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Chaotic Happenstance V

Feb 25th, 2016
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  1. >A new day began with you opening your eyes and finding that Eris wasn't in your bed
  2. >Which was both a relief and very, very disconcerting
  3. >At least if your mate was sleeping with you that meant she wasn't fucking around somewhere else
  4. >With YOUR fucking money...
  5. >So, as you stared up at the ceiling trying to fully wake yourself up, you couldn't help but wonder what the draconequus was up to
  6. >Probably nothing good if you had to guess
  7. >Groaning quietly, you rolled out of your bed and made your way toward your bedroom door
  8. >Fuck bathing right now
  9. >Fuck getting out of your PJs
  10. >Fuck brushing your teeth
  11. >You needed to see what Eris was up to and if she was--
  12. "ofvnsdfvndlkn!"
  13. >The second you try to step through your door you slam face first into a wall of saran wrap
  14. >Cursing like a sailor you lost your balance and fell onto the floor in a heap, saran wrap flying everywhere
  15. "Mother... FUCKER!"
  16. >As you tore at the cunting plastic you could hear a giggle from outside of your room
  17. "OI!" you shouted, tearing the saran wrap from your face. "Who the fuck decided to be a funny cunt? And is this the shit I bought the other fucking day?! Eris? ERIS! DID YOU DO THIS MATE!"
  18. >Tearing the last bit of plastic off of you you stomped through the door--
  19. >Only to step on a banana peel
  20. "SON OF A--"
  21. >With a yelp you found yourself in the air
  22. >A second later you found yourself staring up at the ceiling on your back with a stinging arse
  23. >Oh...
  24. >Oh NOW someone was going to fucking get it...
  25. >You quickly sat up as you heard another giggle coming from just around the corner
  26. >Eris's fucking giggle
  27. >The pub basher in you wants to leap to your feet and charge toward the giggling with ill intent but the more sensible part of you decides against it
  28.  
  29. >No...
  30. >That's what she WANTS...
  31. >Climbing to your feet you SLOWLY began to make your way toward your stairs, making sure to keep a sharp eye out for any boobytraps or other such nonsense
  32. >Twice you had to jump out of the way of a spring loaded pie trap
  33. >And there was that giant whoopee cushion that you almost tripped over
  34. >But eventually you managed to get downstairs relatively unscathed
  35. >All the while you could hear that giggling
  36. >That teasing, mocking kind of giggling that just set you off
  37. >Eris thought she was being a funny cunt huh?
  38. >Well she better laugh it up now because you were going to get her right--
  39. PLOP!
  40. >You stiffened as a pie flew out of nowhere and hit you right in the face
  41. >Whipped cream flew everywhere, all over your nice carpet and your PJs
  42. >...
  43. >The pie tin slide off your cheek and hit the ground with a thud
  44. >"Morning Nonny!"
  45. >Cracking open an eye you looked over toward your kitchen to see your mate standing there with a grin and another pie in her clutches
  46. >"It's strawberry if you're wondering. I thought about using cherry but--"
  47. >With an earsplitting roar you launched yourself toward your mate, murder in your eyes
  48. >Eris yelped, disappearing with a snap of her claws as you threw yourself at her
  49. >Skidding into your kitchen with whipped cream and fucking strawberry pie all over you you noticed that your entire kitchen was filled with pies
  50. >There were pies on your kitchen counter and your table
  51. >There were pies on top of your fridge
  52. >There were pies in the sink
  53. >There were even pies perched on your chairs
  54. >Not giving it a second thought as to WHERE your friend had gotten these fucking pies you grabbed two
  55. >Just as you did that Eris appeared near your sink
  56. >With a pie in each claw, a cowboy hat on her head and a bit of weed in her mouth
  57. >The two of you stared at each other down, waiting for the other to make the first move
  58.  
  59. >Do it...
  60. >Fucking do it...
  61. >PLEASE fucking do it you scaley cocksucker
  62. >Eris stuck her tongue out at you
  63. >"Your name calling really isn't very nice, Nonnykins," she said, spitting out the weed in her mouth. "I'll have you know that I've never sucked on a rooster in my LIFE... Though maybe I'll try it one day."
