International Coming Out Day

When I started writing this, it was October 11th, which is National Coming Out Day. I wish I had a succinct but poetic way to share how I understand my own sexuality, how it fits into societal expectations, my beliefs, my relationships, and my history. Since I am not a proper writer I'll opt for a longer status.

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I’ve seen plenty of LGBTQIA+ content, and I used to be cynical towards it, “If you want to be treated equally, why are you making a big deal about your sexuality?” I took pride in hiding the “Interested in” category on Facebook, knowing I was so much more than what I was attracted to. I spent years belittling those who wore their hearts on their sleeves. I balked at the flagrant displays of gay pride parades and kink scene events, but all the while I couldn’t deny my fascination for such queer sights. These people groups were curiosities to me, but never seen as individuals.

For most of my life I was indoctrinated into the belief that homosexuality was a sin at worst and confusion at best. In college, I modified this point of view, “I can’t say homosexuality is objectively wrong for others, but for me it’s deferring my purpose and direction in life.” Fast-forward to November 2015, with my ex by my side, I started coming out to my immediate family and friends as mostly gay**. Was I attracted to my ex? Yeah, but she was so brilliant that she was an outlier and a literal answer to prayer. I told them how I’m dominantly sexually attracted to men and what that meant for our marriage. It’s not the reason we divorced, but it certainly didn’t make life easier. Suggested attendance at a Pray-The-Gay-Away practice was one of many obvious cues to leave.

The vast majority of my friends were supportive of me—not with platitudes but with  respect and trust. Even as I grow I am still the Jonathan they always loved. A slim minority respected me less, viewing me as confused, deceived by The Devil, or even being gay for attention. Sure, those are all terrible things to say, but I used to think the same things of all gay** people. Joke’s on me!

I get the concept of pride parades now. I get the rainbows, the glitter, the noise, the fishnet. After some closest to me said I was “being gay for attention”, never before had I wanted to act so much like a gay stereotype. I wanted to get AIDS, binge out on crystal meth, have public sex, and whatever else I was supposed to do in my new life as a rainbow strawman. When your closest loved ones accuse you of being something you’re not, labeling you a stereotype, it changes you in ways you can never forget. I prided myself in having a diverse group of friends, but after that kind of hurt I wanted to live in a gay community and never come out.

And I don’t even like rainbows.

**FINE PRINT: Genders and sexual orientations are good for discussing ideas, but at the end of the day we are individuals and sexuality is an organic process.  I’m not “gay” because that’s far too reductive. I tend to specify “mostly gay” to open up the discussion, but my orientation is most truly, "Jonathan Vair Duncan". I used to be “straight”. Then I was “bisexual”. Eventually, I was closest to “gay”. Will my sexuality change? Naturally—I’ve already changed so much in the last four years!  “Gay” is not the truest way to express myself, nor anyone else. If you must use a word to refer to me, “queer” suffices in its ambiguity, meaning “not normal”. I just ask of you, anytime anyone uses an orientation or gender, remember that we are so much bigger than all those labels.

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During twenty years of being called gay, faggot, a girl, etc… an “I thought Jonathan Duncan was gay when I first met him” group with over 50 members, my first ex saying she was inadvertently attracted to gay men, or countless friends and strangers saying, "I don’t mean to insult you, but I'm surprised you're married to/dating a woman," I’ve had plenty of time to think on this. My origins are a perfect storm of fake reasons Fundamentalist Christians would assume one “gay-identifies”. I REALLY hated the idea of fitting into those dumb stereotypes, but it’s a gift in some ways. I’m glad I could see life from the perspective of the Fundamentalist Christian AND the “gay” person they’re condemning. So now I must make comics, have discussions, and create art that is true to this season of my life, even if that looks pretty gay sometimes.

I’m not your gay son, your gay friend, your gay ex—I’m Jonathan Vair Duncan. It’s inconsequential that I happen to be sexually attracted to men because my foundation of God’s love has been reinforced and not weakened. And after growing up in a world unkind to the sexually different, discussing my sexual tastes will be important until it no longer needs importance. I grew up in a world where being gay was evil and sex wasn’t allowed to be discussed, and after seeing how terrible that is I refuse to leave those conventions unchallenged. If you want to dialogue on the subject feel free to reach out. You’re in my friend list for a reason.

To those who want to disassociate with someone whom you think “lost his way” because they came out of their closet, I can’t blame you for thinking that way. Try to keep your emotional collateral to a minimum, and I’ll hope to see you later on the right side of history.

Happy International Coming Out Day.