The Thing is the best fucking movie ever made. Take every other movie in the world and shove it up your ass. They are so far below The Thing that it's not even really possible to compare any other movie to The Thing, because you can't conceptualise the difference in quality like you can't conceptualise a googolplex.

Let's talk about why The Thing is good. Better yet, I'll talk, and you can just agree and maybe repeat what I said to another person later. The first thing The Thing got right was the same thing Twelve Angry Men got right. That is to say that there are no bitches in the movie at all. I'll bet that when the script for The Thing got run by a movie exec, he was like "This is good and all, but where's the sex appeal? Put in a chick like the non-butch one from Alien." And I imagine that John Carpenter would have told him that it wasn't a movie where at the end of the movie the hero and the heroine kiss before blowing up the monster and escaping in the nick of time, not a movie like that at all, not a movie for homos. It was a movie for men who wanted to watch men deal with problems suited to other men, like what to do when an alien is fucking your day up. Then he cast a bunch of the most watchable men he could find in the movie. These men variously do things like play chess, drink scotch and smoke weed all the day. Even the men who barely appear in the movie at all are manly as all hell because they're Norwegians. They were probably walking around their Antarctic base in T-shirts and cargo shorts before they got fucked up by The Thing.

The second thing The Thing got right was that it is set in the Antarctic and there is nobody coming or going from that base, ever, especially no bitches. To give you an idea of how isolated they are, Kurt Russell could not get away from that base in a helicopter. That's not some kind of Chuck Norris joke, that's a literal plot point in the movie. In the movie Kurt Russell can't get away from the base in a helicopter. You can imagine that if Kurt Russell can't do it, neither can anybody else. So they're completely cut off from any help ever. You'll notice that this is a theme among the best movies ever. For example, the two other best movies ever made which are not The Thing are Battle Royale and Cube. Notice a pattern? A few people, a completely fucked up situation, let's see what they fucking do for the next couple of hours. Goddamn give me some of those nachos, quit hogging the nachos I'm trying to watch the movie.

The third thing The Thing got right is that it's fucking hilarious. Like, gut-bustingly funny. I don't mean that in a goth-faggots-laughing-at-death sense, but in the sense that the deaths in this movie are hysterical to anyone with a brain. Like when the doctor is defibrillating Norris and Norris' chest opens up and eats his hands, and you're just staring at the screen in open-mouthed disbelief that something that awesome just happened and then you laugh, because man, that doctor was NOT expecting that shit. And then Norris' fucking head sprouts legs and wanders off. This is advanced fucking humour here, you understand. And then later, when Palmer reveals he's a Thing and suddenly everyone realises that it was a really stupid idea to do Thing tests while everyone was tied to everyone else. Ahaha. Now everyone is yelling and trying to get away because like dumbasses they agreed to be tied to a Thing. Holy shit look at Windows, it's fucking eating him.

The fourth best thing about The Thing is that fucking noose just swinging behind Blair when he's talking to Mac through the peephole asking to come back down because he's alright now, because people just don't think about it when they first watch the movie. Blair was thinking about killing himself? Man that's pretty dark, what a great movie. Nobody thinks "oh shit, why doesn't Blair want to kill himself any more?" People are pretty dumb like that and it was awesome that they put that in just for clever people.

Number 5. Everybody dies in The Thing. I don't care what that shitty ending cutscene in the videogame said, MacReady and Childs froze to death after they blew up that base. Probably Childs was a Thing, but if he wasn't that's OK. The moral of the story is that if you put six to ten men in a room and one of them is an alien, they will eventually kill each other and sacrifice themselves for the good of the world, and they'll do that in the freezing cold drinking whisky.

Number six. "You gotta be fucking kidding". Never has an idea been better put across. Norris' head just fucking scuttled out the door and Shakespeare himself could not have put it any better.


It's the freakiest looking fucking thing you've ever seen, but they don't even get scared, they just stare at it, dumbfounded. This is the bullshit hand Fate has dealt them. And they are dealing with it like fucking men.

If you think The Thing is not the best movie ever made, fuck you. You are not fit to live on the planet where The Thing is available on DVD and I think Blu-Ray although I actually have it on HD-DVD because it was cheap and I had the drive. You probably think that a good movie is something like... well, I don't know. I can't think down to your level, because I've watched and given sufficient appreciation to The Thing.

Anyway, that is why The Thing is the best movie ever. Now go on, fuck off.