Anon's Run in with "Desert" Elves

Story Started and Finished in Thread #5 https://desuarchive.org/k/thread/40323157/#40333945

>Be orc hunting in Arizona
>Get a decent haul of four scalps throughout the day but don't realize how late it's getting
>Try to head back but reckon I'll probably have to hunker down and try to get through the desert night
>Thinking I should look for anything I can burn when I see a desert elf pop out of some shrubs
>"Hola vaquero, what you doin' in this Desierto?"
>Her accent is some unholy mix of John Wayne movie and fence jumper
>Still, she has two dozen orc scalps hanging off her and an old sporterized Springfield so I better play nice
>Explain to her that I lost track of time while hunting, show her my scalps hoping for some kinda "orc hunter's look out for each other" shit
>She offers to take me back to her tribe for the night
>Get to some place that looks like a bunch of extras from a 60's western tried to make tipis out of throw blankets and ponchos
>They're friendly enough, orc hunter cowboy says I can stay in her tent for the night
>Figure I should just take the offer and retire, but she stops me
>"Tranquilo vaquero, you gotta stay for the ceremonial fiesta de caza"
"The what?"
>"Fies- Party of the hunt"
>Really don't want to know it's gonna be some hippy rain dance around the fire bullshit, but they're letting me stay here so I better not be rude
>Just smile and sit down by the fire
>They just all talk for a while, scalps hung out by the tents
"This is a party?" I ask "vaquero" girl
>"We're just waiting for the stuff to get here"
>Before I can ask a couple more elves show up hauling duffle bags as everyone at the camp starts cheering
>They throw them down and open them

>Bags are filled with nothing but cigars and whiskey
>I'm talking one bottle for every single elf in the camp and so much tobacco I feel my lungs screaming just looking at it
>Without any hesitation the elves start grabbing bottles and shoving cigars into their mouths
>"Hey vaquero, catch!"
>The hunter throws me a bottle I barely manage to catch, a second later a cigar hits me in the face
>Before I can even check out the bottle (cheap Jack Daniels of course) the other elves have already downed a quarter of a bottle each and are lighting up cigars with cinders the grab out of the fire
>Fuck it, when in Rome, right?
>The night goes from really boring to outright dangerous really fast
>What I expected to be hippy shit turned out to be a bunch of empty whiskey bottles being shot at by elves to inebriated to even stand straight
>The muzzle sweeping is absolutely ridiculous
>At some point while I'm still lucid the hunter grabs be and drags me to what must be her third empty bottle sitting on a rock
>"Watch this vaquero! Bet ya'll humanos can't make shots like this!"
>She tries to quick draw and shoot the bottle
>Only she seems to have forgotten she had a double action s&w model 19, so the moment she squeezes the trigger the gun blows a hole in her boot
>She falls over screaming a bunch of swears in Spanish
>I help her pull off her boot to see the damage, hear something rattling around in the boot
>When I turn it over her middle toe falls out
>She just starts laughing
>The night just keeps going into absolute fuckery like this until I pretty much go black from the alcohol

>Next morning wake up with a cowboy hat on my face, throw it off feeling like absolute fucking shit
>Pretty much everything below my knees feels wet for some reason
>Throw off the shitty Mexican blanket to see the hunter is cuddled up to both me and an empty whiskey bottle, an unlit cigar hanging out of her mouth
>Also notice her four toed and crudely bandaged foot laying on my shins, my legs covered in her blood
>Slip away from her with my head throbbing, starting to get my stuff together
>After I dress a pair of arms wraps around my shoulders and her face pressed up against my ear
>"Leaving so soon vaquero?~"
>Make up some excuse
>"Awww, you should stay with u-"
>Mid-sentence she starts puking all over me
>Like not even a quick puke, we're talking half a minute of gagging and puking
>It smells like absolute fucking shit
>She passes out again the moment she finishes
>Wipe some off the puke off myself and off her and leave he a water bottle, know she's gonna need it, then take off
Desert Elves mang, never get involved with them if you value your liver