  64. >You tense as she tilts one of her pies back just a hair
  65. >"If nothing else it'll be funny to hear what noises it'll make. Maybe I can go ask Fluttershy if I can borrow--"
  66. >At that moment you chose to fucking unload
  67.  
  68. >Be random pone
  69. >And like any random pone you name does not matter
  70. >You are simply your normal, run of the mill horse-like creature who was just making her way through this technicolor world as best as she could
  71. >You are sitting behind your little pone stall selling your little pone wares
  72. >And you were happy
  73. >Not happy-happy or kind of sad happy
  74. >Just... happy
  75. >Last night you had asked out that nice stallion that one of your friends had introduced you to last week
  76. >And today it looked like you were going to sell all of your horse tangible goods that you had brought out here today
  77. >Yep
  78. >It looked like things were really going your--
  79. >"COME BACK HERE YA FUCKING BLIGHTER!"
  80. >Before you could even register what the hay was going on you could hear screams of terror in the distance
  81. >Looking down the street you saw a group of ponies running away as fast as their hooves could carry them
  82. >Many of them looked ragged, some of them were pale, and...
  83. >Oh sweet Celestia...
  84. >Were some of them covered in PIE?!
  85. >What the hat was going--
  86. PLOP!
  87. >A startled grunt escapes your lips as a pie flies out of nowhere and hits your wither
  88. >...
  89. >You stare down at your sudden but terrible wound
  90. >Huh
  91.  
  92. >You always thought that getting hit with a pie would hurt...
  93. >They always showed ponies getting hit by pies screaming in pain or just falling over in the movies and stuff like that
  94. >But it didn't hurt or anything
  95. >In fact you couldn't even feel any--
  96. >You continued to stare at your wither as the strength in your legs give out and you fell to the ground
  97. >...Why?
  98. >Why did this happen?
  99. >Why did you get hit with a pie?
  100. >Your breathing starts to become shallow as your vision darkens
  101. >You weren't supposed to die today!
  102. >You were supposed to sell all of your little horse things and you were supposed to go home and eat all of that fudge that you bought the other day!
  103. >You weren't...
  104. >You couldn't...
  105. >Why would...
  106. >Your eyes slowly flutter closed as you breathe your last few breaths
  107. >Looks... like its... time to... die...
  108. >...
  109. >...
  110. >...
  111. >"OH STOP BEING SUCH A LITTLE BABY! YOU'RE FINE!"
  112. >You yelped as somepony jumped over you
  113. >Opening your eyes you saw that it was that weirdo Discord with a pie in each one of his grabbers
  114. >You were about to glare at him when Anonymous leapt over you, covered in pie and with a crazed look in his eyes
  115. >"GET THE FUCK BACK HERE YA GIT!"
  116. >"YOU GOTTA COME AND GET ME FIRST, NONNY!"
  117. >"OH I'LL FUCKING GET YA! I'LL FUCKING GET YA GOOD!"
  118. >You let out a huff as the two disappear around a building, tossing pies around like it was a thing to do
  119. >...
  120. >There's pie all in your fur...
  121.  
  122. "GET THE FUCK BACK HERE!"
  123. >You dodged a pie as it flew toward you, tossing one of your own
  124. >It missed Eris by a mile, the giggling draconequus weaving through the air like a snake
  125. >Growling, you tossed your other pie, accidently hitting some poor, unsuspecting bystander
  126.  
  127. >"MUH HORSE FACE!"
  128. >Jumping over the little horse you continued to give chase
  129. >Oh you were going to get this cunt!
  130. >You were going to get her SO fucking--
  131. >Faster than your eye could follow Eris spun around
  132. >With a snap of her claws dozens of pies appeared out of thin air
  133. >Ohshit!
  134. >"Oh Nooooonnnnnnnyyyyy. I have a little something for you~""
  135. >Grinning, Eris snapped her claws again, sending the pies careening toward you
  136. >Cursing, you did the only thing that you could do
  137. >You closed your eyes, prayed to whoever was listening, and you rolled like a motherfucker
  138. >Like in your video games
  139. >And your roll might have actually worked too
  140. >If you didn't roll smack dab into the front door of SugarCube Corner
  141. "Fuc-OMPH!"
