Eng I Hate Kids (2019)

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Subtitles by explosiveskull

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In the West,

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the Royals can
clinch that division

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with a win over the Angels.

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Last night's one-nothing
squeaker game, the Royals.

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And once you get
a good rub on that loin,

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it's all about smokin' it.

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And how long do you
normally smoke it?

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Well, I smoke it
till it can't smoke no more.

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One, nothing lead.

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Good morning, Los Angeles

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and welcome to the
Mystic Morning Show.

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As always on Saturday mornings,

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we have The Amazing
Fabular in studios

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taking your calls and
enlightening us all

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with his psychic powers.

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First up, we have
Chaz from Mar Vista.

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Good morning, Chaz.

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Mornin'.

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What can
Fabular do for you?

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Well, I'd just like to
know where my dog Petey is.

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He went missin' about three
weeks ago and I really miss him.

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I'm seeing a dog.

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A medium-sized dog.

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Oh, he was
pretty big, actually.

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Yes, a medium large dog.

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Who's the B?

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I'm getting a strong sense of B.

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Who's the B?

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My wife!

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My wife's name is Barbara!

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Yes.

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She is upset that
the dog is lost.

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Oh, no, she
didn't like the dog at all.

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And by that, I
mean she is upset

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with you that the dog is lost.

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Yep, she wants me
to give up on him.

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But you mustn't.

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No, no, that's right.

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I've got great news
for you, Charles.

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Chaz.

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Charles, Petey is on his
way home to you right now.

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Really?

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That's great.

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Thank you, thank you, Fabular!

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I don't create what I see.

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I am merely the messenger.

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I'm comin', Petey!

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Thanks for the call, Chaz,
and good luck with Petey.

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Next up we have Tim Tai
Choi from Monterey Park.

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What can Fabular do for you?

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Yeah, hello.

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I want to ask, Mr. Fabular.

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Where you get off telling my
wife that I am cheating on her!

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The truth is liberating
but also very painful.

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Liberating?

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What liberating?

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You ruined my wife,

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- you ruined my life...
- Let it out.

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- Let the pain out.
- And my marriage!

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All right, next
up on line three,

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we have Josephine
from Rancho Cucamonga!

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Good
morning, Fabular.

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Fabular?

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Fabular?

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Hello?

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Maybe now might be a good time

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to take a short commercial break

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while Fabular
takes a meditation.

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You okay, buddy?

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You okay?

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Mason.

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She's all yours, Jimmy.

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Sure thing, Mr. Pearson.

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And thanks for
that tip last week.

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Did I give you a
big tip last week?

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Oh, the advice.

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How'd that go?

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She broke up with me.

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I see.

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Keep the change.

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Thanks.

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Hey, it's the I Hate Kids guy!

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My god.

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Oh, yeah, yeah, that's me.

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This is so cool!

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I have been waiting
here all day.

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Will you sign this for me?

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Yeah, of course.

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Man, you are a total genius.

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Oh!

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It's like you're
inside my head.

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When I found out I was
gonna have that one,

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I sat in my garage and tried
to think of ways to end it all.

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Well, the book's really
more tongue in cheek

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for those who choose
not to have kids.

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Exactly!

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You totally blew my mind!

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I was like, if I
ever meet this guy,

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we are gonna be best friends

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'cause having kids is
beyond life ruining

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and you get it, bro.

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You get it!

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Here ya go

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Oh, yeah!

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Wow.

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That's enough.

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Thanks, buddy, that's enough.

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Okay, I gotta.

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Great meeting you.

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Take care, kids.

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Hey!

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You know who that is?

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You know who that is?

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A little late,
aren't we, Nick?

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Yeah, I'm a
little late, Walter.

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I'm a little late.

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I'm gonna need a shot
of liquid courage.

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What do you suggest?

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Well, if you were 15
minutes late, I'd say wine

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but since you've crossed
over the lateness equator,

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I think we're
looking at bourbon.

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It's your professionalism
I admire, Walter.

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Bourbon, it is.

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Perfect.

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You know, I finally
finished your book

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and I caught you on Kelly
and Ryan the other day.

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You're making quite a
stir with this whole

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I Hate Kids thing.

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Mm-hmm.

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Kelly wasn't having any of it.

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No, she certainly was not.

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No, she wasn't.

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Luckily I have
a woman back here

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who is more than okay with it.

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Better not keep her waiting.

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Wish me luck.

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Good luck.

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Sorry I'm late, folks.

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You know how these book
tour press junkets go.

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Hey, Mom, hey, Dad.

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Hey, bro.

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Hi, Kelly.

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Oh.

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You're lucky I love you.

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You do know what will happen

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if you're late to the
actual wedding, right?

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Of course.

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That's why I had my lawyer
make you executor of the will.

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Well, I know that we
just wanna thank you all

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for being here with us
on this special occasion.

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I wanna make a toast to the
bravest woman I have ever met.

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Anyone who can get hitched

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to such a humongous bag of hot
air is truly one of a kind.

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So here's to Sydney's mom.

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Sorry, Phil, I couldn't resist.

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Jeez!

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Reverend!

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And Nick does not consider
the evening a success

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unless bourbon comes out of
Reverend McGooley's nose.

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Sorry, reverend,
it's the good stuff.

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We're off to a great start.

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Here we go, folks.

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- Hang in there.
- Are you okay?

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All right.

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He's good.

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Okay, my turn.

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When I first met Nick last year,
I was moderately impressed.

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He is clever, he is
devilishly handsome

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and handsomely devilish.

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He keeps me laughing and
he is smart enough to know

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when he has lost an argument.

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But I knew that he was
the man of my dreams

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when he spoke these three
precious words to me.

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I hate kids.

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What?

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Well, we're having a baby, so.

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And since my brave and
very beautiful sister Kelly

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is handling the creation
of grandchildren,

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it frees Nick and I up to pursue

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a much less complicated
life together.

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Besides, over the years I've
managed to kill a hamster,

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a gerbil, two
turtles and a horse.

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A horse?

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That was a joke, the horse.

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I didn't kill a horse.

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But my record as a care
provider is less than stellar

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so here's to a
lifetime of adventures.

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Just the two of us.

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Cheers!

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Cheers!

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Can I help you, sir?

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I think I need a drink.

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What'll it be?

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Something sweet with bubbles
and a splash of grenadine.

196
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Sounds serious.

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It's very serious.

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Do you wanna talk about it?

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It's family stuff.

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Here ya go.

201
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Thanks.

202
00:09:04,675 --> 00:09:06,542
It's okay.

203
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It's on the house.

204
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Thanks.

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Do you know where
the Pearson party is?

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Yeah, it's down the hall,

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first set of double
doors on the left.

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Wish me luck.

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Good luck.

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Okay, I will
start the ceremony

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with a little introduction like,

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dearly beloved, we are
gathered here today

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in the presence of God to
join Nicholas Buchanan Pearson

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That's me.

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and Sydney Dell Bartlett
in holy matrimony.

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Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

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Di da di da, et cetera,
et cetera, et cetera.

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And then I'm required
by the collar to ask

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be there anyone here today
who knows of any reason

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00:09:49,521 --> 00:09:53,623
why these two should not be
joined in holy matrimony?

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Speak now or forever
hold your peace.

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Excuse me.

223
00:10:01,165 --> 00:10:02,664
Can I help you, young man?

224
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I do.

225
00:10:03,668 --> 00:10:05,033
You do what?

226
00:10:06,972 --> 00:10:07,703
Well, I mean, this seemed like

227
00:10:07,705 --> 00:10:09,572
the perfect moment to say it

228
00:10:09,574 --> 00:10:12,475
since you asked the
question, right?

229
00:10:12,477 --> 00:10:13,408
What's goin' on, buddy?

230
00:10:13,410 --> 00:10:16,012
What are you talkin' about?

231
00:10:16,014 --> 00:10:17,583
You're my father.

232
00:10:19,550 --> 00:10:22,085
It was just one night.

233
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Not you, sir.

234
00:10:23,121 --> 00:10:24,957
No, him.

235
00:10:26,690 --> 00:10:28,390
He's my father.

236
00:10:28,392 --> 00:10:30,360
I'm your dad?

237
00:10:30,362 --> 00:10:33,062
Yes, you're my father.

238
00:10:33,064 --> 00:10:34,934
Who is this, Nick?

239
00:10:36,001 --> 00:10:37,133
Who is this?

240
00:10:37,135 --> 00:10:38,134
Oh, ha, ha, ha.

241
00:10:38,136 --> 00:10:41,004
Very funny, hilarious!

242
00:10:41,006 --> 00:10:44,773
Whose inappropriate little
caper is this, Larry?

243
00:10:44,775 --> 00:10:45,741
Brian, you do this?

244
00:10:45,743 --> 00:10:47,342
No.

245
00:10:47,344 --> 00:10:48,344
Simon?

246
00:10:48,346 --> 00:10:49,578
- No.
- Not me.

247
00:10:49,580 --> 00:10:51,179
Was it any of
these guys 'cause...

248
00:10:51,181 --> 00:10:53,682
I don't know who
these people are.

249
00:10:53,684 --> 00:10:55,751
Ooh, is that cake?

250
00:10:55,753 --> 00:10:57,253
I love cake.

251
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All right, son.

252
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You've had your little joke.

253
00:11:01,525 --> 00:11:03,359
Now just move along.

254
00:11:03,361 --> 00:11:05,394
It's not a joke, ma'am.

255
00:11:05,396 --> 00:11:06,696
He's my dad.

256
00:11:06,698 --> 00:11:09,499
All right, well,
in typical fashion,

257
00:11:09,501 --> 00:11:11,701
my ingenious friends
at The Jonathan Club

258
00:11:11,703 --> 00:11:14,537
just don't know when
to end the sketch.

259
00:11:14,539 --> 00:11:15,738
I'm just gonna take a moment

260
00:11:15,740 --> 00:11:19,542
to tip this little thespian
for his stirring performance

261
00:11:19,544 --> 00:11:23,314
and I'll be back before
you finish your cake.

262
00:11:24,681 --> 00:11:27,182
All right, I'm afraid I'm
unaware of the protocols

263
00:11:27,184 --> 00:11:29,818
when it comes to gratuities
for embarrassment

264
00:11:29,820 --> 00:11:31,155
so bear with me.

265
00:11:32,424 --> 00:11:34,190
50 gonna do it?

266
00:11:34,192 --> 00:11:35,224
What are you talking about?

267
00:11:35,226 --> 00:11:36,392
I am talking about your tip.

268
00:11:36,394 --> 00:11:37,726
Just take it and
tell whoever sent you

269
00:11:37,728 --> 00:11:39,662
that you did an
absolutely smashing job

270
00:11:39,664 --> 00:11:41,197
of disrupting my evening.

271
00:11:41,199 --> 00:11:42,465
I don't want your money.

272
00:11:42,467 --> 00:11:43,432
Look, kid, take it.

273
00:11:43,434 --> 00:11:45,067
I'm not usually this generous.

274
00:11:45,069 --> 00:11:48,203
Listen, I need
you to find my mom.

275
00:11:48,205 --> 00:11:49,471
Buddy, I don't know you

276
00:11:49,473 --> 00:11:50,673
so I wouldn't know
who your mother is.

277
00:11:50,675 --> 00:11:53,809
Well, you must have known
her, at least a little bit.

278
00:11:53,811 --> 00:11:54,644
Why?

279
00:11:54,646 --> 00:11:55,677
Because you're my dad.

280
00:11:55,679 --> 00:11:56,578
Look, stop saying that.

281
00:11:56,580 --> 00:11:57,312
I'm not your dad.

282
00:11:57,314 --> 00:11:57,980
- But you are.
- No, I'm not.

283
00:11:57,982 --> 00:11:58,847
- Yes, you are.
- I'm not!

284
00:11:58,849 --> 00:12:00,649
- Yes, you are!
- Stop contradicting me.

285
00:12:00,651 --> 00:12:01,451
See?

286
00:12:01,453 --> 00:12:02,284
You sound like a father.

287
00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:03,251
I do not.

288
00:12:03,253 --> 00:12:03,852
- Yes, you do.
- I do not.

289
00:12:03,854 --> 00:12:05,120
But really, you do.

290
00:12:05,122 --> 00:12:06,721
Look, this is ridiculous.

291
00:12:06,723 --> 00:12:08,124
No, thank you, we're all set.

292
00:12:08,126 --> 00:12:08,857
What does he want?

293
00:12:08,859 --> 00:12:09,792
He wants to give us a towel.

294
00:12:09,794 --> 00:12:10,625
Why?

295
00:12:10,627 --> 00:12:11,860
'Cause it's his job.

296
00:12:11,862 --> 00:12:12,562
Well, why don't you take a
towel and let him do his job?

297
00:12:12,564 --> 00:12:13,361
'Cause I don't want a towel!

298
00:12:13,363 --> 00:12:14,163
I wanna get rid of
you and get back

299
00:12:14,165 --> 00:12:15,798
- to my wedding rehearsal.
- Thanks.

300
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,166
Can I keep this?

301
00:12:17,168 --> 00:12:17,866
No, yes, whatever,
I don't care.

302
00:12:17,868 --> 00:12:19,268
I don't care at all.

303
00:12:19,270 --> 00:12:20,870
Just take the money,
kid, and get outta here.

304
00:12:20,872 --> 00:12:22,404
Nick?

305
00:12:22,406 --> 00:12:24,273
What's going on?

306
00:12:24,275 --> 00:12:25,107
Is she supposed to be in here?

307
00:12:25,109 --> 00:12:26,308
No.

308
00:12:26,310 --> 00:12:27,243
Don't worry, Syd,
I'm handling it.

309
00:12:27,245 --> 00:12:28,711
Everyone's waiting for you.

310
00:12:28,713 --> 00:12:29,846
Did you know this man
gives free towels to people?

311
00:12:29,848 --> 00:12:31,880
Oh, hi, thank you.

312
00:12:31,882 --> 00:12:33,648
Nick, do you have a...?

313
00:12:33,650 --> 00:12:34,749
Yes, here, thank you so much.

314
00:12:34,751 --> 00:12:36,751
- Gotta go, coming through.
- That's for the towels.

315
00:12:36,753 --> 00:12:39,221
Look, Syd, I'll be
right there, okay?

316
00:12:39,223 --> 00:12:40,456
I'm just wrapping things up

317
00:12:40,458 --> 00:12:41,657
with our wonderful
performer there.

318
00:12:41,659 --> 00:12:42,825
Okay, please hurry.

319
00:12:42,827 --> 00:12:43,893
Yeah, two minutes, love.

320
00:12:43,895 --> 00:12:44,730
I promise.

321
00:12:47,131 --> 00:12:48,663
So what's the plan, Dad?

322
00:12:48,665 --> 00:12:49,499
Stop calling me
that, all right?

323
00:12:49,501 --> 00:12:50,600
I'm not your dad.

324
00:12:50,602 --> 00:12:52,869
Where'd you get that stupid
idea from anyway, huh?

325
00:12:52,871 --> 00:12:54,637
From him.

326
00:12:54,639 --> 00:12:55,741
How do you do?

327
00:12:57,842 --> 00:13:00,375
I am The Amazing Fabular.

328
00:13:00,377 --> 00:13:02,144
What is that, a service rat?

329
00:13:02,146 --> 00:13:03,812
Mr. Sparkles is a dog.

330
00:13:03,814 --> 00:13:05,447
He is my portal to
other dimensions

331
00:13:05,449 --> 00:13:06,749
of sight and sound
that provide me

332
00:13:06,751 --> 00:13:09,284
with the gift of clairvoyance.

333
00:13:09,286 --> 00:13:11,921
Oh, you're a fortune teller?

334
00:13:12,756 --> 00:13:15,557
I am a world-class
psychic, sir.

335
00:13:15,559 --> 00:13:17,426
I have clients among persons

336
00:13:17,428 --> 00:13:19,828
of the most well-known
celebrity and high society.

337
00:13:19,830 --> 00:13:22,831
Yeah, and here you
are in the men's room.

338
00:13:22,833 --> 00:13:24,866
Hmm, as unaccustomed as I am

339
00:13:24,868 --> 00:13:26,701
to having to avouch
my credentials

340
00:13:26,703 --> 00:13:28,504
within earshot of
a public commode,

341
00:13:28,506 --> 00:13:30,907
I can tell you that unequivocally,
this boy tells the truth.

342
00:13:30,909 --> 00:13:32,508
You are his father.

343
00:13:32,510 --> 00:13:33,341
Oh, yeah?

344
00:13:33,343 --> 00:13:35,811
What makes you so sure?

345
00:13:35,813 --> 00:13:38,313
Mr. Sparkles told me.

346
00:13:40,184 --> 00:13:42,618
Oh, excuse me, let
me get this straight.

347
00:13:42,620 --> 00:13:44,486
You want me to believe
that this man-child here

348
00:13:44,488 --> 00:13:45,855
is the fruit of my loins

349
00:13:45,857 --> 00:13:49,392
because you received
a cosmic message

350
00:13:49,394 --> 00:13:50,625
through the strange
little rodent

351
00:13:50,627 --> 00:13:51,726
that's tucked in your armpit?

352
00:13:51,728 --> 00:13:52,727
Is that it?

353
00:13:52,729 --> 00:13:54,429
Precisely, ruff!

354
00:13:54,431 --> 00:13:55,965
Excuse me, I'm due
back on planet Earth.

355
00:13:55,967 --> 00:14:00,769
Uh-uh, perhaps, these DNA
results will convince you.

356
00:14:00,771 --> 00:14:01,672
DNA what?

357
00:14:08,846 --> 00:14:10,712
Nicholas, Nicholas!

358
00:14:10,714 --> 00:14:13,749
What is this crap about
me gettin' cut off, huh?

359
00:14:13,751 --> 00:14:15,585
It's humiliating.

360
00:14:15,587 --> 00:14:17,852
Nicholas, what
has gotten into you?

361
00:14:17,854 --> 00:14:19,688
I mean, what in the
world is going on?

362
00:14:19,690 --> 00:14:21,490
I am very disappointed in you.

363
00:14:21,492 --> 00:14:22,658
Tell Syd

364
00:14:22,660 --> 00:14:23,525
- that I will be right in.
- And by the way,

365
00:14:23,527 --> 00:14:25,794
who the, is that kid?

366
00:14:25,796 --> 00:14:27,395
- I will be right back.
- Money into this...

367
00:14:27,397 --> 00:14:28,397
Take the reverend with you.

