Monika Needs a Bath! (Comedy, 1,129 words)

>Almost time for bed
>Your wife places her oily hand in yours once again
>You've had enough of this - you can't make love one more night this way
>She's coated in a crust of grime
>Her hair is a shiny, greasy bird's nest
>She's exactly one shade darker than she's supposed to be
>"Monika, it's been 5 days. You need a bath."
>Your wife shakes her head, looking at you most mischievously
>"No," she says
>"Yes."
>No! she speaks with an exclamation point!
>Yes! You remind her you can use exclamation points, too!
>And you don't need quotation marks, either!
>You escort her toward the upstairs bathroom!
>Monika escapes your grasp!
>Monika is loose! Monika is loose at bathtime!
>There she goes, down the stairs!
>Monika leaves a trail of filth, dust, and dirt wherever she goes now!
>It's like the Charlie Brown character! Yes, you know the one! Pig-Pen!
>Monika revels in filth!
>You need to go after her or she'll filthify the whole house!
>Leaping down the stairs three at a time to look for Monika!
>Over here, Anon!
>She's standing on the kitchen table!
>Monika, get down from there!
>I exercise my free will to do this, Monika says! Deprive me not of my free will!
>Monika, if you fall you'll break a limb!
>Monika leaps from the table to the tile floor! She lands like a cat and takes off running!
>Monika, get back here!
>She's heading to the living room!
>Monika, don't climb on the furniture like that! You're getting the couch dirty!
>The floor is lava, Anon!
>The floor is not lava, Monika!
>Monika leaps from setpiece to setpiece, dirtying every cushion she touches!
>She stomps on some of your papers just for fun!
>Come on, Monika! Those were for the writing contest! At least take your sandals off!
>Monika kicks them off! Directly upward!
>The sandals stick to ceiling! Gum, grime, and gunk must've given the soles glue-like properties!
>You'd better get a ladder and get those down right now, Monika!
>Monika makes that snide know-it-all face of hers again! The face you married her for!
>She grips the wall with the palms of her hands and the toes of her feet!
>Monika skitters up the wall like a gecko, leaving a trail of filthy handprints as she goes!
>Every attachment and detachment of her hands produces a suction-like "squrrtch" sound!
>Good God, Monika!
>She ventures onto the ceiling, squrrtching all the way!
>Her hair trails down into a complete mess! Her upside-down face is still overwhelmingly know-it-all in expression!
>You wanted these? she asks, dropping her sandals to bop you on the head!
>She then skitters toward the front door!
>Monika, no! What will the neighbors say?!
>She tries to grab the doorknob from the ceiling! She can't reach!
>Monika tries to stand on two legs upside-down on the ceiling! The suction from the glue-like filth on her feet isn't enough! She tumbles to the floor in a heap!
>Monika stands up, whips her hair back, rolls her eyes, and smiles as if nothing happened!
>Then she exits in a trail of dust, challenging you to catch her!
>Maybe it's not worth it! Maybe you should let her go! Maybe Monika will just be "Filthy Monika" for the rest of your life!
>... No! You'll give her a bath so she can wear her wedding dress once more on your anniversary and not have to pay $300 to get it dry-cleaned!
>That's the goal! It's important to have goals!
>By the time you follow her out of the house, she's out of sight!
>Anon!
>It's dark out! You can't see where she's calling to you from!
>Up here, Anon!
>She's standing on top of a telephone pole adjacent to the front yard!
>Jesus Christ, Monika!
>Come catch me, she calls!
>I don't want to die, you call back!
>I'll make it easier for you!
>Oh n-
>Monika leaps from the telephone pole, arms outstretched!
>A humongous plume of dust and dirt stretches loosely behind her!
>It acts as a parachute!
>A really bad parachute! Monika slams into the lawn face-first!
>Monika, are y-
>She leaps up! Oh, thank God!
>And starts running again! Oh, for Christ's sake!
>Monika flees toward the line of rose bushes that divides your yard from your neighbor's!
>Monika, don't go through those bushes!
>Ouch! Ouchy ouch ouch!
>The thorns shred her shirt! It rips completely off, victim of 999 or more needles!
>She emerges on the neighbor's side, half-naked and bloodstained but alive!
>Come get me, Anon!
>Screw that, you'll just go around the bushes, thanks!
>Trespassing on your neighbor's lawn!
>By the time you reach the other side where Monika was, there's no sign of her!
>Anon!
>Monika's back on your house's side of the bushes! The second trip through the thorny rosebushes ripped her skirt off and ruined her leggings!
>She's covered from head to toe in blood now, too! With all the dirt emanating from her, it's a surprise she hasn't yet succumbed to septic shock!
>Monika, you need a bath now more than ever!
>I don't feel like taking a bath, Monika says!
>Don't feel like it?!
>You ball your fists and smash your way through the rose bushes!
>Monika again flees, this time limping on all fours! She must be getting weak from all the slamming into the ground and whatnot!
>You follow!
>She begins to climb the vinyl siding with her hands! Squrrtch! squrrtch! squrrtch!
>You can't follow her up there! You bite your lips!
>Monika stands on the roof! Triumphant!
>I'm free, she cries! Free to take a bath or not! Free to be clean or not! I choose! I am the alpha, the omega selector! Behold, here is my choice! No baths! If there is not yet a no-baths route in this miserable life, then I will create my own! We'll create it together, Anon!
>...
>... Wrong!
>You blast Monika with the garden hose! The extra-high-pressure setting!
>Monika tumbles off the roof and plummets to the ground! You keep shooting her with water!
>At first you didn't think it would, but the dust comes off! As does the dirt! As does the grime! And the blood! As does...!
>The nut-brown color of her hair. It becomes paler and paler. Lighter and lighter.
>You shut the hose off.
>Monika, bruised and nearly naked, gazes up at you with one blue eye.
>You're not..."
>She grins her horrifying grin.
>"I'm... white..." she gurgles, then skitters away on all fours toward the street.
>She looks back at you from beneath a streetlight, removes her undergarments, and disappears naked into the dark.
>On the tag of the rumpled undergarments you find a note in clumsy handwriting.















































































































I GIVE YOUR WIFE BACK VERY SOON