Spider story

May 5th, 2016
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  1. From your very birth you hated snakes.
  2. Big snakes, little snakes, red snakes, blue snakes.
  3. You hated snakes on trains, snakes on plains, snakes on planes, and even snakes on plantains.
  4. You half-hated lamias, Shirohebis, Echidnas, Medusas, and Apophises, and delivery pizza (one of MonsterGo's employees was a lamia.)
  5. This is precisely the reason that you were so interested in the news on that particular day.
  6. Right below the classifieds ( " Lonely Mimic looking for literally anyone to pay attention to me ") there was an advert that interested you.
  9. --------------------------------------------
  10. no lamias, shiroheibies, alps, apohises, medusas or solicitors
  12. Last week a Salamander had talked with the landlord about a room, and if one reptile gets in then it's only inevitable that more, including snakes, will follow.
  13. Packing all your worldly possessions ( electric kettle, two pans, letter from mother ) in your satchel, you hiked off to the address listed on the paper.
  15. When you got there, you found that the local lord there had significant reason for her refusal of insect-devouring creatures.
  16. She was a massive spider in a dress, something that covered her humanesque portion and at least attempted to preserve her modesty on the massive hairy spider half.
  17. "Hello, I'm here about the room. I hear you don't accept snakes. "
  18. " It's true, we don't accept snakes. We also don't accept alps and solicitors. Are you an alp or a solicitor? "
  19. " No. "
  20. " Excellent. First room on the left. "
  21. Business conducted, you took your keys and entered the room.
  22. The first thing you noticed was that there was a spider on the couch.
  23. Not a spider-girl, a spider. No qt girl was attached to it.
  24. " This is my realm now, spider. I rule it with an iron fist. Please leave my couch, I need to lie on it and feel like trash. "
  25. Spiders cannot speak, but if the spider on your couch could speak, it would say "No."
  26. The spider that did speak was your new neighbor, a long legged brown spider-girl.
  27. She had walked in on you telling that spider to leave. There was a pie in her hands. Something in your bones told you that it was a spider pie (filled with spiders) and your bones had never lied to you before.
  28. " That is my father. Please don't mind him, he is old and his hearing is weak. " She said.
  29. " I was not aware. Hello. I live here now, in this apartment that your father, you, and I are in. "
  30. She handed you the spider pie and you held it. It writhed in your grasp.
  31. " I am related to most of the spiders here. Many of them are my father. "
  32. " You have many parents. "
  33. " Spiders reject the concept of monogamy. If you were to marry me, you would be married to all of the spiders that live here. "
  34. " I will remember that. With so many fathers, I would surely receive many gifts at all my weddings. "
  35. A smaller spider-girl walked in. In her grasp was a stein of spider cider (made from spiders).
  36. " New neighbor, I have brought you a glass of spider cider. It would be rude not to drink it. "
  37. Your tall spider neighbor with long legs and your short spider neighbor with short legs and the fathers of your tall spider neighbor watched you drink the spider cider.
  38. The spicy taste of spiders excites your pallet.
  39. You said:
  40. " This spider cider was made from the finest spiders of their year. Thank you. "
  41. The short spider neighbor said:
  42. " That spider cider was made from the worst spiders of their year. You are a liar and a charlatan. I can only pray that your god grants you grace rather then justice. "
  43. Your tall spider neighbor spits on you, as is spider tradition for liars, and then politely tells you her name.
  44. " My name is Julie. "
  45. Your short spider neighbor spits on you, as is spider tradition for liars, and then politely tells you her name.
  46. " My name is Abe. I am a female spider, one of ten thousand born in my brood. I ate twelve of my sisters. "
  47. You are spit on by your spider neighbors for lying, as is spider tradition for liars, and then politely tell them your name.
  48. " My name is Anonymous. I live here now, in this apartment that Abe, Julie, Julie's many fathers, and myself are in. "
  49. The two spider neighbors agree that you live here now.
  50. Grandly sweeping her arms, Julie gestures at the apartment.
  51. " I will give you a tour. If you look into the kitchen, you will see a kitchen. It is the perfect place to prepare spider foods. If you ask spiders politely enough, they will gladly enter a pastry so that they maybe eaten and enjoyed. "
  52. The pie in your hands agrees with her statement by making agreeable spider noises.
  53. You are filled with curiosity.
  54. " If I were to ask you to enter a pastry so that I might eat and enjoy you, would you do so? "
  55. " Only if you ask politely. "
  56. Abe walks up the ceiling and to a hole, roughly the size of your head and slick with some unknown spider fluid. It continues into the apartment above you, where a spider-grandmother knits.