368
00:14:28,399 --> 00:14:30,869
Get him a drink,
get me one, too.

369
00:14:32,536 --> 00:14:34,971
All right, I don't know
what to make of this.

370
00:14:34,973 --> 00:14:38,874
And you've kind of caught me
at an awkward moment so just

371
00:14:38,876 --> 00:14:40,909
meet me at this address
at 11 p.m. tonight.

372
00:14:40,911 --> 00:14:42,278
Can you do that?

373
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:43,312
Sure.

374
00:14:43,314 --> 00:14:44,779
All right.

375
00:14:44,781 --> 00:14:46,014
Why don't you take that towel
and get rid of that thing

376
00:14:46,016 --> 00:14:48,753
that's hanging from
your nostril, kid?

377
00:14:50,454 --> 00:14:51,622
Thanks, Dad.

378
00:14:53,891 --> 00:14:55,394
See you tonight.

379
00:14:57,261 --> 00:14:58,927
I see good things
in your future.

380
00:14:58,929 --> 00:15:00,929
Bye, Mom, bye, Dad.

381
00:15:00,931 --> 00:15:03,666
- Goodbye, cake eater.
- I love you so, so much.

382
00:15:03,668 --> 00:15:04,966
Thank you for everything.

383
00:15:04,968 --> 00:15:06,001
I'll see you Sunday

384
00:15:06,003 --> 00:15:07,370
- at the wedding.
- Love you, honey.

385
00:15:07,372 --> 00:15:09,304
- I love you, Dad.
- Bye, dear.

386
00:15:09,306 --> 00:15:10,605
Oh, bye, bye, guys.

387
00:15:10,607 --> 00:15:11,440
Hey.

388
00:15:11,442 --> 00:15:12,374
Sorry.

389
00:15:12,376 --> 00:15:13,408
What was that all about?

390
00:15:13,410 --> 00:15:14,342
What?

391
00:15:14,344 --> 00:15:15,977
The whole kid prank thing?

392
00:15:15,979 --> 00:15:17,013
Who would do that?

393
00:15:17,015 --> 00:15:17,913
That's not cool.

394
00:15:17,915 --> 00:15:19,548
I know, it was so
tasteless, right?

395
00:15:19,550 --> 00:15:21,049
And that kid wouldn't
tell me who hired him.

396
00:15:21,051 --> 00:15:23,318
He must have been
paid a lot of money.

397
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:23,952
He's a good actor.

398
00:15:23,954 --> 00:15:25,388
Yeah.

399
00:15:25,390 --> 00:15:27,322
Anyway, it's an
awkward memory now.

400
00:15:27,324 --> 00:15:29,357
Hey, this book publicity
has just got me exhausted.

401
00:15:29,359 --> 00:15:30,993
My bed is calling me.

402
00:15:30,995 --> 00:15:32,628
Oh, yeah, honey, I understand.

403
00:15:32,630 --> 00:15:33,663
Why don't you go get some sleep?

404
00:15:33,665 --> 00:15:34,596
- Okay.
- I'm gonna stay

405
00:15:34,598 --> 00:15:36,065
and have a drink with Kelly.

406
00:15:36,067 --> 00:15:37,966
I'm gonna drink,
she's gonna eat cake.

407
00:15:37,968 --> 00:15:39,302
Okay.

408
00:15:39,304 --> 00:15:40,302
Hey, Syd?

409
00:15:40,304 --> 00:15:40,936
Yes?

410
00:15:40,938 --> 00:15:42,304
I love you.

411
00:15:42,306 --> 00:15:43,639
You'd better, there's
no going back now.

412
00:15:43,641 --> 00:15:44,874
But I will see you tomorrow.

413
00:15:44,876 --> 00:15:46,008
We've gotta go over
music for the band

414
00:15:46,010 --> 00:15:47,777
and seating arrangements.

415
00:15:47,779 --> 00:15:48,677
Can't wait.

416
00:15:48,679 --> 00:15:50,046
Mwah, 10:15!

417
00:15:50,048 --> 00:15:50,913
With bells on!

418
00:15:50,915 --> 00:15:51,750
Okay.

419
00:15:55,053 --> 00:15:56,085
He seems in a hurry.

420
00:15:56,087 --> 00:15:57,720
He's
dead tired, Kelly.

421
00:15:57,722 --> 00:15:58,921
Uh-huh.

422
00:15:58,923 --> 00:16:00,089
What's
that supposed to mean?

423
00:16:00,091 --> 00:16:02,557
Uh-huh, from the Latin.

424
00:16:02,559 --> 00:16:04,360
Uh meaning he's acting fishy,

425
00:16:04,362 --> 00:16:06,328
and huh meaning he's
up to something.

426
00:16:06,330 --> 00:16:08,029
Okay, spare me your
paranoid fantasies.

427
00:16:08,031 --> 00:16:10,466
I know you don't like Nick
but you gotta get used to him.

428
00:16:10,468 --> 00:16:12,067
As of Sunday, he's family.

429
00:16:12,069 --> 00:16:13,668
I like him fine.

430
00:16:13,670 --> 00:16:16,004
He's just, you
know, he's a little,

431
00:16:16,006 --> 00:16:17,673
a little too perfect.

432
00:16:17,675 --> 00:16:18,974
You talking about in bed?

433
00:16:18,976 --> 00:16:20,011
What?

434
00:16:21,612 --> 00:16:25,581
- Don't hit my belly!
- I didn't mean to!

435
00:16:25,583 --> 00:16:26,548
Can I have your wine?

436
00:16:26,550 --> 00:16:27,383
No, you can't have wine.

437
00:16:27,385 --> 00:16:28,017
Can I have a sip?

438
00:16:28,019 --> 00:16:29,788
No wine, no sips.

439
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:36,926
First of all,
absolutely no one

440
00:16:36,928 --> 00:16:38,594
can know about this meeting.

441
00:16:38,596 --> 00:16:40,096
Is that clear?

442
00:16:40,098 --> 00:16:41,663
Perhaps we should talk in code

443
00:16:41,665 --> 00:16:43,065
in case your house
has been bugged

444
00:16:43,067 --> 00:16:45,033
by the secret paternity police?

445
00:16:45,035 --> 00:16:47,036
I'm so glad you're
amused by this.

446
00:16:47,038 --> 00:16:48,604
You have no idea what
this could do to me.

447
00:16:48,606 --> 00:16:49,941
Oh, yes, I do.

448
00:16:50,942 --> 00:16:52,174
Scandal!

449
00:16:52,176 --> 00:16:55,043
Man who makes fun of people
who have children for a living

450
00:16:55,045 --> 00:16:57,145
doesn't know he
has one of his own.

451
00:16:57,147 --> 00:16:58,547
Tabloids love that
kind of stuff.

452
00:16:58,549 --> 00:17:00,482
It's not just that.

453
00:17:00,484 --> 00:17:01,116
It's Sydney.

454
00:17:01,118 --> 00:17:02,784
Who's he?

455
00:17:02,786 --> 00:17:05,520
She is my fiancee and we're
getting married on Sunday.

456
00:17:05,522 --> 00:17:06,489
What's wrong?

457
00:17:06,491 --> 00:17:08,457
You don't think she'll like me?

458
00:17:08,459 --> 00:17:11,160
Well, children aren't
part of our plan.

459
00:17:11,162 --> 00:17:13,561
Well, you should have made
that plan before you made me.

460
00:17:13,563 --> 00:17:15,698
Preach the gospel.

461
00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:17,799
That's insane.

462
00:17:17,801 --> 00:17:21,036
How do I even know
that this is my DNA?

463
00:17:21,038 --> 00:17:23,605
Well, about six months ago,

464
00:17:23,607 --> 00:17:25,641
I was listening to
Fabular's radio show.

465
00:17:25,643 --> 00:17:27,710
Saturday mornings,
we have The Amazing Fabular.

466
00:17:27,712 --> 00:17:29,979
Which I really like to
listen to every Saturday.

467
00:17:29,981 --> 00:17:32,615
I like the extra sensory
perception and stuff.

468
00:17:32,617 --> 00:17:36,519
And all of a sudden, The
Amazing Fabular says...

469
00:17:36,521 --> 00:17:37,356
Mason?

470
00:17:38,522 --> 00:17:40,692
I know who your father is.

471
00:17:41,858 --> 00:17:44,993
So of course I'm
like, wait a second.

472
00:17:44,995 --> 00:17:49,164
My name is Mason so maybe I'm
the Mason he's talking about.

473
00:17:49,166 --> 00:17:52,601
So I call up the show and
Fabular tells me it's me

474
00:17:52,603 --> 00:17:56,971
and that my dad's a famous
writer named Nick Pearson.

475
00:17:56,973 --> 00:17:57,975
That's you.

476
00:17:59,109 --> 00:18:00,875
Yes, I know that that's me.

477
00:18:00,877 --> 00:18:02,111
I mean, what are the odds?

478
00:18:02,113 --> 00:18:05,114
Crazy ones, if you think about
it because when I was born,

479
00:18:05,116 --> 00:18:07,082
Mason was a super popular name,

480
00:18:07,084 --> 00:18:10,085
so there are like
a kajillion Masons.

481
00:18:10,087 --> 00:18:11,453
Sure, okay.

482
00:18:11,455 --> 00:18:12,821
So then I went on the internet

483
00:18:12,823 --> 00:18:14,656
and I Googled Nick Pearson.

484
00:18:14,658 --> 00:18:16,759
And a lot of stuff came up
about how you write books,

485
00:18:16,761 --> 00:18:18,861
about how you hate
kids and little dogs.

486
00:18:18,863 --> 00:18:20,195
Yeah, and I hate psychics.

487
00:18:20,197 --> 00:18:22,163
Where are your manners?

488
00:18:22,165 --> 00:18:24,165
Go on, come on.

489
00:18:24,167 --> 00:18:26,134
Get to the DNA bit.

490
00:18:26,136 --> 00:18:28,938
Right, well, I needed
some part of your body.

491
00:18:28,940 --> 00:18:30,940
So I went on eBay
and I found somebody

492
00:18:30,942 --> 00:18:32,540
selling a lock of your hair.

493
00:18:32,542 --> 00:18:33,642
What?

494
00:18:33,644 --> 00:18:35,243
Yeah, it's your barber.

495
00:18:35,245 --> 00:18:37,078
He collects the hair
of his famous clients

496
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:38,849
and sells it on eBay.

497
00:18:40,251 --> 00:18:42,151
That could be anybody's hair.

498
00:18:42,153 --> 00:18:44,619
Is your barber named
Nino Spaghettios?

499
00:18:44,621 --> 00:18:46,255
Nino Spanetti.

500
00:18:46,257 --> 00:18:48,156
Oh, my god.

501
00:18:48,158 --> 00:18:51,527
So then I bid on
the auction and I won.

502
00:18:51,529 --> 00:18:55,196
Then I found a place on the
internet that does DNA testing.

503
00:18:55,198 --> 00:19:00,204
So I cut off a piece of my
hair and sent in those samples.

504
00:19:03,007 --> 00:19:05,143
A few weeks later,
the results came back.

505
00:19:07,244 --> 00:19:09,044
It was a match!

506
00:19:09,046 --> 00:19:10,011
Yes!

507
00:19:10,013 --> 00:19:10,848
Yes, yes!

508
00:19:11,915 --> 00:19:14,215
So then I called The
Amazing Fabular to tell him

509
00:19:14,217 --> 00:19:16,050
and he said he wanted
see the look on your face

510
00:19:16,052 --> 00:19:17,553
when I told you.

511
00:19:17,555 --> 00:19:20,559
There's nothing
like live theater.

512
00:19:24,861 --> 00:19:27,162
I know what I'm gonna
title my next book.

513
00:19:27,164 --> 00:19:31,232
I Hate the Internet
and Hairstylists.

514
00:19:31,234 --> 00:19:33,237
Don't forget psychics.

515
00:19:35,071 --> 00:19:36,073
All right.

516
00:19:37,541 --> 00:19:39,008
What do you want, kid?

517
00:19:39,010 --> 00:19:40,542
I just wanna find my mom.

518
00:19:40,544 --> 00:19:41,479
Your mom?

519
00:19:42,646 --> 00:19:44,779
Who's been taking care
of you all these years?

520
00:19:44,781 --> 00:19:46,949
I have a foster mother.

521
00:19:46,951 --> 00:19:48,584
Annie Gordon.

522
00:19:48,586 --> 00:19:50,219
This is really good, Annie.

523
00:19:50,221 --> 00:19:52,988
But she's getting really old.

524
00:19:52,990 --> 00:19:54,925
And she has narcolepsy.

525
00:19:57,194 --> 00:19:58,093
Annie?

526
00:19:58,095 --> 00:19:59,929
She can't take care
of herself anymore

527
00:19:59,931 --> 00:20:02,964
so she's being moved into a home

528
00:20:02,966 --> 00:20:06,035
which means I'll end
up back in foster care.

529
00:20:06,037 --> 00:20:09,971
That's why she let me come here
with Fabular to find my mom.

530
00:20:09,973 --> 00:20:13,909
A wise, wise woman, with
an acute sense of character.

531
00:20:13,911 --> 00:20:16,778
I imagine she wouldn't
like you very much.

532
00:20:16,780 --> 00:20:19,114
Look, I know you
don't want me, Nick

533
00:20:19,116 --> 00:20:20,782
because you're famous
for hating kids and all.

534
00:20:20,784 --> 00:20:24,255
No, I don't exactly hate kids.

535
00:20:24,955 --> 00:20:28,792
You're the only one
who knows who my mom is.

536
00:20:32,863 --> 00:20:34,866
Okay, how old are you?

537
00:20:35,832 --> 00:20:36,634
13.

538
00:20:37,635 --> 00:20:38,837
13 plus nine.

539
00:20:40,704 --> 00:20:43,875
Where was I 14 years ago?

540
00:20:46,344 --> 00:20:48,076
Oh, my god.

541
00:20:48,078 --> 00:20:51,279
All right, this is gonna be
more difficult than I thought.

542
00:20:51,281 --> 00:20:56,117
Let's say I was acquainted
with a lotta different ladies

543
00:20:56,119 --> 00:20:57,685
at that time of my life.

544
00:20:57,687 --> 00:20:58,753
How quaint.

545
00:20:58,755 --> 00:20:59,954
And that's the other issue.

546
00:20:59,956 --> 00:21:03,692
I don't want my fiancee or
my in-laws to know about this

547
00:21:03,694 --> 00:21:05,827
bountiful romantic
history of mine.

548
00:21:05,829 --> 00:21:07,762
You have such
a way with words.

549
00:21:07,764 --> 00:21:09,932
You really should be
writing cards for Hallmark.

550
00:21:09,934 --> 00:21:11,666
Hey, if you're
such a good psychic,

551
00:21:11,668 --> 00:21:14,369
how come you can't
see who his mother is?

552
00:21:14,371 --> 00:21:16,404
Because this journey was meant

553
00:21:16,406 --> 00:21:17,839
for the both of you
to take together.

554
00:21:17,841 --> 00:21:19,307
Isn't that right, Mr. Sparkles?

555
00:21:22,379 --> 00:21:23,581
All right.

556
00:21:26,117 --> 00:21:29,852
Despite the chorus
of voices in my head

557
00:21:29,854 --> 00:21:31,086
that are screaming like banshees

558
00:21:31,088 --> 00:21:34,259
to run like hell
from you two weirdos,

559
00:21:36,059 --> 00:21:37,358
I'll help you.

560
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:38,460
Really?

561
00:21:38,462 --> 00:21:43,265
But the deal is I will
give you two days of my time

562
00:21:43,267 --> 00:21:46,367
and if we don't discover
who your mom is by then,

563
00:21:46,369 --> 00:21:47,303
you move on, I move on

564
00:21:47,305 --> 00:21:49,070
and we close this
chapter of our lives.

565
00:21:49,072 --> 00:21:50,138
Is that clear?

566
00:21:50,140 --> 00:21:50,941
Deal.

567
00:21:55,745 --> 00:21:57,445
All right, meet me back
here tomorrow morning.

568
00:21:57,447 --> 00:22:00,048
I'll research the possibilities.

569
00:22:00,050 --> 00:22:01,416
And with any luck, I'll wake up

570
00:22:01,418 --> 00:22:05,319
and this will be a
bourbon-induced nightmare.

571
00:22:05,321 --> 00:22:06,788
Let us take leave
of this Lothario

572
00:22:06,790 --> 00:22:08,723
and investigate the
many places this man

573
00:22:08,725 --> 00:22:10,895
may have planted his seed.

574
00:22:12,096 --> 00:22:14,098
We'll see ourselves out.

575
00:22:14,999 --> 00:22:16,832
Night, Dad.

576
00:22:16,834 --> 00:22:18,901
Good night, kid.

577
00:22:18,903 --> 00:22:19,971
It's Mason.

578
00:22:20,870 --> 00:22:22,339
Good night, Mason.

579
00:22:40,724 --> 00:22:41,824
Thank you.

580
00:22:41,826 --> 00:22:43,092
Thanks, come again.

581
00:22:45,396 --> 00:22:47,028
Hey, sweetheart,
where are you?

582
00:22:47,030 --> 00:22:47,930
Don't say late.

583
00:22:47,932 --> 00:22:48,797
Where is he?

584
00:22:50,267 --> 00:22:53,268
Hey, look, Syd, a
little situation came up.

585
00:22:53,270 --> 00:22:54,435
A situation?

586
00:22:54,437 --> 00:22:55,804
Oh, really?

587
00:22:55,806 --> 00:22:57,105
I said, shush!

588
00:22:57,107 --> 00:22:58,073
What'd you say?

589
00:22:58,075 --> 00:22:58,906
Not you, hon.

590
00:22:58,908 --> 00:23:00,409
What's going on?

591
00:23:00,411 --> 00:23:03,112
Oh, well, so I got a call
from Albert this morning.

592
00:23:03,114 --> 00:23:06,381
It turns out one of their
college circuit lecturers

593
00:23:06,383 --> 00:23:07,782
dropped out.

594
00:23:07,784 --> 00:23:10,486
I gotta pop up to Santa
Barbara and fill in.

595
00:23:10,488 --> 00:23:12,121
And you agreed?

596
00:23:12,123 --> 00:23:13,489
You've gotta be
kidding me, Nick!

597
00:23:13,491 --> 00:23:14,789
What is it?

598
00:23:14,791 --> 00:23:16,025
- What is he doing?
- Stop!

