Wayward_Flotsam

some agents and a pony

May 10th, 2019
406
Never
Not a member of Pastebin yet? Sign Up, it unlocks many cool features!
  1. Hay Bales had spent the better part of two hours bucking the steel door to her cell.
  2.  
  3. After yelling at the one way mirror had proven fruitless she had directed her rage towards the only other point of vulnerability. Or at least what she had hoped was a vulnerability. She had thought it would crash down after a few bucks and her confidence had eroded quickly. Yet, even as each buck rang out against the steel door just as useless as the last, she found herself falling into a pleasant rhythm, as effortless and relaxing as bouncing your knee up and down at a desk. She felt like she could do this comfortable little sequence forever.
  4.  
  5. Forehooves planted, pull her hind hooves up and back, and B U C K. Let the hind hooves naturally fall to their resting position, and repeat for the better part of what seemed to be an hour. Unbeknownst to her, just beyond the two way mirror, a pair of mildly horrified federal agents stared in awe.
  6. ...
  7. "It’s been at this for two hours?" Agent Harrison questioned his partner, stirring his coffee all the while.
  8.  
  9. Agent Murkens nodded to his associate, pausing before he filled in his fellow agent on the issue at hand. "After we gave the silent treatment to its initial screams, it just started attacking the door. That door is built to withstand bombs, but even so it's a little frightening to see such endurance." Murkens said with a twinge of worry in his voice as the mare bucked at the door, again and again and again.
  10.  
  11.  
  12. Agent Harrison wiped a little sweat from his face and gave a yawn. He had already been dealing with a small incursion of these... aliens, earlier in the day. Flying, lasers, and now, this raw herculean stamina.
  13.  
  14. "You know…” Murkens gestured with a pencil, “…even rocks can be torn in two by a riverbed. If we just let it do this for another couple of hours, It might actually break through.” Turning to Harrison, he said“I say we skip the researchers, they are busy enough as is. We’re agents, let’s just do a little interrogation ourselves."Murkens asked as he slid the microphone along the desk to his partner before telling him,"You do it, these things give me the creeps".
  15.  
  16. Harrison gave himself a little shake, loosening up and relaxing as best he could before jamming him finger on the PA button."Subject, This is a liaison of the government of the United States of America speaking. Cease all attempts to destroy property and we may begin communication. If you require writing implements to facilitate communication then they will be provided for you."
  17.  
  18. "YOU BUCKING GRIFFONSNIFFERS BETTER LET ME OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW OR IM GUNNA SUE! I KNOW MY RIGHTS, I’M A CITIZEN!" Hay Bales screamed to the mirror, stomping her hooves against the concrete.
  19.  
  20. The PA system fell silent for a moment before crackling back to life
  21.  
  22. "I'm sorry, can you please clarify, are you claiming allegiance to some governmental body from your... homeworld?" Harrison questioned the pony standing in the interrogation room before him.
  23.  
  24. The pale yellow horse, perhaps even buff, stamped her hoof and snorted before responding "I'm an Amareican, G-man! Home grown and free. So cut with the Guantanamo first contact horse apples and give me a phone call, or better yet, a cab so I can get back to my family!" Hay Bales angrily hollered.
  25.  
  26. "Please forgive my frankness but we have no records of any sentient cat sized horse citizens. If you would be so kind, please illuminate us to your perceived circumstances so we can try to sort things out, together." Agent Harrison said, cutting the mic off before sighing.
  27.  
  28. The cat sized horse did a little circle in frustration."I was minding my business watching some good ol’ fashioned hoofball, when some cyber ninja looking crazies busted through my front door and foalnapped me. I woke up in this place and I was alone, until you showed up, Mr. Liaison." Hay Bales said, with her eyes closed and taking a deep breath.
  29.  
  30. "Your house?” Harrison inquired while looking to the agency’s notes on the capture, “Our records show that you were taken into our custody from the property of a... Hank and Eileen Briar following calls from neighbors about a-"
  31.  
  32. "YOU MANURED BRAINED HALF WIT, YA JUST SAID MY NAME! YOU AND YOUR GOONS TRASHED MY LOVELY PETUNIAS WHEN YOU CRASHED IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR LIKE A COUPLE OF FILLYFOOLERS!" Hay Bales roared in rage as she hopped on the table.
  33.  
  34. Once more, the PA fell silent.
  35.  
