Thread 95: Stories 31-45

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NC
>SA
"AJ"
'Celestia'
-Dash-
~~~~

>...Huh.

"Don't ya' say it."

>Huuuh.

"Don't ya' say it."

>...Wanna do that meetup now-

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'

-I'm really, really sorry guys, I don't know why they got it in their heads it was cool.-

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'

>What the heck could convince all the new recruits they needed to be drug dealers?

"Ah' blame the rappers. Friggen rap music, destroyin' our nation."

-I too agree with this, and assert it had nothing to do with any of my decisions.-

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'

>You okay Celly?

BLAM!

THUMP

-...That's a no?-

"That there's a no."

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Cadence"
'DT'
~~~~
>Welcome to Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content doesn't matter, and I want to talk to certain ponies. Join the Pink Pony Club as we discuss things on our segment...THE PERSPECTIVE!!!

"I'm the pretty one <3"

'I'm uh...the grumpy one...'
Looks to Pinkie.

>And I'm the crazy one!

"Meeting again so soon? Y-you're not mad are you?"

'Are you...are you going to be the grumpy one today?'

>What? No. I thought the chocolate looked like diarrhea and that you two smeared *censored* all over my edible walls.

"Ew gross!"

>Exactly what I thought!

'Wait, then why are we here?'

>I just wanted give you two brownies. You must have really wanted brownies judging from what's left of my Easy-Bake.

"That's it? You're not mad that I almost torched your house?"

>It was funny.

'What about that talking chair?'

>It was getting annoying anyway. It was for a Pinkie's Playhouse gag. I wouldn't have invited you two if I didn't expect some damage. Have some brownies.
They both take a brownie and eat it. Pinkie smiles.

'...Did you do something to the brownies?'

>That's our show! Thanks for joining us!

"AM I GOING TO DIE?!"

>Depends. They're your brownies.

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OOCO
>SA
"Celestia"
'Chrysalis'
~~~

>Ahem... "I would like to trade with you for mutual benefit"... now you try.

'It would behoove us both if we were to open up a... trade agreement, no? Very... mutually beneficial.'

>Ehhhn.

'Hey!'

"My turn... "Your weapon is not needed, please leave it at the door"."

'Leave your weapon behind... it will serve no purpose.'

"Wrong."

'OH COME ON!'

>I'm noticing a pattern here.

"I feel like we're just not reaching her as we should."

'My speech is FINE, thank you! I talk how I want to talk, and fuck you if you've got a problem with it!'

>...Hey, Chrysalis?

'WHAT!?'

>Ask me to leave my sword at the door.

'Oh for the love of... put that thing down, you idiot, we're-'

>Pretend we're in public.

'UGHGHH!... Shining Armor, you won't be needing that blade, this is a peaceful meeting and if it is not, I will make sure any who disrupt it regret it.'

>...huhhh... now pretend you're talking to Celly in public, and you want to start trading.

'Trading what!?'

>I don't know, pretend that green slime stuff makes an amazing adhesive.

'It does!'

>Just do it.

'...Celestia, there is mutual gain to be had with this transaction. We could both end up well better off if we just-'

"Huh."

'Don't you fucking HUH me!'

>...Huuuhhh.

'WHAT DID I JUST SAY!?'

>"....huh?"

'RAAARRGHHH!

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>Celestia
"SA"
'Sunset'
[??]
{??}
~~~

Finding them was fairly easy, all things considered. Just looking to a guard and going 'hey, which way is the super tall, stark white princess with flowing technicolor hair?' She was fairly certain they could be seen from the upper atmosphere.

That said, actually looking her in the face was quite... unsettling.

>We need to have a talk.

But while the stern "I'm very disappointed in you" look was unsettling, the look her stallion companion was giving her was.... much more. Very, very unsettling.

She was not one who knew the intricacies of body language, but that look said some very loud, angry things, and she doubted being undead would be enough to stifle any pain it entailed.

"Now."

She did not fight, did not argue as they were led into a private room, she had dug this hole and now she was going to sleep in it. No arguments, no fighting, it was time to mare up for what she had done, and what she had been planning to do.

'I started out only wanting to help Cadence because I was worried and paranoid, and by the end I was ready to reveal her, because I felt like what you were doing is wrong.'

That's it, her whole story, no middlemare no fuss no muss, it's up to them to decide what, exactly, that meant.

And if it meant her banishment yet again... so be it.

They shared a look, the two of them. Since she had arrived here, their relationship was one she truly could not understand. They said a lot to each other, that was plain to see, but just as much they seemed to know even more with very little. She didn't pretend to understand them, or what it meant...

Or why the stallion nodded, and her old mentor looked so relieved.

'I still think hiding it is wrong, and maybe revealing it would-'

[YOUUUU!]