599
00:23:16,027 --> 00:23:18,227
I know that the timing is
inconvenient but it's Albert.

600
00:23:18,229 --> 00:23:19,461
It's not like I
can say no to him.

601
00:23:19,463 --> 00:23:20,796
He's my publisher, babe.

602
00:23:20,798 --> 00:23:22,364
A little inconvenient?

603
00:23:22,366 --> 00:23:24,432
The wedding is this Sunday!

604
00:23:24,434 --> 00:23:26,067
I mean, can't they
find somebody else?

605
00:23:26,069 --> 00:23:28,403
Maybe somebody who
isn't about to celebrate

606
00:23:28,405 --> 00:23:30,905
the most important day
of their entire life?

607
00:23:30,907 --> 00:23:32,540
I'll only be gone a day.

608
00:23:32,542 --> 00:23:33,374
Maybe two.

609
00:23:33,376 --> 00:23:34,308
Two?

610
00:23:34,310 --> 00:23:36,244
I don't know what to say.

611
00:23:36,246 --> 00:23:37,479
I'll be back
before you know it.

612
00:23:37,481 --> 00:23:39,181
Besides, don't they
say it's bad luck

613
00:23:39,183 --> 00:23:41,450
for the groom to see the
bride before the wedding?

614
00:23:41,452 --> 00:23:44,086
But they don't mean
the whole weekend!

615
00:23:44,088 --> 00:23:46,855
And I love how understanding
you're being, honey.

616
00:23:46,857 --> 00:23:49,258
No, I'm actually not
being understanding.

617
00:23:49,260 --> 00:23:52,161
This is not the sound of
someone being understanding.

618
00:23:52,163 --> 00:23:53,561
Oh, my gosh.

619
00:23:53,563 --> 00:23:55,263
Okay, so now you
suddenly have to disappear

620
00:23:55,265 --> 00:23:57,065
for a few days right
before your own wedding?

621
00:23:57,067 --> 00:23:58,432
That sounds pretty
suspicious to me, Nick.

622
00:23:58,434 --> 00:24:00,501
Hey, Kelly, my
favorite sister.

623
00:24:00,503 --> 00:24:02,471
In-law.

624
00:24:02,473 --> 00:24:04,138
All right, look,
I gotta get going

625
00:24:04,140 --> 00:24:07,111
so tell Syd I'll ring her
when I get there, bye.

626
00:24:10,580 --> 00:24:12,815
I'm telling you,
he's up to something.

627
00:24:12,817 --> 00:24:14,549
Maybe it is something good.

628
00:24:14,551 --> 00:24:16,951
Did you ever think of that?

629
00:24:16,953 --> 00:24:21,056
No, Sydney, there is
something he's not telling you.

630
00:24:21,058 --> 00:24:22,223
And I think it has
something to do

631
00:24:22,225 --> 00:24:24,058
with that kid from last night.

632
00:24:24,060 --> 00:24:26,461
Nick just explained
the situation

633
00:24:26,463 --> 00:24:28,262
and I have no reason
not to trust him.

634
00:24:28,264 --> 00:24:30,164
I'm just saying.

635
00:24:30,166 --> 00:24:31,336
I have to pee.

636
00:24:32,936 --> 00:24:34,603
Oh, oh, oh, oh!

637
00:24:34,605 --> 00:24:35,837
The baby's kicking!

638
00:24:35,839 --> 00:24:36,471
You wanna feel it?

639
00:24:36,473 --> 00:24:37,940
No, I'm okay.

640
00:24:37,942 --> 00:24:39,141
No, no, come on,
feel it, feel it.

641
00:24:39,143 --> 00:24:40,075
No, I actually
don't wanna feel it.

642
00:24:40,077 --> 00:24:41,076
Just feel it for a second.

643
00:24:41,078 --> 00:24:41,676
- Just for a second.
- Actually, I don't really

644
00:24:41,678 --> 00:24:42,377
- want to.
- No, come here.

645
00:24:42,379 --> 00:24:45,513
Say hello to your Aunt Sydney!

646
00:24:45,515 --> 00:24:47,449
Ooh, it's just so weird!

647
00:24:47,451 --> 00:24:48,851
It's so strange!

648
00:24:48,853 --> 00:24:51,053
Why can't human
beings just lay eggs

649
00:24:51,055 --> 00:24:53,888
like more sensible species
of the animal kingdom?

650
00:24:53,890 --> 00:24:55,590
Like peacocks and platypuses.

651
00:24:55,592 --> 00:24:57,896
It's just so much easier.

652
00:25:06,036 --> 00:25:07,869
Ow!

653
00:25:10,241 --> 00:25:11,573
Whoa, what the?

654
00:25:11,575 --> 00:25:12,477
Surprise.

655
00:25:13,877 --> 00:25:14,777
How'd you get in here?

656
00:25:14,779 --> 00:25:16,411
You said to come
back in the morning.

657
00:25:16,413 --> 00:25:18,547
The door was unlocked.

658
00:25:18,549 --> 00:25:20,615
What are you doing
to my furniture?

659
00:25:20,617 --> 00:25:22,550
The feng shui was off.

660
00:25:22,552 --> 00:25:24,486
It simply had to be done.

661
00:25:24,488 --> 00:25:26,488
Fabular needs room
to have a clean aura

662
00:25:26,490 --> 00:25:27,890
to receive messages.

663
00:25:27,892 --> 00:25:29,391
Yeah?

664
00:25:29,393 --> 00:25:31,526
Is he receiving the message
I'm sending him right now?

665
00:25:31,528 --> 00:25:32,961
Do you loofah?

666
00:25:32,963 --> 00:25:33,929
Do I what?

667
00:25:33,931 --> 00:25:35,463
Loofah, I mean, do you loofah?

668
00:25:35,465 --> 00:25:36,298
I don't loofah.

669
00:25:36,300 --> 00:25:37,598
You should loofah.

670
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:39,268
I don't wanna loofah.

671
00:25:39,270 --> 00:25:40,903
It removes the dead cells

672
00:25:40,905 --> 00:25:45,274
and helps add a delightful
luster to your skin.

673
00:25:45,276 --> 00:25:47,375
I got a book on the New
York Times Best Seller list.

674
00:25:47,377 --> 00:25:49,146
I don't need a
delightful luster.

675
00:25:56,319 --> 00:25:59,957
Your rat took a
dump on my carpet.

676
00:26:01,457 --> 00:26:03,624
Oh, Mr. Sparkles!

677
00:26:03,626 --> 00:26:07,098
Why didn't you tell me you
needed to make a stinky?

678
00:26:08,933 --> 00:26:11,133
Santa Barbara, huh?

679
00:26:11,135 --> 00:26:13,134
Ooh, maybe you should pop
by for a surprise visit.

680
00:26:13,136 --> 00:26:14,670
Ha, ha, that's funny

681
00:26:14,672 --> 00:26:16,672
but we still have to hit the
bridal shop and nail salon.

682
00:26:16,674 --> 00:26:18,406
Okay, I was just saying, I
thought it'd be a nice gesture.

683
00:26:18,408 --> 00:26:20,509
That would be a sneaky
and suspicious gesture.

684
00:26:20,511 --> 00:26:21,676
Only if he's actually there.

685
00:26:21,678 --> 00:26:22,544
Of course he's there!

686
00:26:22,546 --> 00:26:23,679
Just stop it, Kelly.

687
00:26:23,681 --> 00:26:25,579
There's no way you're
getting into my head on this.

688
00:26:25,581 --> 00:26:26,647
I'm pretty sure I will.

689
00:26:26,649 --> 00:26:28,652
Just drink your juice.

690
00:26:31,454 --> 00:26:32,653
Last night, I sorted
through all these letters

691
00:26:32,655 --> 00:26:36,191
and address books and I came
up with a few possibilities.

692
00:26:36,193 --> 00:26:39,030
Mmm, I'm sensing
something here.

693
00:26:40,297 --> 00:26:41,696
Oh, I'm so glad you're here

694
00:26:41,698 --> 00:26:44,066
to substantiate all my research.

695
00:26:44,068 --> 00:26:46,367
I'm getting an A.

696
00:26:46,369 --> 00:26:48,069
A really big A.

697
00:26:48,071 --> 00:26:49,971
Well, that makes two of us.

698
00:26:49,973 --> 00:26:51,640
Such darkness!

699
00:26:51,642 --> 00:26:54,108
Well, I'm filled with darkness
before my morning coffee.

700
00:26:54,110 --> 00:26:55,344
You can make fun
of me all you wish

701
00:26:55,346 --> 00:26:56,979
but I'm still the one
who identified you

702
00:26:56,981 --> 00:26:57,680
as the boy's father.

703
00:26:57,682 --> 00:26:59,647
Yep, you keep telling me that.

704
00:26:59,649 --> 00:27:00,682
But I'm the one who
had to figure out

705
00:27:00,684 --> 00:27:03,352
which of three Christines
might be his mother.

706
00:27:03,354 --> 00:27:04,685
Three Christine's?

707
00:27:04,687 --> 00:27:05,721
Yeah, three Christine's,
two Jennifer's,

708
00:27:05,723 --> 00:27:07,288
two Barbara's, four Patty's...

709
00:27:07,290 --> 00:27:09,758
♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree ♪

710
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:12,259
Please don't sing ever again.

711
00:27:12,261 --> 00:27:14,462
All right, the point is anyway
that I managed to pinpoint

712
00:27:14,464 --> 00:27:16,565
the ones who mathematically
fit the chronology.

713
00:27:16,567 --> 00:27:19,233
And none of them begin with A.

714
00:27:19,235 --> 00:27:22,403
So then, how do we figure
out which one's my mother?

715
00:27:22,405 --> 00:27:23,739
We're gonna take a
little road trip.

716
00:27:23,741 --> 00:27:25,374
I contacted the ladies,
they know we're coming,

717
00:27:25,376 --> 00:27:27,041
they just don't know why yet.

718
00:27:27,043 --> 00:27:28,676
Why wouldn't
you just ask them?

719
00:27:28,678 --> 00:27:29,744
Because I think
something as delicate

720
00:27:29,746 --> 00:27:31,480
as one's potential maternity

721
00:27:31,482 --> 00:27:33,714
is probably best
discussed face to face.

722
00:27:33,716 --> 00:27:34,649
Got ya.

723
00:27:34,651 --> 00:27:35,784
All right, let's get goin'.

724
00:27:35,786 --> 00:27:36,617
We have a large amount of people

725
00:27:36,619 --> 00:27:38,353
to cover in a small
amount of time.

726
00:27:38,355 --> 00:27:40,321
Not unlike your
illustrious past.

727
00:27:40,323 --> 00:27:41,623
Does he really need to come?

728
00:27:41,625 --> 00:27:42,259
Definitely.

729
00:27:43,126 --> 00:27:44,492
Let it be known that I require

730
00:27:44,494 --> 00:27:46,528
this safari of
yours to end early

731
00:27:46,530 --> 00:27:49,463
as I'm supposed to be at the
Holiday Inn Burbank on Friday

732
00:27:49,465 --> 00:27:51,700
to deliver a keynote speech
to a symposium of my peers.

733
00:27:51,702 --> 00:27:53,434
And my peers tend to be snippy.

734
00:27:53,436 --> 00:27:55,202
If we're not done by then,
I'll have a lot more to answer

735
00:27:55,204 --> 00:27:57,405
to than a bunch of
phony soothsayers.

736
00:27:57,407 --> 00:27:59,708
Guys, this car
only has two seats.

737
00:27:59,710 --> 00:28:00,712
Right.

738
00:28:01,678 --> 00:28:03,478
I guess we'll have
to take the Fab-Mobile.

739
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:04,712
The Fab-Mobile?

740
00:28:04,714 --> 00:28:06,149
The Fab-Mobile.

741
00:28:08,719 --> 00:28:09,754
Perfect.

742
00:28:10,820 --> 00:28:15,222
So, what's the name of
this first member of your

743
00:28:15,224 --> 00:28:17,462
countless sexual conquests?

744
00:28:18,361 --> 00:28:20,394
Carla Intintoli.

745
00:28:20,396 --> 00:28:22,230
I like the name Carla.

746
00:28:22,232 --> 00:28:23,734
Carla Intintoli.

747
00:28:24,768 --> 00:28:26,134
She is from Italy.

748
00:28:26,136 --> 00:28:28,737
No, her dad's Brazilian.

749
00:28:28,739 --> 00:28:29,640
Yes, he is.

750
00:28:30,773 --> 00:28:33,708
He was a farmer and
he used his hand

751
00:28:33,710 --> 00:28:34,776
to make money for the family.

752
00:28:34,778 --> 00:28:36,144
What are you doing?

753
00:28:36,146 --> 00:28:37,078
Are you doing psychic
stuff right now?

754
00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:38,145
Don't do that right now, okay?

755
00:28:38,147 --> 00:28:39,713
I can't help my blessings.

756
00:28:39,715 --> 00:28:41,516
They just come to me, Nick.

757
00:28:41,518 --> 00:28:42,750
Really?

758
00:28:42,752 --> 00:28:44,385
I thought Mr. Sparkles
here was the gifted one.

759
00:28:44,387 --> 00:28:46,755
Well, it goes to
Sparkles, then to Fabular.

760
00:28:46,757 --> 00:28:48,459
All right, okay.

761
00:28:49,358 --> 00:28:50,791
Just don't say anything

762
00:28:50,793 --> 00:28:53,761
'cause I don't wanna
freak Carla out.

763
00:28:53,763 --> 00:28:55,665
It'll be my pleasure.

764
00:28:57,166 --> 00:28:59,101
You think she'll remember you?

765
00:28:59,103 --> 00:29:00,705
They never forget.

766
00:29:07,176 --> 00:29:08,777
Nick?

767
00:29:08,779 --> 00:29:10,345
Hi, Carla.

768
00:29:10,347 --> 00:29:11,779
Is that really you?

769
00:29:11,781 --> 00:29:12,817
It's me.

770
00:29:14,617 --> 00:29:15,453
Wow.

771
00:29:16,453 --> 00:29:19,753
I never thought I'd have
this opportunity again.

772
00:29:19,755 --> 00:29:21,490
Opportunity?

773
00:29:26,864 --> 00:29:28,864
I think it's great
that she remembers you.

774
00:29:28,866 --> 00:29:31,465
Why was she so mad?

775
00:29:31,467 --> 00:29:34,336
Well, Mason, when
relationships end,

776
00:29:34,338 --> 00:29:36,704
people get emotional
because they gotta justify

777
00:29:36,706 --> 00:29:38,839
why they were with that
person in the first place

778
00:29:38,841 --> 00:29:41,876
which can manifest itself
in bitterness, resentment,

779
00:29:41,878 --> 00:29:43,481
hatred or violence.

780
00:29:45,148 --> 00:29:48,549
Okay, we have a triple patty
burger with fries, well done

781
00:29:48,551 --> 00:29:51,586
and a strawberry shake
with extra cherries.

782
00:29:51,588 --> 00:29:53,922
One small dinner salad,
hold the croutons

783
00:29:53,924 --> 00:29:58,792
add extra garbanzo beans
and dressing on the side.

784
00:29:58,794 --> 00:30:01,829
And one frozen bag of peas.

785
00:30:01,831 --> 00:30:02,833
Thank you.

786
00:30:04,835 --> 00:30:06,401
I have to pee.

787
00:30:06,403 --> 00:30:07,805
I'll be right back.

788
00:30:09,373 --> 00:30:11,640
Why do I get the feeling
that every woman you ever dated

789
00:30:11,642 --> 00:30:13,407
has a bone to pick with you?

790
00:30:13,409 --> 00:30:16,813
I bet you racked up
quite the bag of karma.

791
00:30:17,947 --> 00:30:20,347
Why don't you stop your
yammering and tell me the truth?

792
00:30:20,349 --> 00:30:21,482
I beg your pardon?

793
00:30:21,484 --> 00:30:22,750
What's really goin' on here?

794
00:30:22,752 --> 00:30:24,853
How much money are
they giving you?

795
00:30:24,855 --> 00:30:26,288
Or are you looking to fleece

796
00:30:26,290 --> 00:30:29,557
this kid's foster mom
out of her life savings?

797
00:30:29,559 --> 00:30:30,825
How dare you.

798
00:30:30,827 --> 00:30:32,560
What's goin' on?

799
00:30:32,562 --> 00:30:33,761
What's in it for you?

800
00:30:33,763 --> 00:30:34,828
The boy needed my help.

801
00:30:34,830 --> 00:30:36,533
Isn't that enough?

802
00:30:37,733 --> 00:30:39,800
For the record,
if I do find out

803
00:30:39,802 --> 00:30:41,903
that you're using that
kid for any reason,

804
00:30:41,905 --> 00:30:45,973
any reason at all, I'm gonna
beat the crap out of you.

805
00:30:45,975 --> 00:30:49,743
Aw, you're gonna give
me a knuckle sandwich?

806
00:30:49,745 --> 00:30:51,381
Whatever it takes.

807
00:30:52,316 --> 00:30:53,981
You call that a threat?

808
00:30:53,983 --> 00:30:54,585
Yeah.

809
00:30:55,851 --> 00:30:58,255
I am The Amazing Fabular.

810
00:30:59,556 --> 00:31:00,755
I've invoked the wrath

811
00:31:00,757 --> 00:31:03,924
of several hundred
loyal radio listeners.

812
00:31:03,926 --> 00:31:05,160
I've been threatened
by men the likes

813
00:31:05,162 --> 00:31:08,230
of which would leave you in
need of reconstructive surgery.

814
00:31:08,232 --> 00:31:11,232
What's amazing is
that reasonable people

815
00:31:11,234 --> 00:31:15,305
would actually take advice
from someone like you.

816
00:31:20,243 --> 00:31:22,544
Sorry to bother
you, but my father,

817
00:31:22,546 --> 00:31:24,011
he's a huge fan of your work

818
00:31:24,013 --> 00:31:25,913
and he said the
check's on the house

819
00:31:25,915 --> 00:31:28,717
if we could get your
autograph for the wall.

820
00:31:28,719 --> 00:31:29,550
Sure.

821
00:31:29,552 --> 00:31:31,952
I'd be delighted.

822
00:31:31,954 --> 00:31:34,021
What's your name?

823
00:31:34,023 --> 00:31:37,360
I'm sensing a D?

824
00:31:37,994 --> 00:31:39,760
Daisy.

825
00:31:39,762 --> 00:31:41,262
Wow!

826
00:31:41,264 --> 00:31:42,998
You're really good!

