Australian Gothic

- We all refer to the prime minister by their first name. We know them well, and they know us. All of us.

- There’s a man on the street corner who never leaves. “just waiting for a mate,” he says. you realise he is on every corner, of every street.

- You are swooped by a magpie in the same place, at the same time, every single day. “It’s swooping season!” says your neighbour. It has always been swooping season.

- Sometimes you hear a woman whispering late at night - or early in the morning. "Rage" she hisses. "Rage".

- The prime minister never seems to last long and often disappears through no discernible democratic process. One of them eats a raw onion in an attempt to assimilate. He is gone by morning, replaced by another.

- Someone offers you a meat pie. It burns your tongue. You have never asked what kind of meat is in a meat pie.

- The Prime Minister walks into the ocean and is never seen again. They say he was a traitor, defecting to the enemy, whisked away by submarines. You build a swimming pool in his honour.

- The grass is dead, or the grass is Long. You do not go into the grass when it is Long.

- You offer your friend a drink. They refuse. They say they are Designated. You apologise immediately. You meant no offence, and you would never disrespect the Designated. You have newfound admiration for your friend.

- There are spiders in your shoes. There are spiders in the shed. There are spiders under the toilet seat. The biggest ones, you allow to stay. They lurk in the highest corners of the ceiling, but you know how fast they can run.

- You check your calendar and your house number three times before you turn on the sprinklers. Your neighbour’s face appears at their window. You wonder if you should check again.

- It is time for the Maccas Run. Nobody knows what time it actually is, but you all sense it is right. The Designated stands up.

- It’s bin night. But which bin? The streets lie paralysed, homeowners lurking behind their gates, waiting for someone to make the first move.

- There’s a new prime minister, but it’s the same prime minister. Now he’s gone. There’s a new prime minister. You change your smoke alarm battery.

- You don’t believe the stories about the creatures in the trees, but you take precautions. One day, you see an unwary traveller taking shelter from the blazing sun underneath a jacaranda. When you look back, he’s gone.

- The train is coming in five minutes. The train is coming in four minutes. The train is coming in five minutes. The train is coming in four minutes. The train is coming in five minutes. The train passes you without stopping. The train is coming in five minutes.

- No one knows where They came from, what They want, or why They never age or feel pain. Only the children know. "Fruit salad," they whisper. "Fruit salad."

- A giraffe with blank eyes and a strange, fixed smile gives you health advice. You don’t question it.