Today is Feb 22 2020 07:39

I had ordered some food from Dominos this afternoon and read a paper on learning phase of matter using machine learning. My mom called me around 7 p.m when i was browsing on youtube. Just remembered that she had called me thrice in the morning to wake me up and i didnt realize that given my phone was kept in silent mode. The last time i spoke to here was 2 days back when she woke me up at 8:00 a.m in the morning. She sounded pretty dull, but i was a little sleepy and ignored it sleeptalking. The phone continues to vibrate as these thought float in my head. I pick up the call and then still continue hearing a sad voice. She confirms if I had taken my dinner as usual. I assured her of eating and ask her what she had for dinner, not listening to what she tells me. She repeats that grandfather died. I tone down the happiness in my tone to let her know that i understand the situation. She reminds me that it was her father in case I missed the point and not to be depressed for he has gone to stay with God. She tries consoling me saying that he died peacefully in the afternoon lying on the bed. He had taken a bath in the morning and spoken to people in the neighbourhood earlier that morning. She tells me that it was all his hard work and healthy life style that lead him die peacefully and I ought to try living like him. The conversation ends in a few minutes and I get back to finishing an article that I am currently reading.

For a long time I have been wanting to blog things that happen in my life and philosophical ideas that float in my mind. For the past few days I have had this weird thing in me that I should never postpone anything further in my life. My reseaarch work hasn't been making much progress in the last month and I kept pushing evrything to later time, trying to give my research more time. I might been doing a randomwalk not progressing much far from where i have started. Getting back to the main point. I wasnt affected by the phone call. Even though I do claim that I have lost all my emotions down the line somewhere, I feel happy for the times that I have cried watching a movie, reminding me that I havent lost my emotions completely. But then I question myself for not being hurt at the death of my grandfather. I am sure I would have cried if can replay in my mind the time I spent with my grandfather. But I dont seem to be able to recollect anthing more than his face and a few times that I have met him in the last 10 years,  that too dimly.

I need to bring context here about myself. I have a bad memory. I am not sure if it is a side effect of some longtime depression that I am not aware of or maybe it was always like that. I do know for a fact that it was really hard for me to memorize stuff studying for my social exams in my 9th and 10th grade, I had to work really hard to be an average student in that subject. But that pretty much was the time when i hit puberty and had a serious fight with my dad for not giving into attending a certain ceremony. It seems funny and irrelevant now, though its implications, I guess will carry on forever. I need to stop digressing. Do emotions need a vivid set of memories relating to the object of interest to awaken them ? I believe the answer might be yes. I am partially devoid of emotions for not being able to retain a large collection of memories. Only when people inflict stronger thoughts in me does it seem to register, for example, excessive happiness or sadness in a set of events spanned over a small time interval.



I took an hour to write this and as time passed by I forgot what I was aiming at.
I promised my mom that I will go and hit the gym. I think I will eat something and do that for now.