827
00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:45,770
Your show is huge in Australia!

828
00:31:46,936 --> 00:31:49,570
I don't know if you
remember a guy named Mickey

829
00:31:49,572 --> 00:31:52,007
calling in about five years ago?

830
00:31:52,009 --> 00:31:53,674
Yeah, well, anyway, that
was my little brother

831
00:31:53,676 --> 00:31:57,612
and he had lost his
baby kangaroo, Skippy.

832
00:31:57,614 --> 00:31:58,646
Skippy!

833
00:31:58,648 --> 00:31:59,882
Yeah!

834
00:31:59,884 --> 00:32:02,284
So anyway, you said that he
missed his mum and hopped away

835
00:32:02,286 --> 00:32:03,852
and guess what?

836
00:32:03,854 --> 00:32:06,421
Five years later,
my brother called me

837
00:32:06,423 --> 00:32:07,989
and said that he found Skippy

838
00:32:07,991 --> 00:32:10,392
hopping in a field with his mum!

839
00:32:10,394 --> 00:32:11,862
Skippy, he's safe!

840
00:32:22,705 --> 00:32:23,707
Thank you!

841
00:32:26,409 --> 00:32:27,911
How's your nose?

842
00:32:31,647 --> 00:32:33,414
Let's keep moving down
the list, okay, Mason?

843
00:32:33,416 --> 00:32:35,383
All right, yeah.

844
00:32:35,385 --> 00:32:40,020
Well, Janice Bodicker?

845
00:32:40,022 --> 00:32:41,324
It's Bodicker.

846
00:32:42,626 --> 00:32:43,560
Bodicker?

847
00:32:45,628 --> 00:32:47,865
Kinda rolls off the tongue.

848
00:32:49,031 --> 00:32:49,833
Bodicker.

849
00:32:53,036 --> 00:32:54,038
Bodicker!

850
00:32:55,705 --> 00:32:56,506
Bodicker.

851
00:33:12,588 --> 00:33:13,654
Nick.

852
00:33:13,656 --> 00:33:15,723
- Janice.
- This is so exciting!

853
00:33:15,725 --> 00:33:17,358
The girls and I started
baking you a cake

854
00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:18,826
right after you called.

855
00:33:18,828 --> 00:33:20,095
That's so sweet.

856
00:33:20,097 --> 00:33:21,796
You didn't need to
go to the trouble.

857
00:33:21,798 --> 00:33:23,030
Oh, no trouble at all.

858
00:33:23,032 --> 00:33:25,032
The girls just love
when we have company.

859
00:33:25,034 --> 00:33:25,935
Come on in.

860
00:33:30,639 --> 00:33:31,474
Okay!

861
00:33:32,876 --> 00:33:35,977
Why don't you all just
get yourselves acquainted?

862
00:33:35,979 --> 00:33:37,014
Be nice, Donna.

863
00:33:39,014 --> 00:33:40,917
And I'll be right back.

864
00:33:44,087 --> 00:33:45,854
I think I wanna
wait in the car.

865
00:33:45,856 --> 00:33:47,989
Me too, it's so
stuffy in here.

866
00:33:47,991 --> 00:33:49,156
And creepy.

867
00:33:49,158 --> 00:33:53,597
You boys must be thirsty.

868
00:33:55,132 --> 00:33:59,403
The one with the strawberry
in it is yours, Nick.

869
00:34:08,544 --> 00:34:09,613
To true love.

870
00:34:11,448 --> 00:34:12,083
Cheers!

871
00:34:13,149 --> 00:34:14,050
Bottoms up!

872
00:34:23,861 --> 00:34:27,028
Well, okay, so I'm just
gonna get right to it.

873
00:34:27,030 --> 00:34:31,102
We came here to ask you
something really important.

874
00:34:33,437 --> 00:34:34,071
Nick!

875
00:34:35,805 --> 00:34:40,110
I knew that you were here
for more than just a... visit.

876
00:34:44,046 --> 00:34:45,882
Did you and I have...

877
00:34:47,050 --> 00:34:48,515
Say it, say it,
say it, say it!

878
00:34:48,517 --> 00:34:49,149
Just ask, ask, ask, ask, ask...

879
00:34:49,151 --> 00:34:50,551
Did you?

880
00:34:56,926 --> 00:34:59,162
A child together?

881
00:35:01,198 --> 00:35:02,830
Of course we did, Nick.

882
00:35:02,832 --> 00:35:03,666
We did?

883
00:35:04,667 --> 00:35:06,667
That's why I've kept
up on all your success.

884
00:35:06,669 --> 00:35:10,238
I wanted him to be
proud of his daddy.

885
00:35:10,240 --> 00:35:12,540
I knew we'd all be
together again someday.

886
00:35:12,542 --> 00:35:14,475
Oh, god, this is the moment!

887
00:35:14,477 --> 00:35:15,412
Okay, whoo!

888
00:35:19,615 --> 00:35:21,951
Nicky, say hi to your daddy!

889
00:35:25,222 --> 00:35:27,689
We all think he
looks just like you.

890
00:35:27,691 --> 00:35:30,694
It's like, is it
big Nick or little?

891
00:35:32,095 --> 00:35:36,600
Well, go on, just aren't you
gonna say hi to your son, Nick?

892
00:35:38,133 --> 00:35:39,169
Hi?

893
00:35:44,006 --> 00:35:46,975
Okay, I'll just
be a moment, okay!

894
00:35:46,977 --> 00:35:48,209
I'll let you guys talk.

895
00:35:48,211 --> 00:35:49,276
He's gonna cheer you up.

896
00:35:49,278 --> 00:35:51,279
Okay, just let him get settled.

897
00:35:51,281 --> 00:35:53,548
One second, one second.

898
00:35:53,550 --> 00:35:54,781
I'm gonna go
out on a limb here

899
00:35:54,783 --> 00:35:56,517
and say that she
is batshit crazy.

900
00:35:56,519 --> 00:35:57,185
We gotta get
out of this place.

901
00:35:57,187 --> 00:35:58,653
She is not the one you seek.

902
00:35:58,655 --> 00:35:59,587
What about the cake?

903
00:35:59,589 --> 00:36:00,587
Are you kidding me?

904
00:36:00,589 --> 00:36:01,788
I'm starving.

905
00:36:01,790 --> 00:36:04,892
I'm just
adding the nuts!

906
00:36:04,894 --> 00:36:05,727
Mr. Sparkles!

907
00:36:05,729 --> 00:36:06,694
Oh!

908
00:36:07,631 --> 00:36:09,263
You are in trouble, young man.

909
00:36:09,265 --> 00:36:12,869
You scared the living
daylights outta me!

910
00:36:13,736 --> 00:36:14,571
Oh no!

911
00:36:15,906 --> 00:36:17,071
This is bad.

912
00:36:17,073 --> 00:36:18,006
Oh, shoot!

913
00:36:18,008 --> 00:36:20,511
What did you do to my girls?

914
00:36:23,078 --> 00:36:24,111
Oh, god!

915
00:36:24,113 --> 00:36:25,747
Bonnie, are you okay?

916
00:36:25,749 --> 00:36:27,147
I'm terribly sorry

917
00:36:27,149 --> 00:36:27,948
- about this, ma'am.
- I'm calling the police!

918
00:36:27,950 --> 00:36:29,283
You assaulted my girls!

919
00:36:29,285 --> 00:36:30,218
Is there any way I could take

920
00:36:30,220 --> 00:36:32,120
a piece of that for the road?

921
00:36:32,122 --> 00:36:34,555
Get out, get out, get out!

922
00:36:34,557 --> 00:36:35,323
- That's okay.
- Get out!

923
00:36:35,325 --> 00:36:36,256
- Sorry, Amanda!
- Thank you!

924
00:36:36,258 --> 00:36:37,125
Good to see ya, take care!

925
00:36:37,127 --> 00:36:37,962
Hey, no!

926
00:36:38,961 --> 00:36:40,261
That went horribly wrong.

927
00:36:40,263 --> 00:36:41,995
Does this make
Nicky my stepbrother?

928
00:36:41,997 --> 00:36:42,964
Oh, that's very
funny, cake face.

929
00:36:42,966 --> 00:36:44,299
Get in the car.

930
00:36:44,301 --> 00:36:46,066
I told you she wasn't
the one you seek.

931
00:36:46,068 --> 00:36:47,301
Perhaps now you won't
be so quick to dismiss

932
00:36:47,303 --> 00:36:48,303
the gifts of others?

933
00:36:48,305 --> 00:36:49,770
Gift, my ass!

934
00:36:49,772 --> 00:36:51,104
That falls under the
category of obvious.

935
00:36:51,106 --> 00:36:52,040
Gimme the keys.

936
00:36:52,042 --> 00:36:52,906
You drive like an old lady.

937
00:36:52,908 --> 00:36:53,975
Very well.

938
00:36:53,977 --> 00:36:55,877
The gift needs to power down.

939
00:36:55,879 --> 00:36:57,078
Can you power down that shirt?

940
00:36:57,080 --> 00:36:58,249
It's giving me a headache.

941
00:37:03,953 --> 00:37:05,218
Two down, a few more to go.

942
00:37:06,856 --> 00:37:09,756
Are you really gonna
leave without saying goodbye

943
00:37:09,758 --> 00:37:11,761
again, Nick?

944
00:37:12,062 --> 00:37:13,294
Is that a flame thrower?

945
00:37:13,296 --> 00:37:15,296
Where'd she get
a flame thrower?

946
00:37:15,298 --> 00:37:16,930
Drive!

947
00:37:51,401 --> 00:37:52,633
I'm not ready to die!

948
00:37:52,635 --> 00:37:54,137
I don't wanna die!

949
00:37:58,207 --> 00:37:59,774
Hey,
what do you think?

950
00:37:59,776 --> 00:38:00,778
It's great.

951
00:38:02,312 --> 00:38:04,712
What's that look all about?

952
00:38:04,714 --> 00:38:06,913
All right, I hate to be the
one to say, I told you so.

953
00:38:06,915 --> 00:38:10,417
I think you love being the
one to say I told you so.

954
00:38:10,419 --> 00:38:11,519
Okay, yeah.

955
00:38:11,521 --> 00:38:14,421
Fine, that's true but I
only do this to protect you.

956
00:38:14,423 --> 00:38:16,290
I don't need to be
protected from Nick.

957
00:38:16,292 --> 00:38:17,725
Really?

958
00:38:17,727 --> 00:38:19,026
Well, I just got off
the phone with Albert.

959
00:38:19,028 --> 00:38:20,395
Albert, Nick's publisher?

960
00:38:20,397 --> 00:38:22,162
It had to be done.

961
00:38:22,164 --> 00:38:24,332
And when I mentioned him
booking Nick last minute,

962
00:38:24,334 --> 00:38:26,868
he had no idea what
I was talking about.

963
00:38:26,870 --> 00:38:29,736
Kelly, can't you just
be, wait, what, what?

964
00:38:29,738 --> 00:38:33,743
There is no Santa Barbara
speaking engagement.

965
00:38:34,810 --> 00:38:38,245
But why would he tell me that?

966
00:38:38,247 --> 00:38:39,082
Exactly.

967
00:38:53,363 --> 00:38:54,796
Oh, wait.

968
00:38:54,798 --> 00:38:55,729
What are
you looking for?

969
00:38:55,731 --> 00:38:57,365
I lost my phone.

970
00:38:57,367 --> 00:38:58,433
I think you left it
on the coffee table

971
00:38:58,435 --> 00:39:01,736
of the house of your true
love, Janice Bodicker.

972
00:39:01,738 --> 00:39:03,004
Shall we go back and get her?

973
00:39:03,006 --> 00:39:04,404
Never mind, I got insurance.

974
00:39:04,406 --> 00:39:06,073
Did you say this one
is called Winifred?

975
00:39:06,075 --> 00:39:07,908
Yeah, Winny for short.

976
00:39:07,910 --> 00:39:10,778
I'm sensing a
very peculiar aura.

977
00:39:10,780 --> 00:39:12,245
No, that's your rat.

978
00:39:12,247 --> 00:39:16,686
Ever since you fed him that
chimichanga from the Gas 'N Go.

979
00:39:17,787 --> 00:39:18,486
No, this is
something different.

980
00:39:18,488 --> 00:39:20,190
Wait right here.

981
00:39:27,397 --> 00:39:29,964
Is Winifred Cartwright here?

982
00:39:29,966 --> 00:39:31,131
Nick?

983
00:39:31,133 --> 00:39:32,866
Nick Pearson, come here!

984
00:39:32,868 --> 00:39:34,435
Whoa, do I know you, buddy?

985
00:39:34,437 --> 00:39:36,707
Yes, it's me, it's Winny!

986
00:39:38,475 --> 00:39:39,973
Of course, I go by Freddy now.

987
00:39:39,975 --> 00:39:41,444
It's less confusing.

988
00:39:44,914 --> 00:39:47,881
How long you
been Freddy, Winny?

989
00:39:47,883 --> 00:39:50,383
Well, you know, you and
I had that night together

990
00:39:50,385 --> 00:39:53,287
and then the next day
I went and had surgery.

991
00:39:53,289 --> 00:39:54,957
I don't blame you.

992
00:39:57,760 --> 00:40:00,461
I cannot believe I let you
get into my head like this.

993
00:40:00,463 --> 00:40:02,162
Then just call him, Syd.

994
00:40:02,164 --> 00:40:03,363
I don't need to...

995
00:40:03,365 --> 00:40:04,265
That way you'll
know what's going on.

996
00:40:04,267 --> 00:40:06,234
And you're right,
maybe it's nothing.

997
00:40:06,236 --> 00:40:07,468
It's probably nothing.

998
00:40:07,470 --> 00:40:11,339
I mean, I bet it is,
it's something but.

999
00:40:11,341 --> 00:40:14,075
What, it could be nothing.

1000
00:40:14,077 --> 00:40:14,912
Okay.

1001
00:40:21,517 --> 00:40:22,549
Hello?

1002
00:40:22,551 --> 00:40:24,519
I'm sorry, who
am I speaking to?

1003
00:40:24,521 --> 00:40:26,187
None of your
business, that's who!

1004
00:40:26,189 --> 00:40:28,221
Well, can I speak to Nick?

1005
00:40:28,223 --> 00:40:29,156
No, you may not!

1006
00:40:29,158 --> 00:40:30,558
He's gone again with no regards

1007
00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:32,526
for my feelings or his child!

1008
00:40:32,528 --> 00:40:33,560
His child?

1009
00:40:33,562 --> 00:40:35,229
What?

1010
00:40:35,231 --> 00:40:36,531
I'm sorry.

1011
00:40:36,533 --> 00:40:37,531
Are you saying that
you and Nick Pearson

1012
00:40:37,533 --> 00:40:39,533
had a child together?

1013
00:40:39,535 --> 00:40:40,968
Yes, we did.

1014
00:40:40,970 --> 00:40:42,403
A beautiful baby boy.

1015
00:40:42,405 --> 00:40:46,006
I now regret ever having
laid eyes on that man!

1016
00:40:46,008 --> 00:40:48,042
When he wrote that book,
that hating kids book,

1017
00:40:48,044 --> 00:40:49,810
I thought he was
just being funny

1018
00:40:49,812 --> 00:40:53,513
but I now know that every
word of it was the truth.

1019
00:40:53,515 --> 00:40:55,482
Where is Nick right now?

1020
00:40:55,484 --> 00:40:57,051
Hopefully lying
dead in a ditch

1021
00:40:57,053 --> 00:40:58,986
with his two friends while
that little dog of theirs

1022
00:40:58,988 --> 00:41:00,821
just eats their remains!

1023
00:41:00,823 --> 00:41:01,823
He hates dogs.

1024
00:41:01,825 --> 00:41:02,924
What?

1025
00:41:02,926 --> 00:41:05,192
My advice to you is to
stay as far away as possible

1026
00:41:05,194 --> 00:41:06,796
from that deadbeat!

1027
00:41:08,497 --> 00:41:10,198
Okay, what is going on?

1028
00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:12,500
I think it's pretty clear.

1029
00:41:12,502 --> 00:41:15,569
I mean, that woman, she does
not sound normal, and a dog?

1030
00:41:15,571 --> 00:41:19,173
Syd, first some kid shows
up claiming he's Nick's son

1031
00:41:19,175 --> 00:41:20,374
then Nick lies about
where he is going

1032
00:41:20,376 --> 00:41:25,479
and now, this weird woman
admits they had a kid together.

1033
00:41:25,481 --> 00:41:26,379
What more do you need?

1034
00:41:26,381 --> 00:41:27,348
It's case closed.

1035
00:41:27,350 --> 00:41:28,850
I don't think so, Kelly.

1036
00:41:28,852 --> 00:41:30,183
I need proof.

1037
00:41:30,185 --> 00:41:32,021
Wow, okay.

1038
00:41:32,622 --> 00:41:34,354
Somebody's in denial.

1039
00:41:34,356 --> 00:41:36,192
Fine, we'll get proof.

1040
00:41:53,910 --> 00:41:55,308
I don't understand.

1041
00:41:55,310 --> 00:41:57,611
If Winny is Freddy,
why were you asking him

1042
00:41:57,613 --> 00:42:00,247
if he had your child?

1043
00:42:00,249 --> 00:42:03,250
Because he used to be a woman.

1044
00:42:03,252 --> 00:42:05,421
Wow, how do you do that?

1045
00:42:08,658 --> 00:42:09,890
You have any hobbies?

1046
00:42:09,892 --> 00:42:12,493
You like reading
books or anything?

1047
00:42:12,495 --> 00:42:15,229
Sometimes, I read your book.

1048
00:42:15,231 --> 00:42:16,596
Really, what'd you think?

1049
00:42:16,598 --> 00:42:17,899
It made me wanna write a book.

1050
00:42:17,901 --> 00:42:19,000
No way!

1051
00:42:19,002 --> 00:42:20,267
That is so cool.

1052
00:42:20,269 --> 00:42:22,904
I'm so thrilled I could
inspire a young writer.

1053
00:42:22,906 --> 00:42:25,538
I wanted to write a book
called I Hate Parents.

1054
00:42:25,540 --> 00:42:26,175
Oh.

1055
00:42:29,611 --> 00:42:31,678
So, what is that thing anyway?

1056
00:42:31,680 --> 00:42:33,446
It's a fidget spinner.

1057
00:42:33,448 --> 00:42:34,582
It helps keep me calm.

1058
00:42:34,584 --> 00:42:35,515
Oh, yeah?

