The Legendary Bear Bit

I don’t like racists. Sorry. I think racists suck. If any of you people know a racist, just hang back after the show and let me know and I will go and punch that racist in the butt, or face. Same difference!

I don’t like white people. That’s right, I’m separating myself from white people right now because earlier today somebody told me all about slavery and the gulf war and the show Frazier, you sick freaks; you are not forgiven for any of those things.

Also, fuck dudes. You’re all a bunch of doofuses and molesters. Sorry not sorry! I didn’t even want to be a guy. I wanted to be a cactus or a bear or both, but the republicans said no. You know what, none of this is funny, I’m just angry and when I’m angry there’s this mantra I have to do in order to cool down, so I’m just going to go ahead and do that and then we’ll just take it from there. I need my understudy, one second. (Leaves stage)

Understudy:
How’s everybody doing? Where are we at tonight, Austin? I’m just joking I know where we are-ish. So I’m going to tell some jokes while Idle centers himself, no homo. Just kidding; we at Ben Idle incorporated would like to clarify we are pro-gay. Idle is personally super pro at it.
A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two-foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. The bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." And the naked lady says...

Me, dressed as a bear:
Boo! Boo! Humans aren’t funny! Boo! I’d rather be reading Marmaduke or even Garfield!

Understudy:
Speak up, I can BEARLY hear you!

Me:
Oh oh, how original! We got a regular Reggie Watts!

Understudy:
I know you’re not used to being indoors, but you just gotta bear through it, okay?

Me:
Jesus Christ; I’m out of here.

Understudy:
I’m sorry about that; some people are just so unbearable.

Me, leaving:
Oh, fuck you.

Understudy:
So, where was I? Oh yeah, so the bartender was all like, “I suppose you won’t be needing a drink.” And the lady set her poodle down on the table. Or did she already do that?  Oh and did I mention she was a naked lady? And blonde? Those are essential to the punch line.

Me, returning to stage:
Alright thank you very much understudy; I think I’m ready to continue. I did the whole put on a bear costume and heckle a lady dressed like myself thing and now I feel centered and my shakra is aligned and I’m good to go.

Understudy:
You’re no longer bearalyzed with anger?

Me:
Are you serious with my face right now? I’m sorry, but no; you’re fired.

Understudy, turning to audience and shrugging:
Well this is embearassing!

Me:
Thus concludes the weird bear bit! Thank you, thank you.