She had only a second to realize that had been a bad move.

'AHHH!'

She was a strong, independent, powerful mare.

But even she knew she had to fucking run when she saw Cadence's angry visage charging at her.

"EIGHTEEN NO!"

So little time, she was granted so little time to contemplate what the prince had said before she felt the wash of fire, and the shadow above her changed ever so slightly. Even less time granted before she felt sharp, horrible fangs sink into the back of her neck, ripples of pain going down her spine where before there had been no feeling. Whatever this thing was that had bitten her, it was charging up her body enough to make her feel again, just for a bit.

This was not a good thing.

>EIGHTEEN! CONTROL YOURSELF!

'AHHHHHHHHHHHH!'

[RRRRRRAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!]

Her world became a blur as she was rocked back and forth violently, jerked left and right like she was a bone in the mouth of a dog. She felt heat and drool roll down her neck, vibrating with the hum of the angry growl twitching down her spine

{What in tarnation is goin' on out- OH FER' LANDS SAKES! Put 'er down ya' gaddang varmit!]

'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'

[RRRRRRGGRGRGRRRRRRRRR!]

She heard the sound of paper grinding against itself, then a WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! of that thickened paper smacking against something hard.

{DOWN! LET'ER GO AH' SAID! BAD LING!}

[GRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!]

'AHHHHHHH!'

She dangled there, shaken and wobbly, still held up off the ground by her neck, trying to make her eyeballs stop rolling in her head long enough to focus on the mare in front of her, holding a rolled up newspaper.

{Fer' the love of... hold up.}

'WAIT DON'T LEAVE ME-AHHHHHHHWHWHWHHHHWHW'

But she did. Her mentor left her once again, and once again she was at the mercy of being shaken like she was covered in fleas made of bombs.

"EIGHTEEN! NO! Noooooo! Stop it! Put her dooooowwwnnnn!"

>This is most unacceptable, drop her at once!

[GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!]

She heard the door to the room open up once more, and her vision stopped it's rollercoaster ride.

{Here girl! Fweee fweee fwee! Ya' want tha' cheese? Come on! Come get the cheese! It's all fer' you! Get the cheeses girl! Who wants tha' cheese? You do! Come on!}

The two white ponies stopped, dropping all efforts for her salvation to look to her. She could not see it, but she could feel that even the changeling holding her was giving her a look of stupefied incredulousness.

{...Well it worked for Winona!}

Huffing, she tossed the slice away, and her world became shakes once more.

"HEY! HEY! Eighteeennnnn... EIGHTEEENNNNN..."

His voice had become stern, commanding, harsh and unmoving, and it was enough to make her slow.

"Droooopppp ittttt...."

[GRRRGGRRRR!}

"Droppppp iiiiiiiittttttttttt...."

[GRRRRRRR!]

"Drop it right now missy or you are going outside tonight! I will make you sleep in the doghouse, don't think I won't! DROP IT!"

[...grrr...]

At long last, Sunset knew what it was like to be literally spat upon the ground.

Her life was complete.

"Good girl, now- HEY!"

No relief to be had, of course. A chitinous hoof grabbed hold of her by the head, thankfully not cutting off her air supply, and forced her to look right into glowing green, rage filled eyes.

[Now you listen here you piece of moldy breakfast platter! If I ever hear you've been messing around with my papers, or CADDY ever again, I will eat you, do you understand me!? I will fucking chew your head off like a preying mantis and find a way to make you watch it happen! I don't care what kind of game you thought you were playing, because I need my Empire to be happy, and fun, and the magical perfect place it's always meant to be, and if your messing with my work so much as delays Sparker's grain shipment, or causes Flicker's mail to be ten minutes late, or if so much as one of them so much as trips on a piece of road that isn't repaired on time because you put the paper two forms down from where it should be, I will eat you.]

The scary part was, she was just getting started it seemed. All that had been just the lead in.

[And if you ever, EVER, think about trying to pull that shit with Cadence again, I WILL BURN YOU! BURN! YOU! I have become a zombie before too, and I know how to kill them. That's right, I once worked myself into such a state I looked like the fucking undead just for this place, and you think I'm going to let you mess that up!? This is MY choice, so next time you feel like everybody deserves to know what I do, hows about you grow a brain in that pickle jar you call a head and ASK ME!? Cadence works hard, she does her own stuff, and if you try to expose her like that again there will be fire! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?]

Now, normally, this would be the point where Sunset would argue her case, would point out that this was still wrong, she wasn't getting the recognition she deserved, that this could all be better and that this was creating a false sense of untouchable godhood in a very much touchable being.

But Sunset Shimmer was not stupid. When a creature of shapeshifting and love sapping has shown she is in such a state she will turn you into a chew toy, perhaps any arguments should be saved for... calmer times.

