1:29

Its been a while since I made a paste - and, to be honest, I'm really reluctant to share anything I'm thinking and feeling. I've felt so beaten down by the world and news cycle of late that I don't really want to put myself out there into that. And I feel like such an outsider here that I don't even feel like there are a lot of people who even care to read what I have to say. But more on that later, and despite the grim start to this post, there are a few things I'm excited about. I just thought it might be good for me to share. Maybe even therapeutic.

On that 1:29...
---------------

What a relief. I can't believe it took me as long as it did to get that time. I made this time an official goal back in AUGUST OF 2019!!!! (see https://pastebin.com/t00tbHUL) So it took me OVER A YEAR to get there. Considering I already had the skills to do it by November of last year, this was an extremely long time. Certainly, by March of this year, I was in a situation where I knew all the tricks and could execute them consistently - it was just a matter of putting it all together in a run.

But that run never seemed to come. I was able to get maybe 1 or 2 streams/runs in per week (on a good week). My motivation was shot, I changed jobs, Covid and other national unrest hit, and I just couldn't seem to care enough to do attempt a run. I just didn't want to face that disappointment again. I almost quit completely several times. And then in these last few weeks, I had several attempts that were very much on pace, only to choke them away in world 6. The most egregious of which was on the morning of the day I finally got the run - in which I was ahead going into Toxic Tower but just jumped into the slime at the beginning. What a waste. I was so disappointed by that run that it completely ruined my day - so I just had to try again that evening and see if I could get *something* going. Thank God that I did.

As for the run itself - I don't know how to feel. On the one hand - sub-1:30 is sub-1:30! Even if it is only by a quarter second. On the other... the run was extremely sloppy. So many bad things happened, and the only reason I kept the run going was that it was my last attempt of the day (and possibly the week). In that run I had:
- +7s in W1
- finished the Kleever fight with Diddy
- missed Vine Clip (almost maze-of-shamed)
- missed the second invis in Klobber
- missed the headbutt
- fell down in the first bonus in Clapper's
- and many, many more non-trivial time losses

Back to the first hand again, I also had 4 gold splits, nailed faster cannonball and HeckRambi, and ended up needing to play almost perfectly in the final 3 stages to actually lock in the time. Considering how often I've choked away this exact situation in the last few months... this is kind of the perfect way for this grind to end. 1:29 was just such a mental wall for me that it doesn't even matter what the actual time was. And 1:29:59 is kind of awesome.

(Watch here if you're interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsiepE8HenQ - the final K. Rool fight was such a near disaster that it might even be worth just seeing that)

What's next?
------------
Tbh, I feel completely free. I feel like streaming sounds fun again. I'm so, so glad that the pressure I was putting on myself to get that time is off. And pressure was indeed only coming from myself - I don't care about my leaderboard position, I don't care that my time isn't even top tier at this point... I just really wanted to do it.

So, in the next couple weeks, I'll try to see if I can improve this - see if not having the pressure of a time goal allows me to play a little better. I have the skills for an easy 1:28 (but no way am I going to grind for that!). If I don't have a better run after a few more attempts, I'll call it good.

The only things I know for sure are that I'm going to play through DKC2 Unveiled and participate in the 12-hour challenge this coming weekend. I'm going to learn Super Mario Bros 1. any%! A 5-minute run seems like a nice change of pace. I also promised that I would stream at least an hour of Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City - so I'll do that soon as well.

Beyond that... Who knows?! There are several things I'm considering (in order of how likely they are):

-DKC 101% & DKC3 103% (ultimately doing a 306% run again by the end of the year)
-Zelda: A Link to the Past (my 9yo son recently beat this and really wants to see me do it)
-Super Metroid (back to my roots!)
-Mega Man (all 6 NES games... they're how I discovered speedrunning/twitch, and I've wanted to do them for a really long time)
-FF9 E2PG - Path C (I was feeling motivated for this last fall... now not so much. It's a big commitment, so I need to wait and see if I get the itch for it)
-Cuphead?!?! Loved this game - maybe enough to speed run it
-Retire again and just be done with all of this


And Twitter?
------------

I... am still going to not be on Twitter very much, if at all. Being off of Twitter the last few months has helped my mental health to improve quite a bit, and I'm going to keep that going. I *may* start posting a bit more - stream updates, game goals, etc... but I will *not* be reading my own news feed. I will *likely* see notifications if you Tweet something at me, but I make no promises for responses or timing.

Why? Well, all of the violence and unrest and just plain mean-spiritedness that I've already mentioned is a major part of that. And it is only going to get worse as we get closer to the election in November (and beyond). I want to minimize my exposure to that stuff. Not to mention the idiocies of cancel culture and speedrun drama, but seeing people *put down others at all* is just something that grieves me to no end. And so many tweets I see are people putting down or belittling others with mean-spirited sarcasm - even from people who I'd expect better from.

But beyond that... and this much is harder to say... I just don't really feel like I have a place or a voice on here. I don't feel like I'm a part of any community or group or that people really care what I have to say. Some of that is my own fault, some of that is on purpose, and some of it is likely my own insecurity. But when I see people interacting with and enjoying each other on Twitter, celebrating their friendships, praising their communities... I don't feel included or welcomed and tbh I probably never will.

I'm going to try to focus on the blessings and good in my immediate life, steer clear of the things in Twitter that pull me down, and enjoy my stream for what it is. I'm thankful for that, and despite how negative this sounds, I'm doing quite well emotionally. I just felt I owed a bit of an explanation for my recent (and likely continued) Twitter absence.