  142. >Your body collided with the poorly made pony door, knocking the thing off its hinges so that you and it slid into the establishment
  143. >Before any pain registered you were on your feet running toward the counter at full tilt
  144. >There must have been about twenty little horses sitting in that pastry shop not including Mr. Cake, who was standing behind the counter doing very important business horse things
  145. >If you would have bothered to look you would have seen the looks of shock and surprise on their faces at your very sudden entrance
  146. >You also would have seen the horror in Mr. Cake's eyes as he looked at his ruined door
  147. >But you weren't paying any attention to them
  148. >The only thing you were paying attention to were all of the cakes and pies under that counter
  149. >"ANONYMOUS! WHAT THE HAY DO YOU THINK YOU'RE--eep!"
  150. >Mr. Cake dove out of the way as you jumped over the counter and hid under it
  151. >Just in the nick of time too, because the second you were hidden behind the counter a barrage of pies were hitting where you just were
  152. >"Are you ready to give up, Anonymous?" Eris asked, lazily floating into the room with dozens of pies behind her
  153.  
  154. >Most of the ponies took this as a sign that maybe they should be elsewhere, many of them dropping whatever they were eating and drinking and running out of the shop like their tails were on fire
  155. >The pansies...
  156. >"CupCake!" Mr.Cake yelled, crawling into the backroom army style. "Sweetie! Get the kids, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, OH SWEET CELESTIA ABOVE WILL SOMEPONY CALL THE POINCE?!"
  157. >Reaching under the counter you grabbed what looked like a cherry pie
  158. >It was a good looking cherry pie, the crust golden brown and the cherries and filling a nice looking red color
  159. >This pie probably took a lot of love and hard work to make
  160. >You could imagine Mr. or Mrs. Cake slaving over an oven to make this bad boy
  161. >...
  162. "Fuck you mate!"
  163. >You threw the cherry pie as hard as you could
  164. >Eris, with a yelp, dove behind a table
  165. >"HA! YOU MISSED!"
  166. >Her claw poked over the table and without warning she snapped it, sending every pie toward you
  167. >Grabbing another pie you hunker down and get ready for one hell of a shootout
  168. >And what a shoot out it was
  169. >Pies, cookies, cakes, everything and anything was used for a weapon that day
  170. >From outside of the bakery you could hear Mr. and Mrs. Cake, Twilight, the captain of the local guard and the poince yelling at you to cease desist and stop all of your bullshit
  171. >The lobby, from the ceiling to the walls to the floor was covered in filling and icing and cookies
  172. >Both you and Eris were covered in ruined treats
  173. >You were breathing hard and covered in sweat as you were reaching for whatever was left under that glass counter
  174. >You were going to show your fucking mate what was up
  175. >You were going to get her
  176. >You were--
  177. >"You're not going to get anypony, Nonny!"
  178. "Stop fucking doing that!"
  179. >"Stop doing what?"
  180. >THAT'S IT!
  181. >Snarling, you grab the only things left underneath that counter
  182. >Two triple stacked ultimate death-by-chocolate whole chocolate cakes
  183. >TIME TO FINISH THIS!
  184.  
  185. >As if sensing that the end was drawing near, Eris poked her head up over the table and looked at you as you rose to full height with a cake in each hand
  186. >Her eyes narrow and she quickly stood as well, two pies appearing in each of her claws
  187. >...
  188. >...
  189. >...
  190. >NOW!!!!
  191. "AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!"
  192. >"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!"
  193. >With mighty battle cries you hop over the counter and Eris hopped her frankenstein ass over the table that she was hiding behind
  194. >There's not much of a distance between you two but you're both moving as quick as you could, madness in your eyes
  195. >HERE IT FUCKING COMES!
  196. >THE FINAL BATTLE OF YOUR TIME!
  197. >THE BIG END!
  198. >THE ENDING CREDITS TO THIS SHITTY MOVIE THAT YOU CALLED LIFE!!!
  199. >FFFFFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTBBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!
  200. >You could see the pies coming toward you in slow motion but you do nothing to get out of their way
  201. >You were going to get hit; there was no helping that
  202. >But if you were going to go out you damned sure were gonna go out getting this bitch too!