Times when she doesn't have to pray that a changeling has an addiction to cheese as her only salvation.

She didn't say a word, just nodded.

[GOOD!]

That, it seemed, was that. She dropped her down, and dusted off her hooves.

[Now, I'm going back, I'm going to fix anything you did, and I'm going to get ready to make my paperwork do the things that makes my ponies lives veerrrryyyyy easy, because that is what I do, and if you so much as stand outside my office, no stupid sexy Shiny is going to save you! HRMPH!]

She spun on her heels and started to trot off.

"Hey, Eighteen? Did you want me to pick up anything for dinner?"

[Anything is fine! Celly, did you want something?]

>Can we try that new buttercream cake?

"We meant for dinner."

>...And?

[DON'T CARE! Everything is fine! And Applejack, I don't like cheese!]

{Now that there's just silly... ya' still like apples, right?}

[Love 'em!]

{Meh, so long as ya' got some good taste. See ya!}

[Bye guys! Bye Shiny! Kisses!]

...She wasn't even going to try to unravel that one. That one? That one was going to stay in her 'does not compute' pile forever.

>I take it you've already had a discussion.

{Yep. Was... pretty illuminating.}

>No worries of any surprise reveals?

'...n-no...'

>Expected as such. I take it things are under control now?

{As much as they can be.}

>As always, my faith in you was well placed. Well, normally I would declare this done, but I feel like I've been a little too hooves off with this. Sunset? See me sometime later, whenever you're ready. Doesn't have to be today, or even tomorrow... but do come see me. We need to have a talk... and do not be afraid, we need to speak to each other more... openly, I feel.

She didn't need to say yes. The nod was enough.

>Good... Shiny? Anything to say here?

"Hm... oh, no..."

He leaned in, just enough he could whisper, and she could just barely hear him.

"No... I think Eighteen said enough about what I want..."

Just the way he said it send chills down her spine, and made her want to shake.

That lovey, happy, forgiving stallion had... something there, under the surface. Something chilling.

Something that, worryingly enough... neither Applejack or Celestia seemed to notice.

"...You're not banned from the Empire, you know. I know I probably should, but I also feel like you need to apologize to Cadence. I'll be expecting to hear about that one soon enough."

Perhaps that's why... he covered it up rather well.

>Hmmm... and ponies say I'm too soft.

"I learned it by watching you!"

{Alright, alright, iffin' the Sunset business is all settled up now, there's somethin' else we need ta' talk about.}

>Oh? What's that?

{...S'about Chitania.}

There it was again. That... spark in his eyes, that strange sight nobody else seemed to see, that flare up just beyond the light. Something very... hot.

{...Welll....}

She hazed out most of what was said afterwards, focused in on him. Focused in on the fluctuations, the subtle shifts, the body language, all of which said very, very unsettling things.

So much so, it took her completely off guard when they both let out a booming-

>"WHAT!?"

And for once, she got to see her mentor, the beacon of light and hope for all of Equestria, and the supposedly all loving Shining Armor, look like they were ready to burn down the castle.

This has been a very weird day for her.

'...I wonder what the odds are that I'll just die if I go back through the portal...'

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 >29
"Luna"
~~~~

>...

"Reach, changeling... reach deep into thine mind."

>...

"Do you feel it? The power beyond your touch? That only seen, never known. Like a hoof reaching to the sun, one may only grasp at the warmth it provides, but holding it is beyond any realm of possibility."

>...

"For beyond thine touch, is a world with many things. Wonders... horrors... and those who merely seek rest. There are few, if any, who can see this world... fewer still who may even feel it's warmth... and you are one of them."

>...

"Reach, changeling. Reach into the void. Reach into the world beyond. Reach with all thou are, and forever shall be."

>...

"Reach.... what does thou feel?"

>...

"...What does thou... see?"

>...

"...Twenty Nine?"

>...

"Twenty Nine!"

>....zzzz...

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF OUR MOTHER!"

SMACK!

>SNK! WHA!? I WASN'T SLEEPING!

"THOU WERE DREAMING OF THE PUBLIC OFFICIAL IN A BIKINI!"

>...No I was not.

"..."

>...Oh, right, dreams thing... uh...

"..."

>...Would thou believe thou has me confused for another changeling?

"BURN!"

>AHHHH I'M SORRY AHHHHHHHHHH!

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>PJ
"Haymaker"
'Blueblood'
~~~~~

"So then I said, noooo, come on, I'd never do that!"

'...But did you?'

"Yes, I absolutely did, but the important thing was saying I didn't. Otherwise she would hurt me."

'Why on earth would you do that anyway?'

"Didn't know she was being hounded by a freaking secret agent, if I did-"

CLICK!
CRACK!
WHIIRRRIIRRIRRRRRR!

"Heyyyy! There's the mare of the hour! What's up, PJ?"

