vince stuff

Machine beat Flash to retain the OVW Title.  Flash bit Machine’s plastic mask and Machine sold it.  There has to be a hilarious Dean Hill moment every week.  This time, he was deeply immersed in a comment regarding the main event when suddenly he just began coughing uncontrollably.  Machine worked over Flash’s previously injured tricep.  Flash hit his Whiplash finisher but Victoria pulled the referee out of the ring.  Trailer Park Trash hit the ring and clobbered both guys with brass knuckles.  Machine fell on top of Flash and the referee turned around to count the pin.  Bull Buchanan and Trash hit the ring and got into a brawl, but Flash ran in with a chair and clonked both of them.  Good show.

EMLL

        As promised, the sadness continues.  EMLL was a repeat this week, and instead of copying and pasting the previous report, I am just going to tell you that I am very sad about Televisa’s pathetic state of affairs.

AAA

        AAA was a repeat too, thus no report.  I’m not sure if that is bad news.

Smackdown (11/29/01)

Trish came out for her match with Jackie.  Jackie came out in a Vince McMahon disguise.  Wait, that’s the real Vince.  I’d recognize that ass anywhere.  Vince said he hadn’t forgotten WrestleMania, and therefore Trish was next to join the Kiss My Ass Club.  He told her to get on her knees.  Vince pulled his pants down but Rock interrupted the promo.  They edited out the part where Vince said maybe he should turn around instead.  Rock demanded Vince keep his pants down.  He said Vince probably wanted every single person in the arena to kiss his ass.  Vince admitted this was true.  Rock made him walk to the middle of the ring with his pants around his ankles.  Rock said if anyone deserved to be humiliated, it was Vince.  Rock then revealed that the reason he wanted Vince to keep his pants down was because he wanted to stick something up his ass.  Rock has a serious problem.  UPN, for some inexplicable reason, bleeped out “rectum” but not “ass”.  OK.  Rock then gave him the uranage and the Elbow.  Jericho hit the ring and, with help from Vince, laid out Rock with a huge chairshot.  Then he put a chair on Rock’s face and delivered a People’s Elbow.

~~~~~

Raw is Vince (12/3/01)

        Ross opened the show promising it would be raucous.

Crash ran into Trish and wished her luck in her match with Jackie later.  She said thanks, then wanted to know where Rock was.

  Cole interviewed RVD.  “Rob Van Dam,” Cole began.  “The Hardcore Champion.  That’s so cool!”  Christian interrupted the festivities.  They ended up agreeing to a Hardcore vs. European Title match later.

  Trish walked right into Rock’s locker room.  She said she wanted to thank him for saving her from “the hands of Vince McMahon.”  She said she wanted to thank him properly and gave him a kiss.  Rock said he was going to thank her properly and gave her a big kiss on the lips.  That was unexpected.  Huge “ROCKY!” chant.

~
 Rock & Trish beat Vince & Angle.  Vince was beyond horrible in the ring and you should have seen Rock selling for him.  He gave Rock a very realistic kick to the balls.  So, realistic, in fact, that Rock held his balls for like two straight minutes afterwards.  It probably looked real because it was.  Rock hit the spinebuster and tagged in Trish.  She got revenge for Rock by kicking Vince AS HARD AS SHE COULD right in the nuts.  For perhaps the first time in my life I felt REALLY bad for poor Vince.  Rock, whose legs were still crossed, finally got the hot tag.  Vince had a bloody nose, so Trish really did a number on him with her punches as well.  Angle hit the Olympic Slam after a ref bump.  Jericho hit the ring and gave Rock the Lionsault.  Angle made the cover but Rock kicked out.  Sucks to be Jericho.  First he gets pinned clean, then Rock kicks out of his finisher.  Vince went after Trish on the outside and she ran all the way to the back.  Austin came out and went after Vince.  Turned into a total Paul Heyman Special.  Austin snapped Angle’s neck over the top rope allowing Rock to pin him with the uranage.  Rock gave Vince the old DDP smile as the show went off the air.  A million times better than last week’s show, which isn’t saying much.

FRANK A. GOTCH’S FLYING MARE WREFTLING NEWS-LETTER

Source:  Ross suggested hitting Heyman as hard as he could

CHARLOTTE, NC —  Talk about doing what you can for the business.  When fans saw lovable WWF announcer Jim Ross pound on former announcer Paul Heyman after a scripted attack, they wondered why the blows looked so realistic.  “I hit Paul in the back as hard as I possibly could,” said the normally laid-back Ross.  “I felt the segment needed an air of authenticity, so I decided to hit him repeatedly with all my might.”  Ross said Heyman — who leaped over the announcer’s table and “attacked” Ross after being “fired” by WWF owner Vince McMahon on last week’s episode of Monday Night Raw — didn’t see the blows coming.  “In this business, sometimes performers take it easy.  As head of talent relations, I felt it was my duty to set an example and make the segment look as realistic as possible, even if it meant I would have to suffer marks and bruises on my fists and forearms as a result.  That’s why I chose to rear back and whale Paul in the neck and mid-back with all the strength I could muster.”  Ross said he suggested the unrepentant mudhole-stomping to McMahon privately before the show.  “Vince said to go for it,” Ross added.  “And he told me he respected the sacrifice I was willing to make.”

WWF announces production of major XFL motion picture

STAMFORD, CT – BUSINESS WIRE —  The World Wrestling Federation announced Monday the production of a $250 million motion picture chronicling the rapid rise and fall of owner Vince McMahon’s much-maligned Xtreme Football League.  “This movie will be about more than just football,” said Chairman Linda McMahon during a press conference at WWF New York, the wrestling company’s theme restaurant which lost over a million dollars last quarter.  “The film is going to focus not only on the on-field action, but also the behind-the-scenes drama, including the nights my husband had to cope with the fact that every non-wrestling venture he’s ever undertaken, from concerts to bodybuilding federations, has failed and cost him untold millions.”  McMahon said she expected the film to gross over $400 million in both domestic and international receipts.  “We lost some money with the league,” she admitted.  “But we feel this film, and the accompanying soundtrack, will more than offset those initial losses.”

Heinousity added to new Webster’s College Dictionary

SPRINGFIELD, MA —  Random House announced Thursday the addition of the word “heinousity” to its world-famous Webster’s College Dictionary.  Heinousity will be defined as “Totally hateful or like shockingly evil”.  It will become the 31st word added to the dictionary this year.  Other new words include “exabyte”, defined as “1024 or 1000 petabytes” and “gaydar”, defined as the “ability to recognize that another person is gay”.

