Lifehack, when you see a take one candy bowl in a restaurant, wait until no ones looking and shovel candy into your pockets, god may judge you but his sins outnumber your own,
god may judge you but his sins outnumber your own, we really need to start collecting and sourcing these potent quotables,

A person from 150 years ago would be terrified by modern stuff,
However, a duck from 150 years ago would just be like, still got lakes, yes, okay cool,

Listens to music about drugs while doing crafts at 10 p m on a saturday,
Listens to music about tenderness and love while doing drugs at 3 a m on a wednesday,
The two genders,

No one,
Fish in grocery store,

I’m chinese, so i wonder if non chinese understand,
That in the chinese version of disney’s mulan, the fake name she gives is ping, but her family name fa in enlish is hua in chinese, therefore her full name is hua ping, which is literally flower vase, and that’s why shang is so bewildered because it’s a silly name,
But o p how could you not tell them the best part,
Hua ping/flower vase is chinese slang for camp gay,

Does anyone else secretly have that i liked it before it was cool complex but won’t admit it,
It’s more along the lines of you guys were fricking making fun of me for liking this before it was cool kinda complex,
Also a i super excitedly tried to show this to you years ago and you brushed it off and now you think you introduced it to me and that is infuriating, kinda complex,

The little mermaid, 1989,
Do you guys know how long it took me to work out that he has seven daughters because there are seven seas,
What,
Which sea is ariel,
Red sea,
Have you seen her hair,
Attina, bering sea, bering is the largest, attina is the oldest,
Alana, black sea, hair,
Adella, mediterranean sea, personality is romantic,
Aquata, coral sea, personality is shy,
Arista, white sea, hair,
Andrina, caribbean sea, personality is care free,
Ariel, red sea, hair,
O m g,
What,
Was their mother the dead sea,
Get the out and don’t you dare come back,

My daughter has started a story and rebecca no longer has the greatest opening lines in literature,
The chattering souls,
As the day becomes night, the ghosts start to stir,
Some literally start to stir because they are chef ghosts,
This is the best thing i’ve ever seen,
Get her a publisher now,
I want to read this novel,

What if we kissed in the fridge, just kidding, unless,

Yeah well i think dragons suck,
I will kick your as so hard your vertebrae will pop out of your mouth one by one like a pez dispenser,

The pope made a new commandment,
Commandments one to ten, normal religion stuff, i don’t want to bore you,
Commandment eleven, put a little hot sauce on that bad boy,

Anybody here got powers,
I can turn pictures of my as into money,
And o also have a beam attack,
I can make birds levitate but it doesn’t impress anyone,
Yea i got em,
I can jump into lava but only once,
The avengers, 2,

Tumblr is so boring with all you nerds at dashcon,
You all better come back with some amazing tales,
This post is like reading an inscription carved into a bathhouse wall during pompeii’s last days,

A xenomorph, except when it opens its mouth the little jaw-tongue is holding a gun,
What if the xenomorph is also holding a gun,
Of course the xenomorph has a gun, that’s obvious, it’s the hidden mouth gun that makes this a horror movie,

Everything i say is backed up by whatever the opposite of facts and logic is,
Whimsy and imagination,
Cigol and stcaf,

3 pastas that are not what they seem,
Number one, tortellini, it looks just like pasta but usually there’s meat or cheese inside,

Men trying to sound not horny by hating women is so funny, whenever i hear the word thot or e-girl it sounds like an 12th century man saying temptress,
If she breathes she a temptress,
If she breathes, be she a temptress,
All maidens beest fair,

That hotel california comic makes me lose my crap every single time and i’m so thankful for it honestly,
Welcome to the hotel california,
Such a lovely place,
Such a lovely face,

I bought my friend an elephant for their room,
They said thank you,
I said don’t mention it,
Is there a joke here that 15 thousand people get but i don’t,
Slow clap,

That is, tragic,
Not as tragic as your face,
Aww, come on, that was uncalled for,
Your face is uncalled for,
This is literally me and my friends,

I never realize how much i swear until i’m in a situation where i can’t,
True story, i tried avoiding saying beach in front of a kid so my mouth said cunt instead,
Nailed it,

He didn’t take too kindly to the camera shutter noise,
Possibly the best cat face ever,

Mmmmmaaahhhh,

Golden brushtail possum,
I just drew in like a ten second long continuous gasp, i’m so glad we share the planet with this creature i just learned existed 10 seconds, of continuous gasp, ago,
She climb, she hold,

What the heck is this thing, why does it look like a doge deer, a derge, what,
Update, they share a common ancestor with whales,
I no longer understand nature,
Sabretooth dog-deer-whale-thing,

Look at this beautiful floridian swamp cat and her adorable kittens,
That there is a gator,
No that’s a floridian swamp cat,

While doing an important research, i discovered that foxes can, in fact, become a loaf,
It costs the tax payer millions for this research, no one complained as it was vital,