'We were just discussing why Haymaker is hiding behind this pot I'm trying to clean.'

>Hey guys! Arana around?

'No, sadly, she's off visiting her hive. I'm so happy for her, she's really perked up now that they've stopped casting her out.'

>Good for her!... Hey, quick question, did you two spitroast me?

"..."
'...'
>...
"..."
'...'
>...
"..."
'...'
>...
"..."
'...I'm sorry?'

>You two, Haymaker and Blueblood, you guys spitroast me when I was a little tipsy?

'...WHAT!?'

"Wha... why would you ask that!?"

>Near as I can tell, I got snookered off my rocker and went on a bender, and when I woke up, UGH, my lower back and legs and throat were killing me. Like they had been jerked around and pounded. So, naturally, I just kinda wondered if I came to you guys while I was in a fun mood and we played connect the ponies.

'....WHAT?!'

>Spitroasting, Bluey, it's when-

'I KNOW WHAT IT IS!'

>Ho hooo! So we did-

'NO! NO NO NO!'

>No? Cool.... Haymaker? Didn't man both stations, did you-

"No!"

>Ah. Okay! Just checking, was super worried.

'Did... did you-'

>Naahhh, I've got brainstuff to prevent it from happening if it wasn't you two, it's cool. Whelp, just wanted to check, later gators!

CLICK!
CRACK!
WHIIIIRRIRIRIriiiirrrrrrrr....

"..."
'...'

"...well you don't see that every day!"

'...w-w...wha...'

"Crazy bug, eh?"

'...wha...'

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>Chitania
"Sweet Note"
'13'
~~~~

"...And you're SURE she'll probably go for option B?"

>Rhm.

"I just feel like I really need to double check that, yes, there's next to no chance she'll go for option A."

>Rhm.

"...Cause you didn't tell us what option A IS, but that she probably won't do it, but if she goes with it, she won't go for option B."

>Rhmm.

"And you DID tell us what option B is, and that's... that's..."

'A lot of bits?'

"A LOT OF BITS... just, Sugar Bean, I know you've got plenty of bits, I mean you've got plenty, but this is uh... this is a game changer for bits. This is bits enough that ain't no pony gonna care iffin you DID smash up the world, they'd still praise you and say you're the best."

'They would not.'

"..."

'...huh... actually?'

"Sooo... n-no chance for option A, right?"

>Rmmr.

'I think mom would like option A better. Not that I KNOW, since she won't tell me.'

>...

"Oh, yeah, guess... if you're willing to pass this up, it's pretty important, isn't it? That's... gotta be big..."

>...

"...But still, we're talking like, NO chance here, right?"

'Really?'

"TELL ME YOU DON'T WANT YOUR MAMA TO BUY YOU A JACCUZZI PULLED BY AN AIRSHIP!"

'...'

"..."

'...Well, I mean, now that sounds kind of cool, but still.'

>I trust she will make the right choice, or else.

"..."

'...Well that's not creepy or anything...'

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OOCO
>Applejack
"SA"
'Celestia'
~~~~

>...NGH!

"OW!"

>....NGHUH!

'DAMN IT APPLEJACK!'

>....NRGH!

"SON OF A-"

>Ah'm sorry! They're sensitive!

'One more time, Applejack, ONE MORE TIME you hit me in the eye with that thing, and I'm tossing you in a lake and calling it a day!'

>Ah'm sorry, dang it! Ah'll try ta' control it!

"..."

'...'

>......HNK!

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

'Oh shit.'

>Oh shit?... Ah' didn't hit him-

'You did.'

>Right there?

'Bullseye.'

>Ahhh... shoot, sorry Shiny!

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

>Squeals like a dang filly.

'Well, that's normally how stallions react when you BUCK THEM IN THE NUTS!'

>Ah'm sorry Ah' said! It's just... mah wings are really sensitive, and they keep makin' me buck! They ain't been cleaned properly since Ah' gott'em! Ah've broken so much furniture, and the one time Spike tried ta' help Ah' punted him inta' Rarity's shower!... Didn't complain all that much...

'Still! You need to learn to control yourself!'

>Ah'm sorry...

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

>Ain't like ya' used 'em all that much anyway...

