Jump 098: Sonic the Hedgehog

Jump 098: Sonic the Hedgehog

Era: Modern
Location: Eggman Land
Age: 12
Identity: Unchanged
Drawbacks: None

[200/1000] Vacuum Immunity
[400/1000] Multiprocessing
[700/1000] Super Anchoring
[1000/1000] Workaholic

Eggman rubbed his chin, looking skeptically at the child before him. The child wearing gold armor. And sitting in an office chair. The one who claimed to have knowledge of his future.

"So you're telling me that even with the phantom ruby, the hedgehog will win anyway?"

"Yup," answered the child, seemingly bored, kicking his legs. "Lock 'im up for six months, conquer the world, and some rando will show up right as he breaks out, promptly ruining literally everything for you again. Also, that thing makes you unhinged, probably. Bad idea. Also another Sonic comes along to help, because the universe really hates you that much for being a jerk."

With a shake of his head, Eggman commented, "Well, too bad Jackal Squad won't work out-"

"Yeah, Shadow just straight up murders all of them, except Zero, who's too busy crying because he's a loser," the child interjected cheerfully, before setting the chair to spin in circles.

Eggman blinked. "That is... unexpectedly... harsh," he slowly answered.

"Yeah, well, Shadow's bipolar with an ego the size of the Space Colony ARK."

He pondered this, before nodding slowly. "So... how does the other Sonic even get here?"

The child spun the chair in the opposite direction. "Phantom Ruby. Despite it not being there. Or anywhere near. Wanna know what's really funny about that whole part?"

"What's that?" Eggman asked, amused despite himself.

"Tails knows Sonic was captured six months ago at this point, right? Tails, you know, the annoying brat who built a mecha? Who made a fake chaos emerald that actually could be used like a real one? Gets confronted, and instead of either running away or fighting... just cowers there and yells for Sonic to save him. And the universe ACTUALLY OBLIGES. By spitting out another Sonic from another universe." The chair stopped spinning, and the kid held up jazz hands, "Because REASONS."

The scientist pinched the bridge of his nose. "And literally everything I do, outside of being the comedy relief, becomes ultimately futile. I think I need a drink."

The child perked up. "Ooh. Me too! You know what, this is one of the best parts about being a kid again, I love things like chocolate shakes. Ooh! Can I get a LARGE chocolate shake? And after that, we can talk about taking you to a world filled with arguably less insanity!"

"...why not..."

"Trust me, you'll love it! I'll drop you off in Britain, they'll never see you coming and you won't have to worry about that hedgehog ever again... serves them right for Brexit."