She’s really proud of herself, she rolled this out and then sat on it, admiring it, for a really long time,

I see how it is, rihanna can wear a shiny, completely transparent dress in public and everyone loves it, but when i did it, i was wasting saran wrap and ruining easter, daniel,

Humans are weird post,
Alien, we have a very dedicated humanology department in our learning hives,
Human, humanology,
Aliens, you know, the study of humans and their habits,
Human, ohh, cool, we call them anthropologists here,
Alien,
Alien, you have humans that study humans,

Can we stop shipping real people, can we like not do that anymore,
Last time i checked that was called human trafficking and it was illegal,
I may or may not have just been informed that that is not what this text post is about even in the slightest,

Captain america was bitten by a radioactive american,

Thomas had teased gordon about the time he slid into a ditch,
Then thomas fell down a mine,
Serves you right thomas,

If you’ll excuse me,
I can not allow you to be excused fish,

I think of america as some sort of quaint faraway wonderland, its like you guys live in another dimension, what the frick is black friday, why is thanksgiving and what’s the deal with wearing white and labor day and why aren’t there any fricking u’s in your words, why do you measure in feet and body parts and crap that’s super fricked up,
I think you just summed up every british persons thoughts about america in one long sentence,

Caw, caw caw,
Caw and order,
They’re on trial for, murder,

Honestly i kind of need school because it keeps my life together, i see friends everyday, get out of the house, sleep normally, and remember to eat dinner,
You put it in words,

Was hiding behind plant,
Confused by filter,
Attacked bubbles, largely ignored food,
I work in a lab that studies small tropical fish and these were the notes on someone’s spreadsheet that they left open, i found them very endearing and relatable,

Friendly reminder that there’s a cut scene in thor that while the destroyer is blowing crap up, darcy runs into the pet store to save all the animals and give them to people leaving the town,
As things are being set on fire around her, she talks to the dog, telling him i won’t let the big scary monster step on you, and names it baker,

1961 international custome hot rod,
$25,000,
Custom hotrod,
Lightning mcqueen and tow mater’s son,
Love wins,

5 is like an honorary even number,
Why does this make sense,

I was in a public bathroom and looked in the mirror and said, i’m too cute to be so broke, and i thought i was alone but someone in a stall said amen,

Creating venom without spiderman has created the greatest dynamic between eddie and venom that has ever existed,
They aren’t bonding over hating peter parker, they’re bonding over the fact that they’re both complete loser,
They’re two losers that love to eat junk food out of the trash and they can combine together to form an eight foot tall space monster,
And they’re in love,

Justin bieber doesn’t have nipples,
Not when i’m done with him,
Excuse me,

Did somebody just look at the moon and think, but what if opposite,
It would look like an eye,
It’s nine in the afternoon,

I have made a new rule that shall take effect on this universe this moment onwards,
You must draw wonder woman’s arms at least this beefy,
Or you must write i am a coward on all your job applications from this day on,
Reblog buff wonder woman and be blessed,

Just learned that the word ferret is derived from the latin word furittus meaning little thief and that a group of ferrets is called a business and i am absolutely pleased with this new knowledge,
I am enriched by this knowledge, thank you,

Asking for someone’s name is weird,
Basically, what noise should i make to get your attention,
Don’t frick me up like this fam, not today,

Winning over our hearts with a crooked smile is an avatar thing,
Forgot wan, l o l,

And why are you holding my hand,
It helps me focus,
I see,
Why are you holding it back pete,

A mixture of blood and embalming fluid leaking from the ground behind greenoaks funeral home on florida boulevard in baton rouge,
Come get y’all juice,

In sixth grade you were either a cucumber melon beach or a warm vanilla sugar beach,
The frick does this mean,
This is japanese cherry blossom erasure,
Hey y’all i still don’t know what the frick this means,

Imagine trying to take a crap while in the arena,
Like with cameras everywhere and the constant fear of being killed,
And like what would happen if someone popped up and killed you mid poop,
And you became known as the person who died mid poop during the hunger games,

Bisexuals are great,
They aren’t gay,
They aren’t straight,
They are graight,

Get out of my face clown,
Which one,
The second worst burn that two face has ever felt,

Ancient greek suggestions,
Use more olive oil,
I didn’t even notice the u rl i was just like dang they’re right,

And they were roommates,
Oh my god they were roommates,

Why is it that old wives tales are called old wives tales,
When old men’s tales are called religion and philosophy,
Holy,
You know why,

Only one fudge sample per customer please,
Me at costco,

Today i learned that the creators of the you wouldn’t steal a car anti-piracy ad were fined for pirating the music played in the background of the ad,

Person, so what are your talents,
I can read, write,
I-i know the names of things,

Macabre statues to keep me company outside my new office,
Congratulations on the job, i didn’t know heck was even hiring,