  203. >Icing and bits of cake behind to fly everywhere as you bring the cakes forward with the intent to fuck up
  204. >Eris's eyes widen she she sees that you're not stopping, not moving one little bit
  205. >You could just make out her trying to slow down as you turned your head and closed your eyes
  206. Plop!
  207. Plop!
  208. PLOP!
  209. "Fucking!-"
  210. >"Oh apple sauce!--"
  211. >One pie hits you right on the side of the face
  212. >The other nails you right on the hip
  213. >You could hear Eris let a squeak as one of the cakes got her full on the muzzle and the other one splattered against her chest
  214.  
  215. >Not half a second later the two of you crash into each other full force and hit the ground with a thud
  216. >...Alright
  217. >MAYBE it wasn't the best idea to run at your mate as fast as you can and then look AWAY from her
  218. >But you had already made your stupid, short-sighted decision
  219. >Time to motherfucking doubledown
  220. >Though the wind is knocked out of you and there's pie, cake, and whatever the fuck else you were throwing all over you you rolled to your knees
  221. >Grabbing a handful of floor-cake you grabbed your mate, who was busy groaning in pain on her back, and shoved that handful of cake into her muzzle
  222. >Her claws immediately shot up and she began to flail
  223. >"Nonny noooooo!"
  224. "Ya wanna be a fucking joker mate? Do ya now?"
  225. >"It's getting into my fur!"
  226. "I'll give ya fucking jokes! I'll twist yer fuckin' funny bone until ya can't stop laughing!"
  227. >You were about to grab another handful of cake stuff when Eris's tail wrapped around you and knocked you onto your back
  228. >You only had time to blink when the crazy lass was on top of you with bits of cookies in her claws
  229. >She better not--
  230. "Orgnkfndlfndkjnl!"
  231. >It was your turn to flail and sputter as Eris rubbed the cookies into your face and neck and chin
  232. >"How do you like that, Nonny? Sweet enough for you?!"
  233. >You managed to uncoil yourself from her tail
  234. "I'll give ya fuckin' sweet!"
  235. >For the next ten minutes the two of you wrestle on that messy, messy floor ruining your clothes
  236. >Sometime during that roughhousing you found yourself smiling
  237. >A little bit after that you found yourself laughing
  238. >Genuinely, honestly laughing
  239. >Eris, so covered in cake that she was borderline unrecognizable, looked as happy as you felt, a big old grin on that face of her's as she tried to put you in a headlock
  240. >This was the Discord you remembered
  241. >This was your mate that you fucked around and got in trouble all the time with
  242.  
  243. >This was your friend
  244. >And it was... nice
  245. >Really nice honestly
  246. >After a bit more of wrestling you found yourself laying flat on your back staring up at the ceiling
  247. >Eris was laying right next to you, one of her claws holding your hand
  248. >Though the handholding usually bothered you this time it wasn't all that bad
  249. >...
  250. "Ya know yer gonna be owing me some new fuckin' clothes right ya cunt?"
  251. >Eris giggled, giving your hand a little squeeze
  252. >"I'm sure that I can figure something ou--"
  253. >"ANON E. MOUS!" Mrs. Cake's voice rang out. "I SWEAR TO CELESTIA IF YOU RUINED THOSE CAKES I JUST MADE I'M PUTTING YOU OVER MY HOOF AND BEATING SOME SENSE INTO YOU MISTER!!!"
  254. >...
  255. >...
  256. >...
  257. >Ohhhhhhhh....
  258. >Alright....
  259. >You broke into a pony's place of business and vandalized it
  260. >Like a lot
  261. >Vandalism was committed, a few chairs and tables were broken, and you were pretty sure you accidently broke that glass counter...
  262. >Crimes were committed...
  263. >...
  264. >Both you and Eris look at each other
  265. >The draconequus snapped her claw
  266. >Almost as if it was magic (because it WAS fucking magic) the gunk on the floor and the walls started to disappear
  267. >The tables and chairs started to fix themselves and the glass reattached itself to the counter
  268. >In less than a minute all of the destruction that the two of you had left in your wake was all fixed and tidied up
  269. >Which was kind of... disappointing
  270. >You mean you made the mess and now it was just... GONE
  271. >Like all of that hard work had bee--
  272. >"THIS IS THE POINCE! COME OUT WITH YOUR HOOVES, HANDS, AND CLAWS UP OR WE'LL... W-WE'LL DO SOMETHING!"