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 >Chrysalis
"42"
'Changelings'
~~~~

>...the fuck?

"I agree, Majesty. Their hoofwriting is simply abysmal. Really now, in what society is this deemed acceptable? I challenge you to find a single image up there that looks like an actual robot."

>...

"And of course these pictures are vague like you would not believe, no indication of which changeling this was supposed to depict. Really, recognition is important for advancement!"

>...

"And, finally... a picture? Really? Not even some decent waterbottles? I give out waterbottles to whoever buys five of Two's brownies at a bake sale, they're cheap like you wouldn't believe! Ugh..."

>...Okay, who did this?

Timidly, three hooves reached up.

'Uh... that was... us?'

'Yeah, us.'

'...Sorry? Should we not do that?'

'It's just... the robots were trying to 'end the next generation before it began!' or something.'

'Those fuckers were weird!'

'So we were like... lasers! We have LASERS!'

'Was this bad? I feel like it shouldn't be bad for us to not let kids get shot.'

'...please don't tell me that's bad...'

'OH HIVEMIND DON'T PUNCH US!'

"I'm not going to punch you!"

>...It's fine...

'It's... fine?'

>It's fine.

She looked to them, all of them in turn.

>...We shall be returning to the Empire in two days, so prepare yourselves.

Cheers loud and booming rang out, rocking the ballroom with it's sound.

'FINALLYYYYYY!'

'Goin' back goin' back goin' baaaack!'

'Free walking, no staring, SHINY BOOTY ALL AROUND GOIN' BACK!'

>...

'To clarify, that is the shiny as in the texture, not the pony.'

>Noted.

'...So can we le-'

She was gone in fire before he could finish.

'...That's a no?'

"It sounded like a no to me."

'...Who's up for facepunch-OH FUCK I DIDN'T MEAN YOU-'

WHAM!... THUMP!

"Too bad."

Outside, at the top of the Cantelot tower, the Queen surveyed the land.

>...Two days, that's all I have to put up with... two days, and it's done.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>56
“???”
~~~~

Fifty-Six was no stranger to hearing voices in his head.

But even he had to admit that ever since his not-mom had done… whatever she’d done to him, the voices had stopped entirely.

“You know what’s disgusting?”

Well, for a little while there.

>Nope! But I feel you’re gonna tell me anyway! Ya always do….

“Butts. Butts are disgusting.”

>Fair warnin’, ponies have died for sayin’ less, jus’ so ya know!

“If anything, we’re a testament to dying and coming back, don’t you think?”

>We didn’t die, we ALMOST died, dummy, there’s a difference!

“Our circumstance is the difference. One of us definitely died back there.”

>Ha, right! …Which one?

“Well, if you’re the one in control of the body, such as you are, and not the one spewing mental verses, such as I am, then it’s safe to say it wasn’t you.”

>Thank Apple Prime. If I were dead, I wouldn’t be able to do allllllll the things I still gotta do!

“You know you’re going to need my help to do those things, don’t you?”

Pausing for once in his upbeat trot, Fifty-Six glanced over at the trophy display case next to him, ignoring the name and honor to gaze at his reflection shining in the gold.

The way his face was split, one side smiling cheerfully, the other sporting a dower frown, did nothing to disturb him.

He was used to that.

>Nah!

The frown twitched ever so slightly.

>Not-mom killed you for a reason. And I know why, too!

“Because she too knew one day I’d reclaim the body rightfully mine, which would cause you to vanish?

>Nuh!

“…Because she views this psyche as a better alternative to how we used to be?”

>Wrong again!

“…Because she somehow thinks this is a form of ‘rest’, how giddy and carefree you are?”

>You’re ‘bout as wrong as Flatflank’s entire backside!

“Coming from you, that’s about as wrong as wrong can be. Enlighten me then.”

>’Cuz you’d get us both killed!

“…What did you say?”

>It’s true! See, back when y’all were needed, those were bad times, ya made us do stuff that don’t matter now! I was never out much, you didn’t seem to like me for some reason… that’s alright, though, I forgive you! But that’s why you’d get us hurt, ya get it? We’re not in constant danger anymore, we’re actually safe! We have friends and Moons and the bestest cousin eeeeever! So you’re not needed!

“…I’m not sure whether to be glad about that or severely upset.”

>Be glad! If you ain’t needed, things are alright! Go die in peace!

“…You have a really jaded way of speaking at times, I need you to know this.”

>I need you to stop disobeyin’ not-mom by bein’ alive! If she finds out ya can still talk to me, who knows what she’ll do!

“Repress me again, because the act of ‘killing’ me would in effect kill you as well, because you are me and I am you. Trauma divided us, she knows this.”

>Still!

“…No. What remains a ‘still’ is the fact that our not-mom is one very cruel ruler, for her to chose you over me.”

As night had fallen in the span of a second, the frowning portion of Fifty-Six’s face darkened.

“For her to think I am not needed… to leave me waiting… after all I’ve done, what I’ve gone through. I’m… I’m not useless.”

Fifty-Six’s smile turned sympathetic, understanding.

>I know.

“But not-mom likes you best.”

>That’s ‘cuz I nuzzle her thighs every now an’ again.

“…I almost laughed, and that’s a sign that I need to rest.”

>Yeah, go die!

“…Right.”

Another glance at his reflection revealed a face that was whole and smiling.