  57. The spider-grandmother in the apartment above you waves at you.
  58. " This is the hole made when the man before you married all of us. We are no longer married to him. The 50% divorce rate is a horrible thing that results in many single parents and broken families. "
  59. She gestures at the spider grandmother in the apartment above.
  60. " The spider grandmother in the apartment above is the direct ancestor of almost all spiders in this world, including all of Julie's fathers. She is happy to have such successful children. She no longer has a husband. "
  61. The spider grandmother in the apartment above walks down the hole slick with some unknown spider fluid.
  62. " It is true. I am grandmother to many thousand spiders. If you marry my granddaughter Julie, my granddaughter Abe, my granddaughter the landlord, or myself, you will be married to me as well. "
  63. You nod politely.
  64. " I will remember that. With so many wives I would surely receive many dinners each day. "
  65. Julie and Abe shuffle uncomfortably.
  66. " With so many wives, you would surely be many dinners. "
  67. they tell you.
  68. " This is spider tradition? "
  69. " This is spider tradition. "
  70. " Then I will avoid marrying all of you. "
  71. Abe strikes a sensual pose, for a spider.
  72. " We will do our best to seduce you with our spiderly wiles. Please carefully examine the masterful crafting of my spinneret. "
  73. You make dismissive gestures as she rubs her silk-producing organ on your face.
  74. " Please stop, your spinneret is spinneretting on my face and it is making me uncomfortable. I want to lie on my couch and feel like trash in peace. "
  75. Abe, the spider rubbing her spinneret on your face, does not stop rubbing her spinneret on your face.
  76. > " I will stop rubbing my spinneret on your face when you have been seduced by its masterful craftspidership, have given into lust and married all of us, and then have been eaten, as is spider tradition.
  77. " I am not going to be seduced by you. "
  78. > " That is what you say now. "
  79. " I am very weary. "
  80. > " I'm not going to leave. " Abe tells you.
  81. > " She's not going to leave. " the spider grandmother tells you.
  82. " So be it. Good night: Abe, Julie, spider grandmother, spider fathers, and spider pastries. "
  83. And so you lay down on the couch and felt like trash all through the night, drifting into webby dreams of spiders.
  84. All through the night, Abe rubbed her spinneret on your face, getting sticky spider silk all over you just like in a Zipanguese doujin.
  86. When you awoke in the morning feeling refreshed, you discovered that Abe was still enthusiastically trying to seduce you.
  87. > " Now that you are awake you may marry us all. "
  88. " You have failed to seduce me by rubbing your admittedly masterfully crafted spinneret on my face for eight hours as I slept. "
  89. > " I can tell that by the fact that you have not surrendered to the incredible lust burning in your loins and ravished me yet. "
  90. > " Do you have any recommendations on how best to seduce you? "
  91. " I am not going to be seduced, I am a man of his own will. "
  92. You roll off the couch, unwittingly crushing multiple spider fathers, and stand up while attempting to walk to the door of your apartment.
  93. Before you can leave, however, the spider landlord takes the door off of its hinges.
  94. > " This door needs to be replaced, as it is broken. Please stay in your apartment." she tells you.
  95. " That will only make leaving my apartment easier for me to do. "
  96. > " Are you sure? if there is no door between your apartment and the world, where does your apartment stop? Is your apartment not actually all space that is not NOT your apartment? The concept of the outside world is a myth, there are only people who live in your apartment now. "
  97. " You are correct. By removing my broken door you have trapped me in my apartment where I must continue paying rent, as there is nowhere I can go that is not my apartment. You look like a spider, yet you scam like a tanuki. "
  98. > " Thank you. I like to believe that I am an excellent businesspider. "
  99. " It is a strong economic policy. "
  101. > " Come, I have prepared breakfast. Eat with me, humanboy. "
  102. " I've never turned down a free meal. What spider-related foods are you preparing today, as the setup for a spider related joke or pun? "
  103. > " Today I am preparing pancakes. We do not subside solely on foods made from spiders, though spiders are a very important part of our food pyrarachnid. "
  104. And so you and your spider landlord ventured deeper into your apartment, down the spider stairs and into her flat.
  105. > " Please, make your drink. " she says as she waves at her refrigerator.
  106. Inside the refridgerator sit a bottle of milk, a waxed paper container of orange juice, and a large spider, as well as what appears to be a well-webbed corpse of calf.
  107. You take the large spider to inquire why she is keeping Julie's father in her refrigerator.
  108. > " That is an excellent choice. "
  109. She then takes a mug, opens the mouth of the large spider, and pours you a hot, frothy glass of spiders.
  110. > " I usually save spiders for an afternoon drink, but you are a man of taste and so you will be given as you please. "
  111. Your hot, frothy glass of spiders is a marvel of modern drink technology.
  112. It makes drinking easier by, rather then moving your mouth to the glass or the glass to your mouth, the drink automatically moves into your mouth.
  113. Thousands of spiders crawl out of the glass and into your mouth, eager to be digested.
  114. > " Yippee! " you hear one cry as it is excitedly dissolved by your stomach acids.
  115. > " This is the best day of my life! " echoes in your skull as the spiders that are manually operating your jaw crush a big, juicy spider under your molars.
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