Big Trouble in Big Chinatown

Arthur Prescott Pottington woke up feeling rather drained. Even though he woke up right on schedule at 4:01 AM on the dot (not a minute too early at 4:00 AM or worse a scandalous minute too late at 4:02 AM as if he were a Spanish drug addict) and went through the proper rituals of brushing his teeth 6 times clockwise and 7 times counter clockwise until his gums bleed, proceeding to  floss harder still, shave his face and comb his hair until it is slicked back like so and put on his attire of a white dress shirt a blue tie (a colour that suits his support for the Conservative party as well as not appearing on  he barbaric flag of communist China) black pants with a belt with a silver buckle (he would not want to have golden yellow  as that would remind him of the skin colour of the shifty eyed orientals) a light brown tweed jacket with dark brown elbow cuffs blue socks and black loafers he still felt off guard. Arthur had been at the top of his game as a China-watcher since the late 1990s when he wrote his first editorial in the Daily Mail calling  John Major a communist who is easily manipulated by Asiatic whores for the decision  to  give Hong Kong to Red China (of course he would’ve said much the same if it had been given to Taiwan or granted independence but it’s best not to let the racial hoxhaists know that). Arthur laughed at how much he let the degenerate Marxists liberals know his honest beliefs back then before he became wise to the code words needed to get them to become receptive to his point of view, he has since went on to write for not only all major conservative news outlets owned by the Murdochs but also the New York Times the Washington Post the Atlantic and the Guardian on China and national security related issues, he even had a regular job giving China analysis one CNN in America, truly helping the world see that the rise of the Chinese dragon is a bipartisan issue even for committed Maoists like Barack Obama.  But unfortunately after his December 2019 piece on how One Belt One Road was not in fact a plan for mutual development like the Shifty eyed Chinks of Peking claim but instead a plot to kill the entire black population of Africa (as if he would care about those dark skinned apes but he knew how to write for his Leninist Guardian reading audience) and another from March 2020 blasting Boris Johnson and Donald Trump both for not following the advice of Patriotic experts like the scientists at Imperial College London in locking down their nation’s from the deadly Wuhan violence but also for not immediacy launching a joint nuclear strike on Beijing to retaliate for this biological warfare (an article he thankfully did agree with in full) he seems to have hit a wall inspiration wise. He has not been able to think of a new fear mongering article related to China for months despite the ongoing global pandemic they caused to kill all the non-Asiatics!

 Thankfully Lord Rockford sent him a gift for just this occasion when he wrote of him related to to these woes when that Fenian Socialist bastard Joe Biden won the 2020 election. Lord Rockford told him “Biden May be a Taig and a Anarcho-Communist but he’s OUR Taig and OUR Anarcho-Communist. Trust the plan, speaking of which we need a new article to prep a war with China should we choose to go in that direction so I will send you what you need to overcome your writers block.” Arthur grabbed what appeared to be a black virtual reality headset with the words “Rockford Saxon Heritage Project” written proudly on them with silver letters. Arthur put on The headset and an image of Lord Rockford gave him a prerecorded message “If you are wearing this and have not had your brain’s fried that means you are of Anglo-Teutonic stock and are of an acceptable bloodline. Congratulations! Now onto business this machine will scan your skull shape and brain to first determine what troubles you are having and then allow you to view the world from the perspective of the experiences of the correct ancestor on your illustrious family tree to help inspire you for a solution, enjoy your trip down memory lane.”

