: What..do you mean do whatever he likes?
Suhon: You said that earlier today too..
Hokus: The way I had it in my head.
Hokus: Everyone was against me for being upset.
Hokus: So I said it as in, if he wants to do whatever, then do whatever.
Hokus: But that's now how i'm using it in this instance.
Suhon: I wasn't against you.
Hokus: You weren't against me.
Hokus: Only you.
Hokus: Me and Dad were screaming at eachother.
Suhon: ...I'm sorry..
Hokus: It's fine.
Suhon: ...No it's not.
Suhon: Why..was Dad screaming at you..?
Hokus: Because I was mad.
Hokus: And he thought I was being unreasonable.
Hokus: And that I was a "fucking idiot".
Suhon: How so?
Hokus: Because I was mad about the situation.
Hokus: Literally because I was pissed the fuck off, and apparently I was being a fucking idiot for being so upset. We're fine now though. But he screamed at me for almost fourty minutes about it, because I kept trying to explain to him how I felt and what I believed in, and he screamed at me instead.
Suhon: What..do you believe in..
Hokus: Do you even know what happened?
Hokus: Cause if not then it's not my place.
Hokus: And I'm gonna feel shitty.
Hokus: For not knowing.
Suhon: What..do you believe in.
Suhon: Tell me what you were trying to tell Dad..
Suhon: And don't be afraid to be blunt.
Hokus: You hid it from me, and then got fingerbang e-rp'd. I told Big Su. But he didnn't want to respond to it. In a way to me, that's cheating. It was intentionally hidden from me.
Hokus: But Dad screamed at me about it, for being 'unreasonable' and a 'fucking idiot'.
Hokus: I wound up deleting it, because I was contemplating just ghosting and not coming back, while I was feeling overwhelmed.
Suhon: Mhm..
Hokus: But I'm not mad about that any more.
Hokus: I just feel back burnered.
Suhon: Stabbed in the back.
Hokus: One sec.
Suhon: You sound like you are still mad though.
Hokus: I just feel back burnered. Like my feelings didn't actually matter.
Hokus: To anyone.
Suhon: ...
Suhon: Really..?
Suhon: Your feelings didn't matter to anyone.
Suhon: That's how you felt..
Hokus: For a little bit there, yeah I did.
Hokus: Aside from you, and Dad.
Hokus: That's how I feel right now.
Suhon: You just said your feelings didn't matter to anyone
Hokus: Read the first line.
Hokus: And then the second two.
Hokus: Before, it felt like no one gave a shit. I was screamed at by dad, ignored by others, and you wouldn't talk to me.
Hokus: Right now, Aside from you and Dad. I still feel the same.
Hokus: Jesse used me to get back at you.
Hokus: And it's like.
HokusHokus : I'm not allowed to even feel this way, according to everyone around me.
Hokus: Either someone gets mad because I feel this way and I want to talk about it, or I get avoided.
Suhon: So, Jesse used you to get back at me.
Suhon: FOR WHAT
Suhon: BECAUSE BIG SU WOULDN"T TELL HIM SOMETHING PERSONAL ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE?
Hokus: He was under the impression that you gave me personal information, just because I asked what was wrong.
Hokus: Why are you yelling at me?
Suhon: BECAUSE I"M SO FUCKING TIRED THAT"S WHY.
Suhon: He was under the impression?
Suhon: WOW.
Suhon: Wow.
Hokus: And I deserve to be yelled at because you're tired.
Suhon: How about he actually fucking talks to me first before assuming that.
Hokus: Then I guess he didn't do it just to get back at you.
Suhon: Or maybe it's because he's secretly fucking attracted to Big Su a bit?
Hokus: I'm just waiting for that bubble to pop.
Suhon: I'm not typing..
Hokus: It said you were.
Hokus: Otherwise:
Hokus: Is that so?
Suhon: Yes.
Hokus: How do you know?
Suhon: So..you want to disappear..
Hokus: I kind of feel like it.
Hokus: Doesn't mean I will.
Suhon: ....Mhm.
Hokus: Am I not allowed to feel this way or.
Hokus: Should I shove it to the back.
Suhon: ...
Suhon: Are you seriously saying that to me..
Hokus: All I got was 'mhm'.
Suhon: It's because I'm fucking tired of Jesse
Suhon: And everything right now
Hokus: do you want to stop talking about it.
Suhon: I've had panic attacks all night and day because of him
Suhon: I know you deserved to know.
Suhon: BUT AT THE SAME TIME. I"M LITERALLY DRAINED
Hokus: mm.