  273. >Hah
  274.  
  275. >Fucking pansy pony police
  276. >Both you and Eris giggled as the Draconequus snapped her claws and the two of you were gone
  277.  
  278. ~Later~
  279. "Fucking... buggering... get the fuck off you cunting..."
  280. >You wiggled around as you struggled with your cake-sodden shirt
  281. >Come on...
  282. >Get off...
  283. >Fucking get off you cunting thing...
  284. >A cry of triumph escaped your lips as you FINALLY managed to pull the shirt over your head
  285. "Got ya fucker!"
  286. >Tossing your shirt onto your floor (because fuck it) you then began to work on your pants
  287. >Ugh
  288. >Rara was going to have a shit fit when she found out you had to throw away the clothes that she made for you
  289. >But it couldn't be helped
  290. >There was no way in hell you were cleaning all of that shit off your clothes
  291. >Fuck
  292. >That
  293. "It's all in me fucking hair," you muttered, pulling off your pants and tossing them over near your shirt
  294. >Wearing nothing but your boxers you made your way out of your kitchen toward the stairs
  295. >It was going to take half the fucking night to get all of this cake off of you
  296. >You just KNEW it...
  297. "I swear to Christ the shit's in me ears..."
  298. >You shake your head like a dog
  299. "I can't hear a fucking thing."
  300. >Jamming a pinkie in one of your ears you quickly made your way up the stairs and toward your bathroom
  301. >If you were paying attention you would have noticed that the door was closed
  302. >You might have also noticed the sound of water being run
  303. >But because you couldn't hear because of the fucking cake in your ears and you fusing with your hair you didn't notice any of that as you opened the door to your bathroom
  304.  
  305. >You twitched in surprise as a puff of steam hit your face as you stepped into your bathroom
  306. >Looking up you saw Eris, naked as a jaybird, cleaning herself off with a loofa in your shower
  307. >The draconequus was humming a little tune to herself as she cleaned herself off
  308. >She was doing this silly little two-step dance
  309. >Because of it you could see her two big, full, and round breasts with two perky little nipples bouncing to and fro on her chest
  310. >You could see the taunt muscles in her stomach moving as she shimmied back and forth
  311. >Those perfect legs and hips tensed and untensed as she moved
  312. >You could even see her perfect slit between those legs of hers
  313. >...
  314. >This wasn't some sort of scheme to get into your pants
  315. >Eris's little dance was an innocent one; the kind of innocent little dance that one did when they were alone in a shower
  316. >She didn't know you were going to barge in
  317. >She had just wanted to clean herself off so she beat you to the shower so she could do just that...
  318. >Though every fiber of your being was screaming at you to close the fucking door you stood there frozen, unable to look away as your mate bent over to scrub her le--
  319. >Annnnnnd there's an eyeful!
  320. >"I'm walking on sun spots, ohhh! I'm walking on sun slots, ohhh! And don't I feel--"
  321. >Eris looked up from her legs toward your stupid, frozen ass
  322. >Her eyes widened
  323. >"ANON!"
  324. >Quickly covering up her goodies with her claws and her tail she threw her loofa at you
  325. >"G-GET OUT OF HERE!!!!"
  326. >You stumbled backwards as the loofa hit you in the face, the back of your foot catching on the bathroom rug and sending you back into the hallway into your ass
  327. >You could hear Eris snap claws
  328. >Not half a second later the door was slammed your face, leaving you heaving hard staring at your door
  329. >...
  330. >...
  331. >...
  332.  
  333. >What the FUCK was that?!
  334. >Looking down you see a very disconcerting sight
  335. >There, straining against your undies, was Anon jr.
  336. >Harder than he had been in a long while
  337. >...
  338. >...
  339. >...
  340. >WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!?!?!
  341. >WHY DID YOU FREEZE LIKE THAT ?!?!?!?!?!
  342. >WHY WAS YOU DICK SO DAMNED HARD?!?!?!
  343. >WHY WAS ERIS'S BODY BURNED INTO YOUR FUCKING MIND?!
  344. >FUCKING HELL!!!
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