Feels post level over 9000.
I'll post in here too.
Figured I'd post this before I head to work for my 8 day shift.
This photo is the last one I have of my fiance and unborn daughter. That following morning, at about 0100 on 1/15/2018, she took her own life with a gun that I gifted to her for protection in our house drive way. I heard the gun shot and ran outside to see what it was to only see her slump over in her Jeep.
The horror of this entire thing is something I wouldn't wish on ISIS members. No one deserves to see what I saw.

Though battling the extreme depression of the entire thing, I had gotten to the point where I put a loaded gun to my head, I had every desire to pull that trigger, the depression would stop, the pain, the miserable existence of life that I came to know would be over. But obviously I didn't. I didn't because I didn't want to put my family though the fucking horror that I am going though. A pain that I can't describe in words, only tears and agony.

I couldn't find anything to feel any desire to live, so I searched and searched, until I found my current job, which she had actually gonna into as a kid. Right now I work with problematic kids that suffer from drug abuse, suicidal thoughts, any many more things.

I don't have a desire to live for myself anymore, plain and simple. My reason for myself to continue was taken away when that gun went off. However, I use my life to help others. Others have value in my life, and it's makes me feel better. I'll never feel complete and like I did before, but this helps.

What I'm trying to say is that suicide causes nothing but pain, even when you're gone, it's the ones who are left that feel your pain 10x over. All we're left with are "what if" thoughts. And they fucking suck. They're nothing but pain, pain that will never go away. Answers that will never be answered.

If you're feeling suicidal, and you just want to leave, try to remember that what you're feeling CAN be helped with. There are so many resources out there for you, veteran and activate and civis alike.

If nothing else, fucking message me. I don't care how long I have to drive I'll show up to your house 1000s of miles away if I need to. Message me, call me, I don't care. At least reach out to someone. Someone cares. Someone wants you to be here.

No one wants to go to your funeral, especially your loved ones.

Feels post over. Have a great night scum bags.