Suhon: ....
Hokus: I'm kind of drained too.
Hokus: So.
Hokus: I was fine.
Hokus: I was so fucking great.
Suhon: ...
Hokus: And now I just feel like shit.
Hokus: I'm snotting again.
Hokus: I need tissues.
Hokus: Brb.
Hokus: Back
Hokus: I guess.
Hokus: I don't know.
Hokus: Someones gonna tell someone and more people are gonna hate me.
Suhon: What..?
Suhon: Tell them what?
Hokus: That I'm still upset.
Hokus: Or I'm being 'unreasonable'.
Suhon: ...
Suhon: And why do you think that
Hokus: Because what else has happened?
Hokus: Your friends only know what you either tell them, or me defending my partner from people who don't know how to keep their hands to themselves.
Hokus: Or their mouths shut.
Hokus: That's it.
Hokus: And they only reasons they'd want you to dump me, are either: they like you or you told them and they just didn't like how I'm apparently treating you, which I guess is bad.
Hokus: And I'm getting more '...' and questions, than actual responses.
Suhon: Do you know why they don't want me with you?
Suhon: It's because from the very beginning I was having panic/anxiety attacks with the whole drama thing about Aly..and now this..
Hokus: So.
Suhon: They are just worried about my well being..
HokusHokus : Then maybe they're right. If I'm so bad, and I'm this damaging to your well being.
HokusHokus : Maybe they were right
Hokus: I try to talk to you about my feelings and stuff, you have a panick attack and anxiety. I try to defend you and let people know that you're my partner cause it seems to slip their mind alot, you have panick attacks and anxiety. It seems like I'm just terrible.
Suhon: ....
Suhon: So, you're saying we don't listen to your feelings?
Hokus: What did you do immediately.
Hokus: When I tried to voice my feelings about the rp.
HokusHokus : You avoided me for two and a half hours.
Hokus: My Dad Screamed and Called Me Names.
Hokus: For almost an hour.
Hokus: I don't feel like anything got resolved.
Hokus: Because I feel like I'm still on the back burner, while they get to do as they please up UNTIL they talk about me again. And again: None of them know me.
Hokus: I tried to be honest, and all it has done is bite me in the ass. I stopped talking to them, and then cut them out of my life.
HokusHokus : And I'm still in one room, unable to follow you because they don't like me, and don't want me around.
Hokus: Then Jesse comes with this, and good lord this is a shit show. And what you started with was 'Do you know how many of my friends want me to dump you?"
Hokus: How would you feel if I came at you with that phrase to begin with what was supposed to be a resolution?
Suhon: What..I started with was that? Really? I said that way towards the end of the fight and said I wouldn't dump you.
Hokus: It wasn't even really a fight.
HokusHokus : It was 'Rp doesn't mean anything to me.' *let's avoid eli for two and a half hours* 'Do you know how many of my friends want me to dump you?'
HokusHokus : Then: 'It does mean something to me, I like doing it.'
Hokus: And then 'I won't dump you.'
Hokus: That's what it was. Tell me I'm wrong.
Suhon: I didn't avoid you. I was calming down myself and Palomita.
Hokus: It was avoidance.
Hokus: You didn't tell me until two hours later.
HokusHokus : I waited and waited, after you said you felt conflicted.
Hokus: And I got scared.
Hokus: And you must be busy.
Suhon: I didn't avoid you at all. For those two hours, I was worried about Palomita and myself. She was crying and having attacks. So, sorry if I was unable to actually spare some time and tell you that until it all ended.
Suhon: I would rather have myself calmed down before yelling at you or something.
Hokus: You barely said anything at all.
SuhonSuhon : ...
Suhon: You know what.
Suhon: I care about you and I love you.
Hokus: And I love you too.
Suhon: But, my mental health comes first.
Suhon: Especially, with Palomita.
Hokus: I know that.
SuhonSuhon : "You barely said anything at all."
Hokus: I meant after you came back.
Suhon: I WONDER WHY.
Hokus: Ugh.
Hokus: Just..
Hokus: Nevermind..
Suhon: No.
Suhon: Don't do that.
Suhon: That pisses me off.
Suhon: We are going to keep talking.
Hokus: I don't know what else to say with out it being my fucking fault, Su.
Hokus: Everything is my goddamn fault.
Suhon: ...
Suhon  He exhaled sharply.
HokusHokus : And I have to try to keep everything to gether and everyone else muted out to spare Palomita and Viks relationship, and then yours and Falons.