  36. Behind the glass, the two agents deliberated over what to do with the petulant little horse. Excuse me but following you regaining consciousness two hours ago, you yelled out that your name was... let me find this... one Hay Bales. Why bother changing the story now?" Harrison sat back in smug satisfaction, taking a sip from his mug of coffee.
  37.  
  38. "Yeah, just like you just said, the property of Hay and Evening Bales. What kinda mule music you trying ta pull on me" Hay Bales flatly stated, point a hoof at the mirror.
  39.  
  40. "Um... I never said those names, I very clearly said Hank and Eileen Briar" Harrison retorted.
  41.  
  42. "I heard ya the first time, but yes, you did very clearly state Hay and Evening Bales." the pony on the table said while she trotted towards the edge.
  43.  
  44. "N-no, I didn't. I said Hank and Eileen Briar" The agent replied once again.
  45.  
  46. The little horse rolled it's eyes and trotted back to the centre of the table before sitting down.. "Y’all just keep saying Hay and Evening Bales, the names of me and mah marefriend. What are you trying to play at, mister Liaison?" The pony questioned the man behind the voice.
  47.  
  48. The PA sputtered for a moment before Harrison was able to collect his thoughts."marefriend... um... Hank and Eileen. H A N K and E I L E E N, I can send you a paper with the names written on them if there is any ambiguity." The federal agent stumbled over his words as he was wrapping his mind around what the hell is going on.
  49.  
  50. "What you doing spelling out our names, Ah know how they're spelled, I went to foal school." Hay said, her temper running short.
  51.  
  52. "N-no because you seem to believe I am saying Hay and Evening Bales, when I am clearly saying Hank and Eileen Briar!" Harrison yelled into the mic, almost tipping it over.
  53.  
  54.  
  55. The little horse squinted its eyes at the window, and unknowingly happened to meet the gaze of Murkens. "Is this some kind of test, G-man? You just bucking said me and mah marefriend's names twice in a row!" Hay Bales said as she stamped her hooves on the table, her ears pinned back in anger.
  56.  
  57. Harrison shut off the microphone and turned to his partner. "What the fucking hell. Am I going crazy?"
  58.  
  59. Murkens shook his head and looked back on the notes he’d taken. "I got nothing Andy, this um... Hay Bales might have a screw loose or something."
  60.  
  61. Harrison rested his head in his palms as he thought and tried to form some coherent train of thought before he grabbed the microphone again. "Are you saying that you are Hank Briar.... little horse?"
  62.  
  63. The equine gave an exasperated groan as she stood back up "Yes I most certainly am saying that I am the pony you just said-"
  64.  
  65. "Hank Briar isn't a pony thou-" Harrison cut in before Hay Bales yelled, "I MOST CERTAINLY AM! ARE YOU AS BLIND AS AN APPLEBAT?!"
  66.  
  67. Harrison gave a quick look to his partner and Murkens just shrugged.
  68.  
  69. "Um... How did you, um... Mr. Briar we have you in our records as a human..." Harrison spoke with half filled pauses as he tried his best to acknowledge what this little horse had said.
  70.  
  71. "Well then, your good for bucking nothing records must be mistaken because I don't remember being no human, and watch your filly-fooling tongue there, mister! I am a respectable mare and I won't have no two legged freak calling me a mister." Hay had snarled at the agent.
  72.  
  73. "m-mare... um... Are you saying that you, Hank Briar is neither a human, nor a man?" Harrison asked, unsure of anything in his life now.
  74.  
  75. Another small snort erupted from the little mare as she laid on the table..
  76. Now that he looked at it Harrison supposed it looked vaguely female, but to him, this tiny horse might as well be an alien.
  77.  
  78. Harrison once again threw a pleading look to his partner, who just smirked and gleamed with an idea, "Pass that microphone over here Andy, I think I know exactly what had happened." Murkens motioned for the mic.
  79.  
  80.  
  81. Hay Bales hopped off the table and paced around in the oversized room. She gave a bit more thought as if she should have tried smashing through the window, but she was a bit too short to properly reach it.
  82.  
  83. The PA system rang out through the room again, this time with a slightly different voice behind it.
  84.  
  85. "Miss Hay Bales, do you remember anything strange happening recently?" Agent Murkins asked, with a professional tone as he noticed his partner was a hair away from going to the psych ward.
  86.  
  87.  
