Whining about my life I guess, or maybe a midlife crisis idk

I'm doing something really wrong

Starting with the thing you want to hear, the LEAK REACTION
#6328
	I've been on Twitch since 2013 and that's it?
		(obviously doesn't pre-2019 income but I've still built a channel/following since then)
		Makes sense why Twitch doesn't talk to me
		Sounds egotistical, but I always thought of myself as better than that
			Maybe not a "big deal" but at least a "medium deal"... but I'm not even that
			I've been around forever, I'm a "twitch og" or whatever, I had some pride, but now none at all
			I've been here since the start and achieved nothing, other people turn up start with nothing and do better
$35k since aug 2019
2020 I made $17k, youtube will be nothing, donations is like $3k at a guess
I've lived paycheck to paycheck for over 10 years (student -> this)
	Savings? ahahahahah
People with less viewership and followers are making 10x me
	For years I've been shocked at how many sub emotes people have
		I just thought those people were doing really well, turns out they're all doing "normal" and I'm doing shit
			And that's the problem, not how well others are doing, how shit I'm doing
	Not listing names for obvious reasons (it's men AND women before misogynistic messages)
		It's loads of people, if you're thinking who is/your one of the people then maybe but there's more
	I can't find a single person with more views/followers that makes less than me
		inb4 everyone posts someone who does and that invalidates everything I say while totally ignoring that person's situation
		My "average viewcount" on all statistics is lower than it should be because non-SA content does shit
			Probably part of the problem lol

History
2012/13 start, 5k viewers sa stream starts it all
2014 move out, emma loses job, finish uni get no job, start debt
2015 stream full time, stream whatever I felt like, goes super bad, more debt
2016/17 try harder and do more sa, more but at least slower building debt
2018 start to crack, do less sa, move all casual stuff to Botimuz, hey guess what debt
2019 too much debt, have to do jdq, actually works???
2020/21/xx "current era" JDQ to bail me out every year, flounder rest of time, struggle to do SA

Life timebombs (things that will eventually ruin me)
	My age
		Eventually I'm too old to play video games fast
			(if I even live that long lol)
	My health (IBS)
		One man should not consume so much Loperamide
		Just do 5 hour long speedruns without shitting yourself/farting constantly/too much pain 4head
		inb4 it's actually not IBS and some massive problem which kills me/renders me unable to stream
			(yes I have actually been to the doctors and stuff about it, please no medical backseat)
	SA/Rockstar reliance
		Eventually SA won't be nostalgic for the living population/audience, maybe it outlives me though...
		You know how Blizzard got cancelled? What if Rockstar does and I'm a corporate shill/whatever for playing their games
	Speedrunning relevance
		What if speedrunning dies for whatever reason
			Modern games don't allow it, young generation doesn't care, old dies
			How long will speedrunning be small enough to not be commercialised/corporate, but not small enough to not exist?
	Emma is my child and I'm her parent
		Too unhealthy physically and mentally (neither her fault)
		She makes no income, I support both of us
		I'm so sick of basically being her parent, not sure how long this can go on for
			I can't just up and leave, ruin both our lives at this point, I also do actually love her and want this to work
	Emma's family
		Sooner rather than later her mum will not be able to look after Emma's brother
			Then who else does it? Why me of course!
	Total reliance on Twitch
		Almost none of my income comes from elsewhere
		"just make a patreon 4head" but what do I offer on it?
		Twitch fails for whatever reason, or bans me or something
	My flat
		falling apart, too expensive, might have to move out
		Probably move into a bad place for streams (can't make noise, outside noise etc)
	UK going to shit, my wages don't increase with UK inflation/minimum wage/whatever
		It's already expensive living here
		This is a whoooole other problem that out of scope for this, getting political
			Please keep political stuff to yourself I dont wanna hear it here
	Eventually living paycheck to paycheck every day will fail
	Student Debt
		Fun fact, my student debt is about the same as I made on the leaks!

JDQ is only thing that does what you would expect from my numbers
	Started JDQ as a last ditch effort to pay off huge debt
			Thanks everyone for making JDQ actually work for it's intended purpose of bailing me out
	It's based on me knowing lots of speedruns... but I only get paid for one
		Harder and harder to make a schedule, what runs do I even know?
	JDQ is really bad for my physical/mental health
	"just do more jdqs 4head"

I'm lucky to even be here and that makes it worse
	Everyone sees this as the dream job, how could anything be bad
		This makes everything so much worse, because people can't sympathise
		People assume I'm rich
			"What car do you drive Josh?" ahahahahahah
		When I tweeted about making this video, responses were "ah it can't be that bad bro, dream job!"
		I see so many people suffer from this, but *the masses* don't see it this way.
		I understand everyone has problems, and other's are probably worse, but mine still exist
	Feel bad for feeling bad about it... see the problem here?

Have so many other interests and responsibilities while simultaneously having no social life
	I do so much stuff, but the only thing that ever makes much money is SA, and even that is too small apparently!
		Except that one Minecraft Dungeons video I basically stole
	I was never the person to stick on a single game for very long, always switch constantly
		(See: Botimuz and my non-sa stuff)

My life hasn't changed for so many years. I started this as a student and I'm almost 30 and there is little improvement.
	Do I have kids ever?
	I can't save for retirement, I can barely live
	How long do I do this for before I have to stop and try to do something else with pension savings?
	I feel like a 19 y/o struggling to get by, waiting till I get a foothold and get older and figure stuff out...
		I'm really sick of this feeling, of uncertainty and not knowing what I'll "do when I'm older" like a 9 year old thinking about careers

The problem is obviously me
	Do I not work hard enough?
	Not stream for long enough?
		Hard to coz SA long runs requires 5+ hours of time after I reset
			I also don't enjoy doing SA
				try streaming a game you don't like and not being an arsehole
		IBS, eating in general
			If I'm super duper into something I can stream for ages accidentally, but I pay for it
	Not enough Youtube content?
		SA videos don't make much money on Youtube, probably coz advertiser unfriendlyness
		True 100%+ is an impossible task that only gets harder with every episode
		Try to delegate editing to other people but fail constantly
			Wayno
			Emma
			Me
			Affording paying someone
				Don't make money so can't pay someone to help me make money cycle forever chicken and egg catch 22
				I don't want volunteers who I don't personally know will do a good job/I can control (control is a bad/harsh word but correct)
	Don't sellout hard enough?
		I hate clickbait and I just refuse to engage in it, but not engaging in the arms race just gets worse over time
	Easy to find all the problems, hard to find the solutions
	Do I just give up?
		I always told myself to keep trying this until I couldn't any more, then do something else
			Didn't think about what happens if I just teeter on the edge forever
				Stuck between "completely fucked, do something else" and "totally fine, start saving" which is almost worse than just being completely fucked and committing to giving up
		Best backup would be getting a minimum wage Pharamcy job as I worked in one for 10 years prior
		No I can't be a programmer/game designer, that was Plan A, streaming was Plan B! I already tried that
			Industry was already super competitive, ain't no one hiring a 8 year CV gap graduate
			I suck at programming too much anyway... design was always my strong suit but no graduate design jobs
	I don't even know what problems are the actual problems. I don't know what or how to fix this and outsiders won't either
	Pray that SA Definitive Edition does well for me... but that's a shit plan
		Going to gave to go super hard into it, even if it's shit
		Then what?
	Temporary support is not the solution, please don't go giving me money because you feel bad for me.
		Give a man a fish...