A theif, thief, teif, I before e except after C, thceif, no,

Sex is cool but have you ever had the entire row of an airplane to yourself,

Will you date me, breathe if yes, recite the bible in japanese if no,

It’s very hard to make friends as an adult because once you’re an adult you’ve realized you hate everyone,

Me, sliding 10 dollars to bartender, I’ll have the usual, bartender gives me a hug,

If anyone is planning any illegal activities tonight let me know, I love doing crimes,

Just met with your mom this morning, she is a very nice person, N, gay,

Why everyone so mad, lol chill hashtag goo-che gang,

It’s hella weird how everyone sleeps differently, like I sleep on my side my ex sleeps with everyone and y’all sleep on me,

Spirit airlines just offered me a 1 way ticket to miami for 23 dollars nigga how, you gon be the pilot,

Sobbing, my 11 year old just asked me to play my 80’s playlist by saying mama can we hear those weird songs from the nineteen hundreds, brb making a playlist called weird songs from the nineteen hundreds,

Finds dead body in wailing woods, logan paul does fortnite in real life,

Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins, my dad who’s been missing for 12 years, hey whatcha watchin,

Wanna fuck, yeah, but we gotta go fast, ha-ha, get it, don’t screenshot this,

If you live to be 100 you should make up some fake reason why just to fuck with people, like claim you ate a pinecone every single day,

Me versus you, fancy rat, dumbo rat,

The barnacle has the largest penis in the animal kingdom when compared with its size, please stop calling me the barnacle,

Roses are red, they have great deals, McDonald’s employee fired for putting his mixtapes in happy meals,

Friend, remember women love confidence, me, okay, later, date, so, smiles, am I gonna have a good time tonight, me confidently, nope,

Warning, adblock makes you unattractive to women, I just installed it and now all the horny singles in my area have suddenly lost interest,

Friend, so how are you, me, I’m well thanks, friend, what’s new, me, not much, friend, well what have you been up to, me, why are you doing this to me,

Tell me I’m your national treasure,

Me, can I use the restroom, teacher, I don’t know can you, shits on the table,

You’re so cute, no you, yo’re so cte,

It’s always the one you least expect, sexual predator,

a t and T notifications, you used all your shared plan data for this bill period, steamed hams but it’s 10 hours long,

Dentist, your teeth are so white, her, how white are they, teeth, let’s play ultimate frisbee, dentist, pretty freaking white,

Do you recognize this man, yeh might do,

Pill drop, drop top, zip zop zoobity bop,

When you get paid for 40 hours but you spent 20 hours of that looking at memes,

I didn’t come in 15 minutes so she’s legally allowed to leave,

Breathing heavily after sex, her, so it was good huh, him, no I’m just really unfit,

When you show her your memes, I know you’re wet bitch,

Red hot chili peppers, californiacation official music video,

When the school librarian catches someone eating in the library,

When you’re hitting it from behind and she moans colonization of mars can be achieved in the next 30 years,

Roses are red, violets transcend, life ain’t all burritos and strippers my friend,

Me watching the phone ring until I miss the call,

Before, after, in only 6 weeks of drinking fit tea robert lost 500 dollars,

When the easy A class start getting a little tough,

Judge, I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison, me, whispers to my lawyer, lawyer, my client has requested you add 1 more year,

When your mom asks for a picture of your grades,

If the judge doesn’t show up in 15 minutes you’re legally allowed to leave,

So the neighbor just sent my dad a message on facebook, I’m tired of being scared of whatever is in your kid’s creepy window,

Honey I’m bringing you a quesadilla, damnit helen I don’t need a whole case of them, one dilla is plenty,

Amazon CEO went from I sell books versus I sell whatever the fuck I want, 1998, 2017,

Me not texting back versus me not getting texted back,

Me after a long day of ruining my own life,

What day is today asked pooh, it’s the day we burn this motherfucker to the ground squeaked piglet, my favorite day said pooh,

What you doing sexy, laying down, yes without you, no you can’t join, no you can’t can’t call me, yes I know I’m mean, bye, I was getting food, tryna see if you’re hungry, aw dang I’m sorry, yeah I can eat boo, eat a dick bitch,

When your car makes a weird noise, nervous,

Guy, this is a tough position to fill I had to fire 2 people before, lady, because they sucked, guy, no because they didn’t, lady, what, guy, what,

Pst, hey kid you wanna buy some drugs,
I asked my mom if by any chance I was adopted, she replied, hilarious why would we choose you,