Hokus: Cause that'd be an even bigger SHIT STORM that this.
Hokus: than*.
Suhon: What..you are saying to me, is like I'm not allowed to be overwhelmed or Palomita to have attacks during situations like this. And that we have to tell you right that second. Well, I'm sorry. We can't always fucking do that. Sorry about having mental health issues? You are making it sound like we are not allowed to have panic attacks or some shit. Maybe understand, that Palomita has some inner bullshit that she has to deal with well? We could have easily left in the beginning with how many attacks she was dealing with and emotional shit all because of that Aly girl. But we didn't because we love you. I understand how you deserved to know about the group rp, I do. But at the same time, we felt fucking horrible as well and that's why we couldn't talk for those two hours.
SuhonSuhon : She' can't fucking control her anxiety attacks or her crying.
HokusHokus : Okay and neither can I.
Hokus: So I'm just supposed to sit there by myself.
Hokus: And have my own, on my own.
Hokus: We both have shitty mental health.
Hokus: Only my alters don't comfort me.
Hokus: They're affected too.
HokusHokus : And they recluse.
Hokus: And everything just gets so quiet.
Suhon: So, what you got from that is I'm telling you to be on your own and just sit there.
Suhon: I am not telling you that.
Suhon: I'm telling you why I'm pissed at how you say we avoided you for two hours.
Hokus: Well it felt like it. I was by myself.
HokusHokus : Dad barely spoke to me after screaming at me.
Hokus: Everyone was either against me or didn't want to talk to me. or atleast thats hwo it felt.
Suhon: Well, I'm sorry..
Hokus: I see you, and then I see everyone looking down at me behind you. Because of one thing I Did.
Hokus  One.
Hokus: And I love you but it kind of sucks because I don't have anybody behind me like that.
SuhonSuhon : ..One thing.
Hokus: Are there things you're not telling me about?
Suhon  His eye twitched. "...One thing."
Suhon: That one thing..
Hokus: I have worked my ass off to make up for.
Hokus: And i will continue to do it.
Suhon: And I know that. And I appreciate it greatly.
Hokus: Even if the outcome is just you holding it over my head with your friends. Or even if it's just a fucking 'thanks for doing that'. I will keep doing it.
Suhon: DO YOU KNOW HARD THAT "ONE THING" WAS TO LET GO?
Suhon: Yeah, I forgave you.
Suhon: No, let me finish.
Hokus: No. Cause it sure doesn't look like you forgave me.
Suhon: We forgave you, we let it go, we pushed it back because we love you and I knew you were panicking and just said it at the wrong moment.
Hokus: You're gonna yell at me about how shitty that thing was, and how I hurt you and how it was so bad. And you act like I DONT KNOW THAT.
Hokus: I Fucking DO. I know WHAT I DID.
Hokus: I know how shitty that thing was.
Hokus: I know that I did it at a bad time.
Hokus: And you're right, I PANICKED.
Hokus: Because I wanted to be honest with yo.
Hokus  Not your friends. Not everyone around you besides Dad.
Hokus: But they're going to hold that over my head like a fucking 200lb weight.
Hokus: And you knwo what?
Hokus: I'm going to keep.
Hokus: Working to make it better, because I don't want to loose you but god forbid I try to talk about my feelings because they are bottling further and further and I don't want it to fucking FESTER and because DAD GAVE ME ADVICE. And for once in my shitty life I'm listening.
Hokus: And then Palomita tells me.
Hokus: That this whole time.
Hokus: I've DONE NOTHING.
Hokus: But give her Anxiety/Panick Attacks.
Suhon: You are saying th-
Suhon: SHE DIDNT FUCKING MEAN IT LIKE THAT.
Suhon: She knows you are trying to make it up for it.
Hokus: Don't tell me what you think i"m saying, I know what I'm saying.
Suhon: SHE MEANT IN THE BEGINNING
Suhon: AND THEN TODAY
Suhon: THAT"S IT.
Hokus: I care about you both.
Hokus: I love you both.
Hokus: But what about how i'm sitting here fucking shaking, and I have been for almost since 5:10 My Time.
Suhon: ....
Suhon: You think..
Hokus: Or how I'm crying infront of my fucking work desk.
Suhon: We haven't either..
Hokus: SEE?
Hokus: THERE IT IS>
Suhon: I'm sorry you are, okay. I don't li-
Hokus  rubbed his face, burying them in his knees.
Hokus: It doesn't matter.. I'm damaging Palomita with being upset about it. I should just let it go.