~~~~

Mascara Sagrada & La Parka Jr. beat Pirata Morgan & Texano to win the National Tag Team Titles.  I seem to recall just seeing these guys on TV a second ago.  Sagrada and Texano opened up doing the world’s slowest mat wrestling.  Parka and Morgan must have been horrible as it was heavily edited.  Pirata pinned Morgan after a piledriver.  Parka sold it like he was dead.  Apparently, this wasn’t considered a Dreaded Martinete even though it looked pretty dreadful to me.  Parka returned to life just in time for the second fall.  Texano actually whipped out a top rope dropkick in the second fall.  Good guys took the fall quickly.  Sagrada tried a dive over the post onto Texano on the outside and screwed it up horribly.  First, he barely made it over the post, then he landed with his legs on Texano’s head, and finally, just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, he landed tailbone-first on the cement and appeared to have broken his ass.  Somehow, he was able to continue.  For whatever reason, Sagrada and Texano did twin topes onto their own partners.  Sagrada pinned Texano clean with a small package, then pinned Morgan with a victory roll to take the match.  Turned into a decent match at the end and the finish got a huge pop.

Smackdown (12/6/01)

        Show opened with a video package highlighting the events on Raw.  The best part was that Raw was built around the word “ass”, yet that word is not allowed on the first hour of Smackdown, so the package was like one perpetual bleep.  On top of that, the background music appeared to have been taken right out of the Exorcist.

Edge & Big Show & Kane beat Dudleys & Regal.  The ref frisked Regal before the match to make sure he didn’t have any brass knuckles, or perhaps a firearm.  Regal always looks like he’s scared to death to work with half these guys.  Stacy tried to interfere but Show grabbed her.  He pulled her skirt up and was about to spank her when the Dudleys made the save.  Everyone took turn hitting their finishers before Edge finally pinned D-Von with his implant DDT.  I finally figured out what the D in D-Von stands for.  Designated Jobber.

Angle met with Vince, who still has no voice, in the parking lot.  In the strangest thing I ever saw, they were both suddenly distracted by a low-flying jet.  I think Vince thought it was a suicide bomber.  I know that sounds like a tasteless joke, but you should have seen Vince react to this jet.  He was momentarily TERRIFIED.  Then they just kept talking like nothing had happened.  Someone must have thought this was a really funny moment because the segment could very easily have been re-taped.

  Matt and Jeff had another poorly-acted confrontation.  Matt was acting totally heelish.

  Angle and Vince had another meeting backstage.  No jet this time.  Speaking of, maybe it was Ric Flair arriving.  He is a jet-flyin’ son-of-a-gun.  Vince said he had a plan for the Rock later.

  RVD beat Matt to retain the Hardcore Title.  Good aside from the absurd hardcore spots.  For example, Matt tried to hit RVD with a ladder but somehow managed to miss.  Then, RVD rolled a cart at Matt and Matt was somehow unable to avoid being hit by it.  Matt came off the ladder with a chair but RVD kicked it into his face for the pin.  Undertaker ran out after the match and attacked RVD.  After all these years, Taker has finally gotten a haircut.  Now he looks like Don Harris.  Or is it Ron?.

