Goodbye

Before I even get into this, don't worry, this isn't that note. Also it's 2 in the morning and I haven't slept in about 5 days so who knows what's even going to be written. But I need to write something.

I've hit rock bottom. The hilarious thing about all of this is it only took one thing to do it. That's my problem, and it always has been, I put everything into one thing, I think "if this one thing just works out, everything will be ok." and when it ends up blowing up in my face as it always does, it destroys me. This is my greatest weakness, and yet I let it happen every time. Maybe I've talked with you about it, maybe you can infer what it is, or maybe you have no idea what I'm even losing it over; it doesn't matter. The point is, I'm fucked. I've been this far down before, and it's unlikely I'll be back to where I could/should be any time soon.

To be honest, this has been building for a while now. As other problems came and went, I hinged all my hopes on this one thing turning out for me. I haven't been completely content with my spot in life for a while now, (which comes back around to other opportunities I've messed up) but this opportunity seemed different. This chance seemed like the one that maybe would help me get back to where I wanted to be. So I foolishly put everything into it. I dropped all my eggs in this one basket, and neglected other things thinking that this was the only thing that mattered. Whether it was really my fault in the first place, I'll likely never know, but the feeling that I messed up somehow, like I could have made this happen, will always be in the back of my mind.

People always tell me that my chance will come around, that someday I'll get all the good that I deserve and I'll look back at all this and laugh. Honestly, this feels like bullshit. Maybe that's wrong to think, but when I look back at what I've done, the mountain of screw-ups and missed chances tower over the molehill of successes. There's been so many times when I've taken something good and just thrown it away, so many times I've looked opportunity dead in the eye and said "no thank you." I truly believe that I don't deserve any good. You might think that's crap, but there's a good reason I try to keep my doors closed when it comes to personal stuff. I'm not always the person I play on Twitch. I have done so many stupid things that I feel like I deserve to be exactly where I am.

But as I said, this isn't that note. If there's one thing I live by, it's that I'm too stupid to quit. I don't know how or when or what or any of that, but I need to at least pump the brakes and figure out who the hell I am and what I really want in life. I've been so focused on one thing to try and make me happy, that maybe I just need to focus on learning how to be content. I don't know.

As of now, (well technically as of the beginning of this week since my internet crapped out for the billionth time but whatever) no streaming. I know I promised about 800 things from the last Glibathon, and frankly that Glibathon was probably the only reason all of this didn't happen sooner, but I would not be able to truly deliver what I promised anyways. You should all be used to me breaking promises at this point anyways. This also means I'm dropping out of the SMB1 and SMB3 Randomizer tournies. Not sure about the LttP one yet, who knows what a few weeks down the road will look like, but I know there's plenty of people chomping at the bit for that one so it's not like I couldn't just give someone else the chance. I've been trying to still pop into other people's streams, and sort of be active on Twitter and Discord like normal, and maybe that will continue, but if I come in and say one thing and lurk the whole time, or don't respond to something you tell me, please understand. I feel like I should try to keep talking and hanging out with the people that all mean so much to me, while simultaneously wanting to completely break off, so if I struggle with that I apologize.

I'm gonna try to get back to the person I can be. The person I want to be. I probably need more than just time for this. I can't promise if/when I'll be back. It may never happen. If it doesn't, I'm sorry it ended so abruptly and in some stupid pastebin where I bitch and moan for 4 paragraphs before getting to anything of substance. This isn't anybody's fault but my own, and I need to do what I need to do to try and fix it. So I guess... see ya when I see ya.

-Glib