1059
00:42:35,517 --> 00:42:36,549
I could use one of those.

1060
00:42:36,551 --> 00:42:38,451
Look, you don't
have to do this.

1061
00:42:38,453 --> 00:42:39,654
What?

1062
00:42:39,656 --> 00:42:42,189
Pretend like you like me.

1063
00:42:42,191 --> 00:42:44,294
Just help me find my mom.

1064
00:42:45,361 --> 00:42:47,297
That's the deal, right?

1065
00:42:52,068 --> 00:42:54,669
So why do you hate kids?

1066
00:42:54,671 --> 00:42:56,169
I don't hate kids.

1067
00:42:56,171 --> 00:42:58,471
I just don't see eye
to eye with them.

1068
00:42:58,473 --> 00:43:00,941
It's not so much that I
hate them, they hate me.

1069
00:43:00,943 --> 00:43:02,345
I don't hate you.

1070
00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:06,613
Does your fiancee
hate kids, too?

1071
00:43:06,615 --> 00:43:10,119
No, she just likes
things uncomplicated.

1072
00:43:11,421 --> 00:43:14,721
Why are there spoons
in my comforter?

1073
00:43:14,723 --> 00:43:16,290
All the butter's gone.

1074
00:43:16,292 --> 00:43:18,658
What am I gonna
dip my shrimp in?

1075
00:43:18,660 --> 00:43:20,261
What's he dreaming about?

1076
00:43:20,263 --> 00:43:23,934
Sounds like he's
channeling Gordon Ramsay.

1077
00:43:29,671 --> 00:43:30,907
Oh, great.

1078
00:43:52,495 --> 00:43:53,995
License and registration.

1079
00:43:53,997 --> 00:43:56,430
Yes, certainly, officer.

1080
00:43:56,432 --> 00:43:57,999
You know why I
pulled you over?

1081
00:43:58,001 --> 00:43:59,299
Was I going too fast?

1082
00:43:59,301 --> 00:44:00,567
The speed limit is 45.

1083
00:44:00,569 --> 00:44:02,069
You were doing 50.

1084
00:44:05,274 --> 00:44:06,473
This is not my car

1085
00:44:06,475 --> 00:44:09,709
so I'm not really used
to how it handles.

1086
00:44:09,711 --> 00:44:10,544
It pulls.

1087
00:44:10,546 --> 00:44:12,178
Well, that doesn't
change the fact

1088
00:44:12,180 --> 00:44:13,113
that you were breaking
the law, now does it?

1089
00:44:13,115 --> 00:44:13,714
No, no, no, it doesn't.

1090
00:44:13,716 --> 00:44:16,316
Excuse me, officer.

1091
00:44:16,318 --> 00:44:17,785
When was the last time
you had your radar gun

1092
00:44:17,787 --> 00:44:20,220
calibrated for accuracy?

1093
00:44:20,222 --> 00:44:21,654
Excuse me?

1094
00:44:21,656 --> 00:44:24,058
Well, you see, many speeding
violations are dismissed

1095
00:44:24,060 --> 00:44:25,258
because the citing officer

1096
00:44:25,260 --> 00:44:26,794
failed to have regular
maintenance checks

1097
00:44:26,796 --> 00:44:28,397
on their equipment.

1098
00:44:32,100 --> 00:44:34,671
Don't move, I'll
be right back.

1099
00:44:37,740 --> 00:44:38,638
What are you doing?

1100
00:44:38,640 --> 00:44:40,040
Helping.

1101
00:44:40,042 --> 00:44:41,542
My foster mother used
to be a paralegal

1102
00:44:41,544 --> 00:44:43,477
for the law firm of
Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.

1103
00:44:43,479 --> 00:44:46,647
No, Mason, that law
firm doesn't exist.

1104
00:44:46,649 --> 00:44:47,580
It's an old joke.

1105
00:44:47,582 --> 00:44:49,986
I know, I was making a joke.

1106
00:44:51,220 --> 00:44:52,055
Oh.

1107
00:44:54,823 --> 00:44:57,158
I don't know about the
timing but pretty funny.

1108
00:44:57,160 --> 00:44:58,192
All right, Mr. Pearson,

1109
00:44:58,194 --> 00:44:59,826
I'm gonna let you go
with a warning this time.

1110
00:44:59,828 --> 00:45:00,794
Watch your speed.

1111
00:45:00,796 --> 00:45:02,629
Thank you.

1112
00:45:02,631 --> 00:45:03,564
And one more thing.

1113
00:45:03,566 --> 00:45:04,698
Mm-hmm?

1114
00:45:04,700 --> 00:45:05,832
Hey, brother,
can I have your autograph?

1115
00:45:05,834 --> 00:45:07,634
I'd be happy to, always.

1116
00:45:07,636 --> 00:45:08,836
Man, my wife and I,

1117
00:45:08,838 --> 00:45:12,506
we listen to you on
the radio all the time.

1118
00:45:12,508 --> 00:45:15,709
You have admirable
qualities, officer.

1119
00:45:15,711 --> 00:45:17,578
I'm sensing a promotion
in your future.

1120
00:45:17,580 --> 00:45:19,080
Well, actually, I'm puttin' in

1121
00:45:19,082 --> 00:45:20,080
for early retirement
in three months.

1122
00:45:20,082 --> 00:45:22,750
Yes, which will promote
healthy relaxation

1123
00:45:22,752 --> 00:45:24,685
in your previously hectic life.

1124
00:45:26,122 --> 00:45:29,292
You can say that
again, Mr. Fabular.

1125
00:45:30,193 --> 00:45:31,125
All right, man.

1126
00:45:31,127 --> 00:45:32,392
Hey, you drive safely now.

1127
00:45:32,394 --> 00:45:34,694
- All right.
- Of course, of course.

1128
00:45:34,696 --> 00:45:36,633
You watch your speed.

1129
00:45:39,234 --> 00:45:40,234
No need to thank me.

1130
00:45:40,236 --> 00:45:40,868
Thank you?

1131
00:45:40,870 --> 00:45:42,336
For what?

1132
00:45:42,338 --> 00:45:43,270
For extruding us
from that awkward

1133
00:45:43,272 --> 00:45:44,872
and embarrassing confrontation.

1134
00:45:44,874 --> 00:45:46,540
You had nothing to do with it.

1135
00:45:46,542 --> 00:45:48,109
I most certainly had
everything to do with it.

1136
00:45:48,111 --> 00:45:51,745
I was manipulating and
deflecting his negative energy.

1137
00:45:51,747 --> 00:45:53,180
Thank you, Fabular.

1138
00:45:53,182 --> 00:45:54,448
Yeah, thank you, Master Yoda.

1139
00:45:54,450 --> 00:45:55,381
Now shut up, please.

1140
00:45:55,383 --> 00:45:57,317
Who's next on the list?

1141
00:45:57,319 --> 00:45:59,720
Christine Hurley.

1142
00:46:06,194 --> 00:46:07,361
Do you see anything?

1143
00:46:07,363 --> 00:46:08,765
Get in there, go!

1144
00:46:11,667 --> 00:46:13,700
Oh, I just, I
don't feel good about this.

1145
00:46:13,702 --> 00:46:14,868
I think we should go back home.

1146
00:46:14,870 --> 00:46:15,803
What?

1147
00:46:15,805 --> 00:46:17,370
He gave you a key, didn't he?

1148
00:46:17,372 --> 00:46:18,705
By giving you a
key it is implied

1149
00:46:18,707 --> 00:46:19,707
that you have
permission to gain entry

1150
00:46:19,709 --> 00:46:22,475
at any time to the
domicile said key unlocks.

1151
00:46:22,477 --> 00:46:23,711
I'm pretty
certain that implication

1152
00:46:23,713 --> 00:46:25,412
doesn't mean scavenging
said domicile

1153
00:46:25,414 --> 00:46:26,513
for dirty little secrets.

1154
00:46:26,515 --> 00:46:27,448
Okay, you know what?

1155
00:46:27,450 --> 00:46:28,182
I take no pleasure in this.

1156
00:46:28,184 --> 00:46:30,151
Yes, you do.

1157
00:46:30,153 --> 00:46:30,884
Okay, I do.

1158
00:46:30,886 --> 00:46:31,919
Okay, yes, I do, a little bit.

1159
00:46:31,921 --> 00:46:32,919
But again, it's all for you.

1160
00:46:32,921 --> 00:46:34,154
I'm pretty certain you
missed your true calling

1161
00:46:34,156 --> 00:46:36,323
as a criminal mastermind but
let's just get this over with

1162
00:46:36,325 --> 00:46:37,825
and we'll get out of here.

1163
00:46:37,827 --> 00:46:38,859
Patience, Syd.

1164
00:46:38,861 --> 00:46:40,528
This might take a while.

1165
00:46:40,530 --> 00:46:41,662
Even Nick wouldn't
be foolish enough

1166
00:46:41,664 --> 00:46:46,202
to just leave a big box of
evidence out in the open.

1167
00:46:56,345 --> 00:46:57,944
You
never mentioned you dated Oprah.

1168
00:46:57,946 --> 00:46:59,279
I always
figured Christine

1169
00:46:59,281 --> 00:47:00,948
would land in the lap of luxury.

1170
00:47:00,950 --> 00:47:02,950
Face first, from
the looks of it.

1171
00:47:02,952 --> 00:47:05,689
Wow, I would
totally live here.

1172
00:47:06,888 --> 00:47:10,424
Maybe you two should
hang back for the moment.

1173
00:47:10,426 --> 00:47:14,361
I don't wanna just
thrust this in her face.

1174
00:47:14,363 --> 00:47:15,729
Seems like that's
how you got yourself

1175
00:47:15,731 --> 00:47:17,765
in this situation to begin with.

1176
00:47:17,767 --> 00:47:18,832
Hilarious.

1177
00:47:18,834 --> 00:47:19,870
Wait here.

1178
00:47:29,511 --> 00:47:32,412
Don't just stand there.

1179
00:47:32,414 --> 00:47:33,214
Wow.

1180
00:47:33,216 --> 00:47:34,915
I have to be at
UCLA in one hour

1181
00:47:34,917 --> 00:47:36,649
to give my speech on
women's empowerment

1182
00:47:36,651 --> 00:47:38,419
in the social media arena.

1183
00:47:38,421 --> 00:47:40,821
The helicopter will be
here in five minutes.

1184
00:47:40,823 --> 00:47:42,589
How fast can you tweet?

1185
00:47:42,591 --> 00:47:43,524
Huh, I don't know.

1186
00:47:43,526 --> 00:47:44,991
Strike two.

1187
00:47:44,993 --> 00:47:46,459
If you want this job, you'd
better pick up the pace.

1188
00:47:46,461 --> 00:47:47,428
- Job?
- I require someone

1189
00:47:47,430 --> 00:47:48,796
who can manage my schedule,

1190
00:47:48,798 --> 00:47:51,564
count my calories feed my geckos

1191
00:47:51,566 --> 00:47:54,535
and make sure I don't
wear the same dress twice.

1192
00:47:54,537 --> 00:47:57,904
If you last two weeks, I'll
double your salary, okay?

1193
00:47:57,906 --> 00:48:00,908
I'm not here for
the job, Christine.

1194
00:48:00,910 --> 00:48:01,875
Who are you?

1195
00:48:01,877 --> 00:48:04,912
It's me, Nick, Nick Pearson.

1196
00:48:04,914 --> 00:48:06,749
Nick, Nick!

1197
00:48:07,749 --> 00:48:08,383
Oh!

1198
00:48:09,885 --> 00:48:11,951
I didn't recognize you, Nick.

1199
00:48:11,953 --> 00:48:13,957
Oh, you didn't age well.

1200
00:48:16,425 --> 00:48:17,857
You're not on my schedule.

1201
00:48:17,859 --> 00:48:20,461
I know, I called you
an hour ago, remember?

1202
00:48:20,463 --> 00:48:21,861
This is why I
need an assistant.

1203
00:48:21,863 --> 00:48:23,730
I think I can fit
you in on Thursday.

1204
00:48:23,732 --> 00:48:24,865
No, I gotta talk
to you right now.

1205
00:48:24,867 --> 00:48:25,966
It's important.

1206
00:48:25,968 --> 00:48:29,270
Okay, you have 35 seconds, go.

1207
00:48:29,272 --> 00:48:30,703
Okay.

1208
00:48:30,705 --> 00:48:34,408
Did you and I have a child

1209
00:48:34,410 --> 00:48:38,412
that you secretly gave up
for adoption, by any chance?

1210
00:48:38,414 --> 00:48:40,881
Why would you ask me that?

1211
00:48:40,883 --> 00:48:42,383
Because this kid out here

1212
00:48:42,385 --> 00:48:45,386
deserves to know
who his mother is.

1213
00:48:45,388 --> 00:48:47,888
Well, he's awfully big.

1214
00:48:47,890 --> 00:48:49,555
Does baldness run
in your family?

1215
00:48:49,557 --> 00:48:50,691
Not him!

1216
00:48:50,693 --> 00:48:51,924
The other one!

1217
00:48:51,926 --> 00:48:52,792
Nick, for someone
who writes comedy,

1218
00:48:52,794 --> 00:48:55,662
you really can't
take a joke, can you?

1219
00:48:55,664 --> 00:48:56,863
I'm a little off my game.

1220
00:48:56,865 --> 00:48:58,031
Sorry, Nick, I can't help you.

1221
00:48:58,033 --> 00:48:58,966
It wasn't me.

1222
00:48:58,968 --> 00:49:01,301
Tell the kid I'm sorry.

1223
00:49:01,303 --> 00:49:02,939
Sorry to bother you.

1224
00:49:04,774 --> 00:49:05,775
Hey, Nick?

1225
00:49:06,709 --> 00:49:08,941
For whatever it's worth,
I can't have kids.

1226
00:49:08,943 --> 00:49:11,912
You would have found that
out if you'd stuck around.

1227
00:49:11,914 --> 00:49:12,979
I built my empire instead.

1228
00:49:12,981 --> 00:49:15,049
Everything happens for a reason.

1229
00:49:15,051 --> 00:49:16,486
Bye, good luck.

1230
00:49:23,392 --> 00:49:24,957
Another dead end?

1231
00:49:24,959 --> 00:49:25,794
Yup.

1232
00:49:32,868 --> 00:49:37,607
You really flushed that
golden ticket down the commode.

1233
00:49:50,419 --> 00:49:51,685
There are more women here

1234
00:49:51,687 --> 00:49:53,754
than in my entire
graduating class.

1235
00:49:53,756 --> 00:49:55,756
My class was huge, remember?

1236
00:49:55,758 --> 00:49:56,589
Want chips?

1237
00:49:56,591 --> 00:49:58,058
No, Kelly.

1238
00:49:58,060 --> 00:50:00,127
I still have to fit into
my wedding dress, remember?

1239
00:50:00,129 --> 00:50:02,595
Seriously, Nick should be
bronzed and put on exhibit

1240
00:50:02,597 --> 00:50:05,499
at the Alfred Kinsey museum.

1241
00:50:05,501 --> 00:50:07,100
Oh, there's another one.

1242
00:50:07,102 --> 00:50:10,807
That makes three
Christines at last count.

1243
00:50:12,607 --> 00:50:13,709
Oh, my God.

1244
00:50:14,776 --> 00:50:16,642
Nick is a gigolo.

1245
00:50:16,644 --> 00:50:18,078
What?

1246
00:50:18,080 --> 00:50:19,613
No, I don't think it says
anything about him getting paid.

1247
00:50:19,615 --> 00:50:21,381
He's just a slut.

1248
00:50:21,383 --> 00:50:22,116
You're right!

1249
00:50:22,118 --> 00:50:23,783
He's a slut!

1250
00:50:23,785 --> 00:50:26,386
And all this time,
he's been lying to me

1251
00:50:26,388 --> 00:50:31,024
and keeping secrets from
me and I've been an idiot!

1252
00:50:31,026 --> 00:50:33,060
All signs do point
to yes on that one.

1253
00:50:33,062 --> 00:50:34,928
So what do I do?

1254
00:50:34,930 --> 00:50:36,095
I don't know what to do!

1255
00:50:36,097 --> 00:50:40,133
I just need, I need
a little more time.

1256
00:50:40,135 --> 00:50:41,100
Sydney.

1257
00:50:41,102 --> 00:50:43,002
Just a little more time.

1258
00:50:43,004 --> 00:50:44,037
Nope, time is now.

1259
00:50:44,039 --> 00:50:45,506
What?

1260
00:50:45,508 --> 00:50:46,540
It's time.

1261
00:50:46,542 --> 00:50:48,075
- Oh, my god!
- We gotta go.

1262
00:50:48,077 --> 00:50:49,642
Wait, no.

1263
00:50:49,644 --> 00:50:51,779
Cover that, put something
on that chair on the mark.

1264
00:50:51,781 --> 00:50:52,745
Do you
want the chips?

1265
00:50:52,747 --> 00:50:54,415
Okay, yeah, bring the chips.

1266
00:50:54,417 --> 00:50:56,582
I gotta call Richard.

1267
00:50:59,655 --> 00:51:00,787
How're you doing?

1268
00:51:00,789 --> 00:51:02,423
Fine.

1269
00:51:02,425 --> 00:51:03,890
I wish I had some ice cream.

1270
00:51:03,892 --> 00:51:07,093
Oh, well, maybe later
we'll get you some.

1271
00:51:07,095 --> 00:51:08,694
That'd be great.

1272
00:51:08,696 --> 00:51:10,129
What's your favorite flavor?

1273
00:51:10,131 --> 00:51:10,964
Strawberry.

1274
00:51:10,966 --> 00:51:14,066
No way, that's
my favorite flavor.

1275
00:51:14,068 --> 00:51:15,334
What are the odds?

1276
00:51:15,336 --> 00:51:19,573
I mean, a lot of people like
strawberry, so not that high.

1277
00:51:19,575 --> 00:51:22,209
Ooh, ooh, Richard, Richard!

1278
00:51:22,211 --> 00:51:24,812
Answer your stupid phone!

1279
00:51:24,814 --> 00:51:26,015
Okay, okay, okay.

1280
00:51:27,182 --> 00:51:29,216
Ow, they're really
coming fast now!

1281
00:51:29,218 --> 00:51:31,017
Just try to stay calm, Kelly.

1282
00:51:31,019 --> 00:51:32,919
Why did you let me
eat all the chips?

1283
00:51:32,921 --> 00:51:35,087
I'm gonna be gassy
in the delivery room!