Me, okay I’m going to sleep now, random thoughts and anxiety,

Crystal snorted marijuanas once, just 18 months later she was pregnant, just a coincidence, weed ruins lives, say no to drugs,

When she asks you to choke her and you get carried away because she pisses you off,

If the other army doesn’t show up in 15 minutes we’re legally allowed to leave,

You better hope thanos doesn’t find the flavor stone,

 When you’re at your funeral and no one mentions your fortnite wins,

I go upstairs for 2 mins,

Me, my wife left me I lost my job life sucks what am I doing wrong, dentist, rips off therapist costume, it’s because you don’t floss,

Are you from korea, because you could be my seoul mate, korean translator, fuck you, big head, bitch, do not contact me again,

At american air rowdy shirtless man disrupts pleasant flight, your comments concern us, please DM more details we’d like to take a close look, haven’t boarded the flight yet, I’ll let you know how it goes once I pop my shirt off,

Boss, this is the third time you’ve been late to work this week, do you know what that means, me, it’s wednesday,

If the resident doesn’t show up in 15 milliseconds I’m legally allowed to leave,

when you get roasted by the weakest dude in the squad,

When you try and unload the dishwasher right after it finished and you get third degree burns from a spoon,

Me after writing the date and my name on my assignment,

Issa squad north 15 north 15, bro they rushin they rushing, build build, he gotta scar,

90’s hoverboards, gym class used be lit whenever the teacher pulled these out,
Me, I’m never drinking ever again, gets a text message, you coming out tonight, me,

Hey bill could you pose for a picture, of course frank, what are you gonna use it for, erectile dysfunction,

Wait a minute, this isn’t tennis, this is anal sex,the old switcharoo,

Hard to swallow pills, literally any pills this isn’t a metaphor I just hate swallowing pills,

One of life’s greatest mysteries, what idiot called it a vet instead of a dogtor,

Chinese man pickpockets iPhone off moving bicyclist using chopsticks, pickpocket 100,

I have to stop spending excess money on food but I, be, so, damn, hungry,

emailing my english professor and trying to be formal so she’ll give me an extensions, as william shakespeare once said, hello,

Madagascar, gas car,

Me at work, I don’t fuck with y’all,

When your chick foreign and you just tryna adapt,

Ight so, who had the most juice, drake had all his exes and current girl in the same house all agreeing that he was the best kisser they ever had, if that ain’t juice I don’t know what is,

When you’re in public and hear someone shout your name so you pretend you didn’t hear it cause you’re socially awkward,

Bed, girlfriend, am I bad girl, me, yeah you’re a bad girl, girlfriend, oh yeah pulls me closer so how bad am I, me, remembering she said she didn’t want dessert and then ate my dessert, you’re a fucking nightmare tbh linda,

Me replying back to people .02 seconds after they text me,

Tarzan wasn't a virgin when he met jane he 100 percent clapped gorilla cheeks, albert einstein,

 How’s the hangover hun, me,

I’m punk so I must rebel, I’m asian so I must like maths, I dye my hair crazy colors so I must be looking for attention, I’m a mom so I must be gay,

Damn I look good, you look like a clean bella thorne,

Finally a restaurant that caters to my exquisite and evolved palate, sandwiches, pan seared babies, garbage, salt, boogers, grilled shit, baked undergarments, bees on wheat, balls on toast, apeburger, peep show, diarrhea soup, fried titties, myth of bacon, clit sammich, egg and beer queer, helicopter pie, hoagies, I’ll kill you, tan smoke, mixed fuck, vomit salad, pot brownies, cow legs, important shit, human guys, men stewed, heroin and water, fart storm, abortion waste,

You only see it the first time then never again,

Opens exam, reads first question,

Teacher, I don’t know where my class is, principal, hmm were you on time, teacher, actually no I was 15 minutes late, principal, looks like there’s nothing we can do,

Franklin leaks your personal information,

When you tell your friend to look at the person behind them but don’t make it obvious,

Do you know someone with kids, do you hate that person, frozen songbook with easy instructions,

Franklin launches a drone strike on civilians,

USA, china, india, italy,

Male pulled over for running a stop sign, male, I saw no stop sign, deputy, apparently, you didn’t stop, male, I was looking at my phone and didn’t see any stop signs so you can’t give me a ticket, deputy, I’ll be right back, yes this happened and no that’s not how it works,


Choose your fighter, big boy, beefmaster, bush goliath, bradley,