword as it flipped end over end across the clearing. “i suppose we both knew it would end this way,” legolas said, his sword at the blogger’s throat. “surrender.”
“i love you” proclaimed the blogger formerly known as nydwracu. legolas lowered his sword a few inches in shock and the blogger took the opportunity to lean forward and kiss him. the cool evening breeze swirled their hair together in a stunning river of glorious silver-blonde and, uh, brown, as they kissed, and the sword legolas still held cut into the blogger’s chest. after just a moment the blogger pulled back and smirked at legolas. “what, are you surprised?”
“ur pretty cute” said legolas. he tossed away his sword and leaned in to kiss the blogger, who literally swept him off his feet and kissed him fairy-tale style while a choir of angels sang in the background.