1284
00:51:35,089 --> 00:51:37,124
Do not worry about
that right now!

1285
00:51:37,126 --> 00:51:39,959
I would just relax and try to
concentrate on whatever it is

1286
00:51:39,961 --> 00:51:41,662
they tell you to concentrate on

1287
00:51:41,664 --> 00:51:43,129
in those La Paz
classes you took!

1288
00:51:43,131 --> 00:51:44,497
I wasn't listening!

1289
00:51:44,499 --> 00:51:46,066
It's Lamaze!

1290
00:51:46,068 --> 00:51:47,700
And how am I supposed to
relax when my Lamaze partner

1291
00:51:47,702 --> 00:51:50,102
won't even answer
his phone, god!

1292
00:51:50,104 --> 00:51:51,805
Richard, hi, it's your wife.

1293
00:51:51,807 --> 00:51:52,939
I'm gonna kill you!

1294
00:51:52,941 --> 00:51:55,042
Just breathe with me.

1295
00:51:55,044 --> 00:51:56,977
I don't
know what to do!

1296
00:51:56,979 --> 00:51:59,015
Sorry, that's just chips.

1297
00:52:00,115 --> 00:52:01,048
I'm having a baby!

1298
00:52:01,050 --> 00:52:02,249
How can he be stuck in traffic?

1299
00:52:02,251 --> 00:52:03,250
There's always
traffic on the 405.

1300
00:52:03,252 --> 00:52:04,250
He'll be here.

1301
00:52:04,252 --> 00:52:05,151
Oh, my god, he's not
gonna be here in time!

1302
00:52:05,153 --> 00:52:07,087
No, no, no, no, I
can't do this alone!

1303
00:52:07,089 --> 00:52:08,855
Syd, Syd, you have to
come in there with me!

1304
00:52:08,857 --> 00:52:09,923
Oh, no, no, I can't do that.

1305
00:52:09,925 --> 00:52:11,158
Yes, yes, you can!

1306
00:52:11,160 --> 00:52:12,093
I am your sister and
I say you have to!

1307
00:52:12,095 --> 00:52:13,627
Don't they have,
like, stand-by people,

1308
00:52:13,629 --> 00:52:14,727
like rent-a-coaches
or something?

1309
00:52:14,729 --> 00:52:16,229
Syd, Sydney!

1310
00:52:16,231 --> 00:52:18,765
You have to do this or I
will tell everyone in here

1311
00:52:18,767 --> 00:52:20,767
how you shit your pants at
Neil Greenblatt's bar mitzvah

1312
00:52:20,769 --> 00:52:22,535
and then you flushed your
underpants down the toilet

1313
00:52:22,537 --> 00:52:24,104
and flooded the entire
basement of the synagogue.

1314
00:52:24,106 --> 00:52:25,506
That was like 20 years ago.

1315
00:52:25,508 --> 00:52:26,607
I don't care!

1316
00:52:26,609 --> 00:52:28,174
I'm about to launch a
watermelon out of my punani!

1317
00:52:28,176 --> 00:52:30,877
Do not test me, Sydney!

1318
00:52:30,879 --> 00:52:31,944
Here we are.

1319
00:52:31,946 --> 00:52:33,082
947 Main Street.

1320
00:52:34,517 --> 00:52:35,218
Cross Hakido.

1321
00:52:36,252 --> 00:52:38,151
Wow, this place looks amazing.

1322
00:52:38,153 --> 00:52:39,986
I'm gonna sit this one
out and take Mr. Sparkles

1323
00:52:39,988 --> 00:52:41,988
on a much needed stroll.

1324
00:52:41,990 --> 00:52:43,122
We'll see you back here.

1325
00:52:43,124 --> 00:52:44,258
Okay.

1326
00:52:44,260 --> 00:52:45,292
Let's step that punch!

1327
00:52:46,528 --> 00:52:47,160
Single punch!

1328
00:52:47,997 --> 00:52:48,828
Two!

1329
00:52:48,830 --> 00:52:49,696
Three!

1330
00:52:49,698 --> 00:52:50,897
Four!

1331
00:52:50,899 --> 00:52:52,131
Attention.

1332
00:52:57,772 --> 00:52:59,205
Hey, Nick!

1333
00:52:59,207 --> 00:53:00,140
Hi, Schyler.

1334
00:53:00,142 --> 00:53:01,008
You look great.

1335
00:53:01,010 --> 00:53:02,843
This place is fantastic.

1336
00:53:02,845 --> 00:53:05,979
Yeah, and after two
years, I'm the owner.

1337
00:53:05,981 --> 00:53:08,015
Are you like a ninja?

1338
00:53:08,017 --> 00:53:09,283
Almost.

1339
00:53:09,285 --> 00:53:10,283
What's your name?

1340
00:53:10,285 --> 00:53:11,285
Mason.

1341
00:53:11,287 --> 00:53:13,120
Yeah, would you like
to join my class today?

1342
00:53:13,122 --> 00:53:14,321
Sure!

1343
00:53:14,323 --> 00:53:15,321
Okay, there's
extra gis over there

1344
00:53:15,323 --> 00:53:16,723
in the changing room.

1345
00:53:16,725 --> 00:53:17,624
Just put one on and
then come out to the mat

1346
00:53:17,626 --> 00:53:18,558
and join the class.

1347
00:53:18,560 --> 00:53:20,294
Okay, thanks!

1348
00:53:20,296 --> 00:53:21,194
He's a sweet kid.

1349
00:53:21,196 --> 00:53:22,629
Mm-hmm.

1350
00:53:22,631 --> 00:53:23,729
What's he doing
with a nut like you

1351
00:53:23,731 --> 00:53:25,732
and what do you want from me?

1352
00:53:25,734 --> 00:53:29,236
Well, it's a bit of
a delicate situation.

1353
00:53:29,238 --> 00:53:30,970
I need to talk about us.

1354
00:53:30,972 --> 00:53:31,872
Us?

1355
00:53:31,874 --> 00:53:33,276
As in you and me?

1356
00:53:34,276 --> 00:53:38,013
Yeah, it could also
involve other parties.

1357
00:53:40,015 --> 00:53:41,647
Interesting.

1358
00:53:41,649 --> 00:53:44,153
Okay, five-minute water break!

1359
00:53:45,287 --> 00:53:46,752
I'll tell you what, Nick.

1360
00:53:46,754 --> 00:53:48,321
I'm a little short-handed today.

1361
00:53:48,323 --> 00:53:49,890
Why don't you help me out
for the next 30 minutes

1362
00:53:49,892 --> 00:53:52,993
and maybe I'll answer
your questions.

1363
00:53:52,995 --> 00:53:54,962
Help you out?

1364
00:53:54,964 --> 00:53:56,099
Doing what?

1365
00:53:58,968 --> 00:54:00,232
Is this completely necessary?

1366
00:54:00,234 --> 00:54:04,071
You want your questions
answered or not?

1367
00:54:04,073 --> 00:54:05,037
Yeah.

1368
00:54:05,039 --> 00:54:06,305
Line up!

1369
00:54:06,307 --> 00:54:07,309
Yes, ma'am!

1370
00:54:10,713 --> 00:54:12,812
On your knees.

1371
00:54:17,185 --> 00:54:19,752
Oh, I'm so glad
you're so amused.

1372
00:54:19,754 --> 00:54:21,254
Side kicks!

1373
00:54:24,627 --> 00:54:26,158
Little lower next time, sweetie.

1374
00:54:26,160 --> 00:54:27,361
Could we take this seriously?

1375
00:54:27,363 --> 00:54:28,227
I need to find
this kid's mother.

1376
00:54:28,229 --> 00:54:29,363
Oh, I'm sorry, Nick,

1377
00:54:29,365 --> 00:54:31,397
but talk about a
needle in the haystack.

1378
00:54:31,399 --> 00:54:32,399
Well, I'll take
that to be a no?

1379
00:54:32,401 --> 00:54:33,834
Front kick!

1380
00:54:35,169 --> 00:54:36,403
Believe me, Nick,
if we had a baby,

1381
00:54:36,405 --> 00:54:38,104
you would have known
about it from day one.

1382
00:54:38,106 --> 00:54:39,872
Why don't you ask Tonya Wesson?

1383
00:54:39,874 --> 00:54:41,274
Tonya Wesson?

1384
00:54:41,276 --> 00:54:42,975
Who's Tonya Wesson?

1385
00:54:42,977 --> 00:54:45,044
Oh, now don't tell me
you don't remember Tonya.

1386
00:54:45,046 --> 00:54:48,314
Remember, my friend Tonya?

1387
00:54:48,316 --> 00:54:49,216
The one I caught you with

1388
00:54:49,218 --> 00:54:51,685
when you and I were
supposedly dating?

1389
00:54:51,687 --> 00:54:54,921
Oh, Tonya Wesson, yeah.

1390
00:54:54,923 --> 00:54:56,189
Well, I mean, that's
hardly my fault.

1391
00:54:56,191 --> 00:54:58,424
It takes two to tango, you know?

1392
00:54:58,426 --> 00:55:01,060
Yeah, but it only
takes one to say no.

1393
00:55:01,062 --> 00:55:02,029
Crotch kick!

1394
00:55:12,441 --> 00:55:13,874
What's wrong with you?

1395
00:55:13,876 --> 00:55:15,241
Move!

1396
00:55:15,243 --> 00:55:18,345
You don't let everybody
in front of you!

1397
00:55:18,347 --> 00:55:20,714
Come on, drive!

1398
00:55:22,251 --> 00:55:23,216
Hey, baby!

1399
00:55:23,218 --> 00:55:24,817
How's it going, huh?

1400
00:55:24,819 --> 00:55:25,986
How far away are you?

1401
00:55:25,988 --> 00:55:29,321
I don't know,
maybe 20, 30 minutes?

1402
00:55:29,323 --> 00:55:30,323
I'm gonna kill you!

1403
00:55:30,325 --> 00:55:31,258
I'm on my way!

1404
00:55:31,260 --> 00:55:32,359
I am coming, don't worry!

1405
00:55:32,361 --> 00:55:34,093
You're gonna
stay on this phone

1406
00:55:34,095 --> 00:55:36,229
until you get here or this
baby does, do you hear me?

1407
00:55:36,231 --> 00:55:37,698
Yup, yup.

1408
00:55:37,700 --> 00:55:39,066
Come on, I
gotta get to work!

1409
00:55:39,068 --> 00:55:40,399
I'm stayin' on the phone.

1410
00:55:40,401 --> 00:55:41,368
Thanks for your help, Nick.

1411
00:55:41,370 --> 00:55:43,803
Oh, sure, anytime.

1412
00:55:43,805 --> 00:55:45,337
Hey, Fabular, check it out!

1413
00:55:46,874 --> 00:55:48,475
Oh, that's impressive.

1414
00:55:48,477 --> 00:55:50,910
The next time I need a bodyguard,
I'm gonna give you a call.

1415
00:55:50,912 --> 00:55:53,946
Well, it is a small
world after all.

1416
00:55:53,948 --> 00:55:56,415
Hello, Ernie, long time no see.

1417
00:55:56,417 --> 00:55:57,984
I beg your pardon?

1418
00:55:57,986 --> 00:55:59,453
I think you made a mistake.

1419
00:55:59,455 --> 00:56:00,720
This is The Amazing Fabular.

1420
00:56:00,722 --> 00:56:02,354
Oh, yes, yes it is.

1421
00:56:02,356 --> 00:56:04,390
Also known as Ernie Swanson.

1422
00:56:04,392 --> 00:56:08,462
Cerritos Clown
University, class of 1994.

1423
00:56:08,464 --> 00:56:10,129
You went to Clown College?

1424
00:56:10,131 --> 00:56:11,365
You bet he did.

1425
00:56:11,367 --> 00:56:14,500
Only unlike the rest of our
class who dedicated our talents

1426
00:56:14,502 --> 00:56:16,736
to the entertaining of children,

1427
00:56:16,738 --> 00:56:19,439
Ernie here parlayed his skills
into bilking aging actresses

1428
00:56:19,441 --> 00:56:21,841
and rich widows out of
their bank accounts.

1429
00:56:21,843 --> 00:56:23,276
How dare you!

1430
00:56:23,278 --> 00:56:24,477
Is that true?

1431
00:56:24,479 --> 00:56:26,178
Of course not!

1432
00:56:26,180 --> 00:56:28,848
I've never laid eyes on
this wannabe Jackie Chan!

1433
00:56:28,850 --> 00:56:30,015
Oh, yeah, yeah, all right.

1434
00:56:30,017 --> 00:56:31,517
Well, maybe this
will jog your memory?

1435
00:56:31,519 --> 00:56:34,187
I was there the night Ernie
here got so loaded on grog

1436
00:56:34,189 --> 00:56:35,388
at the Renaissance fair,

1437
00:56:35,390 --> 00:56:40,127
he got a drawing of Justin
Timberlake tattooed on his butt!

1438
00:56:40,129 --> 00:56:41,428
I will not stand here

1439
00:56:41,430 --> 00:56:45,165
and listen to any more of
this psychotic slander!

1440
00:56:45,167 --> 00:56:47,500
Look, Nick, I meant
what I said before.

1441
00:56:47,502 --> 00:56:49,136
I wish you luck.

1442
00:56:49,138 --> 00:56:51,337
But if you're receiving
messages from this con artist,

1443
00:56:51,339 --> 00:56:54,875
then you're gonna need a
whole lot more than luck.

1444
00:56:54,877 --> 00:56:56,977
Mason, you're a good kid.

1445
00:56:56,979 --> 00:56:58,477
I hope you find your mom.

1446
00:56:58,479 --> 00:56:59,715
Thanks.

1447
00:57:01,950 --> 00:57:04,216
Goodness, this
creature has taken leave!

1448
00:57:04,218 --> 00:57:05,519
It's no wonder Mr. Sparkles

1449
00:57:05,521 --> 00:57:09,425
didn't leap to my defense
and rip out her jugular!

1450
00:57:11,225 --> 00:57:13,859
Mason, will you just
hang out here for a second?

1451
00:57:13,861 --> 00:57:16,095
I'm gonna talk to
Fabbie for a minute.

1452
00:57:16,097 --> 00:57:17,798
- Okay.
- What are you doing?

1453
00:57:17,800 --> 00:57:18,832
Oh, come on.

1454
00:57:18,834 --> 00:57:20,500
Okay, unhand me!

1455
00:57:20,502 --> 00:57:21,567
Show me your ass.

1456
00:57:21,569 --> 00:57:22,535
What are you,

1457
00:57:22,537 --> 00:57:24,136
You let me go right now!

1458
00:57:24,138 --> 00:57:25,337
- Show me your ass right now!
- Let me go right now!

1459
00:57:25,339 --> 00:57:26,538
Look, I'm gonna ask
you one last time,

1460
00:57:26,540 --> 00:57:30,410
do you or do you not have
Justin Timberlake on your ass?

1461
00:57:30,412 --> 00:57:31,377
So that's it?

1462
00:57:31,379 --> 00:57:32,578
That's how you treat a friend?

1463
00:57:32,580 --> 00:57:34,080
We are not friends.

1464
00:57:34,082 --> 00:57:36,283
So you'd just take the
word of a total stranger?

1465
00:57:36,285 --> 00:57:39,386
You're the total stranger.

1466
00:57:39,388 --> 00:57:43,490
And this hereby terminates
our association.

1467
00:57:43,492 --> 00:57:44,857
I don't wanna see you.

1468
00:57:44,859 --> 00:57:46,292
I don't wanna hear from you.

1469
00:57:46,294 --> 00:57:49,995
You get back into your
Fab-Mobile, get outta here.

1470
00:57:49,997 --> 00:57:51,434
Nicholas, wait.

1471
00:57:56,571 --> 00:58:00,073
Don't speak bad of me in
front of the boy, okay?

1472
00:58:00,075 --> 00:58:02,944
You don't know what
he means to me.

1473
00:58:04,479 --> 00:58:06,479
That woman was right.

1474
00:58:06,481 --> 00:58:09,218
I'm a fake, a
fraud, a charlatan.

1475
00:58:12,086 --> 00:58:15,055
I've spent most of my life
duping people out of money

1476
00:58:15,057 --> 00:58:21,229
by pretending to offer
them hope, faith, closure.

1477
00:58:21,562 --> 00:58:22,529
Why are you
telling me this now?

1478
00:58:22,531 --> 00:58:23,165
Because

1479
00:58:26,068 --> 00:58:28,567
when that boy popped in my head,

1480
00:58:28,569 --> 00:58:31,406
I instantly knew
things about him.

1481
00:58:32,573 --> 00:58:36,977
I could feel his confusion,
I could feel his pain,

1482
00:58:36,979 --> 00:58:39,345
I could feel his loneliness.

1483
00:58:39,347 --> 00:58:41,550
And I knew I had to help him.

1484
00:58:44,553 --> 00:58:46,653
You accused me of stealing
money from his foster mother.

1485
00:58:46,655 --> 00:58:50,089
I have not taken a single penny.

1486
00:58:50,091 --> 00:58:54,660
'Cause that boy offers
something far more valuable.

1487
00:58:54,662 --> 00:58:59,534
He makes me believe I can be
a better version of myself.

1488
00:59:03,437 --> 00:59:06,406
And I know if, given
the opportunity,

1489
00:59:06,408 --> 00:59:09,145
he can do the same
thing for you.

1490
00:59:12,680 --> 00:59:16,151
I really wanna
believe you right now.

1491
00:59:20,622 --> 00:59:22,689
Well, believe this.

1492
00:59:22,691 --> 00:59:24,658
If you cut me out
of that boy's life,

1493
00:59:24,660 --> 00:59:26,526
I will never help you again.

1494
00:59:26,528 --> 00:59:30,265
And mark my words, you're
gonna need my help.

1495
00:59:32,033 --> 00:59:34,700
Well, I guess
we'll never know.

1496
00:59:34,702 --> 00:59:35,537
Up, up.

1497
00:59:43,946 --> 00:59:45,147
Good luck, Mason.

1498
00:59:46,013 --> 00:59:49,316
Sorry I can't finish our quest.

1499
00:59:49,318 --> 00:59:51,586
I have a speech to deliver.

1500
01:00:06,001 --> 01:00:07,734
Okay, everything's
looking great, Kelly.

1501
01:00:07,736 --> 01:00:08,600
- Good.
- Just keep

1502
01:00:08,602 --> 01:00:09,736
doing your breathing.

