On turning 30

I'm turning 30. I can't change that number. Even me fleeing to another continent and spending the majority of my birthday in the air and not at home won't change a thing. And still: I'm not ready to be 30.
Years ago I had a discussion with friends about who had their lives under control best. Unanimously it was decided that that was me, steadily studying, having a girlfriend of some years, who I was sharing a flat with, and having a dog. This was seven years ago. The girlfriend is no longer there, the dog buried, the course of study changed, and the flat stayed the same.
In short: I have achieved nothing since then. This might sound harsh but it's true nonetheless.
In my life I have wasted so much time, for several reasons and with mostly myself to blame.
I'm fully aware that my age and my CV will not make it easy for me to progress in life, even after finishing my Bachelor's degree. Nonetheless, the message here should not be one of resignation. I don't feel like my life is over or that I just see a dark future. I'm aware of difficulties but still allow myself to dream sometimes, to just fly to Kathmandu because there was the possibility to go.
I don't want to turn 30 because I see this third zero as the last frontier to being an adult. And that I am obviously not.
I estimated some time ago that I wasted five years in a relationship. Adding one year to account for minor things through the years brings us to six. 30 - 6 = 24.
Coincidentally this seems to be the number of candles available for my (rather unwillingly agreed upon) birthday cake. Even though there probably will be 30 candles in the end, I consider 24 to be a good number. Whether my body would agree is a different question but in comparison to myself at 24, I'm in better shape now.
There is a saying that every five years you're a completely different person. Looking back five years, I'd say that's pretty accurate.
At 25 I was in the aforementioned unhappy relationship and I wasn't happy in many regards. The fact that it took me another two years to change that is symptom and symbol in itself.
At 20 on the other hand I was full of dreams, naivety,and I loved to travel. All gone five years later. The saying is right. Which just shows even clearer how much time I wasted.
This all still sounds very negative, and that is certainly true. I haven't been a positive person recently. But only now here in Nepal I realised (with some help) just how negative my attitude really had become.
I knew I wasn't spreading joy all the time, of course, but I didn't see how bad it actually was. This has to change now that I'll be 30.
Not only because negativity benefits aging but because it kills youthfulness and youthful lightheartedness.
This realisation and admission to not being ready to be 30 is a capitulation. I surrender publicly to the negativity and my own failures. A surrender to make myself understand what kind of influence and impact this had on my life. And, most importantly, to turn towards the future, to end this negative period of my life.
The focus isn't backwards anymore towards the past 30 years because for me this frontier isn't reached yet, but towards the future, towards new goals, towards the search for positivity.
I always enjoyed making people laugh. I would never admit liking to be the center of attention, but the joy of making others laugh for me is still more valuable than any formal recognition.
So this shall be the premise of my life from now on. The world could use more laughter. If I manage to do my part in this, my time can't be wasted.