>Poor guy… uh, me. Poor me...?

In a few moments, as Fifty-Six continued down the hall, he would forget all about the conversation held within his mind.

He always forgot.

Because he never really liked talking to himself all that much.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Spitfire
"???"
~~~~~

It was a beautiful city, when she got right down to it. Beautiful, wide, expansive and charming. It had sights to see, places to be and skies so free. She had been mostly stationed in Cloudsdale, of course, but there was something just amazing about the city of Canterlot, the city she had resided in as captain.

She supposed that she never truly expected that again, she would come to this place as a captain. Even less so that the armor on her body would shine and glimmer in Celestia's sun.

She had once commanded respect of the ponies down below. Her presence was enough to cow even the most haughty of the elite if she spoke loud enough, the uniform she wore enough to tell them all that needed to be said in little if any words. She was one of the top, and they all knew it.

But now, she probably couldn't catch a cab if she wanted.

Traitor, quitter, failure. She heard it all every day she was here, and then something. She was a shame for quitting her position under Dash and moving away. That was where she belonged, they claimed. That was where she deserved to be. That she would move away from where they could ridicule or chide her was wrong. That she moved to a place where she held respect of any kind, unjust. She was meant to be here.

For them, not her.

Some days, she found herself hard to argue with it.

Some days, like today, she looked down on that city, and wondered if they were right.

"...The fuck? Spitty? The fuck are you doing up here?"

The voice took her off guard, completely unexpected. She was quite good at telling when someone was sneaking up on her, normally, but it seemed this one time she was going to have to admit defeat.

But then, she really shouldn't have expected anything less from a changeling Queen.

"Thinking about chucking bits? Eh, that's a myth, you can't actually kill someone with one. I know, total rip off, but that's reality for you. Though, to be fair, it's still really funny to watch."


Even now, she had a hard time adjusting to this one part of her new life, above all others. This one right here, this Queen, befuddled her. She had been at the table as they ate breakfast, been in the room when they watched a movie, they had gone ice skating for Faust's sake, but just the surrealist nature of the Queen of all changelings going HAH! and laughing about utterly benign things and doing crazy things never ceased to throw her for a loop.

"...You okay, Spitty?"

Nor did being called 'Spitty'.

>Can you call me something else? That sounds like a setup to a really insulting joke.

"Oh, come on, it's not a descriptor of you or anything uncouth you might do."

>Thank you.

"Yeah, I know you're classy enough to swallow."

>Damn it.

"HAH!"

She nudged her, ribbing playfully, exactly the last thing she ever would have expected from Chrysalis, of all beings. This was like getting a bro-hoof from Discord.

>No, seriously, please. Literally everyone already thinks Shining and Cadence are keeping me as their own personal bedwarmer in exchange for my position. This isn't helping.

"Pfft, so? Everyone thinks Shining is just keeping me around because he's got the ling fever."

She paused at that, already thinking back to the bed. The. Bed.

>Uh... is he?

"HAH!"

She took that better than expected.

"Nahhh, we haven't fucked since before the wedding. Offered, but eh, no go. But, qualifier here..."

A magic, very subtly, encircled around her neck.

"I'm not a fucking concubine, I'm not a fucking side dish, and regardless of what assholes think that, I've got my own reasons for what I do, and at no point did giving up my position or power filter into the conversation, got it? Yeah, he's damn sexy. Yeah, I'd totally rock his world until the earthquake reached the gryphons if he took me up on it, but I'm not a damn blow up doll, got it?"

>...Yeah, think I've got an understanding here. No need for the theatrics, you know.

And just like that, it was gone.

"HAH! Don't worry, Shiny really likes you, I'd never actually do anything. Force of habit, really."

>Oh wow, that makes me feel so much better. The relief is never ending.

"It should be."

>... So then what's the deal with the bed? And if you try to choke me again, I swear I will make a fireball and shove it up your ass.

"Kinky! I like it! But... I just like sleeping in the bed."

>...

"..That's it, nothing sexual happens in it. Never. Like... never. Shining hasn't even tapped Cadence in I don't even know how fucking long. Long time... fucking world distorted last time he did."

>WHOA, WHAT!?... bullshit! I call bullshit!

"It's true."

>Nuh uh! No way! You, buggo, are a liar. You're a damn dirty liar and I will not believe another word that comes out of your mouth.

"Cross my all powerful heart, hope to bite it, her and Shiny haven't done the horizontal linkup since before the first invasion. With the robots... the Blueblood robots."

>...Buuullll...

"..."

>...H-how!? HOW!? How can you just not... I mean, it's Shining!

"Right?"

>And it's CADENCE!

"...She's actually-"

>What... my world has been shattered.

"...whyyy?"

>I dunno, it's just... I figured he just went home every day and fucked the pink right off his hot as hell wife every day. That's just... just how I saw this whole setup.

"Something something, love isn't about sex, something something, personal connections mean more than physical, something something, not the goddess of lust, alicorn of LOVE, something something I drone it out."

>...World... shattered.... so, wait, does that mean him and Eighteen-

"Exactly one kiss on the lips so far."

>SERIOUSLY!?

"You thought they were fucking?"

>Yeah! Obviously!

"She wishes.... really hard."

>Waaaiiitt...Forty Two?

"Even IMPLY she's attracted to him, and she nearly caves in her head telling her brain to shut up."

>That is not healthy.