Henry-Lloyd Bancroft Pottington III woke up, the year was 1838 and the Empire was in trouble. The Barbaric Heathen Chinamen of the Qing Dynasty have rejected all offers of free trade with her Majesty’s Empire because supposedly nothing in the Empire is of interest to the Head Chinaman the Qing Emperor. He paced about his luxurious cabin and eventually decided before he can think to a solution he would need to be dressed so he rung his bell and yelled “Coolie get your rice eating arse over here” and out popped out a miserable poor Cantonese fisherman named Wang Hai that Pottington graciously granted the honor of serving him. “What’s wrong Sir Pottington” the Coolie struggled to utter without slipping into the Ching Chong tongue of his homeland. “It is 4:01 AM, the time you’re supposed to dress me” the asiatic oaf confusedly replied “Yes and I take punctuality very seriously as it is a virtue among my people therefore I am here to dress you now sir” Pottington shook his head “Just the type of excuse id expect from a racial retard  such as  yourself, if you are to serve an excellent official of her majesty the Queen like myself you must endeavor for true excellence which would mean arriving at least 15 minutes early, we will discuss your punishment after you dress me” dejected the oriental  simpleton began to dress the good officer Pottington in his noble attire: a white dress shirt, a blue  bow tie to represent his loyalty to the Conservative party and the Queen, a sensible black vest a black tailed-coat black dress pants and black dress shoes as well as his monocle. When Henry-Lloyd felt himself properly dressed he ordered for Hai’s 16 year old daughter and fellow Coolie Wang Ju and forcibly performed upon her acts remiscent of what will happen on the island of little saint James in our own time in front of her fathers eyes as a justified punishment for his refusal to adapt to the British culture of what would eventually become Hong Kong.

After having his way with the celestial slut Henry-Lloyd began thinking of how to solve her Majesty’s predicament. Of course the obvious answer would be to take China as a colony for the British empire as had been done with India. The problem however was finding the excuse needed to justify this lengthy and expensive war to the Democrat mob of  the British public who supported that radical Jacobin William Wilberforce’s recent dastardly plan to abolish slavery in the British Empire. Of course even an idea that the social radicals in Britain accepted as virtuous was the  idea of free trade so perhaps he  would have to diverse a way to convince them the Qing Emperor stood in the way of Adam Smith’s noble invisible hand. Now the reason he found himself in this predicament in the first place was that the ungrateful Chinese didn’t want to buy any British goods but then he looked across at a pipe and some opium he had picked up while docked  in Assam and the divine light of inspiration from the White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Spirit hit him he knew what to do. Henry-Lloyd grabbed the pipe opium and a match and set off from the ship to the docks to set things in motion.

Pottington set out onto the smelly and unpleasant docks of Xin’an where dogs and cats where likely eaten daily by the savage yellow faces he saw all around him. He waited until he spotted a bright and energetic looking young Confucian scholar who might perhaps understand enough of the Queen’s English to make the transaction. Henry-Lloyd approached the Mandrin and said “Would you be interested in observing a new product from the West?” The Mandrin replied “Ah you’re an Englishman right? Most of my classmates believe we don’t need to study the ways of those outside the Middle Kingdom because they believe you to be barbarians but I am somewhat more open minded and believe it may be wise to observe all ways under Heaven I am pleased to be able to have this cultural exchange with you” Henry-Lloyd contained his ability to scream at the yellow menace’s  clear desire to exterminate white Protestant Christendom from the face of the earth and said “I am also pleased to have this exchange with you” he pulled out the pipe and opium “would you Like to try this custom  it is popular in England” the scholar rudely  shook his head “Confucius tells us not to cloud our minds as it prevents us from performing at our best mental capacity perhaps you can take this wisdom back with you to your country” Henry-Lloyd reasonably muttered “for bloody fuck’s sake” and stoically shoved the opium pipe into the Chinamans mouth, pinning him to the wall of a merchants stall with his hand and stepping on his effeminate robe to prevent him from moving away. A few of the Port’s Guardsmen oppressively began making their way towards the situation to stop the “assault”  Henry-Lloyd pretends to panic and screamed that they were interrupting a legitimate business interaction of s foreign national  as they dragged him away internally smiling because his plan was being set into motion. A few wars latter and this very port would become British Hong Kong.

Arthur Prescott removed the Rockford device feeling inspired by the muses of the white man’s burden. Of course looking into the memories of the very man who inspired him to become a Chinawatcher in the first place would be a tremendous help!  He did a quick google search on the legality of cannabis in the People’s Republic of China and just as he expected it was far more restrictive than the laws in the United States or even the United Kingdom. Now he knew that the Loony Leftists loved nothing more than their precious marijuana and perhaps this would be a unique new angle to exploit to finally get them on board with a full scale war with China, he set out to write his latest article.