  A Chia Pet commercial aired.  Clearly, major-league WWF sponsors are returning in droves.

  Test & Christian beat Albert & Scotty.  Test got the win with the Kick of Fear on Scotty.  Test and Hebner hadn’t been getting along during the match, so Test gave him the Kick of Fear afterwards for good measure.  The gimmick is that Test feels he can do whatever he wants because he has immunity.  I can think of one thing he’s not immune to.

  Rock came out for the ass-kissing segment and put over Chicago.  Vince strutted down to the ring and grabbed the mic.  He said he didn’t kiss ass, but in a few moments, Rock was going to pucker up.  Suddenly, Austin appeared on the big screen.  He said he’d just kicked the hell out of Vince’s back-up plan.  Angle was shown laid out behind him.  This disturbed Vince.  Flair came out and said if anyone tried to interfere in the ass-kissing, they’d be suspended.  Rock told Vince to get down on his knees.  Rock started pulling his pants down.  Then he changed his mind, saying Vince’s lips weren’t good enough to kiss his ass.  Rock called out JR.  JR said:  “You think you have a better ass than me?” and then punched Rock.  What really happened was JR began to pull his pants down when Rock said he had a better idea.  He called out Trish.  She came out, which made Vince very happy.  She pulled her pants down but the camera was inconveniently positioned.  Rock then said he had an even better idea.  He called out Rikishi, who actually has lost a ton of weight.  Maybe literally a ton.  Vince tried to flee, but Rock gave him the uranage, then shoved his face right into Rikishi’s ass.  Rock said the Kiss My Ass club was now officially disbanded.  That was the best WWF news I’ve heard since they signed Flair.

  Crash beat Jackie.  When did Heat start?  Crash got the win pulling the tights.  Yes, he had to pull the tights to beat Jackie.  His days are numbered.

Rock came out for the ass-kissing segment and put over Chicago.  Vince strutted down to the ring and grabbed the mic.  He said he didn’t kiss ass, but in a few moments, Rock was going to pucker up.  Suddenly, Austin appeared on the big screen.  He said he’d just kicked the hell out of Vince’s back-up plan.  Angle was shown laid out behind him.  This disturbed Vince.  Flair came out and said if anyone tried to interfere in the ass-kissing, they’d be suspended.  Rock told Vince to get down on his knees.  Rock started pulling his pants down.  Then he changed his mind, saying Vince’s lips weren’t good enough to kiss his ass.  Rock called out JR.  JR said:  “You think you have a better ass than me?” and then punched Rock.  What really happened was JR began to pull his pants down when Rock said he had a better idea.  He called out Trish.  She came out, which made Vince very happy.  She pulled her pants down but the camera was inconveniently positioned.  Rock then said he had an even better idea.  He called out Rikishi, who actually has lost a ton of weight.  Maybe literally a ton.  Vince tried to flee, but Rock gave him the uranage, then shoved his face right into Rikishi’s ass.  Rock said the Kiss My Ass club was now officially disbanded.  That was the best WWF news I’ve heard since they signed Flair.

Rock & Austin beat Jericho & Angle.  Austin hit the Stunner on Angle immediately, but Jericho broke it up.  Turned into a really good match with tremendous heat.  Jericho hit Rock with the uranage but Austin broke it up.  Rock ended up getting the win over Jericho with the Sharpshooter.  Angle got pissed at the finish and gave Jericho the Olympic Slam.  Show ended with Rock and Austin drinking a beer together.

Raw is (finally) Jericho (12/10/01)

Val Venis & Steve Bradley beat Island Boys to win the HWA Tag Team titles on December 8th in Batavia, OH, which is a real place.  Main event of the show saw Rikishi & D-Lo Brown beat EZ Money (HWA Champion) & Johnny the Bull.  Most of the developmental talent that has been cut will be staying on through December 23rd except for Kid Romeo and Evan Karagias, who have already left.

Rikishi beat Angle via countout.  Angle has new music, which is an updated version of his old music.  He cut a promo beforehand saying he’d requested the following match to defend Vince’s honor.  Angle showed the footage of Vince getting his face shoved in Rikishi’s ass.  Vince, in the skybox, couldn’t believe what he was seeing.  Angle gave Rikishi a German right off the bat, which was quite impressive.  Rikishi beat him up and went for the ass spot, so Angle ducked outside and walked to the back for the countout.  What the hell?  Rikishi went to dance after the match but Angle attacked him.  Rikishi made a comeback and gave him the ass spot.  I hate wrestling.  Rikishi went to dance again and this time Angle took him out for real with a chair.  I absolutely do not want to see this feud.  They played Angle’s old music as he left.