"Personal problem, she wants it to be strictly professional."

>...Huh...
"What, sad there isn't an orgy you can join in on?"

>Well, no, it's just... I dunno, I kind of just took it for granted that he got all this stuff, and he never really appreciated it...Weird... so he just kinda let you in, and you didn't have to...

She looked only slightly offended.

"First off, THEY. Cadence is the one who... really did the most with the move. She earned it, give her respect."

>Oh, right... sorry.

While certain doubts had been in her mind as to the identity of who let herself in, there was very little point in the Queen claiming such were it not valid.

"And as to your question... Did you?"

>...No, guess not.

"It's not special because you're a pony."

>...No... guess not.

The armor on her back felt strange, for some reason. The pressure against her coat a little softer. The glinting of the light just a little bit more shining.

"What was the deal with Sunset earlier, the guards seemed irritated."

>...I handled it, and everyone's safe. And... he forgave me for letting it happen.

"They said you came straight to him."

>Wanted to see if he wanted me gone. He didn't. I'll... I'll make it up to him, even though he doesn't want me to...

"I see..."

That armor suddenly didn't feel as light, or as bright, as it had a moment ago.

>...You know the funny thing? I hate that... that I'm not captain anymore, and it still stings that I'm never going to be the Wonderbolt leader again, but... if I had to go back and change just one thing? If Discord poofed in front of me and said "You get one message, and that's it forever"?... I'd tell my past self, don't give up on your friendships, don't give up on them. They're worth more than any plaque or uniform. If I could do it all again, we wouldn't have ever gotten bad like that, never.

"...Wanna go snowboarding sometimes?"

That right there? Like Discord had asked her to go disco dancing, that's how just plain bizarre it was.

>Seriously?

"Yeahh, me, Celly, Pinkie, Shining, Flutters, Twilight, we go do crazy shit all the time, it's a ball."

>And you're asking me?

"Yeah, well... I bring my friends all the time, only makes sense Shining gets to bring a few of his."

>Aren't most of those Shining's friends too?

"Yep. Shared thing, obviously."

Point taken.

And appreciated.

>...You're not as scary as you seemed, you know.

"...ahahah... ahahahahaha... ahahahahahahahahahahahahah..."

>Er-

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA! AHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!"

>...

"Still think that?"

>Nope.

"Good. Still have to keep up appearances."

>...You know the weirder part about the no sex thing, to me?

"What's that?"

>Not that Cadence never tries to have sex with Shiny... it's that he's not constantly trying to get her.

"Right!?"

>Right! Like... what!?

"Come on!"

>Exactly!

"..."

>...

"...Heh."

>Heh.

A little over a year ago, she was Captain of the Wonderbolts, top brass of the Equestrian airforce, a mare who had the ear of Celestia herself, a mare who commanded almost as much respect as a princess.

Today, she's standing on a castletop in shining, sparkling crystal armor, chatting it up with the Queen of all changelings, and making plans to go snowboarding.

It would never stop being surreal.

>...so when do I get to choose next movienight?

"HAH! Fuck that! You don't get to pick unless you get in the bed."

>No fair! Maney got to pick once.

"Friend veto on my part, overruled."

>Oh yeah? We'll see how Shiny and Cadence feels about this.

"I knew you would try to turn them against me! I knew it! No snowboards for you!"

>...

"Fine, maybe a little."

And the crazy part was, who knows where she was going to end up next?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Craig (Working Title)
"???"

Fwoosh!

The Grand and Glorious Alicorn, King of the Cosmos, He-As-Radiant-As-The-Stars folded his wings in a mad dive towards the planet below, his ethereal mane flowing behind him as he hunted his quarry.

>Crud crud crud crud CRUD! WHERE DID HE GO!?

Divine eyes scanned below through the great aether, seeking out the falling form of-

>Aha!

He caught sight of the meteor, its tumbling rocky mass falling faster and faster with each passing moment.

>Come here, you!

The stallion's horn lit up, reaching out to grab the meteor-

KABOOM!

Which exploded.

>WHAT!?

The alicorn dived to the side to avoid getting caught up in the debris, eyes opening wide as he followed the trajectory to where the rock would be.

>Uh oh.

Falling with all the grace of a brick was a figure, hulking and brutish, made of volcanic rock lined with small lava flows. It glared up at the stallion as it continued its descent.

>...hi.

With a roar, the figure reached down...

And tore off its own leg, hurling it at the stallion.

>FFF-

He swooped to the side, deftly avoiding the thrown limb.

>Okay, unorthodox, I admit, but-

Another leg nearly smashed into his face.

>-this is just plain ridic-

With a howl the creature ripped off its head and tossed it downwards, a projectile with an unmistakably dire payload.

Without another word, the stallion dove after the head, teeth gritted in determination, growing ever closer to the planet below, dangerously close...

>GOTCHA!

Forehooves closed around the burning head, the pain easily shrugged off by the god.

>Thought you were being clever, didn't you? Thought you could trick me? You were never that smart, pal.

...and then a voice, quiet and content, came from the head.

"But I did trick you."

The light was slowly dying in the head's eyes, the volcanic heat within cooling down.

"How come ponies always think the head is the most important part?"

>FFFFFFFF...

"You're spitting on me."

The alicorn's head jerked to the side, just in time to see the other four pieces of the being called Lavan fall to the earth, each equally likely to contain the spirit of the monstrous creature himself.

>...you're a jackass.

"No, I'm just weird. Good luck finding me."

And with that, the head was dead.

>...Honey? We got a problem...

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >SA
"Celestia"
~~~~