1503
01:00:09,738 --> 01:00:11,705
Great, Richard, breathing.

1504
01:00:11,707 --> 01:00:13,339
I wasn't listening, I'm sorry!

1505
01:00:13,341 --> 01:00:14,274
Okay, breathe, baby.

1506
01:00:14,276 --> 01:00:16,245
One, two, three, breathe.

1507
01:00:21,283 --> 01:00:22,582
Very good.

1508
01:00:22,584 --> 01:00:24,084
- Doing great?
- Great, you're doing great!

1509
01:00:24,086 --> 01:00:25,017
Now we're gonna
to start to push, okay?

1510
01:00:25,019 --> 01:00:27,555
Okay, yeah, okay, okay, okay.

1511
01:00:29,490 --> 01:00:30,323
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!

1512
01:00:30,325 --> 01:00:31,256
Wait, wait, wait!

1513
01:00:31,258 --> 01:00:31,991
You have to sing the song!

1514
01:00:31,993 --> 01:00:32,691
What song?

1515
01:00:32,693 --> 01:00:34,160
Richard, tell her!

1516
01:00:34,162 --> 01:00:36,129
Deep Inside of You
by Third Eye Blind.

1517
01:00:36,131 --> 01:00:37,663
Why do I have
to sing that song?

1518
01:00:37,665 --> 01:00:38,531
'Cause that was
the song that was playing

1519
01:00:38,533 --> 01:00:39,665
when Kelly and I
were making our baby.

1520
01:00:39,667 --> 01:00:41,368
Didn't need to know that.

1521
01:00:41,370 --> 01:00:44,337
No, no, but wait, wait,
we promised each other

1522
01:00:44,339 --> 01:00:47,272
that we'd sing this
song during the birth.

1523
01:00:47,274 --> 01:00:48,241
So just sing it!

1524
01:00:48,243 --> 01:00:49,542
I don't know the words!

1525
01:00:49,544 --> 01:00:51,276
It's okay, you
guys sing the chorus

1526
01:00:51,278 --> 01:00:54,214
and I'll help you
get through it.

1527
01:00:54,216 --> 01:00:57,316
♪ My friends say I've changed ♪

1528
01:00:57,318 --> 01:01:02,223
♪ I don't listen
'cause I need to be ♪

1529
01:01:02,790 --> 01:01:05,792
♪ Deep inside of you ♪

1530
01:01:05,794 --> 01:01:07,727
♪ Slide up her dress ♪

1531
01:01:07,729 --> 01:01:09,729
♪ Shouts in darkness ♪

1532
01:01:09,731 --> 01:01:13,533
♪ I'm so alive ♪

1533
01:01:13,535 --> 01:01:16,336
♪ And I'm deep inside of you ♪

1534
01:01:16,338 --> 01:01:20,707
♪ You said boy make
girl feel good ♪

1535
01:01:20,709 --> 01:01:24,044
♪ But still, deep inside ♪

1536
01:01:24,046 --> 01:01:25,647
♪ Still ♪

1537
01:01:27,249 --> 01:01:28,247
Okay, Kelly,

1538
01:01:28,249 --> 01:01:30,616
just one good, strong push.

1539
01:01:30,618 --> 01:01:32,051
Right, okay, okay.

1540
01:01:32,053 --> 01:01:34,053
I'm gonna push now.

1541
01:01:34,055 --> 01:01:35,724
- Ready?
- Push, push!

1542
01:01:43,064 --> 01:01:44,531
Richard!

1543
01:01:48,769 --> 01:01:52,071
Hi!

1544
01:01:52,073 --> 01:01:53,540
Aw, Kelly, you did it!

1545
01:02:09,223 --> 01:02:11,227
Hi, Joanna, it's Nick.

1546
01:02:12,359 --> 01:02:14,861
Yeah, we had some
unexpected diversions

1547
01:02:14,863 --> 01:02:17,165
but we're on our way now.

1548
01:02:18,133 --> 01:02:18,768
Who's we?

1549
01:02:20,102 --> 01:02:21,366
That's why I'm
calling you again.

1550
01:02:21,368 --> 01:02:22,836
I have to ask you something

1551
01:02:22,838 --> 01:02:26,506
before we waste
each other's time.

1552
01:02:26,508 --> 01:02:29,812
And forgive me for
being blunt about this.

1553
01:02:33,414 --> 01:02:36,816
Did you and I have a kid
together that I'm unaware of

1554
01:02:36,818 --> 01:02:39,522
that you gave up for adoption?

1555
01:02:56,437 --> 01:02:58,673
So what are we doing now?

1556
01:03:00,175 --> 01:03:02,778
We're gonna go
meet your mother.

1557
01:03:07,883 --> 01:03:09,318
Are you sleepy?

1558
01:03:10,519 --> 01:03:12,588
Look at the little hands.

1559
01:03:14,421 --> 01:03:16,455
Thank you for
being here with me.

1560
01:03:16,457 --> 01:03:17,689
And thank you for singing.

1561
01:03:17,691 --> 01:03:20,292
I'm very sorry I did
not know the words.

1562
01:03:20,294 --> 01:03:20,926
Was I horrible?

1563
01:03:20,928 --> 01:03:23,296
No, you were perfect.

1564
01:03:23,298 --> 01:03:25,198
She's so beautiful.

1565
01:03:25,200 --> 01:03:28,667
Yeah, this may prevent me

1566
01:03:28,669 --> 01:03:30,904
from being your maid
of honor on Sunday.

1567
01:03:30,906 --> 01:03:32,272
I'm not so sure
there's gonna be a need

1568
01:03:32,274 --> 01:03:33,906
for a maid of honor Sunday.

1569
01:03:33,908 --> 01:03:35,475
What?

1570
01:03:35,477 --> 01:03:39,611
Why, you're still gonna
marry Nick, aren't you?

1571
01:03:39,613 --> 01:03:41,617
So he has a lot of exes.

1572
01:03:43,185 --> 01:03:43,786
And he lied.

1573
01:03:44,752 --> 01:03:46,618
And he may have some
illegitimate children

1574
01:03:46,620 --> 01:03:51,626
you don't know about but
still, you two belong together.

1575
01:03:52,794 --> 01:03:54,629
Wait, what are
you talking about?

1576
01:03:56,531 --> 01:03:58,698
You just spent the last 48
hours trying to convince me

1577
01:03:58,700 --> 01:04:00,265
Nick is a monster.

1578
01:04:00,267 --> 01:04:02,935
What about protecting me?

1579
01:04:02,937 --> 01:04:03,771
Yeah.

1580
01:04:06,874 --> 01:04:09,709
I'm all done protecting you.

1581
01:04:09,711 --> 01:04:13,312
I have someone else
to protect now.

1582
01:04:13,314 --> 01:04:14,580
I did it, baby!

1583
01:04:14,582 --> 01:04:16,216
I made it to the
hospital, I'm here!

1584
01:04:16,218 --> 01:04:17,816
I'm coming!

1585
01:04:17,818 --> 01:04:18,850
Okay, love you.

1586
01:04:18,852 --> 01:04:19,986
I know!

1587
01:04:19,988 --> 01:04:21,323
I love you, too!

1588
01:04:23,258 --> 01:04:24,957
So Nick may have
sowed more seed

1589
01:04:24,959 --> 01:04:26,625
than John Deere in the past.

1590
01:04:26,627 --> 01:04:30,930
You are the one he chose to
spend the rest of his life with.

1591
01:04:30,932 --> 01:04:31,800
He loves you.

1592
01:04:36,238 --> 01:04:39,175
And I know that you are gonna
make the right decision.

1593
01:04:43,377 --> 01:04:44,877
Oh!

1594
01:04:44,879 --> 01:04:46,412
Sorry, I'm late.

1595
01:04:46,414 --> 01:04:47,846
Did I miss something?

1596
01:04:47,848 --> 01:04:50,015
You're so stupid.

1597
01:04:50,017 --> 01:04:51,618
Meet your daughter.

1598
01:04:51,620 --> 01:04:52,884
It's a girl?

1599
01:04:52,886 --> 01:04:54,921
Stephanie Jenkins Kowalski.

1600
01:04:54,923 --> 01:04:56,457
Oh!

1601
01:05:00,495 --> 01:05:02,397
She's totally asleep.

1602
01:05:18,345 --> 01:05:19,948
This is it, 305.

1603
01:05:25,787 --> 01:05:26,852
You ready?

1604
01:05:26,854 --> 01:05:28,654
I think so.

1605
01:05:28,656 --> 01:05:29,892
Come on then.

1606
01:05:34,328 --> 01:05:35,560
It's gonna be okay.

1607
01:05:35,562 --> 01:05:37,497
This is what you've
been waiting for.

1608
01:05:37,499 --> 01:05:39,432
Yeah, I'm just
a little nervous.

1609
01:05:39,434 --> 01:05:40,269
Me too.

1610
01:05:43,838 --> 01:05:45,404
Stand up straight.

1611
01:05:45,406 --> 01:05:47,874
First impressions are
essential to new relationships,

1612
01:05:47,876 --> 01:05:49,011
don't you think?

1613
01:05:52,479 --> 01:05:55,848
Well, it took you long enough.

1614
01:05:55,850 --> 01:05:57,582
Look at you, Nick.

1615
01:05:57,584 --> 01:05:58,817
You look like the
same self-centered ass

1616
01:05:58,819 --> 01:06:01,020
I fell for all those years ago.

1617
01:06:01,022 --> 01:06:04,026
You haven't changed
a bit, have you?

1618
01:06:05,493 --> 01:06:06,328
This him?

1619
01:06:07,629 --> 01:06:08,928
What is his name again?

1620
01:06:08,930 --> 01:06:10,363
My name's Mason.

1621
01:06:10,365 --> 01:06:11,798
It's nice to meet you.

1622
01:06:11,800 --> 01:06:13,098
Mason?

1623
01:06:13,100 --> 01:06:15,100
Did I name you that?

1624
01:06:15,102 --> 01:06:16,868
What kind of name is Mason?

1625
01:06:16,870 --> 01:06:19,971
Like a cartoon
moose or something.

1626
01:06:19,973 --> 01:06:21,743
You know what I mean?

1627
01:06:23,044 --> 01:06:24,042
I'm kidding, it's cute.

1628
01:06:24,044 --> 01:06:27,615
Come on in, meet your
brothers and sisters.

1629
01:06:31,986 --> 01:06:33,022
Hey!

1630
01:06:37,492 --> 01:06:38,924
Mason, I don't know
if you ate, hon.

1631
01:06:38,926 --> 01:06:43,395
We have Easy Mac or
Cap'n Crunch if you want.

1632
01:06:43,397 --> 01:06:44,730
I'm okay, thanks.

1633
01:06:44,732 --> 01:06:45,564
Okay.

1634
01:06:45,566 --> 01:06:47,435
Hey, listen up.

1635
01:06:50,372 --> 01:06:52,372
This is Mason, he's
your new brother.

1636
01:06:52,374 --> 01:06:55,077
This is Frankie,
Lenny, Johnny and,

1637
01:06:56,877 --> 01:06:57,713
Todd.

1638
01:06:59,080 --> 01:07:01,413
I was going to meetings
when I had him, so.

1639
01:07:01,415 --> 01:07:03,816
So this little cutie is Rachel.

1640
01:07:03,818 --> 01:07:05,084
Can you say hello?

1641
01:07:05,086 --> 01:07:06,451
Yeah.

1642
01:07:06,453 --> 01:07:08,120
Where's their dad?

1643
01:07:08,122 --> 01:07:11,457
Lock-up, rehab, shacked up
with a pole dancer in Barstow

1644
01:07:11,459 --> 01:07:13,058
and buried in Texas.

1645
01:07:13,060 --> 01:07:14,993
But we don't talk about that.

1646
01:07:14,995 --> 01:07:17,397
Frankie, here, take your sister.

1647
01:07:17,399 --> 01:07:20,031
Get that crap out of your hair.

1648
01:07:20,033 --> 01:07:21,002
Get her a toy.

1649
01:07:22,636 --> 01:07:24,035
Mason, why don't you sit
with the boys and watch TV

1650
01:07:24,037 --> 01:07:26,439
while your daddy and I
have a little talk, okay?

1651
01:07:26,441 --> 01:07:28,042
Yeah, yeah, sure.

1652
01:07:33,180 --> 01:07:34,015
Hey, guys.

1653
01:07:43,057 --> 01:07:44,689
All right, I'll take him.

1654
01:07:44,691 --> 01:07:46,426
You'll take him?

1655
01:07:46,428 --> 01:07:49,629
Yeah, that's why you came
all the way here, isn't it?

1656
01:07:49,631 --> 01:07:52,131
Obviously you don't want him.

1657
01:07:52,133 --> 01:07:56,071
Well, it's not that I
don't want him, I just

1658
01:07:56,905 --> 01:07:57,870
have my reasons.

1659
01:07:57,872 --> 01:07:58,671
Oh, yeah, sure.

1660
01:07:58,673 --> 01:08:00,508
You boys always
have your reasons.

1661
01:08:03,678 --> 01:08:05,381
Why didn't you ever tell me?

1662
01:08:07,582 --> 01:08:09,417
You were gone, Nick.

1663
01:08:11,653 --> 01:08:13,185
You disappeared on me.

1664
01:08:13,187 --> 01:08:17,223
No goodbye, no good luck,
not even a good riddance.

1665
01:08:17,225 --> 01:08:18,590
I'm sorry.

1666
01:08:18,592 --> 01:08:19,892
Oh, no.

1667
01:08:19,894 --> 01:08:22,562
I'm sure you had your reasons.

1668
01:08:22,564 --> 01:08:23,464
I had mine.

1669
01:08:25,467 --> 01:08:28,036
I was young, scared, alone.

1670
01:08:31,172 --> 01:08:33,505
I couldn't even afford a phone.

1671
01:08:33,507 --> 01:08:35,843
So, you know, I gave him up.

1672
01:08:36,977 --> 01:08:38,710
I felt so damned
guilty about it,

1673
01:08:38,712 --> 01:08:41,883
I vowed never to
give up a baby again.

1674
01:08:43,016 --> 01:08:45,987
You can see how well
that turned out.

1675
01:08:47,187 --> 01:08:50,755
I'm sorry, I can't imagine
how hard it would be to

1676
01:08:50,757 --> 01:08:52,994
raise all those kids alone.

1677
01:08:54,229 --> 01:08:56,127
Oh, well, at least he's old
enough to get a work permit.

1678
01:08:56,129 --> 01:08:59,197
If nothing else, he'll be
another source of income.

1679
01:08:59,199 --> 01:09:02,734
Listen, I fully intend to
contribute to his well-being so.

1680
01:09:02,736 --> 01:09:05,971
Yeah, oh, yeah, you
will be doing that, too.

1681
01:09:05,973 --> 01:09:07,572
I'm sure you can afford it

1682
01:09:07,574 --> 01:09:11,176
being you're the famous
kid-hater and all that.

1683
01:09:11,178 --> 01:09:13,813
You should follow
me around for a day.

1684
01:09:13,815 --> 01:09:16,118
You'd get some great material.

1685
01:09:17,150 --> 01:09:17,985
Seriously.

1686
01:09:24,792 --> 01:09:25,992
All right, I'm curious.

1687
01:09:25,994 --> 01:09:28,126
What are your reasons
this time around?

1688
01:09:28,128 --> 01:09:32,063
Well, for one thing, I'm
getting married on Sunday.

1689
01:09:32,065 --> 01:09:34,200
Congratulations.

1690
01:09:34,202 --> 01:09:35,635
Let me guess.

1691
01:09:35,637 --> 01:09:37,169
She's a total peach
with a rocking body

1692
01:09:37,171 --> 01:09:40,139
and a personality so
sunny she blooms daffodils

1693
01:09:40,141 --> 01:09:41,741
right outta her ass.

1694
01:09:41,743 --> 01:09:42,577
Hey.

1695
01:09:45,579 --> 01:09:48,850
She doesn't know
about him, does she?

1696
01:09:54,556 --> 01:09:55,757
That's rich, man.

1697
01:09:58,126 --> 01:09:59,858
Nothing like starting
a lifelong commitment

1698
01:09:59,860 --> 01:10:01,696
with a big fat secret.

1699
01:10:06,700 --> 01:10:08,870
Good luck with that, Nick.

1700
01:10:10,305 --> 01:10:14,307
Mom, Lenny and Johnny are
tattooing the baby again!

1701
01:10:14,309 --> 01:10:15,640
Oh, for Christ sake!

1702
01:10:15,642 --> 01:10:17,343
You little monsters!

1703
01:10:17,345 --> 01:10:21,279
What have I told you about
drawing on the baby, huh?

1704
01:10:21,281 --> 01:10:23,316
This is permanent marker!

1705
01:10:23,318 --> 01:10:25,587
What is wrong with you two?

1706
01:10:29,324 --> 01:10:32,094
Everybody go to bed right now!

1707
01:10:37,598 --> 01:10:38,363
Well, that's another two weeks

1708
01:10:38,365 --> 01:10:40,099
I can't take her out in public.

1709
01:10:40,101 --> 01:10:41,834
I know, I know, honey.

1710
01:10:41,836 --> 01:10:44,737
Frankie, go get the air
mattress out of the shed.

1711
01:10:44,739 --> 01:10:45,938
I'm putting Mason
in with you three.

1712
01:10:45,940 --> 01:10:47,005
Oh, come on!

1713
01:10:47,007 --> 01:10:47,974
There no room in there as it...

1714
01:10:47,976 --> 01:10:50,276
Hey, do not back talk me.

1715
01:10:50,278 --> 01:10:53,748
It's fine, I'll just
sleep on the couch.

1716
01:10:55,048 --> 01:10:56,081
Well, thank you, Mason.

1717
01:10:56,083 --> 01:10:57,617
That's very helpful.

1718
01:10:57,619 --> 01:10:58,350
I gotta go clean her up.

1719
01:10:58,352 --> 01:11:00,721
Say goodbye to your father.

1720
01:11:08,629 --> 01:11:10,328
I'd just
like to say thank you.

1721
01:11:10,330 --> 01:11:11,997
For what?

1722
01:11:11,999 --> 01:11:15,701
For keeping your promise
and helping me find my mother.

1723
01:11:15,703 --> 01:11:17,138
You're welcome.

1724
01:11:18,338 --> 01:11:19,574
Listen.

1725
01:11:21,909 --> 01:11:24,212
Is there anything you need or,

1726
01:11:26,047 --> 01:11:27,013
anything I can...

