The Inner Emotion

Hi my name is Saiyanz

All though this may be a (in the moment) mood I may be in, I feel like i just need to let go of so much tension holding me in. It may not be no war story and I am never explaining my past as its too deep to go into but I will speak of current issues which have been bothering me.

It's been nearly a year since I have started streaming and speedrunning, I recently hit 1000 followers on twitch which is an incredible achievement which has raised my spirits in many ways. But I keep storing away the issues in life which has changed which all though it happens its something i'm not currently comfortable or use to which is causing my (mood swings) or saltyness to come from.

As the year has been on I feel different around my friends compared to what I once felt, it may be due to growing up or due to me taking a different approach with my gaming or due to the fact i'm out of school now. They may not think so but things have happened throughout the year which has caused my friendship with people to feather and stretch to the point where things don't feel the same when they once were.

Now this may sounds lame and not much of an issue to some people but my approach with women has changed alot aswell, all though i'm no hunk or lovebird with the ladies. Throughout 2012/13 I met some nice girls over the year and got to know them personally and meet up with them quite frequently. But since February 2013 since I started streaming I have not been on a date or had anything serious with any girl. Which bothers me as in the end us humans crave attention of some sort, and we would like someone to care for us its natural, I just wish I could get to meet someone and get to know them and all though may not turn out so well try to grow a relationship with someone so I have someone to care about and a (sounds bad) but hobby outside of my gaming life.

My 3d issue is that I have turned 18 and I graduated from school 2 years ago! Last year I completed my Diploma in Digital Interactive Media, but it has been 4 years since I have had a legimate paying job. I've spent the last 4 years applying to hundreds of places with hundreds of resumes all over but I never get a call back or any expression of interest.

I just feel like everything i'm wanting in life is always a huge goal nothing is coming easy to me like it does with so many others All though that is what life is about I tend to lose purpose of it. I know and all though it may not be true I start to criticize myself. But who can blame me, when nothing is going your way you tend to think about if it's your own fault for it happening.

I try to give people advice due to my rough past and how to get through it but I feel like i'm falling into a pit of no positive future and i'm trying so hard to prevent it and make for a more natural and happy lifestyle but I worry if time continues on like this I will crack and lose it all.

Maybe the saying of 'The Grass is always greener of the otherside' means you need to venture out and nurture the grass to be green with your own commitments and true values but honestly I feel like I have been trying it but something is not connecting I am not finding a rhythym of consistentcy and I know life is not meant to be repetitive but I wish to have more positive things to fall back on then just speedrunning, because I feel like at the moment its all I have which can make me happy but its doing the polar opposite of that when things don't go my way when it comes to the game.

I wanted to make this pastebin this is not edited thoroughly this is all flow of packed in emotions spurting out into a pastebin. I just need to let out some of my sorrow, not craving sympothy but just so people know what I mean when I say 'This is not like me to act this way' because over the year I have lost my true personallity and I want to be liked for being me and not something I may hate.

I also think what has brought me over the edge is that I am trying to reach my goals with 1.5 but also want to venture and improve other things aswell as the 1K Special having to relearn 5+ games and the Aqua Crit Tournament I have allowed this to overflow which has caused me to stress out into this state. I will try to work on a method. I am not announcing my retirement from speedrunning in any way as of yet but what I want to tell you guys is that I do tend to be very indecisive on if the path I have chosen with life is the correct one and in real life issues tend to open my eyes to an alternative path and if it needs to be taken regardless if im not comfortable with doing so.

I may in the future make a pastebin more on why I am who I am with deep depression and anxiety overflow issues. But I don't feel comfortable or ready to open up about issues like that.