  88. Hay put her hoof to her chin thinking back."Well, there was that time a day or two ago when I was doing some yard work around the house, and this weird little foal came running up to me, asking for some hugs. I thought nothing of it at the time, neighborhood foals always are running around. But when this one hugged me, I remember falling down and um... getting really scared. It felt like it was sucking my life away... or maybe rearranging it? I don't know. OH! About a year or two ago, I was sitting on the couch with Evening and I found an entire peanut stuck in my frog" Hay Bales began to ramble before Murkins chimed in with a quick, "Thank you, Ms. Hay. That has been very informative."
  89.  
  90. Murkens sat back in his chair and pulled out a notebook. Harrison just stared at him, still confused and sputtered "W-what? what about that was informative?"
  91.  
  92. "Back when I was working up in New Mexico, we came across this thing, kinda like those weirdo furries you see on the news?” Murkins had begun to explain.
  93.  
  94. Harrison raised his eyebrow pretty fucking high and said "Those creeps always weirded me out."
  95.  
  96. "Yeah well, this thing was like a fox or some shit, and it went around licking poor souls. When it licked them or something they would turn into another of these furry type things and in their head all the human shit they knew would be like pasted over by fox stuff. Even their names would become dumb cartoon shit. Was mental." Murkins finished, taking a long sip of his cup of joe.
  97.  
  98. Harrison just sorta stared off into empty space as he responded, "So this um... Hay Bales used to be a Hank Briar and then this horse thing came by and like infected him?"
  99.  
  100. Murkens gave him a nod, "The sciency types were all particular about it and called it a K level extinction memetic hazard or something. It was like all infectious and stuff so they just put down all the subjects and that was that. I'll send a memo to the research team to get their fingers out of their asses and sign an extermination order." Murkins finished as he jotted a quick note on the notepad.
  101.  
  102. "Jeez. Well I guess it's good that we captured this ‘Hay Bales’, then. It sounded like it could have been much worse." Harrison said with a breath of relief.
  103.  
  104. The room had fallen silent and Hay was getting a bad feeling about it. She took another look around for any vulnerabilities. It was strange, but somehow she felt she needed to get out right this moment. She looked at the corner and did some earth pony calculations in her head.
  105.  
  106. Harrison scratched his patchy beard."Ever since I got transferred to this weirdo underground base I tell you..."
  107.  
  108. "Yeah, but you get used to it.” Murkens said as he set down his notepad and asked, “Wanna grab lunch at the burrito place?"
  109.  
  110. "Hell ye-" Harrison exclaimed, before him and Murkens stopped dead in their tracks.
  111.  
  112. A thundering boom shook the walls and the two agents looked at the mirror. Hay had jumped off one wall like some kind of acrobat and launched herself at the window. She fell a little short and quickly ran back to the farthest wall to restart.
  113.  
  114. The two agents just watched dumbstruck as the little pony with a hop a buck and a jump, crashed into the wall. Her backside spun just a bit and she aimlessly bucked with her back hooves. The strike landed with devastating force. The window caved immediately and glass shattered into the two agents. They dove away and avoided the raining shards as best they could.
  115.  
  116. "HOLY SHIT!! TRIGGER THE ALARM, HARRISON, NOW!!" Murkens screamed, scrambling for the now opened door.
  117.  
  118. Hay had landed right next to Murkens, and she triumphantly blew raspberries at him before giving him a little kick with her hoof. "Dumb government always trying to beat down the little mare!"
  119.  
  120. Harrison watched in horror as his partner poofed into a cloud of pink smoke. He screamed as he watched Hay approach him. Scurrying backwards did little to help as the pony galloped towards him.
  121.  
  122. "AND TAKE THIS!" Hay yelled as she gave a flying kick to Harrison. Despite her little frame, it knocked the wind out of him! The little mare triumphantly walked down the hall of the containment facility and away from the two agents.
  123.  
  124. Harrison poofed into a pink cloud. Where two proud men once stood, two little mares in precious little suits were left to collect their thoughts.
  125.  
  126. The one who used to be Murkens spoke first. "Hey Coiffure, what the hay just happened?"
  127.  
  128. Coiffure gave a flip of her luscious mane and trotted over to Agent Maple Glen "I don't really know. It probably wasn't a big deal, It doesn't look like anything has changed about us."
  129.  
  130. " Oh thank Celestia, that's a relief!" Maple Glen said, running her hoof through her now-crimson mane.
  131.  
  132. Agents Maple Glen and Coiffure cantered off to follow that interesting mare who had just disappeared down the hall. Maybe she knew what was going on.
RAW Paste Data