1727
01:11:27,015 --> 01:11:28,584
No, I'll be fine.

1728
01:11:29,984 --> 01:11:32,318
I told you, all I wanted
from you was this one thing

1729
01:11:32,320 --> 01:11:33,885
and you did it.

1730
01:11:33,887 --> 01:11:36,824
Now you can go off
and get married.

1731
01:11:38,258 --> 01:11:40,259
Yeah, well, that seems kinda
questionable at this point.

1732
01:11:40,261 --> 01:11:41,661
Why?

1733
01:11:41,663 --> 01:11:42,894
I thought once I
was out of the way,

1734
01:11:42,896 --> 01:11:44,663
you'd be free to get married.

1735
01:11:44,665 --> 01:11:46,264
Well, it seemed
that way last night

1736
01:11:46,266 --> 01:11:50,037
but this has been a very,
very, very long day.

1737
01:11:52,440 --> 01:11:53,272
Are you all right?

1738
01:11:53,274 --> 01:11:54,843
What are you doing?

1739
01:11:56,244 --> 01:11:58,044
I'm calling on my
own psychic powers

1740
01:11:58,046 --> 01:12:00,248
to see how things turn out.

1741
01:12:03,985 --> 01:12:05,417
Well?

1742
01:12:05,419 --> 01:12:06,622
Well what?

1743
01:12:07,623 --> 01:12:10,423
Well, aren't you gonna
tell me what's in store?

1744
01:12:10,425 --> 01:12:11,389
Heck, no.

1745
01:12:11,391 --> 01:12:13,160
That'd be cheating.

1746
01:12:14,227 --> 01:12:15,663
What a rip-off.

1747
01:12:57,504 --> 01:12:58,470
Well, I mean, this seemed like

1748
01:12:58,472 --> 01:13:00,371
the perfect moment to say it.

1749
01:13:00,373 --> 01:13:01,976
You're my father.

1750
01:13:07,981 --> 01:13:10,349
Is there any way I could take
a piece of that for the road?

1751
01:13:11,985 --> 01:13:13,318
When was the last time
you had your radar gun

1752
01:13:13,320 --> 01:13:15,487
calibrated for accuracy?

1753
01:13:15,489 --> 01:13:16,622
Are you a ninja?

1754
01:13:16,624 --> 01:13:20,192
I knew I had met the man
of my dreams when he spoke

1755
01:13:20,194 --> 01:13:24,031
these three precious
words to me, I hate kids.

1756
01:13:26,967 --> 01:13:29,268
So, what is that thing anyway?

1757
01:13:29,270 --> 01:13:30,803
It's a fidget spinner.

1758
01:13:30,805 --> 01:13:32,071
It helps keep me calm.

1759
01:13:32,073 --> 01:13:33,005
Oh, yeah?

1760
01:13:33,007 --> 01:13:35,077
I could use one of those.

1761
01:14:02,136 --> 01:14:03,434
Hi.

1762
01:14:03,436 --> 01:14:04,472
Hi.

1763
01:14:13,013 --> 01:14:14,246
Thanks for coming by.

1764
01:14:14,248 --> 01:14:18,050
It was at the top of
my to-do list today.

1765
01:14:18,052 --> 01:14:21,123
How was the lecture
in Santa Barbara?

1766
01:14:25,092 --> 01:14:27,126
There was no lecture.

1767
01:14:27,128 --> 01:14:28,560
I know.

1768
01:14:28,562 --> 01:14:29,429
We need to have a serious...

1769
01:14:29,431 --> 01:14:31,831
I'm calling off
the wedding, Nick.

1770
01:14:31,833 --> 01:14:32,665
That's what I was gonna do.

1771
01:14:32,667 --> 01:14:35,099
Well, it's too
late, I just did it.

1772
01:14:35,101 --> 01:14:36,434
Yeah, I heard that.

1773
01:14:36,436 --> 01:14:37,670
Why were you
gonna call it off?

1774
01:14:37,672 --> 01:14:40,505
Oh, no, you called it off
first, you gotta say why first.

1775
01:14:40,507 --> 01:14:43,075
Well, I first considered it

1776
01:14:43,077 --> 01:14:44,910
when I found out
there wasn't a lecture

1777
01:14:44,912 --> 01:14:47,315
in Santa Barbara or wherever.

1778
01:14:48,248 --> 01:14:49,081
That's what did it?

1779
01:14:49,083 --> 01:14:50,482
No.

1780
01:14:50,484 --> 01:14:52,518
And then I found this
giant box of girlfriends

1781
01:14:52,520 --> 01:14:54,586
which was horrifying.

1782
01:14:54,588 --> 01:14:57,255
How did you ever find
time to write a book?

1783
01:14:57,257 --> 01:14:58,590
So that's why
you're calling it off?

1784
01:14:58,592 --> 01:14:59,425
No.

1785
01:14:59,427 --> 01:15:00,492
No?

1786
01:15:00,494 --> 01:15:02,594
It wasn't your
lying in the present

1787
01:15:02,596 --> 01:15:06,497
and it wasn't my
trolling around the past.

1788
01:15:06,499 --> 01:15:08,537
It's about the future.

1789
01:15:10,070 --> 01:15:11,336
You don't want to marry me

1790
01:15:11,338 --> 01:15:12,604
because of something
I haven't done yet?

1791
01:15:12,606 --> 01:15:14,639
It's not about you, Nick.

1792
01:15:14,641 --> 01:15:16,207
It's about me.

1793
01:15:16,209 --> 01:15:17,443
You don't want to marry me

1794
01:15:17,445 --> 01:15:20,549
because of something
you haven't done yet?

1795
01:15:22,115 --> 01:15:24,019
I've changed my mind.

1796
01:15:25,586 --> 01:15:27,823
I wanna have a family.

1797
01:15:28,890 --> 01:15:29,891
I want kids.

1798
01:15:33,494 --> 01:15:34,893
Nick.

1799
01:15:34,895 --> 01:15:37,563
You need to trust me, Sydney.

1800
01:15:37,565 --> 01:15:42,201
I've loved you since the
first time I saw you.

1801
01:15:42,203 --> 01:15:45,603
I love you with every
molecule of my being.

1802
01:15:45,605 --> 01:15:48,510
I don't wanna be
without you, ever.

1803
01:15:50,311 --> 01:15:52,210
You believe that, right?

1804
01:15:52,212 --> 01:15:53,912
Yes.

1805
01:15:53,914 --> 01:15:56,081
Then come with me.

1806
01:15:56,083 --> 01:15:57,619
Where are we going?

1807
01:15:58,686 --> 01:16:01,319
I can't undo
everything in my past

1808
01:16:01,321 --> 01:16:03,421
but there is one thing
that I can change.

1809
01:16:03,423 --> 01:16:04,258
Come on.

1810
01:16:23,476 --> 01:16:25,544
I'm gonna
get you, Johnny!

1811
01:16:25,546 --> 01:16:26,481
Hey, hey!

1812
01:16:34,020 --> 01:16:35,122
Hello, Nick.

1813
01:16:40,226 --> 01:16:41,960
This must be daffodil.

1814
01:16:41,962 --> 01:16:43,163
Hi, I'm Sydney.

1815
01:16:44,699 --> 01:16:46,197
Please.

1816
01:16:46,199 --> 01:16:47,599
You forget something?

1817
01:16:47,601 --> 01:16:50,202
I want Mason back.

1818
01:16:50,204 --> 01:16:52,537
Really, what happened?

1819
01:16:52,539 --> 01:16:55,541
You feel guilty for a change?

1820
01:16:55,543 --> 01:16:57,445
What's it like for you?

1821
01:16:58,678 --> 01:16:59,978
Just get him.

1822
01:16:59,980 --> 01:17:02,715
Oh, I would love
to but he's gone.

1823
01:17:02,717 --> 01:17:03,648
Gone?

1824
01:17:03,650 --> 01:17:05,384
What do you mean he's gone?

1825
01:17:05,386 --> 01:17:06,417
He snuck out in the
middle of the night.

1826
01:17:06,419 --> 01:17:07,618
Just up and left.

1827
01:17:07,620 --> 01:17:11,357
Not a goodbye, not a good
luck, not even a good riddance.

1828
01:17:11,359 --> 01:17:12,558
Congratulations, Nick,

1829
01:17:12,560 --> 01:17:14,727
he turned out to be
just like you after all.

1830
01:17:14,729 --> 01:17:16,761
Well, don't you have
any idea where he is?

1831
01:17:16,763 --> 01:17:18,967
What do I look
like a mind reader?

1832
01:17:22,602 --> 01:17:24,702
I'm getting an A.

1833
01:17:24,704 --> 01:17:26,140
A really big A.

1834
01:17:29,243 --> 01:17:30,078
Nick?

1835
01:17:36,717 --> 01:17:39,350
I know how to find him.

1836
01:17:39,352 --> 01:17:42,453
We, the gifted, face
insurmountable odds

1837
01:17:42,455 --> 01:17:44,756
in a world that continues
to lean in favor

1838
01:17:44,758 --> 01:17:47,494
of dark skepticism
and disbelief.

1839
01:17:49,430 --> 01:17:51,796
For centuries, we were
heralded and praised,

1840
01:17:51,798 --> 01:17:55,033
even worshipped
for our abilities.

1841
01:17:55,035 --> 01:17:57,402
But in these troubled
times, when what we provide

1842
01:17:57,404 --> 01:17:59,571
comfort and hope
are needed the most,

1843
01:17:59,573 --> 01:18:02,741
we are shunned,
vilified, even hunted

1844
01:18:02,743 --> 01:18:07,246
by those who cannot see
past their own fears.

1845
01:18:07,248 --> 01:18:10,049
We all know that when
things become their worst,

1846
01:18:10,051 --> 01:18:12,317
when what is desperately
sought cannot be found

1847
01:18:12,319 --> 01:18:16,487
by traditional means, that is
when skeptics bow their heads

1848
01:18:16,489 --> 01:18:19,426
and concede to
their lack of sight.

1849
01:18:20,628 --> 01:18:21,696
How delightful!

1850
01:18:24,065 --> 01:18:27,066
I just love the smell of
humble pie, don't you?

1851
01:18:28,769 --> 01:18:30,234
At this time, Mr. Sparkles and I

1852
01:18:30,236 --> 01:18:31,769
will be entertaining
your questions.

1853
01:18:31,771 --> 01:18:35,773
Just step right up to
the mic and ask away.

1854
01:18:35,775 --> 01:18:38,109
Go on, don't be skittish.

1855
01:18:38,111 --> 01:18:38,747
Anyone?

1856
01:18:39,779 --> 01:18:42,346
No one have, of course.

1857
01:18:42,348 --> 01:18:43,816
If you are as gifted as I am,

1858
01:18:43,818 --> 01:18:47,219
you already know the
answers, don't you?

1859
01:18:47,221 --> 01:18:48,519
Well, let's saunter
over to the pool

1860
01:18:48,521 --> 01:18:50,456
for the pyrokinetic
meet and greet.

1861
01:18:50,458 --> 01:18:51,689
In response to last
year's faux pas,

1862
01:18:51,691 --> 01:18:53,425
I'm told there's much
more fire extinguishers

1863
01:18:53,427 --> 01:18:55,030
this time around.

1864
01:18:56,129 --> 01:18:57,798
I have a question.

1865
01:18:59,100 --> 01:19:02,300
Isn't it true that
you're a fraud?

1866
01:19:02,302 --> 01:19:03,535
I beg your pardon?

1867
01:19:03,537 --> 01:19:05,470
Didn't you admit
to me just yesterday

1868
01:19:05,472 --> 01:19:09,640
that your entire career was
forged from being an imposter?

1869
01:19:09,642 --> 01:19:10,742
Guards, will you
escort this barbarian

1870
01:19:10,744 --> 01:19:12,643
off the premises, please?

1871
01:19:12,645 --> 01:19:13,478
What are you doing?

1872
01:19:13,480 --> 01:19:14,412
All right then...

1873
01:19:14,414 --> 01:19:16,115
Sir, you need to come with us.

1874
01:19:16,117 --> 01:19:17,215
All right, I challenge you
in front of all your peers

1875
01:19:17,217 --> 01:19:20,685
to prove that you
are not a fake!

1876
01:19:20,687 --> 01:19:22,487
How do you suppose I do that?

1877
01:19:22,489 --> 01:19:23,657
Find my son.

1878
01:19:25,258 --> 01:19:26,492
Right now.

1879
01:19:26,494 --> 01:19:29,731
You found me for him,
now find him for me.

1880
01:19:30,698 --> 01:19:33,535
I want him in my life.

1881
01:19:34,869 --> 01:19:36,434
Just do it.

1882
01:19:36,436 --> 01:19:38,836
Do it, Fabular, come on.

1883
01:19:38,838 --> 01:19:41,740
I got $500 here
for the first psychic

1884
01:19:41,742 --> 01:19:43,908
that can find my son.

1885
01:19:43,910 --> 01:19:45,844
He's on a train to Istanbul!

1886
01:19:45,846 --> 01:19:48,846
He's at Delray
Beach, tower 22!

1887
01:19:48,848 --> 01:19:51,617
He's fishing in Lake
Charles, Louisiana!

1888
01:19:51,619 --> 01:19:54,819
He is in San Francisco at
the opening of the opera.

1889
01:19:54,821 --> 01:19:55,655
Wait!

1890
01:19:56,824 --> 01:20:02,196
He's in Pismo Beach
at Melvin's house!

1891
01:20:06,566 --> 01:20:08,267
Do you actually need to be
a psychic to take a guess?

1892
01:20:14,941 --> 01:20:16,144
He's here.

1893
01:20:20,847 --> 01:20:22,649
Hi, Nick.

1894
01:20:28,489 --> 01:20:29,324
Hi, son.

1895
01:20:35,262 --> 01:20:36,698
Aw.

1896
01:20:43,204 --> 01:20:46,938
Hey, Mason, why
would you run away?

1897
01:20:46,940 --> 01:20:50,576
I came to ask Fabular
if I could live with him.

1898
01:20:50,578 --> 01:20:51,876
I don't wanna live
with my mother.

1899
01:20:51,878 --> 01:20:53,778
She isn't very nice.

1900
01:20:53,780 --> 01:20:57,381
No, I think she's
just not happy right now

1901
01:20:57,383 --> 01:20:58,349
but I think there's
something we can do

1902
01:20:58,351 --> 01:20:59,854
to maybe change that.

1903
01:21:01,254 --> 01:21:03,487
Hi, I'm Sydney.

1904
01:21:03,489 --> 01:21:05,691
It's nice to
officially meet you.

1905
01:21:05,693 --> 01:21:07,459
It's nice to meet you, Sydney.

1906
01:21:07,461 --> 01:21:09,928
Nick talks about
you all the time.

1907
01:21:09,930 --> 01:21:12,997
He is definitely yours.

1908
01:21:12,999 --> 01:21:15,000
Hey, Fabular!

1909
01:21:15,002 --> 01:21:17,868
You said on the radio that
Petey was on his way home to me!

1910
01:21:17,870 --> 01:21:19,470
But he was already dead!

1911
01:21:19,472 --> 01:21:20,973
You lied, you bastard!

1912
01:21:20,975 --> 01:21:23,242
This is for Petey!

1913
01:21:29,917 --> 01:21:30,952
Whoa!

1914
01:21:31,985 --> 01:21:32,819
Damn it!

1915
01:21:34,954 --> 01:21:36,925
Whoa, are you okay?

1916
01:21:40,526 --> 01:21:41,529
Scarecrow!

1917
01:21:42,829 --> 01:21:43,664
Tin Man!

1918
01:21:45,365 --> 01:21:45,966
My lion!

1919
01:21:49,503 --> 01:21:51,469
Thank you, Ernie.

1920
01:21:51,471 --> 01:21:52,706
I'll take my.

1921
01:22:04,284 --> 01:22:06,617
Is there anyone here
today who knows of a reason

1922
01:22:06,619 --> 01:22:11,225
why these two should not be
joined in holy matrimony?

1923
01:22:14,962 --> 01:22:16,928
Good, ladies and gentlemen,

1924
01:22:16,930 --> 01:22:18,697
it gives me great pleasure
to introduce to you

1925
01:22:18,699 --> 01:22:21,700
Mr. and Mrs. Nicholas Pearson.

1926
01:22:22,970 --> 01:22:24,935
Kiss the bride.

1927
01:22:33,747 --> 01:22:37,049
DC THE BRAIN
SUPREME: Party people!

1928
01:22:37,051 --> 01:22:40,254
Yeah, Tag Team music
in full effect!

1929
01:22:41,587 --> 01:22:46,425
That's me, DC the Brain Supreme
and my man Steve Roll'n!

1930
01:23:11,851 --> 01:23:13,053
Hey, hey, hey!

1931
01:23:13,986 --> 01:23:15,086
Hey!

1932
01:23:15,088 --> 01:23:17,022
Excuse me.

1933
01:23:17,024 --> 01:23:19,090
Is this one of yours?

1934
01:23:19,092 --> 01:23:20,694
Yep, afraid so.

1935
01:23:22,462 --> 01:23:23,463
Here you go.

1936
01:23:24,698 --> 01:23:28,133
Wow, your husband's a lucky man.

1937
01:23:28,135 --> 01:23:30,035
I want that one.

1938
01:23:30,037 --> 01:23:31,702
I love kids.

1939
01:23:31,704 --> 01:23:34,975
Oh, there is no husband.

1940
01:23:36,043 --> 01:23:37,312
It's just me.

1941
01:23:39,145 --> 01:23:40,814
My name is Walter.

1942
01:23:41,882 --> 01:23:43,014
Joanna.

1943
01:23:43,016 --> 01:23:44,148
Joanna?

1944
01:23:44,150 --> 01:23:45,550
Yeah.

1945
01:23:45,552 --> 01:23:47,018
That's a beautiful name.

1946
01:25:47,807 --> 01:25:50,175
Yeah, Tag Team music

1947
01:25:50,177 --> 01:25:52,877
comin' straight at 'cha!

1948
01:25:52,879 --> 01:25:57,885
That's me, DC the Brain Supreme,
and my man Steve Roll'n!

1949
01:25:59,019 --> 01:26:00,218
Bring it back y'all,

1950
01:26:00,220 --> 01:26:01,853
bring it back y'all
and here we go!

1951
01:26:21,173 --> 01:26:22,206
Whoomp, there it is

1952
01:29:06,209 --> 01:29:11,209
Subtitles by explosiveskull