>Can we burn this whole place down?

"I JUST fixed it for the third time this year! The construction crew has been calling Canterlot the 'easy lay', one wild party and she's wrecked!"

>...Huh. Weirdly well put...

"My city is not an easy lay!"

>She rolls over for pretty much anything. Robots, giant changelings, regular changelings-

"OKAY! GET IT!"

>...So that's a yes?

"Only if I can come live with you."

>Awww, you know you can sleep over any time you like!

"No, like, live with you. I'm taking over the Crystal Empire."

>...

"..."

>...Huh.

"I will use the suns powers to melt the snow all around, and get me beachfront property."

>...Please no?

"I'M ABOUT TO DO IT!"

>I take back the burning comment.

"..."

>...Could always just punch something...

"...Meh, yeah, that seems fine."

>Who knew 42 had all of life's secrets this whole time?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >???
"Changelings"
~~~

"...So do you ever wonder what it would be like to fuck a giraffe?"

"DUDE!"

"WHAT?!"

"Stop repeating conversations! We've evaluated this over time and have deduced that having sex with a giraffe would be about the same as having sex with a really tall Zebra, this has been scientifically established and we do not need a repeat!"

"Fine! Fine, geeze, it's just... I'm really bored."

>WELL THEN I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT!

BOOM! went the vent shaft, as confetti(and a pony) exploded out of it.

>Hiya!

"OH FUCK IT"S THE PINK ONE!"

"The hot pink one with the also hot husband?"

"NO! THE OTHER ONE! THE HOT PINK ONE THAT WANTS TO PARTY ALL THE TIME!"

"""""AHHHHHHH!""""

THUMP!

"...."

>Okielokiedokiechokie! Well, since you all are here to visit, old auntie Pinkie Pie is going to help you out!

"...don'tmakeasexjokedon'tmakeasexjoke-"

>First things first, I've noticed that none of you have jobs! You're a bunch of vagrants, is what you are!

"...Hurtful..."

>Soooooo, I've decided that, you know what? I'm going to help you all!

"WE AIN'T GOIN' BACK TO PARTYLAND!"

"FUCK NO!"

>...how did you all... none of you were on...

"..."

>...Anywhooo! Nopers! I'm going to help you all by finding all of your special talents!

"Oh... uh, okay. How do you normally figure that out?'

>Your cutie mark, of course!

""""""""""""..............."""""""""""""

>What?... wait... oh, shoot... this uh... this might be a challenge.

"Ya' think?"

>B-but that's okay! Just because you don't get to know exactly what you're good for magically like ponies doesn't mean we can't find out! Now... who's good at things?

""""""""""""..............."""""""""""""

>Snickerdoodles.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"RD"
~~~~
>Welcome to Not Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content does matter, but brah you need your dose! Now for our main guest...RAINBOW DASH!!!

"Hey Pinkie."

>Since you learn differently than other folks, do you think you can learn while sleeping?

"Sleep learning? Ha...maybe? I've never tried that before, but it would be awesome if I could."

>Hmmm...
Rubs her chin.

"...Uh is there something wrong? You don't usually let the show go this long."

>Oh nothing, but I need you to wait here for a bit.

"Me wait? I don't even know the word."
Looks around. Pinkie's gone.
"Huh?"

Pinkie wanders into RD's bedroom and sets a record player.
'Becoming a Better leader, Chapter One.'

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________